Hi, y’all! I am back!! I feel like it has been forever and a day since I have posted anything. I am trying to play catchup, though.
At any rate, today’s topic is about having that feeling your life is in rinse and repeat mode on the daily. Or as I like to call it – my life on the hamster wheel.
And what do I mean by that? I mean, the same experiences and the same people and the same types of jobs and the same types of living situations, etc., over and over and over and OVER again to the point of just being sick and tired of it.
It is mentally draining, not to mention so exhausting!!!!
Speaking on a spiritual level, you begin to ask why you are attracting the same type of experiences in your life. Is it me? Did I not learn the lessons on this same subject as before? Or is this a refresher course where you’ve already learned the lesson, and the Universe is just testing you?
Well, I am not sure, but it could be a combo of all of the above.
Or just bad luck or whatever. 🤔🤣
Relationships with Poz Men
For me, it is has ALWAYS been about the same type of men. For example, the man that I am interested in or who is interested in me is HIV+ Yes, I said it. And I don’t mean any disrespect to anyone at all. But that has been my constant experience since I first came out. Right out of the gate when I came out in 1989, I was exposed to it. And in 1991, I had an up-close and personal occurrence when my very first boyfriend – yes, you’ve heard the name before if you have been following me – DARRELL MITCHELL – after a year+ of dating him and breaking up and getting back together again – turned out he learned he was positive (ok inconclusive, but later…) before he moved to Atlanta, back in 1992, to accept a new teaching position in music. We had that in common. Anyhoo, this is where the story takes a very sordid turn. Just keep reading… 😵💫🫤
When we had gotten back together before he moved to the ATL, he decided to get tested after me BEGGING him to do so. And heck, after BEGGING him to wear a condom during sex, which he initially refused to do.
So, he got tested, and apparently the Durham County Health Department told him his results were “inconclusive,” which worried him to death. And we made love WITHOUT A CONDOM after that. So STUPID of me! But I was a stupid 24yo at the time, who thought he was in LOVE!!! 😏
So, he went back to get retested. But this is where the crossover of events occurred.
First, of all, he moved to the ATL WITHOUT getting his latest test results. (So, he said.)
After he moved to the ATL, this is when I got MY phone call from the Durham County Health Department, saying that I needed to come in and be tested because someone I had been with tested positive.
And this is where my nightmare began.
The health department would never tell me who that person was, but it was Darrell. It could not have been anyone else. And as I recall, I had to contact every man I had been with previous to him, just to be safe. So, I did have to make a few rather embarrassing and upsetting phone calls. 🫣😨
But anyhoo, when I called Darrell in Atlanta to tell him what was happening to me, do you know what that mothergrabber had the nerve to say to me? That it wasn’t him!!
He was trying to backtrack and do what he did best – LIE!!!!!! The gaslighting NEVER ended with him during the entire time we dated.
When I did make that move to the ATL, myself, in 1993, the year after Darrell, I ran into him once at the then-Burkhart’s, and I did not even mention the year previous. As a matter of fact, he acted as though nothing bad had ever happened between us.
And I am just going to end the story there. And btw, I ended up being HIV- and have been ever since!!!!!!
After Darrell, I kept running into men who were positive. And I don’t mean their sunny dispositions!! Some of these men told me right up front, and some of them tried to delay telling me, and some even flat out didn’t say anything in the beginning at all!!!!!!!!!
JOBS!!
I have had my fair share of shitty jobs working with shitty people, and where the same experiences came forth: That any trouble in the workplace is MY fault!
Let’s start with a certain museum here in Atlanta, shall we. Now, you would think that a museum geared towards teaching kids to learn through play, as they were billed – would actually be a fun place to work. No, honey. The complete opposite. For one, we had a lazy boss who took vacations all the time rather than doing her job. Plus, she eventually, albeit, slowly but surely – siphoned off parts of her job to the rest of us. WITH NO EXTRA PAY mind you! (Except for writing the scripts. We did get paid for that if we put our hats in the ring to write the scripts.)
But this bish let the nuts run the farm, so to speak. People who, I will give them this, were talented (somewhat), but who were very opinionated, yet rude and sometimes downright mean. Particularly if you chose to write a script. It was like being put in front of a firing squad! Or put on trial. For murder!! And over a CHILDREN’S SCRIPT!!! And raked over the coals by people WHO DIDN’T EVEN WRITE!!
There was one particular person, older black gentleman (and I use the word “gentleman” loosely) was apparently allowed to talk to the rest of us any way he wished, which normally was vitriolic, rude and nasty, particularly if he didn’t get his way. A lot of us realized that him being black, was the reason why he was not let go. This particular organization didn’t want to deal with the fallout in case he cried racism. But eventually, though, his role was downsized, and he left. Tee hee.
And there is my “buddy” the skinny cow who was in charge of one of the offshoot programs of the actors at said organization. At first me and this person started off fine, very friendly with each other, and she was excited over my work. However, about a year before I left, she became a real BITCH to me, for some reason. To the point that we got into a couple of rows before I left.
Towards the end of my tenure, I was called into “the office,” (my favorite saying like I’m still in secondary school). And I faced the three witches who were supposedly in charge: My main boss being one of them; and the cow; and another one, who is related to a major soap star! And she was also the boss of the other two. All women! During the meeting, I allowed Guillaume to emerge, and he was VERY icy and VERY cold. And then Terence came out and stared daggers through all of them, especially the skinny cow.
After this disastrous meeting, I was written up and then placed on “leave” for two weeks. When I returned, I was dropped from working with the cow. After that, I gave my notice, which is what I am sure they wanted me to do.
Next up – a certain school geared towards training up-and-coming doctors and physician assistants is another horrid place. To keep it brief, I will just say working there as an SP (standardized patient) where you roleplay as a patient to help future medical professionals practice their “bedside manner,” which was horrible and quite lacking, to say the least, at this place. I mean, working there was a disaster from the beginning. It took three months before my badge was finally able to work after multiple attempts to get it fixed. And I remember thinking then, ‘this is NOT the place for you. They don’t want you here,’ and I was proven right. The way they run things is very – how do I say – “conservative.” 🤔
Anyhoo, I was called into the office not once but TWICE over what I thought were innocent comments. One was during an exam, which I was simply asking what the student was doing!!!! And the other was actually during a workshop. Without getting into too much detail over the workshop one, I was told that the DOs/PAs were offended by what I said, which were only comments that I made within the scope of the case. Nothing that I would consider rude, but I do realize that words matter, etc. They. Were. Just. Jokes. NOTHING at the expense of ANY of the students. I am very supportive of students in the medical field!
And in the office, I was shown the video of what transpired, and it didn’t seem bad to me. I did stop the session, because I felt one of the students was grabbing at me!! I felt VERY UNSAFE in that moment, something that medical schools with SPs train YOU as the actor/SP to have autonomy over your own body. Not at this dump.
Well, here I am in the office watching this video with my gown down around my waist, with my fat tatas for the whole world to see!! Bald spot, et al. I was absolutely HUMILIATED! Bish could have just told me what transpired, since she also had NOTES! 😂🤣
I have decided that since this particular joint is training DOs or Doctors of Osteopathic Medicine, and PAs or physician assistants – I have made up my mind that I would NEVER allow these types of medical professionals to treat me, not even in an emergency. Just let me die.
But then again, millennials are extraordinarily and unnecessarily overly sensitive, anyway. After all, when you have medical students entering the room and right off the bat telling you what THEIR PRONOUNS are, and then asking you what your PRONOUNS are, rather than asking your name and the reason you are there. Oh BROTHER!!
Money! Money! Money!
Ever since I left that crappy church way back in the 80s – 1987 to be exact – I feel like I have had nothing but money problems. And my thought was because I was no longer tithing, which I think is a totally absurd construct to get money for the church. It is about GIVING! But the way it was cruelly shoved down my throat, I was told that if you DON’T tithe, you will not receive money. You will always be broke. And I listened to that nonsense and took it to heart. Until many years later, I realized wait a minute. I know a lot of people who do NOT tithe to any church, and they are STILL rich. THEY DON’T EVEN GO TO CHURCH!! So, that didn’t make any sense to me. And a few years back, I let that go. And I also realized that whenever I just let it go and just “let God, ” if you will, the money or opportunities pop up. I just need to get out of my own way.
But being poor and always behind financially has been a hamster wheel-like experience. I am getting better, though.
I have been listening to a plethora of affirmations geared towards making and receiving money. Yes. Affirmations. And what I have learned is that money is indeed a mindset. If you believe you don’t have enough money or say and/or feel like you are struggling, then you always will. However, when you simply relax and let it flow to you, it usually does.
The Unrequited Love
Another biggie. How many times have I found myself either attracted to someone who was unavailable for whatever reason? OR there was a man who was interested in me, and I was not interested in him. As a matter of fact, I dated men that I realized I just wasn’t feeling it.
And let’s not even go there with regard to STRAIGHT MEN! You think I would know better at this age and stage. But it happened again, and we ended up being roommates. Platonically. Of course. 😏
And The Distance…
And speaking of the distance with regard to men. Referencing the Javier Storyline again – NOT THE JAVIER STORYLINE AGAIN! But that was the big, big problem, me being here in Atlanta, and him being back in N.C.
As a matter of fact, there is a guy I am corresponding with now who used to live here in Atlanta, but is now living in Puerto Vallarta!!!! I think he is trying to move back here, but I am not sure. Also, he came back in January to get meds and with a promise of meeting each other, but it never came to pass. He suddenly stopped corresponding. Oh well. C’est la vie. Story of my life.
But then out of the blue earlier this year, he started corresponding again! And this is where I am FINALLY listening to Charles B. Enzor telling me to KEEP IT LIGHT AND AIRY!!
At any rate, I have experienced this so many times! The guy at a distance thingy. The men at a distance are attracted to me; the local men are not. It is almost like signifying Atlanta doesn’t want me. Well, the feeling is quite mutual. 😂
Apartment Living
Now, it has translated back into apartment living. Let me start by saying, it is HIGH time I moved into a house! I can no longer stand living in a dorm-like situation. And my old neighbors, who lived below me, moved at the beginning of the year, which I believe was the catalyst. Because they had been where I currently live nearly as long as I have – seven years. They were not the best neighbors, with the lady in the wheelchair chain smoking – (well, my roomie does that) – and sometimes the man would do drilling and maintenance-type stuff around the joint like it was a house, but at least he was HOT!! OMG! I could have forgiven half the stuff he did, if he had only joined me in my apartment for… a drink. 😂
But his activities tapered off, and they became tolerable, and I eventually was like – well, better the Devil you know, and all that…
When they moved, I panicked! Oh God! No telling what trash is going to move in below us now.
I was proven right when back in February, I was dancing for my exercise. It was a Sunday, around 11 a.m., and I decided to just hook up my stereo speakers this time. Every now and then I will do that. Anyway, I was in my bedroom, and dancing away, (to Pet Shop Boys, I think 😂🎼🎵🕺🏾) until I heard a VERY loud thump, thump, thump on my floor!!
I was like oh HELL NO!!!! We obviously got neighbors now!! I was PISSED! But I kept right on dancing. I would say just as my routine was over, I hear my roommate calling me outside my door. And he confirmed it, that yes, we have a new neighbor. Some black dude with dreads, which also made me groan. Yes. I said it!!! He complained to my roommate. He said he was nice about it – uh I don’t think so, banging on his ceiling/my floor like this is a college dormitory!!!!!! Oh and the kicker? This chap CLAIMS to have a newborn! Like that is my problem!
But are you ready for this nonsense? Both me and my roommate smell his pot smoking!! It reeks!! I can smell it in my bedroom, and my roomie can smell it in his.
This person smokes late at night, too, during the week. I have smelled it as I am going to bed around 10:30 p.m. I have even woken up in the middle of the night – around 1:30 a.m. or even 3 a.m. – smelling that shit! What is this? THE CLUB??? And on top of all of this, he even smokes regular cigarettes!!! 🚬🤮
I have complained TWICE now to the leasing office, and you know how that goes. They are being very lackadaisical about it.
I am saying all this to say, that I have finally had it. I have had it with neighbors being so close, like we are packed up together like a can of sardines. And whether I am complaining about their noise or vice versa. So, I have made the decision to move.
Mind you, my roommate revealed to me that he intends to move when the lease is up, which is another story. But this is more he wants his own place, and had only intended to stay here with me for a year. But THREE years later…
And I told him then that I think I should move and he can stay, and he said we should talk further about it.
But after that conversation and the recent horseshit, I have decided how sick and tired of living so closely around people I wouldn’t even talk to in the street. Next stop: MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!!
All of the above has led me into a whole new paradigm of I am DONE on the hamster wheel.
It is time to get off.
No more bad relationships.
No more roommates.
No more unpleasant, repulsive and nasty neighbors.
No more regressive/repressive, totalitarian jobs, ruled by people who have no life other than said regressive/repressive job.
No more poverty.
NO MORE!!
That is enough of my rant. Please see the clip associated with the post on my “The Days of Derek’s Mind” channel. Sometimes I will be able to attach in advance. And sometimes not. All of this is still a work in progress. And so, thank you for your patience. 😊
At any rate, come back next time when the subject is being the ABSOLUTE best version of yourself! Until then, please be safe and, as always, mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).