Category: mental health and well-being

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I am now an Amazon Affiliate! If you love and enjoy Amazon as much as I do, please check out today’s offer shown below!!!

Hello, my fellow mental wellness friends!!

Back with another topic: Obsessions.

I must admit that I am totally guilty of this. I have been obsessed with all sorts of things throughout my life. Note the following:

• Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries.
• The Bionic Woman.
• Wonder Woman.
• Music – more specifcally Culture Club, Eurythmics, and Hall & Oates – hence the title of this particular post, which is one of their songs – “Possession Obsession.”
• Soap Operas.
• Food.
• Men.

So, what I am saying on top of all of my other neuroses, is I have an obsessive personality, apparently. The above list are fun obsessions, obsessions I most certainly do not mind and even truly love.

But what about when obsessions become troublesome and they are not fun? Or they get stuck in your mind to the point of being extremely bothersome?

We have all heard the term OCD – obsessive-compulsive disorder – many times before. And one could say that we are all a little OCD about certain things. But if it begins to interfere with your everyday life, then it becomes a problem.

OCD is when a person obsesses on something or cannot get their mind off of certain things and has the “compulsion” to do something over and over again, normally to combat the obsession. These thoughts (and compulsions) are often uncontrollable. The person suffering from the disorder cannot help it. When we think of OCD we think of people who are worried about germs and, therefore, feel a need to constantly wash their hands. Or the person who must check all locks and lights REPEATEDLY in their home before leaving.

So, breaking it down even further, the obsession is the thought part of OCD and the compulsion is the active doing part to try and neutralize or counteract that obsession. In other words, the person who has the thought that germs are everywhere will try and counteract or neutralize that thought by washing their hands repeatedly.

And when all of this gets out of hand, it can become downright horrible for the person who is going through it.

And just for the record, people with this condition do not want to have these thoughts and may even realize that these thoughts and even resulting behaviors or compulsions are ridiculous and don’t make any sense.

Different types of OCD

• The need to repeatedly check things, as mentioned above, such as light switches, the oven, door locks, etc.

• Fear of contamination. Again, this is the one a lot of us have heard of, where people feel the need to wash their hands repeatedly after touching doorknobs, handles, shaking hands with others, anything others in public would touch or handle, etc. Think the television character/show Monk.

• Everything must be in order. Having to have things in alignment or ordered in a certain way. For me it was my CDs. Ha! Funny now because I don’t listen to CDs anymore. My music is all on my phone! LOL

• Intrusive thoughts. Ahhhh my personal fave!! Thoughts that you just cannot get out of your mind. And no, they are not pleasant. As a matter of fact, they can be downright disturbing. Thoughts that are sexually explicit about someone you would never have sex with. (I mean, I would rather think of Christopher Meloni naked, but when thoughts of some old woman pops into your head instead – see? That’s what I’m talking about!) Or thoughts of hurting someone that you would never hurt. The types of troublesome recurring and intrusive thoughts are endless!

Derek’s Story

My OCD is mainly uncontrollable, bad thoughts. I don’t really have a compulsion to do anything to counteract what goes on in my mind, except sometimes I will think or even say NO! Or ENOUGH! or STOP! – as a way to neutralize my racing and/or intrusive thoughts. So, you can have the obsessions without the compulsions.

Believe me, if you suffer from this, you would know exactly what I am speaking of.

I have begun to realize that I have always had obsessive thoughts my entire life, even as a child. I remember obsessing on death and even thinking that I would not make it to the next grade in school when I was a little boy.

That later turned into obsessing over my height and thinking I was too short. So, I started stuffing socks in the soles of my shoes starting around 7th grade to make myself appear taller.

Later on it was an obsession with nuclear war, dying of AIDS, and a fear of losing my memory and even a fear of going blind. I felt as if my mind was out of control, like my mind had a mind of its own. And when I look back on all of this, it makes total sense to me that OCD was at the root of my problems.

But where does it come from? I don’t think anyone really knows. Perhaps it is stress. Or anxiety. I honestly believe mine stems from fear, fear of something bad happening. Or just generalized anxiety, which is ANOTHER topic to delve into. I was actually diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a couple of years back, which also explains a lot about me. Generalized anxiety disorder or GAD is exactly how it sounds – you have a generalized or overall anxiety about pretty much everything. It is the feeling that something bad is going to happen.

And that is where the thoughts and the obsessions can begin, which can lead into the compulsions.

Sadly, there is no cure for OCD. BUT it can be managed through therapy and yes, medication. I am on paroxetine or Paxil. It does help somewhat, but I do a LOT of meditation and a great deal of just ignoring those thoughts that are troublesome. Believe me, it takes a great deal of mental strength to do it, but it can be done.

There is a great deal more about OCD that I cannot even begin to cover in this post. By all means check out the source material below for further information.

Well, that is it for today, my fellow ment binders. Hahahaha! As always, please be well and stay safe and mentally well!

Sources:

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hi there, my fellow ment binders – er I mean bent minders LOL I am hoping you are all well and happy today!

Today, we are revisiting everyone’s favorite topic: SOCIAL MEDIA!

If you didn’t see my previous blog post on this hot topic, check it out:

Gosh, social media has completely taken over our lives, hasn’t it? I remember a time PRE social media when we met up with each other and talked, had conversations without documenting it for the world to see. Not documenting where we were or with whom and most certainly not documenting and taking pictures of what we ate or drank! The only time people saw pictures of our weddings or anniversaries or birthdays or vacations is when they were in an album, and you had to see the person – in person – to see said pics. But now all of this is at our fingertips, easily accessible at any time. On one hand that’s good. But on the other hand, it kinda sucks.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am beginning to feel bombarded wishing EVERYONE a happy birthday or happy anniversary or congratulations on this or that or liking this or that. Liking where someone ate, WHAT they ate, where they’ve been locally or travel/vacation wise. It. Is. OVERWHELMING!

Don’t get me wrong I am happy for all of my friends’ happy occasions, but when you see an endless stream of the same. Tired. Thing. Over. And over. And OVER again – it gets to be a bit much. I have even questioned didn’t so and so JUST celebrate an anniversary or birthday????

It’s in your face DAILY (if you choose to go on there daily, that is). Actually, even if you take a break and come back it is still there.

Oh and yes, it can make you feel inadequate if you are not getting a lot of likes or views on your own pictures/posts. You may even feel like your life isn’t measuring up to friends and family. God knows I’ve been there. But then again, God knows I also remember who I am and my own accomplishments, and that I don’t compare myself to ANYBODY!

But my question is this? Are we all still acting like we are back in high school or heaven forbid, junior high?? Where we strived to be liked and popular and seen, etc. I don’t know about anybody else, but I am happy that I finally left high school (or as I jokingly refer to it as – “low” school) behind. The year I left was 1985, to be exact!

Getting through junior high and high school was tough enough. But now that we are out of it, it seems that it still wishes to return. After all, if you’re like me, on your social media feed, particularly Facebook, you are “friends” with people you grew up with, went to school with, including college, etc. And they’re back!! Now with kids and even grandkids of THEIR own. And I think it is a good thing to keep up with them. It is actually kinda cool to see the next generation. And yes, the babies are soooooooo cute!

But the rest of the sharing sometimes feels like a popularity contest. Someone’s new house. New car. Latest vacation. Big promotion. With 1,000 likes. And you look at your own feed and go – oy! They DON’T like ME. I am not as popular as so and so. I only got FIVE likes or none at all. Perhaps you go into junior high or high school mode. And who needs that? That is why I remember to be grateful whether I get just one like or hundreds of them.

It’s like a drug. I think when you post something even though on the surface you tell yourself you just want to “share,” and so whatever happens happens in terms of “likes.” But I also think deep down we want to be liked and validated, just like Oprah said before:

1. Did you hear me?
2. Did you see me?
3. Did what I say mean anything to you?

We all want to be validated and celebrated by others. However, sometimes I think it gets out of hand on Facebook, et al from time to time. Again, it is easy to compare yourself to others and their accomplishments. But you cannot do that or you will be sad and upset and bitter. Like me LOLOLOL

But seriously, before I compare myself to anyone else on social media or otherwise, I remember to march to my own drum. Or in my case TRUMPET!

But seriously, step away from social media. It will be there. Trust me. I really don’t think it’s necessary to keep up with EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME. I really don’t. Especially if it starts to mess with your mind and with you.

This is why I have to take a break from social media from time to time. And I am not the only one. Other people have told me that taking a Facebook/social media break does wonders for them and their mental health. And I refuse to return to a place in my life where I was constantly seeking others’ approval and validation. I just take Facebook, et al with a grain of salt. And I actually like when I step away, because I no longer feel the need to be caught up into whatever everyone else is doing or going through. Your mind needs a break every once in a while. So, take it if you feel overwhelmed, because social media is not high school!

In summation, I think it is not only mentally healthy to break away from social media and the screens and the phone, it is almost necessary. Give your eyes a rest. For gosh sakes, give your MIND a rest. Go back to having real conversations with people and in person if possible. (I know COVID still makes it a little tough.) Reconnect. Try sharing the vacations, someone’s big promotion or anniversary or birthday – THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY for a change. In person.

Oh and do not compare yourself to anyone else. Ever.

Okay, my friends, this is it for now. By all means, stay mentally well and safe!

By the way, I am now an Amazon affiliate. Please check out the Amazon link above and below. I don’t know about you, but I am constantly needing audio jacks to play my music from my phone on my car. I swear by Amazon products. So, check them out!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hello, my fellow friends battling mental imbalance (and those who aren’t)!

Boundaries. We all have them. However, there are many times when people try and push past them. So, how do you handle it when they do?

Some examples of boundary pushing are:

• People not being mindful of your time.
• When friends or family won’t get off the phone when talking to you for hours, and you’ve given EVERY indication you are ready to hang up!
• Taking or borrowing your things without asking.
• Saying things to you that you find inappropriate.
• Touching you or even hugging you without your permission.
• Not asking permission. Period.
• Making assumptions that you will or will not do something.
• Borrowing money – oh boy what a sticky one, expecially between friends! And if you are always loaning money to someone!!

You get my drift.

I am a person who has spent MOST of my life with people pushing past my boundaries, and I am still learning how to set my own personal boundaries, even at age 54. There are times when I do keep my mouth shut over some things and others not so much. Some boundaries are easy to set, while some boundaries, especially between close friends and even family and people you like, may not be so easy.

The Phone

Well, one boundary I have begun to set for myself is in regards to the phone. We live in a society where we ALWAYS have our phones with us now due to the invention of the smartphone. But I have realized that I would rather have someone text me than call me. Yes. I have become THAT person. I will only accept phone calls from close family and close friends. Everyone else can just text me unless it is an emergency. And if it is, then may I suggest 911? My little joke.

I am no longer into idle chitchat, and I think some of my friends and associates are starting to get the message, so to speak. I let the phone always go to voicemail, and I always have it set on silent. I will call back when I have the time, which could be the following week. Or two!! LOL

Your Job/Work/Coworkers

I have recently been reminded of boundary setting by two friends/coworkers who have no problem speaking up for themselves. And this made me question am I doing the same? I feel like I do, and that I have. But am I really?

I recently had to explain to one of the coworkers I mentioned above that she stepped over my boundaries by speaking for me in regards to something as simple as going to the movies. She told the other boundary-setting coworker that I would be happy to go with her to see the movie “Aretha.” In other words, she spoke FOR me. And I was not happy with that, and I told her so. She was completely understanding. So, I guess I do speak up for myself. LOL

I think one of the ways to know your boundaries is to know yourself and what you will and will not tolerate or put up with. As I’ve heard many times before, know your worth! What may be okay with one may not be okay with another. Back to my coworker who crossed a boundary with me, well previously, she did not like it when me and another coworker were whispering to each other. That doesn’t bother me unless we are at dinner or something. But at work or anywhere else, I wouldn’t care. But it obviously bothered her, and she let us know. And whispering in front of others is considered rude by many people.

The Boss

And yes, I think it is important to set boundaries with your bosses, too. Just because they are your boss or director, doesn’t mean they have a right to overstep. Yelling at coworkers or speaking inappropriately to them is crossing a boundary. In the past, I had someone who actually was not a boss, but a music director who said that the music he was directing SUCKED! Mind you, I had written the play for this music and the lyrics, and had gotten an outside composer to compose the music. In other words, I did not go with the normal composer he always used, and he was mad at that. But what he said in music rehearsal was offensive, childish and totally crossed several boundaries.

Your Body is YOUR Body!!

Your personal space and your body. Okay here we go. I just had a friend reveal to me that he feels that a friend did not respect his boundaries by trying to have sex with him. Now, this is territory that should not have to be explained, but still people will try and cross that boundary. And no, I am not talking about rape, but your body and personal space and its boundaries still need to be respected.

For example, I do not allow women to touch my body in places that I consider to be personal. That is a HUGE no no. And they do it because they think they can, because I am gay. And that as a gay man, that will not have an effect on me, so to speak. That still does not give them or anyone else the right to touch me inappropriately. As a matter of fact, there are men that I do not wish to touch me inappropriately!

ASK me, don’t TELL me!

Seriously, one of the things that has always bugged me about some friends is when they make assumptions that I will do something for them. Rather than asking my permission, they just assume. And you know what they say about assuming things: You make an ASS – out of U – and ME! But it’s true. That is a definite huge boundary push for me. One should always ask someone’s permission rather than telling them what they are going to do!!

How do you communicate your boundaries?

Now. How to communicate said boundaries discussed above. This part is truly difficult. Just how do you let someone know that they have crossed a line? Especially if it is a family member or close friends or even your significant other.

I am curious to hear your responses in the comment section below.

But I have found the best way to handle it is to pull that person to the side and gently explain to them how you feel. Arguing about it (which is what I’ve done in the past) is definitely not the best way to handle things. And if you feel you can’t directly tell that person, try a mediator – someone who can act as a go between, particulary if it is a work situation.

In summation, I wish to add that I, too, have to be mindful of respecting others’ boundaries. I have to remember to not ask nosy questions. I am and have always butted into other people’s business by asking said nosy questions. But I have since realized that perhaps I am being intrusive and annoying. If someone wants to confide in me or tell me something, they will. I don’t even ask friends personal questions anymore unless I feel it is okay to do so.

So, set your personal boundaries with regard to your time. Your body. Your money, etc.

And if people won’t respect your boundaries, tell them to STAND BACK!!!

That’s it for now, my friends. Hang in there! Keep your chin up, and hold your heads high! You’ve got this!!!!

FYI I am now an Amazon affiliate! Please click on the link below for some cool products. Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back for more fun in Bent Mindland!!! I am hoping you are all well!

So, when I say the word “gaslight” or “gaslighting,” what do you think of? Do you think of someone trying to drive you crazy? Do you think of the movie of the same name?

Or do you think of someone lighting someone or something on fire?? Well, if you guessed any of the above answers, you would be correct.

However, I am speaking of the type of gaslighting where someone makes you doubt your sanity. According to Webster’s Dictionary, gaslighting is “to attempt to make someone believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation) or a term often used by mental health professionals, to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.”

And yes, the term gaslighting comes from the above 1940 movie of the same name, which is quite brilliant. In the movie, the husband (Anton Walbrook) is slowly but surely driving his wife (Diana Wynyard) insane. (And there is the 1944 remake starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman!) More trivia: Before either of the movies, it was a 1938 play written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton, entitled “Gas Light.”

Gaslighting, though, may not in all cases be intentional or as insidious as outlined in the movies or the play. However, it is still manipulative!!!! In my opinion, it is designed to make you believe you are less than or it is YOUR fault in certain situations and that the gaslighter takes NO RESPONSIBILITIES whatsoever for THEIR actions. I like to think of it as they think they are right and you are WRONG!

I also say that gaslighting will make you doubt more than just your sanity, but who you are.

Again, there are numerous ways to gaslight someone without intentionally trying to bring them to the brink of insanity. However, gaslighting is still a form of abuse. I should know. Examples:

1. Making someone doubt they said something when they actually did.
2. Discounting someone’s feelings.
3. Accusing someone of being too dramatic or too sensitive.
4. Trivializing how someone feels.

Just take a look at the chart below:

How many of you have been there? God knows I have. And as Blanche Devereaux would say, many, MANY times!!! Too many to count.

It started with my family. Yes, I have described them in previous posts. See below:

But it was also done to me by so-called friends and yes, even boyfriends.

Oh and DEFINITELY bosses and coworkers.

Here are some of the labels directed towards me. See the chart above AND below!!!

1. Derek, you are SO dramatic.
2. Derek, you are defensive.
3. Derek, you are making things up.
4. Derek, you’re a liar.
5. Derek, I was only kidding.
6. Derek, you imagined things differently than I did (said my abusers). It did not happen that way or it didn’t happen at all. You imagined it.
7. Derek, you’re LOUD!

I am not a saint, and I would NEVER pretend to be. I have done and said things that would make Mother Theresa hang her head in shame. But I am not making up the things that have happened to me or that were said to me. And I am not trying to play a victim or get sympathy. That is the furthest thing from my mind. However, these things happened, and I am sure they have happened and/or are happening to some of you NOW! Don’t. Stand. For. It! Walk away if you can! Put a stop to it. Call them out on it!

In summation, LOVE who YOU are!! Know that you are not imagining things. And again, don’t stand from this type of abuse from ANYONE!!! Not from your job, work, bosses, coworkers, friends, lovers, or family!!! You are NOT imagining things!!

And please tell me your experiences in the comment section below.

And of course, be mentally well!!!

P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate!!! Please check out the following book!

“Toxic thoughts, depression, anxiety–our mental mess is frequently aggravated by a chaotic world and sustained by an inability to manage our runaway thoughts. But we shouldn’t settle into this mental mess as if it’s just our new normal. There’s hope and help available to us–and the road to healthier thoughts and peak happiness may actually be shorter than you think.”

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back my friends and fellow mind benders!

This is probably going to be my shortest blog post. So, enjoy it while you can! Ha!

It has been said many, MANY times before – ye olde phrase – “you are not alone.” And hearing it, you probably want to vomit. So, why am I saying it? Because it is true: You are NOT alone.

So, why am I doing this topic on such a corny saying??? Because it is soooooo easy to get lost in this BS known as life, wandering around aimlessly on that hamster wheel, repeatedly doing your thing: Going to work, going to the gym, being in a relationship, making sure the bills are paid and your family is fed. Trying to be this, trying to be that, trying to do this, trying to do that, trying to be anything but fly. (okay that last bit is from a song. Oh never mind LOLOL)

But in going through life trying to do all the things you are “supposed” to be doing, it is very easy to get lost. Or stuck. Or feel hopeless. Or drained. Or that you don’t matter.

You DO matter!

And you are NOT alone!

You are not alone on that damn hamster wheel of life!

You are not alone in your struggles with mental illness.

You are not alone in your struggles with depression.

You are not alone in feeling as if you don’t matter.

You are not alone in feeling that people are letting you down.

You are not alone in your battles with weight or finances or struggling to continue during this pandemic that is STILL GOING ON!

You are not alone if you are thinking of ending it all.

You. Are. Not. Alone!!

Chances are if you are going through something or feeling a certain way, others are, too. And I cry fowl on people who claim that everything is okay, hunky dory, so wonderful,
Atlanta peachy keen. Yuck! I mean, the social media pics say so, right?? Bull. Shit.

And if you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, please, please, PLEASE reach out to ME! No, I am not a doctor or a therapist or medical professional as my disclaimer proclaims, BUT I am actually a very good listener. I won’t give advice unless you want me to LOL.

The comment section is always free and open. I will even share my email address with you if you don’t wish to utilize the comment section. Just ask.

Or if not me, reach out to SOMEONE!

And as the song suggests and as I have said myself, PLENTY OF TIMES, come to my aid.

In summation, I get it. I am struggling. We are all probably struggling in some way. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Fight it!! Talk it out! Scream it out!! Sing it out!! SHOUT IT OUT!!!

Let someone know that you just can ‘t deal. And as I’ve said before, this ONGOING pandemic ain’t helping things. This extra stress of dealing with a potentially deadly virus and very stupid, disagreeable people who either don’t believe that there is a virus or who don’t believe in the vaccine or in wearing masks, all of this can really wear you down.

I am here for you. I really am, because I know what it is like to feel alone and to BE alone. But again, you are not alone, my fellow bent minds.

As always, please be mentally well and safe!!!

P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate! And I feel that since there are a LOT of Star Wars fans out there, this is a pretty relevant video – a new hope. Because I still feel hope even in the darkest of circumstances. Enjoy!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, my dearest Mind Benders!

Today I am going to address something that has been truly weighing on my mind – no pun intended. And that is returning to work during this pandemic. Oy!

My own personal work-from-home history

Let me start with my own work-from-home history.

I have been working from home off and on for over 20 years. Yes, I discovered the joy of working from home wayyyyyy back in 1999 when I began studying to become a medical transcriptionist. When I was told that I could do this from the comfort of my own home and in my pajamas if I wanted (or less LOLOLOL), I was like THIS is the job for me. After going full-time to school for about a year and then dropping out for a while, I finally graduated in 2003. By that time, though, I had already begun working from home doing medical transcription.

That transitioned into simple, nonmedical transcription. And eventually I was working full-time from home, which lasted for about five years! Then later on down the road I did it again for two years!

It was an off and on thing for me, because I ended up taking other jobs outside my home, acting jobs mostly. But I LOVED the idea of working from home where I could start work whenever I wanted, finish whenever I wanted, with no one looking over my shoulder. The refrigerator was right there and, again, I could wear whatever the hell I wanted! No dressing up! Heck, I could even work to music and/or the TV!!!

I began my current outside-the-home job back in late 2017. Then the pandemic hit, and for a lot of lucky devils, including myself, we were fortunate enough to be able to transition to working remotely or from home. (I guess we weren’t essential enough LOL) And that was such a GODSEND!

But in coming back we are asking ourselves some questions:

You mean I can do this from home? And I could have all along??

Why haven’t we been doing this before?

What is the point of even going into an office to work anymore????

What We Have Returned To

We have returned to packing a lunch and/or finding something to bring to work to eat or snack on during the day. And where I work, we are strongly prohibited from using the refrigerator and microwave due to COVID. So, even with returning to work, there are new challenges we have never encountered before. And of course, the biggest is wearing a MASK ALL DAY!! UGH! Side note: Yes, I am fully vaccinated, and I do believe in wearing my mask. But all day????????

We have returned to wearing CLOTHES!!!!! And clothes that hopefully fit!! (I definitely gained during this pandemic!!!)

We have returned to heavy traffic!!!

And I swear to God when I leave my house now to go to work, I feel like I am packing for an overnight trip! THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Not Having to be Around People and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!!!

Working from home is definitely great for stay-at-home moms. But it is also great for people who don’t wish to be around a lot of people. I’m one of THOSE people LOL Let’s face it, the pandemic has made us rethink a lot of things, as it should. And one of them is working and the ability to actually do our jobs from home.

Heck, even teachers had to adjust to working from home and doing their extremely important jobs on Zoom. (And let’s not forget the potential danger of teachers and students returning to the classroom with COVID still out there, this Delta Variant, and unvaccinated people!!! There is DEFINITE anxiety there!!!)

Speaking of Zoom, Zoom has become our friend. Mine anyway. It was quite an adjustment for a lot of us, but I would gather we adapted rather quickly. I know I did. And on my job, which is working in the medical field, it was very much an adjustment with going into private breakout rooms and learning how to share documents via share screen and sharing sound, speaking to others in the room, making sure you are muted and screen blanked/video stopped when appropriate, etc. Eventually, I was able to become Zoom host where I set up the breakout rooms and was able to broadcast messages! So, yeah. I love me some Zoom, baby!!!

However, I also know that there are those individuals who NEED to be around others. And for mental health reasons, i.e. not to feel isolated as we have during the pandemic. But I am not one of those people LOL! But I digress. It is understandable that this work thing that has been around wayyyyyy too long mostly involves working with and around other people. That is what we have been socialized to expect in our worklife, working with others. Gee, I guess it started in that other thing called school. 🙂

And now for many work-from-home people going back into the office or wherever, it is quite difficult to get us out of the house.

This is why it has become very difficult for me to return to the actual space where I work. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my job and the people I work with. But I also LOVE working from home.

I am also VERY grateful to have a job! Because so many people lost theirs during this unfortunate time that we are STILL going through. But I also realized hmmmm I miss this working remote thingy.

But times have definitely changed. We realize that we no longer need to go into an office or wherever to work. We can do it from the comfort of our homes. And yes, in our pajamas or in the – whatever.

And I am not surprised that people feel a bit depressed over returning. Again, the struggle is REAL!! And please take care of YOU!!!

That is it for today. And I look forward to discussing this further as we go along.

Until then, please be mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, bent minders!

In my very last blog post, I tackled complex PTSD or c-PTSD (complex posttraumatic disorder). I talked about what it is and some of the symptoms. I even delved into my story. See link to last blog post below:

Now on with the rest of the show.

So, some of the behaviors or symptoms resulting from c-PTSD are depersonalization, derealization, and dissociation. At this point, I am going to dive into something EXTREMELY personal about me. For many years, I called myself different names. I oftentimes felt that I was not a part of myself or that I was not myself. I did a lot of acting out back in those days, starting in 1989, which is the year I came out.

According to what I’ve read thus far, dissociation is when you feel disconnected from yourself, your own body, and the world around you. And there are numerous ways one can dissociate:

1. Travelling to a new location and taking on a new identity (dissociative fugue).
2. Having difficulty remembering your personal information (dissociative amnesia).
3. Looking at yourself from the outside (depersonalization).
4. Experiencing life as if the world around you is not real (derealization).
5. Feeling your identity shift and change (identity alteration).
6. Having difficulty defining the kind of person you are (identity confusion).

Now, let me connect the dots from the previous post on this subject and the dissociation part. Remember when I told you how I learned from my grandmother that my grandfather had cheated on her and sired two other children? Well, that was in 1987. And that is when I left that cult, and I started drinking and partying. That was a two-year culmination leading up to me finally acknowledging my true sexual identity as being gay and coming out in 1989. It was quite a ride wild. And not the easiest, but rather quite bumpy indeed.

And make no mistake about it, I dissociated starting in 1989. I personally think it was because of all the horror I had endured during childhood up to this point. And coming out was just a springboard, a catalyst. Not to mention the fact that I was still dealing with the religious garbage of saying it was not okay to be gay, that I was an abomination. But just like the Eurythmics’ song says “I Did It Just The Same.” Ha!

So, according to the list above, I suffered from “identity alteration.” (Not to be confused with DID or dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as split or multiple personality). Starting in 1989, I began calling myself other names and going by different personas. Although I was not suffering from true DID and blacking out and having memory loss, I would experience a near blackout as if the room was spinning slightly.

Let’s do a breakdown of the other names/personas I adopted during this time and their characteristics:

Daryl Lord

I considered this person to be the part of myself that was the loud partyer, the drinker, the life of the party. He was very brash and obnoxious and normally talked with a New Jersey accent. He was sort of patterned after actress Erika Slezak’s Niki Smith from “One Life to Live,” except she wore a red wig. Daryl did not wear a red wig, but instead wore a sleeveless cutout, black denim jacket and tight blue jeans and cowboy boots, but not always. When I look back on it, I think he was the part of me that rebelled against all that religion that had been shoved down my throat all my life, and particularly my first two years in college.

Oh God, he was horrible. So, loud and brash and bold. He was able to do and say the things I couldn’t.

Nick Montraire

He was the promiscous personality. Okay. You can say it. He was the slut. He was always at the gay bars picking up strange men. It wasn’t that he dressed differently than me. He was just trashier in a sexy sense, more open with his sexuality. He went off with all sorts of men and yes, he called himself Nick. And that is how the other men knew him/me.

Guillaume Radcliffe (William Ratliff)

This guy was the snooty more studious side of me. He spoke with a British accent, but with a French name LOL. He was ALL business. Very, very smart and highly intelligent. He did not care about sex or partying. Guillaume wanted to see me succeed. He was EXTREMELY ambitious, and he did not like my friends at all.

“Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.” (ME!!!)

I look at it as detaching from reality, detaching from whatever it is I couldn’t face.

Over time, it grew worse, because I would dissociate whenever I felt under stress or there was something I felt I could not handle as Derek. But that one of the others could. As a matter of fact over time, I splintered into more than just Daryl, Nick and Guillaume. After I moved to Atlanta and over time, there were as many as 13 other me’s!!!!

And needless to say, I met others just like me. They shall remain nameless. But there were others who had alternate identities. So, I wasn’t alone. Ha ha!

In summation and to make it abundantly clear, my identity alteration was my way of coping with years and years of mental abuse – the c-PTSD. It’s like Derek died and these “monsters” took over my life. Fortunately, I do not feel a need to do that anymore. As a matter of fact, I think the last time I truly succumbed to my “illness” was back in 2002 over an extremely stressful period in my life.

Believe me, there will be more to the story as we go along. But for now, I want all of you to be mentally well!

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, fellow mindbenders!

I am going to start off by saying again and again and again – I AM NOT A DOCTOR OF ANY KIND! I am not offering medical advice whatsoever. Rather, I am shining a light on what, I perceive to be, is wrong with ME. And I have no business self-diagnosing. So, I will be following up with a professional about this. But If you happen to see things in my posts that resemble you, then all right. Let’s talk about it. My blog is intended to be interactive, but not for medical advice. But that is where it ends. I want to make that very abundantly clear. I am not here to diagnose people, but to shine a light on some things that we may connect on.

With that said, I feel compelled to talk about something that is fairly new to me: complex PTSD. What is complex PTSD? Everyone, of course, has heard of just PTSD – posttraumatic stress disorder – which has typically been referred to or about people who have gone to war and who have returned traumatized. (Think Vietnam. Hell, think Afghanistan.) OR anyone who has experienced any sort of traumatic event. But there is another kind.

And again, I have no business self-diagnosing myself. But I first came across the topic of complex PTSD on YouTube. YES, YOUTUBE. However, after clicking on it and listening to what they had to say, I felt I needed to do some more research.

So, let’s a take a deeper dive into the world of complex PTSD.

What is complex PTSD?

Complex PTSD or c-PTSD (complex posttraumatic stress disorder) is what happens to a person who has undergone months or even years of repeated trauma or abuse, as opposed to PTSD which is over a shorter period of time. Sufferers are people who have endured extended periods of:

• Physical abuse or violence.
• People who are prisoners of war.
• Ongoing childhood abuse or neglect.
• People forced to traffic themselves or forced into prostitution.

Symptoms

And the resulting behaviors or symptoms have been compared to the PTSD we know, such as flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping or concentrating, or being startled by loud noises. But there are other symptoms, such as:

• Avoiding situations (and people) that remind them of the trauma. (Me!)
• Being in a continual state of high alert, i.e. hyperarousal. (Me!)
• Belief that the world is a dangerous place. (Me!)
• A loss of trust in self or others. (Me!)
• Often consider themselves to be different from other people. (oh DEFINITELY Me!)
• Holding a negative view of the world and the people in it. (Again, DEFINITELY Me!)
• Losing faith in previously held beliefs. (Me!)
• Losing control over their emotions, such as experiencing intense anger or sadness. (Me!)
• May have thoughts of suicide. (NOT ME!!!)
• A person may dissociate, which means feeling detached from emotions or physical sensations. Some people completely forget the trauma. (DEFINITELY ME – dissociating, not forgetting)
• It is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse. (Me!!)

As you can see, I put “me” next to each of the above symptoms/behaviors. I am “outing” myself, because I have just described the things I do or have done to cope with my past traumas. So, we may as well dive into my personal story.

My story

There is no other way for me to say this except to say that I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child. The culprits were my paternal grandparents and aunt, the people who actually raised me. I hate to throw them under the bus, but they are exactly where my problems started. There is a LOT to this story. So, you are going to have to bear with me. I will try and give the condensed version.

I was told all sorts of horrible things from the family who raised me. My grandfather often told me that I was going to grow up to be “sorry,” which meant I was going to be lazy and not amount to much.

I was also told on more than one occasion by my grandmother that she was sick and tired of raising me, and that she wished my parents would take me back.

My aunt called me names and slapped me several times across my face, once drawing blood (this was actually in front of my parents in Washington, D.C. They did or said NOTHING about it!).

And yes, I got the belt from both my grandmother and my aunt. Funny how the belt didn’t hurt nearly as much as the words that were used to cut me down.

I also witnessed on MORE THAN ONE OCCASION them fighting amongst themselves. I actually found it amusing at times, but at the same time I was glad it wasn’t directed towards me.

Living in that house was a nightmare at times, because I never knew if and when they were going to get mad and direct their anger towards me. When I look back on it, part of me was actually walking on eggshells as a child, which is the high state of alert mentioned above.

By the way, I experienced the same in school from teachers and most definitely some of my classmates. And I was afraid of EVERYBODY!

From intense fear to intense anger

But things began to change. You see, the older I got, the angrier I got. I grew sick and tired of my family mistreating me, and there were times in which I rebelled. Big surprise. Nothing major, in my opinion; I would simply talk back. A lot. And there was the time when my grandmother tried to whip me with the belt when I was 16, and I grabbed it and basically took it away from her. Big no no. Oh boy I never heard the end of that one. They all were upset with me over that! LOL

There was also the time when my grandfather had prostate surgery, and could not drive for over a month. So, I had to take my grandmother and aunt shopping. The Saturday trips to the grocery store were all on me, driving to church, etc. And I HATED it! Which is another subject and no doubt added to what I now suspect as complex-PTSD. According to my familial passengers I was either driving too fast. Or I needed to watch out for this car and that car. Slow down. Hit the brakes. And driving my grandmother was THE WORST! She always acted as if she had a set of brakes on her side!! LOL

Well, one day after school, my aunt came home and said that she needed me to take her uptown. I told her that I would do it in a minute. Let me rest first. Oh no that wasn’t good enough. She had to go NOW. So, that started an argument, which led to full Armageddon between me and the rest of the family. It was so bad that my grandfather, who had been sitting on his ass for over six weeks at this point “recovering” (he was milking it for all it was worth) drove her. But boy did I hear about it from grandmother and from him and my aunt upon their return.

Turns out my grandmother revealed to me about two years after this when I was in college, that my grandfather had had several affairs on her, one of which produced two outside children. And that I actually went to school with my own uncle and didn’t even know it!!!

This reveal rocked me to the very core of my existence. So, NONE of this was my fault. It was my grandfather’s all along. The very same man who said I was going to grow up to be “sorry.” I hated him after that. And my anger grew more intense. (And actually, my grandmother and I grew closer and bonded. She told me afterwards that she did not see a difference between me and my aunt and my father. That I was HER child. So, that actually made up for the past between us.)

Nonetheless, the anger didn’t stop there where other people were concerned. Over the next several decades it grew and grew and grew. It got much worse. Anyone that I lived with, for example, ended up seeing – and receiving – the full brunt of my anger.

I would just blow up for no reason. It was awful!! And again, sometimes it would just come from out of left field.

I am going to stop here before this article gets too long! LOL But there is definitely more to my story and to the whole c-PTSD thing. So, stay tuned for PART 2!!

And in the meantime, as always, be mentally well!!

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, my friends! Today we are going to explore when it is time to seek therapy when things are getting too tough for you to handle. And remember, there is no shame in our game!

They are just WORDS!

Let me start by saying that the terms “psychiatrist” or “psychologist” or even “therapist” may sound scary or even shameful to a lot of people, particularly if there is a suggestion that one needs to seek professional help. I say that these are just WORDS, but it is understandable, again, that these words can be triggering to some. In other words, people may take offense or even be frightened at the thought of seeing someone for professional help. So, look at it as simply going to talk to someone about your problems. Just you and that professional who is there to help, listen, and guide you. Not tell you what to do, but simply provide some tools to help you with whatever you are going through.

I was talking with a friend the other day about the benefits of therapy. He told me that he had lost his lover way back in 1992 after a 13-year relationship, as well as losing two brothers — all to AIDs. He was swimming in a pool of loss and despair, loneliness and depression. And he didn’t even realize it.

It wasn’t until he spoke with another friend who told him that perhaps he should see someone professionally. At first, he balked at the very idea that he needed to seek outside help. But he also realized that living alone in his house, his inner demons were speaking to him day in and day out. And this went on for years.

Once he realized that he was in dire need of help, he got it. And he began to cope with his losses. However, others do not realize they need help or they do, but feel they can’t afford it, which is understandable.

The Shame and Stigma of it all!

It is a shame that in this country, we do not have Universal Healthcare. It is also a shame that we do not recognize that mental illness is a MAJOR problem here in America. Just imagine instead of treating people with mental health issues as if they are criminals or freaks or scourges or outcasts, you treat them with kindness and compassion and understanding. Things would be vastly different.

And I might add there are a LOT of people walking around who think they are okay, but who could really benefit from therapy or simply talking to someone about what is really going on with them.

So, let’s see if we can take the stigma out of not only mental illness, but asking for professional help or seeking therapy, too.

Only Human

First of all, it is okay to NOT be okay. That’s right. I said it. Let’s face it, we are not – I repeat – we are NOT going to be 100% tiptop, superman/superwoman/super nonbinary all the freaking time!! Everything is not going to be okay and perfect every single day of our lives. If you do believe that, then you don’t reside on the same planet the rest of us do.

I am not at all saying wallow in it, but what I am saying is we are human. I don’t care what religion or belief system you hold, we are all still HUMAN!

Secondly, it is definitely okay to ask for help. But when should you?

• When whatever you are facing or going through just becomes absolutely unbearable.
• When you realize that your problems are affecting your life, your job, your work, your family, your activities, YOU.

Check out the link below that goes more in depth:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-should-i-go-to-therapy-8-signs-its-time-to-see-a-therapist-0118197

I’ve Been There

Again, I am not a doctor. But I will tell you I have, myself, sought therapy for anger issues in the past, and I found it beneficial. I learned the root cause of some of my anger and how to effectively manage and deal with it. (I sense another blog post!!! LOL)

And yes, I even sought help for my intrusive thoughts and found it helpful, as well. I am even considering seeking help yet again.

The above friend I mentioned stated that he found it helpful just to talk to someone about what he was feeling. And sometimes that is all a person needs is to just talk to someone and have them listen.

Crisis mode

In the research that I have done, if you feel you are in severe crisis mode, i.e. you are contemplating suicide, it is best to contact a crisis or suicide hotline first before delving into therapy.

I recently learned that someone who was in extreme crisis, actually checked himself into a mental health facility for about a month. He said it helped him tremendously. Again, there is no shame in our game.

Now, before I go, if you feel that therapy is for you and you are not in immediate crisis, then click on the link below. And you can do the therapy sessions in the comfort of your own home!

And in the meantime, and as always, please be mentally well!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-should-i-go-to-therapy-8-signs-its-time-to-see-a-therapist-0118197

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