Category: mental health and well-being

Mini disclaimer: Today’s blog post may come across to some of you as rambling and all over the place, because my thoughts are definitely all over the place on this topic. So, please bear with me. Thanks!

Big greetings to all of my friends! Hope you are well and happy!

As the headline states – is dealing with other people driving us insane, to utter madness?

I am writing this post, because of all of my DECADES of dealing with human beings. I know I am focusing on my negative experiences, such as dealing with the overly religious people, the people who were mean to me and who tried to bully me and belittle me, and the human beings I had to act a certain way around or say certain things to. It was soooooo tiring. I am absolutely tired of it. This is why I desire to be alone more and more. I even have a desire to live away from people out in the country somewhere. And I NEVER thought I would feel that way. I just feel now that people are in my way. I even go to the grocery early in the morning to avoid the crowds. And yes, I even take social media breaks. And that is okay!

People – earthlings – or “earth things” as I like to laughingly refer to them, can be EXTREMELY complicated. Simple yet complicated at the same time because of emotions and belief systems and their underlying “stuff” or “baggage” that all of us come with. It can be VERY arduous to handle.

So many different personalities to deal with on a daily basis. So many different ideologies. Different energies emanating from different people. It can be so mentally draining and such a mindblower. But I suppose the world would be boring if everyone was the same. However, sometimes at the end of the day after dealing with all of the people madness, you just wish to be alone and chill. (And no wonder so many people prefer animals/pets to other people)!

But speaking of different energies, I firmly believe that you can tune into the vast energies of others. It happens all the time. Some people may be very happy when you see them. Others can be very sad or depressed. Others angry. Others just simply blah. I can almost tell the state of an earth thing when I see them. And we pick up on those energies, and they can permeate through us and, definitely, affect us, too.

But some people’s energies can be too much to bear. Whether they are that chatty person who will not shut up.

Or the nagging person who will not shut up LOL

That family member who is always making caustic statements that they claim are just joking comments.

Or that sort of “friend” who does that sort of “joking,” which quite frankly pisses you off.

Your partner or loved one or significant other who is constantly putting you down.

Or the partner or significant other who is not independent at all, but clingy and cloying.

The buttinsky in-laws.

The noisy neighbors!!

What about those coworkers who are rude, inconsiderate, talk your ear off, or bring all their drama to the workplace????

Also, in managing these divergent individuals, you may find yourself watching what you say so as not to make them angry.

Or question you.

Or belittle you.

Now, there are basically four types of earth things that I cannot stand to deal with:

1. Overly religious people. (I feel like I have to walk a tightrope around them, watch what I say.)
2. People who talk too much. (They never let you get a four-letter word in edgewise. They are draining and often put me to sleep as I tune out.)
3. Those individuals who must belittle you constantly. (They think they are being funny; they are just being obnoxious.)
4. Humans who correct EVERYTHING you say, i.e. again, you feel you must watch what you say around them. (Another set of a draining bunch, the know-it-alls. I don’t like being corrected as it is, but these people take it to an extreme!)

I want you all to know that I am not in any way blaming anyone else for my/our problems. But one thing I have discovered about life and people in general, is that it can be rather laborious to have to navigate around and through other individuals, whether they are your family, close friends, your more personal and intimate relationships, and just people in general.

The other thing I have definitely learned is that sometimes it is not life or even life circumstances that bring us down. It’s the people.

I am also going to be transparent in saying I know for a fact that I have been a challenge to deal with due to all of my problems and mental imbalance and neuroses. I used to take my mental horror show out on others, which is a big NO NO. (And unfortunately, I just did it again, which will be another blog post.) We should NEVER do that. But I know sometimes, we unfortunately do. I have allowed my emotional instability and nonsense to affect everyone from family to close friends to even strangers. It was horrible. So, I am putting myself out there first and foremost.

And, of course, there have been MANY times I have been affected by humans and their whatever. We all have.

And so addressing the question again, is dealing with people making us insane? Or maybe insane is a strong word. Edgy? Cautious? Careful? Nervous? Anxious? Crazy?

I asked a friend and frequent reader of my blog what bugs him the most about people. His answer was their selfishness. I can see that. There are those individuals who CLEARLY only care about themselves. For me, it is the tiny ways in which people show their selfishness. Whenever you are at the grocery store and they want to block the aisles. Or they are in their car and another car is on the other side of a two-lane road or street, and they decide to hold a conversation from their cars. Of course, there are bigger ways people show their selfishness, such as thinking of themselves rather than the needs of others.

I also find the expectations and pressure people put on us extremely draining. There are the expectations from family, friends, PARENTS, and yes, even children and significant others. You try to match said expectations and live up to them, which is intricate, wearisome and downright exhausting.

The best one can do in this situation is to breathe, take a step back, and realize that you can only expect the best of yourself, and that you do not have to live up to the expectations of others. Children, of course, are different I would imagine. But also, as long as your children are provided for and well cared for and nurtured, I think you should still make sure you are taking care of yourself, too.

Ending on a positive, try gravitating to those individuals that energize you, prop you up, bring a smile to your face. THOSE are the people I wish to be around.

However, it is okay to be by yourself to refresh. Reframe. Recharge. And we need to seek the comfort of ourselves from time to time to simply regain balance.

Well, this is the end for today. I hope you enjoyed this post, and I look forward to seeing you next week.

As always, please be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back for another round of the Battle of the Minds!!

As I discussed in my last post, I decided that enough is enough. I am beyond sick and tired of these recurring and intrusive thoughts that have marred my entire life. It is now WAR!!!

Please see last week’s post below for Part 1.

I HAVE DECLARED WAR ON MY OWN MIND! – PART 1

Fear

Before we dive in, I definitely think one component of this whole thing for me and for anyone else suffering from recurring, bothersome thoughts is fear. I have discussed this previously. I personally think that fear is at the root of intrusive thoughts. Think about it. If it was something great and wonderful that crosses our minds, we wouldn’t mind that at all. And actually, we look at good thoughts more like daydreaming rather than being intrusive or bothersome.

So, I am challenging myself (and you, as well) to face those fears. Whatever is troubling you or being intrusive, etc. FACE IT. Have the courage to face it head on. Perhaps that will lessen the thoughts.

Now. How does one declare war on their own mind? Very simply: It is like a “we’re mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore!!” mindset, no pun intended.

And how do I plan to engage in a battle with my own mind?

By being more vigilant as to what I will and won’t allow into my thought processes. It has been said that we cannot control what we think. And to some extent that is true. However, I do believe that you don’t have to fall for the negative thinking or go down the rabbit hole, as I like to put it, of a negative thought. Just don’t feed the monster.

For example, if I think ‘oh my God! What if one day I will go blind,’ I have three choices (probably more than that), but here are my top 3:

1. You can talk back to that thought and say ‘no I’m not’ or ruminate on it, which actually makes things worse.
2. Just ignore it.
3. Think about something else.

Talking back to your intrusive thoughts

This may sound strange, but it is true that we talk back to our thoughts. We wonder ‘why did I think that?’ which takes us down the rabbit hole of ‘there must be something wrong with me for thinking that thought.’ This is when we get into ruminating over our negative, intrusive thoughts, which gets us into trouble. I know it has gotten me into trouble lots of time.

I have read many articles on the subject of intrusive thoughts, and that is the one thing they all say you should never do is engage with these horrible thoughts. That is only going to make them worse and stick around much longer. So, in other words, don’t talk back to them (or in this case, “think” back to them – ha!). Just let them pass through your mind. Which brings us to the second point.

Ignore them

Easier said than done, I know. But you can do it. We have sooooo many thoughts that pass through our minds every single day, that when you think about it, there are those that we ignore. They are so quick and so fleeting, that we don’t even think about them. For example, you may think “I need to go to the store.” Okay, you realize that and don’t even pay attention to it anymore. So, how come we cannot do the same with a horrible thought such as ‘I could just run over that small child’? Oh how gruesome, but our brains are wired that when something like that comes into our minds we feel grotesque, evil, and strange. So much so that we want to turn this awful thought around and around and around in our heads. We want to know WHY we even thought that. We wonder if there is something wrong with us. And no, actually, there isn’t. It is our minds. And as I have realized we are NOT our thoughts.

Think about something else

I discussed in yet another blog post a while ago about changing the channel in your mind. If you feel like you are stuck, change that channel. Think of something else. Allow your thoughts to be flooded with another, more positive, happier thought. For example, ‘I could just run over that small child’ or ‘oh my God! What if I go blind,’ why not think of beautiful flowers? Or a trip to Europe? Or eating good food? Who says we have to be stuck on the horrible thinking?

And if you are having trouble thinking of something else, distract yourself with music. Try talking to a friend. Watch television. Read a book. Be around people. Something/anything to get your mind off things. By the way, check out the blog post where I discuss changing that channel and other helpful tips in dealing with your intrusive thoughts. Please see below:

The Lies of the Mind

Affirmations

You’ve heard of them PLENTY of times by now. Why not use them in your/our battle against intrusive thoughts? I do them EVERY day, and I find it helpful. When all else fails, I will fall back on them. One of my personal faves is “no person, place, THOUGHT, feeling or thing has any power over me.”

But here is a list of some affirmations that I use daily that are more in line with mental health issues:

1. I no longer allow my thoughts to interfere with my life.
2. My mind is unstuck and normal and working properly.
3. I refuse to worry or obsess needlessly.
4. I am no longer fearing the future, and I am not catastrophizing anymore.
5. I will not let my thoughts bother or upset me.
6. My mind is clear and free of fear.
7. I am no longer allowing recurring and intrusive thoughts to hold my mind hostage.
8. Stop being afraid of your own mind.

These are just some of my own personal affirmations. Feel free to use them or create your own.

Another way I am amping up the fight is to simply meditate even more. I go inside my mind and picture the best possible images I can. I even see myself going way outside of my body into outer space and seeing swirls of smoke (I’ve heard meditation gurus say to visualize balloons to represent your thoughts. So, choose whatever you like). The swirls of smoke represent my negative thoughts that I just allow to move seamlessly past me. I have no connection to them. I pay no attention to them as they float by.

And regardless of your belief system, prayers can also be helpful.

Overall, I have decided to not allow myself to be eaten alive by my own mind. It is a struggle, yes, but manageable. I truly do believe that sometimes it is an extreme deep dive into your consciousness and also even your own life and what is going on with you. ALWAYS check in with yourself to see how you are feeling, holding up, etc. Keep fighting the good fight.

And, of course, if the battle is too much, by all means seek professional help.

Again, I wish to thank all of you for reading and continuing with me on my/our journey. And until the next time, please be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hello there, all my dear friends following this blog!!

Things are going to get a bit strange. So, hang on. Today, I am declaring war on my own mind. That’s right. You read it here. It’s a showdown. Derek v. Derek’s Mind!

By now, you all know I suffer from intrusive and/or recurring thoughts. These thoughts are like a scratchy and broken record that just won’t turn off!!

And I have had enough of this shit! I realize that I have been tolerating this long enough. I have been putting up with it and suffering in silence. I have allowed my mind to just go off the rails for far too long. I have already spoken at length about my intrusive thoughts, thoughts that have plagued me for YEARS. Hell, for DECADES! Since childhood.

However, they have gotten worse. I personally believe it is because of the past four years. And we all know what happened the last four years. So, it is of no surprise that that would be such a major trigger.

I am going to take a deeper dive into these thoughts. So, here is a timeline of the horrors that have gone on in my mind. I am hoping that this will help someone else who may be suffering from this rather strange disorder.

Before we start, I revealed some of these recurring thoughts in my last post. Please see below.

Possession Obsession

Anyway, the time has come to finally once and for all stand up to this crap and face ALL my fears from the past, and now in the present. This means WAR!!!

A Dresser Drawer, Derek???

My earliest scare and subsequent thought(s) that got stuck in my mind was wayyyyyy back when I was living in Washington, D.C., as a child, and I was dreaming that the dresser drawer in the living room would come to life in my nightmares. And it would tickle my back. Strange, I know. But I lived in fear of going to sleep at night. And this was one of the things I obsessed about, referring back to some of my obsessions from last week’s post. I would even talk to this chest of drawers during the day to try and understand why it was attacking me at night. I was so frightened and talked about it so much that my mother even considered taking me to see a psychiatrist!!! Sometimes I wish she had …

Of Course I would obsess over DEATH!

My next memory of vivid intrusive thoughts was when I was living in North Carolina, and I began obsessing over death for some strange reason. I was in about the 1st grade, I think, when this started. I always thought I would not make it to the next grade, and I don’t know why. I don’t remember ever telling my family about this one. I just suffered in silence. And every movie about death and dying that I saw on TV made the thoughts worse. One such movie was Dark Victory with Elizabeth Montgomery, not the Bette Davis one. I feared that everything that happened to Elizabeth Montgomery in this movie, would happen to me. So, when Elizabeth’s character developed a brain tumor, so did I. She lost her memory and so did I. She had blurry vision and so did I. And so on, if you catch my drift. It was a nightmare. (But Elizabeth turned in a bravura performance, though – LOLOLOLOL)!

And this is where the fear of memory loss came in during this time. I remember constantly saying to myself over and over my name, my address, my birthdate, the names of my parents, grandparents and aunt to make sure. I did these little check-ins. So, in hindsight, I guess this was my compulsion, going back to the previous post from above – “Possession Obsession.”

At the Height of Things

Next up was the height thing starting in about 7th or 8th grade where I thought I would NEVER grow taller. All my other classmates suddenly were GIANTS compared to me, including the girls. But my growth spurt hadn’t happened yet. So, what did I do? I stuffed my sneakers with socks so I would appear taller. I thought I was taller because of doing it, but I probably didn’t appear that way to everyone else LOL!

And for the record, I did get over this one, because suddenly later in life I was taller than everyone else. And to me, suddenly other people were short!! LOL

WAR!!!!

Let’s skip to the 80s and high school and the Cold War between the U.S. and Russia. Oh. My. God. This was the time I thought we were all going to get nuked off the face of the map!!! Those of you alive back then know exactly what I am talking about. And everytime I would visit my parents and brother in D.C., I lived in constant fear that a nuclear war would break out, and we would all be dead. And of course, the movie The Day After didn’t help ease my fears or quell my intrusive thoughts over the matter. And there were other such movies of that theme back then, such as Threads and Testament, but The Day After was the WORST!! It was so graphic!!

Around this time, Culture Club released one of my absolute favorite songs by them, with one of THE BEST videos EVER! (Sorry Michael Jackson’s Thriller). I think the song and video depict this horrible topic quite well. Check it out.

Losing my RELIGION!!

Ugh! This storyline picks up when I started college.

Quick backstory: When I entered UNC-Chapel Hill’s hallowed halls back in August of ’85, my grandmother was immediately on my back to go to church. After all, I had been forced – yeah. I said it. – FORCED to go to church every Sunday from the time I started living there in 1972 to go to school. And my grandmother wanted to make sure that I continued to do so. So, I ended up going with my then friend whom I referred to as “Big Daddy.” His sister, who was a year ahead of us, was attending this church known as United Christian Fellowship. So, I went with them. Oh my God that turned out to be a HUGE mistake. Let’s just say it turned out to be a cult. True, we could come and go anytime we wanted, but the rules were so strict. We couldn’t have anything to do with the “world” at all. No secular music or TV programs, which meant no more Culture Club or Hall & Oates, et al or soap operas!!!! I was in pure HELL – so to speak.

So, it didn’t take long for my mind to begin to spiral out of control. And at the very center of this was actually another Culture Club song entitled Dangerous Man. There is a line in there that goes – “Martin had the Devil just like any man can,” and I began to suspect that I had blasphemed the Holy Ghost. I just knew that by singing that particular line in that song that I was going to burn in hell for eternity, because according to the Bible, that is the one sin you can never be forgiven for.

So, I went to the pastor of the church at the time and told him my fears. He actually convinced me that I was not going to burn in hell because of that. But I needed that validation. Eventually (and thankfully), I left that church! And later, organized religion all together!

Hey, but the song that started this is HOT! Needless to say, I am well past that nonsense, and I have continued to enjoy this song and sing that lyric ever since. LOLOL Check it out!

Insanity and Sexuality

Skipping ahead to 1999 when on a road trip with some friends back to North Carolina, I saw an astrologer whom I had seen previously before I moved to Atlanta. Well, I decided it would be fun to see him again. Big. Mistake. To cut to the chase, he told me two things that frightened the hell out of me: That Atlanta and several other American cities, especially New York, would be destroyed in a nuclear war. Yeah, so THAT old fear came flooding back. But actually the most troubling one was when he told me that I was bisexual. BISEXUAL??? WTH???

Needless to say my mind went into yet another tailspin. I hadn’t declared myself as bisexual since I was 13, and even then I felt more homosexual. I guess I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge my true homosexuality at that age. But by 1999, I was 32 years old and VERY homosexual!!! I had had several lovers and many, many, MANY tricks and same-sex encounters. And I never once had been with a woman nor had I desire to be with one. I never even masturbated thinking of a woman. It had ALWAYS been men.

But then after the session with my astrologer, I began questioning myself. What if I really was? And that is when the intrusive thoughts began. Every time I would see women from that point on, it would pop into my head something sexual about her. It got to a point where I didn’t even want to be around women for a period of time. Fortunately, that first bout didn’t last very long, and I was able to move forward and continue to have sex with men and not even think about any women. I was also able to maintain my friendships with women with no problem of the thoughts.

However, many years later it crept up again. And it was worse than the first time. Just awful things that would pop into my head about women. I couldn’t even watch TV shows or movies when women would appear in a scene, because my mind raged out of control. What if I want to kiss her or have sex with her?? And on and on and on. It got to the point that I sought psychiatric help, not because I doubted my sexuality, but because I was actually annoyed over the thoughts. At this point, I had been doing research – yes online – about recurring and intrusive thoughts, and I knew that I was not alone.

And to be honest, over the past year and a half of isolation, the problem came back again! Thankfully, I am at a point where I am like NO! We are not doing this again.

I can’t see. I can’t see! I CAN’T SEE!!! I’ve Got My Eyes Closed! (old Three Stooges joke)

Then there are the fear of blindness thoughts. Years ago, again, stupid me had to conduct research online about my eye floaters, a common occurrence of people who are near-sighted, which I am one. But what I read on the subject caused me to go into yet another of my mental tailspins: If the eye floaters worsen or there are suddenly a lot of floaters in your eyes, it could mean retinal detachment and eventual blindness. And ever since then every now and then, I will think I am going to go blind. And awful thoughts will pop in my mind saying that I even WANT to experience blindness, which is not true! And these are the recurring thoughts that dominate my mind at this very moment of me writing this!! It is pure torture. And I am considering seeking professional help again.

What’s more in my study of manifesting the kind of life I want, I’ve read that if you focus on something a lot, it expands. So, these intrusive thoughts of blindness don’t help with that.

I know I am not going blind and that I have nothing to fear, but my mind tells me otherwise.

So, my friends, I have said all of the above to say again, I am officially at war with my own mind. I absolutely REFUSE to continue this way.

Please allow me to stop there, as this will need to be continued in a Part 2 next Friday.

In the meantime, remember you’ve got this journey, and stay and be mentally well always!!

And especially to my intrusive thought sufferers, hang in there. You are NOT your thoughts!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I am now an Amazon Affiliate! If you love and enjoy Amazon as much as I do, please check out today’s offer shown below!!!

Hello, my fellow mental wellness friends!!

Back with another topic: Obsessions.

I must admit that I am totally guilty of this. I have been obsessed with all sorts of things throughout my life. Note the following:

• Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries.
• The Bionic Woman.
• Wonder Woman.
• Music – more specifcally Culture Club, Eurythmics, and Hall & Oates – hence the title of this particular post, which is one of their songs – “Possession Obsession.”
• Soap Operas.
• Food.
• Men.

So, what I am saying on top of all of my other neuroses, is I have an obsessive personality, apparently. The above list are fun obsessions, obsessions I most certainly do not mind and even truly love.

But what about when obsessions become troublesome and they are not fun? Or they get stuck in your mind to the point of being extremely bothersome?

We have all heard the term OCD – obsessive-compulsive disorder – many times before. And one could say that we are all a little OCD about certain things. But if it begins to interfere with your everyday life, then it becomes a problem.

OCD is when a person obsesses on something or cannot get their mind off of certain things and has the “compulsion” to do something over and over again, normally to combat the obsession. These thoughts (and compulsions) are often uncontrollable. The person suffering from the disorder cannot help it. When we think of OCD we think of people who are worried about germs and, therefore, feel a need to constantly wash their hands. Or the person who must check all locks and lights REPEATEDLY in their home before leaving.

So, breaking it down even further, the obsession is the thought part of OCD and the compulsion is the active doing part to try and neutralize or counteract that obsession. In other words, the person who has the thought that germs are everywhere will try and counteract or neutralize that thought by washing their hands repeatedly.

And when all of this gets out of hand, it can become downright horrible for the person who is going through it.

And just for the record, people with this condition do not want to have these thoughts and may even realize that these thoughts and even resulting behaviors or compulsions are ridiculous and don’t make any sense.

Different types of OCD

• The need to repeatedly check things, as mentioned above, such as light switches, the oven, door locks, etc.

• Fear of contamination. Again, this is the one a lot of us have heard of, where people feel the need to wash their hands repeatedly after touching doorknobs, handles, shaking hands with others, anything others in public would touch or handle, etc. Think the television character/show Monk.

• Everything must be in order. Having to have things in alignment or ordered in a certain way. For me it was my CDs. Ha! Funny now because I don’t listen to CDs anymore. My music is all on my phone! LOL

• Intrusive thoughts. Ahhhh my personal fave!! Thoughts that you just cannot get out of your mind. And no, they are not pleasant. As a matter of fact, they can be downright disturbing. Thoughts that are sexually explicit about someone you would never have sex with. (I mean, I would rather think of Christopher Meloni naked, but when thoughts of some old woman pops into your head instead – see? That’s what I’m talking about!) Or thoughts of hurting someone that you would never hurt. The types of troublesome recurring and intrusive thoughts are endless!

Derek’s Story

My OCD is mainly uncontrollable, bad thoughts. I don’t really have a compulsion to do anything to counteract what goes on in my mind, except sometimes I will think or even say NO! Or ENOUGH! or STOP! – as a way to neutralize my racing and/or intrusive thoughts. So, you can have the obsessions without the compulsions.

Believe me, if you suffer from this, you would know exactly what I am speaking of.

I have begun to realize that I have always had obsessive thoughts my entire life, even as a child. I remember obsessing on death and even thinking that I would not make it to the next grade in school when I was a little boy.

That later turned into obsessing over my height and thinking I was too short. So, I started stuffing socks in the soles of my shoes starting around 7th grade to make myself appear taller.

Later on it was an obsession with nuclear war, dying of AIDS, and a fear of losing my memory and even a fear of going blind. I felt as if my mind was out of control, like my mind had a mind of its own. And when I look back on all of this, it makes total sense to me that OCD was at the root of my problems.

But where does it come from? I don’t think anyone really knows. Perhaps it is stress. Or anxiety. I honestly believe mine stems from fear, fear of something bad happening. Or just generalized anxiety, which is ANOTHER topic to delve into. I was actually diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a couple of years back, which also explains a lot about me. Generalized anxiety disorder or GAD is exactly how it sounds – you have a generalized or overall anxiety about pretty much everything. It is the feeling that something bad is going to happen.

And that is where the thoughts and the obsessions can begin, which can lead into the compulsions.

Sadly, there is no cure for OCD. BUT it can be managed through therapy and yes, medication. I am on paroxetine or Paxil. It does help somewhat, but I do a LOT of meditation and a great deal of just ignoring those thoughts that are troublesome. Believe me, it takes a great deal of mental strength to do it, but it can be done.

There is a great deal more about OCD that I cannot even begin to cover in this post. By all means check out the source material below for further information.

Well, that is it for today, my fellow ment binders. Hahahaha! As always, please be well and stay safe and mentally well!

Sources:

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hi there, my fellow ment binders – er I mean bent minders LOL I am hoping you are all well and happy today!

Today, we are revisiting everyone’s favorite topic: SOCIAL MEDIA!

If you didn’t see my previous blog post on this hot topic, check it out:

Toxicity in Social Media Validation

Gosh, social media has completely taken over our lives, hasn’t it? I remember a time PRE social media when we met up with each other and talked, had conversations without documenting it for the world to see. Not documenting where we were or with whom and most certainly not documenting and taking pictures of what we ate or drank! The only time people saw pictures of our weddings or anniversaries or birthdays or vacations is when they were in an album, and you had to see the person – in person – to see said pics. But now all of this is at our fingertips, easily accessible at any time. On one hand that’s good. But on the other hand, it kinda sucks.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am beginning to feel bombarded wishing EVERYONE a happy birthday or happy anniversary or congratulations on this or that or liking this or that. Liking where someone ate, WHAT they ate, where they’ve been locally or travel/vacation wise. It. Is. OVERWHELMING!

Don’t get me wrong I am happy for all of my friends’ happy occasions, but when you see an endless stream of the same. Tired. Thing. Over. And over. And OVER again – it gets to be a bit much. I have even questioned didn’t so and so JUST celebrate an anniversary or birthday????

It’s in your face DAILY (if you choose to go on there daily, that is). Actually, even if you take a break and come back it is still there.

Oh and yes, it can make you feel inadequate if you are not getting a lot of likes or views on your own pictures/posts. You may even feel like your life isn’t measuring up to friends and family. God knows I’ve been there. But then again, God knows I also remember who I am and my own accomplishments, and that I don’t compare myself to ANYBODY!

But my question is this? Are we all still acting like we are back in high school or heaven forbid, junior high?? Where we strived to be liked and popular and seen, etc. I don’t know about anybody else, but I am happy that I finally left high school (or as I jokingly refer to it as – “low” school) behind. The year I left was 1985, to be exact!

Getting through junior high and high school was tough enough. But now that we are out of it, it seems that it still wishes to return. After all, if you’re like me, on your social media feed, particularly Facebook, you are “friends” with people you grew up with, went to school with, including college, etc. And they’re back!! Now with kids and even grandkids of THEIR own. And I think it is a good thing to keep up with them. It is actually kinda cool to see the next generation. And yes, the babies are soooooooo cute!

But the rest of the sharing sometimes feels like a popularity contest. Someone’s new house. New car. Latest vacation. Big promotion. With 1,000 likes. And you look at your own feed and go – oy! They DON’T like ME. I am not as popular as so and so. I only got FIVE likes or none at all. Perhaps you go into junior high or high school mode. And who needs that? That is why I remember to be grateful whether I get just one like or hundreds of them.

It’s like a drug. I think when you post something even though on the surface you tell yourself you just want to “share,” and so whatever happens happens in terms of “likes.” But I also think deep down we want to be liked and validated, just like Oprah said before:

1. Did you hear me?
2. Did you see me?
3. Did what I say mean anything to you?

We all want to be validated and celebrated by others. However, sometimes I think it gets out of hand on Facebook, et al from time to time. Again, it is easy to compare yourself to others and their accomplishments. But you cannot do that or you will be sad and upset and bitter. Like me LOLOLOL

But seriously, before I compare myself to anyone else on social media or otherwise, I remember to march to my own drum. Or in my case TRUMPET!

But seriously, step away from social media. It will be there. Trust me. I really don’t think it’s necessary to keep up with EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME. I really don’t. Especially if it starts to mess with your mind and with you.

This is why I have to take a break from social media from time to time. And I am not the only one. Other people have told me that taking a Facebook/social media break does wonders for them and their mental health. And I refuse to return to a place in my life where I was constantly seeking others’ approval and validation. I just take Facebook, et al with a grain of salt. And I actually like when I step away, because I no longer feel the need to be caught up into whatever everyone else is doing or going through. Your mind needs a break every once in a while. So, take it if you feel overwhelmed, because social media is not high school!

In summation, I think it is not only mentally healthy to break away from social media and the screens and the phone, it is almost necessary. Give your eyes a rest. For gosh sakes, give your MIND a rest. Go back to having real conversations with people and in person if possible. (I know COVID still makes it a little tough.) Reconnect. Try sharing the vacations, someone’s big promotion or anniversary or birthday – THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY for a change. In person.

Oh and do not compare yourself to anyone else. Ever.

Okay, my friends, this is it for now. By all means, stay mentally well and safe!

By the way, I am now an Amazon affiliate. Please check out the Amazon link above and below. I don’t know about you, but I am constantly needing audio jacks to play my music from my phone on my car. I swear by Amazon products. So, check them out!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hello, my fellow friends battling mental imbalance (and those who aren’t)!

Boundaries. We all have them. However, there are many times when people try and push past them. So, how do you handle it when they do?

Some examples of boundary pushing are:

• People not being mindful of your time.
• When friends or family won’t get off the phone when talking to you for hours, and you’ve given EVERY indication you are ready to hang up!
• Taking or borrowing your things without asking.
• Saying things to you that you find inappropriate.
• Touching you or even hugging you without your permission.
• Not asking permission. Period.
• Making assumptions that you will or will not do something.
• Borrowing money – oh boy what a sticky one, expecially between friends! And if you are always loaning money to someone!!

You get my drift.

I am a person who has spent MOST of my life with people pushing past my boundaries, and I am still learning how to set my own personal boundaries, even at age 54. There are times when I do keep my mouth shut over some things and others not so much. Some boundaries are easy to set, while some boundaries, especially between close friends and even family and people you like, may not be so easy.

The Phone

Well, one boundary I have begun to set for myself is in regards to the phone. We live in a society where we ALWAYS have our phones with us now due to the invention of the smartphone. But I have realized that I would rather have someone text me than call me. Yes. I have become THAT person. I will only accept phone calls from close family and close friends. Everyone else can just text me unless it is an emergency. And if it is, then may I suggest 911? My little joke.

I am no longer into idle chitchat, and I think some of my friends and associates are starting to get the message, so to speak. I let the phone always go to voicemail, and I always have it set on silent. I will call back when I have the time, which could be the following week. Or two!! LOL

Your Job/Work/Coworkers

I have recently been reminded of boundary setting by two friends/coworkers who have no problem speaking up for themselves. And this made me question am I doing the same? I feel like I do, and that I have. But am I really?

I recently had to explain to one of the coworkers I mentioned above that she stepped over my boundaries by speaking for me in regards to something as simple as going to the movies. She told the other boundary-setting coworker that I would be happy to go with her to see the movie “Aretha.” In other words, she spoke FOR me. And I was not happy with that, and I told her so. She was completely understanding. So, I guess I do speak up for myself. LOL

I think one of the ways to know your boundaries is to know yourself and what you will and will not tolerate or put up with. As I’ve heard many times before, know your worth! What may be okay with one may not be okay with another. Back to my coworker who crossed a boundary with me, well previously, she did not like it when me and another coworker were whispering to each other. That doesn’t bother me unless we are at dinner or something. But at work or anywhere else, I wouldn’t care. But it obviously bothered her, and she let us know. And whispering in front of others is considered rude by many people.

The Boss

And yes, I think it is important to set boundaries with your bosses, too. Just because they are your boss or director, doesn’t mean they have a right to overstep. Yelling at coworkers or speaking inappropriately to them is crossing a boundary. In the past, I had someone who actually was not a boss, but a music director who said that the music he was directing SUCKED! Mind you, I had written the play for this music and the lyrics, and had gotten an outside composer to compose the music. In other words, I did not go with the normal composer he always used, and he was mad at that. But what he said in music rehearsal was offensive, childish and totally crossed several boundaries.

Your Body is YOUR Body!!

Your personal space and your body. Okay here we go. I just had a friend reveal to me that he feels that a friend did not respect his boundaries by trying to have sex with him. Now, this is territory that should not have to be explained, but still people will try and cross that boundary. And no, I am not talking about rape, but your body and personal space and its boundaries still need to be respected.

For example, I do not allow women to touch my body in places that I consider to be personal. That is a HUGE no no. And they do it because they think they can, because I am gay. And that as a gay man, that will not have an effect on me, so to speak. That still does not give them or anyone else the right to touch me inappropriately. As a matter of fact, there are men that I do not wish to touch me inappropriately!

ASK me, don’t TELL me!

Seriously, one of the things that has always bugged me about some friends is when they make assumptions that I will do something for them. Rather than asking my permission, they just assume. And you know what they say about assuming things: You make an ASS – out of U – and ME! But it’s true. That is a definite huge boundary push for me. One should always ask someone’s permission rather than telling them what they are going to do!!

How do you communicate your boundaries?

Now. How to communicate said boundaries discussed above. This part is truly difficult. Just how do you let someone know that they have crossed a line? Especially if it is a family member or close friends or even your significant other.

I am curious to hear your responses in the comment section below.

But I have found the best way to handle it is to pull that person to the side and gently explain to them how you feel. Arguing about it (which is what I’ve done in the past) is definitely not the best way to handle things. And if you feel you can’t directly tell that person, try a mediator – someone who can act as a go between, particulary if it is a work situation.

In summation, I wish to add that I, too, have to be mindful of respecting others’ boundaries. I have to remember to not ask nosy questions. I am and have always butted into other people’s business by asking said nosy questions. But I have since realized that perhaps I am being intrusive and annoying. If someone wants to confide in me or tell me something, they will. I don’t even ask friends personal questions anymore unless I feel it is okay to do so.

So, set your personal boundaries with regard to your time. Your body. Your money, etc.

And if people won’t respect your boundaries, tell them to STAND BACK!!!

That’s it for now, my friends. Hang in there! Keep your chin up, and hold your heads high! You’ve got this!!!!

FYI I am now an Amazon affiliate! Please click on the link below for some cool products. Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back for more fun in Bent Mindland!!! I am hoping you are all well!

So, when I say the word “gaslight” or “gaslighting,” what do you think of? Do you think of someone trying to drive you crazy? Do you think of the movie of the same name?

Or do you think of someone lighting someone or something on fire?? Well, if you guessed any of the above answers, you would be correct.

However, I am speaking of the type of gaslighting where someone makes you doubt your sanity. According to Webster’s Dictionary, gaslighting is “to attempt to make someone believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation) or a term often used by mental health professionals, to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.”

And yes, the term gaslighting comes from the above 1940 movie of the same name, which is quite brilliant. In the movie, the husband (Anton Walbrook) is slowly but surely driving his wife (Diana Wynyard) insane. (And there is the 1944 remake starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman!) More trivia: Before either of the movies, it was a 1938 play written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton, entitled “Gas Light.”

Gaslighting, though, may not in all cases be intentional or as insidious as outlined in the movies or the play. However, it is still manipulative!!!! In my opinion, it is designed to make you believe you are less than or it is YOUR fault in certain situations and that the gaslighter takes NO RESPONSIBILITIES whatsoever for THEIR actions. I like to think of it as they think they are right and you are WRONG!

I also say that gaslighting will make you doubt more than just your sanity, but who you are.

Again, there are numerous ways to gaslight someone without intentionally trying to bring them to the brink of insanity. However, gaslighting is still a form of abuse. I should know. Examples:

1. Making someone doubt they said something when they actually did.
2. Discounting someone’s feelings.
3. Accusing someone of being too dramatic or too sensitive.
4. Trivializing how someone feels.

Just take a look at the chart below:

How many of you have been there? God knows I have. And as Blanche Devereaux would say, many, MANY times!!! Too many to count.

It started with my family. Yes, I have described them in previous posts. See below:

Am I Actually Suffering from Complex PTSD? – PART 1

But it was also done to me by so-called friends and yes, even boyfriends.

Oh and DEFINITELY bosses and coworkers.

Here are some of the labels directed towards me. See the chart above AND below!!!

1. Derek, you are SO dramatic.
2. Derek, you are defensive.
3. Derek, you are making things up.
4. Derek, you’re a liar.
5. Derek, I was only kidding.
6. Derek, you imagined things differently than I did (said my abusers). It did not happen that way or it didn’t happen at all. You imagined it.
7. Derek, you’re LOUD!

I am not a saint, and I would NEVER pretend to be. I have done and said things that would make Mother Theresa hang her head in shame. But I am not making up the things that have happened to me or that were said to me. And I am not trying to play a victim or get sympathy. That is the furthest thing from my mind. However, these things happened, and I am sure they have happened and/or are happening to some of you NOW! Don’t. Stand. For. It! Walk away if you can! Put a stop to it. Call them out on it!

In summation, LOVE who YOU are!! Know that you are not imagining things. And again, don’t stand from this type of abuse from ANYONE!!! Not from your job, work, bosses, coworkers, friends, lovers, or family!!! You are NOT imagining things!!

And please tell me your experiences in the comment section below.

And of course, be mentally well!!!

P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate!!! Please check out the following book!

“Toxic thoughts, depression, anxiety–our mental mess is frequently aggravated by a chaotic world and sustained by an inability to manage our runaway thoughts. But we shouldn’t settle into this mental mess as if it’s just our new normal. There’s hope and help available to us–and the road to healthier thoughts and peak happiness may actually be shorter than you think.”

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back my friends and fellow mind benders!

This is probably going to be my shortest blog post. So, enjoy it while you can! Ha!

It has been said many, MANY times before – ye olde phrase – “you are not alone.” And hearing it, you probably want to vomit. So, why am I saying it? Because it is true: You are NOT alone.

So, why am I doing this topic on such a corny saying??? Because it is soooooo easy to get lost in this BS known as life, wandering around aimlessly on that hamster wheel, repeatedly doing your thing: Going to work, going to the gym, being in a relationship, making sure the bills are paid and your family is fed. Trying to be this, trying to be that, trying to do this, trying to do that, trying to be anything but fly. (okay that last bit is from a song. Oh never mind LOLOL)

But in going through life trying to do all the things you are “supposed” to be doing, it is very easy to get lost. Or stuck. Or feel hopeless. Or drained. Or that you don’t matter.

You DO matter!

And you are NOT alone!

You are not alone on that damn hamster wheel of life!

You are not alone in your struggles with mental illness.

You are not alone in your struggles with depression.

You are not alone in feeling as if you don’t matter.

You are not alone in feeling that people are letting you down.

You are not alone in your battles with weight or finances or struggling to continue during this pandemic that is STILL GOING ON!

You are not alone if you are thinking of ending it all.

You. Are. Not. Alone!!

Chances are if you are going through something or feeling a certain way, others are, too. And I cry fowl on people who claim that everything is okay, hunky dory, so wonderful,
Atlanta peachy keen. Yuck! I mean, the social media pics say so, right?? Bull. Shit.

And if you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, please, please, PLEASE reach out to ME! No, I am not a doctor or a therapist or medical professional as my disclaimer proclaims, BUT I am actually a very good listener. I won’t give advice unless you want me to LOL.

The comment section is always free and open. I will even share my email address with you if you don’t wish to utilize the comment section. Just ask.

Or if not me, reach out to SOMEONE!

And as the song suggests and as I have said myself, PLENTY OF TIMES, come to my aid.

In summation, I get it. I am struggling. We are all probably struggling in some way. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Fight it!! Talk it out! Scream it out!! Sing it out!! SHOUT IT OUT!!!

Let someone know that you just can ‘t deal. And as I’ve said before, this ONGOING pandemic ain’t helping things. This extra stress of dealing with a potentially deadly virus and very stupid, disagreeable people who either don’t believe that there is a virus or who don’t believe in the vaccine or in wearing masks, all of this can really wear you down.

I am here for you. I really am, because I know what it is like to feel alone and to BE alone. But again, you are not alone, my fellow bent minds.

As always, please be mentally well and safe!!!

P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate! And I feel that since there are a LOT of Star Wars fans out there, this is a pretty relevant video – a new hope. Because I still feel hope even in the darkest of circumstances. Enjoy!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, my dearest Mind Benders!

Today I am going to address something that has been truly weighing on my mind – no pun intended. And that is returning to work during this pandemic. Oy!

My own personal work-from-home history

Let me start with my own work-from-home history.

I have been working from home off and on for over 20 years. Yes, I discovered the joy of working from home wayyyyyy back in 1999 when I began studying to become a medical transcriptionist. When I was told that I could do this from the comfort of my own home and in my pajamas if I wanted (or less LOLOLOL), I was like THIS is the job for me. After going full-time to school for about a year and then dropping out for a while, I finally graduated in 2003. By that time, though, I had already begun working from home doing medical transcription.

That transitioned into simple, nonmedical transcription. And eventually I was working full-time from home, which lasted for about five years! Then later on down the road I did it again for two years!

It was an off and on thing for me, because I ended up taking other jobs outside my home, acting jobs mostly. But I LOVED the idea of working from home where I could start work whenever I wanted, finish whenever I wanted, with no one looking over my shoulder. The refrigerator was right there and, again, I could wear whatever the hell I wanted! No dressing up! Heck, I could even work to music and/or the TV!!!

I began my current outside-the-home job back in late 2017. Then the pandemic hit, and for a lot of lucky devils, including myself, we were fortunate enough to be able to transition to working remotely or from home. (I guess we weren’t essential enough LOL) And that was such a GODSEND!

But in coming back we are asking ourselves some questions:

You mean I can do this from home? And I could have all along??

Why haven’t we been doing this before?

What is the point of even going into an office to work anymore????

What We Have Returned To

We have returned to packing a lunch and/or finding something to bring to work to eat or snack on during the day. And where I work, we are strongly prohibited from using the refrigerator and microwave due to COVID. So, even with returning to work, there are new challenges we have never encountered before. And of course, the biggest is wearing a MASK ALL DAY!! UGH! Side note: Yes, I am fully vaccinated, and I do believe in wearing my mask. But all day????????

We have returned to wearing CLOTHES!!!!! And clothes that hopefully fit!! (I definitely gained during this pandemic!!!)

We have returned to heavy traffic!!!

And I swear to God when I leave my house now to go to work, I feel like I am packing for an overnight trip! THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Not Having to be Around People and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!!!

Working from home is definitely great for stay-at-home moms. But it is also great for people who don’t wish to be around a lot of people. I’m one of THOSE people LOL Let’s face it, the pandemic has made us rethink a lot of things, as it should. And one of them is working and the ability to actually do our jobs from home.

Heck, even teachers had to adjust to working from home and doing their extremely important jobs on Zoom. (And let’s not forget the potential danger of teachers and students returning to the classroom with COVID still out there, this Delta Variant, and unvaccinated people!!! There is DEFINITE anxiety there!!!)

Speaking of Zoom, Zoom has become our friend. Mine anyway. It was quite an adjustment for a lot of us, but I would gather we adapted rather quickly. I know I did. And on my job, which is working in the medical field, it was very much an adjustment with going into private breakout rooms and learning how to share documents via share screen and sharing sound, speaking to others in the room, making sure you are muted and screen blanked/video stopped when appropriate, etc. Eventually, I was able to become Zoom host where I set up the breakout rooms and was able to broadcast messages! So, yeah. I love me some Zoom, baby!!!

However, I also know that there are those individuals who NEED to be around others. And for mental health reasons, i.e. not to feel isolated as we have during the pandemic. But I am not one of those people LOL! But I digress. It is understandable that this work thing that has been around wayyyyyy too long mostly involves working with and around other people. That is what we have been socialized to expect in our worklife, working with others. Gee, I guess it started in that other thing called school. 🙂

And now for many work-from-home people going back into the office or wherever, it is quite difficult to get us out of the house.

This is why it has become very difficult for me to return to the actual space where I work. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my job and the people I work with. But I also LOVE working from home.

I am also VERY grateful to have a job! Because so many people lost theirs during this unfortunate time that we are STILL going through. But I also realized hmmmm I miss this working remote thingy.

But times have definitely changed. We realize that we no longer need to go into an office or wherever to work. We can do it from the comfort of our homes. And yes, in our pajamas or in the – whatever.

And I am not surprised that people feel a bit depressed over returning. Again, the struggle is REAL!! And please take care of YOU!!!

That is it for today. And I look forward to discussing this further as we go along.

Until then, please be mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, bent minders!

In my very last blog post, I tackled complex PTSD or c-PTSD (complex posttraumatic disorder). I talked about what it is and some of the symptoms. I even delved into my story. See link to last blog post below:

Am I Actually Suffering from Complex PTSD? – PART 1

Now on with the rest of the show.

So, some of the behaviors or symptoms resulting from c-PTSD are depersonalization, derealization, and dissociation. At this point, I am going to dive into something EXTREMELY personal about me. For many years, I called myself different names. I oftentimes felt that I was not a part of myself or that I was not myself. I did a lot of acting out back in those days, starting in 1989, which is the year I came out.

According to what I’ve read thus far, dissociation is when you feel disconnected from yourself, your own body, and the world around you. And there are numerous ways one can dissociate:

1. Travelling to a new location and taking on a new identity (dissociative fugue).
2. Having difficulty remembering your personal information (dissociative amnesia).
3. Looking at yourself from the outside (depersonalization).
4. Experiencing life as if the world around you is not real (derealization).
5. Feeling your identity shift and change (identity alteration).
6. Having difficulty defining the kind of person you are (identity confusion).

Now, let me connect the dots from the previous post on this subject and the dissociation part. Remember when I told you how I learned from my grandmother that my grandfather had cheated on her and sired two other children? Well, that was in 1987. And that is when I left that cult, and I started drinking and partying. That was a two-year culmination leading up to me finally acknowledging my true sexual identity as being gay and coming out in 1989. It was quite a ride wild. And not the easiest, but rather quite bumpy indeed.

And make no mistake about it, I dissociated starting in 1989. I personally think it was because of all the horror I had endured during childhood up to this point. And coming out was just a springboard, a catalyst. Not to mention the fact that I was still dealing with the religious garbage of saying it was not okay to be gay, that I was an abomination. But just like the Eurythmics’ song says “I Did It Just The Same.” Ha!

So, according to the list above, I suffered from “identity alteration.” (Not to be confused with DID or dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as split or multiple personality). Starting in 1989, I began calling myself other names and going by different personas. Although I was not suffering from true DID and blacking out and having memory loss, I would experience a near blackout as if the room was spinning slightly.

Let’s do a breakdown of the other names/personas I adopted during this time and their characteristics:

Daryl Lord

I considered this person to be the part of myself that was the loud partyer, the drinker, the life of the party. He was very brash and obnoxious and normally talked with a New Jersey accent. He was sort of patterned after actress Erika Slezak’s Niki Smith from “One Life to Live,” except she wore a red wig. Daryl did not wear a red wig, but instead wore a sleeveless cutout, black denim jacket and tight blue jeans and cowboy boots, but not always. When I look back on it, I think he was the part of me that rebelled against all that religion that had been shoved down my throat all my life, and particularly my first two years in college.

Oh God, he was horrible. So, loud and brash and bold. He was able to do and say the things I couldn’t.

Nick Montraire

He was the promiscous personality. Okay. You can say it. He was the slut. He was always at the gay bars picking up strange men. It wasn’t that he dressed differently than me. He was just trashier in a sexy sense, more open with his sexuality. He went off with all sorts of men and yes, he called himself Nick. And that is how the other men knew him/me.

Guillaume Radcliffe (William Ratliff)

This guy was the snooty more studious side of me. He spoke with a British accent, but with a French name LOL. He was ALL business. Very, very smart and highly intelligent. He did not care about sex or partying. Guillaume wanted to see me succeed. He was EXTREMELY ambitious, and he did not like my friends at all.

“Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.” (ME!!!)

I look at it as detaching from reality, detaching from whatever it is I couldn’t face.

Over time, it grew worse, because I would dissociate whenever I felt under stress or there was something I felt I could not handle as Derek. But that one of the others could. As a matter of fact over time, I splintered into more than just Daryl, Nick and Guillaume. After I moved to Atlanta and over time, there were as many as 13 other me’s!!!!

And needless to say, I met others just like me. They shall remain nameless. But there were others who had alternate identities. So, I wasn’t alone. Ha ha!

In summation and to make it abundantly clear, my identity alteration was my way of coping with years and years of mental abuse – the c-PTSD. It’s like Derek died and these “monsters” took over my life. Fortunately, I do not feel a need to do that anymore. As a matter of fact, I think the last time I truly succumbed to my “illness” was back in 2002 over an extremely stressful period in my life.

Believe me, there will be more to the story as we go along. But for now, I want all of you to be mentally well!

Sources:

Complex PTSD and Dissociation: Understanding Detachment and the Healing Process