Category: mental health and well-being

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I cannot believe that it has been 52 years since the Stonewall Riots happened. Now. I am sure many of you know about Stonewall or what it is and what it represents pertaining to the gay community on the eve of Gay Pride. If not, here is a brief history lesson:

Way back in the day starting in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, (I was only two years of age then, and clearly had no idea of what a Stonewall was), Stonewall Inn, which was then located in New York City on Christopher Street, was the site of riots, which led to the gay movement, which led to all of those Gay Pride parades that so many conservative Christians LOVE to try and infiltrate, interrupt, and protest. Ha! You see what happened was gay bars were subject to raids back then by the police – big surprise. But on that night/early morning of June 28, 1969, the gay community had had enough. And they pushed back. Hard. Fights broke out when the police arrived. Confrontations occurred within the bar, as well as outside on the street. The police arrested about 13 people, one being a lesbian who allegedly said to fight back. So, the already pissed-off crowd did just that, throwing all sorts of objects at the police. The pushback was so fierce that the police ended up barricading themselves inside the bar with some of the prisoners they had arrested. Some of the patrons outside, which by now included part of the neighborhood, set the bar on fire!! Fortunately, the police and prisoners were able to escape.

The fighting lasted for several days. But this led to what some call the beginning of the Gay Liberation Movement. The following year, on June 28, 1970, was the very first Gay Pride parade, which has continued to this day across the entire country and even around the world. At the publishing of this post, this weekend will celebrate 52 years of “freedom” for the LGBTQ community.

Marsha! Marsha! MARSHA!!!

And depending on whom you ask there is one name, in particular, that is given credit for the uprising on June 28, 1969. And that is Marsha P. Johnson, a fierce black drag queen, who was born Malcom Michaels, Jr. Some of the accounts seem to tell a different version of what happened that night and how Marsha was involved, but it is no doubt that her name has become synonomous with the Gay Liberation Movement.

“Johnson has been named, along with Zazu Nova and Jackie Hormona, by a number of the Stonewall veterans interviewed by David Carter in his book, Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution, as being “three individuals known to have been in the vanguard” of the pushback against the police at the uprising. Johnson denied starting the uprising. In 1987, Johnson recalled arriving at around “2:00 [that morning]”, that “the riots had already started” by that time and that the Stonewall building “was on fire” after police set it on fire.^[11] The riots reportedly started at around 1:20 that morning after Stormé DeLarverie fought back against the police officer who attempted to arrest her that night.

Carter writes that Robin Souza had reported that fellow Stonewall veterans and gay activists such as Morty Manford and Marty Robinson had told Souza that on the first night, Johnson “threw a shot glass at a mirror in the torched bar screaming, ‘I got my civil rights'”. Souza told the Gay Activists Alliance shortly afterwards that it “was the shot glass that was heard around the world”. Carter, however, concluded that Robinson had given several different accounts of the night and in none of the accounts was Johnson’s name brought up, possibly in fear that if he publicly credited the uprising to Johnson, then Johnson’s well-known mental state and gender nonconforming, “could have been used effectively by the movement’s opponents”. The alleged “shot glass” incident has also been heavily disputed. Prior to Carter’s book, it was claimed Johnson had “thrown a brick” at a police officer, an account that was never verified. Johnson also confirmed not being present at the Stonewall Inn when the rioting broke out, but instead had heard about it and went to get Sylvia Rivera who was at a park uptown sleeping on a bench to tell her about it. However, many have corroborated that on the second night, Johnson climbed up a lamppost and dropped a bag with a brick in it down on a police car, shattering the windshield.”

And as we approach the 52nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, I am wondering what would have happened if Stonewall HADN’T occurred. Where would we, as an LGBTQ community, be today? Would the riots have eventually happened? Would they have happened elsewhere? Would police raids STILL continue?? Well, Atlanta sure saw one several years ago when the Atlanta Eagle was raided by police, which resulted in several lawsuits! THIS is why we do what we do!!

So, this is why Stonewall means a lot to me. I am touched by the fact that our community fought back instead of sitting on their behinds and taking the abuse straight society has perpetuated on us for EONS. We don’t want to fight you; we just want to be your equals. I know to some the parades are nothing but fluff, an opportunity to get drunk or naked or participate in debauchery, or whatever that means for you. However, there is always a deeper meaning, and I don’t want our community to ever lose sight of that meaning. And that is the freedom to simply be who we really are without fear, without judgment, without hatred. And as much as I hate to say this, when it comes to thanking the military for my freedom, I don’t. I thank those wonderful people who led the way back in 1969, as well as the brave abolitionists and slaves who also had had enough!!!

And I don’t think we should ever take for granted how far we have come ( marriage equality, etc.). We most certainly still have much farther to go. However, if it weren’t for the Marsha P. Johnsons and others on the night/early morning of June 28, 1969, we would still, no doubt, be harrassed by the police and others without any consequences.

If you are wondering what does this have to do with mental health, PLENTY!! I cannot stress enough that it is very unhealthy and toxic to live in a world that caters to a majority, where there is no equality or a place for you at the table. So, in summation, however you celebrate Pride this weekend, remember to say a THANK YOU TO THE STONEWALL INN PATRONS for having the courage to risk their lives so that people like you and me can be free to be ourselves! HAPPY GAY PRIDE!!! (And old, straight white men who are out of touch can just get over it!) ☺

Sources: https://www.history.com/topics/gay-rights/the-stonewall-riots

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsha_P._Johnson

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, my dear friends!

Today’s topic pertains to Gay Pride – or simply Pride – and the microaggressions that my people face.

Now, I do not intend for this blog to be a finger pointer or a rant. But just some things for our straight allies to understand. So, you will have to forgive my tone. If it comes across as angry or “salty,” well, so be it. We’ll all survive. After all, the LGBTQ community have survived certain comments for eons.

I was inspired by the article by Huffpost entitled “14 Microaggressions LGBTQ People deal with All the Time.” I have included the link below. But you know I had to include my own personal microaggressions. And please do not be offended; it is what it is.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/microaggressions-lgbtq-people-deal-with_l_60c12080e4b059c73bd556e2

But first, what is a microaggression? According to Webster’s Dictionary, it is defined as “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).” Or in this case, the LGBTQ community.

Though intended to be funny or as a joke in some instances, these microaggressions are actually ignorant, hurtful, and downright stupid. And yes, they take a toll on your mental wellbeing in having to either explain yourself over and over and OVER again. Or just simply having to hear them, making you feel less than or that you are not a real, worthy, or equal person (to your hetero counterparts).

There may be a crisscross between the Huffington Post list and mine, by the way. They listed 14, and I am listing 14. (But there are MANY others!!) So, here we go:

1. Your “LIFESTYLE.” What the heck??? WHAT lifestyle? Is this The Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous with Robin Leach??? Because that is what I think of whenever a straight person says this, like we are talking lots of money or fancy houses and vacations. It is totally ignorant and ridiculous. Is there a HETEROSEXUAL lifestyle? By all means, let me know. And it seems to be the go-to term to describe the LGBTQ community. However, I NEVER hear it when referring to straight people. It is rather tired and annoying.
2. From the conservative Christians or Christians period: “I love you. Just not your LIFESTYLE.” Again, what lifestyle? And do you know how condescending this is? As if anyone cares whether or not you LOVE us. All we ask is that you do not be condescending or cruel to us or, heaven forbid, hurt us. This implies that you are better than us, and that we should be pitied. You don’t have to “love us.” Just accept us for who we are, and that we most certainly aren’t going anywhere. Oh. And you don’t have to tolerate us either, which brings me to the next one.
3. I tolerate your LIFESTYLE or people like you. What are we? Annoying children that must be tolerated? Or perhaps we are your in-laws that must be “tolerated” whenever they come to dinner or come to visit. You have to put up with us?? Well, we’re not the majority. You are. So, who needs to tolerate whom???? Again, VERY condescending.
4. The gay bars. Here we go: Now, I remember inviting my straight female friends to go with me to the bars wayyyyy back when I first came out. I had one who flat out refused, because she “didn’t want to be seen in such a place.” Hey, that’s cool. Whatever. Over the years, I have certainly had my straight female friends, and even straight male friends, come with. Again, really cool. However, what I have seen over the past decade or so is that it appears to be a “straight invasion” into the queer bars. For God sakes’ WHY? It is nice to have visitors, but damn! You’ve taken over!!! Some people, especially the women, act as if they OWN the joint! I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed straight women, particularly, coming in and trying to take over! They are loud, rude, and very, very obnoxious! And even “handsy,” if you know what I mean. Keep your bloody hands to yourself! And whenever a great song comes on and I am dancing or another gay man is dancing alone, why do they feel a need to join you without asking for permission? Very annoying. Look at it this way, when you are in your own bars and a straight man comes up and starts dancing with you that you don’t know, how does that make YOU feel? And especially if he starts touching you. Same thing in a gay bar. And heck, there are gay men that I don’t like touching me. So, why would I want a woman to touch me? And please find another venue for your bachelorette parties! I understand you feel comfortable in a gay bar. But you are starting to make us feel UNCOMFORTABLE. Oh and for the record, I am not saying stay out. I am saying BE RESPECTFUL!!! So, don’t even begin to think this is misogny. We gay men LOVE our hetero female counterparts. Heck, we ARE you in a lot of ways. But how would you like it if we started coming into your bars and coming onto and being overly friendly with your husbands and boyfriends??? I’ll wait …
5. Is that your preference? YES! My God!! Is being straight yours???? Why are straight people not asked these insipid questions???? LOL
6. One that I am surprised has come up recently is “How do you know you’re ‘that way’ if you haven’t tried it?” Meaning being with a man/woman if you’re gay. Well, trust me you know!!! How do you know you’re heterosexual if you’ve never been with your same sex?
7. Speaking of “that way,” what does that mean to say that someone is “that way?” Which way? Is this a direction? Are we going someplace??
8. “You’re gay, so you are not a ‘real man’ or a ‘real woman.'” Hmmm okay, so define what a “real man or woman” is. I’ll wait. So, it is just based on biology or science or whether or not you can procreate or desire to or desire to be with the opposite sex?? Believe you me, I know PLENTY of LGBTQ peeps who are more of a “real man or woman” than a lot of heterosexual people I know, because of the fact that they are simply brave enough to be THEMSELVES by facing scorn, ridicule, danger or even death.
9. “Why would you want to be that way when there are soooooo many women/men out there?” Again, why would you want to be “that way” when there are sooooo many of your same sex out there to choose from? And I guess here is where I have to say it: YOU ARE BORN THAT WAY!!
10. And that brings us to “You weren’t born that way. God didn’t intend for you to be ‘that way’!” Seems like “that way” comes up a lot, huh? For as long as I can remember, I felt different. Very different. All the other boys around me were looking at the girls, talking about them in a suggestive manner. And I NEVER felt that energy. I was looking at them, the boys instead! LOL So, yes, I was born “that way.”
11. “The right man/woman can CHANGE you!” Um no. They cannot. A woman would not be able to change me from gay to straight. She doesn’t have the right – um – stuff LOL Not to mention there is ZERO attraction there. Yes, I think there are sooooo many beautiful women out there, but that is as far as it goes, acknowledging they are pretty or beautiful. But I do not wish to have sex with or be with any of them.
12. “I never knew you were gay. You don’t act it.” Or even the opposite. There are sooooo many effeminate-acting men out there who claim they are NOT gay. And I have met many of them, and I don’t think they are. And just for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with “acting gay” or if you’re a lesbian “acting butch.”
13. Making assumptions about gay people that are quite frankly stereotypical. In other words, lesbians must LOVE sports or look or act a certain way, and are handy with tools. While gay men LOVE musicals, love fashion, love to shop, and have great fashion sense, oh and can interior decorate like nobody’s business. Just dumb, dumb, DUMB! We all like different things! And can do different things. So, that means that straight women can’t be handy with tools or love sports and not have any fashion sense? And believe me, I know plenty of gay men who LOVE sports! I have never liked them, but there are gay men out there who do. And I can’t stand musicals, and I definitely am not a slave to fashion. As a matter of fact, in the spring and summertime, I prefer a T-shirt, shorts, and flipflops wherever I go!!
14. No homo by the “bruthas” when they hug you. Ugh!!! So, this implies that gay men find EVERY straight man attractive. And that is definitely a big NO!!! And again, very condescending to make the assumption that even from a simple hug, that we would even want you. Please do NOT flatter yourself. So, every time you hug a straight female, does that mean you want her or vice versa??? Just curious ….

Well, those were 14 of my personal microaggressions. What are yours? I definitely want to know and how it has affected you personally. Leave me a comment below!

And in the meantime, please be mentally well! And again, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hola, my fellow bent minders! Welcome to another round of get me through my mental illness!

Today, I would like to talk about facing social anxiety, especially as it pertains to the pandemic.

First of all, what is social anxiety? WebMD describes social anxiety as a common mental health disorder where a person feels extremely uncomfortable and nervous in social situations. A person suffering from this condition may have a fear they are being judged or watched by others. You may have physical symptoms, such as a fast heartbeat, sweating, dizziness, an inability to catch your breath or even stomach ailments, including diarrhea. That last one affected me whenever I felt anxious. TMI.

This disorder is certainly common in social situations, such as work, parties, gatherings, perhaps even going to the grocery store. It can even be present when trying to meet people or when dating.

Now. Let’s break it down as it relates to before, during and “after” the pandemic.

Before

I can tell you that I suffered from social anxiety in the past wayyyyyy before any pandemic. I know. Hard to believe, right? But it is true. It was when I was much younger, actually when I was in school. I really felt very awkward as a child/teenager and even a bit beyond. However, the older I got, the less it became prevalent, particularly as I got into acting.

According to the WebMD source/link, “social anxiety disorder usually comes on at around 13 years of age. It can be linked to a history of abuse, bullying, or teasing. Shy kids are also more likely to become socially anxious adults, as are children with overbearing or controlling parents. If you develop a health condition that draws attention to your appearance or voice, that could trigger social anxiety, too.”

I can certainly testify to the bullying part. When I look back on it, the bullying made me shut down and not speak up at times. There were MANY times when some of my classmates in the earlier grades made me cry over something I said or did. And over time, that made me feel VERY socially awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. And again, there were times that I was hesitant to speak up. But boy, you can’t shut me up now LOL

During

It is obvious that we were in a state of panic during the pandemic. Will I get it? How long will this go on? Are we going to die? Perhaps the social anxiety was not as bad for people who normally suffer from it, because suddenly we were isolated. I don’t know. I would imagine for those of us who really aren’t big fans of being around a lot of people, it was actually a relief. For me, it was great! I felt like it was a nice change of pace and a break to not have to be around people as much as before the pandemic. But then for others, I can imagine it may have been lonely.

After (well, not really)

As we “near” the end of the pandemic, I am wondering if the anxiety is still there for a lot of us. I suppose we feel safer now that there are vaccines, and a lot of us have gotten ours. Having been to a couple of vaxxed-only parties, I do feel safer. I think we still have much further to go, though. And obviously this thing isn’t over. But the point is, now that a great many of us are fully vaccinated, we are starting to get back into the swing of real life, even if we are still wearing our masks. But is the anxiety still there?

For example, I just started going back into work after spending over a year working from home. And it liked to have killed me LOL! It was just strange suddenly being around people again. To be honest, I wasn’t that thrilled to be around people face-to-face. I didn’t feel ready. I felt very drained and exhausted by the time I got home, I mean more so than normal. I know for a fact that others are VERY happy to be back at work or school or to simply be around people again. I’m not. I love being by myself! I absolutely love it!

I think now I just don’t want to be around people as much as I used to, and from what I’ve heard from others, it is an age thing. The older one gets, the more comfortable you are just being alone and doing your own thing.

And it occurs to me that part of the anxiety for some may be the thought that you could STILL contract the disease. That makes total sense. After being careful, safe and isolated all this time, and now suddenly things are a bit more relaxed, people are returning to work and school, the thought of getting it would certainly make someone VERY anxious.

But social anxiety is nothing to be ignored. I have included some sources below from medical professionals on the subject. And yes, one of them is WebMD LOL I mean, you know what they say about checking symptoms online, you feel that you get that disease. BUT please do not be afraid. Just see if maybe you have some of the symptoms.

https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder

And as I always say, there is no shame in our mental-imbalanced game. Help is just a click away. Check out the online therapy offered below.

https://www.online-therapy.com/?ref=234176

In the meantime, I want all of you to be mentally well. So, until the next time!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Derek’s additional disclaimer: Some of the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. ☺

Welcome back, my fellow bent minders! And HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! And to start Pride month off, let me tell you how I began my gay career. Ha!

Unrequited love. Le sigh. I have been there. Too many times to count. Being in love with or obsessed with or infatuated with someone who cannot or will not return my feelings. Or he is just not available, whether he is straight or married or partnered or in another city or state or even country. Or planet. And quite honestly I’m sick of it.

My little story goes wayyyy back to 1989 in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I was 22 years old at the time. So PICTURE IT! LOL I began working in the bakery section at a gift shop and gourmet food place known as Southern Hospitality. It may have been my first day there, but I saw this man – short, muscular, dark-haired and moustached (definitely my type) – walking around wearing an apron. He worked in the coffee section of the store. I thought he was Puerto Rican or Mexican perhaps. Turns out he wasn’t. But his name was Paul Gilbert Lassiter. He was 36 years old at the time. What can I say, I like ’em older! And over the course of the next several months, I became absolutely obsessed with this man!

I began talking to him and spending as much time in the coffee section with him as much as I possibly could. It didn’t take long for me to realize that he was gay!!! And this was as I was already coming out, because earlier that summer I had been to my first gay bar, the Power Company, in Durham. Well, he started talking about The Power Company and Boxers and Capital Corral in Raleigh. So, I tried going to all of those places in hopes of running into him.

To cut to the chase, my infatuation culminated Halloween weekend of 1989. The Power Company had a Halloween bash of sorts. Paul said that he was going to be there in costume as some sort of weird bird. So, of course I went, too. I spent the earlier part of the evening with close friends on Franklin Street. I was dressed as a white man, which morphed into James Brown or somebody. I had a brown wig and was wearing my father’s old leather coat from the 70s. It was all very strange.

Anyway, after I hung out with my pals, I took to The Power Company, because of course I HAD to be with Paul. Well, he was there dressed in that weird bird costume. Or whatever the hell he was supposed to be. We danced and hung out. He introduced me to poppers. And we literally danced the night away.

Then the end of the evening approached and as was customary, Power Company played something slow to indicate they were closing. Paul and I melted into a slow dance together. I was in heaven. We danced for a few minutes, but then he suddenly pulled away. The bar was indeed closing. So, we walked outside to the parking lot to his tan Subaru, actually. We stood there talking for a while. That is when I asked him to kiss me. He smiled, but he refused. He said that he saw us as friends FOREVER, sitting in rocking chairs – or some nonsense. I told him how I felt about him. He said that he didn’t feel the same way. But then he leaned in and he kissed me (tongue and all LOL) for what seemed like an eternity!!!!! And then it was over. He said that he would see me at work later that day. He got in his car and left, and I walked up to my car on the parking deck in TEARS!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was a mess. When I got home, I just simply collapsed on the floor of my bathroom, a wreck. When I woke up the next morning, I remembered that I had to be at work! God, that meant I had to see him. I quickly showered and dressed and drove like a bat out of hell to work. When I got there, I realized that I missed a time change. I was an hour early!!! LOL Well, at least it was an hour early and not an hour late, as one VERY annoying coworker pointed out.

But yes, I did see Paul. And I apologized to him for making a fool of myself. He said no apology was needed. Later on in this particular storyline, I did invite him over to my place to hang out, which he did. And I still chased after him. That is until he was replaced by another man I chased after. But that’s another story.

Apparently, this became a pattern for me over the next several decades. I just recently realized at 54 that it is time to stop and let it all go. As they say there is nothing like an old fool. But going within and seeing my patterns and asking myself all the important questions of why I do this. Is it because my parents “gave me away,” which is how I looked at it for years (which is another story)? But my mental wellbeing comes first, and all of the chasing after Paul and other men did me no good. After all, the ones I chased, I did NOT end up with. All I did was bring myself down further and further into a cesspool of low self-esteem and yes, mental illness. Because you see, there is more to the Paul story, but I will delve into that at another time.

In summation, after FINALLY realizing that the best way to break free from this unrequited love BS was to focus on ME. To love ME. I know it is so cliché. We have all heard it a million times – love yourself, focus on other things blah, blah, blah. But it is even more than that. I have found that it is a true and deep going within and breaking off that part of yourself that does those clingy things. To stand up for YOU. And believe me, that isn’t easy.

More to come, because this story is FAR from ovah. So, in the meantime, be well!

And again, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Sissy!

Faggot!

Punk!

Were just a few of the names that I was called growing up in Wadesboro, North Carolina. These awful names hurt me. A lot. I was mocked and ridiculed by not only classmates and some of the neighborhood kids, but also in some cases teachers and other adults. And I didn’t know what I did to deserve it. Apparently, I acted like a “girl” when I was a child, which APPARENTLY warranted such abuse. But it wasn’t just the words that hurt. It was the attitude of society, of the entire planet that may have hurt the most.

Trying to hide my identity was so mentally draining. I did everything I could to not let my secret be exposed – or rather – to try and prove everyone wrong, that I was NOT a sissy, faggot, punk! I didn’t do it by dating girls, though I did take one to my senior prom. One thing I felt that I could do was pretend to like sports. So, I feigned an interest so that my then-best friend, who was really into sports, surely didn’t believe that I was queer. I never liked sports. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I did like wrestling, because of the men in their tight trunks LOL I did develop a taste for basketball, mostly college basketball such as the UNC Chapel Hill team and I, of course, later attended and graduated from UNC!

But in secret, I would put a towel on my head and pretend to be a girl. I put on my aunt’s makeup and bra and heels and would parade around the house that way when no one was home. I worked the runway, honey, before it was a thing! But ahhhh the towel on my head thing. Let’s go back even further.

It started when I was very little. I don’t remember the exact age, but I would guess I was probably 6 years old. What I would do is I would put a large bath towel on my head as my long hair and parade around the house and say “I’m a girl! Girl! Girl!” LOL I did this for YEARS! Well, at least for the first couple of years out in the open. I would even do it outdoors and walk around that way, and I didn’t care who saw me!!!! Heck, my aunt would even sometimes fashion the towel into a ponytail. I thought I was hot!! LOL But the years went by, and I believe I was around 10 at the height of “The Bionic Woman,” (and yes, I definitely put my towel/wig on and pretended to be Jaime) but around this time, my grandmother and my aunt both started yelling at me to “take that mess off your head!” I felt hurt and crushed. So, I did what they asked. And that is when I started doing it in secret all the way through high school!!

When I look back on it, I wonder if they hadn’t stopped me and encouraged me instead, if I would have become a drag queen or female impersonator. Or maybe transgender.

Religion/Christianity

You’re going to burn in hell if you’re gay!

Mankind shall not lie with mankind! It is an abomination unto the Lord!

God hates Fags!!!

More damaging rhetoric. And, of course, it comes from religion. And, of course, I have to mention it.

So, I was also an abomination. God didn’t even like me. No he HATED me. Religion didn’t like me. It was constantly talked about in my household how obviously being gay was frowned upon and that God didn’t approve. They had a “little sugar in ’em,” as my family used to say. Or the use of the Fred Sanford (“Sanford and Son”) wave of the hand to indicate someone was “funny” was used quite a lot in my house. All of this talk made me feel as though I was an alien, an outcast, dirty, filthy and disgusting. There was a minister in our church, at the time, who was “funny.” They talked about that man all the time, and good things were not said. They made fun of him. So, I knew that it was not okay to be effeminate. But to be a minister and “that way,” oh boy!

And nothing hasn’t changed in terms of how some “Christians” feel about homosexuality. How many times have I heard from straight Christians “I love YOU. Just not your lifestyle.” Lifestyle????? What is this the “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous?” Is heterosexuality a LIFESTYLE??? Because I have NEVER heard it called that. And do you know how condescending it is to hear someone say that? They love YOU but not your lifestyle, as if being straight is such a superior, wonderful thing to be. Well, straight people have their privilege. The privilege of being able to walk down the street holding hands without receiving any stares. The privilege of having the benefit of the doubt and the assumption that you are straight. The privilege of being able to have and adopt children freely and without question. The privilege for being automatically understood, accepted, loved and never judged just for being straight. And the list goes on and on.

One summer visiting my folks and brother in D.C., I saw this Christian pamphlet on homosexuality and how wrong and abnormal it was and sinful, of course. From what I remember, it told the story of a young boy who was “lured” into homosexuality by an older man in a park. How. Stupid. As if that is how it happens. But it made it seem that that is how homosexuality starts, from a depraved older man preying on boys. That is NOT how it happens!!! And it doesn’t “happen.” Either you are or you aren’t. Yes, you are BORN THAT WAY! There is no horrific event that “makes” or “turns” you gay. Is there a single event that makes or turns you straight? I’ll wait. But reading that pamphlet made me feel even worse about myself. I felt guilty and ashamed. And alone.

And for the Christians reading this who feel the need to pray over me and my “lifestyle,” save the prayers for YOUR ignorance, bigotry, and stupidity. Yeah. I said it.

Toxic Media Images – It’s the Straight way or the HIGHWAY!

Now, let’s talk about the images we, as gay people, see on television, in the media, magazines, and in the movies, etc.

Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Pretty much the end of the story. Boy and girl live happily ever after, and raise their little family. Blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth. Everyone applauds and approves of such a union. Growing up, I never saw boy meets boy. Or girl meets girl. Instead the images and portrayals of gay men were always about us being made fun of, beaten up, or even murdered. No happily ever after. None of that. In other instances, we eventually became the best friend to the heroine. Or the comic relief. We were the hairdressers TO or the confidante OF the female bestie. We NEVER got true love stories or happily ever afters of our own, I suppose, because we were seen as the joke, the clowns, the deviants in our secret homosexual world with our sick and sordid backroom sexual antics that were never spoken of. Only in whispers and stares. But gee. I wonder who put us there. Hmmm …

The Big Secret

Being gay, you’re the big secret. The awful thing that struggles first with your identity, but then after you realize who you really are, you must decide whether to either continue to keep it a secret or to come out to your family and tell them the truth about who you really are. It is VERY stressful, to say the least. And some gays and lesbians cannot deal with all of this and fall into severe depression and even decide to end their lives. Gee, how many straight people end their lives over being … straight? Again, I’ll wait. Cricket. Cricket. It is horrible to think that you don’t feel your life is worth living, because you feel that you cannot be your true, authentic self. And that really hurts and is quite damaging to your self-worth, psyche and mental wellbeing.

Yes, it does take a toll on your mental health. You cannot imagine what it is like having to deal with all of this. And the older you are, I would suspect the more trouble you had coming out. I do feel like things are easier now for the LGBTQ community in terms of coming out and being accepted. Goodness! You have CHILDREN coming out now!!!! But there are hordes and hordes of people out there who will NEVER accept who you are. And people who will forever remain in the closet out of fear. Again, this is very damaging to your mental health and wellbeing.

In summation, growing up gay in a straight world was NOT easy. And yes, it really, REALLY SUCKED!!! The mental and emotional toll it took on me (and countless others) was devastating. This is why I encourage people to be themselves. I am a huge supporter of transgender rights and for people to be called or referred to whatever they wish to be called or referred to. You know, it is not for any of us to try and understand or judge. Just let people be and accept – not tolerate because that implies dealing with something repugnant and/or putting up with something you don’t really care about in the first place – people for who they are. Just embrace and accept people as you would expect them to do for you.

This topic is far from over, by the way. More to come. And don’t forget to leave me a comment below.

In the meantime, peace! And be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back to another wild ride to maintain our sanity!! Woo hoo!

Today, I wish to delve into something that I discovered about life and the choices I/we make in this life. And let’s face it, a lot of our lives revolve around the following:

• Relationships (typically romantic, but of course family and friends).
• Our jobs and careers.
• And any other life situation, like living arrangements or where you live, et al.

But what do you do when you find yourself stuck in this ENDLESS cycle with the same job. The same people. The same relationship. The same tired situation that you have been stuck in for the last several hundred/million years? And worse yet, it hasn’t gone anywhere or improved. More importantly, are you happy in said situation? We have ALL been there.

Relationships

They are EVERYWHERE! People who are married, partnered, dating, together, etc. You cannot escape these people. And they LOOK happy (ESPECIALLY on social media). But sometimes beneath the surface, there is a lot more going on. Maybe one of them is NOT as happy as the other. Maybe they are BOTH unhappy. Maybe there is some sort of abuse going on, whether physical, mental or emotional. Maybe one is a substance abuser. Maybe one works long hours and barely has time for the other. You get the picture. But the question is if you are involved in a dead-end relationship, are you happy? Well. Are you? And if you are unhappy with the situation, why are you staying? Uh oh. Here we go:

• If I leave him/her, I will have no one.
• I will be all alone.
• Well, I’m USED to the _______________ — whatever it is. (You can insert in the blank any of the following: Drinking. Drugs. Loneliness. His/her long work hours. His/her toxic family. The cheating. The condescension. The lack of sex. The mental/emotional/physical abuse).

But why do we settle? Do we not know our worth? I do realize that in any relationship, there is something you are going to have to “put up with,” (let’s hope it is something simple as snoring, which can be annoying, too). But I think if it interferes with YOUR happiness or mental wellbeing (because isn’t this what this is about??), then is it worth it? I am definitely no relationship expert, but I most certainly have had my fair share of them, and I know what I will put up with and what I won’t. And I think it all boils down to self-respect. Or do you just want to be in a relationship to say that you are in a relationship? And I know it is easier said than done to just up and leave or end things. There may be kids or a house in both names, property, etc. But it is also fair to think about where you are headed in said relationship.

Jobs

Picture it Atlanta, sometime in the 21st century. A beautiful and handsome – well to be honest HOT, GBM (gay black male – yes, me bitches!! LOL) works for a company that is “supposed to be fun.” A company where he/I get to display my talents as an actor, playwright, singer, director and musical director. And the first few years WERE fun. It was like being in a dream, especially a certain component of my job which allowed me freedom and mobility in the community. However, over time it became quite clear that there was no leadership, no true direction, and TPTB (the powers that be) did NOT value their employees. It was more CORPORATE driven than ACTOR/ENTERTAINMENT driven. It was supposed to be educational, but there was always a battle as to the best way to make that happen. Eventually, the workload from the “boss” (or one of them, actually, because we had several), the workload transferred from our main boss to the acting team. I am talking the scripts, the directing, the musical direction. All of it. At first, it seemed like a good idea, but it became quite clear who the team players were and who wanted to hog the spotlight for themselves, and who wanted to be in control of EVERYTHING. This particular workplace eventually grew to be one of the most toxic work environments I have EVER encountered. And hell, I thought when I first arrived in Atlanta back in 1993 to teach was bad. Oh girl!!

After seven years of this nonsense, I finally had had enough, especially after another one of my bosses began to judge me on my facial expressions when I came into work, i.e. I didn’t LOOK like I wanted to be there. I DIDN’T! Newsflash: When you do not treat your employees properly, why would they want to even appear to look like they wish to be there? And I’m the type of person who does NOT hide their feelings or facial expressions. Though, I’m an actor, I definitely am not fake.

Anyway, I was not judged on my work performance because when I asked, this person said, and I quote, ‘Well. I haven’t seen you on the floor with the parents and children. So, I don’t know. I’ve just seen you back here.’ (meaning offstage). Insert major eye roll here. So, you are judging me on my FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. NOT my actual WORK PERFORMANCE. Okay. As actors we do our thing in front of the audience, but when we hit backstage we are ourselves. But this was “corporate,” so apparently you had to pretend you like being at work. You know, the fake way a lot of you do. Yeah. I said it. Mind you, I didn’t say not one cross word to any of the “corporate” people ever. I was always cordial. But my face! Oh BROTHER! Such rubbish! (This is exactly why actors HATE working in corporate!!!!!!)

Anyway, I should have sued. But to preserve my mental state and wellbeing, I left. And I have NOT looked back since. I have not even allowed myself to be in a toxic work situation like the one I just described. Where I am currently is the complete OPPOSITE of the nonsense I just described above. We are valued and respected. No fake positive people at all. Everyone is very sincere. So, when I show up for work, I am who I REALLY am. A fun and happy person. Put me in a toxic, negative situation, I am the environment I am in. And that is NOT good for one’s mental state.

But, of course, I can understand the reasons why people would choose to stay in a job, even a very bad one:

• Jobs are hard to find.
• The money is good. So, what if my boss treats me like trash?
• I’m too old to start over.
• I’ve got mouths to feed, including mine.

And the list goes on and on and on.

But ask yourself this question. What is in it for you? What do you get out of being in a toxic situation? Is it money? Sex? Power? Comfort? Ahhhh comfort. Some people REALLY don’t wish to get out of their comfort zone. Again, I understand. I’ve been there. But the older I get, the more I realize that nothing is worth my mental health and wellbeing, including being comfortable.

Living Situations

Ah the dreaded living situation. Well, as you have read in my previous posts, my roommate moved out two months ago. THANK GOD! And he is not missed. This one can be a tricky one, as well, because no doubt of finances. And also, what if you are living with your parents? Again, that could be a financial situation or perhaps you are the caregiver.

So, let me just speak from the roommate perspective. I am NOT a roommate person. And I knew this wayyyyyy back in college during the 80s. I just can’t deal with a roommate. However, because of money, I felt I had to have one. But not anymore. I have decided for my mental wellbeing to just take the plunge and go it alone, which is what I should have been doing all along since I left home at 18!!! Or at least when I realized I can’t live with other people.

Two BRILLIANT examples of escape from ANY situation, whether relationship, jobs, etc.

I realized that there are two examples that represent escaping a horrible, toxic situation. Though these examples really pertain to romantic relationships, I think they can apply to ANY horrible situation, because of the fact that there is a breaking away of said situation. And yes, these are movies. LOL

The first one is “The Color Purple.” Yes, THE COLOR PURPLE is a great example of FINALLY breaking free of a toxic situation – as an abused and put-upon Celie, portrayed in the movie by Whoopi Goldberg, of course, finally leaves her husband after many years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. When Celie chooses to leave, I feel that jubilation, that weight being lifted off when you at long last break free of this horrible situation that has numbed your mind, body and soul FOR DECADES!!!!!

Bit of trivia: “The Color Purple” was filmed very close to where I grew up in Wadesboro, N.C. The exterior shot of the courthouse towards the end of the film is actually the courthouse in my hometown!!! And there are SEVERAL familiar faces in the church scenes, people I grew up with and/or went to school with!!!!

You experience that same freedom in Tina Turner’s story displayed brilliantly in the movie “What’s Love Got To Do with It?” starring the fabulous Angela Bassett. That moment when Tina, who is bloodied, bruised and tired from yet another beatdown from Ike Turner, runs across that highway escaping from him, running to the hotel across the street, oh my GOD! I am in TEARS!!!!!!! I have a breakdown moment, because I am sooooo happy for her!!! By the way, I saw this movie THREE times in the theater before I moved to Atlanta!!!! It was THAT powerful!!!!

Believe me, when you’ve had enough, you’ve had ENOUGH!!!

So, in summation, why are you staying in whatever has you stuck? What is in it for YOU? Because there is ALWAYS something, a reason. And most importantly, are you happy? Perhaps you haven’t asked yourself yet. Ask yourself today. Tonight. Right now. After all Celie got out. Tina got out. And yours truly got the hell out.

Well, that’s all I have today. Make sure to leave a comment below.

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I am hoping this provides some help to you. And as always, please be mentally well!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, everyone!!! Tonight’s post is going to be a fun one. I wanted to talk about something that DEFINITELY helps me with my mental imbalance and brings me such joy, and that is reading the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries! Yes. You read that correctly. Let me explain.

But first. Picture it. Wadesboro, North Carolina, 1977.

A very cute and fabulous little black boy is sitting in Mrs. Matthews 5th grade class, end of the day. (Thankfully!) Yes. Me. And I am reading “The Shattered Helmet,” one of the Hardy Boys Mysteries. This particular book in the series would prove to be important surrounding the birth of my brother, because one of the characters in the book was named Dimitri, which is my brother’s middle name. However, his is spelled Dmitri, which is quite clever. When he was born in early winter of 1978, my father revealed that that’s what he and my mother wanted to name him. Well, imagine my surprise!! I was ABSOLUTELY thrilled to hear that!!! Quite the little connection.

I was always reading these stories. I was OBSESSED with them. On Saturdays when my grandfather would take my grandmother to go grocery shopping, he would drop me off at the library just so I could browse the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries. I, obviously, checked out several LOL

But my obsession didn’t end there. After the birth of my brother, whenever my aunt and I would visit my parents and brother in Washington, D.C., we would always accompany them to Toys “R” Us to buy diapers for my brother. And color me surprised when I discovered they had an ENTIRE section devoted to Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew!!! Well, needless to say, I began purchasing them. In order. And over time, I had nearly amassed the entire collection through #56 or 57 in both. Fortunately, my grandfather had built TWO sheds in our backyard, and one of them housed all of my books. (Sadly, many years later when I was well into adulthood, he threw them all away. 🤬)

Anyway, imagine my joy when they turned the stories into a television series in the late 70s, starring Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy Drew, and Parker Stevenson as Frank Hardy, and Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy!!! And yes, I watched every single episode!! They weren’t exactly based on the novels themselves, but they were fun to watch back then. (But child, me and one of my former roommates sat down to watch an episode as adults, and we discovered that they were BAD!! LOLOL) But as kids, you think some things are just the greatest.

Well NOW picture it. Atlanta, GA, pandemic 2020/2021. A VERY sexy and handsome YOUNG gay man of 54 decides to start reading them again. Yes. Also me LOLOL I just one day decided to pick up where I left off in the series. And this year, I have been steadily reading them ever since!!

Below is a pic of some of the books that I have purchased in 2021.

And yes, the books are VERY dated. The situations are a bit contrived. And the endings are very convenient in how SUDDENLY they catch the bad guys. Sometimes they end up working on two mysteries at the same time that end up being connected somehow. Of course. And sadly, different cultures are oftentimes portrayed very stereotypically. And let’s not forget that Frank and Nancy are 18 years old, and Joe is 17. TEENAGERS! Yet, they are all well-known DETECTIVES, and even trusted with military secrets!!!! LOLOLOL I mean, come on!! That would NEVER happen in real life. For starters, who’s going to hire a couple of teens as detectives??? But it is all in good fun, and it brings me back to a happy part of my childhood. Or rather, a time when these books got me through all the bullying I endured at that time.

And they have been a source of comfort during these troubling times we have found ourselves in. So, yes, they have helped me mentally, as well. I start each morning off reading one of them. I am currently on #66 of the Hardy Boys, and I am about to finish it and start #66 of Nancy Drew!

Oh. And I cannot close without giving honorable mention to The Three Investigators, which was another obsession of mine as a child!

So, by all means, please share with me your childhood joy or something you have returned to or rediscovered during the pandemic that has helped you to get through it. Doesn’t have to be from childhood. And doesn’t have to be from the pandemic. But perhaps it is a passion you had long since forgotten or responsibilities took over and you had to drop it. Leave a comment below.

And until the next time, stay mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

DEREK’S 2ND DISCLAIMER: This post is about feelings – yes THAT icky word – and the effect on one’s mental health related to the subject above. This post is NOT designed to be a political post. So, please refrain from making such comments and from arguing. If you are going to comment, keep it to about how the last four years made you feel, please. Thank you!

Welcome back, my fellow bent minders! Sit back for another post from yours truly. This one is going to be a doozy.

First of all, I want to say that I really had no intentions of going political, because we have had plenty of that mess lately to last a lifetime. However, I am writing this on the advice of a very close friend, who said how the past four years of a certain administration created depression in a lot — and I do mean A LOT — of people!!

This good friend mentioned former First Lady Michelle Obama and how she revealed during her podcast that she experienced low-grade depression during the pandemic, and mentioned the racial strife and the former administration as factors contributing to her depression as well. Here is a link to the article below:

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/michelle-obama-talks-low-grade-depression-during-the-pandemic

So, let’s dive into these feelings. “Nothing more than feelings.”

The Shock

Going back to that fateful night on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, (and believe me, I am literally filled with disgust right now remembering it), just like everyone else that I know and over 65,000,000 other people, the shock of that “person” “winning” the election was unbelievable. We just could NOT believe that after winning the popular vote, Hillary Clinton was not named the 45th President of the United States, which would have made her the first woman President in the history of this country. The disbelief was unreal. It was so bad that even my then-roommate didn’t go to work the next day and stayed in bed pretty much all day. That is how shocking it was.

The Disbelief

I truly felt that the event didn’t happen, that it was all a bad dream. For a brief moment, I really did think that it was a colossal joke. Then when it began to sink in, that is when the disappointment hit me.

The Disappointment

Needless to say the disappointment that we, 65,000,000-plus people, felt was just impalpable. My main disappointment was in this country, actually. How in the world could this have happened? How could this country have made such a horrible mistake? In my opinion, the Electoral College is a joke. I mean, we had seen this before in the 2000 Presidential Election between George W. Bush and Al Gore, where Al Gore actually won over 500,000 more popular votes than George W. had.

The Anger

The disappointment eventually led to my pure anger and rage over the outcome of that election and in this country itself. My mind turned over and over and over and over again over the situation until I really got pissed. And I know a lot of people did, too. This is what I felt the most, not any sort of real depression. I was angry with this country. I was angry with that administration. And I was very, very, VERY angry with the nearly 63,000,000 people who voted for that monstrosity. And some of those 63,000,000 people were people I knew.

The Fear

Then came the fear. Why? Because this country began to resemble a dystopian society with its “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “1984” – like, unfolding drama. It really started to resemble both, as well as other horrific movies and novels of the same theme. The rise of fascism was disgusting and frightening. The racism that was uncovered (rather that was uncorked yet again) was mindboggling. It was a very bad time warp as America began to travel backwards in time to some of the worst times in this country.

Hispanics were targeted. (Build the wall bullshit.)

Homophobia. Nothing new, but there was the fear of marriage equality being overturned.

Transphobia was on the rise.

The shootings and murders of black people by the police. George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Ahmaud Arbery to name a very small few. Yes. SAY THEIR NAMES!!!

The rise of the KKK and white nationalism and Neo-Nazism.

Eventually, I became fearful of even leaving my house. What if I was shot by the police over something maybe as simple as speeding?

What if I encountered a racist at the grocery story wearing one of those red hats?

I really began to fear that this WAS the end of the world, that Hitler was alive yet again, and that one day soon I would find myself in a concentration camp.

Then came the pandemic of 2020. The pandemic itself was bad enough, but the handling of it by the former administration was despicable to say the least. Stating that it was a hoax to keep that occupant in the White House (OITWH) from being elected. Then it was like – “Oh. It will be gone by April.” Then it was by the summertime. And then much later, it was revealed that the OITWH knew about it from the beginning!!!! It was appalling!! The lies! The deception!

Anyway, you could feel the fear rising in your throat and seeping and creeping into your brain. It would just take over your entire body and soul. Again, I was in literal fear for my life. Fear of the police. Fear of the newly emboldened racists. Fear of dying in a pandemic, the likes of which we had NEVER seen in our lifetime. (Move over 1918 with its Spanish Flu.) I, myself, contracted it back in January of this year and didn’t even know I had it. It was two weeks of pure agony. I was one of the lucky ones, though. However, hundreds of thousands of other people were not so lucky, succumbing to this dreadful scourge. So, there was that fear of catching it and dying from it.

And we cannot forget the economic side of things as the country was shut down. People lost their jobs, and you were left wondering if you were going to be next. My former roommate lost his job almost immediately, and was unemployed during the entire pandemic!! It was so bad for him, that he turned (or returned, rather) to meth.

The Depression

I would just like to say that I was one of the fortunate ones. I can honestly say I did not feel depressed during the past four years. I don’t get depressed, per se. Just maybe a little down, and that is rare. I always have something to pick me up – like my writing. And DEFINITELY music is a great pick-me-up. However, I know there are LOTS of people who are not so lucky. And again, former First Lady Michelle Obama admitted she was one of those who felt a little depressed during this time.

After describing all that I did above, I can imagine how you would get depressed during these past four years. That feeling of hopelessness and sadness and fatigue and despair, and just wondering if you will EVER get out of this. This is why when someone says they are depressed, I take that VERY seriously. You never know what someone is going through or how they are feeling or how something is affecting them. From what I understand, it is no joke. And it can seem that there is no end in sight.

But then something wonderful and almost magical happened …

The Relief

The 2020 Presidential Election happened, and we got a new President!!! The current administration is such a HUGE relief!! It was like an extremely heavy burden was lifted off of all of us!!! That collective sigh of relief. Being able to breathe again. But there was tension leading up to Inauguration Day 2021 with its disgusting January 6 insurrection and the lies that the election was stolen from that “person.” And there was the further tension that something awful would happen on Inauguration Day 2021, but it didn’t.

I know there is plenty of work that still needs to be done, and this current administration certainly has its work cut out for it. Because as we know, there are still awful things brewing. But I still feel a great sense of relief and hope.

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Well, that’s all I have for today, my friends. In the meantime and as always, be well!! And see ya Tuesday!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_United_States_presidential_election
2. https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/presidential-election-al-gore-george-bush-too-close-to-call

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own or have copyright licensing for any songs displayed on this page.

Greetings, my fellow Bent Minders! I think I’ve got a good one today. Unrealistic Expectations or Expectations Period. But I think my above title sounded much better than that. LOL

Let’s face it. We all have some sort of expectations of things, and especially of people.

For example:

• I EXPECT you to call me.
• I EXPECT you to pay me.
• I EXPECT you to pay attention to me.
• I EXPECT you to listen to me.
• I EXPECT you to like me.
• I EXPECT you to love me.
• I EXPECT you to be there for me.
• I EXPECT you to be where you say you’re going to be.
• I EXPECT you to help me.
• I EXPECT you to like/love my posts on social media!!!!!!!

Oh God!! Especially that last one, right? (see my very last post on Toxicity in Social Media Validation).

We, as human beings/earth things – I prefer earth things to earthlings – are always expecting SOMETHING from others. ALL. THE. BLOODY. TIME. Heck, we can expect things from objects. For example, I expect my car to take me where I want to go. I expect my computer to execute the commands I give it. You get the picture.

Anyway, expectations really can get us into trouble. Because what if you DON’T get what you expect? What happens then? If you are anything like me (and I don’t mind throwing myself under the proverbial bus to get run over), but I feel disappionted. Let down. Upset. Pissed off. When I don’t get what I want.

It really can mess with your mind when you don’t get what you expect. Like a child expecting Santa Claus to visit you and bring LOTS of toys and presents at Christmastime. Or even now, like a person expecting all the likes and loves and hugs on Facebook for your birthday. It can be a real downer not to get what you expect.

I know. I’ve been there. I suspect many of you have been, too.

I have been hurt/disappointed so many times in my life, starting in childhood. Expecting my parents, who didn’t raise me, to come see me on my birthday, at Christmastime, etc. and when they couldn’t come, I was VERY disappointed.

I was very disappointed when I didn’t win the band awards I thought I should have won.

I have been VERY disappointed in relationships.

And on and on and on and on!!

I know a lot of you are probably saying, “well, Derek. Honey, that’s ALL OF US! It’s a part of life.” Yes. But how do YOU handle it? How do you handle disappointment? Let me know in the comment section below.

Some say don’t expect anything from anyone at all. And the older I get, the more I tend to agree with that. I think it is quite toxic to expect things from people all the time. I really do. Don’t get me wrong, there are unspoken things that, of course, we should expect from people. Like being where you say you’re going to be. Being there on time. Treating people with courtesy. But I am realizing more and more when it comes to other things, especially being liked and/or loved by people, don’t expect that shit at all. I have even gotten to a point not to expect help from people or favors, big or small. I have been disappointed SO MANY times in that area. Or when someone makes a promise and they don’t live up to it.

I have decided to simply let go. Let me repeat that. LET GO. Another New Age term LOL But it works for me. I don’t have the time or the energy to live on broken promises. I have entirely TOO MUCH to do.

This is ESPECIALLY true of when I need help with something. Just recently I asked a close friend for a help with something. And well. Chirp, chirp, cricket ,cricket. This person has yet to respond. Am I mad? Not all. I mean, I know people are busy. But it does prove my point. This song by Simply Red captures this theme PERFECTLY!

And this is how I handle disappiontment now.

I keep on moving!! LOL It serves me quite well mentally to do just that!!!

Again, tell me your thoughts in the comment section below.

And now for the featured product of the day:

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That’s it! Till the next time, and please be mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own or have copyright licensing for any songs displayed on this page.

Well, it is Freaky Friday, and I am back with another post! And today’s topic is focusing on the toxicity of seeking validation through social media (or social murder as I like to call it).

I have 500 likes on Facebook (Fakebook). I have 20,000 followers on InstaGram. I have quite the following on YouTube. I am liked! I am LOVED! They love ME!! I mean, they REALLY, REALLY love me!!!!!! (FYI I don’t have any of that stuff, and I actually am quite fine with it. )

Hey, that’s fantastic! That is great!! But how do you feel about YOU? I mean, without all of those likes, would you still love or even like yourself? Do you need this sort of validation to feel valued? Do you really need approval from others? Just a thought.

First of all, we ALL want/need some sort of validation in life. If you are a parent, you may ask yourself – am I a good mom/dad? If you are married or partnered, you may ask yourself – am I a good husband/wife/partner? Oprah Winfrey shared the following thought on her final show:

“I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’

When she said this, a light bulb just immediately flashed inside me. I was like, you are sooooooo correct on that! No matter what anyone says, I feel this is what we – on some level – want!!! It all boils down to some sort of acceptance. And that in and of itself is valid. “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?” And it really, REALLY hurts when you feel that you are invisible or that you are unheard or that NO ONE cares what you have to say and/or it means NOTHING to them. I have been there more times than I care to even count.

And then social media came along with its endless selfies and pics and posts about food and houses and relationships and marriages and anniversaries and birthdays and graduations and vacations and the gym … well, you get the picture, so to speak. And suddenly, EVERYONE was a star. What started out as sharing and caring, turned into – well, a bit of a monster, in my opinion. It seemed like a competition to have THE best posts with THE best photos and pictures to get THE most likes. And I just know someone reading this is thinking – ‘hmmmm sounds like someone is hatin’ or doesn’t get a lot of likes.’ And first of all, I get my fair share of likes and NO. I am not “hatin’.” I am a nearly 54-year-old gay man who was BEFORE social media (proud Gen X, baby!!!!!), who has NEVER considered himself liked by a lot of people to begin with. So, at the end of the day I really don’t care about being “liked.” But I really think some people do, especially when it comes to social murder – er social media. The endless selfies in the same position. In front of the same mirror. Sometimes the same outfit. It is actually becoming laughable. But some people really rely on that, saying in their posts “I love ME!!” Great. Fantastic. You SHOULD love YOU! However, if you really do, do you REALLY need to state it ALL. THE. TIME? I mean, who are you trying to convince? Yourself? Or the rest of us? Because come on, after a gazillion selfies, I think we KNOW what you look like! LOL

I am not knocking the selfie thing. Well. Not TOO much. I mean, they are fun. You are capturing a fun time out with your friends, your vacation, and sometimes if you’re lucky, with a celebrity. But when it becomes an obsession, is that really a healthy thing? If you are consistently relying on those gazillion likes, is THAT healthy? Just wondering. I think if it is a constant craving for attention, then it leads into toxicity, and that can lead into some sort of mental imbalance.

That mental imbalance, I feel, is some sort of an obsession with being liked and/or validated. So, what if you don’t get those millions of likes or millions of followers after you have put your heart and soul into your selfies and pics and posts and videos? What if you only get – GASP – ONE LIKE??? Or no likes at all? Do you feel hurt? Destroyed? Do you even care? Tell me in the comment section below. Let me be honest, sometimes there is that expectation of getting people to like what you post, at least one person I would think. Even deep down I think at least one person – maybe two – will either like my post or comment on it. But again, what if that doesn’t happen? I do think there are those people who are counting on the likes and the comments. I mean, they are REALLY counting on it. Maybe social media is their only social outlet. After all, we are still in the middle of a pandemic. So, it is understandable that this is the only way to stay connected with people.

But it can become an obsession of trying to keep up with the Joneses in seeing what others post and feeling that twinge of jealousy and/or self-loathing. Like how come that doesn’t happen to me? Or why don’t I have a relationship? Or I am in a relationship, but mine sure doesn’t seem as happy as theirs do (according to the selfies). Or why am I not succeeding like so and so? He/she looks great! My body sure doesn’t look like that. And on and on and on until your mind is definitely off balance, and you are thinking there is something wrong with YOU, because you are comparing yourself to others.

I have seen countless online articles about how staying off of social media can actually make you feel HAPPIER and boost or reboost your self-esteem. I’ve tried staying off, and I was HAPPIER without it. Now, I just take it all with a grain of salt, and am thankful for ME and what I have accomplished.

Okay, so before leaving for today, I would like to point out today’s featured product, which is the following book, Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken. This book explores the process of addiction. Craig Nakken brings new depth and dimension to our understanding of how an individual becomes an addict. Going beyond the definition that limits dependency to the realm of alcohol and other drugs, Nakken uncovers the common denominator of all addiction and describes how the process is progressive.

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I could be on the subject of social media all day, but alas it is time for me to go. But before I do, remember to value YOURSELF and what YOU bring to the table. You would be amazed how much you do.

All the best as always!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).