DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back my friends and fellow mind benders!
This is probably going to be my shortest blog post. So, enjoy it while you can! Ha!
It has been said many, MANY times before – ye olde phrase – “you are not alone.” And hearing it, you probably want to vomit. So, why am I saying it? Because it is true: You are NOT alone.
So, why am I doing this topic on such a corny saying??? Because it is soooooo easy to get lost in this BS known as life, wandering around aimlessly on that hamster wheel, repeatedly doing your thing: Going to work, going to the gym, being in a relationship, making sure the bills are paid and your family is fed. Trying to be this, trying to be that, trying to do this, trying to do that, trying to be anything but fly. (okay that last bit is from a song. Oh never mind LOLOL)
But in going through life trying to do all the things you are “supposed” to be doing, it is very easy to get lost. Or stuck. Or feel hopeless. Or drained. Or that you don’t matter.
You DO matter!
And you are NOT alone!
You are not alone on that damn hamster wheel of life!
You are not alone in your struggles with mental illness.
You are not alone in your struggles with depression.
You are not alone in feeling as if you don’t matter.
You are not alone in feeling that people are letting you down.
You are not alone in your battles with weight or finances or struggling to continue during this pandemic that is STILL GOING ON!
You are not alone if you are thinking of ending it all.
Chances are if you are going through something or feeling a certain way, others are, too. And I cry fowl on people who claim that everything is okay, hunky dory, so wonderful, Atlanta peachy keen. Yuck! I mean, the social media pics say so, right?? Bull. Shit.
And if you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, please, please, PLEASE reach out to ME! No, I am not a doctor or a therapist or medical professional as my disclaimer proclaims, BUT I am actually a very good listener. I won’t give advice unless you want me to LOL.
The comment section is always free and open. I will even share my email address with you if you don’t wish to utilize the comment section. Just ask.
Or if not me, reach out to SOMEONE!
And as the song suggests and as I have said myself, PLENTY OF TIMES, come to my aid.
In summation, I get it. I am struggling. We are all probably struggling in some way. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Fight it!! Talk it out! Scream it out!! Sing it out!! SHOUT IT OUT!!!
Let someone know that you just can ‘t deal. And as I’ve said before, this ONGOING pandemic ain’t helping things. This extra stress of dealing with a potentially deadly virus and very stupid, disagreeable people who either don’t believe that there is a virus or who don’t believe in the vaccine or in wearing masks, all of this can really wear you down.
I am here for you. I really am, because I know what it is like to feel alone and to BE alone. But again, you are not alone, my fellow bent minds.
As always, please be mentally well and safe!!!
P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate! And I feel that since there are a LOT of Star Wars fans out there, this is a pretty relevant video – a new hope. Because I still feel hope even in the darkest of circumstances. Enjoy!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back, my dearest Mind Benders!
Today I am going to address something that has been truly weighing on my mind – no pun intended. And that is returning to work during this pandemic. Oy!
My own personal work-from-home history
Let me start with my own work-from-home history.
I have been working from home off and on for over 20 years. Yes, I discovered the joy of working from home wayyyyyy back in 1999 when I began studying to become a medical transcriptionist. When I was told that I could do this from the comfort of my own home and in my pajamas if I wanted (or less LOLOLOL), I was like THIS is the job for me. After going full-time to school for about a year and then dropping out for a while, I finally graduated in 2003. By that time, though, I had already begun working from home doing medical transcription.
That transitioned into simple, nonmedical transcription. And eventually I was working full-time from home, which lasted for about five years! Then later on down the road I did it again for two years!
It was an off and on thing for me, because I ended up taking other jobs outside my home, acting jobs mostly. But I LOVED the idea of working from home where I could start work whenever I wanted, finish whenever I wanted, with no one looking over my shoulder. The refrigerator was right there and, again, I could wear whatever the hell I wanted! No dressing up! Heck, I could even work to music and/or the TV!!!
I began my current outside-the-home job back in late 2017. Then the pandemic hit, and for a lot of lucky devils, including myself, we were fortunate enough to be able to transition to working remotely or from home. (I guess we weren’t essential enough LOL) And that was such a GODSEND!
But in coming back we are asking ourselves some questions:
You mean I can do this from home? And I could have all along??
Why haven’t we been doing this before?
What is the point of even going into an office to work anymore????
What We Have Returned To
We have returned to packing a lunch and/or finding something to bring to work to eat or snack on during the day. And where I work, we are strongly prohibited from using the refrigerator and microwave due to COVID. So, even with returning to work, there are new challenges we have never encountered before. And of course, the biggest is wearing a MASK ALL DAY!! UGH! Side note: Yes, I am fully vaccinated, and I do believe in wearing my mask. But all day????????
We have returned to wearing CLOTHES!!!!! And clothes that hopefully fit!! (I definitely gained during this pandemic!!!)
We have returned to heavy traffic!!!
And I swear to God when I leave my house now to go to work, I feel like I am packing for an overnight trip! THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!
Not Having to be Around People and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!!!
Working from home is definitely great for stay-at-home moms. But it is also great for people who don’t wish to be around a lot of people. I’m one of THOSE people LOL Let’s face it, the pandemic has made us rethink a lot of things, as it should. And one of them is working and the ability to actually do our jobs from home.
Heck, even teachers had to adjust to working from home and doing their extremely important jobs on Zoom. (And let’s not forget the potential danger of teachers and students returning to the classroom with COVID still out there, this Delta Variant, and unvaccinated people!!! There is DEFINITE anxiety there!!!)
Speaking of Zoom, Zoom has become our friend. Mine anyway. It was quite an adjustment for a lot of us, but I would gather we adapted rather quickly. I know I did. And on my job, which is working in the medical field, it was very much an adjustment with going into private breakout rooms and learning how to share documents via share screen and sharing sound, speaking to others in the room, making sure you are muted and screen blanked/video stopped when appropriate, etc. Eventually, I was able to become Zoom host where I set up the breakout rooms and was able to broadcast messages! So, yeah. I love me some Zoom, baby!!!
However, I also know that there are those individuals who NEED to be around others. And for mental health reasons, i.e. not to feel isolated as we have during the pandemic. But I am not one of those people LOL! But I digress. It is understandable that this work thing that has been around wayyyyyy too long mostly involves working with and around other people. That is what we have been socialized to expect in our worklife, working with others. Gee, I guess it started in that other thing called school. 🙂
And now for many work-from-home people going back into the office or wherever, it is quite difficult to get us out of the house.
This is why it has become very difficult for me to return to the actual space where I work. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my job and the people I work with. But I also LOVE working from home.
I am also VERY grateful to have a job! Because so many people lost theirs during this unfortunate time that we are STILL going through. But I also realized hmmmm I miss this working remote thingy.
But times have definitely changed. We realize that we no longer need to go into an office or wherever to work. We can do it from the comfort of our homes. And yes, in our pajamas or in the – whatever.
And I am not surprised that people feel a bit depressed over returning. Again, the struggle is REAL!! And please take care of YOU!!!
That is it for today. And I look forward to discussing this further as we go along.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back, bent minders!
In my very last blog post, I tackled complex PTSD or c-PTSD (complex posttraumatic disorder). I talked about what it is and some of the symptoms. I even delved into my story. See link to last blog post below:
So, some of the behaviors or symptoms resulting from c-PTSD are depersonalization, derealization, and dissociation. At this point, I am going to dive into something EXTREMELY personal about me. For many years, I called myself different names. I oftentimes felt that I was not a part of myself or that I was not myself. I did a lot of acting out back in those days, starting in 1989, which is the year I came out.
According to what I’ve read thus far, dissociation is when you feel disconnected from yourself, your own body, and the world around you. And there are numerous ways one can dissociate:
Travelling to a new location and taking on a new identity (dissociative fugue).
Having difficulty remembering your personal information (dissociative amnesia).
Looking at yourself from the outside (depersonalization).
Experiencing life as if the world around you is not real (derealization).
Feeling your identity shift and change (identity alteration).
Having difficulty defining the kind of person you are (identity confusion).
Now, let me connect the dots from the previous post on this subject and the dissociation part. Remember when I told you how I learned from my grandmother that my grandfather had cheated on her and sired two other children? Well, that was in 1987. And that is when I left that cult, and I started drinking and partying. That was a two-year culmination leading up to me finally acknowledging my true sexual identity as being gay and coming out in 1989. It was quite a ride wild. And not the easiest, but rather quite bumpy indeed.
And make no mistake about it, I dissociated starting in 1989. I personally think it was because of all the horror I had endured during childhood up to this point. And coming out was just a springboard, a catalyst. Not to mention the fact that I was still dealing with the religious garbage of saying it was not okay to be gay, that I was an abomination. But just like the Eurythmics’ song says “I Did It Just The Same.” Ha!
So, according to the list above, I suffered from “identity alteration.” (Not to be confused with DID or dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as split or multiple personality). Starting in 1989, I began calling myself other names and going by different personas. Although I was not suffering from true DID and blacking out and having memory loss, I would experience a near blackout as if the room was spinning slightly.
Let’s do a breakdown of the other names/personas I adopted during this time and their characteristics:
Daryl Lord
I considered this person to be the part of myself that was the loud partyer, the drinker, the life of the party. He was very brash and obnoxious and normally talked with a New Jersey accent. He was sort of patterned after actress Erika Slezak’s Niki Smith from “One Life to Live,” except she wore a red wig. Daryl did not wear a red wig, but instead wore a sleeveless cutout, black denim jacket and tight blue jeans and cowboy boots, but not always. When I look back on it, I think he was the part of me that rebelled against all that religion that had been shoved down my throat all my life, and particularly my first two years in college.
Oh God, he was horrible. So, loud and brash and bold. He was able to do and say the things I couldn’t.
Nick Montraire
He was the promiscous personality. Okay. You can say it. He was the slut. He was always at the gay bars picking up strange men. It wasn’t that he dressed differently than me. He was just trashier in a sexy sense, more open with his sexuality. He went off with all sorts of men and yes, he called himself Nick. And that is how the other men knew him/me.
Guillaume Radcliffe (William Ratliff)
This guy was the snooty more studious side of me. He spoke with a British accent, but with a French name LOL. He was ALL business. Very, very smart and highly intelligent. He did not care about sex or partying. Guillaume wanted to see me succeed. He was EXTREMELY ambitious, and he did not like my friends at all.
“Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.” (ME!!!)
I look at it as detaching from reality, detaching from whatever it is I couldn’t face.
Over time, it grew worse, because I would dissociate whenever I felt under stress or there was something I felt I could not handle as Derek. But that one of the others could. As a matter of fact over time, I splintered into more than just Daryl, Nick and Guillaume. After I moved to Atlanta and over time, there were as many as 13 other me’s!!!!
And needless to say, I met others just like me. They shall remain nameless. But there were others who had alternate identities. So, I wasn’t alone. Ha ha!
Dissociation
In summation and to make it abundantly clear, my identity alteration was my way of coping with years and years of mental abuse – the c-PTSD. It’s like Derek died and these “monsters” took over my life. Fortunately, I do not feel a need to do that anymore. As a matter of fact, I think the last time I truly succumbed to my “illness” was back in 2002 over an extremely stressful period in my life.
Believe me, there will be more to the story as we go along. But for now, I want all of you to be mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back, fellow mindbenders!
I am going to start off by saying again and again and again – I AM NOT A DOCTOR OF ANY KIND! I am not offering medical advice whatsoever. Rather, I am shining a light on what, I perceive to be, is wrong with ME. And I have no business self-diagnosing. So, I will be following up with a professional about this. But If you happen to see things in my posts that resemble you, then all right. Let’s talk about it. My blog is intended to be interactive, but not for medical advice. But that is where it ends. I want to make that very abundantly clear. I am not here to diagnose people, but to shine a light on some things that we may connect on.
With that said, I feel compelled to talk about something that is fairly new to me: complex PTSD. What is complex PTSD? Everyone, of course, has heard of just PTSD – posttraumatic stress disorder – which has typically been referred to or about people who have gone to war and who have returned traumatized. (Think Vietnam. Hell, think Afghanistan.) OR anyone who has experienced any sort of traumatic event. But there is another kind.
And again, I have no business self-diagnosing myself. But I first came across the topic of complex PTSD on YouTube. YES, YOUTUBE. However, after clicking on it and listening to what they had to say, I felt I needed to do some more research.
So, let’s a take a deeper dive into the world of complex PTSD.
What is complex PTSD?
Complex PTSD or c-PTSD (complex posttraumatic stress disorder) is what happens to a person who has undergone months or even years of repeated trauma or abuse, as opposed to PTSD which is over a shorter period of time. Sufferers are people who have endured extended periods of:
Physical abuse or violence.
People who are prisoners of war.
Ongoing childhood abuse or neglect.
People forced to traffic themselves or forced into prostitution.
Symptoms
And the resulting behaviors or symptoms have been compared to the PTSD we know, such as flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping or concentrating, or being startled by loud noises. But there are other symptoms, such as:
Avoiding situations (and people) that remind them of the trauma. (Me!)
Being in a continual state of high alert, i.e. hyperarousal. (Me!)
Belief that the world is a dangerous place. (Me!)
A loss of trust in self or others. (Me!)
Often consider themselves to be different from other people. (oh DEFINITELY Me!)
Holding a negative view of the world and the people in it. (Again, DEFINITELY Me!)
Losing faith in previously held beliefs. (Me!)
Losing control over their emotions, such as experiencing intense anger or sadness. (Me!)
May have thoughts of suicide. (NOT ME!!!)
A person may dissociate, which means feeling detached from emotions or physical sensations. Some people completely forget the trauma. (DEFINITELY ME – dissociating, not forgetting)
It is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse. (Me!!)
As you can see, I put “me” next to each of the above symptoms/behaviors. I am “outing” myself, because I have just described the things I do or have done to cope with my past traumas. So, we may as well dive into my personal story.
My story
There is no other way for me to say this except to say that I was emotionally and mentally abused as a child. The culprits were my paternal grandparents and aunt, the people who actually raised me. I hate to throw them under the bus, but they are exactly where my problems started. There is a LOT to this story. So, you are going to have to bear with me. I will try and give the condensed version.
I was told all sorts of horrible things from the family who raised me. My grandfather often told me that I was going to grow up to be “sorry,” which meant I was going to be lazy and not amount to much.
I was also told on more than one occasion by my grandmother that she was sick and tired of raising me, and that she wished my parents would take me back.
My aunt called me names and slapped me several times across my face, once drawing blood (this was actually in front of my parents in Washington, D.C. They did or said NOTHING about it!).
And yes, I got the belt from both my grandmother and my aunt. Funny how the belt didn’t hurt nearly as much as the words that were used to cut me down.
I also witnessed on MORE THAN ONE OCCASION them fighting amongst themselves. I actually found it amusing at times, but at the same time I was glad it wasn’t directed towards me.
Living in that house was a nightmare at times, because I never knew if and when they were going to get mad and direct their anger towards me. When I look back on it, part of me was actually walking on eggshells as a child, which is the high state of alert mentioned above.
By the way, I experienced the same in school from teachers and most definitely some of my classmates. And I was afraid of EVERYBODY!
From intense fear to intense anger
But things began to change. You see, the older I got, the angrier I got. I grew sick and tired of my family mistreating me, and there were times in which I rebelled. Big surprise. Nothing major, in my opinion; I would simply talk back. A lot. And there was the time when my grandmother tried to whip me with the belt when I was 16, and I grabbed it and basically took it away from her. Big no no. Oh boy I never heard the end of that one. They all were upset with me over that! LOL
There was also the time when my grandfather had prostate surgery, and could not drive for over a month. So, I had to take my grandmother and aunt shopping. The Saturday trips to the grocery store were all on me, driving to church, etc. And I HATED it! Which is another subject and no doubt added to what I now suspect as complex-PTSD. According to my familial passengers I was either driving too fast. Or I needed to watch out for this car and that car. Slow down. Hit the brakes. And driving my grandmother was THE WORST! She always acted as if she had a set of brakes on her side!! LOL
Well, one day after school, my aunt came home and said that she needed me to take her uptown. I told her that I would do it in a minute. Let me rest first. Oh no that wasn’t good enough. She had to go NOW. So, that started an argument, which led to full Armageddon between me and the rest of the family. It was so bad that my grandfather, who had been sitting on his ass for over six weeks at this point “recovering” (he was milking it for all it was worth) drove her. But boy did I hear about it from grandmother and from him and my aunt upon their return.
Turns out my grandmother revealed to me about two years after this when I was in college, that my grandfather had had several affairs on her, one of which produced two outside children. And that I actually went to school with my own uncle and didn’t even know it!!!
This reveal rocked me to the very core of my existence. So, NONE of this was my fault. It was my grandfather’s all along. The very same man who said I was going to grow up to be “sorry.” I hated him after that. And my anger grew more intense. (And actually, my grandmother and I grew closer and bonded. She told me afterwards that she did not see a difference between me and my aunt and my father. That I was HER child. So, that actually made up for the past between us.)
Nonetheless, the anger didn’t stop there where other people were concerned. Over the next several decades it grew and grew and grew. It got much worse. Anyone that I lived with, for example, ended up seeing – and receiving – the full brunt of my anger.
I would just blow up for no reason. It was awful!! And again, sometimes it would just come from out of left field.
I am going to stop here before this article gets too long! LOL But there is definitely more to my story and to the whole c-PTSD thing. So, stay tuned for PART 2!!
And in the meantime, as always, be mentally well!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back, my friends! Today we are going to explore when it is time to seek therapy when things are getting too tough for you to handle. And remember, there is no shame in our game!
They are just WORDS!
Let me start by saying that the terms “psychiatrist” or “psychologist” or even “therapist” may sound scary or even shameful to a lot of people, particularly if there is a suggestion that one needs to seek professional help. I say that these are just WORDS, but it is understandable, again, that these words can be triggering to some. In other words, people may take offense or even be frightened at the thought of seeing someone for professional help. So, look at it as simply going to talk to someone about your problems. Just you and that professional who is there to help, listen, and guide you. Not tell you what to do, but simply provide some tools to help you with whatever you are going through.
I was talking with a friend the other day about the benefits of therapy. He told me that he had lost his lover way back in 1992 after a 13-year relationship, as well as losing two brothers — all to AIDs. He was swimming in a pool of loss and despair, loneliness and depression. And he didn’t even realize it.
It wasn’t until he spoke with another friend who told him that perhaps he should see someone professionally. At first, he balked at the very idea that he needed to seek outside help. But he also realized that living alone in his house, his inner demons were speaking to him day in and day out. And this went on for years.
Do I need to seek therapy?
Once he realized that he was in dire need of help, he got it. And he began to cope with his losses. However, others do not realize they need help or they do, but feel they can’t afford it, which is understandable.
The Shame and Stigma of it all!
It is a shame that in this country, we do not have Universal Healthcare. It is also a shame that we do not recognize that mental illness is a MAJOR problem here in America. Just imagine instead of treating people with mental health issues as if they are criminals or freaks or scourges or outcasts, you treat them with kindness and compassion and understanding. Things would be vastly different.
And I might add there are a LOT of people walking around who think they are okay, but who could really benefit from therapy or simply talking to someone about what is really going on with them.
So, let’s see if we can take the stigma out of not only mental illness, but asking for professional help or seeking therapy, too.
Only Human
First of all, it is okay to NOT be okay. That’s right. I said it. Let’s face it, we are not – I repeat – we are NOT going to be 100% tiptop, superman/superwoman/super nonbinary all the freaking time!! Everything is not going to be okay and perfect every single day of our lives. If you do believe that, then you don’t reside on the same planet the rest of us do.
I am not at all saying wallow in it, but what I am saying is we are human. I don’t care what religion or belief system you hold, we are all still HUMAN!
Secondly, it is definitely okay to ask for help. But when should you?
Getting the help you need
When whatever you are facing or going through just becomes absolutely unbearable.
When you realize that your problems are affecting your life, your job, your work, your family, your activities, YOU.
Again, I am not a doctor. But I will tell you I have, myself, sought therapy for anger issues in the past, and I found it beneficial. I learned the root cause of some of my anger and how to effectively manage and deal with it. (I sense another blog post!!! LOL)
And yes, I even sought help for my intrusive thoughts and found it helpful, as well. I am even considering seeking help yet again.
The above friend I mentioned stated that he found it helpful just to talk to someone about what he was feeling. And sometimes that is all a person needs is to just talk to someone and have them listen.
Crisis mode
In the research that I have done, if you feel you are in severe crisis mode, i.e. you are contemplating suicide, it is best to contact a crisis or suicide hotline first before delving into therapy.
I recently learned that someone who was in extreme crisis, actually checked himself into a mental health facility for about a month. He said it helped him tremendously. Again, there is no shame in our game.
Now, before I go, if you feel that therapy is for you and you are not in immediate crisis, then click on the link below. And you can do the therapy sessions in the comfort of your own home!
And in the meantime, and as always, please be mentally well!!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back to a fresh and new blog post from yours truly! I am trusting that all of you are well!
I would like to talk about lies your own mind can tell you. And how you end up believing those lies. But they are LIES! ALL LIES!! Remember that going in.
Good/Normal Thoughts
The brain and the mind are EXTREMELY complicated. As I am learning in my own research, the mind comes up with hundreds of thousands of different little thoughts a day. Some thoughts are just typical, normal thoughts:
“I need to go to the grocery store.”
“Gotta get my oil changed.”
“What am I having for dinner?”
And some thoughts are just good and fun:
“It would be so nice to be on a beach right now.”
“That person is most certainly very attractive.”
“Gosh, I love this music they’re playing.”
Bad thoughts
And then there are the bad thoughts.
“I could just punch so and so.”
“Gosh! He gets on my nerves!”
“What if my partner/husband/wife/significant other leaves me?”
The bad thoughts are the ones, of course, that can really get us down, and we ALL have them. But what makes it very tricky is when you cannot get rid of them. And there are the negative ones tied to our self-worth:
“I am not good enough.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Everyone is better than me.”
“I am stupid and dumb.”
The mind can conjure up all sorts of horrible things. I call these particular thoughts lies of the mind, because to me that is exactly what they are doing – telling your brain and your mind things that just aren’t true.
Intrusive Thoughts
And then there are my personal faves – the intrusive and/or recurring thoughts that will NOT go away, that are indeed bad thoughts. Most people can just let these thoughts go, no problem. We all have them. But others like me, for some reason cannot. My own experience has been that whenever something abhorrent or something I don’t like pops into my head, it gets stuck there. As I have mentioned previously, this is something that has actually plagued me my entire life, but it hasn’t been as bad as it is now. And I think perhaps the pandemic had something to do with it, because before I was fine. But now I feel like I struggle a bit more. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I am alone a lot more now, because whenever I am around people I am not as bothered with it. Let’s face it, when you are alone with your own mind with nothing or no one to act as a buffer, it can spell trouble. I want to go on the record for saying that certain intrusive thoughts can leave you feeling ashamed, disconnected from your own body, and quite alone. You feel like a freak, as I have. But I am NOT a freak, and neither are you if you suffer from this. It’s all lies!!!
Examples of intrusive and/or recurring thoughts, which by the way is a form of OCD – obsessive-compulsive disorder, are:
Unwanted thoughts of harming someone (or even believing you have hurt someone).
Unwanted thoughts of a sexual nature, i.e. such as sex with a relative. Or sexual thoughts of someone of the same-sex if you are heterosexual or thoughts of sex with someone of the opposite sex if you are homosexual. (By the way, these are NOT sexual fantasies!!! A fantasy is something you enjoy. These are not thoughts you enjoy. You consider them distasteful and awful.)
Unwanted thoughts of hurting your own child.
I have had several, but here is one that truly bothered me for a long time and even still pops up every now and then: The fear of going blind, which started with the fact that I have eye floaters (who doesn’t?). But then I looked them up online, and boy was that a mistake, as you can imagine. You know what they say, you play doctor and go online, you end up with that disease. Well, in reading about eye floaters, I read that these are normal. However, I also read that in rare cases if they get worse, it can lead to blindness because of a detachment of your retina. And as you can imagine, that’s all my brain saw: BLINDNESS!!
These thoughts are uncontrollable at times, and it does feel as if your mind has a mind of its own, as if there is a recording or another person in your head saying things or conjuring up images that you don’t want or would normally not think about it. It can be VERY stressful indeed.
Tips and Tricks for getting unstuck
BUT I have some tips and tricks I do to get unstuck. Maybe these will help some of you, too:
I “change the channel” in my brain. Much like changing the channel on your TV, I do the same with some of these thoughts that bug me. It is sometimes easier said than done, I must admit, but possible. They say that whenever you try to avoid certain thoughts, they appear even stronger. Yes. And no. You can actually distract yourself. For example, if I am sick and tired of seeing red elephants in my head, I “change the channel” to flamingoes. And sometimes I play a trick on my brain by trying NOT to think of the flamingoes and guess what? The flamingoes stick! Success! I’ve changed the channel.
Speaking of distracting yourself, do just that. One of the ways I distract my brain and mind is to READ!!! I LOVE reading, and if you have been keeping up with this blog, then you know that I have been reading the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew mystery stories all year long, which has provided me with such a great distraction from my own mind.
Exercise! Everybody’s favorite, just not mine LOL But I do exercise, and though I don’t find it as useful or fun as reading, I know that others find it great at getting their mind off things. Plus it is healthy.
Doing what I am doing now – writing! Writing is one of the best tools I use for distracting my mind from the crap that floats through it. The best type of writing for me is writing my web series, which pulls me into a totally different world as opposed to my mental imbalance. It is indeed very therapeutic.
Music!! Yasssssss!!! Music also pulls me into a different world, and I am sure it does the same for many of you. So, crank it up (especially the 70s and 80s music)!!!! 🙂
Speaking of music, play a musical instrument! I play several, my first and main one being the trumpet. Playing a musical instrument DEFINITELY keeps you distracted or rather keeps your mind on the music!
Anyway, regardless of what garbage and “LIES” are going through your mind, remember to stop. Breathe. Smile and go on. Try the tips and tricks above. Tell me what yours are in the comment section below.
And, of course, if the thoughts become too difficult to manage, by all means seek professional help. There is no shame in our game. Please click on the banner below if you feel that you need extra help.
Take care, friends! Until the next time, be mentally well!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I cannot believe that it has been 52 years since the Stonewall Riots happened. Now. I am sure many of you know about Stonewall or what it is and what it represents pertaining to the gay community on the eve of Gay Pride. If not, here is a brief history lesson:
Way back in the day starting in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, (I was only two years of age then, and clearly had no idea of what a Stonewall was), Stonewall Inn, which was then located in New York City on Christopher Street, was the site of riots, which led to the gay movement, which led to all of those Gay Pride parades that so many conservative Christians LOVE to try and infiltrate, interrupt, and protest. Ha! You see what happened was gay bars were subject to raids back then by the police – big surprise. But on that night/early morning of June 28, 1969, the gay community had had enough. And they pushed back. Hard. Fights broke out when the police arrived. Confrontations occurred within the bar, as well as outside on the street. The police arrested about 13 people, one being a lesbian who allegedly said to fight back. So, the already pissed-off crowd did just that, throwing all sorts of objects at the police. The pushback was so fierce that the police ended up barricading themselves inside the bar with some of the prisoners they had arrested. Some of the patrons outside, which by now included part of the neighborhood, set the bar on fire!! Fortunately, the police and prisoners were able to escape.
The fighting lasted for several days. But this led to what some call the beginning of the Gay Liberation Movement. The following year, on June 28, 1970, was the very first Gay Pride parade, which has continued to this day across the entire country and even around the world. At the publishing of this post, this weekend will celebrate 52 years of “freedom” for the LGBTQ community.
Marsha! Marsha! MARSHA!!!
And depending on whom you ask there is one name, in particular, that is given credit for the uprising on June 28, 1969. And that is Marsha P. Johnson, a fierce black drag queen, who was born Malcom Michaels, Jr. Some of the accounts seem to tell a different version of what happened that night and how Marsha was involved, but it is no doubt that her name has become synonomous with the Gay Liberation Movement.
“Johnson has been named, along with Zazu Nova and Jackie Hormona, by a number of the Stonewall veterans interviewed by David Carter in his book, Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution, as being “three individuals known to have been in the vanguard” of the pushback against the police at the uprising. Johnson denied starting the uprising. In 1987, Johnson recalled arriving at around “2:00 [that morning]”, that “the riots had already started” by that time and that the Stonewall building “was on fire” after police set it on fire.[11] The riots reportedly started at around 1:20 that morning after Stormé DeLarverie fought back against the police officer who attempted to arrest her that night.
Carter writes that Robin Souza had reported that fellow Stonewall veterans and gay activists such as Morty Manford and Marty Robinson had told Souza that on the first night, Johnson “threw a shot glass at a mirror in the torched bar screaming, ‘I got my civil rights'”. Souza told the Gay Activists Alliance shortly afterwards that it “was the shot glass that was heard around the world”. Carter, however, concluded that Robinson had given several different accounts of the night and in none of the accounts was Johnson’s name brought up, possibly in fear that if he publicly credited the uprising to Johnson, then Johnson’s well-known mental state and gender nonconforming, “could have been used effectively by the movement’s opponents”. The alleged “shot glass” incident has also been heavily disputed. Prior to Carter’s book, it was claimed Johnson had “thrown a brick” at a police officer, an account that was never verified. Johnson also confirmed not being present at the Stonewall Inn when the rioting broke out, but instead had heard about it and went to get Sylvia Rivera who was at a park uptown sleeping on a bench to tell her about it. However, many have corroborated that on the second night, Johnson climbed up a lamppost and dropped a bag with a brick in it down on a police car, shattering the windshield.”
And as we approach the 52nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, I am wondering what would have happened if Stonewall HADN’T occurred. Where would we, as an LGBTQ community, be today? Would the riots have eventually happened? Would they have happened elsewhere? Would police raids STILL continue?? Well, Atlanta sure saw one several years ago when the Atlanta Eagle was raided by police, which resulted in several lawsuits! THIS is why we do what we do!!
So, this is why Stonewall means a lot to me. I am touched by the fact that our community fought back instead of sitting on their behinds and taking the abuse straight society has perpetuated on us for EONS. We don’t want to fight you; we just want to be your equals. I know to some the parades are nothing but fluff, an opportunity to get drunk or naked or participate in debauchery, or whatever that means for you. However, there is always a deeper meaning, and I don’t want our community to ever lose sight of that meaning. And that is the freedom to simply be who we really are without fear, without judgment, without hatred. And as much as I hate to say this, when it comes to thanking the military for my freedom, I don’t. I thank those wonderful people who led the way back in 1969, as well as the brave abolitionists and slaves who also had had enough!!!
And I don’t think we should ever take for granted how far we have come ( marriage equality, etc.). We most certainly still have much farther to go. However, if it weren’t for the Marsha P. Johnsons and others on the night/early morning of June 28, 1969, we would still, no doubt, be harrassed by the police and others without any consequences.
If you are wondering what does this have to do with mental health, PLENTY!! I cannot stress enough that it is very unhealthy and toxic to live in a world that caters to a majority, where there is no equality or a place for you at the table. So, in summation, however you celebrate Pride this weekend, remember to say a THANK YOU TO THE STONEWALL INN PATRONS for having the courage to risk their lives so that people like you and me can be free to be ourselves! HAPPY GAY PRIDE!!! (And old, straight white men who are out of touch can just get over it!) ☺
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Welcome back, my dear friends!
Today’s topic pertains to Gay Pride – or simply Pride – and the microaggressions that my people face.
Now, I do not intend for this blog to be a finger pointer or a rant. But just some things for our straight allies to understand. So, you will have to forgive my tone. If it comes across as angry or “salty,” well, so be it. We’ll all survive. After all, the LGBTQ community have survived certain comments for eons.
I was inspired by the article by Huffpost entitled “14 Microaggressions LGBTQ People deal with All the Time.” I have included the link below. But you know I had to include my own personal microaggressions. And please do not be offended; it is what it is.
But first, what is a microaggression? According to Webster’s Dictionary, it is defined as “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).” Or in this case, the LGBTQ community.
Though intended to be funny or as a joke in some instances, these microaggressions are actually ignorant, hurtful, and downright stupid. And yes, they take a toll on your mental wellbeing in having to either explain yourself over and over and OVER again. Or just simply having to hear them, making you feel less than or that you are not a real, worthy, or equal person (to your hetero counterparts).
There may be a crisscross between the Huffington Post list and mine, by the way. They listed 14, and I am listing 14. (But there are MANY others!!) So, here we go:
Your “LIFESTYLE.” What the heck??? WHAT lifestyle? Is this The Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous with Robin Leach??? Because that is what I think of whenever a straight person says this, like we are talking lots of money or fancy houses and vacations. It is totally ignorant and ridiculous. Is there a HETEROSEXUAL lifestyle? By all means, let me know. And it seems to be the go-to term to describe the LGBTQ community. However, I NEVER hear it when referring to straight people. It is rather tired and annoying.
From the conservative Christians or Christians period: “I love you. Just not your LIFESTYLE.” Again, what lifestyle? And do you know how condescending this is? As if anyone cares whether or not you LOVE us. All we ask is that you do not be condescending or cruel to us or, heaven forbid, hurt us. This implies that you are better than us, and that we should be pitied. You don’t have to “love us.” Just accept us for who we are, and that we most certainly aren’t going anywhere. Oh. And you don’t have to tolerate us either, which brings me to the next one.
I tolerate your LIFESTYLE or people like you. What are we? Annoying children that must be tolerated? Or perhaps we are your in-laws that must be “tolerated” whenever they come to dinner or come to visit. You have to put up with us?? Well, we’re not the majority. You are. So, who needs to tolerate whom???? Again, VERY condescending.
The gay bars. Here we go: Now, I remember inviting my straight female friends to go with me to the bars wayyyyy back when I first came out. I had one who flat out refused, because she “didn’t want to be seen in such a place.” Hey, that’s cool. Whatever. Over the years, I have certainly had my straight female friends, and even straight male friends, come with. Again, really cool. However, what I have seen over the past decade or so is that it appears to be a “straight invasion” into the queer bars. For God sakes’ WHY? It is nice to have visitors, but damn! You’ve taken over!!! Some people, especially the women, act as if they OWN the joint! I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed straight women, particularly, coming in and trying to take over! They are loud, rude, and very, very obnoxious! And even “handsy,” if you know what I mean. Keep your bloody hands to yourself! And whenever a great song comes on and I am dancing or another gay man is dancing alone, why do they feel a need to join you without asking for permission? Very annoying. Look at it this way, when you are in your own bars and a straight man comes up and starts dancing with you that you don’t know, how does that make YOU feel? And especially if he starts touching you. Same thing in a gay bar. And heck, there are gay men that I don’t like touching me. So, why would I want a woman to touch me? And please find another venue for your bachelorette parties! I understand you feel comfortable in a gay bar. But you are starting to make us feel UNCOMFORTABLE. Oh and for the record, I am not saying stay out. I am saying BE RESPECTFUL!!! So, don’t even begin to think this is misogny. We gay men LOVE our hetero female counterparts. Heck, we ARE you in a lot of ways. But how would you like it if we started coming into your bars and coming onto and being overly friendly with your husbands and boyfriends??? I’ll wait …
Is that your preference? YES! My God!! Is being straight yours???? Why are straight people not asked these insipid questions???? LOL
One that I am surprised has come up recently is “How do you know you’re ‘that way’ if you haven’t tried it?” Meaning being with a man/woman if you’re gay. Well, trust me you know!!! How do you know you’re heterosexual if you’ve never been with your same sex?
Speaking of “that way,” what does that mean to say that someone is “that way?” Which way? Is this a direction? Are we going someplace??
“You’re gay, so you are not a ‘real man’ or a ‘real woman.'” Hmmm okay, so define what a “real man or woman” is. I’ll wait. So, it is just based on biology or science or whether or not you can procreate or desire to or desire to be with the opposite sex?? Believe you me, I know PLENTY of LGBTQ peeps who are more of a “real man or woman” than a lot of heterosexual people I know, because of the fact that they are simply brave enough to be THEMSELVES by facing scorn, ridicule, danger or even death.
“Why would you want to be that way when there are soooooo many women/men out there?” Again, why would you want to be “that way” when there are sooooo many of your same sex out there to choose from? And I guess here is where I have to say it: YOU ARE BORN THAT WAY!!
And that brings us to “You weren’t born that way. God didn’t intend for you to be ‘that way’!” Seems like “that way” comes up a lot, huh? For as long as I can remember, I felt different. Very different. All the other boys around me were looking at the girls, talking about them in a suggestive manner. And I NEVER felt that energy. I was looking at them, the boys instead! LOL So, yes, I was born “that way.”
“The right man/woman can CHANGE you!” Um no. They cannot. A woman would not be able to change me from gay to straight. She doesn’t have the right – um – stuff LOL Not to mention there is ZERO attraction there. Yes, I think there are sooooo many beautiful women out there, but that is as far as it goes, acknowledging they are pretty or beautiful. But I do not wish to have sex with or be with any of them.
“I never knew you were gay. You don’t act it.” Or even the opposite. There are sooooo many effeminate-acting men out there who claim they are NOT gay. And I have met many of them, and I don’t think they are. And just for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with “acting gay” or if you’re a lesbian “acting butch.”
Making assumptions about gay people that are quite frankly stereotypical. In other words, lesbians must LOVE sports or look or act a certain way, and are handy with tools. While gay men LOVE musicals, love fashion, love to shop, and have great fashion sense, oh and can interior decorate like nobody’s business. Just dumb, dumb, DUMB! We all like different things! And can do different things. So, that means that straight women can’t be handy with tools or love sports and not have any fashion sense? And believe me, I know plenty of gay men who LOVE sports! I have never liked them, but there are gay men out there who do. And I can’t stand musicals, and I definitely am not a slave to fashion. As a matter of fact, in the spring and summertime, I prefer a T-shirt, shorts, and flipflops wherever I go!!
No homo by the “bruthas” when they hug you. Ugh!!! So, this implies that gay men find EVERY straight man attractive. And that is definitely a big NO!!! And again, very condescending to make the assumption that even from a simple hug, that we would even want you. Please do NOT flatter yourself. So, every time you hug a straight female, does that mean you want her or vice versa??? Just curious ….
Well, those were 14 of my personal microaggressions. What are yours? I definitely want to know and how it has affected you personally. Leave me a comment below!
And in the meantime, please be mentally well! And again, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Hola, my fellow bent minders! Welcome to another round of get me through my mental illness!
Today, I would like to talk about facing social anxiety, especially as it pertains to the pandemic.
First of all, what is social anxiety? WebMD describes social anxiety as a common mental health disorder where a person feels extremely uncomfortable and nervous in social situations. A person suffering from this condition may have a fear they are being judged or watched by others. You may have physical symptoms, such as a fast heartbeat, sweating, dizziness, an inability to catch your breath or even stomach ailments, including diarrhea. That last one affected me whenever I felt anxious. TMI.
This disorder is certainly common in social situations, such as work, parties, gatherings, perhaps even going to the grocery store. It can even be present when trying to meet people or when dating.
Now. Let’s break it down as it relates to before, during and “after” the pandemic.
Before
I can tell you that I suffered from social anxiety in the past wayyyyyy before any pandemic. I know. Hard to believe, right? But it is true. It was when I was much younger, actually when I was in school. I really felt very awkward as a child/teenager and even a bit beyond. However, the older I got, the less it became prevalent, particularly as I got into acting.
According to the WebMD source/link, “social anxiety disorder usually comes on at around 13 years of age. It can be linked to a history of abuse, bullying, or teasing. Shy kids are also more likely to become socially anxious adults, as are children with overbearing or controlling parents. If you develop a health condition that draws attention to your appearance or voice, that could trigger social anxiety, too.”
I can certainly testify to the bullying part. When I look back on it, the bullying made me shut down and not speak up at times. There were MANY times when some of my classmates in the earlier grades made me cry over something I said or did. And over time, that made me feel VERY socially awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. And again, there were times that I was hesitant to speak up. But boy, you can’t shut me up now LOL
During
It is obvious that we were in a state of panic during the pandemic. Will I get it? How long will this go on? Are we going to die? Perhaps the social anxiety was not as bad for people who normally suffer from it, because suddenly we were isolated. I don’t know. I would imagine for those of us who really aren’t big fans of being around a lot of people, it was actually a relief. For me, it was great! I felt like it was a nice change of pace and a break to not have to be around people as much as before the pandemic. But then for others, I can imagine it may have been lonely.
After (well, not really)
As we “near” the end of the pandemic, I am wondering if the anxiety is still there for a lot of us. I suppose we feel safer now that there are vaccines, and a lot of us have gotten ours. Having been to a couple of vaxxed-only parties, I do feel safer. I think we still have much further to go, though. And obviously this thing isn’t over. But the point is, now that a great many of us are fully vaccinated, we are starting to get back into the swing of real life, even if we are still wearing our masks. But is the anxiety still there?
For example, I just started going back into work after spending over a year working from home. And it liked to have killed me LOL! It was just strange suddenly being around people again. To be honest, I wasn’t that thrilled to be around people face-to-face. I didn’t feel ready. I felt very drained and exhausted by the time I got home, I mean more so than normal. I know for a fact that others are VERY happy to be back at work or school or to simply be around people again. I’m not. I love being by myself! I absolutely love it!
I think now I just don’t want to be around people as much as I used to, and from what I’ve heard from others, it is an age thing. The older one gets, the more comfortable you are just being alone and doing your own thing.
And it occurs to me that part of the anxiety for some may be the thought that you could STILL contract the disease. That makes total sense. After being careful, safe and isolated all this time, and now suddenly things are a bit more relaxed, people are returning to work and school, the thought of getting it would certainly make someone VERY anxious.
But social anxiety is nothing to be ignored. I have included some sources below from medical professionals on the subject. And yes, one of them is WebMD LOL I mean, you know what they say about checking symptoms online, you feel that you get that disease. BUT please do not be afraid. Just see if maybe you have some of the symptoms.
In the meantime, I want all of you to be mentally well. So, until the next time!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Derek’s additional disclaimer: Some of the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. ☺
Welcome back, my fellow bent minders! And HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! And to start Pride month off, let me tell you how I began my gay career. Ha!
Unrequited love. Le sigh. I have been there. Too many times to count. Being in love with or obsessed with or infatuated with someone who cannot or will not return my feelings. Or he is just not available, whether he is straight or married or partnered or in another city or state or even country. Or planet. And quite honestly I’m sick of it.
My little story goes wayyyy back to 1989 in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I was 22 years old at the time. So PICTURE IT! LOL I began working in the bakery section at a gift shop and gourmet food place known as Southern Hospitality. It may have been my first day there, but I saw this man – short, muscular, dark-haired and moustached (definitely my type) – walking around wearing an apron. He worked in the coffee section of the store. I thought he was Puerto Rican or Mexican perhaps. Turns out he wasn’t. But his name was Paul Gilbert Lassiter. He was 36 years old at the time. What can I say, I like ’em older! And over the course of the next several months, I became absolutely obsessed with this man!
I began talking to him and spending as much time in the coffee section with him as much as I possibly could. It didn’t take long for me to realize that he was gay!!! And this was as I was already coming out, because earlier that summer I had been to my first gay bar, the Power Company, in Durham. Well, he started talking about The Power Company and Boxers and Capital Corral in Raleigh. So, I tried going to all of those places in hopes of running into him.
To cut to the chase, my infatuation culminated Halloween weekend of 1989. The Power Company had a Halloween bash of sorts. Paul said that he was going to be there in costume as some sort of weird bird. So, of course I went, too. I spent the earlier part of the evening with close friends on Franklin Street. I was dressed as a white man, which morphed into James Brown or somebody. I had a brown wig and was wearing my father’s old leather coat from the 70s. It was all very strange.
Anyway, after I hung out with my pals, I took to The Power Company, because of course I HAD to be with Paul. Well, he was there dressed in that weird bird costume. Or whatever the hell he was supposed to be. We danced and hung out. He introduced me to poppers. And we literally danced the night away.
Then the end of the evening approached and as was customary, Power Company played something slow to indicate they were closing. Paul and I melted into a slow dance together. I was in heaven. We danced for a few minutes, but then he suddenly pulled away. The bar was indeed closing. So, we walked outside to the parking lot to his tan Subaru, actually. We stood there talking for a while. That is when I asked him to kiss me. He smiled, but he refused. He said that he saw us as friends FOREVER, sitting in rocking chairs – or some nonsense. I told him how I felt about him. He said that he didn’t feel the same way. But then he leaned in and he kissed me (tongue and all LOL) for what seemed like an eternity!!!!! And then it was over. He said that he would see me at work later that day. He got in his car and left, and I walked up to my car on the parking deck in TEARS!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, I was a mess. When I got home, I just simply collapsed on the floor of my bathroom, a wreck. When I woke up the next morning, I remembered that I had to be at work! God, that meant I had to see him. I quickly showered and dressed and drove like a bat out of hell to work. When I got there, I realized that I missed a time change. I was an hour early!!! LOL Well, at least it was an hour early and not an hour late, as one VERY annoying coworker pointed out.
But yes, I did see Paul. And I apologized to him for making a fool of myself. He said no apology was needed. Later on in this particular storyline, I did invite him over to my place to hang out, which he did. And I still chased after him. That is until he was replaced by another man I chased after. But that’s another story.
Apparently, this became a pattern for me over the next several decades. I just recently realized at 54 that it is time to stop and let it all go. As they say there is nothing like an old fool. But going within and seeing my patterns and asking myself all the important questions of why I do this. Is it because my parents “gave me away,” which is how I looked at it for years (which is another story)? But my mental wellbeing comes first, and all of the chasing after Paul and other men did me no good. After all, the ones I chased, I did NOT end up with. All I did was bring myself down further and further into a cesspool of low self-esteem and yes, mental illness. Because you see, there is more to the Paul story, but I will delve into that at another time.
In summation, after FINALLY realizing that the best way to break free from this unrequited love BS was to focus on ME. To love ME. I know it is so cliché. We have all heard it a million times – love yourself, focus on other things blah, blah, blah. But it is even more than that. I have found that it is a true and deep going within and breaking off that part of yourself that does those clingy things. To stand up for YOU. And believe me, that isn’t easy.
Love who YOU are!!!!
More to come, because this story is FAR from ovah. So, in the meantime, be well!
