Category: mental health and well-being

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back to another wild ride to maintain our sanity!! Woo hoo!

Today, I wish to delve into something that I discovered about life and the choices I/we make in this life. And let’s face it, a lot of our lives revolve around the following:

• Relationships (typically romantic, but of course family and friends).
• Our jobs and careers.
• And any other life situation, like living arrangements or where you live, et al.

But what do you do when you find yourself stuck in this ENDLESS cycle with the same job. The same people. The same relationship. The same tired situation that you have been stuck in for the last several hundred/million years? And worse yet, it hasn’t gone anywhere or improved. More importantly, are you happy in said situation? We have ALL been there.

Relationships

They are EVERYWHERE! People who are married, partnered, dating, together, etc. You cannot escape these people. And they LOOK happy (ESPECIALLY on social media). But sometimes beneath the surface, there is a lot more going on. Maybe one of them is NOT as happy as the other. Maybe they are BOTH unhappy. Maybe there is some sort of abuse going on, whether physical, mental or emotional. Maybe one is a substance abuser. Maybe one works long hours and barely has time for the other. You get the picture. But the question is if you are involved in a dead-end relationship, are you happy? Well. Are you? And if you are unhappy with the situation, why are you staying? Uh oh. Here we go:

• If I leave him/her, I will have no one.
• I will be all alone.
• Well, I’m USED to the _______________ — whatever it is. (You can insert in the blank any of the following: Drinking. Drugs. Loneliness. His/her long work hours. His/her toxic family. The cheating. The condescension. The lack of sex. The mental/emotional/physical abuse).

But why do we settle? Do we not know our worth? I do realize that in any relationship, there is something you are going to have to “put up with,” (let’s hope it is something simple as snoring, which can be annoying, too). But I think if it interferes with YOUR happiness or mental wellbeing (because isn’t this what this is about??), then is it worth it? I am definitely no relationship expert, but I most certainly have had my fair share of them, and I know what I will put up with and what I won’t. And I think it all boils down to self-respect. Or do you just want to be in a relationship to say that you are in a relationship? And I know it is easier said than done to just up and leave or end things. There may be kids or a house in both names, property, etc. But it is also fair to think about where you are headed in said relationship.

Jobs

Picture it Atlanta, sometime in the 21st century. A beautiful and handsome – well to be honest HOT, GBM (gay black male – yes, me bitches!! LOL) works for a company that is “supposed to be fun.” A company where he/I get to display my talents as an actor, playwright, singer, director and musical director. And the first few years WERE fun. It was like being in a dream, especially a certain component of my job which allowed me freedom and mobility in the community. However, over time it became quite clear that there was no leadership, no true direction, and TPTB (the powers that be) did NOT value their employees. It was more CORPORATE driven than ACTOR/ENTERTAINMENT driven. It was supposed to be educational, but there was always a battle as to the best way to make that happen. Eventually, the workload from the “boss” (or one of them, actually, because we had several), the workload transferred from our main boss to the acting team. I am talking the scripts, the directing, the musical direction. All of it. At first, it seemed like a good idea, but it became quite clear who the team players were and who wanted to hog the spotlight for themselves, and who wanted to be in control of EVERYTHING. This particular workplace eventually grew to be one of the most toxic work environments I have EVER encountered. And hell, I thought when I first arrived in Atlanta back in 1993 to teach was bad. Oh girl!!

After seven years of this nonsense, I finally had had enough, especially after another one of my bosses began to judge me on my facial expressions when I came into work, i.e. I didn’t LOOK like I wanted to be there. I DIDN’T! Newsflash: When you do not treat your employees properly, why would they want to even appear to look like they wish to be there? And I’m the type of person who does NOT hide their feelings or facial expressions. Though, I’m an actor, I definitely am not fake.

Anyway, I was not judged on my work performance because when I asked, this person said, and I quote, ‘Well. I haven’t seen you on the floor with the parents and children. So, I don’t know. I’ve just seen you back here.’ (meaning offstage). Insert major eye roll here. So, you are judging me on my FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. NOT my actual WORK PERFORMANCE. Okay. As actors we do our thing in front of the audience, but when we hit backstage we are ourselves. But this was “corporate,” so apparently you had to pretend you like being at work. You know, the fake way a lot of you do. Yeah. I said it. Mind you, I didn’t say not one cross word to any of the “corporate” people ever. I was always cordial. But my face! Oh BROTHER! Such rubbish! (This is exactly why actors HATE working in corporate!!!!!!)

Anyway, I should have sued. But to preserve my mental state and wellbeing, I left. And I have NOT looked back since. I have not even allowed myself to be in a toxic work situation like the one I just described. Where I am currently is the complete OPPOSITE of the nonsense I just described above. We are valued and respected. No fake positive people at all. Everyone is very sincere. So, when I show up for work, I am who I REALLY am. A fun and happy person. Put me in a toxic, negative situation, I am the environment I am in. And that is NOT good for one’s mental state.

But, of course, I can understand the reasons why people would choose to stay in a job, even a very bad one:

• Jobs are hard to find.
• The money is good. So, what if my boss treats me like trash?
• I’m too old to start over.
• I’ve got mouths to feed, including mine.

And the list goes on and on and on.

But ask yourself this question. What is in it for you? What do you get out of being in a toxic situation? Is it money? Sex? Power? Comfort? Ahhhh comfort. Some people REALLY don’t wish to get out of their comfort zone. Again, I understand. I’ve been there. But the older I get, the more I realize that nothing is worth my mental health and wellbeing, including being comfortable.

Living Situations

Ah the dreaded living situation. Well, as you have read in my previous posts, my roommate moved out two months ago. THANK GOD! And he is not missed. This one can be a tricky one, as well, because no doubt of finances. And also, what if you are living with your parents? Again, that could be a financial situation or perhaps you are the caregiver.

So, let me just speak from the roommate perspective. I am NOT a roommate person. And I knew this wayyyyyy back in college during the 80s. I just can’t deal with a roommate. However, because of money, I felt I had to have one. But not anymore. I have decided for my mental wellbeing to just take the plunge and go it alone, which is what I should have been doing all along since I left home at 18!!! Or at least when I realized I can’t live with other people.

Two BRILLIANT examples of escape from ANY situation, whether relationship, jobs, etc.

I realized that there are two examples that represent escaping a horrible, toxic situation. Though these examples really pertain to romantic relationships, I think they can apply to ANY horrible situation, because of the fact that there is a breaking away of said situation. And yes, these are movies. LOL

The first one is “The Color Purple.” Yes, THE COLOR PURPLE is a great example of FINALLY breaking free of a toxic situation – as an abused and put-upon Celie, portrayed in the movie by Whoopi Goldberg, of course, finally leaves her husband after many years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. When Celie chooses to leave, I feel that jubilation, that weight being lifted off when you at long last break free of this horrible situation that has numbed your mind, body and soul FOR DECADES!!!!!

Bit of trivia: “The Color Purple” was filmed very close to where I grew up in Wadesboro, N.C. The exterior shot of the courthouse towards the end of the film is actually the courthouse in my hometown!!! And there are SEVERAL familiar faces in the church scenes, people I grew up with and/or went to school with!!!!

You experience that same freedom in Tina Turner’s story displayed brilliantly in the movie “What’s Love Got To Do with It?” starring the fabulous Angela Bassett. That moment when Tina, who is bloodied, bruised and tired from yet another beatdown from Ike Turner, runs across that highway escaping from him, running to the hotel across the street, oh my GOD! I am in TEARS!!!!!!! I have a breakdown moment, because I am sooooo happy for her!!! By the way, I saw this movie THREE times in the theater before I moved to Atlanta!!!! It was THAT powerful!!!!

Believe me, when you’ve had enough, you’ve had ENOUGH!!!

So, in summation, why are you staying in whatever has you stuck? What is in it for YOU? Because there is ALWAYS something, a reason. And most importantly, are you happy? Perhaps you haven’t asked yourself yet. Ask yourself today. Tonight. Right now. After all Celie got out. Tina got out. And yours truly got the hell out.

Well, that’s all I have today. Make sure to leave a comment below.

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I am hoping this provides some help to you. And as always, please be mentally well!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, everyone!!! Tonight’s post is going to be a fun one. I wanted to talk about something that DEFINITELY helps me with my mental imbalance and brings me such joy, and that is reading the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries! Yes. You read that correctly. Let me explain.

But first. Picture it. Wadesboro, North Carolina, 1977.

A very cute and fabulous little black boy is sitting in Mrs. Matthews 5th grade class, end of the day. (Thankfully!) Yes. Me. And I am reading “The Shattered Helmet,” one of the Hardy Boys Mysteries. This particular book in the series would prove to be important surrounding the birth of my brother, because one of the characters in the book was named Dimitri, which is my brother’s middle name. However, his is spelled Dmitri, which is quite clever. When he was born in early winter of 1978, my father revealed that that’s what he and my mother wanted to name him. Well, imagine my surprise!! I was ABSOLUTELY thrilled to hear that!!! Quite the little connection.

I was always reading these stories. I was OBSESSED with them. On Saturdays when my grandfather would take my grandmother to go grocery shopping, he would drop me off at the library just so I could browse the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries. I, obviously, checked out several LOL

But my obsession didn’t end there. After the birth of my brother, whenever my aunt and I would visit my parents and brother in Washington, D.C., we would always accompany them to Toys “R” Us to buy diapers for my brother. And color me surprised when I discovered they had an ENTIRE section devoted to Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew!!! Well, needless to say, I began purchasing them. In order. And over time, I had nearly amassed the entire collection through #56 or 57 in both. Fortunately, my grandfather had built TWO sheds in our backyard, and one of them housed all of my books. (Sadly, many years later when I was well into adulthood, he threw them all away. 🤬)

Anyway, imagine my joy when they turned the stories into a television series in the late 70s, starring Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy Drew, and Parker Stevenson as Frank Hardy, and Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy!!! And yes, I watched every single episode!! They weren’t exactly based on the novels themselves, but they were fun to watch back then. (But child, me and one of my former roommates sat down to watch an episode as adults, and we discovered that they were BAD!! LOLOL) But as kids, you think some things are just the greatest.

Well NOW picture it. Atlanta, GA, pandemic 2020/2021. A VERY sexy and handsome YOUNG gay man of 54 decides to start reading them again. Yes. Also me LOLOL I just one day decided to pick up where I left off in the series. And this year, I have been steadily reading them ever since!!

Below is a pic of some of the books that I have purchased in 2021.

And yes, the books are VERY dated. The situations are a bit contrived. And the endings are very convenient in how SUDDENLY they catch the bad guys. Sometimes they end up working on two mysteries at the same time that end up being connected somehow. Of course. And sadly, different cultures are oftentimes portrayed very stereotypically. And let’s not forget that Frank and Nancy are 18 years old, and Joe is 17. TEENAGERS! Yet, they are all well-known DETECTIVES, and even trusted with military secrets!!!! LOLOLOL I mean, come on!! That would NEVER happen in real life. For starters, who’s going to hire a couple of teens as detectives??? But it is all in good fun, and it brings me back to a happy part of my childhood. Or rather, a time when these books got me through all the bullying I endured at that time.

And they have been a source of comfort during these troubling times we have found ourselves in. So, yes, they have helped me mentally, as well. I start each morning off reading one of them. I am currently on #66 of the Hardy Boys, and I am about to finish it and start #66 of Nancy Drew!

Oh. And I cannot close without giving honorable mention to The Three Investigators, which was another obsession of mine as a child!

So, by all means, please share with me your childhood joy or something you have returned to or rediscovered during the pandemic that has helped you to get through it. Doesn’t have to be from childhood. And doesn’t have to be from the pandemic. But perhaps it is a passion you had long since forgotten or responsibilities took over and you had to drop it. Leave a comment below.

And until the next time, stay mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

DEREK’S 2ND DISCLAIMER: This post is about feelings – yes THAT icky word – and the effect on one’s mental health related to the subject above. This post is NOT designed to be a political post. So, please refrain from making such comments and from arguing. If you are going to comment, keep it to about how the last four years made you feel, please. Thank you!

Welcome back, my fellow bent minders! Sit back for another post from yours truly. This one is going to be a doozy.

First of all, I want to say that I really had no intentions of going political, because we have had plenty of that mess lately to last a lifetime. However, I am writing this on the advice of a very close friend, who said how the past four years of a certain administration created depression in a lot — and I do mean A LOT — of people!!

This good friend mentioned former First Lady Michelle Obama and how she revealed during her podcast that she experienced low-grade depression during the pandemic, and mentioned the racial strife and the former administration as factors contributing to her depression as well. Here is a link to the article below:

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/michelle-obama-talks-low-grade-depression-during-the-pandemic

So, let’s dive into these feelings. “Nothing more than feelings.”

The Shock

Going back to that fateful night on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, (and believe me, I am literally filled with disgust right now remembering it), just like everyone else that I know and over 65,000,000 other people, the shock of that “person” “winning” the election was unbelievable. We just could NOT believe that after winning the popular vote, Hillary Clinton was not named the 45th President of the United States, which would have made her the first woman President in the history of this country. The disbelief was unreal. It was so bad that even my then-roommate didn’t go to work the next day and stayed in bed pretty much all day. That is how shocking it was.

The Disbelief

I truly felt that the event didn’t happen, that it was all a bad dream. For a brief moment, I really did think that it was a colossal joke. Then when it began to sink in, that is when the disappointment hit me.

The Disappointment

Needless to say the disappointment that we, 65,000,000-plus people, felt was just impalpable. My main disappointment was in this country, actually. How in the world could this have happened? How could this country have made such a horrible mistake? In my opinion, the Electoral College is a joke. I mean, we had seen this before in the 2000 Presidential Election between George W. Bush and Al Gore, where Al Gore actually won over 500,000 more popular votes than George W. had.

The Anger

The disappointment eventually led to my pure anger and rage over the outcome of that election and in this country itself. My mind turned over and over and over and over again over the situation until I really got pissed. And I know a lot of people did, too. This is what I felt the most, not any sort of real depression. I was angry with this country. I was angry with that administration. And I was very, very, VERY angry with the nearly 63,000,000 people who voted for that monstrosity. And some of those 63,000,000 people were people I knew.

The Fear

Then came the fear. Why? Because this country began to resemble a dystopian society with its “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “1984” – like, unfolding drama. It really started to resemble both, as well as other horrific movies and novels of the same theme. The rise of fascism was disgusting and frightening. The racism that was uncovered (rather that was uncorked yet again) was mindboggling. It was a very bad time warp as America began to travel backwards in time to some of the worst times in this country.

Hispanics were targeted. (Build the wall bullshit.)

Homophobia. Nothing new, but there was the fear of marriage equality being overturned.

Transphobia was on the rise.

The shootings and murders of black people by the police. George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Ahmaud Arbery to name a very small few. Yes. SAY THEIR NAMES!!!

The rise of the KKK and white nationalism and Neo-Nazism.

Eventually, I became fearful of even leaving my house. What if I was shot by the police over something maybe as simple as speeding?

What if I encountered a racist at the grocery story wearing one of those red hats?

I really began to fear that this WAS the end of the world, that Hitler was alive yet again, and that one day soon I would find myself in a concentration camp.

Then came the pandemic of 2020. The pandemic itself was bad enough, but the handling of it by the former administration was despicable to say the least. Stating that it was a hoax to keep that occupant in the White House (OITWH) from being elected. Then it was like – “Oh. It will be gone by April.” Then it was by the summertime. And then much later, it was revealed that the OITWH knew about it from the beginning!!!! It was appalling!! The lies! The deception!

Anyway, you could feel the fear rising in your throat and seeping and creeping into your brain. It would just take over your entire body and soul. Again, I was in literal fear for my life. Fear of the police. Fear of the newly emboldened racists. Fear of dying in a pandemic, the likes of which we had NEVER seen in our lifetime. (Move over 1918 with its Spanish Flu.) I, myself, contracted it back in January of this year and didn’t even know I had it. It was two weeks of pure agony. I was one of the lucky ones, though. However, hundreds of thousands of other people were not so lucky, succumbing to this dreadful scourge. So, there was that fear of catching it and dying from it.

And we cannot forget the economic side of things as the country was shut down. People lost their jobs, and you were left wondering if you were going to be next. My former roommate lost his job almost immediately, and was unemployed during the entire pandemic!! It was so bad for him, that he turned (or returned, rather) to meth.

The Depression

I would just like to say that I was one of the fortunate ones. I can honestly say I did not feel depressed during the past four years. I don’t get depressed, per se. Just maybe a little down, and that is rare. I always have something to pick me up – like my writing. And DEFINITELY music is a great pick-me-up. However, I know there are LOTS of people who are not so lucky. And again, former First Lady Michelle Obama admitted she was one of those who felt a little depressed during this time.

After describing all that I did above, I can imagine how you would get depressed during these past four years. That feeling of hopelessness and sadness and fatigue and despair, and just wondering if you will EVER get out of this. This is why when someone says they are depressed, I take that VERY seriously. You never know what someone is going through or how they are feeling or how something is affecting them. From what I understand, it is no joke. And it can seem that there is no end in sight.

But then something wonderful and almost magical happened …

The Relief

The 2020 Presidential Election happened, and we got a new President!!! The current administration is such a HUGE relief!! It was like an extremely heavy burden was lifted off of all of us!!! That collective sigh of relief. Being able to breathe again. But there was tension leading up to Inauguration Day 2021 with its disgusting January 6 insurrection and the lies that the election was stolen from that “person.” And there was the further tension that something awful would happen on Inauguration Day 2021, but it didn’t.

I know there is plenty of work that still needs to be done, and this current administration certainly has its work cut out for it. Because as we know, there are still awful things brewing. But I still feel a great sense of relief and hope.

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Those of us who are “almost anxious” may never address the issue because we don’t fully meet the diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder. In Almost Anxious, Luana Marques, PhD describes the spectrum of these symptoms, from normal situational anxiety on one end to a full-blown diagnosable anxiety disorder on the other. Drawing on case studies and the latest research, she gives you the tools to

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Well, that’s all I have for today, my friends. In the meantime and as always, be well!! And see ya Tuesday!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_United_States_presidential_election
2. https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/presidential-election-al-gore-george-bush-too-close-to-call

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own or have copyright licensing for any songs displayed on this page.

Greetings, my fellow Bent Minders! I think I’ve got a good one today. Unrealistic Expectations or Expectations Period. But I think my above title sounded much better than that. LOL

Let’s face it. We all have some sort of expectations of things, and especially of people.

For example:

• I EXPECT you to call me.
• I EXPECT you to pay me.
• I EXPECT you to pay attention to me.
• I EXPECT you to listen to me.
• I EXPECT you to like me.
• I EXPECT you to love me.
• I EXPECT you to be there for me.
• I EXPECT you to be where you say you’re going to be.
• I EXPECT you to help me.
• I EXPECT you to like/love my posts on social media!!!!!!!

Oh God!! Especially that last one, right? (see my very last post on Toxicity in Social Media Validation).

We, as human beings/earth things – I prefer earth things to earthlings – are always expecting SOMETHING from others. ALL. THE. BLOODY. TIME. Heck, we can expect things from objects. For example, I expect my car to take me where I want to go. I expect my computer to execute the commands I give it. You get the picture.

Anyway, expectations really can get us into trouble. Because what if you DON’T get what you expect? What happens then? If you are anything like me (and I don’t mind throwing myself under the proverbial bus to get run over), but I feel disappionted. Let down. Upset. Pissed off. When I don’t get what I want.

It really can mess with your mind when you don’t get what you expect. Like a child expecting Santa Claus to visit you and bring LOTS of toys and presents at Christmastime. Or even now, like a person expecting all the likes and loves and hugs on Facebook for your birthday. It can be a real downer not to get what you expect.

I know. I’ve been there. I suspect many of you have been, too.

I have been hurt/disappointed so many times in my life, starting in childhood. Expecting my parents, who didn’t raise me, to come see me on my birthday, at Christmastime, etc. and when they couldn’t come, I was VERY disappointed.

I was very disappointed when I didn’t win the band awards I thought I should have won.

I have been VERY disappointed in relationships.

And on and on and on and on!!

I know a lot of you are probably saying, “well, Derek. Honey, that’s ALL OF US! It’s a part of life.” Yes. But how do YOU handle it? How do you handle disappointment? Let me know in the comment section below.

Some say don’t expect anything from anyone at all. And the older I get, the more I tend to agree with that. I think it is quite toxic to expect things from people all the time. I really do. Don’t get me wrong, there are unspoken things that, of course, we should expect from people. Like being where you say you’re going to be. Being there on time. Treating people with courtesy. But I am realizing more and more when it comes to other things, especially being liked and/or loved by people, don’t expect that shit at all. I have even gotten to a point not to expect help from people or favors, big or small. I have been disappointed SO MANY times in that area. Or when someone makes a promise and they don’t live up to it.

I have decided to simply let go. Let me repeat that. LET GO. Another New Age term LOL But it works for me. I don’t have the time or the energy to live on broken promises. I have entirely TOO MUCH to do.

This is ESPECIALLY true of when I need help with something. Just recently I asked a close friend for a help with something. And well. Chirp, chirp, cricket ,cricket. This person has yet to respond. Am I mad? Not all. I mean, I know people are busy. But it does prove my point. This song by Simply Red captures this theme PERFECTLY!

And this is how I handle disappiontment now.

I keep on moving!! LOL It serves me quite well mentally to do just that!!!

Again, tell me your thoughts in the comment section below.

And now for the featured product of the day:

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An enlightening blend of travel adventure and spiritual discovery, filled with new ideas for overcoming the pitfalls of guilt and self-doubt, Stop Being Mean to Yourself is a compassionate tour guide for the troubled and the heartsick, for those who seek a happier place in the world. A tale that is at once modern and timeless, rich with the promise of personal discovery, it is a book about learning the art of living and of loving others — and ourselves. As full of suspense and excitement as it is of hope and encouragement, it is as rewarding for its pure reading pleasure as for the wisdom it imparts.

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That’s it! Till the next time, and please be mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own or have copyright licensing for any songs displayed on this page.

Well, it is Freaky Friday, and I am back with another post! And today’s topic is focusing on the toxicity of seeking validation through social media (or social murder as I like to call it).

I have 500 likes on Facebook (Fakebook). I have 20,000 followers on InstaGram. I have quite the following on YouTube. I am liked! I am LOVED! They love ME!! I mean, they REALLY, REALLY love me!!!!!! (FYI I don’t have any of that stuff, and I actually am quite fine with it. )

Hey, that’s fantastic! That is great!! But how do you feel about YOU? I mean, without all of those likes, would you still love or even like yourself? Do you need this sort of validation to feel valued? Do you really need approval from others? Just a thought.

First of all, we ALL want/need some sort of validation in life. If you are a parent, you may ask yourself – am I a good mom/dad? If you are married or partnered, you may ask yourself – am I a good husband/wife/partner? Oprah Winfrey shared the following thought on her final show:

“I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’

When she said this, a light bulb just immediately flashed inside me. I was like, you are sooooooo correct on that! No matter what anyone says, I feel this is what we – on some level – want!!! It all boils down to some sort of acceptance. And that in and of itself is valid. “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?” And it really, REALLY hurts when you feel that you are invisible or that you are unheard or that NO ONE cares what you have to say and/or it means NOTHING to them. I have been there more times than I care to even count.

And then social media came along with its endless selfies and pics and posts about food and houses and relationships and marriages and anniversaries and birthdays and graduations and vacations and the gym … well, you get the picture, so to speak. And suddenly, EVERYONE was a star. What started out as sharing and caring, turned into – well, a bit of a monster, in my opinion. It seemed like a competition to have THE best posts with THE best photos and pictures to get THE most likes. And I just know someone reading this is thinking – ‘hmmmm sounds like someone is hatin’ or doesn’t get a lot of likes.’ And first of all, I get my fair share of likes and NO. I am not “hatin’.” I am a nearly 54-year-old gay man who was BEFORE social media (proud Gen X, baby!!!!!), who has NEVER considered himself liked by a lot of people to begin with. So, at the end of the day I really don’t care about being “liked.” But I really think some people do, especially when it comes to social murder – er social media. The endless selfies in the same position. In front of the same mirror. Sometimes the same outfit. It is actually becoming laughable. But some people really rely on that, saying in their posts “I love ME!!” Great. Fantastic. You SHOULD love YOU! However, if you really do, do you REALLY need to state it ALL. THE. TIME? I mean, who are you trying to convince? Yourself? Or the rest of us? Because come on, after a gazillion selfies, I think we KNOW what you look like! LOL

I am not knocking the selfie thing. Well. Not TOO much. I mean, they are fun. You are capturing a fun time out with your friends, your vacation, and sometimes if you’re lucky, with a celebrity. But when it becomes an obsession, is that really a healthy thing? If you are consistently relying on those gazillion likes, is THAT healthy? Just wondering. I think if it is a constant craving for attention, then it leads into toxicity, and that can lead into some sort of mental imbalance.

That mental imbalance, I feel, is some sort of an obsession with being liked and/or validated. So, what if you don’t get those millions of likes or millions of followers after you have put your heart and soul into your selfies and pics and posts and videos? What if you only get – GASP – ONE LIKE??? Or no likes at all? Do you feel hurt? Destroyed? Do you even care? Tell me in the comment section below. Let me be honest, sometimes there is that expectation of getting people to like what you post, at least one person I would think. Even deep down I think at least one person – maybe two – will either like my post or comment on it. But again, what if that doesn’t happen? I do think there are those people who are counting on the likes and the comments. I mean, they are REALLY counting on it. Maybe social media is their only social outlet. After all, we are still in the middle of a pandemic. So, it is understandable that this is the only way to stay connected with people.

But it can become an obsession of trying to keep up with the Joneses in seeing what others post and feeling that twinge of jealousy and/or self-loathing. Like how come that doesn’t happen to me? Or why don’t I have a relationship? Or I am in a relationship, but mine sure doesn’t seem as happy as theirs do (according to the selfies). Or why am I not succeeding like so and so? He/she looks great! My body sure doesn’t look like that. And on and on and on until your mind is definitely off balance, and you are thinking there is something wrong with YOU, because you are comparing yourself to others.

I have seen countless online articles about how staying off of social media can actually make you feel HAPPIER and boost or reboost your self-esteem. I’ve tried staying off, and I was HAPPIER without it. Now, I just take it all with a grain of salt, and am thankful for ME and what I have accomplished.

Okay, so before leaving for today, I would like to point out today’s featured product, which is the following book, Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken. This book explores the process of addiction. Craig Nakken brings new depth and dimension to our understanding of how an individual becomes an addict. Going beyond the definition that limits dependency to the realm of alcohol and other drugs, Nakken uncovers the common denominator of all addiction and describes how the process is progressive.

Through research and practical experience, Nakken sheds new light on:

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The author examines how addictions start, how society pushes people toward addiction, and what happens inside those who become addicted. This new edition will help anyone seeking a better understanding of the addictive process and its impact on our lives.

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I could be on the subject of social media all day, but alas it is time for me to go. But before I do, remember to value YOURSELF and what YOU bring to the table. You would be amazed how much you do.

All the best as always!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Part 3 – Staying Present (at least as much as possible)

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Greetings again, my fellow Mind Benders! (Maybe that’s a better way to refer to everyone – LOL)!

Today’s post is to give sort of a summary of what we have been talking about for the last two posts – the past and its effect on mental wellness. As the title suggests, these “final thoughts” are not so final as I could blog on this topic for EONS! There is just so much to say about the past and its effect on us.

So, one of the things I can say about the past is simple: Try and stay focused on the present moment. It is such a difficult thing to do, for me anyway. I am always caught up in the past on some level every. Single. Day. Perhaps we all are. For me, all it takes is music, a specific song for example. And the next thing I know, there I am again back in the past remembering whatever I was going through at the time, or what the song means to me, what it represents, or what event I associate it with.

For example, the song “You’re The One” (for me) by SWV brings me back to 1996 and the man I thought was the love of my life, Javier Muro. The feelings, the emotions, the love I felt for him all returns when I hear this song. I am immediately transported back to that time of being with him. This song and my obsession with him was a part of me for such a long time!!! And even without me playing the song, I was still swept there to yester-Javier-year LOL HOWEVER, I began to realize that it wasn’t healthy for me to do that all the time. I had to learn to what, what? STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT!

I have said it before, and I shall state again some of the things that I do to stay in the present moment:

1. Meditation. Meditation helps me to focus. I have an ENTIRE morning routine that I go through, from prayer, to mindful meditation, to journaling, to Wonder Woman spins. Yes. Wonder Woman spins.
2. Writing. Writing is EXTREMELY helpful for me. I am writing now, of course, blogging. I am also writing a web series/screenplay, which is so much fun for me. Blogging has become lots of fun for me, as well.
3. Playing a musical instrument. I play the trumpet, clarinet, and the flute. Unfortunately, I need to get my clarinet and flute repaired, but I still have my trumpet. Now, when I play my trumpet, I cannot help but get focused on those hard high notes I sometimes have to play 🙂
4. Exercise. This is actually my LEAST favorite thing to do; however, believe it or not it actually works for me. I know it works for a lot of people.
5. Being around friends/people. You cannot help but get caught up in the present when you are around friends, at least it works for me. Of course, with the pandemic, it makes it a bit challenging. But there is Zoom, of course. And whenever I do something on Zoom, magically the past is simply not there, because I am focused on whomever I am with on Zoom.
6. Sitting outside. I LOVE nature and the sun and sitting on my patio. What I will do is focus on the trees, the weather, the sun, my patio railing, the patio furniture — anything my eyes can see whenever I am on my patio.
7. Sometimes I will simply say “stay in this moment.” If it is a good moment, most definitely I tell myself that, even if it is when I am driving. Rather than get tangled up in the past, I just focus on whatever I am doing at that time.

These are just a few things I do to stay in the present moment.

And in summation, I am not saying not to revisit the past. However, if you especially feel that remembering the past is making you feel sad, or down, or longing and/or wishing things had been different – ESPECIALLY with a relationship – then just breathe, reframe, and try refocusing. See if it works. If not, try something else. By all means, let me know what works for you in the comment section below.

But before I go, here is a link to the featured product of the day:

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It is time for me to say ta ta for now. Till the next time!

Be mentally well!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Part 2 – The Bad

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thank you!

Hello, my fellow imbalanceds (I hope it is okay to refer to you that way. Hey, ain’t no shame in our game)!

As promised I am back with another blog post about THE PAST and my thoughts on how dwelling on it can cause mental imbalance.

The last time I checked in with everyone, I was discussing the GOOD past and my opinion on how even dwelling on that too much can create an imbalance. (Please check out my blog post entitled The Past and Its Link to Mental Imbalance.)

Now, onto the “bad” past.

And let’s be honest, this is the WORST kind – the bad past – because this definitely can flood your mind with all sorts of horrific and distorted images (like the one at the top of this page).

I think it goes without saying that consistent dwelling on the “bad” or negative past can be extremely harmful to your mind. For example, I have ALWAYS replayed certain confrontations with people, be it with family or friends or even strangers, where I am constantly reliving it and getting angry all over again over something that occurred yesterday, last week, months ago or even years ago. My brain, for some reason, just won’t let it go. It’s as if I can fix whatever happened eons ago and give it a different outcome, typically an outcome in my favor. But of course, I cannot. It’s the whole “I wish I had said this” or “I wish I had done that” type of thing. I think you all feel me on this one. We have ALL been there.

I do not like conflict of any kind. So, it is not unusual for me to have an instant replay or loop going on in my head all the time over it.

Negative experiences in my life have caused me to do this instant replay. I see the experience in my mind all over again. I see the people involved. I see the images, the faces, the places, the circumstances, all of it. Over and over and over and OVER in my brain until I feel like I am going to fly into a rage or collapse with pure anxiety. It is as if it is happening all over again! It’s awful! So, as you can see, it is NOT doing me any good.

But how does one get unstuck from this? Well, as I suggested in the last post on the good past, I try focusing on the present moment, either whatever I am literally doing at the moment or just the wonderful things I have going on. Also, when I start to go there and relive that bad past, I simply say STOP! Or ENOUGH! And that usually gets me out of it.

Another thing I do is to distract myself. I play my trumpet. I write. I BLOG LOL! I watch TV. Ain’t no shame in my game, as these are some of the things that shake me out of that instant replay. What works best for you??? Feel free to let me know in the comment section below.

Also, starting today, I will be featuring a product on my blog posts. Just simply click the link below. Today’s featured product is a book entitled High: 6 Principles for Guilt-Free Pleasure and Escape by Jodie Gould.

https://www.hazelden.org/store/item/321133

All creatures naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. And when just feeling okay isn’t enough, people (and many animals as well) often seek or even crave something more—to feel high. For millions of years, humans have used alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs to help them feel better, elephants have sought out fermented fruit, and cats have rolled ecstatically in catnip. At the same time, people have found alternative highs without mood-altering substances, through the joy of natural activities such as play, creative expression, and bonding with others.

Thank you for reading this latest post! I will see you all on TUESDAY!!!!

As always,

be mentally WELL!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

PART 1 – THE GOOD PAST

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. My blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thank you!

Greetings all!

Tonight I am going to delve into … THE PAST! Now, this is probably going to be a long post, because this is such a broad topic. So, there may be multiple parts to this.

I really do believe that the past definitely can influence your present, especially if you are constantly dwelling on it. It can affect your personal relationships, your attitudes, your job, your family, how you move and operate in the world, who you are as a person. And the list, of course, goes on and on. Needless to say, your past can shape who you are currently.

I will be completely honest and admit that I am ALWAYS dwelling on the past, whether it is my good past or my bad past. And yes, it has shaped and molded me into the person I have become. For example, and without going into too much detail, certain experiences from my past have caused me to be much more of a direct person. I am no longer afraid to say no or to question things, whereas in the past I was very afraid to speak up. However, because of negative outcomes from keeping my mouth shut, I realized that it was not serving me at all. So, it was much better for me to stand up for myself and “speak my mind,” so to speak. So, those negative experiences from the past most certainly shaped me today into speaking up when I feel that it is necessary.

But what happens when you get stuck in the “good” past? Now, let me give you a more specific example from “my past.” 🙂

Wayyyyy back in 1981, I was in the 9th grade. The way our school was set up, the 7th, 8th and 9th graders were all grouped together at the same school, and the 10th, 11th and 12th graders were at the high school. So, in my county in North Carolina – Anson County – that’s the way it was. The freshman 9th graders were not placed with the sophomores, juniors and seniors, the way it is done now.

Now, the most driving force and great source of joy and happiness for me that year was the BAND!!! This will have to later be a separate post in and of itself, because there is MUCH to highlight there. But I will just summarize and say that my band experiences that year were beyond AMAZING!!! We were the talk of Anson County and even beyond. Our marching band signature song was Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust,” and that entire year EVERYONE wanted to hear us play that song, even when we were no longer in marching season!

We did all of our normal concert performances – the Christmas and Spring concerts, etc. And we also did Contest, or it is probably referred to now as Festival, where you are competing against other groups. Well, we went and received a SUPERIOR, the HIGHEST ranking!!!

We didn’t stop there. We performed at the Country Club, a couple of times, which was a HUGE deal and honor!

But wait. The REALLY big, huge deal came in 1982 when our beloved band director, Mr. Kelly (May he Rest in Musical Peace) decided that we should go to the 1982 World’s Fair then in Knoxville, Tennessee. So, we raised the necessary money by selling BBQ plates, and off we went. Unfortunately, we didn’t place, and we were EXTREMELY upset and sad over it, but Mr. Kelly offered us the best pep talk ever and everything was fine after that.

However, all good things must come to an end. And thus, my 9th grade year was officially over following the World’s Fair since we went in June of 1982, the 10th through the 12th. I even remember the dates!!! LOL And afterward, I honestly felt depressed when I look back on it. It was over. It was gone. And no offense to my other beloved band director, Mr. Davis, from both my 8th grade and my sophomore through graduation from high school, it was just – well, lackluster. We didn’t do any of those things we did when we were in the 9th grade. Sure, we did the normal parades and concerts and we even went to the Shrine Bowl, and I did have a lot of fun, but it just wasn’t the same.

And even many, MANY years after that as an adult I would often look back fondly on those years with great nostalgia and longing. I was OBSESSED with being in that band. It was the GREATEST moment of my life!!! And all the other great moments following didn’t seem to be as great as my time in the 9th grade band.

So, to tie it all together, I dwelled on this past all. The. Time. It was a good past, but is it healthy to even dwell so much on something wonderful that happened in your life? To be honest, I don’t know. I suppose it can be unhealthy in a way, because you are not focused on the present, which is something I am learning more and more from the New Age gurus LOL

I think it is okay to revisit that good past from time to time, but not to dwell on it, because you ARE missing out on the potential good things happening in your life in the here and now. I spent sooooo much time focused on this wonderful part of my past, that I did lose sight of the other wonderful things around me. Fortunately, I went on to some other WONDERFUL band experiences and other experiences, overall, in my life! I still look back fondly (as I just did LOL), but it is no longer the focal point of my existence.

Well, this is getting long. So, we will have to continue this on FRIDAY!! Where I will then dive a bit more into the BAD or NEGATIVE past!!! Boo!! Feel free to comment below. And thanks for listening!

Stay mentally well,

Derek