Category: mental health and well-being

Well, I am back — much sooner than expected! So, hello dear friends!

As promised, I wanted to do a continuation from yesterday’s post that started off talking about my mini “breakdown” on Monday. And I had begun talking about my VERY strange dreams. So, let’s dive into my dream world!

This dream is from last week some time, but I remember it as if I had it last night. It started off at night here in Atlanta, where I live. It was Valentine’s Day, which of course has not happened yet. I was walking the streets of midtown Atlanta where I have done a LOT of hanging out. I finally came upon my destination, which appeared to be some sort of fancy and expensive department store, which there is not one in midtown Atlanta. Mini malls yes, department stores, no. What made this one particularly interesting was there was a man there waiting for me!!! Yes, yes, YES! (Of course, it had to be a dream! LOL) I could see him through this large window. The man was actually a character from the soap opera I am writing: Detective Juan Carlos Rivera from my soap “Fabulous and Gorgeous.” I have always imagined Mexican actor Demian Bichir portraying him. He would be PERFECT for the role. So, right off the bat that should let you know that both Juan and Demian are EXTREMELY handsome!! 🙂

Anyway, I see Juan (I will refer to him as the character rather than the actor), through the window. He is lying naked on a divan. I enter the store, and he beckons for me to come to him, which of course I do. I get on the divan with him, and of course pretty soon I am naked, too. We start making love, and basically for the whole world to see since it is front of that window. When we are finished, he gives me flowers, candy, and a ring! He proposes to me, and I accept, OF COURSE! I feel so happy in this dream.

And then it gets weird, which is of no surprise. We do get married, but there wasn’t an actual ceremony that I recall. And then I was working, going from store to store late at night picking up items, which was my job. I almost want to say that I was on some sort of security team where all I had to do was go from place to place at night to make sure it was secure. As a matter of fact, there was someone who was chasing me from one place, and I apprehended them, and they went to jail.

Well, the dream continues, and suddenly Juan and I are in Washington, D.C., which is where I lived for the first five years of my life. And DEFINITELY where I had a lot of NIGHTMARES!!! Turns out we were living with my family in a HUGE mansion. But they weren’t actually my family. They were other people I quite frankly didn’t recognize. I believe I had a brother and a sister and an aunt. (In my real life, it is my parents, my younger brother, and my aunt who helped raise me). The point is it was a “good family,” and they were very, very rich. There were servants walking around!

Anyway, we were at dinner, and Juan mentioned that he didn’t think any of my family liked him. My “mother” said that wasn’t true. They just didn’t think that me and Juan were a good match, and my “father” had to admit that it had to do with socioeconomic reasons. And Juan admitted that he really did love all of them, even if they didn’t like him. My parents could not help but be moved by that. And I felt so happy in my dream that he said that. Awwwwww!!! And I need to mention that at this point, we had been married for years.

Now, in terms of mental health – marrying a man like a “Juan Carlos Rivera” has ALWAYS been a fantasy of mine, and it is most definitely tied into the show I am writing. And what does THAT say about me? That I am not happy in my waking life since I don’t have a man of my own at all, and I haven’t in a long, long time? Like a lot of single people who long for companionship, I suppose I just deal with/live with it. But that dream sure did feel good, and I do feel like it helped my mental state. I woke up absolutely ECSTATIC! After all, we are still in the middle of a pandemic and separated from each other. So, the desire for companionship is certainly something a lot of us crave. And yes, that damn Valentine’s Day is coming up!! The candy and balloons have been out since after Christmas!!! Ugh!!!!

So, this seems like a great place to end. BUT I will come back the next time with another dream post. This time the one about my father trying to kill me!!! YIKES!!!

Stay well, my friends! Till the next time!

Hello, friends! I do hope your New Year is going well. And again, it has been a while since I have posted. But I am back! I promise, promise, PROMISE to post much more. I am still in the process of setting everything up so I can drive as much traffic to my blog as possible. This is part of the reason why I haven’t been posting as much as I did in the beginning. I am still studying how to put all of this together LOLOL

At any rate, let’s dive in.

So, as the title suggests I have had a few mini WTF moments, mostly with dreams. As I have stated in earlier blog posts, I would also be covering dreams. And boy do I have them. But first, let me cover the mini meltdown.

As anyone who is suffering from some form of mental un-wellness knows, it can be a daily struggle to just simply cope. Life does NOT make it easy by any stretch of the imagination. So, just yesterday I thought I was doing well. I said my affirmations (which I will cover in a later blog post). And one of the things I tell myself daily is to NOT LET THINGS, SITUATIONS OR PEOPLE UPSET ME. Well, yesterday, they did. LOL

I had a really, really, REALLY long workday, which is actually good, because I need the money, honey! LOLOLOL But I also realized that a certain component of my job bugged me, which was constant talking coming from a person in our group. This person is normally not part of my job. And I think that is what was irritating me. For a particular component of my job – and I am sorry, but I will not disclose what I do at this time for privacy reasons – I basically just sit back and observe and give instructions from time to time. Easy. And I LOVE my job!!!! BUT when you have an “interloper” come in and is trying to give instructions, as well, it can be a bit disjointed.

Well, when you add that on top of the fact that I absolutely ABHOR my living situation, PHEW! I am living with a longtime “friend,” who will NOT be a friend once we part, which hopefully will be in June. No. There is no hopefully about it. I am done. Without getting into all of the particulars, I moved in with this person back in late June of 2019. His habits are a bit strange, to say the least. I realize I have my idiosyncrasies. We all do. But I am also willing to compromise. This clown I live with is not. And after telling myself repeatedly not to let him bother me yesterday, he did. And he really didn’t even do anything. Let me explain further. You see, since the pandemic, he has been unemployed. For. Nearly. A. Year. I am the one who has always worked from home (and I still do thankfully), and his being here all the time greatly disturbs my peace. It really does. I have allowed him to upset me to the point of ME yelling and screaming at HIM. And I honestly don’t like that about myself. Something I am working on trying to change.

But yesterday, it got to me for some reason. So, hence the mini meltdown. However, I did not yell and scream. I did not throw things. I kept it to myself. Well, actually, a VERY good friend called me, and I vented to him. He, too, is going through a similar situation with his roommate. Well, I should say he is going through certain roommate problems. And I must say, I am EXTREMELY grateful that I am not going through what he is going through: The boyfriend is over ALL THE TIME problem. Ugh! I haven’t had to deal with that since college. (And we all know how long ago that was for me!!!) Ha!

So, at this point I am actually going to pat myself on the back for maintaining control and only venting to my good friend, who was – and has been – gracious enough to listen to me.

But coupling everything I have said thus far, I must include my intrusive thoughts. That didn’t help. So, what did I do? I pigged out and had a couple of glasses of wine. But I am still giving myself that pat on the back, because I kept it internal – for the most part, save telling my friend. I did not go off on my roommate, for example. Hey, progress, not perfection.

Now, onto the dreams. Needless to say, I have been having the longest and the strangest dreams. There was one dream in particular where it literally was like a miniseries. The ones last night had people trying to kill me!! Oh and there was the one last week where I dreamt my father was trying to kill me.

Before I go any further, I am going to say that I feel that dreams are a great insight into our mental health. So, what does that say about me if I am dreaming that people, particularly my own father, are trying to kill me???

So, let me split this post up and do another one on just the dreams alone. So, stay tuned …

Welcome to 2021. Well. This is the first post I have done in the New Year, mainly because I have been very busy. But also because – well, I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel that this New Year has been rocky thus far. And not very good for my mental health.

Backing up, the good news is that my current state of residence, Georgia, elected a Black senator and a Jewish senator!!! Yes!!! Both Democrats, which means that nasty Senior Majority Mitch McConnell is now Senior Minority! LOL I definitely love the irony there. The Democrats are now in control of both the House AND the Senate AND the Presidency!! And I am sure the Republicans don’t like that.

Speaking of, as many of you know by now on Wednesday, January 6, 2021, the day that Joe Biden was to be officially certified as the winner of the 2020 Presidential election, our U.S. Capitol was stormed by domestic terrorists claiming that Biden stole this Presidential election. Their aim was to “stop the steal,” which of course there was no steal. I don’t want to get into too much details, because I don’t wish to get into the habit of discussing political things on here unless it relates to mental health. So, I will end by saying that I personally was left with a feeling much like I had after 9/11.

First, of all I need to start by saying that my father worked for Pentagon for MANY years. He retired back in 2007. So, as you can guess he was there on that fateful day, on September 11, 2001. My family and I agonized over whether or not he was alive or dead. Numerous phone calls went back and forth. Well, trying to reach my mother in Washington, D.C. that day was impossible as we couldn’t get through. Anyway, fortunately of course, my father survived. But that feeling the day after — haha no pun intended – reference to the movie – that feeling I had was of loss. Despair. Uncertainty. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Again, loss. That is exactly how I felt on Thursday, January 7, 2021. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. And I realized in part, I didn’t want to blog or write or do anything. Oh and I was anxious. Cannot forget to throw that in there. After all, I do suffer from not only recurring and intrusive thoughts, but from GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am better today than I was yesterday. But it was really tough.

As you all know, good mental health is vitally important for us to survive, to carry on with our lives, to work, play, interact with others, etc. To simply live and thrive. Without it, we are lost. And on Thursday, January 7, 2021, I just didn’t feel like doing anything at all. I am sure many of you can relate. I simply had to take some deep breaths and find a way to carry on. Do I still feel some of that anxiety, fear, loss, despair, sadness, uncertainty? Yes, absolutely. BUT the thing about me is I have always had HOPE. Things WILL get better!!!

That is all for now. And to quote one of my favorite actors and motivators, Sylvester Stallone – “KEEP PUNCHING!”

Later!

First of all, I hope everyone has had a WONDERFUL and safe Merry Christmas! And Happy Holidays and Season’s Greetings! It has been WEEKS since I posted. And I promise, I shall not let that be the case from now on. I plan to get into a weekly posting, at least. But in my absence, I have been taking the GABA I talked about the last time. GABA is the neurotransmitter that allows thoughts to be suppressed and reduces anxiety and helps you sleep better and relax. And I would like to share my experience with it thus far.

Okay, so I started taking it on Friday, December 11, 2020. So, I have only been taking it for a couple of weeks. I decided that I would give it 30 days. I have seen some improvement with my thoughts, but then again it seems as though I have slipped. I have my good days and my bad days. But I will say this, my bad days seem to pale in comparison to the good days. In other words, I have better what I call the “good mind days.” Whenever I have a good mind day, I consider that to be a blessing.

And what do I consider a good mind day? A day when I keep the bad thoughts at bay. I am not getting stuck in thoughts as badly as I used to. I can actually “switch” or “change” the channel of my thoughts. This isn’t always easy as someone who suffers with intrusive thoughts will tell you.

I am going to continue to take the supplement, as I have actually seen a bit of an improvement in my sleep. I had been waking up in the middle of the night of couple of times, whereas I can now sleep through most of the night. I get up early anyway. So, this is definitely an improvement.

I feel my anxiety has been reduced as well. I suffer from GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So, this is a plus.

Again I am not a mental health professional. And I am not endorsing this product for profit. I will not get any money from talking about this supplement. Just FYI.

Now on to my mental health journal. I decided that it would be a good idea to begin one and keep track of my thoughts and severity, etc. I began it on Tuesday, December 22, 2020. I only have one , which I think is good, because that means I have been doing better overall. In my mind, I figured if I would just stick to entering only when I have a “bad mind day,” which is a day where I am having a tough time controlling my thoughts, or the thoughts are stuck, etc.

There is actually another entry the next day detailing coping strategies for when the thoughts are severe, which include:

1. Listen to music, particularly from the 70s and 80s!
2. Distraction of any kind — even if it is something as simple as paying attention to your draperies, the outside sounds, the couch, etc.
3. Do a scene! ( I am an actor. So, I will do something from the show I am writing)
4. Just stop. Stop everything and be still.
5. Take a nap.
6. Change the channel of your mind, so to speak.
7. Go to another planet. In other words, I imagine a planet where EVERYTHING is perfect and to MY liking. And I have EVERYTHING I want the way I WANT IT!
8. Go inside your heart. I have been practicing opening my heart chakra and manifesting from my heart (which I will gladly get into later).
9. I repeat to myself “I am calm and rational” over and over again.

Those are just some of my tips. These, of course, will be different for everyone. I suggest finding your own that work the best for you.

Thank you again for checking in, and I promise I will be back much sooner this time. In the meantime, please continue to enjoy your holiday!!

I cannot believe that I may have found an answer to an EXTREMELY Longgggg prayer!! Is it possible I have FINALLY found some relief from these horrible intrusive thoughts that have plagued me forever??? Let me explain …

In my consistent (and persistent) search for relief online – yes, ONLINE! And you know how that goes – I found a great article on GABA, which is a chemical in the brain that can be linked to intrusive thoughts. Actually, it is the lack of such a chemical, GABA, which is a neurotransmitter in the brain that helps in suppressing bad thoughts and memories. I always figured that it was a chemical, or lack thereof, that was causing my problems. See the link below:

https://m.hindustantimes.com/fitness/tired-of-unwanted-thoughts-scientists-find-brain-chemical-responsible-for-it/story-ErEEpfsUwN3oX5d5mXjBDM_amp.html

In further research, I found out that GABA is also a SUPPLEMENT that you can purchase from a drug store!!! Hmmmmm ….

Now, I am by no means an authority on the subject, but I am learning.

I hope this information is helpful to anyone who is a sufferer of this. I plan to try this supplement as soon as possible. I shall speak more on this subject later on … TA!

So. I did a thing this past Sunday afternoon. I decided to, for the very first time in my life, try martial arts. It is called Krav Maga. I had never heard of it, until my friend Peter told me about it about a year or so ago. That last part of the name – Maga – stopped me for a moment. For Obvious reasons. But nope. It isn’t that. Thankfully.

According to Peter, Krav Maga is a form of martial arts based on a composite of SEVERAL different fighting techniques from various and other martial arts forms. See link below for more detailed info.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krav_Maga

So, Peter did say that it is an Israeli technique where they had to learn to fight between houses that were so narrow that you could literally touch them both if you outstretched your arms.

My experience on Sunday: Well, I really didn’t know what to expect. We took his car and drove only a few minutes away from his house to a deserted park (which was perfect, because I didn’t want anyone to see me make a fool of myself – HA!!) But I was pleasantly surprised. Lesson 1 wasn’t that difficult. We started off with a LOT of repetitive footwork, which was fine with me. Then we went into some basic defensive moves.

And then he brought out the block mat thingy. (wish I had a pic of it. Maybe the next time). But it is a rectangle piece of foam that is about 20 inches long. Anyway, needless to say, this part was TOUGH for me. Let me explain. Because he had me hold it and then he proceeded to knee into it!!!! Oh. My. God. It was quite jarring. Now, he did have me do it to him while he held it. But I think I was kind of a wuss about it. Then we switched again, and this time he kicked into it!! Oh boy! I felt like my head was going to fall off!!

Then we later got into some defensive moves like if someone was going to choke you. I liked that part better. Not that I am into sadomasochism, but at least I wasn’t being kicked or kneed. LOL

All in all, we spent about two hours in the park doing this and more. He actually told me that I had power, which made me feel really good about it all. Some of the punching stuff I didn’t feel like I was hitting it – definitely – not as hard as he was. But overall, I really enjoyed it. He is a REALLY good teacher. He was very patient. He even gave me homework (I just hope I remember all of the moves) 🙂

Now. What the HELL does this have to do with mental health and fitness? I think it has a lot to do with it. First, of all it was a WONDERFUL relief and distraction from my mind and my intrusive thoughts. It forced me to FOCUS, which is always a good thing for my condition. And I was getting exercise and moving my body, which I do advocate and think is a fabulous thing, even if it is just for a few minutes. I didn’t think about my ruminations AT ALL. So, I think I’m going to keep this new thing in my life. We do it again in about two weeks.

By the way, even he had to agree that the rectangle mat thingy is tough and nobody likes it 🙂

Hello again, fellow bloggers!

As promised, I am going to delve into the dream world. The sleep kind, that is.

Now, I know there are people who do not remember their dreams at night. But I am one of those people who do remember my dreams, as they are quite vivid. I am going to start by listing my top three and some of my most prominent (and personal) and strange dreams, especially the recurring ones. So, here we go!

1. When I was a tyke living in Washington, D.C. – from 1968 to 1972 – I pretty much had the same dream every night: I was being chased by the dresser drawer in the room. That’s right. You read that correctly. First of all, I didn’t exactly have my own room. My bedroom was the living room (which ironically ended up being the same thing when I moved to Wadesboro, N.C., to live with my grandparents and aunt. And I just now made that connection as I never thought about it! LOL). Anyway, that tiny apartment on Georgia Avenue in D.C. only had one bedroom, which was my parents’ bedroom. I slept in the living room, which also had a dresser drawer in the corner. Now, why would that bother me? It is because to me it had a rather grotesque-looking face! I mean the way the thing looked, it had eyes, a nose, and a mouth! And a second mouth or lip at the bottom! And legs! (I have a picture of it, too!! I must post it here!) I even named it “Drawer.” At night, this thing would come to life in my dreams. It would slowly sway back and forth and then inch closer to my bed (or my let-out couch that folded out into a bed). Inching closer. And closer. And CLOSER! Until it “got me.” What do I mean by “got me?” It would tickle my back, which was the strangest thing!! But it was pure torture! I absolutely hated it! When I would awake in the middle of the night, I would normally go into my parents’ bedroom and end up sleeping on the end of their bed. I was a strange kid. Sometimes, my parents would put me back in my bed. The next morning, I would go on and on and on to my mother about DRAWER! I think she told me once she was worried about me and considered getting me professional help!
2. Oh and here is recurring/strange dream number two: Running away from home in Wadesboro (where I lived from 1972 to 1985. I left to go to Carolina in 1985 and would return for holidays and the summers). Now, I am not exactly sure when this dream started. I think it actually started AFTER I left there. Maybe it started in college or maybe later. But I don’t really recall dreaming that growing up there. I mean, maybe I did. But the scenario would go something like this: It was night. Sometimes my family – grandfather, grandmother, and aunt – were there. And sometimes not. Most times it started in the house, and then there is someone – or something – trying to get into the house. Or at least I think there is. Typically, I would end up leaving the house and either (a) go out the front door and go down the street, turn the corner to the left, down that street, which was Main, and go to the store where I used to stop off after school to play video games. (b) go out the front door and go up the street and turn the corner to the right and go down Catherine Lane and head towards Salisbury Street. (c) go out the back door and do sort of the same thing, but go through our backyard and go either to the left or to the right up or down that street, which basically all leads to the same streets — Salisbury Street. Why I would do that I have NO IDEA! And the dreams would be different with the exception of those details. Sometimes I am being chased by something or someone. Sometimes not. Sometimes it is dark. And sometimes it is actually broad daylight. Sometimes my family CHASES me out of the house! Sometimes not. There is something about that house …
3. But the main, MAIN recurring dream is of me FLYING!!!! That is the other detail from number 2. Mostly, I am floating/flying up or down the streets in question. Regardless, I am flying in my dreams and as high as possible. And sometimes to get away from people chasing me or from uncomfortable situations. I have been known to fly so high in my dreams, it is like I’m on an airplane! LOL I actually love those dreams, even when it is super, super high!

Okay, well there you have it! The start of my dreams, dreams, dreams! And I will be back with MORE dreams! Take care! And keep dreaming! (borrowed from Sylvester Stallone’s keep punching quote – ha!) 🙂

Hello, fellow bloggers! I’m back!

Been a little while since I posted something. I have been busy trying to learn WordPress and blogging and getting used to this new wonderful part of my life.

I must say there is a LOT to this!!! I am overwhelmed, but this time in a good way. There is absolutely so much to learn, and I am eager to do so. I am eventually gearing up to make money blogging. My vision is to have this as a stable (bill-paying) income, realistically starting off in the five figures per year and getting up to six figures and even seven figures!

Let’s face it, this BLEEPING pandemic has changed a LOT of things for all of us. Working and making an income is one of them. A great number of people have lost their jobs and incomes, which has caused widespread panic. Fortunately, I still have two of my jobs. I lost the third one earlier this year not due to the virus, but because I am a mouthy bitch LOL But digress.

First of all, there is problem – in my opinion – of having to have more than just one job. This is America, the RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD – remember????? Yeah, well rich for whom? The top 1% of billionaires, apparently. In the richest country in the world, NO ONE should have to rely on more than one job to make ends meet. That is insane!!!!!! You should have multiple sources of income YES! But not from jobs.

Secondly, all of this has me thinking that working from home is the way to go. To be more specific, having either your own brand or making your OWN income without that of a JOB – Just Over Broke -where you are always waiting for your money and are always at the mercy of the employer. BLEEP THAT MESS! It is time to change the thinking on all of that. Change the paradigm, as they say.

So, this is why I am taking up blogging and learning as much as I can about WordPress and Bluehost and everything I can about navigating the site and the ins and outs of blogging.

I wish to thank all of you for coming along with me on this journey. More later … perhaps tomorrow … tee hee

This blog is intended to discuss mental health issues. However, it is also designed to discuss me and my personal life. And one thing that I feel very safe and comfortable discussing are the BIZARRE dreams that I have almost on a nightly basis. And I have a tendency to remember my dreams, whereas most people do not. I will not start off this particular post discussing my actual dreams just yet. I just wanted to reach out by saying if there are some dreams you wish to bring up, this is the place to do it. I would like to start a forum for dreams.

Some people think dreams are just dreams. And there are those like me who strongly believe that our dreams are a window and an insight as to what is going on with us. This life and reality that we are living in is NOT EASY. Not by a long shot. There are so many beliefs and ideologies and people and just crap that it can really bog us all down. And I think one of the many ways the pressure of all of this can manifest itself is through our dreams.

So, I think my very next post is going to be one of my latest dreams. Heck, I may even reach back in the annals of my old, old dreams and tell one of those. One such set of dreams occurred when I was a toddler that was a — wait for it – a RECURRING dream.

So, stay tuned …

As I stated in a previous post, I realize that I have been suffering from recurring and intrusive and/or scary thoughts all my life. See my list below:

1. When I was a child, I was afraid that a dressing drawer in the living room, which is where I slept, was going to come to life and get me. As a matter of fact, I dreamt it about it practically every night. It would come to life and tickle my back, which was weird.
2. I became obsessed and also had nightmares about the movie “The Town That Dreaded Sundown” back in 1977. The white-hooded figure would “get me” in my dreams, by again tickling me on my back. Why the back?? LOL
3. I became obsessed with my height in my preteen years. I thought I was shorter than everybody else. I would stuff socks in my shoes to appear taller. I did this, I believe, from age 12 to about 15 or 16, I think. I was sick!
4. The biggie came next when I was afraid of being nuked! Yes, I was a teen during the Cold War of the 80s with the fear of nuclear war. And watching movies such as “The Day After,” “Testament,” and “Threads” didn’t help. To add to my misery, my parents and brother lived and still do live in Washington, D.C., which of course would be a target, if not the first target. Every visit there for the summer was pure torture for me. I was in agony.
5. I was in a cult and thought that I was blaspheming the Holy Ghost because of a song. Yes. I a song. A secular song called “Dangerous Man,” by my favorite group Culture Club. In the song, there is a lyric that goes like this: “Martin (referring to Martin Luther King, Jr.) had the Devil just like anyone can. But he spoke words they were frightened to mention.” This sent me into a tailspin, because I thought in singing this song all these years I had done something wrong!!
6. The other biggie which has haunted me since is when an astrologer told me in 1999 during a reading that I was bisexual.! My mind didn’t take this too well, considering I had been an openly gay man for the better part of a decade. This is the source of my biggest recurring thoughts today. The others have gone away.
7. But of course, I cannot forget the I-think-I’m-going-to-go-blind recurring thought. Why do I think this? Because of my eye floaters!!!! Needless, to say reading info on the Internet is NOT a good idea all the time.

I think this about covers it. I am sure there are more. I have kept a list. And I will be adding more to this. Now you know what I have been going through. More later …