As promised, I decided to talk about my OCD and the inner workings of my warped mind from the standpoint of if it was a person inside my mind/brain saying the most hateful, heinous, and nasty things to me. And I decided to name those intrusive thoughts, Ralph.
I chose Ralph, because for one, I think Ralph is such a dull, uninteresting name. It just sounds gross, actually. And I had an evil boss named Ralph, from way back in the day who tried to send me to prison for computer trespass. 😱😱😱. If you want details, just message me. 😉
Anyhoo, I think I started calling my OCD intrusive thoughts Ralph this past year. It helps me to identify which thoughts are actually mine. Do they belong to me? In other words, are these MY natural thoughts about what I need to do in a given day, thoughts about where my life is heading, thoughts about what to prepare for dinner, etc.? You know, normal thoughts.
Or OCD/worry-type/evil thoughts, such as “you want to stab someone, as in for real.” Or “what is it like to be blind?” or if you’re on a plane, “you know this plane is going to crash.” Or the negative what-if stuff. “What if someone breaks into your house and kills you?” “What if you just drove your car over Spaghetti Junction?” Shit like that.
So, basically it has been a continuation of the catastrophic/untrue thinking, that we all have. However, for those of us, we can get stuck in that loop I talked about previously, or that ridiculous rabbit hole. Now, we all know that this is called rumination.
Please check out the previous blog posts on the subject, listed below.
Ya know, I kinda look at Ralph as being The Blob, that 1958 movie starring Steve McQueen. Ralph is The Blob in that he contains all the garbage and scary, frightening and what-if thoughts all rolled into one. You see, The Blob in the movie contained all of its human victims, all rolled into one gigantic blob. Sorry. Spoiler alert. 😂🤣
Ralph just LOVES to keep me trapped in catastrophic thinking.
And we actually go back a LONG way.
Ralph was the one who told me that I would not live past a certain grade when I was a child. That kept me worried, but then I would get to that grade and then another and then another. Fortunately, pretty early on, Ralph stopped telling that lie, as apparently it wasn’t true. Heck, I even managed to make it all the way to 57! Hahahaha!
Ralph told me during the 80s, and at the height of the Cold War, that we were going to get nuked. He also told me that going to D.C., which is where my parents and brother live, was a BIG mistake. If you don’t already know, when I was growing up, D.C. is where I spent my summers. It was fall, winter and spring living with my grandparents and aunt and attending school in Wadesboro, and then up to D.C. for the summer. And yep, Ralph, kept telling me that I was going to hear sirens signaling a nuclear attack, any minute now…
When I was in the cult (from 1985-87) in 1986, Ralph also told me that I had blasphemed the Holy Ghost because of a certain lyric from a Culture Club song called “Dangerous Man” from their album Waking Up With the House on Fire – “Martin had the Devil just like any man can.” You see, Ralph convinced me that because Martin Luther King, Jr. was a Man of God and, therefore, filled with the Holy Spirit, that I had damned myself for all eternity because I was always singing that song, since according to the Bible, all sins can be forgiven except for blaspheming the Holy Ghost. The preacher of said cult convinced me that this wasn’t true. Ralph also convinced me to throw that tape away, because it was secular.
So, after DECADES of this kind of thing and a LOT of research on the subject of intrusive thoughts, I am learning more and more not to pay attention to Ralph and his nonsense. Because that is exactly what it is, NONSENSE. ‘Oh that’s just Ralph.’ ‘Ralph is here today, so no need to worry. He is trying to scare me.’
And that is exactly what he is trying to do.
So, labeling and naming these thoughts Ralph has actually been a tremendous help.
In further research on this, I have learned that it is the brain’s way of actually trying to protect you, as strange as that might sound. It is the fight or flight response, but gone completely and totally haywire. It is sort of the brain’s way of trying to protect you in case of an emergency or a catastrophe. However, it can become very problematic and bothersome, as in my case, and in the case of millions of people.
I think I handle mine pretty well now. It has not caused me to stop what I’m doing or keep me from doing something. I REFUSE to let Ralph do that.
I’ll give a recent example. Last month when the assassination attempt happened to that thing that wants to be a dictator, there were reports that the far right would try and retaliate. And one of the places they would try would be the gay bars. Well, the attempt on the orange baboon occurred on Saturday, the 13th of July, and I went out on that Sunday as I normally do, to the Atlanta Eagle. Well, Ralph went into overdrive saying things, such as:
“You probably shouldn’t go. You’re gonna get shot up.”
“What if someone bombs the Eagle? It’s not like people haven’t set off bombs here in Atlanta before, and you were living here at the time when those happened!”
“You’re gonna get shot, bitch!”
I hope I have made myself clear about what I – and so many others – go through. It isn’t easy, but manageable. And if necessary, therapy may be in order.
Before you depart, please check out what I have at the Derek Store!
Thank you so much for coming back. Please stay tuned next week when I tackle something EXTREMELY important to me, and that is how gays have been portrayed on TV and in films. Ooooooooo!
But until then, please stay safe and as always, mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Okay, so I could not let any more time pass without mentioning the latest and heinous garbage the very compromised “Supreme” Court has allowed to pass.
You will have to forgive the rambling of this post, too, by the way.
Not gonna mince words with this one, as the title suggests, since yes, the “Supreme” Court (and I put Supreme in quotes as I certainly question their true authority and common sense in making these decisions) – has pulled some BS yet AGAIN!
Oh and please check out my previous Roe v. Wade post below:
And if you don’t know what I am talking about, then let me quickly catch you up to speed:
The SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States) decided to essentially give tRump, aka the Orange Shitler, immunity from prosecution if his acts are considered of an “official” nature, although that immunity is supposed to extend to current and future Presidents, as well.
In other words, SCOTUS is handing The Orange Shitler the power to get away with whatever he wants to do, even though it is “presumptive” that he has immunity from criminal prosecution.
In my opinion, it goes back to his statement way back in early 2016 when he mumbled “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters.”
DISGUSTING for a then-Presidential candidate to think, let alone even let roll out of his lying, hate-spewing mouth!!
And now, with this latest SCOTUS ruling, I suppose tRump can LITERALLY do it now and yes, get away with it.
But then again, President Joe Biden should be able to do the same thing, RIGHT?
However, we all know the SCOTUS decision is slanted towards Orange Shitler. And gee, now why in the world would Fake Tan Fat Ass need such a ruling or even need immunity from prosecution? Hmmm…
I also wish to convey that there would be no need to even uphold such a ruling if certain former occupiers of the White House were above reproach, which they are not.
As far as I am concerned, SCOTUS is saying the Orange Shitler IS GUILTY!!! Well, he is now a convicted felon, so there is that. And yet, he still remains on the ballot! 🤬🤬🤬 Another repulsive first in American history.
We all know that this is designed to give him the ability to take revenge on all of his enemies if he returns to the White House.
Is there a connection to our/my mental health?? You bet your mental imbalance it is!!!
People are now EXTREMELY terrified if NuHitler returns to occupy the White House! And they should be. This is absolutely unheard of, a very dismal first in our sad and pathetic American history, which by the way is hanging from a fragile thread as it is.
People demonstrate outside the Supreme Court in reaction to news that the court may be poised to overturn Roe v. Wade May 3, 2022.
CREDIT: Francis Chung/E&E News/Politico
My mental health has been fragile as it is, but now I feel like my OCD is off the charts. My mind is racing with catastrophic thinking, now more than ever. I am anxious and scared; however, I am not what I would say depressed. I mean, I still go on. I don’t think I have a flat affect. I probably have more of a scowl on my face, though. 😂🤣😁
Oh and I have not even delved into Project 2025, which now that I am thinking about it, may just end up being another post. But in the meantime, LOOK IT UP!! (if you haven’t already)
Personally, I feel that the proverbial rug has been pulled out from underneath my already wobbly legs in light of this horrendous and very corrupt SCOTUS decision. If that thing – the Orange-wannabe-dictator Herr Shitler gets back into the Oval Office, he will virtually have unchecked powers to do whatever he wants to do! Not to mention setting him up to be the dictator he has always dreamt of being.
And so, yeah, mentally I, and scores and scores of other Americans, are not doing well at the moment. Hell, there are other countries who are horrified by the SCOTUS act.
Our democracy and rights are being stripped away bit by bit. First Roe v. Wade and now this. And I am quite sure there is more to come.
And a federal court judge in Florida also just dismissed the documents case against Fat Boy as well! 🤬🤬🤬
By the way, I will not be discussing the most recent “assassination” attempt on that thing, because I truly believe it was staged. But moving on….
I am truly sickened and grieved and disgusted. I fear for our country, our democracy, and for all of us.
That’s it for now. Before you depart, please check out my Derek Store below.
Okay, rant over. Please return next time when the topic will be did I inherit my OCD from my grandmother (I apologize in advance as these posts were out of order).
But until then, please keep your head held high, stay safe, don’t give up hope, and by all means, stay mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
TRIGGER WARNING: SOME IMAGES MAY BE UPSETTING AND WELL… TRIGGERING!!!
Good Day, my friends!
Today I am discussing what happens when your mind gets stuck in a loop of intrusive and bothersome thoughts.
Lately, I have been talking about OCD and the rabbit hole of intrusive thinking, etc. So, I figured it was just natural to have a convo about what it feels like when you think the same thought over and over and yet over again. It is truly sickening.
Also, please click on the banner below to catch a glimpse of my most recent post about the rabbit hole.
It is all related, what I have been elaborating on, with regard to intrusive thinking and going down the rabbit hole of horrible thoughts, especially catastrophic thinking, etc.
Maybe it starts with something you see on television, something terrible in the news, for example. This time I’ll use the nuclear war example.
That lame-ass mofo Vladimir Putin says he’s going to blow the United States to Kingdom Come if he doesn’t get his way, especially with regard to Ukraine. Blah. Blah. Blah. And blah.
But then you start GOING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE of WHAT IF he does follow through with his lame threat? After all, you have been hearing all about the END OF THE WORLD, and/or the Bible and Revelations and the END TIMES, and NOSTRADAMUS’s predictions, etc., etc. and etc.
So, your mind latches onto this thought of WHAT IF it finally happens this time. And oh shit! I DO live in a major U.S. city like New York or Atlanta or L.A. or Miami or Dallas or you know, just a big-ass metropolitan city.
You start thinking about hearing it on the news that Russia has gone and done it and launched a first strike.
This is it. This is the end. Well, in your mind anyway.
In your mind, you see and hear the people panicking and running in the streets. You think about seeing the bright light right before it all ends.
Or maybe you think WHAT IF you survive this catastrophe?
You think about how you will probably NEVER see your loved ones and friends ever again.
You are all alone, perhaps like Mr. Henry Bemis (the wonderful Burgess Meredith) from the Twilight Zone episode, “Time Enough at Last.”
You imagine the radiation eventually making you sick. You lose your hair. You lose weight because the food is now contaminated. You don’t have access to clean water, and the air certainly isn’t clean.
You’re a goner.
And think about how this goes on and on and on in your mind all the time now, day in and day out. Every single day this thought crosses your mind. In one horrific, terrible LOOP.
It is like a sick tape or recording that you just cannot shut off. It SUCKS, too! Because you feel out of control and that you cannot stop it.
This is called rumination, which again, I discussed in my rabbit hole post. So, begging your pardon if I am repeating myself. But this is vitally important for me (and others) to get an understanding of why this happens.
So, let’s see if we can find out what causes this ruminating.
I hate to say this, but nobody really knows what causes this. All I can tell you is that the ruminating is a subset of – WAIT FOR IT – OCD!!
And underlying anxiety, depression, and even phobias are some of the main culprits of causing your mind to go into this endless loop.
Also, my new favorite for us catastrophic thinkers – the UNCERTAINTY of life itself!!
Maybe by ruminating we feel we can control the outcome of said event or catastrophic thought.
Or maybe we are just trying to understand why we are thinking what we are thinking. I know this is part of my big problem with my own looping. I am forever trying to understand why I am thinking that terrible thought.
But it never works. You will forever be STUCK in this LOOP of frightful bullshit if you try to figure out your own thoughts and mind!
In the ruminating, you are trying to understand the how’s and the why’s of the looping. You feel that if you think about it long and hard enough, you’ll find the answers as to why and, therefore, be able to stop it.
However, that is not how it works.
You see, the more you ruminate or give in to the loop, the more bothersome the thoughts become. In other words, they will just keep coming back like some annoying gnat or fly.
As a matter, many experts say to not even try to stop the thoughts!
At any rate, all of this excessive thinking, ruminating, looping can create a great deal of anxiety, depression, and turmoil within the sufferer.
How to stop or at least manage the looping thoughts.
It boils down to telling yourself that your thoughts are just, well thoughts. They have no basis in fact or reality, even if it is something that could possibly happen.
You have to learn to tell yourself that you are safe, no matter what. That nothing bad is happening to you or will happen to you.
Your thoughts cannot hurt you!!
And most importantly, breathe.
And again, if necessary seek treatment.
Or you can check out some CBD products at the Derek Store, which might be helpful in helping you to relax and reduce your anxiety. Click below!
Thank you, as always, for stopping by. Please return next week when the topic will be the Supreme Court!! That’s right. The “Supreme” Court. So, you KNOW it’s gonna be a dilly! LOL
Until then, please be safe and MENTALLY WELL!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I hope your summer is going along swimmingly! And coolly! 😁😂🤣🔥🌵😎🆒
Today, I want to talk about going down the rabbit hole, almost like from Alice in Wonderland. However, this is more of we don’t really wish to do that. But then again, did Alice?
And what do I mean by going down the rabbit hole? Well, first of all, it is a term I picked up from work when dealing with our medical students or learners. We don’t want to lead them down a path that doesn’t have anything to do with the case we’re portraying. Or that isn’t important or may lead them astray from their real purpose. Make sense?
Also, going down the rabbit hole can be a good thing, if you are thinking good or fun thoughts. And for me in my writing, going down a rabbit hole with certain storylines is actually a wonderful and fun thing to do.
I have now been using the term “the rabbit hole” in my own life, but in my case, it pertains to my INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. So, when I say to myself ‘Derek, don’t go down the rabbit hole,’ I mean do not allow your thoughts to take you down the path of negative or catastrophic thinking or anticipatory anxiety thinking. Don’t go there. Don’t go down the rabbit hole.
This has been a long journey, battle and war between me and my mind. EVERY DAY I struggle with intrusive thinking, be it unwanted sexual thoughts, catastrophic thinking, etc. It’s like my mind isn’t my own.
A negative, horrible thought will pop into my mind, such as ‘You want to go blind. Or you’re going to go blind one day.’ And sometimes I will create these horrible WHAT IF scenarios in my head about ways it could happen.
And the whole blindness OCD (yes, there is such a thing. And I am learning that I am not the only one who suffers from it), started years ago when I did a search ON THE INTERNET (yep, Ye Olde Purveyor of Potential Doom and Gloom) on eye floaters. And reading that, though harmless and normal, that if you get enough floaters all at once, it could be a sign of retinal detachment, which COULD lead to blindness!
Well, then my mind WENT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE of ‘Oh my God! I’m going blind!’
This would go off and on in my mind for a while, and then there were long periods when I wasn’t bothered by these thoughts at all. But now they’re back, and because I also study krav maga, a form of martial arts, now the blindness OCD is taking me down the rabbit hole of WHAT IF in sparring with someone or actually fighting, you lose your eye??? And that turned into what if someone PURPOSELY blinds you? Which turned into then ‘sounds like you WANT to experience being blind!’ It’s HORRIBLE!! Because nothing could be farther from the truth.
But this is what I mean by going down the rabbit hole, particularly of catastrophic thinking. How one simple thought can turn itself into a disaster!
And this doesn’t apply to just blindness. Obviously, it can be ANYTHING you may find distasteful, horrid, abominable, unimaginable, etc.
Another example, was the rabbit hole I took myself down during the 80s during the Cold War. You know the one where we Gen Xers lived in constant fear of nuclear war.
Every time I would set foot in Washington, D.C., home of my parents and brother, I would imagine getting nuked. Any major city I found myself in back then, I was deathly afraid that nuclear war would break out, and I would get vaporized, the same way those poor people did in the 1983 movie The Day After.
And the same occurred when I was told by an astrologer that I was bisexual!!! This was back in 1999, and I was an out and proud gay man even then (and still am DUH!). I knew full well who I was. (Oh and by the way, this same astrologer predicted that soon New York, D.C., Atlanta, and other major cities would not be here due to NUCLEAR WAR!)
Back to the bisexual bullocks, after he told me that, my mind went down that rabbit hole of ‘Oh my God! My life is a lie! I actually am SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!’
So, my mind took me down the rabbit hole of every time I would see a woman, I would think ‘Do I want to go to bed with her? Do I want to have sex with her?’ For a long time I just didn’t want to be around women for fear of seeing something in them that would make me think I’m sexually attracted to them. I went down horrible, little rabbit holes thinking of sex acts with women, that I didn’t want to think, but my mind took me there anyway. And I was also “checking” to see if I was attracted to them. So, I would see if the thoughts would “get a rise out of me” if you catch my drift. And they NEVER did.
So, it is disturbing to think that our minds can do something like this to us, especially an obsessive mind – a person suffering from OCD.
The act of ruminating is the same as going down the rabbit hole. You allow your mind to take you there, and it really is very hard to get out of it. You are stuck in that loop, which I will be talking about next week.
The deeper you go, the harder it is for you to come back to reality.
As an example, you hear about a break-in in a friend’s house. The friend is okay, but several big-ticket items were stolen. After hearing about this, you start ruminating or going down the rabbit hole of what if it happens to you?
You start to realize that your dwelling may not be as secure as you thought.
Then you start imagining WHAT IF someone breaks into your house. What if they aren’t just satisfied by taking your stuff? What if they wish to harm you and/or your loved ones? What if they KILL YOU??
(Notice “what if” comes up a lot!)
You begin investing in home security, perhaps even placing cameras outside your home.
You get a gun. Or five.
But you still worry and obsess CONSTANTLY about being safe in your home.
But it just doesn’t stop there. You begin obsessing about whether you are safe in public. You are now in constant worry and fear over something bad happening to you whether it is at home or work or anywhere.
Perhaps this is an overexaggeration, but I think you get where I’m coming from.
Your mind just won’t stop. It won’t let the thoughts go. It is stuck in your head, and you are thinking about it and ruminating and obsessing over it again and again and again. And yet AGAIN!
Congratulations! You are now down the rabbit hole! And believe me, this is nothing to congratulate anyone over.
And it is easier said than done NOT to think about whatever it is you are obsessing over.
But how do you treat this if you cannot get out of the rabbit hole?
Here are some things that help me:
Meditation.
Practice mindfulness, where you are just in the moment. For example, if you are outdoors, observe the trees, the nature, the cars passing by, buildings, etc.
MUSIC!!! I am telling you this REALLY helps me!
Distract yourself. Play a game. Read a book. Listen to music. Watch TV.
There is a therapy trick called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, in which you expose yourself to the thing you fear. Give it a shot.
I tell myself ‘NO! I REFUSE to go down this rabbit hole! This isn’t real. This is not my experience. I am staying ABOVE the rabbit hole!’ Or something along those lines.
And of course seeking professional help is not a bad idea, if you are really stuck and trapped down the rabbit hole. And yes, it can even mean medication.
Above all, don’t give up hope. Stay grounded, always.
Now, before you go, please check out my Derek Store.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I talk about how the obsessive mind gets stuck and gets into a loop of intrusive thinking. And until then, please be safe and, as always, mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
This week, as promised, I wanted to delve into what I believe is the true basis of my OCD.
Before I delve into this, I want to make a blanket statement that this post is in no way, shape or form designed to denigrate or be angry with my beloved Grandmother Costella, the wonderful lady who helped to raise me.
I see now that she was just as much a victim as I was.
Also, to give further context, I have ALWAYS suffered from horrible intrusive thoughts stemming from OCD, anticipatory disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and LOADS of catastrophic thinking.
All my life, I just didn’t know what it was. But after EXTENSIVE and EXHAUSTIVE research, yep that is what I suffer from. And I know, I know. Some of you are perhaps thinking I am suffering from the WebMD syndrome! LOLOL
But the symptoms fit. And I have seen therapists who have told me the same thing.
I have gone from the Dark Victory Syndrome of am I losing my memory?
To the current blindness OCD or fear of going blind (and this one did start with an WebMD search)!
And every other OCD-related trigger in between.
Well, honorable mention to the threat of nuclear war/the Cold War thingy of the 80s.
The intrusive thoughts began to manifest themselves in college, when I was in the cult.
So, enough of my mini background. On with the actual show.
Miss Cos
My grandmother Costella was such a worrier. For being someone so strong, self-assured and having a very strong belief in God, she was a bit nervous. Okay, a LOT nervous.
These are just SOME of the examples of growing up with grandma:
When I was a little Derek, whenever I was playing outdoors, Costella would often come out on the back porch and SCREECH my name!!
“DEREK, WHERE ARE YOU? STAY WHERE GRANDMOMMY CAN SEE YOU!!!!”
She was just so afraid, for some reason, that something was going to happen to me. Maybe she was being extra careful or cautious since I wasn’t her child, and she knew she would never hear the end of it if something happened to me on her watch.
And then I became a teen. When I was first learning how to drive and even after I had gotten my driver’s license and she would make me take her to get groceries or to church (mostly at the insistence of my grandfather, because he was a jackass and okay, okay, because he needed a break since there was now another driver in the family. He just went about it the wrong way). But anyhoo…
I would drive, with my grandmother in the passenger seat, and talk about a backseat driver. 😂😂 Whenever I would brake to slow down or stop, I could feel her foot pressing into the floorboard of the car on her side. She thought she, too, could control the car! 😁😁
She would DEFINITELY tell me to slow down. Or to move. Or to stop, etc. It was very frustrating and nerve wracking for me, who was not the most comfortable driver at that time. And ANY driver will tell you they don’t appreciate hearing from the peanut gallery about their driving habits.
Also, how many times did I hear “Be careful” before leaving the house as a child, and especially as a teen when I was driving?
Later in life, I began to exhibit some of the same fears, albeit for the most part, I kept them to myself. However, my mind constantly played out all sorts of disastrous scenarios, including hypochondriac thoughts, such as Moe Howard in character below. 😁😁😂😂
Dr. Douglas Bloch, who is a depression and life coach (he can be found on YouTube) calls it being “nervous in the service,” where you are scared of EVERYTHING. And that certainly described me as a child.
This describes my grandmother to a tee. And again, for someone who supposedly had such a strong faith in God, it was just odd to see her be so EXTREMELY “nervous in the service.” She worried about EVERYTHING! She worried about her children and grandchildren, including my little brother, particularly when he came to visit in the summertime.
And I know she was concerned and loved us. However, looking back I could tell how much SHE suffered!
You witness this over and over and over, I have to wonder if it doesn’t become ingrained in you, despite doing everything in your power to fight against it. I told myself multiple times that I wasn’t going to end up like my grandmother in that regard, but I did.
I finally feel like I am rising above it, though, or at least I am trying to. And RALPH doesn’t make it easy. Ralph is what I call that intrusive thinking/OCD part of my mind now. No doubt very soon, Ralph will be the subject of one of my blog posts. 😉
THE TRUTH!
I now know the real reason, or at least part of it, behind Miss Costella’s neurosis. It was my grandfather. And I revealed that in a previous blog post, too.
He cheated on her. That’s right. I lived a lie in my household on 1002 Montgomery Street. There were numerous fights, yes. BUT I didn’t know that my grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother and sired not one, but two other children outside of his marriage to her.
So, I could see whenever he would leave the house, she would be afraid or nervous that he was going to go see the other woman. Which he probably did.
In the end, this isn’t to blame my grandmother. I am not mad at her at all. This is about my healing and understanding. And understanding her even more. As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her. I am so sorry for what my grandfather put her through. I can see now how he really destroyed her in so many ways. And how he destroyed all of us.
But in the end, he isn’t going to win! And there is much more to Costella’s rich legacy than HER intrusive thoughts!
That’s it for today, but before you go, please check out the Derek Store!!
Please return next week when the topic will be how your mind takes you down a rabbit hole in terms of your intrusive thinking. So, until then, please be safe and, as always, MENTALLY WELL!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Today we are talking about how a good job can actually promote good and sound mental health. And of course, I have got to go there and talk about how a bad one can do the exact opposite. I should know. I’ve been there, and I’m sure you have, too.
You have in mind the perfect job for you. You research and research AND RESEARCH until you’ve found said job. You submit your application/resume, etc. and cross your fingers and hope and pray you land it. You are surprised when you actually either get a call or an email saying they wish to interview you. You are beyond ecstatic. You agree to an interview date, have the interview, and everything seems to go well.
Perhaps you still have to wait a bit to hear back or maybe you land the job on the spot during the interview. Either way, CONGRATULATIONS! You got the job!
You are so nervous when you start. But you are so happy to be there. Maybe you show up on your first day a little early. After all, you don’t want to take any chances of being late. Anyway, you meet your new boss or bosses and new team. Everyone seems friendly and nice. And after a few weeks, it turns out they really are.
You enjoy the work, the friendship and camaraderie of your team. However, you realize that everything isn’t perfect on the job. Maybe there is an aspect you don’t particularly care for. After all every job, even the good ones, has a part that you may not care for, but still don’t mind doing. However, you realize you STILL enjoy the job overall. And the people.
This continues until the next thing you know a year or two has gone by, and you are in heaven! And why? Because of the overall positivity of the workplace, which is not faux positivity. The overall atmosphere is very warm and welcoming, with no drama. The morale is VERY high! There is no gossiping. Okay, perhaps a little fun gossip, which I think is normal in any workplace. But it isn’t the type of gossip that is malicious or hateful.
You even go out to lunch with your coworkers. You all have such fun together. Heck, even the boss goes, because the boss is so much fun to be around. And you realize they are just a regular person like you. The boss has your back, and so do your coworkers.
Perhaps there is even a little socializing outside of work.
There are holiday parties and fun little gatherings. Everyone just clicks very well.
You find that you actually have FUN at work, while doing your job.
Casual business team laughing during meeting
And everyone stays in THEIR LANE. No one, other than your boss, tries to BE your boss.
Your performance reviews are always EXCELLENT! And get this: The company wants to know how THEY are doing! That’s right. They ask you to evaluate THEM!
Your ideas are accepted or at the very least, considered without mockery.
You LOVE to go to work! Or at the very least you don’t mind. And this continues. Oh and your boss and coworkers actually care about you as a person, as a human being. They value your input and your time there. This is actually how it is. You have never been happier in your life. And if you are waiting for the buts, there are none!
You sleep well at night. Your other relationships even get a boost. You WANT to be at work.
But what does all of this do for your mental wellbeing?
You have a boost in self-confidence.
Great self-esteem and self worth.
Feelings of belongingness.
A feeling that you are doing and achieving something good.
You are contributing to something.
Overall, you feel good about yourself.
You are simply happy.
Now. Let’s re-run the first part of this post from the top. All the way up to the part where you land the job, and it is your first day. But with some slight differences. Tee hee.
Everything starts off fine on your new job. The people seem friendly enough, and your boss does, too.
But slowly over time, you begin to see little, subtle shifts. For example, maybe your boss seems to be absent from work. Well. A lot. You also notice a shift in your duties, as in you are now getting extra duties normally relegated to your boss, but you are not getting their pay or at least anything extra.
Those nice workplace friends? Well, they are starting to show their TRUE colors. One turns out to be a bully, who wants his way at every turn. He says mean-spirited and malicious things, even during team meetings. And it turns out there are several coworkers who are afraid of him, including the boss; therefore, they side with him, thereby displaying their true loyalty.
The gossip in this place is off the chain! People are gossiping about each other. They gossip about the boss. And they are even gossiping about you.
Your ideas are shot down and you are humiliated and questioned over them, like you are being interrogated.
Arguments begin to break out, and constantly while at work. Mostly, you are a witness to it, but sometimes you are also involved. And nine times out of 10, it involves the workplace bully.
It gets so bad that maybe there are meetings with HR to act as mediator, but even that doesn’t help or solve the problem. It descends into pure hell to the point that you now HATE to go to work! Morale is VERY low!! The atmosphere is EXTREMELY negative and highly TOXIC!!
And suddenly people are saying to YOU that “you act like you don’t want to be here.” Excuse me, but neither do they! Pot? Kettle? And why would you want to be at such a horrible place surrounded by horrible, disagreeable people?
You come home every day completely and totally drained and tired. You wake up in the morning still tired from the previous day. You DREAD going to work. Your drive to work is a nightmare, because of your constant thinking and overthinking about how you have to deal with your toxic coworkers. And simply how you are going to get through another day.
Your overall relationships with others begin to suffer, because you are now CONSTANTLY talking about how much you HATE your job!
Instead of the positive feelings from the above list, you instead feel:
A tremendous drop in self-confidence.
Low self-esteem and self worth.
Feelings of not belonging.
A feeling that you are not doing anything worthwhile and achieving nothing of importance.
You are not contributing to anything, because your ideas aren’t appreciated or taken into consideration anyway.
Overall, you feel bad about yourself.
You are simply unhappy. Very unhappy.
It goes without saying that I have had my fair share of shitty jobs. I encountered basically every negative scenario described above, and some of those assholes had THE NERVE to tell me that I acted like I didn’t want to be there. And I didn’t. Who would want to be surrounded by such hateful c****, er I mean such negative drama? 😂🤣.
So, my mental health deteriorated to the point that yes, I began acting out. I became as rude as some of my coworkers. I don’t know if my self-esteem plummeted or not, but my anger sure rose to new heights, again, to the point that I displayed my disdain for my workplace. I was a mega bitch. And even when I was written up, I was STILL a mega bitch. I know for sure one of my alters took over, the calm yet icy one. LOLOL
In the end, do you really wish to sacrifice your sound mental health for a paycheck? I have finally learned that I do not. I will simply walk out. After all, now I have multiple jobs to choose from! 🤣
Remember, there is help for you if you are encountering the negative job and/or things you can do. I know it is easier said than done to quit and look for another job.
However, this is what I say if you do decide to stay. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Set clear boundaries with your coworkers and even your boss, if necessary.
Tell your rude coworkers that you will, in no uncertain terms, be disrespected by them EVER!
One thing I wish I had told some of my rude coworkers, especially here in Atlanta, that “I am NOT one of your Atlanta, hoodrat, ghetto friends. Therefore, you will NOT speak to me as such!” BOOM!!
When you leave work, leave it THERE! Do not take it home with you.
Do not accept extra duties without extra pay!
Treat yourself and OFTEN!! Perhaps a massage, pedicure, good music, exercise, and definitely good food! 😊
I know to some of you, these suggestions are no brainers. But to others, they really don’t know what to do. But now you do.
Oh and if you already have that dream job with the dream team, DON’T LEAVE!!! 🤣😂
In summation, a good job that cares, takes pride in their employees. They value them and very much want them there. I really wish I had learned the difference early on.
Now, before you leave, please visit the Derek Store. You never know what you might find. 😁😉
That is it for now. But by all means, please come back next week when the topic shall be “did I inherit my anxiety from my grandmother?” Oooooo! It’s gonna be a good one! So, stay tuned. And until then, please stay safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, everyone! Today’s post is designed to sort of poke fun at myself while admitting a TRUTH and at the same time also tying it back to mental health. So, wish me luck! 😂🤣😉
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST GETS DOWN AND DIRTY AND IS NOT MEANT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!! AND I MAY COME ACROSS AS A RAVING LUNATIC!! 🤣🤣🤣
But to quote Curly Howard of The Three Stooges – “I don’t care!” 🤣🤣
This is my I DON’T GIVE A FUCK post! I am letting it all hang out!!!! Total Stream of Consciousness.
So, you’ve been warned!!
Now. On with the show!
One of my favorite quotes from The Golden Girls is in reference to Sophia Petrillo. During the “Moonlight Madness” episode, several of the characters refer to her as “the mean old lady like the paper boy says.” And then finally Sophia admits it herself. 🤣😂 And I have now been saying that about myself, too! It cracks my friends up.
And the below song, by the FABU Annie Lennox, has sort of been my theme song. I have included it before. But please listen again!
Because I AM BITTER!!!! 😁😁😂😂
The older I get, the less I like people. Yeah. Much like Frieda Claxton from The Golden Girls. “I’ve got no use for people and never have.” 😂And I KNOW that I am not the only one.
Animals I love, though. ❣️❣️❣️Oh and I do love the elderly. Lots of wisdom to be gleaned there.
Anyway, that is how I feel now. I am not exactly sure how or where it all began. Hmmm but let me see if I can count the ways:
Being called homophobic slurs as a child (and as an adult) didn’t help.
My own family turning against me and criticizing me, particularly my grandfather, that didn’t help.
Teachers, classmates and so-called friends in secondary school turning against me and criticizing me didn’t help.
And let’s not talk about “The Church” and its hateful homophobic and misogynistic garbage and rhetoric.
And we won’t EVEN begin to delve into my romantic life. Or lack thereof.
Or the mean-spirited, hateful and loathsome people I have worked with over the decades.
The vicious roommates.
Working for certain companies and jobs that brought out THE WORST in me!
Being a part of a certain band that brought out the WORST in me!
Hateful, mean-spirited comments lobbed my way.
Oh and get over it? No, I think not. You can still be a BPQ (Bitter Prissy Queen) and be KIND and NICE. But ready to lob grenades on any other BITCH or BASTARD that tries to go there. 💣
Oh and by the way, if I am coming across as a victim, I DON’T CARE!! 😂🤣
These are MY feelings. Not yours. And I believe in expressing my TRUE feelings regardless of what others think!
I am a total bitch! I used to be nice. Okay, I’m still nice. 😉🤣 BUT because of the life circumstances outlined above, and not getting what I want – well… I know. I am sounding like a whiny, petulant child. But truthfully? I am tired of PEOPLE!! And social media doesn’t help, with all of the constant validation seeking and same tired posts and selfies. But not just social media. People in general with their bullshit and those who support TRUMP for some ungodly reason, et al. It all gets on my ever-loving nerves!
I am also sick and tired of people’s rudeness and lack of common sense and courtesy.
I am sick of SOME millennials with their holier-than-thou attitude and their thinking that they have all of the answers when all you have to do is say BOO and they are offended and crying. Literal tears. And acting as if they are so superior and worldly and their belief that they are reinventing the wheel and not realizing it is not about them. And for the record, my pronouns are:
None of your business.
Designed for those who are either transitioning or who are nonbinary. Fight me on this!
My pronouns are – ALL OF THEM!! I DON’T CARE. Address me by Derek. Miss Bitch if you’re nasty!! 😂🤣
Oh. And you don’t have the patent on what is respectful, courteous or politically correct, simply when a joke is a joke. People are so sick of you.
I am also a bitter bitch because of how I was treated growing up. How many BLACK people have come for me during my lifetime? So, let me make it clear and if you want to try and use this against me later, by all means please do. But I am not here for you either!
AND STOP USING YOUR TIRED RELIGION AND CHRISTIANITY TO WEAPONIZE GAY PEOPLE!!!
And str8 black men, stop acting as if gay men WANT YOU! Maybe the thug-chasing gay white males do; but nine times out of 10, the gay black queens don’t!!
And str8 black actors who refuse to wear a dress on stage, it is FUNNY! It is NOT about sexual orientation! It is COMEDY! Do you not realize that centuries ago, women were NOT allowed to do theatre at all? So, the male actors had to DON A DRESS! It has NOTHING to do with sexual orientation or emasculating your ridiculously fragile ego!
And yes, I am a SISSY, FAGGOT, PUNK and the novel with the title Confessions of a Sissy/Faggot/Punk WILL be coming forth. Ha!!
Ya see? In essence, this is what happens when:
You don’t get what you want.
You don’t get the man you want.
You don’t get the money you want.
You don’t get the toys you want. 😂
You don’t have the life you want.
You have been bullied and intimidated your entire life.
You are CONSTANTLY surrounded by STUPID PEOPLE!!
At the end of the day, maybe I just need some good old-fashioned sex! 😉😂🤣😁🤔
And a BPQ is all about her convenience. The older I get, the more I prefer to be at home with my creature comforts.
And I don’t think that I am mean. I just have strong feelings, opinions and thoughts I feel that perhaps should be kept to myself. 🤣😂
But I certainly feel safe stating them here.
The prissiness. Well, I can thank my homophobic classmates and former friends for that. Sissy. Faggot. Punk. I felt soooooo ashamed over being myself. And afraid to be myself. But now I go up and down those grocery aisles sashaying. Because I am a PRISSY queen!
But at the end of the day, I am so much fun and still loving, despite being a proud Bitter Prissy Queen. BPQ! ❣️ 🤣😂
A good friend has a t-shirt that says “Tomorrow is not promised. Cuss them out today!!”
Mentally how has this all affected me? Well, I turned into a BPQ because of all of the above!! 😂😂😂
But seriously, all of the homophobia lobbed my way (and my brothers and sisters’ way) made us all feel down on ourselves. We suffered from low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness. And please don’t say we all feel that way at times. I am talking about sexual orientation here. And I doubt very seriously the hets were made to feel bad over being hets.
That truly messes with your mind. It toughens you up, and yes, it can turn you into a BPQ. I don’t know what the lesbian antithesis of this would be. Oh hell, we’ll work on them next week. 😂
Mentally, you don’t have a choice but to toughen up. Perhaps I have taken it to an extreme. But I think not. It is just who I am. And as long as no one gets hurt.
That is all. Off of my soapbox. 😉
Now. Don’t you go away, ya hear? Until you’ve checked out the Derek Store by clicking on the banner below!
Okay. I’ve ranted and raved enough. Please come back next week when the topic shall be good jobs promote good mental health. Until then, please be safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Being a child was not the easiest either. However, there were no bills to pay. No responsibilities except for getting your homework done. And for me, practicing the trumpet. Oh and going to church. LOLOL
But now it is such a chore, bore, and a snore to be an adult, with all of the bills and the taxes and the responsibilities and the trying to get a job and keeping a job, etc., etc. etc.
However, I really want to go underneath the surface of my feelings surrounding being an adult who is now in their – GULP – late 50s!!
Now, I honestly feel very tired as a grownup. I feel everyday has turned into a hamster wheel of the same-old TIRED routine.
I eat the same TIRED food.
I see the same TIRED faces. 😁
I do the same TIRED things.
You get the picture.
And I am sure some of you are saying, “well, perhaps you need to change things up a bit.” “It is up to you to make your life more exciting.”
And you would be correct.
But perhaps the biggest dread of being an adult is our MORTALITY!
Getting older means you are closer to the grave.
Of course, we are all going to die someday. The thing that I have always found distressing is we don’t know the time or the day or the when or the how. I mean, if we came to this world knowing all of that, would we do things differently?
I don’t want this to turn into a post about death, because that is not what I’m really driving at here. It’s just the blah (and anxiety) of adulthood. And that certainly includes dying one day.
And then there is the sheer heaviness of it all, which can be so mentally draining.
There have been times when I have felt unsure, lost and very disconnected from my body. From my life. And just out of place. And disconnected from reality and people. I have felt just weird and strange.
I don’t believe this is depression, because I suppose I refuse to believe that I am depressed. However, this feeling that I have experienced before, I wasn’t sure what to call it until now, the existential dread of being an adult. 😂😂😂
Because I think there is a lot of heaviness, anxiety, and disappointment surrounding adulthood, too.
Annie describes that feeling perfectly in this song.
Sometimes I have felt like a heavy boulder was weighing me down. But why? Is it because I think something is missing in my life?
And this is also where my age comes into play.
I am now 56 years young. And at this stage:
I ain’t got no man.
I ain’t got no money.
I ain’t got no career. 😂🤣
So, I am grappling with all of that, too.
Again, there is the pressure to succeed, to pay the bills, to pay the rent, to keep gas in the car, food on the table – you know, all the shit I described in my previous post on how being an adult really sucks.
But it is also the fact that I don’t have all of the things in my life that I feel I deserve. Yes. DESERVE!! Those items that I listed above.
And it is awful to feel as if you are stuck in mud or trying to pull yourself out of quicksand, and that you don’t have in your life what you truly want.
One of the ways that I have dealt with this feeling, this existential dread is by affirmations. That’s right. You have to be living under a rock if you haven’t heard of affirmations by now. Affirmations or the state of affirming what you want or have, is when you tell yourself POSITIVE things. For example, I used to feel that I couldn’t accomplish something I want, I now tell myself that I can. And I am. I tell myself on a daily basis that I feel good, that I am happy, that I am living in the present moment, that I can handle what comes my way.
This has certainly helped me with that heaviness, that dreaded feeling, the existential dread of being an adult with all of the responsibilities, etc.
And I now just won’t allow life or life circumstances drag me back into that feeling of being stuck in mud. Heck no!
Please check out what I have for you at the Derek Store before exiting!
Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I finally just come out and admit that I am nothing but a miserable, old prissy Queen!! 😂🤣🤣 And much like Freida Claxton from Golden Girls! 😁😉
So, until then, please be safe and MENTALLY WELL!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dearest friends!! Spring has really sprung, and I couldn’t be happier! 🌿🪴😁
Anyway, I am going to keep this post short and sweet (yeah right) and light and airy. I want to talk about what writing means to me, and how it helps my mental health.
I don’t know if it is the clickety clack of the keyboard as I type, or putting my thoughts down in written form, or creating horrid situations for my most beloved characters – but I TRULY LOVE and ENJOY writing!!!
I honestly cannot stop writing. It has become such a regular part of my life, my routine, my existence. That to suddenly stop would be strange and leave me feeling empty.
I am most certainly not the best at it, but I feel this power in creating. I feel that since I cannot control everything that happens in my life, I can at least control what happens in the lives of my characters.
I rather enjoy putting things and people and places together and seeing the outcome.
And one thriller screenplay, one horror screenplay, one TV series, and an entire miniseries later! 😁🤣😂❤️ And I cannot forget my blog, of course, which has now entered its FOURTH YEAR!!
Writing has definitely helped my fragile mental health. I can pour out my strongest feelings in the written word, especially when it comes to my blog. I can tell the world how I REALLY feel WITHOUT judgment. I can call out people and institutions that I find rather distasteful. I can call out actions of others that I find deplorable. I can vent about the current world we are living in. And it is truly freeing!
I can even reexamine my past through a (hopefully) more mature and adult lens.
And all of this indeed helps my mind and my attitude.
Improvements in mental health, et al
I feel better about myself after a really good writing session. I feel accomplished and worthy. My writing even lowers my stress. After all, I can kill people in a script and get away with it. 🤣😂
I even think writing helps to raise my confidence, especially when I share it with the world. So, this is where the blog comes in.
I have been told by people that they ACTUALLY have read and like some of my blog posts. I even had a friend and coworker tell me that one post was spot on of what was going on in her life. She said it resonated with her so strongly that she had her husband read it!! POWERFUL!!
I think because of this ongoing blog and my children’s book, I now have the courage to showcase my writing to the world. So, this summer, I intend to start submitting my screenplays to contests! Stay tuned…
The Pen is Mightier… And All That
I enjoy writing so much, that I still write in hand with my trusty pen. For example, I STILL keep an Oprah-style gratitude journal, and I have been journaling steadily for over 23 years now!! And boy have I documented some shite! 🤣🤔😉
I find such joy in detailing my day to day life in those journals. I have now amassed several for each year, documenting not only my five – actually now 10 things – I am grateful for, but I also document what happens in my life.
And sometimes I enjoy returning to the past and seeing and remembering what I was up to back in the day by going back and rereading old journals! Ooooo and my eyes sure do burn from reliving my antics! 🤣 One of these days I am just going to pour a really good stiff drink 🍹🍸, and have a great time reminiscing over all of those fond – and some not-so-fond – memories.
In summation, I am most certainly going to keep writing, whether it’s my journal, my blog, my screenplays, TV series or miniseries. Viva my writing!!
Now, you know you don’t wanna split until you’ve visited the Derek Store to see what new goodies I have for y’all! 😂
So, that’s it. Short and sweet and light and airy, as promised. 😉😁Please come back next week when I go hard and heavy on the existential dread of being an adult. Don’t miss this one either!! Until then, please stay safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another round of putting that mental imbalance in check! LOL
It is no secret that I definitely have the weirdest of dreams. Even I wake up sometimes thinking ‘now where did THAT come from?’
So, I will try to remember some of the craziest in the last month or so. And I know. I know. I should be writing these down. But I do have a pretty good memory for my dreams, whereas others do not.
Yes, Heart. THESE DREAMS (of mine!) 🤣😂😂😱
First, I am going to tell each dream. And then after the list, I am going to give my analysis of each. Just let the titles be your guide
Derek Gives Birth!
The most recent was me giving birth or rather, me having a child. It was a male infant, who suddenly became a teenager. My Mississippi family, my mother’s fam, were featured prominently in the dream. I recall my cousin Michelle and her mother/my Aunt Edna being there. I think my mother was there, too. We were in a house, but I’m not sure where. Anyway, my teen son confronted me and told me in no uncertain terms that I did not want him. Whoa! Plus, the father was nowhere in sight.
2632 Georgia Avenue
I am not sure if the baby dream was the same night as the following, but I dreamt that I was back in my old apartment in Washington, D.C., 2632 Georgia Avenue, which is now a nightclub. 🍸🍹😂 Fitting. 😂 My parents were there, too. I don’t believe I was a child, though. The most telling part of the dream was that the entire apartment was empty, yet we seemed to be living there. And I got the impression we were poor.
The Scary Old Mansion
Every now and then, I will have this dream where I am in a huge, old house, which is like a mansion. I seem to know all of the rooms, and the house seems to go on forever. The other interesting thing about this house is the backyard, which seems to be unkempt and even deadly. Yes. Deadly. It is quite vast, and there are lots and lots of bugs back there, especially flying insects, including bees. There are these statues that are very old. I want to say there is a huge chasm in the ground that is very wide. I recall lots of vines surrounding the house. But the most telling, again, is that backyard, which is so terrifying.
1002 Montgomery Street Revisited
Now, speaking of houses, I must mention that I STILL dream about the house I was raised in, the one and only 1002 Montgomery Street in Wadesboro, N.C. (that my father sold out from under my aunt). Yeah. I said it. In my dreams, the house takes on sometimes frightening dimensions, especially the exterior. The most recent dream I had was going out my front door, which now seems to mostly be at night. And it’s almost as if the house is trying to keep me inside of it. OR I am not supposed to go outside, because there is sometimes this forcefield that keeps me from opening the door. And when I am able to open the door, there are these deadly plants that almost prevent me from leaving the front porch. In this last dream, it was a huge Venus Flytrap, with VERY sharp teeth. (Can we say Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors – “FEED ME, SEYMOUR!” — Yes, and I played the plant voice in a stage production wayyyyy back in the day!!!) But I digress. I was able to stay out of its way. And sometimes when I am able to make it to the road, and let’s say I try to go down the road, there are these plants or trees that impede me. And this is even in the daylight. It is not always like this, but beforehand when I dream about the house or in particular the street itself, I was always able to go up or down it with no problems. But it seems that now when I dream about the street, I am impeded in some horrible way. Oh and there is always this feeling that I am trying to escape…
Back to UNC!
Ah yes! The Carolina dreams! I used to dream a lot about being back in low school. Well, you know it as HIGH SCHOOL. But now I am dreaming more and more about my time at Carolina. I think the most telling part of my Carolina dreams are that I am definitely back in school, and I am trying very hard to attend my classes. BUT I don’t always seem to make it in time or I miss all together. In my dreams, I keep telling myself that I am going to study harder and do better, and I feel like I am doing much better, yet I feel like I have missed too many classes, and I am going to fail. The other telling part of the dream is my change in residence. One minute I am in a dorm. The next minute I am in an apartment. And it also appears that I have been staying more at the apartment than the dorm, and that a lot of my stuff is still back in the dorm! I return thinking my stuff has been thrown out, but it’s still there, but sometimes in another dorm room. Another interesting part of the Carolina dreams are the structure of the class buildings. They suddenly turn into something straight out of Ancient Rome LOL It’s like I am back in Europe, but very lost trying to get to class, which I never make. Also, there is a carnival-like atmosphere to the Carolina campus, filled with fun rides and lots and lots of food stands, oh and even rollercoasters!
Derek, Let Your Hair Grow
My hair dreams. Okay. For those of you who know me personally, you know my hair is normally short and cut close. However, right now my hair is much longer. Normally, I do not let it get to this point. As a matter of fact, I sometimes refer to it as my pandemic hair. 😂😀 The reason I decided to let it grow out is in protest of the fluctuating SUPPOSEDLY colder, “winter” temperatures. I do plan to get it cut, as soon as the weather decides it wishes to be warm FOR REAL! But I digress. In my hair dreams, my hair is MUCH longer, down to my shoulders and almost down my back and to my butt! And more often than not, I am female! Truthfully, I have always wanted long hair. When I was a kid, I used to put a towel on my head, walk around the house, and say I was a “Girl! Girl! Girl!” I know I mentioned that in an earlier post. Needless to say, my grandmother and aunt didn’t like it. Oh. Well.
The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere)
I often dream about stairs. Sometimes they are going up. And sometimes they are going down. And sometimes they just don’t lead ANYWHERE! And sometimes they are not even connected, to the point where it is nearly impossible to climb up or down! So, strange!
2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2
These are the bloody steps that haunted me!!! At least they now have lights to light the way! 😂
I have already mentioned 2632 Georgia Avenue in Washington, D.C. However, I need mention it again, the recurring part of it. I STILL dream about that place, and trying to leave mostly. More often than not, I am walking down those steep red steps. Sometimes I am running away from something or at least I feel like I am. (When I lived there, dreaming about that damn dresser drawer in the living room where I slept coming to life to get me is reason enough to try and escape!!) In the dreams, it is mostly nighttime. However, sometimes they are in the daytime. And I am quite often either trying to go down Georgia Avenue or go up Georgia Avenue. And it is as if I cannot go but so far in either direction.
D.C. on My Mind
And speaking of D.C., I have noticed that the D.C. dreams don’t always start in the old apartment. Sometimes, I am way up Georgia Avenue and I am trying to get back to the apartment. Or I am way down Georgia Ave. trying to return 2632. Or it’s night, and I am lost somewhere in D.C. and I am trying to get to my parents’ current house. These dreams normally take place at night. Sometimes I am successful in finding my way back (considering I have the worst sense of direction in the world), but more often than not, I am not able to get back there.
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!!
Well, I may as well go there and mention the sex dreams. I will try and keep it as PG as possible for certain readers. 😱😉😁
There is no other way to put this except to just say it, because we’re all adults here: I dream about performing oral sex on men. A lot of men. Sometimes several men at the same time. It is also not unusual for me to dream about penises without male bodies coming out of nowhere for me to do my thing with. 😁😱😂😱😱😄🤣
And more often than not, the penises will then have muscular men attached. I normally don’t know who the men are or I can’t see them. But the sex is fantastic!! I also dream about seeking men to have sex with, strange men. And most of the time, I am indeed successful. Sometimes it is penetrative sex where I am being penetrated, and sometimes I am doing the penetrating. It is all wonderful!!
Derek’s Analyses
I will try to make these short and sweet, but you know how I ramble. 😄
The “Derek Gives Birth” Analysis
First of all, I have dreamt of either being pregnant or giving birth before. And I have been told before, by an Uber driver en route to the car dealership once (don’t ask), that I was trying to give birth to something, like a career. She said it was as a motivational speaker. Um WRONG! However, I have also been told the same thing by others I know. When I told the dream to one of my good friends recently, she asked what it was I was trying to give birth to. I don’t think it is a physical child, obviously, though I am certain I was a mother MULTIPLE times in previous lives. I feel that I am indeed trying to give birth to my creative ideas and to my writing and acting career. The part about my teen son telling me I didn’t want him could be reflective of the relationship between me and MY mother. I used to feel that maybe she didn’t want me, but I don’t believe that’s true based on our conversations surrounding the topic. And in the dream, my mother was there. The fact that no father was in sight says to me that I am on my own. But it also says that heck, I’m single. 😂🤣
2632 Georgia AvenueAnalysis
This says to me that perhaps I will ALWAYS have a connection to that place since I used to live there. Also, the fact that it was bare could just simply be the fact that a nightclub has now taken it over. Or it could be the dismal feeling I had when I lived there, with all of my nightmares, et al. The part about my parents being poor is laughable since they are far from it! But I am! Poor that it is. 🤣 Or truthfully, it could be that the entire dream represents a facade of the happiness I thought my parents had, which they really didn’t and still don’t. That could be the emptiness/poverty part of the dream. I don’t think it has to do with money at all.
The Scary Old Mansion Analysis
Honestly, I think it is perhaps a past life thing. I think either I owned the mansion OR I worked there as a servant. The significance of the decrepit nature suggests to me that it WAS indeed an old mansion, and that perhaps when I lived there I was old, again either as the servant or the master. Also, it could also suggest that everything there was decaying, not necessarily the place, but the feelings, emotions, and the people there. I think something terrifying happened there, hence, the insects, etc., which could signify death and decay. And maybe there were dead bodies there. The chasm could represent a deep divide between the servants and the master and others living in the mansion. Perhaps the master (me) treated the servants horribly, which would explain why people in my current life try to treat me horribly. 🤔😔
1002 Montgomery Street RevisitedAnalysis
Truthfully, I have no idea why I am now dreaming that the shrubbery and greenery surrounding my FORMER house and my former street are trying to kill me. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a green thumb like my grandmother Costella and maybe because I have inadvertently killed many a plant in my day. 🤔😂🌿🪴 But whatever it is, I would guess that it has more to do with the house than the street. I think I experienced so much pain living there that it’s like trying to keep me inside the house, whereas I wish to escape. It’s like the plants are guarding that house. Or I am wondering if the greenery is representative of my grandmother who DID have a green thumb and always kept a garden. Perhaps she wants to keep me in that house, because she was always overly protective of me, to the point I felt it was a bit over the top, hence the Venus Flytraps and deadly plants.
Back to UNCAnalysis
I remember reading somewhere that college dreams mean you are on a higher plane, a higher level of consciousness. And believe you me, I have been trying! LOL I have been dreaming more about college than high school lately. And this time in my college dreams, I am really trying to do better than I did way back in the day at Carolina before becoming a music major. I am wanting to do well and put my best foot forward, whereas my first two years at Carolina, I sort of goofed off. And then again, I was in that stupid cult. In my current life, I am more ambitious than ever. I am NOT goofing off when it comes to my Derek “stuff.” I am desiring to do the very best I can. I feel like I am making up for lost time by being extremely focused and dedicated. I am being an overachiever during this late stage of my life. 🤣😂 I think the carnival part of it signifies the fun I did have while at Carolina.
Derek, Let Your Hair GrowAnalysis
I am trying to remember what that actually means. Pardon me as I look it up. Here is what I found at the top of Google. 😊 Long hair in a dreamsymbolizes femininity, sensuality, and beauty. It can also represent freedom, power, and strength. Alternatively, it may indicate a desire for change or a need to let go of something. Think about the context of the dream and how the long hair made you feel. The femininity is spot on as I am gay, but more importantly I KNOW I was a woman in PREVIOUS lifetimes. I can also relate to the “freedom, power and strength” as I definitely desire freedom and more power in my life, but also I feel as though I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. Now, I am most desirous of change in my life, as I am sick and tired of the same old-same old every doggone day. And I, of course, need to let go of something, well actually a lot of things. But also I think my long hair may be representative of some of these past lives as women. And I just remembered that long hair can signify wisdom.
The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere)Analysis
I have read that stair dreams indicate the direction your life is going. So, if you are going up the stairs, that shows you are ascending in your personal life – you know, growing, becoming better, etc. However, the opposite is true if you are descending the stairs, you apparently are going down in life. And I have experienced both in my dreams. And I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out when the stairs go NOWHERE, as I have experienced in my dreams. The impossible stairs I have no clue as to what that could possibly mean. Could that mean the waking dreams I have in my life of desiring to be a writer and actor are impossible? Or I still think it is?
2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2 Analysis
I honestly believe the trying to leave the apartment signifies me trying to escape, trying to get the hell out of there. I hated and still hate D.C. with a fiery passion. I have NEVER liked that place, and my mother knows it because I constantly and still very often bring it up. 2632 was scary for me as I have outlined previously. D.C. is still scary to me. 😂
And it just occurred to me that perhaps the reason I keep dreaming about both D.C. AND 1002 Montgomery Street is that I am trying to escape my current life!!
D.C. on My MindAnalysis
Speaking of D.C., I really don’t understand why I would dream about the city itself unless it does have to do with my general unease and anxiety about the place, which could be reflective of the anxiety I feel in my waking life – sometimes. D.C. is just vast and huge, and I am not necessarily a fan of huge cities anymore. I find them intimidating, and I am quite often lost in my general D.C. dreams, like I am trying to find something. And perhaps I am just lost in my waking life, too. And I often feel that way.
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!! Analysis
I am just going to say the explanation and analysis are quite obvious: I need SEX! 🤣😂🤣 And I am very horny all the time. And I LOVE MEN!!!!!!! So. Enough. Said.
Please click on the Derek Store below on your way out the door. 😂🤣
That’s it for now. Please return next time when the topic will be the joy I find in writing. Until then, please stay safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
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