TRIGGER WARNING: SOME IMAGES MAY BE UPSETTING AND WELL… TRIGGERING!!!
Good Day, my friends!
Today I am discussing what happens when your mind gets stuck in a loop of intrusive and bothersome thoughts.
Lately, I have been talking about OCD and the rabbit hole of intrusive thinking, etc. So, I figured it was just natural to have a convo about what it feels like when you think the same thought over and over and yet over again. It is truly sickening.
Also, please click on the banner below to catch a glimpse of my most recent post about the rabbit hole.
It is all related, what I have been elaborating on, with regard to intrusive thinking and going down the rabbit hole of horrible thoughts, especially catastrophic thinking, etc.
Maybe it starts with something you see on television, something terrible in the news, for example. This time I’ll use the nuclear war example.
That lame-ass mofo Vladimir Putin says he’s going to blow the United States to Kingdom Come if he doesn’t get his way, especially with regard to Ukraine. Blah. Blah. Blah. And blah.
But then you start GOING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE of WHAT IF he does follow through with his lame threat? After all, you have been hearing all about the END OF THE WORLD, and/or the Bible and Revelations and the END TIMES, and NOSTRADAMUS’s predictions, etc., etc. and etc.
So, your mind latches onto this thought of WHAT IF it finally happens this time. And oh shit! I DO live in a major U.S. city like New York or Atlanta or L.A. or Miami or Dallas or you know, just a big-ass metropolitan city.
You start thinking about hearing it on the news that Russia has gone and done it and launched a first strike.
This is it. This is the end. Well, in your mind anyway.
In your mind, you see and hear the people panicking and running in the streets. You think about seeing the bright light right before it all ends.
Or maybe you think WHAT IF you survive this catastrophe?
You think about how you will probably NEVER see your loved ones and friends ever again.
You are all alone, perhaps like Mr. Henry Bemis (the wonderful Burgess Meredith) from the Twilight Zone episode, “Time Enough at Last.”
You imagine the radiation eventually making you sick. You lose your hair. You lose weight because the food is now contaminated. You don’t have access to clean water, and the air certainly isn’t clean.
You’re a goner.
And think about how this goes on and on and on in your mind all the time now, day in and day out. Every single day this thought crosses your mind. In one horrific, terrible LOOP.
It is like a sick tape or recording that you just cannot shut off. It SUCKS, too! Because you feel out of control and that you cannot stop it.
This is called rumination, which again, I discussed in my rabbit hole post. So, begging your pardon if I am repeating myself. But this is vitally important for me (and others) to get an understanding of why this happens.
So, let’s see if we can find out what causes this ruminating.
I hate to say this, but nobody really knows what causes this. All I can tell you is that the ruminating is a subset of – WAIT FOR IT – OCD!!
And underlying anxiety, depression, and even phobias are some of the main culprits of causing your mind to go into this endless loop.
Also, my new favorite for us catastrophic thinkers – the UNCERTAINTY of life itself!!
Maybe by ruminating we feel we can control the outcome of said event or catastrophic thought.
Or maybe we are just trying to understand why we are thinking what we are thinking. I know this is part of my big problem with my own looping. I am forever trying to understand why I am thinking that terrible thought.
But it never works. You will forever be STUCK in this LOOP of frightful bullshit if you try to figure out your own thoughts and mind!
In the ruminating, you are trying to understand the how’s and the why’s of the looping. You feel that if you think about it long and hard enough, you’ll find the answers as to why and, therefore, be able to stop it.
However, that is not how it works.
You see, the more you ruminate or give in to the loop, the more bothersome the thoughts become. In other words, they will just keep coming back like some annoying gnat or fly.
As a matter, many experts say to not even try to stop the thoughts!
At any rate, all of this excessive thinking, ruminating, looping can create a great deal of anxiety, depression, and turmoil within the sufferer.
How to stop or at least manage the looping thoughts.
It boils down to telling yourself that your thoughts are just, well thoughts. They have no basis in fact or reality, even if it is something that could possibly happen.
You have to learn to tell yourself that you are safe, no matter what. That nothing bad is happening to you or will happen to you.
Your thoughts cannot hurt you!!
And most importantly, breathe.
And again, if necessary seek treatment.
Or you can check out some CBD products at the Derek Store, which might be helpful in helping you to relax and reduce your anxiety. Click below!
Thank you, as always, for stopping by. Please return next week when the topic will be the Supreme Court!! That’s right. The “Supreme” Court. So, you KNOW it’s gonna be a dilly! LOL
Until then, please be safe and MENTALLY WELL!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I hope your summer is going along swimmingly! And coolly! 😁😂🤣🔥🌵😎🆒
Today, I want to talk about going down the rabbit hole, almost like from Alice in Wonderland. However, this is more of we don’t really wish to do that. But then again, did Alice?
And what do I mean by going down the rabbit hole? Well, first of all, it is a term I picked up from work when dealing with our medical students or learners. We don’t want to lead them down a path that doesn’t have anything to do with the case we’re portraying. Or that isn’t important or may lead them astray from their real purpose. Make sense?
Also, going down the rabbit hole can be a good thing, if you are thinking good or fun thoughts. And for me in my writing, going down a rabbit hole with certain storylines is actually a wonderful and fun thing to do.
I have now been using the term “the rabbit hole” in my own life, but in my case, it pertains to my INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. So, when I say to myself ‘Derek, don’t go down the rabbit hole,’ I mean do not allow your thoughts to take you down the path of negative or catastrophic thinking or anticipatory anxiety thinking. Don’t go there. Don’t go down the rabbit hole.
This has been a long journey, battle and war between me and my mind. EVERY DAY I struggle with intrusive thinking, be it unwanted sexual thoughts, catastrophic thinking, etc. It’s like my mind isn’t my own.
A negative, horrible thought will pop into my mind, such as ‘You want to go blind. Or you’re going to go blind one day.’ And sometimes I will create these horrible WHAT IF scenarios in my head about ways it could happen.
And the whole blindness OCD (yes, there is such a thing. And I am learning that I am not the only one who suffers from it), started years ago when I did a search ON THE INTERNET (yep, Ye Olde Purveyor of Potential Doom and Gloom) on eye floaters. And reading that, though harmless and normal, that if you get enough floaters all at once, it could be a sign of retinal detachment, which COULD lead to blindness!
Well, then my mind WENT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE of ‘Oh my God! I’m going blind!’
This would go off and on in my mind for a while, and then there were long periods when I wasn’t bothered by these thoughts at all. But now they’re back, and because I also study krav maga, a form of martial arts, now the blindness OCD is taking me down the rabbit hole of WHAT IF in sparring with someone or actually fighting, you lose your eye??? And that turned into what if someone PURPOSELY blinds you? Which turned into then ‘sounds like you WANT to experience being blind!’ It’s HORRIBLE!! Because nothing could be farther from the truth.
But this is what I mean by going down the rabbit hole, particularly of catastrophic thinking. How one simple thought can turn itself into a disaster!
And this doesn’t apply to just blindness. Obviously, it can be ANYTHING you may find distasteful, horrid, abominable, unimaginable, etc.
Another example, was the rabbit hole I took myself down during the 80s during the Cold War. You know the one where we Gen Xers lived in constant fear of nuclear war.
Every time I would set foot in Washington, D.C., home of my parents and brother, I would imagine getting nuked. Any major city I found myself in back then, I was deathly afraid that nuclear war would break out, and I would get vaporized, the same way those poor people did in the 1983 movie The Day After.
And the same occurred when I was told by an astrologer that I was bisexual!!! This was back in 1999, and I was an out and proud gay man even then (and still am DUH!). I knew full well who I was. (Oh and by the way, this same astrologer predicted that soon New York, D.C., Atlanta, and other major cities would not be here due to NUCLEAR WAR!)
Back to the bisexual bullocks, after he told me that, my mind went down that rabbit hole of ‘Oh my God! My life is a lie! I actually am SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!’
So, my mind took me down the rabbit hole of every time I would see a woman, I would think ‘Do I want to go to bed with her? Do I want to have sex with her?’ For a long time I just didn’t want to be around women for fear of seeing something in them that would make me think I’m sexually attracted to them. I went down horrible, little rabbit holes thinking of sex acts with women, that I didn’t want to think, but my mind took me there anyway. And I was also “checking” to see if I was attracted to them. So, I would see if the thoughts would “get a rise out of me” if you catch my drift. And they NEVER did.
So, it is disturbing to think that our minds can do something like this to us, especially an obsessive mind – a person suffering from OCD.
The act of ruminating is the same as going down the rabbit hole. You allow your mind to take you there, and it really is very hard to get out of it. You are stuck in that loop, which I will be talking about next week.
The deeper you go, the harder it is for you to come back to reality.
As an example, you hear about a break-in in a friend’s house. The friend is okay, but several big-ticket items were stolen. After hearing about this, you start ruminating or going down the rabbit hole of what if it happens to you?
You start to realize that your dwelling may not be as secure as you thought.
Then you start imagining WHAT IF someone breaks into your house. What if they aren’t just satisfied by taking your stuff? What if they wish to harm you and/or your loved ones? What if they KILL YOU??
(Notice “what if” comes up a lot!)
You begin investing in home security, perhaps even placing cameras outside your home.
You get a gun. Or five.
But you still worry and obsess CONSTANTLY about being safe in your home.
But it just doesn’t stop there. You begin obsessing about whether you are safe in public. You are now in constant worry and fear over something bad happening to you whether it is at home or work or anywhere.
Perhaps this is an overexaggeration, but I think you get where I’m coming from.
Your mind just won’t stop. It won’t let the thoughts go. It is stuck in your head, and you are thinking about it and ruminating and obsessing over it again and again and again. And yet AGAIN!
Congratulations! You are now down the rabbit hole! And believe me, this is nothing to congratulate anyone over.
And it is easier said than done NOT to think about whatever it is you are obsessing over.
But how do you treat this if you cannot get out of the rabbit hole?
Here are some things that help me:
Meditation.
Practice mindfulness, where you are just in the moment. For example, if you are outdoors, observe the trees, the nature, the cars passing by, buildings, etc.
MUSIC!!! I am telling you this REALLY helps me!
Distract yourself. Play a game. Read a book. Listen to music. Watch TV.
There is a therapy trick called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, in which you expose yourself to the thing you fear. Give it a shot.
I tell myself ‘NO! I REFUSE to go down this rabbit hole! This isn’t real. This is not my experience. I am staying ABOVE the rabbit hole!’ Or something along those lines.
And of course seeking professional help is not a bad idea, if you are really stuck and trapped down the rabbit hole. And yes, it can even mean medication.
Above all, don’t give up hope. Stay grounded, always.
Now, before you go, please check out my Derek Store.
Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I talk about how the obsessive mind gets stuck and gets into a loop of intrusive thinking. And until then, please be safe and, as always, mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
This week, as promised, I wanted to delve into what I believe is the true basis of my OCD.
Before I delve into this, I want to make a blanket statement that this post is in no way, shape or form designed to denigrate or be angry with my beloved Grandmother Costella, the wonderful lady who helped to raise me.
I see now that she was just as much a victim as I was.
Also, to give further context, I have ALWAYS suffered from horrible intrusive thoughts stemming from OCD, anticipatory disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and LOADS of catastrophic thinking.
All my life, I just didn’t know what it was. But after EXTENSIVE and EXHAUSTIVE research, yep that is what I suffer from. And I know, I know. Some of you are perhaps thinking I am suffering from the WebMD syndrome! LOLOL
But the symptoms fit. And I have seen therapists who have told me the same thing.
I have gone from the Dark Victory Syndrome of am I losing my memory?
To the current blindness OCD or fear of going blind (and this one did start with an WebMD search)!
And every other OCD-related trigger in between.
Well, honorable mention to the threat of nuclear war/the Cold War thingy of the 80s.
The intrusive thoughts began to manifest themselves in college, when I was in the cult.
So, enough of my mini background. On with the actual show.
Miss Cos
My grandmother Costella was such a worrier. For being someone so strong, self-assured and having a very strong belief in God, she was a bit nervous. Okay, a LOT nervous.
These are just SOME of the examples of growing up with grandma:
When I was a little Derek, whenever I was playing outdoors, Costella would often come out on the back porch and SCREECH my name!!
“DEREK, WHERE ARE YOU? STAY WHERE GRANDMOMMY CAN SEE YOU!!!!”
She was just so afraid, for some reason, that something was going to happen to me. Maybe she was being extra careful or cautious since I wasn’t her child, and she knew she would never hear the end of it if something happened to me on her watch.
And then I became a teen. When I was first learning how to drive and even after I had gotten my driver’s license and she would make me take her to get groceries or to church (mostly at the insistence of my grandfather, because he was a jackass and okay, okay, because he needed a break since there was now another driver in the family. He just went about it the wrong way). But anyhoo…
I would drive, with my grandmother in the passenger seat, and talk about a backseat driver. 😂😂 Whenever I would brake to slow down or stop, I could feel her foot pressing into the floorboard of the car on her side. She thought she, too, could control the car! 😁😁
She would DEFINITELY tell me to slow down. Or to move. Or to stop, etc. It was very frustrating and nerve wracking for me, who was not the most comfortable driver at that time. And ANY driver will tell you they don’t appreciate hearing from the peanut gallery about their driving habits.
Also, how many times did I hear “Be careful” before leaving the house as a child, and especially as a teen when I was driving?
Later in life, I began to exhibit some of the same fears, albeit for the most part, I kept them to myself. However, my mind constantly played out all sorts of disastrous scenarios, including hypochondriac thoughts, such as Moe Howard in character below. 😁😁😂😂
Dr. Douglas Bloch, who is a depression and life coach (he can be found on YouTube) calls it being “nervous in the service,” where you are scared of EVERYTHING. And that certainly described me as a child.
This describes my grandmother to a tee. And again, for someone who supposedly had such a strong faith in God, it was just odd to see her be so EXTREMELY “nervous in the service.” She worried about EVERYTHING! She worried about her children and grandchildren, including my little brother, particularly when he came to visit in the summertime.
And I know she was concerned and loved us. However, looking back I could tell how much SHE suffered!
You witness this over and over and over, I have to wonder if it doesn’t become ingrained in you, despite doing everything in your power to fight against it. I told myself multiple times that I wasn’t going to end up like my grandmother in that regard, but I did.
I finally feel like I am rising above it, though, or at least I am trying to. And RALPH doesn’t make it easy. Ralph is what I call that intrusive thinking/OCD part of my mind now. No doubt very soon, Ralph will be the subject of one of my blog posts. 😉
THE TRUTH!
I now know the real reason, or at least part of it, behind Miss Costella’s neurosis. It was my grandfather. And I revealed that in a previous blog post, too.
He cheated on her. That’s right. I lived a lie in my household on 1002 Montgomery Street. There were numerous fights, yes. BUT I didn’t know that my grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother and sired not one, but two other children outside of his marriage to her.
So, I could see whenever he would leave the house, she would be afraid or nervous that he was going to go see the other woman. Which he probably did.
In the end, this isn’t to blame my grandmother. I am not mad at her at all. This is about my healing and understanding. And understanding her even more. As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her. I am so sorry for what my grandfather put her through. I can see now how he really destroyed her in so many ways. And how he destroyed all of us.
But in the end, he isn’t going to win! And there is much more to Costella’s rich legacy than HER intrusive thoughts!
That’s it for today, but before you go, please check out the Derek Store!!
Please return next week when the topic will be how your mind takes you down a rabbit hole in terms of your intrusive thinking. So, until then, please be safe and, as always, MENTALLY WELL!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Today we are talking about how a good job can actually promote good and sound mental health. And of course, I have got to go there and talk about how a bad one can do the exact opposite. I should know. I’ve been there, and I’m sure you have, too.
You have in mind the perfect job for you. You research and research AND RESEARCH until you’ve found said job. You submit your application/resume, etc. and cross your fingers and hope and pray you land it. You are surprised when you actually either get a call or an email saying they wish to interview you. You are beyond ecstatic. You agree to an interview date, have the interview, and everything seems to go well.
Perhaps you still have to wait a bit to hear back or maybe you land the job on the spot during the interview. Either way, CONGRATULATIONS! You got the job!
You are so nervous when you start. But you are so happy to be there. Maybe you show up on your first day a little early. After all, you don’t want to take any chances of being late. Anyway, you meet your new boss or bosses and new team. Everyone seems friendly and nice. And after a few weeks, it turns out they really are.
You enjoy the work, the friendship and camaraderie of your team. However, you realize that everything isn’t perfect on the job. Maybe there is an aspect you don’t particularly care for. After all every job, even the good ones, has a part that you may not care for, but still don’t mind doing. However, you realize you STILL enjoy the job overall. And the people.
This continues until the next thing you know a year or two has gone by, and you are in heaven! And why? Because of the overall positivity of the workplace, which is not faux positivity. The overall atmosphere is very warm and welcoming, with no drama. The morale is VERY high! There is no gossiping. Okay, perhaps a little fun gossip, which I think is normal in any workplace. But it isn’t the type of gossip that is malicious or hateful.
You even go out to lunch with your coworkers. You all have such fun together. Heck, even the boss goes, because the boss is so much fun to be around. And you realize they are just a regular person like you. The boss has your back, and so do your coworkers.
Perhaps there is even a little socializing outside of work.
There are holiday parties and fun little gatherings. Everyone just clicks very well.
You find that you actually have FUN at work, while doing your job.
Casual business team laughing during meeting
And everyone stays in THEIR LANE. No one, other than your boss, tries to BE your boss.
Your performance reviews are always EXCELLENT! And get this: The company wants to know how THEY are doing! That’s right. They ask you to evaluate THEM!
Your ideas are accepted or at the very least, considered without mockery.
You LOVE to go to work! Or at the very least you don’t mind. And this continues. Oh and your boss and coworkers actually care about you as a person, as a human being. They value your input and your time there. This is actually how it is. You have never been happier in your life. And if you are waiting for the buts, there are none!
You sleep well at night. Your other relationships even get a boost. You WANT to be at work.
But what does all of this do for your mental wellbeing?
You have a boost in self-confidence.
Great self-esteem and self worth.
Feelings of belongingness.
A feeling that you are doing and achieving something good.
You are contributing to something.
Overall, you feel good about yourself.
You are simply happy.
Now. Let’s re-run the first part of this post from the top. All the way up to the part where you land the job, and it is your first day. But with some slight differences. Tee hee.
Everything starts off fine on your new job. The people seem friendly enough, and your boss does, too.
But slowly over time, you begin to see little, subtle shifts. For example, maybe your boss seems to be absent from work. Well. A lot. You also notice a shift in your duties, as in you are now getting extra duties normally relegated to your boss, but you are not getting their pay or at least anything extra.
Those nice workplace friends? Well, they are starting to show their TRUE colors. One turns out to be a bully, who wants his way at every turn. He says mean-spirited and malicious things, even during team meetings. And it turns out there are several coworkers who are afraid of him, including the boss; therefore, they side with him, thereby displaying their true loyalty.
The gossip in this place is off the chain! People are gossiping about each other. They gossip about the boss. And they are even gossiping about you.
Your ideas are shot down and you are humiliated and questioned over them, like you are being interrogated.
Arguments begin to break out, and constantly while at work. Mostly, you are a witness to it, but sometimes you are also involved. And nine times out of 10, it involves the workplace bully.
It gets so bad that maybe there are meetings with HR to act as mediator, but even that doesn’t help or solve the problem. It descends into pure hell to the point that you now HATE to go to work! Morale is VERY low!! The atmosphere is EXTREMELY negative and highly TOXIC!!
And suddenly people are saying to YOU that “you act like you don’t want to be here.” Excuse me, but neither do they! Pot? Kettle? And why would you want to be at such a horrible place surrounded by horrible, disagreeable people?
You come home every day completely and totally drained and tired. You wake up in the morning still tired from the previous day. You DREAD going to work. Your drive to work is a nightmare, because of your constant thinking and overthinking about how you have to deal with your toxic coworkers. And simply how you are going to get through another day.
Your overall relationships with others begin to suffer, because you are now CONSTANTLY talking about how much you HATE your job!
Instead of the positive feelings from the above list, you instead feel:
A tremendous drop in self-confidence.
Low self-esteem and self worth.
Feelings of not belonging.
A feeling that you are not doing anything worthwhile and achieving nothing of importance.
You are not contributing to anything, because your ideas aren’t appreciated or taken into consideration anyway.
Overall, you feel bad about yourself.
You are simply unhappy. Very unhappy.
It goes without saying that I have had my fair share of shitty jobs. I encountered basically every negative scenario described above, and some of those assholes had THE NERVE to tell me that I acted like I didn’t want to be there. And I didn’t. Who would want to be surrounded by such hateful c****, er I mean such negative drama? 😂🤣.
So, my mental health deteriorated to the point that yes, I began acting out. I became as rude as some of my coworkers. I don’t know if my self-esteem plummeted or not, but my anger sure rose to new heights, again, to the point that I displayed my disdain for my workplace. I was a mega bitch. And even when I was written up, I was STILL a mega bitch. I know for sure one of my alters took over, the calm yet icy one. LOLOL
In the end, do you really wish to sacrifice your sound mental health for a paycheck? I have finally learned that I do not. I will simply walk out. After all, now I have multiple jobs to choose from! 🤣
Remember, there is help for you if you are encountering the negative job and/or things you can do. I know it is easier said than done to quit and look for another job.
However, this is what I say if you do decide to stay. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!
Set clear boundaries with your coworkers and even your boss, if necessary.
Tell your rude coworkers that you will, in no uncertain terms, be disrespected by them EVER!
One thing I wish I had told some of my rude coworkers, especially here in Atlanta, that “I am NOT one of your Atlanta, hoodrat, ghetto friends. Therefore, you will NOT speak to me as such!” BOOM!!
When you leave work, leave it THERE! Do not take it home with you.
Do not accept extra duties without extra pay!
Treat yourself and OFTEN!! Perhaps a massage, pedicure, good music, exercise, and definitely good food! 😊
I know to some of you, these suggestions are no brainers. But to others, they really don’t know what to do. But now you do.
Oh and if you already have that dream job with the dream team, DON’T LEAVE!!! 🤣😂
In summation, a good job that cares, takes pride in their employees. They value them and very much want them there. I really wish I had learned the difference early on.
Now, before you leave, please visit the Derek Store. You never know what you might find. 😁😉
That is it for now. But by all means, please come back next week when the topic shall be “did I inherit my anxiety from my grandmother?” Oooooo! It’s gonna be a good one! So, stay tuned. And until then, please stay safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, everyone! Today’s post is designed to sort of poke fun at myself while admitting a TRUTH and at the same time also tying it back to mental health. So, wish me luck! 😂🤣😉
TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST GETS DOWN AND DIRTY AND IS NOT MEANT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!! AND I MAY COME ACROSS AS A RAVING LUNATIC!! 🤣🤣🤣
But to quote Curly Howard of The Three Stooges – “I don’t care!” 🤣🤣
This is my I DON’T GIVE A FUCK post! I am letting it all hang out!!!! Total Stream of Consciousness.
So, you’ve been warned!!
Now. On with the show!
One of my favorite quotes from The Golden Girls is in reference to Sophia Petrillo. During the “Moonlight Madness” episode, several of the characters refer to her as “the mean old lady like the paper boy says.” And then finally Sophia admits it herself. 🤣😂 And I have now been saying that about myself, too! It cracks my friends up.
And the below song, by the FABU Annie Lennox, has sort of been my theme song. I have included it before. But please listen again!
Because I AM BITTER!!!! 😁😁😂😂
The older I get, the less I like people. Yeah. Much like Frieda Claxton from The Golden Girls. “I’ve got no use for people and never have.” 😂And I KNOW that I am not the only one.
Animals I love, though. ❣️❣️❣️Oh and I do love the elderly. Lots of wisdom to be gleaned there.
Anyway, that is how I feel now. I am not exactly sure how or where it all began. Hmmm but let me see if I can count the ways:
Being called homophobic slurs as a child (and as an adult) didn’t help.
My own family turning against me and criticizing me, particularly my grandfather, that didn’t help.
Teachers, classmates and so-called friends in secondary school turning against me and criticizing me didn’t help.
And let’s not talk about “The Church” and its hateful homophobic and misogynistic garbage and rhetoric.
And we won’t EVEN begin to delve into my romantic life. Or lack thereof.
Or the mean-spirited, hateful and loathsome people I have worked with over the decades.
The vicious roommates.
Working for certain companies and jobs that brought out THE WORST in me!
Being a part of a certain band that brought out the WORST in me!
Hateful, mean-spirited comments lobbed my way.
Oh and get over it? No, I think not. You can still be a BPQ (Bitter Prissy Queen) and be KIND and NICE. But ready to lob grenades on any other BITCH or BASTARD that tries to go there. 💣
Oh and by the way, if I am coming across as a victim, I DON’T CARE!! 😂🤣
These are MY feelings. Not yours. And I believe in expressing my TRUE feelings regardless of what others think!
I am a total bitch! I used to be nice. Okay, I’m still nice. 😉🤣 BUT because of the life circumstances outlined above, and not getting what I want – well… I know. I am sounding like a whiny, petulant child. But truthfully? I am tired of PEOPLE!! And social media doesn’t help, with all of the constant validation seeking and same tired posts and selfies. But not just social media. People in general with their bullshit and those who support TRUMP for some ungodly reason, et al. It all gets on my ever-loving nerves!
I am also sick and tired of people’s rudeness and lack of common sense and courtesy.
I am sick of SOME millennials with their holier-than-thou attitude and their thinking that they have all of the answers when all you have to do is say BOO and they are offended and crying. Literal tears. And acting as if they are so superior and worldly and their belief that they are reinventing the wheel and not realizing it is not about them. And for the record, my pronouns are:
None of your business.
Designed for those who are either transitioning or who are nonbinary. Fight me on this!
My pronouns are – ALL OF THEM!! I DON’T CARE. Address me by Derek. Miss Bitch if you’re nasty!! 😂🤣
Oh. And you don’t have the patent on what is respectful, courteous or politically correct, simply when a joke is a joke. People are so sick of you.
I am also a bitter bitch because of how I was treated growing up. How many BLACK people have come for me during my lifetime? So, let me make it clear and if you want to try and use this against me later, by all means please do. But I am not here for you either!
AND STOP USING YOUR TIRED RELIGION AND CHRISTIANITY TO WEAPONIZE GAY PEOPLE!!!
And str8 black men, stop acting as if gay men WANT YOU! Maybe the thug-chasing gay white males do; but nine times out of 10, the gay black queens don’t!!
And str8 black actors who refuse to wear a dress on stage, it is FUNNY! It is NOT about sexual orientation! It is COMEDY! Do you not realize that centuries ago, women were NOT allowed to do theatre at all? So, the male actors had to DON A DRESS! It has NOTHING to do with sexual orientation or emasculating your ridiculously fragile ego!
And yes, I am a SISSY, FAGGOT, PUNK and the novel with the title Confessions of a Sissy/Faggot/Punk WILL be coming forth. Ha!!
Ya see? In essence, this is what happens when:
You don’t get what you want.
You don’t get the man you want.
You don’t get the money you want.
You don’t get the toys you want. 😂
You don’t have the life you want.
You have been bullied and intimidated your entire life.
You are CONSTANTLY surrounded by STUPID PEOPLE!!
At the end of the day, maybe I just need some good old-fashioned sex! 😉😂🤣😁🤔
And a BPQ is all about her convenience. The older I get, the more I prefer to be at home with my creature comforts.
And I don’t think that I am mean. I just have strong feelings, opinions and thoughts I feel that perhaps should be kept to myself. 🤣😂
But I certainly feel safe stating them here.
The prissiness. Well, I can thank my homophobic classmates and former friends for that. Sissy. Faggot. Punk. I felt soooooo ashamed over being myself. And afraid to be myself. But now I go up and down those grocery aisles sashaying. Because I am a PRISSY queen!
But at the end of the day, I am so much fun and still loving, despite being a proud Bitter Prissy Queen. BPQ! ❣️ 🤣😂
A good friend has a t-shirt that says “Tomorrow is not promised. Cuss them out today!!”
Mentally how has this all affected me? Well, I turned into a BPQ because of all of the above!! 😂😂😂
But seriously, all of the homophobia lobbed my way (and my brothers and sisters’ way) made us all feel down on ourselves. We suffered from low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness. And please don’t say we all feel that way at times. I am talking about sexual orientation here. And I doubt very seriously the hets were made to feel bad over being hets.
That truly messes with your mind. It toughens you up, and yes, it can turn you into a BPQ. I don’t know what the lesbian antithesis of this would be. Oh hell, we’ll work on them next week. 😂
Mentally, you don’t have a choice but to toughen up. Perhaps I have taken it to an extreme. But I think not. It is just who I am. And as long as no one gets hurt.
That is all. Off of my soapbox. 😉
Now. Don’t you go away, ya hear? Until you’ve checked out the Derek Store by clicking on the banner below!
Okay. I’ve ranted and raved enough. Please come back next week when the topic shall be good jobs promote good mental health. Until then, please be safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Being a child was not the easiest either. However, there were no bills to pay. No responsibilities except for getting your homework done. And for me, practicing the trumpet. Oh and going to church. LOLOL
But now it is such a chore, bore, and a snore to be an adult, with all of the bills and the taxes and the responsibilities and the trying to get a job and keeping a job, etc., etc. etc.
However, I really want to go underneath the surface of my feelings surrounding being an adult who is now in their – GULP – late 50s!!
Now, I honestly feel very tired as a grownup. I feel everyday has turned into a hamster wheel of the same-old TIRED routine.
I eat the same TIRED food.
I see the same TIRED faces. 😁
I do the same TIRED things.
You get the picture.
And I am sure some of you are saying, “well, perhaps you need to change things up a bit.” “It is up to you to make your life more exciting.”
And you would be correct.
But perhaps the biggest dread of being an adult is our MORTALITY!
Getting older means you are closer to the grave.
Of course, we are all going to die someday. The thing that I have always found distressing is we don’t know the time or the day or the when or the how. I mean, if we came to this world knowing all of that, would we do things differently?
I don’t want this to turn into a post about death, because that is not what I’m really driving at here. It’s just the blah (and anxiety) of adulthood. And that certainly includes dying one day.
And then there is the sheer heaviness of it all, which can be so mentally draining.
There have been times when I have felt unsure, lost and very disconnected from my body. From my life. And just out of place. And disconnected from reality and people. I have felt just weird and strange.
I don’t believe this is depression, because I suppose I refuse to believe that I am depressed. However, this feeling that I have experienced before, I wasn’t sure what to call it until now, the existential dread of being an adult. 😂😂😂
Because I think there is a lot of heaviness, anxiety, and disappointment surrounding adulthood, too.
Annie describes that feeling perfectly in this song.
Sometimes I have felt like a heavy boulder was weighing me down. But why? Is it because I think something is missing in my life?
And this is also where my age comes into play.
I am now 56 years young. And at this stage:
I ain’t got no man.
I ain’t got no money.
I ain’t got no career. 😂🤣
So, I am grappling with all of that, too.
Again, there is the pressure to succeed, to pay the bills, to pay the rent, to keep gas in the car, food on the table – you know, all the shit I described in my previous post on how being an adult really sucks.
But it is also the fact that I don’t have all of the things in my life that I feel I deserve. Yes. DESERVE!! Those items that I listed above.
And it is awful to feel as if you are stuck in mud or trying to pull yourself out of quicksand, and that you don’t have in your life what you truly want.
One of the ways that I have dealt with this feeling, this existential dread is by affirmations. That’s right. You have to be living under a rock if you haven’t heard of affirmations by now. Affirmations or the state of affirming what you want or have, is when you tell yourself POSITIVE things. For example, I used to feel that I couldn’t accomplish something I want, I now tell myself that I can. And I am. I tell myself on a daily basis that I feel good, that I am happy, that I am living in the present moment, that I can handle what comes my way.
This has certainly helped me with that heaviness, that dreaded feeling, the existential dread of being an adult with all of the responsibilities, etc.
And I now just won’t allow life or life circumstances drag me back into that feeling of being stuck in mud. Heck no!
Please check out what I have for you at the Derek Store before exiting!
Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I finally just come out and admit that I am nothing but a miserable, old prissy Queen!! 😂🤣🤣 And much like Freida Claxton from Golden Girls! 😁😉
So, until then, please be safe and MENTALLY WELL!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dearest friends!! Spring has really sprung, and I couldn’t be happier! 🌿🪴😁
Anyway, I am going to keep this post short and sweet (yeah right) and light and airy. I want to talk about what writing means to me, and how it helps my mental health.
I don’t know if it is the clickety clack of the keyboard as I type, or putting my thoughts down in written form, or creating horrid situations for my most beloved characters – but I TRULY LOVE and ENJOY writing!!!
I honestly cannot stop writing. It has become such a regular part of my life, my routine, my existence. That to suddenly stop would be strange and leave me feeling empty.
I am most certainly not the best at it, but I feel this power in creating. I feel that since I cannot control everything that happens in my life, I can at least control what happens in the lives of my characters.
I rather enjoy putting things and people and places together and seeing the outcome.
And one thriller screenplay, one horror screenplay, one TV series, and an entire miniseries later! 😁🤣😂❤️ And I cannot forget my blog, of course, which has now entered its FOURTH YEAR!!
Writing has definitely helped my fragile mental health. I can pour out my strongest feelings in the written word, especially when it comes to my blog. I can tell the world how I REALLY feel WITHOUT judgment. I can call out people and institutions that I find rather distasteful. I can call out actions of others that I find deplorable. I can vent about the current world we are living in. And it is truly freeing!
I can even reexamine my past through a (hopefully) more mature and adult lens.
And all of this indeed helps my mind and my attitude.
Improvements in mental health, et al
I feel better about myself after a really good writing session. I feel accomplished and worthy. My writing even lowers my stress. After all, I can kill people in a script and get away with it. 🤣😂
I even think writing helps to raise my confidence, especially when I share it with the world. So, this is where the blog comes in.
I have been told by people that they ACTUALLY have read and like some of my blog posts. I even had a friend and coworker tell me that one post was spot on of what was going on in her life. She said it resonated with her so strongly that she had her husband read it!! POWERFUL!!
I think because of this ongoing blog and my children’s book, I now have the courage to showcase my writing to the world. So, this summer, I intend to start submitting my screenplays to contests! Stay tuned…
The Pen is Mightier… And All That
I enjoy writing so much, that I still write in hand with my trusty pen. For example, I STILL keep an Oprah-style gratitude journal, and I have been journaling steadily for over 23 years now!! And boy have I documented some shite! 🤣🤔😉
I find such joy in detailing my day to day life in those journals. I have now amassed several for each year, documenting not only my five – actually now 10 things – I am grateful for, but I also document what happens in my life.
And sometimes I enjoy returning to the past and seeing and remembering what I was up to back in the day by going back and rereading old journals! Ooooo and my eyes sure do burn from reliving my antics! 🤣 One of these days I am just going to pour a really good stiff drink 🍹🍸, and have a great time reminiscing over all of those fond – and some not-so-fond – memories.
In summation, I am most certainly going to keep writing, whether it’s my journal, my blog, my screenplays, TV series or miniseries. Viva my writing!!
Now, you know you don’t wanna split until you’ve visited the Derek Store to see what new goodies I have for y’all! 😂
So, that’s it. Short and sweet and light and airy, as promised. 😉😁Please come back next week when I go hard and heavy on the existential dread of being an adult. Don’t miss this one either!! Until then, please stay safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another round of putting that mental imbalance in check! LOL
It is no secret that I definitely have the weirdest of dreams. Even I wake up sometimes thinking ‘now where did THAT come from?’
So, I will try to remember some of the craziest in the last month or so. And I know. I know. I should be writing these down. But I do have a pretty good memory for my dreams, whereas others do not.
Yes, Heart. THESE DREAMS (of mine!) 🤣😂😂😱
First, I am going to tell each dream. And then after the list, I am going to give my analysis of each. Just let the titles be your guide
Derek Gives Birth!
The most recent was me giving birth or rather, me having a child. It was a male infant, who suddenly became a teenager. My Mississippi family, my mother’s fam, were featured prominently in the dream. I recall my cousin Michelle and her mother/my Aunt Edna being there. I think my mother was there, too. We were in a house, but I’m not sure where. Anyway, my teen son confronted me and told me in no uncertain terms that I did not want him. Whoa! Plus, the father was nowhere in sight.
2632 Georgia Avenue
I am not sure if the baby dream was the same night as the following, but I dreamt that I was back in my old apartment in Washington, D.C., 2632 Georgia Avenue, which is now a nightclub. 🍸🍹😂 Fitting. 😂 My parents were there, too. I don’t believe I was a child, though. The most telling part of the dream was that the entire apartment was empty, yet we seemed to be living there. And I got the impression we were poor.
The Scary Old Mansion
Every now and then, I will have this dream where I am in a huge, old house, which is like a mansion. I seem to know all of the rooms, and the house seems to go on forever. The other interesting thing about this house is the backyard, which seems to be unkempt and even deadly. Yes. Deadly. It is quite vast, and there are lots and lots of bugs back there, especially flying insects, including bees. There are these statues that are very old. I want to say there is a huge chasm in the ground that is very wide. I recall lots of vines surrounding the house. But the most telling, again, is that backyard, which is so terrifying.
1002 Montgomery Street Revisited
Now, speaking of houses, I must mention that I STILL dream about the house I was raised in, the one and only 1002 Montgomery Street in Wadesboro, N.C. (that my father sold out from under my aunt). Yeah. I said it. In my dreams, the house takes on sometimes frightening dimensions, especially the exterior. The most recent dream I had was going out my front door, which now seems to mostly be at night. And it’s almost as if the house is trying to keep me inside of it. OR I am not supposed to go outside, because there is sometimes this forcefield that keeps me from opening the door. And when I am able to open the door, there are these deadly plants that almost prevent me from leaving the front porch. In this last dream, it was a huge Venus Flytrap, with VERY sharp teeth. (Can we say Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors – “FEED ME, SEYMOUR!” — Yes, and I played the plant voice in a stage production wayyyyy back in the day!!!) But I digress. I was able to stay out of its way. And sometimes when I am able to make it to the road, and let’s say I try to go down the road, there are these plants or trees that impede me. And this is even in the daylight. It is not always like this, but beforehand when I dream about the house or in particular the street itself, I was always able to go up or down it with no problems. But it seems that now when I dream about the street, I am impeded in some horrible way. Oh and there is always this feeling that I am trying to escape…
Back to UNC!
Ah yes! The Carolina dreams! I used to dream a lot about being back in low school. Well, you know it as HIGH SCHOOL. But now I am dreaming more and more about my time at Carolina. I think the most telling part of my Carolina dreams are that I am definitely back in school, and I am trying very hard to attend my classes. BUT I don’t always seem to make it in time or I miss all together. In my dreams, I keep telling myself that I am going to study harder and do better, and I feel like I am doing much better, yet I feel like I have missed too many classes, and I am going to fail. The other telling part of the dream is my change in residence. One minute I am in a dorm. The next minute I am in an apartment. And it also appears that I have been staying more at the apartment than the dorm, and that a lot of my stuff is still back in the dorm! I return thinking my stuff has been thrown out, but it’s still there, but sometimes in another dorm room. Another interesting part of the Carolina dreams are the structure of the class buildings. They suddenly turn into something straight out of Ancient Rome LOL It’s like I am back in Europe, but very lost trying to get to class, which I never make. Also, there is a carnival-like atmosphere to the Carolina campus, filled with fun rides and lots and lots of food stands, oh and even rollercoasters!
Derek, Let Your Hair Grow
My hair dreams. Okay. For those of you who know me personally, you know my hair is normally short and cut close. However, right now my hair is much longer. Normally, I do not let it get to this point. As a matter of fact, I sometimes refer to it as my pandemic hair. 😂😀 The reason I decided to let it grow out is in protest of the fluctuating SUPPOSEDLY colder, “winter” temperatures. I do plan to get it cut, as soon as the weather decides it wishes to be warm FOR REAL! But I digress. In my hair dreams, my hair is MUCH longer, down to my shoulders and almost down my back and to my butt! And more often than not, I am female! Truthfully, I have always wanted long hair. When I was a kid, I used to put a towel on my head, walk around the house, and say I was a “Girl! Girl! Girl!” I know I mentioned that in an earlier post. Needless to say, my grandmother and aunt didn’t like it. Oh. Well.
The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere)
I often dream about stairs. Sometimes they are going up. And sometimes they are going down. And sometimes they just don’t lead ANYWHERE! And sometimes they are not even connected, to the point where it is nearly impossible to climb up or down! So, strange!
2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2
These are the bloody steps that haunted me!!! At least they now have lights to light the way! 😂
I have already mentioned 2632 Georgia Avenue in Washington, D.C. However, I need mention it again, the recurring part of it. I STILL dream about that place, and trying to leave mostly. More often than not, I am walking down those steep red steps. Sometimes I am running away from something or at least I feel like I am. (When I lived there, dreaming about that damn dresser drawer in the living room where I slept coming to life to get me is reason enough to try and escape!!) In the dreams, it is mostly nighttime. However, sometimes they are in the daytime. And I am quite often either trying to go down Georgia Avenue or go up Georgia Avenue. And it is as if I cannot go but so far in either direction.
D.C. on My Mind
And speaking of D.C., I have noticed that the D.C. dreams don’t always start in the old apartment. Sometimes, I am way up Georgia Avenue and I am trying to get back to the apartment. Or I am way down Georgia Ave. trying to return 2632. Or it’s night, and I am lost somewhere in D.C. and I am trying to get to my parents’ current house. These dreams normally take place at night. Sometimes I am successful in finding my way back (considering I have the worst sense of direction in the world), but more often than not, I am not able to get back there.
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!!
Well, I may as well go there and mention the sex dreams. I will try and keep it as PG as possible for certain readers. 😱😉😁
There is no other way to put this except to just say it, because we’re all adults here: I dream about performing oral sex on men. A lot of men. Sometimes several men at the same time. It is also not unusual for me to dream about penises without male bodies coming out of nowhere for me to do my thing with. 😁😱😂😱😱😄🤣
And more often than not, the penises will then have muscular men attached. I normally don’t know who the men are or I can’t see them. But the sex is fantastic!! I also dream about seeking men to have sex with, strange men. And most of the time, I am indeed successful. Sometimes it is penetrative sex where I am being penetrated, and sometimes I am doing the penetrating. It is all wonderful!!
Derek’s Analyses
I will try to make these short and sweet, but you know how I ramble. 😄
The “Derek Gives Birth” Analysis
First of all, I have dreamt of either being pregnant or giving birth before. And I have been told before, by an Uber driver en route to the car dealership once (don’t ask), that I was trying to give birth to something, like a career. She said it was as a motivational speaker. Um WRONG! However, I have also been told the same thing by others I know. When I told the dream to one of my good friends recently, she asked what it was I was trying to give birth to. I don’t think it is a physical child, obviously, though I am certain I was a mother MULTIPLE times in previous lives. I feel that I am indeed trying to give birth to my creative ideas and to my writing and acting career. The part about my teen son telling me I didn’t want him could be reflective of the relationship between me and MY mother. I used to feel that maybe she didn’t want me, but I don’t believe that’s true based on our conversations surrounding the topic. And in the dream, my mother was there. The fact that no father was in sight says to me that I am on my own. But it also says that heck, I’m single. 😂🤣
2632 Georgia AvenueAnalysis
This says to me that perhaps I will ALWAYS have a connection to that place since I used to live there. Also, the fact that it was bare could just simply be the fact that a nightclub has now taken it over. Or it could be the dismal feeling I had when I lived there, with all of my nightmares, et al. The part about my parents being poor is laughable since they are far from it! But I am! Poor that it is. 🤣 Or truthfully, it could be that the entire dream represents a facade of the happiness I thought my parents had, which they really didn’t and still don’t. That could be the emptiness/poverty part of the dream. I don’t think it has to do with money at all.
The Scary Old Mansion Analysis
Honestly, I think it is perhaps a past life thing. I think either I owned the mansion OR I worked there as a servant. The significance of the decrepit nature suggests to me that it WAS indeed an old mansion, and that perhaps when I lived there I was old, again either as the servant or the master. Also, it could also suggest that everything there was decaying, not necessarily the place, but the feelings, emotions, and the people there. I think something terrifying happened there, hence, the insects, etc., which could signify death and decay. And maybe there were dead bodies there. The chasm could represent a deep divide between the servants and the master and others living in the mansion. Perhaps the master (me) treated the servants horribly, which would explain why people in my current life try to treat me horribly. 🤔😔
1002 Montgomery Street RevisitedAnalysis
Truthfully, I have no idea why I am now dreaming that the shrubbery and greenery surrounding my FORMER house and my former street are trying to kill me. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a green thumb like my grandmother Costella and maybe because I have inadvertently killed many a plant in my day. 🤔😂🌿🪴 But whatever it is, I would guess that it has more to do with the house than the street. I think I experienced so much pain living there that it’s like trying to keep me inside the house, whereas I wish to escape. It’s like the plants are guarding that house. Or I am wondering if the greenery is representative of my grandmother who DID have a green thumb and always kept a garden. Perhaps she wants to keep me in that house, because she was always overly protective of me, to the point I felt it was a bit over the top, hence the Venus Flytraps and deadly plants.
Back to UNCAnalysis
I remember reading somewhere that college dreams mean you are on a higher plane, a higher level of consciousness. And believe you me, I have been trying! LOL I have been dreaming more about college than high school lately. And this time in my college dreams, I am really trying to do better than I did way back in the day at Carolina before becoming a music major. I am wanting to do well and put my best foot forward, whereas my first two years at Carolina, I sort of goofed off. And then again, I was in that stupid cult. In my current life, I am more ambitious than ever. I am NOT goofing off when it comes to my Derek “stuff.” I am desiring to do the very best I can. I feel like I am making up for lost time by being extremely focused and dedicated. I am being an overachiever during this late stage of my life. 🤣😂 I think the carnival part of it signifies the fun I did have while at Carolina.
Derek, Let Your Hair GrowAnalysis
I am trying to remember what that actually means. Pardon me as I look it up. Here is what I found at the top of Google. 😊 Long hair in a dreamsymbolizes femininity, sensuality, and beauty. It can also represent freedom, power, and strength. Alternatively, it may indicate a desire for change or a need to let go of something. Think about the context of the dream and how the long hair made you feel. The femininity is spot on as I am gay, but more importantly I KNOW I was a woman in PREVIOUS lifetimes. I can also relate to the “freedom, power and strength” as I definitely desire freedom and more power in my life, but also I feel as though I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. Now, I am most desirous of change in my life, as I am sick and tired of the same old-same old every doggone day. And I, of course, need to let go of something, well actually a lot of things. But also I think my long hair may be representative of some of these past lives as women. And I just remembered that long hair can signify wisdom.
The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere)Analysis
I have read that stair dreams indicate the direction your life is going. So, if you are going up the stairs, that shows you are ascending in your personal life – you know, growing, becoming better, etc. However, the opposite is true if you are descending the stairs, you apparently are going down in life. And I have experienced both in my dreams. And I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out when the stairs go NOWHERE, as I have experienced in my dreams. The impossible stairs I have no clue as to what that could possibly mean. Could that mean the waking dreams I have in my life of desiring to be a writer and actor are impossible? Or I still think it is?
2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2 Analysis
I honestly believe the trying to leave the apartment signifies me trying to escape, trying to get the hell out of there. I hated and still hate D.C. with a fiery passion. I have NEVER liked that place, and my mother knows it because I constantly and still very often bring it up. 2632 was scary for me as I have outlined previously. D.C. is still scary to me. 😂
And it just occurred to me that perhaps the reason I keep dreaming about both D.C. AND 1002 Montgomery Street is that I am trying to escape my current life!!
D.C. on My MindAnalysis
Speaking of D.C., I really don’t understand why I would dream about the city itself unless it does have to do with my general unease and anxiety about the place, which could be reflective of the anxiety I feel in my waking life – sometimes. D.C. is just vast and huge, and I am not necessarily a fan of huge cities anymore. I find them intimidating, and I am quite often lost in my general D.C. dreams, like I am trying to find something. And perhaps I am just lost in my waking life, too. And I often feel that way.
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!! Analysis
I am just going to say the explanation and analysis are quite obvious: I need SEX! 🤣😂🤣 And I am very horny all the time. And I LOVE MEN!!!!!!! So. Enough. Said.
Please click on the Derek Store below on your way out the door. 😂🤣
That’s it for now. Please return next time when the topic will be the joy I find in writing. Until then, please stay safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Photo attribution: Unsplash, Andy He, Manny Moreno, Steve Kelso, Carolyn Keene
Greetings, all! Welcome back to another fun-filled journey into our collective mental health!
So, we have ALL been on Facebook. We have ALL posted our accomplishments on Ye Olde Facebook and social media.
However, what if it turns into validation seeking or need for approval or just bragging?
When Facebook (or rather FB as I shall refer to it hence going forward), started years ago, it was a way to keep up with your friends and family, particularly those at a distance. And I do understand that is what a lot of people use it for. However, it really has gotten out of hand. And it is rather disturbing.
Now that everyone has a platform to be “seen,” they are just running with it, with endless banal selfies! (Ugh! Bitch! We know what you look like!)
It probably all started with one selfie that garnered a lot of likes, and it became like a drug to keep posting more and more to get that adrenaline rush! Truly sad.
And now the videos, particularly TikTok, that display users performing outlandish, silly acts, inserting themselves in other people’s videos, which pulse grotesquely in the background.
Give me a break!
I am going to start off by saying I have a LOT of actor friends on my feed. And yes, they do post their upcoming projects.
But I do have one actor friend who seems to take it to an extreme. She gets a plethora of projects in the film/TV industry. However, the way she posts her successes seem as if she is trying to gain attention and validation rather than a simple ‘hey, guys! I wanted to let you know that I am going to be in this upcoming show/movie, etc.’ It becomes an in-depth explanation of the cast she is working with – i.e. name-dropping, which is also fine, I suppose. Yet the names that are dropped are not A-list actors.
And the whole #actorslife – I’m sorry let me rewrite that: NUMBER SIGN Actors Life, is just plain DUMB. Yes. And I said that, too.
I am on the page of SEVERAL A-list actors, and they don’t do this. So, it sounds to me that SOME actors are not used to anything. The saying I grew up with is that if someone has to be outlandish and flaunt their money or success, then they are not used to having it.
But I digress. And moving on.
Then there are the anniversary people. You know, ‘me and so-and-so have been together for EON years.’ Yet, they don’t mention the part that their partner/husband/wife is an atrocious, loathsome piece of dried dog doo, who is a dipsomaniac, who beats and cheats on them. Oh. Yeah. Let’s celebrate that. RME – Rolling My Eyes. 🙄
Speaking of our lovely, loving couples, how about the ones who must post where they are dining with the tag “Having lunch/dinner with my love?” As if we don’t know that you are already partnered/married and that this person is supposed to be your love. Sounds to me as if someone is trying to convince somebody of something.
I actually know several couples who do not do this, who have been together for years, and yet they are still in love with each other. However, they don’t feel the need to remind everyone, especially when it is mealtime. Just sayin’.
The constantly going on a trip people. Well, damn I wish I had it like that.
Oh and don’t ask them where they get their money to do it. Retired people I can understand. They have worked hard all their lives to enjoy their travels. And I say, hey – ENJOY! Now, I AM jealous over that! Wish I was retired and able to travel the world.
But the ordinary people like you and me. Ha! Again, don’t ask them how they can afford all those trips. Might get your feelings hurt. Well, a thought just occurred to me. Since you’re sharing your 80 Days Around the World, then why don’t you share your bank account, too? Just a thought.
I guess what I am saying is I have grown sick and tired of seeing all of this. And no, I have given up on comparing my life to these people and feeling that my life is inadequate. I do enjoy my simple little life of writing, reading, blogging, etc. And me posting a weekly blog, I think, is a HUGE accomplishment.
What I have learned from social media and keeping up with all of my “friends” is that in the end I just don’t care anymore. I told my roommate/friend/coworker just the other night that I no longer care what goes on in someone else’s life. I don’t wish any harm to come to anyone. I hope everyone in my feed is safe and okay. But must I know about EVERY single little detail of their lives? No sour grapes here, but do I need to know where you are jetting off to today?
Or what year you are on in your married/partnered life?
Or which vacation you are on today? That I didn’t get invited on?
Do I really need to know what TV show or movie you’re going to be in? Wasting my damn time on a show or movie that I wouldn’t even normally watch just because you’re in it for TWO WHOLE MINUTES????
DO YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE AND READ EVERY ONE OF MY BLOG POSTS??
The answer to all of the above is NO!!
There are friends who are in bands. For some reason, I don’t count those, even though I really desire to be in another band. But when they post, they are simply posting about their upcoming shows, which I have promised to go see at some point in time. However, they are not bragging, in my opinion. They are just letting us know they are doing a show. Simple. Easy. Done. They are not going down a rabbit hole of how fabulous they are.
So, I am taking a little break from FB, something that a lot of people feel the need to do from time to time, because of the above.
It is not that we are comparing ourselves. Or even jealous. It is just for the sake of our mental health.
This ain’t 6th grade any longer, and I do not feel the need to participate in this foolishness as much as I used to. Neither do I feel the need to keep up with the Joneses or feel inadequate about myself or what I am doing.
This is a bit off topic, but even the consistent birthday wishing is getting on my nerves! I have finally realized I am fine if a gazillion people don’t wish me a Happy Birthday on social media. The most important thing is as long as I’m alive on my birthday!
But why do people feel a need to do it? Brag. Why?
It has taken me a long time to realize that it has to do with low self-esteem. Let’s face it. The only true recognition some people find is on social media, where everyone can be a STAR. It’s sort of sad really.
There is no reason at all to be jealous of the attention they get. Or to even feel inadequate about yourself or what is going on in your own life. Or not going on. It may sound silly, cliched or obvious, but as long as you are happy within yourself!
And I know PLENTY of people who are not even on FB and don’t ever intend to get on it. And believe me, they seem to be doing just fine.
I don’t need all of the attention or the likes and the hugs and tugs. I am an adult. My life does NOT revolve around a bunch of fake likes from people who are not really my friends. I sleep just fine without the adoration. And nope. Once again not bitter about it. Just sick of seeing the same tired faces posting the same tired crap. Yawn.
In the end, it is all better for my overall mental health anyway.
Now, don’t y’all go away without checking out the Derek Store, by clicking on the banner below! 😉😂
That is it for today. Please return next week when the topic will be dreams, a topic I haven’t delved into a long, long time. So, please stay tuned and, until then, be safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hi there! Welcome back! The title mentions “weaponized incompetence,” and I know a lot of you are asking what the heck is that. Well…
Weaponized incompetence was first phrased by Jared Sandberg in a 2007 Wall Street Journal article in which he discussed how employees will feign ineptitude in order to appear helpless and, therefore, needing help from other coworkers to, in essence, do their work or perform their tasks for them.
However, it isn’t just in the workplace, but it can appear in social and even romantic relationships, as well.
And between husbands and wives, where one partner refuses to take responsibility for household duties and will either appear to be unable to carry out those duties or may simply refuse to do them for whatever reason.
So, basically, weaponized incompetence can also be seen as a form of manipulation and that it can indeed be done on purpose, for whatever reason.
NOTE: I THINK WE’VE ALL DONE IT AT SOME POINT IN TIME IN OUR LIVES!
I know I’ve done it in the workplace when there was something I didn’t really want to do. Not gonna lie. And I’m pretty sure I’ve done it in my personal life. However, I am really glad that this type of behaviour has been brought to my attention.
Anyway, a friend and coworker turned me onto the phrase last year when describing how my father will not lift a finger to help my mother around the house. He relies on her to do all of the cooking AND the cleaning.
This coworker elaborated that perhaps my father was intentionally getting out of helping around the house, therefore, using weaponized incompetence or WI, as I shall call it going forward.
Here is where I believe my father’s WI originated. The following is the story as told by my mother:
Many years ago, and I think I was in college when this happened, my grandfather Frank told my father to not ever help my mother with household duties. Why he said that I don’t know. But my father, to this day, does NOT help my mother with any domestic chores. Oh sure, he will drive her to work and to the grocery store, etc.
But he will not help cook (she says she doesn’t want him to do that anyway, because she says he’s nasty 😂).
He will not help clean.
He will not help pay for groceries.
He will pay half on their bills, but he will not pay for new appliances or furniture or anything like that. As I have stated before, he is such a reprehensible person.
Now, he has to use a cane. And so it is almost as if he is using WI to feign being incapable of doing anything, especially now that he has that cane.
So, husbands using WI to get out of performing household duties really isn’t a new thing. I mean, it sounds familiar where the man doesn’t lift a finger around the house, and all of those menial tasks are, therefore, delegated to the woman.
I can only imagine the hostility that can emerge as a result of this.
I realize there are people who are the “you’re not doing it right. Then I may as well do it” type. We all know those types. They feel that they can perform the job better or if it’s not done THEIR way, then they will just do it themselves. And the WI offender may certainly use this to their advantage.
However, does this sort of behaviour do anyone any good?
And again, the offender may just be doing the task poorly on purpose!
Honestly, this sounds like the work of children. Wouldn’t a child pretend to not be able to do something simply to get out of doing it? Just a thought.
Now my two cents on the matter. For the sake of everyone’s mental health who have fallen prey to this, kick that lazy-ass husband out!!
Fire that “incompetent” coworker, because if you are not pulling your weight, then what good are you to the company?
This all may sound extreme. So, try a different approach: The next time that coworker pulls this bullshit, then take the time to show them how to do said task. And then from that point on, they are on their own.
As far as the lazy husband (or wife) – fine. Clean YOUR space and cook YOUR OWN meals, and allow that lazy SOB to fend for themselves!
Going back to my mother, she does REFUSE to do my father’s laundry! 😂😂😂
Mentally, WI helps no one. I think in the end that WI can cause bitterness, resentment, guilt, and lots and lots of conflict, whether the WI is done on purpose or not. And perhaps there could be self-esteem issues if the WI is not done on purpose and the offender feels that someone is constantly doing something for them because they are unable to do it themselves.
Before you go, please visit my Derek Store. You never know what you might find. 😉
Please return next week when the discussion will be on bragging, especially with regard to social media. You will not want to miss.
So, until then please be safe and, as always, mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
