Category: mental health and well-being

Greetings, all! Welcome back to another fun-filled journey into our collective mental health!

So, we have ALL been on Facebook. We have ALL posted our accomplishments on Ye Olde Facebook and social media.

However, what if it turns into validation seeking or need for approval or just bragging?

When Facebook (or rather FB as I shall refer to it hence going forward), started years ago, it was a way to keep up with your friends and family, particularly those at a distance. And I do understand that is what a lot of people use it for. However, it really has gotten out of hand. And it is rather disturbing.

Now that everyone has a platform to be “seen,” they are just running with it, with endless banal selfies! (Ugh! Bitch! We know what you look like!)

It probably all started with one selfie that garnered a lot of likes, and it became like a drug to keep posting more and more to get that adrenaline rush! Truly sad.

And now the videos, particularly TikTok, that display users performing outlandish, silly acts, inserting themselves in other people’s videos, which pulse grotesquely in the background.

Give me a break!

I am going to start off by saying I have a LOT of actor friends on my feed. And yes, they do post their upcoming projects.

But I do have one actor friend who seems to take it to an extreme. She gets a plethora of projects in the film/TV industry. However, the way she posts her successes seem as if she is trying to gain attention and validation rather than a simple ‘hey, guys! I wanted to let you know that I am going to be in this upcoming show/movie, etc.’ It becomes an in-depth explanation of the cast she is working with – i.e. name-dropping, which is also fine, I suppose. Yet the names that are dropped are not A-list actors.

And the whole #actorslife – I’m sorry let me rewrite that: NUMBER SIGN Actors Life, is just plain DUMB. Yes. And I said that, too.

I am on the page of SEVERAL A-list actors, and they don’t do this. So, it sounds to me that SOME actors are not used to anything. The saying I grew up with is that if someone has to be outlandish and flaunt their money or success, then they are not used to having it.

But I digress. And moving on.

Then there are the anniversary people. You know, ‘me and so-and-so have been together for EON years.’ Yet, they don’t mention the part that their partner/husband/wife is an atrocious, loathsome piece of dried dog doo, who is a dipsomaniac, who beats and cheats on them. Oh. Yeah. Let’s celebrate that. RME – Rolling My Eyes. 🙄

Speaking of our lovely, loving couples, how about the ones who must post where they are dining with the tag “Having lunch/dinner with my love?” As if we don’t know that you are already partnered/married and that this person is supposed to be your love. Sounds to me as if someone is trying to convince somebody of something.

I actually know several couples who do not do this, who have been together for years, and yet they are still in love with each other. However, they don’t feel the need to remind everyone, especially when it is mealtime. Just sayin’.

The constantly going on a trip people. Well, damn I wish I had it like that.

Oh and don’t ask them where they get their money to do it. Retired people I can understand. They have worked hard all their lives to enjoy their travels. And I say, hey – ENJOY! Now, I AM jealous over that! Wish I was retired and able to travel the world.

But the ordinary people like you and me. Ha! Again, don’t ask them how they can afford all those trips. Might get your feelings hurt. Well, a thought just occurred to me. Since you’re sharing your 80 Days Around the World, then why don’t you share your bank account, too? Just a thought.

I guess what I am saying is I have grown sick and tired of seeing all of this. And no, I have given up on comparing my life to these people and feeling that my life is inadequate. I do enjoy my simple little life of writing, reading, blogging, etc. And me posting a weekly blog, I think, is a HUGE accomplishment.

What I have learned from social media and keeping up with all of my “friends” is that in the end I just don’t care anymore. I told my roommate/friend/coworker just the other night that I no longer care what goes on in someone else’s life. I don’t wish any harm to come to anyone. I hope everyone in my feed is safe and okay. But must I know about EVERY single little detail of their lives? No sour grapes here, but do I need to know where you are jetting off to today?

Or what year you are on in your married/partnered life?

Or which vacation you are on today? That I didn’t get invited on?

Do I really need to know what TV show or movie you’re going to be in? Wasting my damn time on a show or movie that I wouldn’t even normally watch just because you’re in it for TWO WHOLE MINUTES????

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE AND READ EVERY ONE OF MY BLOG POSTS??

The answer to all of the above is NO!!

There are friends who are in bands. For some reason, I don’t count those, even though I really desire to be in another band. But when they post, they are simply posting about their upcoming shows, which I have promised to go see at some point in time. However, they are not bragging, in my opinion. They are just letting us know they are doing a show. Simple. Easy. Done. They are not going down a rabbit hole of how fabulous they are.

So, I am taking a little break from FB, something that a lot of people feel the need to do from time to time, because of the above.

It is not that we are comparing ourselves. Or even jealous. It is just for the sake of our mental health.

This ain’t 6th grade any longer, and I do not feel the need to participate in this foolishness as much as I used to. Neither do I feel the need to keep up with the Joneses or feel inadequate about myself or what I am doing.

This is a bit off topic, but even the consistent birthday wishing is getting on my nerves! I have finally realized I am fine if a gazillion people don’t wish me a Happy Birthday on social media. The most important thing is as long as I’m alive on my birthday!

But why do people feel a need to do it? Brag. Why?

It has taken me a long time to realize that it has to do with low self-esteem. Let’s face it. The only true recognition some people find is on social media, where everyone can be a STAR. It’s sort of sad really.

There is no reason at all to be jealous of the attention they get. Or to even feel inadequate about yourself or what is going on in your own life. Or not going on. It may sound silly, cliched or obvious, but as long as you are happy within yourself!

And I know PLENTY of people who are not even on FB and don’t ever intend to get on it. And believe me, they seem to be doing just fine.

I don’t need all of the attention or the likes and the hugs and tugs. I am an adult. My life does NOT revolve around a bunch of fake likes from people who are not really my friends. I sleep just fine without the adoration. And nope. Once again not bitter about it. Just sick of seeing the same tired faces posting the same tired crap. Yawn.

In the end, it is all better for my overall mental health anyway.

Now, don’t y’all go away without checking out the Derek Store, by clicking on the banner below! 😉😂

That is it for today. Please return next week when the topic will be dreams, a topic I haven’t delved into a long, long time. So, please stay tuned and, until then, be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hi there! Welcome back! The title mentions “weaponized incompetence,” and I know a lot of you are asking what the heck is that. Well…

Weaponized incompetence was first phrased by Jared Sandberg in a 2007 Wall Street Journal article in which he discussed how employees will feign ineptitude in order to appear helpless and, therefore, needing help from other coworkers to, in essence, do their work or perform their tasks for them.

However, it isn’t just in the workplace, but it can appear in social and even romantic relationships, as well.

And between husbands and wives, where one partner refuses to take responsibility for household duties and will either appear to be unable to carry out those duties or may simply refuse to do them for whatever reason.

So, basically, weaponized incompetence can also be seen as a form of manipulation and that it can indeed be done on purpose, for whatever reason.

NOTE: I THINK WE’VE ALL DONE IT AT SOME POINT IN TIME IN OUR LIVES!

I know I’ve done it in the workplace when there was something I didn’t really want to do. Not gonna lie. And I’m pretty sure I’ve done it in my personal life. However, I am really glad that this type of behaviour has been brought to my attention.

Anyway, a friend and coworker turned me onto the phrase last year when describing how my father will not lift a finger to help my mother around the house. He relies on her to do all of the cooking AND the cleaning.

This coworker elaborated that perhaps my father was intentionally getting out of helping around the house, therefore, using weaponized incompetence or WI, as I shall call it going forward.

Here is where I believe my father’s WI originated. The following is the story as told by my mother:

Many years ago, and I think I was in college when this happened, my grandfather Frank told my father to not ever help my mother with household duties. Why he said that I don’t know. But my father, to this day, does NOT help my mother with any domestic chores. Oh sure, he will drive her to work and to the grocery store, etc.

But he will not help cook (she says she doesn’t want him to do that anyway, because she says he’s nasty 😂).

He will not help clean.

He will not help pay for groceries.

He will pay half on their bills, but he will not pay for new appliances or furniture or anything like that. As I have stated before, he is such a reprehensible person.

Now, he has to use a cane. And so it is almost as if he is using WI to feign being incapable of doing anything, especially now that he has that cane.

So, husbands using WI to get out of performing household duties really isn’t a new thing. I mean, it sounds familiar where the man doesn’t lift a finger around the house, and all of those menial tasks are, therefore, delegated to the woman.

I can only imagine the hostility that can emerge as a result of this.

I realize there are people who are the “you’re not doing it right. Then I may as well do it” type. We all know those types. They feel that they can perform the job better or if it’s not done THEIR way, then they will just do it themselves. And the WI offender may certainly use this to their advantage.

However, does this sort of behaviour do anyone any good?

And again, the offender may just be doing the task poorly on purpose!

Honestly, this sounds like the work of children. Wouldn’t a child pretend to not be able to do something simply to get out of doing it? Just a thought.

Now my two cents on the matter. For the sake of everyone’s mental health who have fallen prey to this, kick that lazy-ass husband out!!

Fire that “incompetent” coworker, because if you are not pulling your weight, then what good are you to the company?

This all may sound extreme. So, try a different approach: The next time that coworker pulls this bullshit, then take the time to show them how to do said task. And then from that point on, they are on their own.

As far as the lazy husband (or wife) – fine. Clean YOUR space and cook YOUR OWN meals, and allow that lazy SOB to fend for themselves!

Going back to my mother, she does REFUSE to do my father’s laundry! 😂😂😂

Mentally, WI helps no one. I think in the end that WI can cause bitterness, resentment, guilt, and lots and lots of conflict, whether the WI is done on purpose or not. And perhaps there could be self-esteem issues if the WI is not done on purpose and the offender feels that someone is constantly doing something for them because they are unable to do it themselves.

Before you go, please visit my Derek Store. You never know what you might find. 😉

Please return next week when the discussion will be on bragging, especially with regard to social media. You will not want to miss.

So, until then please be safe and, as always, mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

Hello, all. I am back with another potentially controversial and hot topic.

Religious Guilt. And leaving it behind. 

Other keywords: Religious trauma. Religious abuse.

For starters, please click on the banner below to witness my religious indoctrination in a cult.  

It has been my personal experience with religion, that EVERYTHING is a sin. We are ALL sinners, according to the Christian Bible, and “we have come short of the glory of God,” apparently by merely existing. 

In other words, MY interpretation (and probably the interpretation of others) is that we are all horrible, bad people who do not deserve anything but the back of God’s hand. There. Did I describe it correctly? 

As religious people, we (may) feel that we are worthless in the eyes of God, and that HE is the only way to redeem us. Well, this is what the Bible and other religions teach us. However, for some people it turns into this ingrained belief that we are nothing, and as stated above despicable, guilty, and worthless human beings. People do not understand that this really can negatively affect your self-esteem, self worth and psyche.  

Let’s talk about those religious individuals and their view of the world. Nine times out of 10, their purview of the world through their religious lens is that the world is sinful, bad and that as a religious person you are not to partake of ANYTHING of this world, else you will be damned for eternity. Oh so there’s the fear element, as well. 

The shame, the guilt, and the condemnation. 

My experience has been that there are many “religious” people who are just downright mean and nasty. They weaponize religion and think that’s their golden ticket to heaven. And truthfully, nobody’s got time for all that anymore. 

And then you leave said religion, and the GUILT follows you. Let me tell you it has taken me DECADES to free myself of the voices of guilt ingrained in me, not only from my experiences in that nasty church I attended in college, but also of my own grandmother’s voice echoing in my brain.

“If you are disobedient, God’ll shorten your days.”

“Give the Lord some of your time.”

She wanted me to (continue to) go to church once I hit Carolina’s campus. And that is what led me into the cult. Again, please see above. 

Now. What do I actually mean by religious guilt?

I define it as being a part of a particular religion in which you experience feelings of guilt towards everything from sexuality to money to just simply being a human being. However, your particular religion speaks against whatever you may just be feeling guilty over.

The best example, I think, is being gay. Homosexuality. There are numerous people who are religious AND gay, and they experience such feelings of guilt over their NORMAL sexual orientation. After all, the Bible (and other religious books) have horrendous things to say about homosexuality, none of them good or positive. 

This religious guilt is definitely spread across most religions. When I think of those religions where people experience the highest feelings of religious guilt (or from now on I will refer to it as RG) are Catholics and Christians. Oh, and those individuals who have kicked their religions to the curb. I must include them, as I will be speaking about those people in a minute. I’m one of them by the way.

As I said earlier, I really do believe that the highest feelings of RG center around sexuality and/or sexual orientation. 

After all, basically all religions say that in order to engage in sexual intercourse or any form of sexual activity at all, you must be MARRIED. And that sex must be between a MAN and a WOMAN. Whatever.

So, even the str8s don’t get a break where sexuality is concerned, that is if they are religious. They must wait until marriage, and certainly a lot of religious females hold onto their virginity until then.

Whatever you choose to do with your body is most certainly your business. And I would never tell anyone to ‘screw your religion and go out and be a whore.’ No. How you feel is how you feel. That’s your personal right and your personal choice. 

And perhaps if certain religions loosened up on sexual activity, perhaps there wouldn’t be such high incidences of pastors and preachers and PRIESTS engaging in sexual activity with CHILDREN!!!

But I will say this. Regardless of what religious book is out there (because keep in mind, at the end of the day it was really written by a man, though the idea is it is by the inspiration of God) – anyway, regardless of what the books say and the scriptures and the religion, sexuality is actually a very basic and NORMAL thing. And my little secular pea brain always thought, what is the big deal to engage in sexual activity? As long as it is between two consenting adults (or more), no one is being hurt or forced, then it is all right. These bodies were built for pleasure.

And then there’s abortion. Uh. Oh. Here. We. Go.

My opinion on abortion, for what it’s worth is IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS AND THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD STAY OUT IT!

I also wrote a rather lengthy post on the striking down of Roe v. Wade. No doubt the religious fanatics were happy over that one. However, I really don’t think they understand what they have done. They have placed a great number of women’s health in jeopardy.

I would venture a guess that all religions feel the same about abortion: That it is a no no and a sin. Murder is one of the keywords surrounding the issue of abortion. Many people think it is murder. I do not because the embryo cannot be viable outside of the woman’s body.

Also, you don’t know the reason why a woman makes the decision to terminate her pregnancy. If I were a bio female, and I was pregnant, I don’t know if I could make that decision. But that is how I THINK I would feel about it. And there are the circumstances surrounding the reason why a woman makes that choice. What may be right for me, may not be right for someone else, and vice versa. 

However, religion could play a huge factor in a woman’s decision as to whether or not she is going to end her pregnancy.

More of that guilt.

Moolah. MONEY!!

Because of my financial situation, I sometimes revert to the old mindset of tithing, or NOT tithing, as the reason why I’m money challenged all the time. 

I do not tithe to any church. However, it occurred to me, that instead of sending my money to a church, why don’t I start giving to charities? Give to people who REALLY need it. And I have started that, and I have seen some little miracles surrounding my money!

The tithing thing stuck with me for a long time. I have heard from MANY preachers “if you don’t tithe your money and give your 10%, you will be broke!”

That isn’t true. I believe that when “you give, you receive.” The concept that a lot of churches use is WRONG, in my opinion. Money is energy and on an endless loop. It is the cycle of giving. However, I do believe man tainted it with HIS interpretation with regard to religion.

Again, I don’t wish to tell anyone what to believe or what to do with their money.

I QUIT!!

The RG, around those of us who quit that mess, can be overwhelming. And I say it, because imo religion is a MESS!!

Being involved with United Christian Fellowship, when I was in college, nearly drove me insane. The constant having to watch what I say and do, and to attend church all the time and the praying in church early in the morning, which was a requirement if you were going to join the praise band, which I did on both trumpet AND clarinet. 

But it was the not being able to watch secular TV and yes, particularly my soaps between 1985 and 1987, or listen to secular music, that truly caused me to go off the deep end. I literally started hearing voices, (well, more like intrusive thoughts, which is the reason why I started this blog). 

I do not believe I am schizophrenic, neither do I suffer from hallucinations, and I do believe this cult experience set my OCD, which I still struggle with today, into HIGH gear!!

I felt TREMENDOUS guilt during my time in the cult when I would purchase secular music, listen to it in secret, and then throw it away! That is how messed up I was! I was roommates then with my former bestie Charles, who was also in the cult. So, I couldn’t let him know what I was up to. Ugh! I shudder when I think back to all of that.

I felt horrible about myself. I couldn’t do ANYTHING that came natural to me, and yes, that would include masturbation. There. I said it. 

And to have a gay thought, oh forget that! 

Fast forward to much later in my life many years after the cult, some of my thoughts included:

‘God doesn’t like me.’

‘He wants me to suffer.’

‘Things will never change for me for the better because I left the church.’

And hearing from certain preachers, things like:

‘All dreams are not of God.’ Well, I felt that was speaking about my acting and writing.

‘God is here to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.’

And there was the tithing, money thing. I believed that because I wasn’t tithing to a particular church was the reason why I was poor all the time.

And let me not forget when I returned to school for medical transcription and medical billing and coding. In my medical billing and coding class, I UNFORTUNATELY ended up in a class with all BLACK WOMEN. It was a small class, but the thing is that all of them were CHRISTIANS. And they claimed that they were having church rather than having class, which was highly inappropriate. And I should have said something. I should have left.

And my little friend Katrina who would say “I’m only the messenger” whenever she would basically speak against something we should not be doing. For example, when I told her I was a playwright, she told me one time that I should be writing only “Christian plays!” And once again, I felt guilty because I wasn’t!!

But the bitch was actually fucking her boyfriend, and they WERE NOT married! Bitch, bye!

All of the above was just MESSED UP!!!

So, in essence, I have NOTHING good to say about religion!

I am not knocking religion (okay, maybe just a little). Hahaha! All I will say is that as far as I’m concerned, religion should make you a BETTER person. You should not be judgmental. You should not be in the habit of condemning people, but accepting people for who they are. And above and beyond all else, you should display kindness ALWAYS and be helpful to others. 

And your religion should NOT be used as a weapon against others. What do I mean by that? Using YOUR religion to make others feel guilty or to condemn them or make them feel bad. 

If God is THAT concerned with me masturbating, listening to secular music, and watching secular television programs – and considering the truly evil things that go on across the globe, such as child abuse, politicians stealing from us, deranged presidential candidates, rape, murder, wars – yet He is more concerned over what little Derek is doing, that’s a problem. I am NOT the big bad wolf, regardless of what religion I may profess!

Besides, if you need a religion to be a good person, then maybe your religion isn’t as rock solid as you may think. I take that back. Maybe YOU are not as rock solid as you think. You don’t need a particular religion to know right from wrong. But I suppose you think you need one to get into heaven. Chirp. Chirp. Cricket. Cricket.

I think one of the ways to escape RG is through therapy. I know. I know. The answer to EVERYTHING. But you need an outside ear to help you navigate the choppy waters of either feeling that guilt within your said religion or from leaving that religion altogether. 

First of all, you are not a bad person. You are a HUMAN. However, a great number of religions ask you to act as if you are superhuman. We are all fallible. We all make mistakes. But you learn from them and move on. Again, doesn’t make you a bad human.

Someone once told me “humans are messy.” Yes. We are. Regardless of who are you, who you think you are, and who you proclaim to be. And most certainly what religion you may profess.

Before you exit, please stop by my Derek Store!!

That’s it for today. Please return next time when I discuss weaponized incompetence. You’re probably asking WTH is that? Well, you’ll have to stay tuned to find out. Until then, please be safe and mentally well!   

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

Welcome back, my dear readers and friends!

WARNING: Today’s post is NOT intended to be a nice one, but definitely an honest one.

I STILL hold grudges. There. I said it. I most certainly do, and I am not going to lie about it or keep it to myself any longer. 

People are always saying “let it go.” And I don’t think they even know what that really means or how to actually let something go. Easier said than done, especially if even when you think about someone who hurt you or did you wrong DECADES ago, and the same feelings of bile, vitriol, and even hate, bubble up to the surface. 

Oh and I even wrote a post about the whole letting go thing. Check it out below.

So, I don’t want to hear “Derek, just let it go? What good does it do you to hold onto it?” And my personal favorite, “you need to forgive so-and-so for such-and-such.”

First of all, there is no such word as forgiveness in the Taurus vocabulary!! 😂🤣♉🐂

I honestly think tossing around the word “forgiveness” is so overused. I understand what people mean by it, but I think what they really mean is to move on from the hurt. Now, THAT is something I can relate to. I do not sit around thinking about all the hurts perpetuated upon me my entire life or the people who committed the acts of pain in my life. I keep myself rather busy with my blog, for instance, and other wonderful things in my life.

Secondly, let me explain my position.

If you do something to me, and it hurt me, and then I tell you about it and/or you realize you did something wrong where am I concerned, and you actually apologize SINCERELY – then you stand a much better chance of forgiveness from me. And yes, I have forgiven people before and moved on, and even remained friends. There are also people that I did forgive WITHOUT them acknowledging their wrong, etc. Those types of forgivenesses – is that a word 😂 are only reserved for family, mostly.

And forgiving to me means you are overlooking what someone did. And I don’t believe in that. I believe in actually moving FORWARD and not THINKING about the person and the injustice. I also make a mental note of that person and tell myself “okay. THAT’S how they REALLY are. I do not wish to be involved with them anymore.” 

But no, you ain’t getting a forgiveness from me, unless a couple of the above conditions exist, i.e. a sincere apology. And we all know how earth things are about apologies.  

You shouldn’t have done or said what you did in the first place. I don’t do it or try not to, and when I realize I was wrong, I (underline I) apologize.

And yes, we are all humans and we can unintentionally hurt one another. Very true. However, if you realize your mistake, you should apologize for it. 

But there are so many people walking around with their heads so far stuck up their collective arses, that they think they are gold, God and are above reproach. 

THE LIST OF THE UNFORGIVEN

I will NEVER forgive some of my high school classmates for tormenting me and calling me homophobic names when I was in school with them.

And the day I graduated from low school on June 7, 1985, (coincidentally Prince’s birthday), everyone was in tears, except me. I couldn’t WAIT to leave. Some of these people had tormented me since elementary school. And I’m supposed to cry over leaving them? Hell will freeze over first. Unless we’re talking tears of joy! 🤣😂

So, no. I’m NEVER going to forget or forgive being bullied, all the homophobic slurs that were lobbed my way as a child and even into my teen years and beyond.

I will NEVER forgive a certain job, which shall remain nameless – you know the one, where I “acted like I didn’t want to be there.” Bitch, you didn’t want to be there either! This horrid place made a mockery of my talents – and the talents of others. Why would I want to be someplace where people are miserable, controlling, NOT doing their jobs, and also letting your fellow coworkers get away with bullying you??? 

That is the type of person I absolutely ABHOR, and that’s a bully. And workplace bullies can be just as bad as schoolyard ones. And after having been bullied, I can be a real BITCH when confronted by one. 

I’m NEVER going to forgive being in a certain band that essentially mistreated me and chased me away. And there were soooooo many other problems with this group, way too many to even mention. Can we say overly sensitive millennials, for one?  

I don’t want any of these people near me. And I am very thankful that I don’t have to see or deal with these people any longer. That has certainly been good for my mental health and well being. 

So, you are probably thinking, “then you are angry and bitter.” And I have been told that countless times when speaking of certain past events, sitautions, and people. And I say, okay. And? This is why I DON’T think of them, and I am happy as a result. And if I happen to talk about them, I am not going to sound sweet and ooey and gooey about them. I’m keeping it real!! 

Now, I do hope that perhaps one day I can do an even better job of moving forward and moving past the grudges. But we’ll see. 

I know I’m not alone in the grudge department. There are so many people who don’t want to admit it, because it is so much more in fashion to be “positive” and “forgiving.” LIARS! 😂😂

Feel how you feel. Acknowledge your true feelings. Don’t hide them as others do. You can’t help how you feel about something or someone. And my feelings happen to be stronger than most. And I own that. I’d rather be honest about how I feel than not. 

However, there are ways I deal with my grudges. And surely you’ve seen the list before:

1. Listening to music.

Oh look. Annie sums it up quite well in this song. 😂😂😂

You hurt me, and I HATE you!! 😡🤬🤬🤬

2. Playing my trumpet.

3. WRITING!!

4. As one example of writing, writing this blog.

5. My screenplays!

6. Immersing myself in 80s soaps!

7. Meditation.

And get this: I really believe you can use the fuel behind your grudges and, yes, hatred towards other people to propel you to do good things in your life. Instead of focusing on them, focus on what you wish to accomplish and use that energy for that instead. So, I guess what I’m saying is I do believe in using my “pain” to force me to get off my butt and do something with my life! 😂

Use it! I don’t see a problem with that. I mean, after all I’ve managed to write TWO horror screenplays, a miniseries (I’m on part 5, each consisting of 120 pages!!) and there is Fabulous And Gorgeous entering Season 3! So, yeah. I’ve been busy. 

There is a lesson in these grudges. And that is not to repeat the same mistakes twice. Or to deal with the same grubby people as before. Don’t stay where you are not wanted or appreciated or loved. My fave saying is, “don’t stay where the love isn’t being served.” Run. Not walk away from situations, people, relationships, friendships that cause you harm or diss you. Simply RUN! I honestly wish I had gotten that lesson eons ago. If I had, I wouldn’t have stayed in certain situations as long as I did. 

Well, enough of my rant. This is it for today. But don’t go away just yet, until you’ve gone on over to the Derek Store! 😉🍹

That’s it for today. Come back next week when I tackle religious guilt. Until then, please be safe, and as always, mentally well! 💖

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hi there, my dearest friends! Welcome back!

As I stated at the end of my last post, if horoscopes are your bag, then this is the post for you.

If you study the movement of the planets or know anything about planets being in certain signs, then you know that Uranus has been in Taurus since 2018, and will remain there until 2026. 

I won’t give a breakdown of what to expect in each sign. However, I will leave that at the end, along with other sources. 

So. Let’s get this planetary party started! 

In a nutshell, “when Uranus is in Taurus. Taurus is a sign that likes things steady and stable, and isn’t the best at handling big, sudden changes … but big, sudden changes are what Uranus is all about! Taurus would prefer to stick to the status quo and keep doing things the way they’ve always been done.”

In other words, Uranus is known for change and upheaval and even revolution; whereas Taurus, which is ruled by Venus, is more about wealth, money, comfort, and stability. And any Taurus worth their salt will tell you just how much we HATE, LOATHE, and DESPISE change! We LOVE our routines and our creature comforts. ♉

The last time Uranus was in Taurus was well… gulp… from 1935 to 1942. Now, gee. What was going on during this time? I couldn’t imagine. 🤔

And if you really don’t know, then let me help you out.

From 1935 to 1942, we saw the rise of Adolf Hitler in Nazi Germany. We were also witness to the Great Depression and the beginning of World War II, and lots and lots of invasions. Well, I wasn’t, but you catch my drift. 😂🤣

So, needless to say, these were pretty dramatic times. 

Breaking Down the last time Uranus was in Taurus!

In 1935, the United States was essentially still in the middle of the Great Depression.

Around the world, we saw countries invade other countries: 

Italy invaded Ethiopia. 

Britain invaded Ethiopia. 

Germany invaded Poland. 

Germany invaded Czechoslovakia. 

Germany was just downright mean back then.

Sadly, the Jews in Europe were persecuted. Millions of Jews died during the Holocaust, which began in 1941.  

Japan bombed Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, which brought the United States into World War II, as if we didn’t have enough problems at this point.

So, the last time Uranus was in Taurus was a hot mess, needless to say. 

And it isn’t like it’s a big bowl of vodka-filled cherries now.

Let’s make some comparisons: 

1935 – the rise of Hitler versus now - the rise of a certain lying, cheating, insurrectionist, racist, rapist criminal. 

1935 – Great Depression versus now – well, it would actually appear that the economy overall isn’t doing too badly. And the markets seem to be holding steady, as far as I can tell. By all means, correct me if not. From what I understand, the Fed has cut interest rates, which is a good thing. The only thing of concern would be if certain stocks took a meteoric rise, leaving others behind, that may not be so good.

1941 – the U.S. is literally bombed into World War II versus now – Russia has been at “war” with Ukraine for nearly the past two years. And there are whispers of war between the U.S. and Russia and/or China.

For me, the most chilling part is the Rise of Hitler versus the rise of that “thing” since 2015/16. That to me is the most scary and sinister part of all of this. Not to mention, the horrific rise of the MAGA Republicunt Party. Yeah. I said it. This is MY blog post, and I’ll say what I wish. So, there! 

That orange asshat has already stated that on Day One of his “presidency,” he’s going to be a dictator. The things that he has espoused are disturbing and frightening, just like Hitler. 

The polarization in the U.S. and yes, around the world, too, is indeed alarming. And it has been the highlight since 2016 and it has definitely gathered steam, imo, since 2018 when Uranus went back into Taurus, again for the first time since 1935.

The question is in the coming years, will what happened in Nazi Germany to the Jews happen to those of us who are marginalized ? 

Will there be another Great Depression? 

Are we looking at more wars? And specifically, will there finally be the dreaded World War III?

Should we worry?

I try to not get into the worry territory as much as I used to, so I will say no. HOWEVER, I will say this: Be careful. and watchful and as they say, stay vigilant. 

So, let’s keep our chins up with some potential positives of this astrological transit.

• Major technological expansion in banking, such as cryptocurrency advances, and in online banking.
• The rise of more innovation in food solutions and sources, such as in – wait for it – AI robot packing and even drones shipping food, community gardens, hydroponics, and “instant” foods.
• Creative downsizing in housing, portable housing, and time-shared spaces.
• And the biggie, imo, technological advances! I mean, isn’t that what the future is supposed to be about? There could be increased automation and, again, AI-robot technologies will perhaps be front and center.
• And one we should all hope for – and that’s affordable clean and renewable energy!

So, in summation, is this really a good thing or will it turn out to be somewhat of a disaster like the last time? Time will tell. I think if we keep our collective heads and VOTE, then we will be all right. And also, be prepared for change, but make sure it is a positive one that will help all of us and not something horrific that will hurt us.

And by all means, don’t continue to allow our governments and politicians to lead us down a path we do not want! 

Thank you. That is all.

Before you exit this post, I welcome you to join me over at my Derek Store, by clicking on the banner below. Thanks! 

That’s it for now. But please join me next week when I tackle GRUDGES!!!! You definitely won’t wanna miss that. So, in the meantime, take care and, as always, please be mentally well!! 

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, all of my dear friends and readers! I hope all of you are doing well in 2024 thus far!

Alonely?? What the hell does that mean? Well, it’s a combo of Alone + Lonely. And I came up with the word to signify that just because one is single and “alone” doesn’t mean that you are lonely.

In other words, to quote one of my dear friends, “You don’t need a man!” Or woman if you’re a hetero male, lesbian or bi. 😁😂🌈🌈🌈

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, you know all of the attention is going to be on couples. Yawn. 

I made a bold statement in one of my blog posts at the end of 2023:

Society says you’re not complete unless you have someone. After all, people congratulate you for being coupled, yet they do not congratulate you for being single and being able to stand on your own. They think being alone signifies weakness and that NOBODY wants you. However, if you are coupled, married, partnered, etc. you must truly be something special. 

Please click on the banner below to read the full article. And yes, it is about me chasing men throughout my gay career. You can also access Parts 2 and 3 within this post in the dropdowns from Blog Posts from 2023.

At any rate, as the saying goes, just because I am single and alone, doesn’t mean I am lonely. I first heard that wayyyyyy back in the day during an episode of Good Times, where Florida and Thelma were trying to fix Willona up, because they thought that since she was not married (any longer), that she must be in need of a MAN!! 🤣

That is when Willona uttered the line, “just because I’m alone, doesn’t mean I’m lonely,” which sort of stuck with me all these years. Too bad I didn’t pay much attention to it, as it would have saved me a lot of grief and heartache.

You know that society tells you and pounds into your head that we are sexual creatures and that we were built to be mated and coupled and shacked up and shit. However, if it doesn’t happen or hasn’t happened YET or what have you, people look at you strange. They regard you as not good enough. Or perhaps you regard yourself that way, because you know the couples are having a bloody good time loving each other and being… coupled. I’m being sarcastic. 😉😂

There is NOTHING wrong with being single. And there is NOTHING wrong with you if you are still single. It has taken me all these YEARS to realize that I am still a wonderful being, an OUTSTANDING creation on my own. That the idea of someone “completing me” is sort of ridiculous. I feel complete as Derek!!

And I will not disagree that it would be fun to have a partner. But I am no longer holding my breath. At 56 years young, I am enjoying my life as is. Believe me, I have plenty to do and to accomplish. 

I am really starting to dig being single. Being surrounded by so many couples (and of course having it thrown in your face constantly on social media), I can say I truly appreciate being on my own. I LOVE not having to answer to anyone else. Not having to be responsible for anyone else. Not having to worry about or take care of someone else. It is actually quite freeing.

And nope. I don’t see any downsides of being single. If you are talking about having a companion to accompany you to places, bitch, I have been taking myself to the movies, restaurants, and on vacations, et al since my 20s!!! Heck, I took myself to Europe back in May of 2022 for my birthday!!! 

I am not saying I’m against being coupled. If it happens, it happens. However, I am no longer waiting/pursuing it. 

Ooooooo watch out, Derek! Because they say that is when “it” happens. You find the one when you’re not looking or least expect it. Well, he ain’t showed up yet! 😁😂😂 Not to my knowledge anyway. And I ain’t changing who I am and how I am or my behavior. I am super focused on MY life and MY healing and MY career. 

Going back to the meat of the post, about not being lonely, that’s another thing, I am surrounded by people. I go out and I am ALWAYS going to see people I know. I connect with people on social media. I connect with friends via texting. I constantly speak with my mother and aunt.

But Derek, it’s not the same as, you know, a MAN!!! I know, but I am so used to it that it doesn’t bother me anymore. It is what it is. And again, I am SUPER BUSY with Derek stuff. 

Besides, I get plenty – and I do mean – PLENTY of attention from MEN!!!!!  

And that is it for today. 

Before you check out, please stop by my online store, The Derek Store! 

Please come back next week when I delve into Uranus being in Taurus, and what that really means. So, if you are into horoscopes, then this is the post for you! Until then, please be safe and mentally well! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back, my fellow fighting-the-good-fight-to-stay sane friends! 😁

As promised from last week’s post, which you can click on the banner below, I decided to write about healing our childhoods. 

The previous post was about how being an adult can really suck, but I also included ways to recapture your childhood. 

This week is the healing. 

If you feel that you don’t need to heal your childhood or even think it’s possible, and/or your childhood was hunky dory and a slice of 24/7 heaven, then by all means disregard this post. 😉

However, there are still many of us with ghosts, slights and hurts from our past. And I don’t EVER want to hear ‘oh just get over it!’ Or ‘let it go!’ Or ‘that was in the past.’ That is NOT helpful, and much easier said than done. 

What a lot of people don’t realize is that you can still carry your childhood into adulthood. And this time I am not talking about recapturing the positives from that era. I am talking about the negative stuff that may still be buried underneath.

I don’t want this to turn into a “let’s blame everything on our childhood and/or mothers/fathers” kind of post. This is intended for clarity and understanding and of course, healing. 

Underlying Fear and Anxiety

Perhaps the reason so many of us are so fearful today, as well as filled with anxiety, can be attributed to our childhoods. (And not just the political climate or the bad news we hear on TV.)

If you were raised by parents/caregivers who raised their voices a lot and/or shouted, whether it was at you or in general, maybe you grew up feeling anxious whenever someone raised their voice. Maybe it makes you feel nervous and fills you with dread.

Perhaps you were raised with a doom and gloom caregiver, like I was. I love my grandmother Costella Julia Ward to death. BUT she was filled with such anxiety and dread, she kinda passed that on to me. When I was a child, I literally couldn’t be outside playing two feet away from the house when she would come outside and yell for me. 

“Derek, where are you??? Stay where someone can see you!!” 

Heck, her voice was so powerful, a lot of times she yelled from inside the house, and I could still hear her!! 🤣

My point is that sort of anxiety came along with me into my adulthood, and I am just now realizing it and doing something about.

The Low Self-Esteem

The constant nitpicking by your caregivers.

The whole “you’ll never amount to anything!” Or in my case, this is what I heard from my grandfather “you’re going to grow up to be sorry.”

All the “teasing,” which to a little kid can be belittling. 

Comparing siblings. A parent/caregiver should. NEVER. DO. THAT!!!

All of the above can leave a child feeling worthless and give them such extreme low self-esteem, that it is very possible they may grow up to make some pretty horrendous choices when it comes to friendships, relationships, etc.

Codependency

Oh Lord another biggie. Codependency is when you become emotionally attached to a partner for ALL of your needs. Webster says this is related to a person you become attached to who needs support because of illness or addiction. HOWEVER, I believe this can apply to just about any circumstance. 

I have certainly been codependent in my relationships, especially with regard to friendships. In these one-sided friendships, I was like the sidekick, the 2nd wheel, the Stan Laurel to someone’s Oliver Hardy. The Barney Rubble to someone’s Fred Flintstone. It was sickening. 

Of course, if you were raised by alcoholic and/or drug-addicted parents, the codependency might certainly be even stronger. 

In other words, you need to be the saviour in the relationship. 

Feelings of guilt

How many of you grew up with parents or caregivers who made you feel guilty about every little thing? Yes, the whole cliche/stereotype of the Jewish/Italian mothers making their children feel guilty, especially in adulthood. 

You know it definitely works in childhood, too. 

You had better do such and such or ELSE, basically. And of course when you drag God into it, watch out.

“God’ll shorten your days for being disobedient!” Okay, that is also fear. That certainly can make a child feel guilty, and of course, scared.

And with along with guilt typically comes his brother shame. Shaming children is most certainly an “effective” way for parents and caregivers to get their children’s attention, and to attempt to correct behaviors. But in the end, all it does it cause adults who were shamed as children, to feel shame as adults. 

Having your voice silenced!!!

“Shut up!” 

I was told that constantly growing up, especially when it was perceived that I was “talking back.” And I know a lot of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Oh, sperm donor, er my father STILL tries it. Except he tries that shit with EVERYONE in our immediate family. 

“Let me finish.” 

No, bruh, we aren’t even going to let you get started. 

Needs not being met – particularly emotional needs.

I pretty much got everything I wanted as a child. However, when it came to emotional needs, I don’t think so. I can guarantee you that all the above I have talked about thus far, pertains to me, too. 

No one in my household talked to me; they talked DOWN to me. I was yelled at. I was told off, essentially. I was told I was worthless. No one really took the time to talk to me about life, about how I was doing, what I was feeling. No one took the time to discuss with me my goals and dreams for my future. These are so damn important when you are raising a child! 

The People Pleasing

‘Let me say and do the right thing so I can make everyone happy.’

‘I had better not make waves or I will not be liked or even fired,’ if we’re talking about a job. 

‘I’d better keep my mouth shut about something that is truly bothering me, or I’ll lose this person.’ Yep. Going back to having your voice silenced. 

This probably comes from childhood where you tried your level best to not make waves or not make your parents angry, etc. Walking on eggshells, so to speak to KEEP THE PEACE. I did it in relationships and friendships, too. 

And quite frankly, I am sick and tired of trying to keep the doggone peace at my old age! 

Disappointments

Being disappointed hurts, no matter what age you are. However, to a child, a disappointment can have much more devastating effects. We have all been disappointed by something or someone. It is going to happen. And in my opinion, the disappointment comes in the form of some sort of expectation that is not fulfilled. But again, what if it happens and you are a child? And it happens constantly?

I think it goes back to what we have discussed thus far from the above list. I believe it really hits you in the self-esteem department. And if you grow up with numerous disappointments, then as an adult, you expect the same. ”Why should I expect any different? It’s just going to be the same old thing. I am not going to get what I want.”   

So. I have painted a pretty horrid description of what your childhood could have been, I mean other than the fun stuff. And I understand that adults have their own issues to deal with. And if you have to raise children, then suddenly there is this kid with all its needs. Oh boy! 

My grandmother had to deal with the fact that my grandfather cheated on her left and right, and sired outside children as a result. And some other pretty horrible stuff that he put her through. So, having to raise me was indeed an extra burden, since she had already raised her own children.

But the “damage” has been done so to speak. And the next step is recognizing all the above, all the patterns and underlying feelings you brought with you from childhood. 

Let’s Start the Healing

I am healing my childhood by first of all actually remembering what it was like in my household. I am not angry about it. I am remaining detached from it as I relive certain events. It is almost as if I am watching a TV show, or one of my soap operas. 📺📺📺

I try not to get angry, though in my dreams I sometimes get pretty angry when I see some of them, meaning my grandparents and aunt who raised me. And I think it is residual anger from that time. I don’t feel the anger consciously. 

The next thing I do is not offer excuses – you know, the whole “they did the best they could” kind of thing. I don’t think that’s actually very helpful, whereas forgiveness is. However, I do recognize that there were certain circumstances in my household that had NOTHING to do with me, such as my grandfather’s affairs, which kept the household rather tense. However, I still was hurt.

Which brings me to another point, acknowledge that hurt. Admit to yourself such and such and this and that hurt you. And take it a step further, and say it caused me to feel this way later in life. Or to behave this way. 

I also tell myself that I am NOT my past or my childhood. I am not the negative stuff that occurred. I am not the pain. I am not the negative feelings I may feel now. 

And that’s just it: They are FEELINGS! It is okay to feel how you feel. It doesn’t define who YOU are!!!!

And as I discussed in last week’s blog post, I recapture the POSITIVE and HAPPY parts of my childhood, which are MANY and outweigh the horrible stuff. 

And this is very important: I separate the “okay, I know I did something wrong in my childhood where I deserved to be punished” versus the being yelled at and belittled for no reason. And being able to discern and recognize the difference. 

In summation, I realize I only scratched the surface covering some of the (potential) negatives from childhood, as there is so much that can definitely affect us as children. 

I think one of the most important things to realize in healing the child within is to love yourself. I know. The cliched love yourself first thingy. Hey, it’s true, though. 

Take charge of your life and know and understand that as an adult, you can now speak up for yourself and advocate for yourself. You don’t owe anyone anything; however, you owe yourself all the love and support possible.  

Well, now before you skiddaddle, please check out my online store!!! 

That’s it for today. Thank you for keeping up with me. I greatly appreciate it. Come back next week when I talk about how being single doesn’t mean you’re lonely. In the meantime, please stay safe and be mentally well! 

P.S. click on the sources below as they really give some valuable insight on how to heal your inner child. 

Source:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello all! And Happy New Year 2024!! Or as I like to say HAPPY NEW QUEER!!!! 🌈🌈🌈❤️❤️😂

I do hope that it is going well for all of you, thus far.

This will not be a New Year’s post as I’ve done in the past. This post is diving into being an adult, as the post suggests. But even more than that, I am going to discuss bringing back our childhoods. That’s right. Because you can, you know.

I know you’re all saying, “but wait a minute, Derek. You cannot go back in time to your childhood, like there is some sort of time machine.” 

And you would be correct about that. How I wish we could time travel. Perhaps one day. However, although you cannot do it via time travel or in your physical body, you can in your mind, heart and soul. 

Let me go back to the title of this post and reiterate how much it can REALLY and TRULY suck being an adult. 

The bills you have to pay.

The responsibilities, ESPECIALLY if you are a parent.

Trying to make ends meet.

Having a job.

LOOKING for a job – so you can be a responsible adult who pays those horrible bills, takes care of their children, and trying to make ends meet.

Paying those HORRID taxes!

Paying rent.

Buying these expensive-ass groceries. 

Keeping up with your car payment.

Keeping up with car repairs!!!!

Maintaining the overall care of your car.

The expensive gas that goes into your car!!

You get the picture.

And you are probably depressed right about now. 

But wait! Then there’s … DEATH.

Over the years, how many times have we seen our childhood icons pass away before our very eyes. And I don’t know about you, but with the passing of each and every actor, actress or musician or just public figures associated with my childhood, I say that another part of my childhood has just died, too.

Sadly, you watch as your parents and caregivers pass away, which can be extremely hard for many of us. 

Of course nothing or no one lasts forever, and the (quickly) passing time shows us that. And it also shows us that all of us are indeed mortals and will not be here forever. And that we are all getting old and one day we will all… well. You know.

Okay. Now, I am sure you are all TRULY depressed at this moment! 

Because it SUCKS to grow up and get old and pass away. 

But how come you can’t get some of that past back? Those Golden Years? Those fun times as a kid?

How do we know it is not actually good for our mental health? 

Let me address the whole ‘you can’t live in the past’ BS. Hell, you can do whatever you want to, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody, particularly yourself.

Returning to one’s childhood is different for different people. 

Perhaps it is running and playing in the rain. (I hate rain, so that wouldn’t be me.) Tee hee

Or maybe it is playing board games.

Maybe it is playing other childhood games like Red Rover or Hide ‘n’ Go Seek, fun outdoor games like that.

Skateboarding, which is now rollerblading or bike riding, which by the way adults still do!  

You see, children love to PLAY! And be loud and free. We, as adults, “grow” out of that and/or grow up, which we adults SHOULD grow up. But we lose our spontaneity and freedom and imagination. We inhibit ourselves. We now realize that the whole world is watching us and is expecting us to be grown up and have all the answers. To be almost perfect. And to definitely be responsible, but again, we lose that spontaneity. 

We also lose that wonder and amazement about our world and surroundings. For example, a drive to the grocery store is automatic, boring and mundane. A chore, bore and snore. Something we HAVE to do. However, why not take the time to REALLY look at your surroundings on that trip to the store? Forget about traffic. Forget about what you need to pick up from the store. Forget about the potential crowds at the store. Forget about the bills and responsibilities, for once. And just be. Take a really good look at your neighborhood as if you are seeing it for the first time.

And while you’re at the store, take a good look at that, too! Have fun with it. Make it a game! 

I see why people get pets. Talk about a childlike wonder in watching your pet grow and playing with your pet, even with all of the responsibility (and cost) of caring for one. I want another dog SO badly, by the way.

Diet!! Oh boy, we are all so OBSESSED with eating “right.” Eating our vegetables, losing weight, cutting certain foods from our diet, etc. Well, how about for once just eating like a child? I am not suggesting doing this all the time, but every now and then take a break from your normal eating routine and eat that candy or potato chips or chicken nuggets. Whatever you ate as a child. And of course, some of us already do this. 🤣

But perhaps take a break from the “adult” eating and indulge. Or as some people call it, their “cheat day.” 

What is Derek doing to recapture his childhood/youth???  

One way I have been doing this is through MUSIC!!

By now, you all should know how much music means to me. Whether it is music I listen to or music I can literally play myself on an instrument, music has always and WILL ALWAYS be extremely important to me. 

We will start with the music I listen to.

Girl!!! It’s all about the 70s and 80s and yes, the 90s, too. But if we are talking childhood, then that would be more 70s and 80s. And if you REALLY know me, I absolutely CANNOT stand the music of today. Or a lot of the artists. YECK! They. Are. HORRIBLE! I don’t care how many people worship them. And I will not name names. But let’s just say that I do not worship at their alter. Now, I do have a few exceptions, very few. But to me, there’s nothing like music from the 70s and 80s.

With regard to that Golden Era of musique, I am not the only one who feels that way. 

After all, if you are a Gen Xer like moi, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, because we were lucky, blessed, privileged – all the positive things – to have grown up with the music we did!!!

Moving on to the music I play on my instruments. 

Once again, if you really know me, then you know I can play several musical instruments. My main ones are the trumpet, which I started on; the clarinet (mine is broken now and I MUST get it repaired!!!); the flute; and the alto saxophone. 

And I still have SCORES and SCORES (pun intended) of sheet music from my past, especially when I was in junior high, high school and college. And yes, I do pick up my trumpet every now and then and relive the good old days of playing in bands of the glorious past! 

Christmastime finds me playing the greats of my previous band era, particularly when I was in low school. (High school)! LOLOL

Next up: NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS!!

I did an entire post on this back in 2021. 

It think it was during the pandemic starting in 2020, that I returned to my love of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. When I was a child of the 70s, I devoured the series, starting from the very first one of both. And by the time my brother came along in ’78, my parents were going to Toys ‘r’ Us to get his Pampers. 

And while they were purchasing his Pampers, I would always saunter over to the book section and browse the wonderful mystery series. And they basically had the ENTIRE series, which at that time, went up to about 54 or 55. And I began purchasing and collecting each and every one of them.

It wasn’t long before I had amassed quite a stack of them, hell a whole bookshelf’s worth! 

And when I wasn’t buying them in Washington, D.C., I would go to the Anson County Public Library and check them out!

I was OBSESSED!!

Then the TV series came out in 1977, starring Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy, and Parker Stevenson as Frank Hardy, and Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy. I was THRILLED!!!!

Returning to them in 2020, I started reordering them, picking up where I left off in the late 50s. I took about a year break from ordering and reading them. And I have restarted recently. I am now well into the mid 80s!! And there are over 120 of them in all!

I cannot talk about Nancy and the boys without bringing up the Three Stooges. 

Again, you can thank the pandemic of 2020 for restarting this one. I started rewatching on YouTube, and remembered how HIGH-LARIOUS they were/are!!! 

The next thing I knew I was gorging the ENTIRE series again, like a child. But it didn’t stop there. Because YouTube kept snatching them away (licensing, I suppose), I decided to order the entire series on DVD. So, big FU to YouTube!! 

So, I can watch whenever I want. And after putting the series back up on YouTube and it was up for a while, they have now snatched it again! Thank Goddess for my DVD’s! 

The Stooges have gotten me through dark times during this pandemic and beyond. Heck, they’re on in the background now!! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! 🤣😂😂😂

And fortunately, MeTV shows two hours of Stooges on Saturdays, starting at 6 p.m.! 

I have also discovered I am not the only Stooge fan. Several of my friends are, too. There is a fansite on Facebook that I am a member of, and there are so many fans there of ALL ages! People in their 60s and 70s (and I’m sure beyond) admit to their love of the Stooges and how they STILL watch!

When I was a young’un, I focused on the crazy antics of Curly, and Moe’s bossiness, and Shemp’s silliness. However, these days, I’m a Larry Fine fan. Rewatching now, I see just how funny he really was. And, once again, others agree. Other fans are rewatching Larry and developing a whole new appreciation for the “Stooge in the middle.”

I cannot continue this post without giving honorable mention to my love of One Life to Live, which I was introduced to in my childhood. Actually, soap operas in general were introduced to me – by my grandmother Costella, of course – during my childhood.

It really started with Days of Our Lives and Another World, and then I began focusing and gorging myself on All My Children and General Hospital. Then I began paying attention to One Life to Live at the height of the Viki/Niki stuff in 1985! And I have been re-hooked ever since. 

I did a blog post on the soaps recently. See the link below:

In summation, I must say that with all the tumult and tragedy going on in the world, with the CONSTANT wars and us being forced to take sides, and the economy and rising gas and food prices, and POLITICS, which has become rather sickening, as well as the ENDLESS mass shootings that NO ONE seems to be really doing anything about – I can see why I am now returning to my childhood. It is just safer. 

The 70s and 80s TV!!! HELLO!!!!!! So MANY iconic TV shows, too numerous to even mention!! (I STILL pretend I’m bionic, and I STILL think of myself as one of the Angels!!! And I DEFINITELY STILL SPIN LIKE WONDER WOMAN!!!!) 🤣🤣🤣 Let’s face it, the television shows and music of yesteryear were GOLDEN, CREATIVE, AUTHENTIC, MEMORABLE, AND ICONIC!

The shit of today, not so much. 

And I gain SO MUCH from reliving my childhood! I am happier and at peace, even if being an adult overall still really SUCKS!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Before you leave, PLEASE check out My Derek Store. You never know what you’ll find. 😉

That’s it for today. And since we have been talking about revisiting our childhood, please come back next week when we delve into HEALING our childhood! So, stay tuned! Until then, please be safe and mentally well! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, everybody!

Welcome back to another trip down Derek’s warped memory lane.

I started all of this actually back on Halloween, talking about one of my “men.” Then I decided to turn it into a full-blown three-part series. Here is Part 1, which discusses men from my time in North Carolina. Check it out!

And Part 2 picks up in Atlanta.

This third and final part is the wrap-up. And believe me, there could be up to, and possibly over, 10 parts to my chasing after these bozos. 😁😂

So, why am I coming forward with all of this? Why am I putting myself out there? Because, it was certainly a lesson learned. For one, sure go after what you want. BUT, don’t make a fool of yourself over someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.

And why on Earth did I do these things? I think part of it was the excitement of the chase. And also when I first came out, I thought I HAD to have a man. And I also thought it would be pretty easy to get one.

I felt I needed a man to “complete” me. Society says you’re not complete unless you have someone. After all, people congratulate you for being coupled, yet they do not congratulate you for being single and being able to stand on your own. They think being alone signifies weakness and that NOBODY wants you. However, if you are coupled, married, partnered, etc. you must truly be something special. 

The chasing was new and exciting and adventurous and, quite honestly, FUN! Even if it didn’t get me anywhere.

Plus I’m a Taurus with his Venus in Cancer and Moon in Leo. ☺❤ In a nutshell, that means I am super romantic. Or super foolish! 🤣😂 

And to be honest, I went after these guys because I was horny! 🤣😂😂 And also, I was a little cocky, thinking I was hot stuff back then. So, I strutted my stuff! 😂🤣

Speaking of, reminds me of how I used to wear the tightest T-shirts and shorts during the summertime, especially when I was after Mr. Enzor. 

And just a reminder of what I was up against with Charles, the photo above of Sam Elliot. Because, again, Charles was the SPITTING IMAGE of Sam back then!! WOOF!! 

Perhaps I wanted a father figure since mine was/is no good.

Or I was needy and lonely and needed someone to fill that void.

Perhaps it was my childhood. Oh hell! How the hell would I know?? 😂🤣

Or perhaps it was all of the above.

Let’s start with childhood, the potential root of it all.

I know, I know. EVERYTHING starts in childhood. It’s your childhood’s fault. Better yet, it’s your parents’ fault or grandparents’ fault or your caregivers’ fault, whomever raised you.

In my case, it was my grandparents and aunt. I am not BLAMING them, per se. However, I will say this, there was a void there growing up. I received all the toys and trinkets and trips and instruments and parties and compliments, etc. But when I look back upon it, there was something sinister and mean going on in that house. And I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my grandfather’s affairs that contributed to the toxicity and dysfunction of the Ratliff household.

The household was very angry at times.

The condescension towards me was mindboggling.

One of my grandmother’s fave phrases to me: “I’m sick of you! I wish ya mama and daddy would come get you!”

One of my grandfather’s fave phrases to me: “You’re gonna grow up to be sorry!” (meaning lazy and good for nothing.)

And my aunt would call me names, such as longhead. And she slapped me on occasion for being “mouthy.”

So, yes, some of this robbed me of my self-esteem. And yes, sometimes I felt unsure of myself and my place there in Wadesboro.

Now, I never felt unsafe. I just felt I couldn’t express myself. 

And let’s not forget the bullying at school.  

Later I (and underline I) became angry and bitter. In other words, I began emulating what I saw at 1002 Montgomery Street – my former home.

I became vengeful, starting in high school.

Sidebar to myself: But Derek, I think you loved as much as you could and were capable of, considering your upbringing and what you saw. I thought what I witnessed at 1002 Montgomery Street, i.e. my grandmother and grandfather fighting and arguing constantly was what it meant to be in a relationship.

And when I grew up and came out, I needed to be NEEDED. To be wanted. I needed someone to SAVE ME! To REALLY and TRULY accept me and tell me that I was okay, that I was worthy.

You see, these men were SUPPOSED to do that for me. Fix me and make me lovable and all right. And that just cannot be.

It’s not THEIR fault. They weren’t there at 1002. And they cannot “fix me.” Nobody can.

And no, I am not saying the typical things that one would say in these situations, you know the classic, textbook reasons for not loving yourself and doing destructive things in relationships. It really is true, as I reexamine myself under my Derek microscope.

There was an emptiness in me throughout all of the chasing, the foolishness and the craziness. Again, perhaps it sounds cliche, BUT there is SO much truth to it. I didn’t know who I was back then. And as a matter of fact, as I write this and reread it, I do not even recognize this person I am writing about. It literally is as if this is someone else’s story, someone else’s drama. But yep, it’s mine. 

When I think back to what I put myself through, what I put these men through – it makes me sad. It sickens me, actually. 

I wanted them to Stay by Me throughout my mania. 

When I didn’t get what I wanted from them, I became angry and destructive. I did and said terrible things to them. I acted out like an angry, spoiled child. And deep down inside, I was SCREAMING “why don’t you love me???? Why can’t you fix me??? Why can’t you tell me I’m okay???”

It was pathetic.

I guess I didn’t love myself much back then. But also, I was so used to following behind Teresa and Bob Mills. And you see how that turned out! 

I not only expected someone to fix me, but to heal me, too.

And now I know why I’m writing this. For deeper healing and understanding of myself.

And finally move on from all this. To finally move on from the neediness and the emptiness.

And to Go Solo, if necessary.

And to hopefully help someone else understand THEMSELVES!

But I know this now, for God’s sake, DON’T EVER chase after a man who is unavailable!! In any way, shape, or hot male form! 🤣

Now, I don’t chase after any gotdamn body! Let them chase after me for a change! I am sick and tired of this whole BS!

And if they don’t, I am totally fine with that. I wasted SOOOOOO much time with these jokers and tokers. No more. Let everyone else have all the relationship fun. And no, this ain’t bitterness. This is self-realization: These men were not good for me or my mental health!!! 

I am doing what I should have done a long time ago: Stick to my work, my passions, my gay-rear – er career. 😂🤣😃

And I most certainly should have listened to Charles B. E. and “keep it light and airy.” Le sigh. 

But as they say, lesson learned. And it is never too late to learn. 

Remember: Don’t make a fool of yourself and chase after someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.

That’s it for now. But before you depart, please check out my new website, The Derek Store. I’ve got goodies! 😊😂

This is my final post for the year. I want to wish everyone a SEASON’S GREETINGS, et al of whatever you celebrate during this time, if anything. Please be safe and mentally well, and I shall see you in New Year 2024! New posts starting back in January! So, see ya then! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Atlanta and beyond!

All righty! Welcome back to Part 2 of a three-part series (truthfully, it could be longer!) on me and the men I chased after. Check out Part 1 below in case you missed it from last week:

Okay, up next – The Israeli Chase. Then I took up with Ariel following the Darrell Debacle. And yes, he is from Israel, and yes, he is Jewish. And Ariel is also 10 years older than I.

And let’s just say his wife got in the way there.

All right, time to unpack that storyline a bit. Before I even arrived in Atlanta, I said that I wanted to experience what it would be like to be with a married man, just like my old pal Teresa. Monkey see, monkey do, I guess.

And the universe listened. Because no sooner had I landed in the ATL in July of 1993, I met Ariel on September 10, 1993, at the then Burkhart’s. He was short, stocky – sort of muscly, dark-haired and sexy. I believe that night he was wearing a red shirt and very tight jeans, that clung to his… assets. His shirt was open, and I noticed that he was wearing The Star of David. And I immediately realized that he was a Jewish guy.

We kept cruising each other. At one point in the eve, he was coming up the side stairs by the entrance, and I was going down. I always say we met when he was going up the stairs, and I was going down the stairs. And we constantly cruised each other on our particular trajectories.

I decided to go back up, and that is when we met, essentially near the steps. We conversed and got the intros out of the way. And the next thing I knew, we were outside on the back deck and in a corner where we made out!!!

Now, he claims he ejaculated in his jeans, and I suppose I should be flattered. But when he gave me his phone number, I noticed that it had an extension. He claimed this was his home number, and I thought right away – married. I was pretty savvy, I guess, for someone who was only 26 at the time. Ariel was 36.

After all this, I drove back to Austell, which is where I was living at the time. I looked him up in the phonebook, I think, because that is the only way I can remember that I got his home number, because he also gave me his last name. He answered, and the next thing I knew, I was going to Alpharetta, which is where he lived, way back then, at Neely Farms. I was only wearing my father’s leather coat, with NOTHING else underneath. Dang! That leather coat saw a great deal of action back then!! 😁🤣😂

I arrived at Neely Farms in the wee hours of the morn. He let me in. And he took me upstairs to his bedroom, the same one he shared with his wife. I know, I’m a slut. So, sue me.

It was then that I realized that he was definitely married, and he informed me that his wife and two CHILDREN were out of town!!! Which explained why he was out on a Friday night at a gay bar!! Oh my God!!

But I did it just the same, as we had sex in their bed. 😱

From that moment on, the chase was on. I wanted him. I couldn’t get enough of him. We spent as much time together as humanly possible, CONSIDERING!

I eventually met his wife and two children, a boy and a girl. As a matter of fact, I even went to a Yes concert with them and two other couples. I also went to the movies with him AND his wife!

I taught his daughter SAXOPHONE lessons!

I had dinner at THEIR HOUSE!

Heck, in 1994, I even moved to Alpharetta to be near him!!!

We would go walking together in the evenings.

And get this: My family even met him one Thanksgiving!!! He came over and met my mother, father, brother, aunt, grandfather and grandmother!! 😱 I told them that he was just a friend. 😂😂🤣

Remember that song? He’s just a friend? No? Well, anyway…

With us being closer, we had as much sex as we possibly could!!!

I actually owe my start in acting here in Atlanta because of him, because he somehow managed to get a part – as a background extra – in a movie, Andersonville, starring Fredric Forrest.

It was muddy and hot and grueling, but I LOVED it!! Ariel HATED it!! We were scheduled for two days. He didn’t go back, but I did all by myself! Wayyyyyy out in Griffin, GA, too!

Though I give Ariel credit for starting my acting career, he certainly was not good for my overall mental health. You see, my alters began reappearing, just like with Darrell back in North Carolina.

Ariel would CONSTANTLY talk about his wife. And I told him REPEATEDLY not to do that.

Ariel also told me the story about how when one of his brothers was killed in Israel, he ended up having a brief affair with his sister-in-law!!!

This occurred when he went back to Israel for the funeral.

And he described in excruciating detail how they made love and where they made love, the entire time he was there. Of particular odd note, was his narrative of them fucking on a huge rock in the middle of nowhere!!

Hearing about this would cause me to turn into my slutty alter, Nick Montraire!! And as Nick, I would go out and cheat on Ariel!!!! 

And there is one particular event that occurred one Saturday when Ariel asked me to tag along with him to meet a friend, aka former trick of his, at Hartsfield. This guy was making a stopover in the ATL, and wanted to see Ariel. As a matter of fact, I don’t know if Ariel actually asked me to come along or I forced my company that day. Because I was very jealous, and I wanted to check things out for myself. Either way, I SHOULD not have gone.

First of all, this guy, whose name I have absolutely forgotten after all these decades, was a psychiatrist, who Ariel had previously seen professionally to sort out his homosexuality. Oh give me a break!! And they ended up having an affair!!! Quelle Surprise!

Yet another one of Ariel’s former loves. As if dealing with Yossi, his Israeli friend who would ALWAYS speak only Hebrew in front of me with Ariel, wasn’t bad enough!!! And this Yossi also told me on more than one occasion that he could have Ariel ANY TIME he wanted! You see, Ariel encouraged Yossi and I to be “friends.” But I NEVER trusted that little bitch.

And dealing with Yossi was NOT good for my mental health either. 

But I digress, as that is another disgusting tale.

At any rate, during my little excursion with Ariel on the way to the airport, I could feel the anger bubbling up in my throat like volcanic ash. I knew trouble was brewing when I could feel myself slowly but surely turning into first Daryl Lord and then Terence. I believe Guillaume even emerged on I-85, and Ariel, I am quite sure, didn’t know what was happening. Or what to make of my very strange behaviour.

We arrived at the airport and met the friend, and I was God knows who at this point. During the lunch, I sort of disappeared. Or one of us did anyway. It was under the guise of using the restroom, except I never returned. At one point, I remember Guillaume reemerging, and since he is actually British (French name, English personality – go figure!), he was considering taking a flight to the U.K.!!

Then Daryl emerged and decided to get a drink at one of the numerous airport bars. And my absence was so extended, that Ariel had to have me paged! Ha!

But when Ariel FINALLY caught up with me, he wasn’t meeting me, but Daryl Lord!!! Daryl was more than a bit obnoxious and playful, except in an extremely rude way, of course.

As we were exiting the airport, it got very ugly. Ariel was lambasting me over not only my strange behavior, but my rudeness towards his friend and my abrupt exit.

Daryl didn’t care. So, he grabbed Ariel’s expensive sunglasses, tossed them up in the air, and let them hit the ground!!!

Needless to say, they shattered into a million pieces!! Ariel was mortified!! So, he grabbed mine, and broke them!

Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well. So, my violent alter Dirk, came out, and proceeded to beat the hell outta Ariel!!! Right there in front of God and everyone!! Including the cops!

By this time, Derek came back and was mortified by what Dirk had done!!

The cops didn’t arrest me, thanks to Ariel. However, I had to hear about it on the ride back to Alpharetta! Ariel was screaming at me, as I leaned forward with the tears (and the apologies) rolling out in a confused and embarrassed torrent of sorrow and despair.

He dropped me off at my apartment, saying that he NEVER wanted to see me again! It was a bit later I realized that in my violent outburst and thrashing, I also had torn off his Star of David. Oy!

I spent the rest of the day and night in bed. I think we were supposed to do something together that night. Needless to say, THAT didn’t happen.

Morning came and I was still in bed, curled up in a fetal position. I heard the key in the lock (yes, he had a key to my apartment). It was Ariel, of course. He felt sorry for me, and made me get out of bed.

All I could do was apologize profusely, saying it would never happen again. And it didn’t.

I asked, no BEGGED for forgiveness, which he gave me. He made me shower, put my clothes on and join him and his little boy for ice cream, which I did.

So, we made up. We had sex. And things went on like they never happened.

And to this day, I am so ashamed over what I did to him.

And to this day, whenever I’ve seen him since and apologize for it again, he always tells me that he chooses to remember our happy times together, not the bad.

But I had to realize that I had a problem.

Following the Israeli Chase, there was the Javier Chase.

This occurred in a slight overlap as things were ending with Ariel, in December of 1995.

As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember NEVER telling one about the other. And to be quite frank, following Ariel, I had decided that I was done with men. And that’s when Javier appeared!

But let’s go deeper with Javier. Ah yes, the dreaded Javier story. I’ve already written about that. So, I am just going to post the link to that here.

After Javier, there was someone whom shall remain nameless since we are friends on Facebook. ROTFL! Gee, let’s see if he can figure it out if he ever reads this. 😂🤣😃😄

We’ll just call it the Post-Javier Chase:

Anyhoo, I wanted this guy DESPERATELY! Oh, Derek, as if you didn’t want the others DESPERATELY! 😂 This was back in the late 90s, probably starting around 1997. This guy was so handsome back then. Dark hair, like I like ’em. I availed myself to him (not that way), but I did everything I could to be near him (just like Phil, Charlie, and all the others before him). We hung out a lot together within the same friends’ group. There were a great deal of bar nights and dinners and restaurants and parties. But nothing happened. I guess he just didn’t get the hint. Or I was just too afraid to be rejected again to give him a hint. Fear of rejection, thanks to Phil. 🤔

After awhile, he disappeared. Turns out he moved away to California.

And then over a decade later, he returned. Around 2019, I went to a trivia night at Woof’s, and there he was. I was sort of shocked to see him. Afterwards, a couple of years into the pandemic, we started reconnecting and hanging out again, going to restaurants, seeing each other at the Whoreaway – er the now-defunct Hideaway.

There were even phone calls.

Also, I brought up the attraction I felt for him during the late 90s. Turns out he felt the same way!! 😱 I guess we were both too afraid to admit then. Oh well.

Then all the hanging out, et al, stopped this year, for whatever reason. And this time I say, go away. And stay away.

Next: The KF Chase. Initials to protect the not-so innocent. 😃

I believe we met at Oscar’s in 2002, during a most horrible time in my life.

He was my type.

He was sexy.

Short, a bit stocky, dark-haired.

(See a pattern here?? Hmmm Darrell? Especially Ariel? Perhaps Javier?)

Anyway, KF had those sexy, deep-set eyes, like Robert De Niro. A real man’s man. He claimed to be bisexual. Yeah. Right.

But he played a lot of Guessing Games.

He expressed interest.

• We went out a couple of times. He was fun.
• But then it turned into this back and forth.
• He escorted me to one of my many birthday celebrations back in the day, and admitted in front of God and everyone at the table, where we were having dinner (and it had to be over 20 people there), that he used to be a hustler. And that he had also contracted THREE venereal diseases! 🫨😱
• I chased after him mercilessly, even after all that.
• He wanted to have sex with one of my very best friends (male) on a tennis court while I watched.
• We all later found out that he had slept with half of the gay male population of Atlanta! So, many guys came forward and admitted that they had slept with him! Even my writing partner at the time was shocked to learn that HIS boyfriend had also slept with KF. I was shocked, too. But I suppose I shouldn’t have been.
• And I was SO jealous over hearing that!
• I believe it was around Christmas 2010, I even invited him to a holiday work party when I worked at Children’s Museum of Hell – er Atlanta. He took me, and when the party ended at 8 p.m. (don’t ask), I dropped him off at his car back at my apartment, and it was good night. AT 8 P.M.!
• He ended up going into the military and traveling overseas. And that was pretty much the end of that. Thank God.

The Colombian Chase – I met this one at the then Burkhart’s. He was short, Colombian, and had the most beautiful piercing eyes I had ever seen since Javier’s. As a matter of fact, he sorta reminded me of Javier. Except this guy’s eyes were darker and more piercing, one could even say almost devilish.

He would pop up at Burkhart’s from time to time, and eventually I introduced myself to him. HIs name was Luis, and it turned out he was a Pisces, about two years younger than I. We became friends, but it was obvious there was more there.

And yes, we did sleep together.

And things sorta took off from there. The next thing I knew I was asking him to help me move into Midtown to live with that fat bitch Tammy Faye. But that’s another story.

Anyhoo, he was kind enough to do that. From there, things just escalated. Because the next thing I knew, he was calling me up in the middle of the week, in the middle of the night to go out!!!

He LOVED to party! We went to the bars late at night. We even went to the sex club. That’s right. THE SEX CLUB!! And even though we didn’t have sex together there, he would watch me!!!! 😱😂😁

We were ALWAYS wasted!!!!! It’s a wonder I could function the next day. Fortunately, at that time, I was working full-time from home as a transcriptionist.

At some point in time, there was a crossover with Luis and KF. Actually, KF eventually went from being bareback ER BARBACK at Oscar’s to the doorman to being a bartender. (I predicted this would happen, too!) And this was during KF’s bartender phase. Whenever Luis and I would show up on a busy weekend night, because Oscar’s was ALWAYS packed on those nights, KF was generally sorta hostile to Luis. So, much so that Luis stated that KF was jealous that we were together, because KF wanted me for himself!!

And the two of them would sorta be mean to each other from that moment. So, essentially, I had two men fighting over me. 😂🤣

KF even said to me on more than one occasion that Luis was NOT good for me!!

Probably true. But I went ahead and did it just the same. 😂🤣😁

During the Christmas holidays, I got Luis turned onto Albert Finney’s Scrooge. He was always singing the song Thank You Very Much. You could tell it gave him such joy to sing that song. It made me happy to see him so happy. 🎄🎅

When we watched Scrooge together, he would come over. Take a shower. And get into bed with me. Naked. Nothing happened. I swear.

Which is ANOTHER story. You see, at some point Luis didn’t think I wanted to sleep with him or have sex with him anymore. He was a little rough that first time, and I told him so. So, we stopped having sex.

But then things grew tense between us, because we started to fall in love with each other.

And THAT became a back and forth thing, too. He said he loved me, but he was confused. He thought we should be friends. And this frustrated the hell outta me. And I guess this is when the chase truly began. And more back and forth stuff.

And some of my alters began to reappear. It was awful.

My alters would show up, and Luis would get drunk.

Together, we were really a mess!!!

We finally had a talk in my car about the whole thing, where the love was admitted, but he didn’t know if we should be lovers.

And so, I called him to my apartment, and told him I just couldn’t see him anymore.

He left, and I could tell he was very upset. I watched him through the window as he left my apartment, and I could tell he was crying.

But the separation didn’t last long!!! We made up, and we continued our toxic relationship.

This. Went. On. For. YEARS!!!

Then there was that fateful night, he called me and asked me to meet him at Oscar’s, where he admitted that he was HIV+! 😱

And then about a year after that, I got angry with him at the old B.J. Rooster’s and because of him, I got thrown out of the bar and BARRED from returning!! LOLOL But you know I came back, and they let me in. 😂🤣😂😁

But I texted him and told him to stay the hell away from me!!!!

And he did. We didn’t speak for a couple of years.

One night I ran into him at B.J.’s, and we were cordial to one another. I think he told me at that time he had a boyfriend.

But a year or so after that, he moved back to Colombia. Now, the problem with that was he was constantly telling me that if he moved back, he could be killed because of his political views. But so far, he is still alive and seems to be doing well. We are actually now friends on Facebook.

But I must say despite all the drama and the angst and the chasing, that a part of me misses him because he kept some stuff going, girl!!!

And I will also say that I can definitely see where I was at fault during the Colombian storyline. I was argumentative, needy, childish. I was a MESS!!! It’s good that we are at least FB friends.

The Chili’s Chase. Then there was this guy named Rossi when I worked at Chili’s back in 2006. Another cat and mouse game, and I was too stupid to play. Needless to say, NOTHING came of that either.

The Str8, All Chaser Chase – And then there was the time I fell for the str8 guy that I worked with, and it took me a while to figure out whether or not he was gay. And when I realized it, I STILL wanted to be close to him!!

• He flirted with me. At work. I know he did.
• He automatically started saying where he wanted to take me.
• He referred to me as his soulmate.

And that is all that I am going to say about that. For now.

As a matter of fact, this concludes Part 2. Come back next week for Part 3 as I tie all of this up!!! (But I can’t promise that the bow will be neat and tidy) tee hee.

But before you depart, please check out my new website – The Derek Store! 😁

Remember, the third and final part to all of this is next week. So, stay tuned. And as always, be safe and mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).