Category: mental health and well-being

Hello all! And Happy New Year 2024!! Or as I like to say HAPPY NEW QUEER!!!! 🌈🌈🌈❤️❤️😂

I do hope that it is going well for all of you, thus far.

This will not be a New Year’s post as I’ve done in the past. This post is diving into being an adult, as the post suggests. But even more than that, I am going to discuss bringing back our childhoods. That’s right. Because you can, you know.

I know you’re all saying, “but wait a minute, Derek. You cannot go back in time to your childhood, like there is some sort of time machine.” 

And you would be correct about that. How I wish we could time travel. Perhaps one day. However, although you cannot do it via time travel or in your physical body, you can in your mind, heart and soul. 

Let me go back to the title of this post and reiterate how much it can REALLY and TRULY suck being an adult. 

The bills you have to pay.

The responsibilities, ESPECIALLY if you are a parent.

Trying to make ends meet.

Having a job.

LOOKING for a job – so you can be a responsible adult who pays those horrible bills, takes care of their children, and trying to make ends meet.

Paying those HORRID taxes!

Paying rent.

Buying these expensive-ass groceries. 

Keeping up with your car payment.

Keeping up with car repairs!!!!

Maintaining the overall care of your car.

The expensive gas that goes into your car!!

You get the picture.

And you are probably depressed right about now. 

But wait! Then there’s … DEATH.

Over the years, how many times have we seen our childhood icons pass away before our very eyes. And I don’t know about you, but with the passing of each and every actor, actress or musician or just public figures associated with my childhood, I say that another part of my childhood has just died, too.

Sadly, you watch as your parents and caregivers pass away, which can be extremely hard for many of us. 

Of course nothing or no one lasts forever, and the (quickly) passing time shows us that. And it also shows us that all of us are indeed mortals and will not be here forever. And that we are all getting old and one day we will all… well. You know.

Okay. Now, I am sure you are all TRULY depressed at this moment! 

Because it SUCKS to grow up and get old and pass away. 

But how come you can’t get some of that past back? Those Golden Years? Those fun times as a kid?

How do we know it is not actually good for our mental health? 

Let me address the whole ‘you can’t live in the past’ BS. Hell, you can do whatever you want to, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody, particularly yourself.

Returning to one’s childhood is different for different people. 

Perhaps it is running and playing in the rain. (I hate rain, so that wouldn’t be me.) Tee hee

Or maybe it is playing board games.

Maybe it is playing other childhood games like Red Rover or Hide ‘n’ Go Seek, fun outdoor games like that.

Skateboarding, which is now rollerblading or bike riding, which by the way adults still do!  

You see, children love to PLAY! And be loud and free. We, as adults, “grow” out of that and/or grow up, which we adults SHOULD grow up. But we lose our spontaneity and freedom and imagination. We inhibit ourselves. We now realize that the whole world is watching us and is expecting us to be grown up and have all the answers. To be almost perfect. And to definitely be responsible, but again, we lose that spontaneity. 

We also lose that wonder and amazement about our world and surroundings. For example, a drive to the grocery store is automatic, boring and mundane. A chore, bore and snore. Something we HAVE to do. However, why not take the time to REALLY look at your surroundings on that trip to the store? Forget about traffic. Forget about what you need to pick up from the store. Forget about the potential crowds at the store. Forget about the bills and responsibilities, for once. And just be. Take a really good look at your neighborhood as if you are seeing it for the first time.

And while you’re at the store, take a good look at that, too! Have fun with it. Make it a game! 

I see why people get pets. Talk about a childlike wonder in watching your pet grow and playing with your pet, even with all of the responsibility (and cost) of caring for one. I want another dog SO badly, by the way.

Diet!! Oh boy, we are all so OBSESSED with eating “right.” Eating our vegetables, losing weight, cutting certain foods from our diet, etc. Well, how about for once just eating like a child? I am not suggesting doing this all the time, but every now and then take a break from your normal eating routine and eat that candy or potato chips or chicken nuggets. Whatever you ate as a child. And of course, some of us already do this. 🤣

But perhaps take a break from the “adult” eating and indulge. Or as some people call it, their “cheat day.” 

What is Derek doing to recapture his childhood/youth???  

One way I have been doing this is through MUSIC!!

By now, you all should know how much music means to me. Whether it is music I listen to or music I can literally play myself on an instrument, music has always and WILL ALWAYS be extremely important to me. 

We will start with the music I listen to.

Girl!!! It’s all about the 70s and 80s and yes, the 90s, too. But if we are talking childhood, then that would be more 70s and 80s. And if you REALLY know me, I absolutely CANNOT stand the music of today. Or a lot of the artists. YECK! They. Are. HORRIBLE! I don’t care how many people worship them. And I will not name names. But let’s just say that I do not worship at their alter. Now, I do have a few exceptions, very few. But to me, there’s nothing like music from the 70s and 80s.

With regard to that Golden Era of musique, I am not the only one who feels that way. 

After all, if you are a Gen Xer like moi, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about, because we were lucky, blessed, privileged – all the positive things – to have grown up with the music we did!!!

Moving on to the music I play on my instruments. 

Once again, if you really know me, then you know I can play several musical instruments. My main ones are the trumpet, which I started on; the clarinet (mine is broken now and I MUST get it repaired!!!); the flute; and the alto saxophone. 

And I still have SCORES and SCORES (pun intended) of sheet music from my past, especially when I was in junior high, high school and college. And yes, I do pick up my trumpet every now and then and relive the good old days of playing in bands of the glorious past! 

Christmastime finds me playing the greats of my previous band era, particularly when I was in low school. (High school)! LOLOL

Next up: NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS!!

I did an entire post on this back in 2021. 

THE RETURN OF THE NANCY DREW AND HARDY BOYS MYSTERY STORIES!!!

It think it was during the pandemic starting in 2020, that I returned to my love of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. When I was a child of the 70s, I devoured the series, starting from the very first one of both. And by the time my brother came along in ’78, my parents were going to Toys ‘r’ Us to get his Pampers. 

And while they were purchasing his Pampers, I would always saunter over to the book section and browse the wonderful mystery series. And they basically had the ENTIRE series, which at that time, went up to about 54 or 55. And I began purchasing and collecting each and every one of them.

It wasn’t long before I had amassed quite a stack of them, hell a whole bookshelf’s worth! 

And when I wasn’t buying them in Washington, D.C., I would go to the Anson County Public Library and check them out!

I was OBSESSED!!

Then the TV series came out in 1977, starring Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy, and Parker Stevenson as Frank Hardy, and Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy. I was THRILLED!!!!

Returning to them in 2020, I started reordering them, picking up where I left off in the late 50s. I took about a year break from ordering and reading them. And I have restarted recently. I am now well into the mid 80s!! And there are over 120 of them in all!

I cannot talk about Nancy and the boys without bringing up the Three Stooges. 

Again, you can thank the pandemic of 2020 for restarting this one. I started rewatching on YouTube, and remembered how HIGH-LARIOUS they were/are!!! 

The next thing I knew I was gorging the ENTIRE series again, like a child. But it didn’t stop there. Because YouTube kept snatching them away (licensing, I suppose), I decided to order the entire series on DVD. So, big FU to YouTube!! 

So, I can watch whenever I want. And after putting the series back up on YouTube and it was up for a while, they have now snatched it again! Thank Goddess for my DVD’s! 

The Stooges have gotten me through dark times during this pandemic and beyond. Heck, they’re on in the background now!! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! 🤣😂😂😂

And fortunately, MeTV shows two hours of Stooges on Saturdays, starting at 6 p.m.! 

I have also discovered I am not the only Stooge fan. Several of my friends are, too. There is a fansite on Facebook that I am a member of, and there are so many fans there of ALL ages! People in their 60s and 70s (and I’m sure beyond) admit to their love of the Stooges and how they STILL watch!

When I was a young’un, I focused on the crazy antics of Curly, and Moe’s bossiness, and Shemp’s silliness. However, these days, I’m a Larry Fine fan. Rewatching now, I see just how funny he really was. And, once again, others agree. Other fans are rewatching Larry and developing a whole new appreciation for the “Stooge in the middle.”

I cannot continue this post without giving honorable mention to my love of One Life to Live, which I was introduced to in my childhood. Actually, soap operas in general were introduced to me – by my grandmother Costella, of course – during my childhood.

It really started with Days of Our Lives and Another World, and then I began focusing and gorging myself on All My Children and General Hospital. Then I began paying attention to One Life to Live at the height of the Viki/Niki stuff in 1985! And I have been re-hooked ever since. 

I did a blog post on the soaps recently. See the link below:

The Art of the Soap Opera. Trash or Revolutionary???

In summation, I must say that with all the tumult and tragedy going on in the world, with the CONSTANT wars and us being forced to take sides, and the economy and rising gas and food prices, and POLITICS, which has become rather sickening, as well as the ENDLESS mass shootings that NO ONE seems to be really doing anything about – I can see why I am now returning to my childhood. It is just safer. 

The 70s and 80s TV!!! HELLO!!!!!! So MANY iconic TV shows, too numerous to even mention!! (I STILL pretend I’m bionic, and I STILL think of myself as one of the Angels!!! And I DEFINITELY STILL SPIN LIKE WONDER WOMAN!!!!) 🤣🤣🤣 Let’s face it, the television shows and music of yesteryear were GOLDEN, CREATIVE, AUTHENTIC, MEMORABLE, AND ICONIC!

The shit of today, not so much. 

And I gain SO MUCH from reliving my childhood! I am happier and at peace, even if being an adult overall still really SUCKS!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Before you leave, PLEASE check out My Derek Store. You never know what you’ll find. 😉

Home

That’s it for today. And since we have been talking about revisiting our childhood, please come back next week when we delve into HEALING our childhood! So, stay tuned! Until then, please be safe and mentally well! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, everybody!

Welcome back to another trip down Derek’s warped memory lane.

I started all of this actually back on Halloween, talking about one of my “men.” Then I decided to turn it into a full-blown three-part series. Here is Part 1, which discusses men from my time in North Carolina. Check it out!

The Derek Chase – Part 1

And Part 2 picks up in Atlanta.

The Derek Chase – Part 2

This third and final part is the wrap-up. And believe me, there could be up to, and possibly over, 10 parts to my chasing after these bozos. 😁😂

So, why am I coming forward with all of this? Why am I putting myself out there? Because, it was certainly a lesson learned. For one, sure go after what you want. BUT, don’t make a fool of yourself over someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.

And why on Earth did I do these things? I think part of it was the excitement of the chase. And also when I first came out, I thought I HAD to have a man. And I also thought it would be pretty easy to get one.

I felt I needed a man to “complete” me. Society says you’re not complete unless you have someone. After all, people congratulate you for being coupled, yet they do not congratulate you for being single and being able to stand on your own. They think being alone signifies weakness and that NOBODY wants you. However, if you are coupled, married, partnered, etc. you must truly be something special. 

The chasing was new and exciting and adventurous and, quite honestly, FUN! Even if it didn’t get me anywhere.

Plus I’m a Taurus with his Venus in Cancer and Moon in Leo. ☺❤ In a nutshell, that means I am super romantic. Or super foolish! 🤣😂 

And to be honest, I went after these guys because I was horny! 🤣😂😂 And also, I was a little cocky, thinking I was hot stuff back then. So, I strutted my stuff! 😂🤣

Speaking of, reminds me of how I used to wear the tightest T-shirts and shorts during the summertime, especially when I was after Mr. Enzor. 

And just a reminder of what I was up against with Charles, the photo above of Sam Elliot. Because, again, Charles was the SPITTING IMAGE of Sam back then!! WOOF!! 

Perhaps I wanted a father figure since mine was/is no good.

Or I was needy and lonely and needed someone to fill that void.

Perhaps it was my childhood. Oh hell! How the hell would I know?? 😂🤣

Or perhaps it was all of the above.

Let’s start with childhood, the potential root of it all.

I know, I know. EVERYTHING starts in childhood. It’s your childhood’s fault. Better yet, it’s your parents’ fault or grandparents’ fault or your caregivers’ fault, whomever raised you.

In my case, it was my grandparents and aunt. I am not BLAMING them, per se. However, I will say this, there was a void there growing up. I received all the toys and trinkets and trips and instruments and parties and compliments, etc. But when I look back upon it, there was something sinister and mean going on in that house. And I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my grandfather’s affairs that contributed to the toxicity and dysfunction of the Ratliff household.

The household was very angry at times.

The condescension towards me was mindboggling.

One of my grandmother’s fave phrases to me: “I’m sick of you! I wish ya mama and daddy would come get you!”

One of my grandfather’s fave phrases to me: “You’re gonna grow up to be sorry!” (meaning lazy and good for nothing.)

And my aunt would call me names, such as longhead. And she slapped me on occasion for being “mouthy.”

So, yes, some of this robbed me of my self-esteem. And yes, sometimes I felt unsure of myself and my place there in Wadesboro.

Now, I never felt unsafe. I just felt I couldn’t express myself. 

And let’s not forget the bullying at school.  

Later I (and underline I) became angry and bitter. In other words, I began emulating what I saw at 1002 Montgomery Street – my former home.

I became vengeful, starting in high school.

Sidebar to myself: But Derek, I think you loved as much as you could and were capable of, considering your upbringing and what you saw. I thought what I witnessed at 1002 Montgomery Street, i.e. my grandmother and grandfather fighting and arguing constantly was what it meant to be in a relationship.

And when I grew up and came out, I needed to be NEEDED. To be wanted. I needed someone to SAVE ME! To REALLY and TRULY accept me and tell me that I was okay, that I was worthy.

You see, these men were SUPPOSED to do that for me. Fix me and make me lovable and all right. And that just cannot be.

It’s not THEIR fault. They weren’t there at 1002. And they cannot “fix me.” Nobody can.

And no, I am not saying the typical things that one would say in these situations, you know the classic, textbook reasons for not loving yourself and doing destructive things in relationships. It really is true, as I reexamine myself under my Derek microscope.

There was an emptiness in me throughout all of the chasing, the foolishness and the craziness. Again, perhaps it sounds cliche, BUT there is SO much truth to it. I didn’t know who I was back then. And as a matter of fact, as I write this and reread it, I do not even recognize this person I am writing about. It literally is as if this is someone else’s story, someone else’s drama. But yep, it’s mine. 

When I think back to what I put myself through, what I put these men through – it makes me sad. It sickens me, actually. 

I wanted them to Stay by Me throughout my mania. 

When I didn’t get what I wanted from them, I became angry and destructive. I did and said terrible things to them. I acted out like an angry, spoiled child. And deep down inside, I was SCREAMING “why don’t you love me???? Why can’t you fix me??? Why can’t you tell me I’m okay???”

It was pathetic.

I guess I didn’t love myself much back then. But also, I was so used to following behind Teresa and Bob Mills. And you see how that turned out! 

I not only expected someone to fix me, but to heal me, too.

And now I know why I’m writing this. For deeper healing and understanding of myself.

And finally move on from all this. To finally move on from the neediness and the emptiness.

And to Go Solo, if necessary.

And to hopefully help someone else understand THEMSELVES!

But I know this now, for God’s sake, DON’T EVER chase after a man who is unavailable!! In any way, shape, or hot male form! 🤣

Now, I don’t chase after any gotdamn body! Let them chase after me for a change! I am sick and tired of this whole BS!

And if they don’t, I am totally fine with that. I wasted SOOOOOO much time with these jokers and tokers. No more. Let everyone else have all the relationship fun. And no, this ain’t bitterness. This is self-realization: These men were not good for me or my mental health!!! 

I am doing what I should have done a long time ago: Stick to my work, my passions, my gay-rear – er career. 😂🤣😃

And I most certainly should have listened to Charles B. E. and “keep it light and airy.” Le sigh. 

But as they say, lesson learned. And it is never too late to learn. 

Remember: Don’t make a fool of yourself and chase after someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.

That’s it for now. But before you depart, please check out my new website, The Derek Store. I’ve got goodies! 😊😂

Home

This is my final post for the year. I want to wish everyone a SEASON’S GREETINGS, et al of whatever you celebrate during this time, if anything. Please be safe and mentally well, and I shall see you in New Year 2024! New posts starting back in January! So, see ya then! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Atlanta and beyond!

All righty! Welcome back to Part 2 of a three-part series (truthfully, it could be longer!) on me and the men I chased after. Check out Part 1 below in case you missed it from last week:

The Derek Chase – Part 1

Okay, up next – The Israeli Chase. Then I took up with Ariel following the Darrell Debacle. And yes, he is from Israel, and yes, he is Jewish. And Ariel is also 10 years older than I.

And let’s just say his wife got in the way there.

All right, time to unpack that storyline a bit. Before I even arrived in Atlanta, I said that I wanted to experience what it would be like to be with a married man, just like my old pal Teresa. Monkey see, monkey do, I guess.

And the universe listened. Because no sooner had I landed in the ATL in July of 1993, I met Ariel on September 10, 1993, at the then Burkhart’s. He was short, stocky – sort of muscly, dark-haired and sexy. I believe that night he was wearing a red shirt and very tight jeans, that clung to his… assets. His shirt was open, and I noticed that he was wearing The Star of David. And I immediately realized that he was a Jewish guy.

We kept cruising each other. At one point in the eve, he was coming up the side stairs by the entrance, and I was going down. I always say we met when he was going up the stairs, and I was going down the stairs. And we constantly cruised each other on our particular trajectories.

I decided to go back up, and that is when we met, essentially near the steps. We conversed and got the intros out of the way. And the next thing I knew, we were outside on the back deck and in a corner where we made out!!!

Now, he claims he ejaculated in his jeans, and I suppose I should be flattered. But when he gave me his phone number, I noticed that it had an extension. He claimed this was his home number, and I thought right away – married. I was pretty savvy, I guess, for someone who was only 26 at the time. Ariel was 36.

After all this, I drove back to Austell, which is where I was living at the time. I looked him up in the phonebook, I think, because that is the only way I can remember that I got his home number, because he also gave me his last name. He answered, and the next thing I knew, I was going to Alpharetta, which is where he lived, way back then, at Neely Farms. I was only wearing my father’s leather coat, with NOTHING else underneath. Dang! That leather coat saw a great deal of action back then!! 😁🤣😂

I arrived at Neely Farms in the wee hours of the morn. He let me in. And he took me upstairs to his bedroom, the same one he shared with his wife. I know, I’m a slut. So, sue me.

It was then that I realized that he was definitely married, and he informed me that his wife and two CHILDREN were out of town!!! Which explained why he was out on a Friday night at a gay bar!! Oh my God!!

But I did it just the same, as we had sex in their bed. 😱

From that moment on, the chase was on. I wanted him. I couldn’t get enough of him. We spent as much time together as humanly possible, CONSIDERING!

I eventually met his wife and two children, a boy and a girl. As a matter of fact, I even went to a Yes concert with them and two other couples. I also went to the movies with him AND his wife!

I taught his daughter SAXOPHONE lessons!

I had dinner at THEIR HOUSE!

Heck, in 1994, I even moved to Alpharetta to be near him!!!

We would go walking together in the evenings.

And get this: My family even met him one Thanksgiving!!! He came over and met my mother, father, brother, aunt, grandfather and grandmother!! 😱 I told them that he was just a friend. 😂😂🤣

Remember that song? He’s just a friend? No? Well, anyway…

With us being closer, we had as much sex as we possibly could!!!

I actually owe my start in acting here in Atlanta because of him, because he somehow managed to get a part – as a background extra – in a movie, Andersonville, starring Fredric Forrest.

It was muddy and hot and grueling, but I LOVED it!! Ariel HATED it!! We were scheduled for two days. He didn’t go back, but I did all by myself! Wayyyyyy out in Griffin, GA, too!

Though I give Ariel credit for starting my acting career, he certainly was not good for my overall mental health. You see, my alters began reappearing, just like with Darrell back in North Carolina.

Ariel would CONSTANTLY talk about his wife. And I told him REPEATEDLY not to do that.

Ariel also told me the story about how when one of his brothers was killed in Israel, he ended up having a brief affair with his sister-in-law!!!

This occurred when he went back to Israel for the funeral.

And he described in excruciating detail how they made love and where they made love, the entire time he was there. Of particular odd note, was his narrative of them fucking on a huge rock in the middle of nowhere!!

Hearing about this would cause me to turn into my slutty alter, Nick Montraire!! And as Nick, I would go out and cheat on Ariel!!!! 

And there is one particular event that occurred one Saturday when Ariel asked me to tag along with him to meet a friend, aka former trick of his, at Hartsfield. This guy was making a stopover in the ATL, and wanted to see Ariel. As a matter of fact, I don’t know if Ariel actually asked me to come along or I forced my company that day. Because I was very jealous, and I wanted to check things out for myself. Either way, I SHOULD not have gone.

First of all, this guy, whose name I have absolutely forgotten after all these decades, was a psychiatrist, who Ariel had previously seen professionally to sort out his homosexuality. Oh give me a break!! And they ended up having an affair!!! Quelle Surprise!

Yet another one of Ariel’s former loves. As if dealing with Yossi, his Israeli friend who would ALWAYS speak only Hebrew in front of me with Ariel, wasn’t bad enough!!! And this Yossi also told me on more than one occasion that he could have Ariel ANY TIME he wanted! You see, Ariel encouraged Yossi and I to be “friends.” But I NEVER trusted that little bitch.

And dealing with Yossi was NOT good for my mental health either. 

But I digress, as that is another disgusting tale.

At any rate, during my little excursion with Ariel on the way to the airport, I could feel the anger bubbling up in my throat like volcanic ash. I knew trouble was brewing when I could feel myself slowly but surely turning into first Daryl Lord and then Terence. I believe Guillaume even emerged on I-85, and Ariel, I am quite sure, didn’t know what was happening. Or what to make of my very strange behaviour.

We arrived at the airport and met the friend, and I was God knows who at this point. During the lunch, I sort of disappeared. Or one of us did anyway. It was under the guise of using the restroom, except I never returned. At one point, I remember Guillaume reemerging, and since he is actually British (French name, English personality – go figure!), he was considering taking a flight to the U.K.!!

Then Daryl emerged and decided to get a drink at one of the numerous airport bars. And my absence was so extended, that Ariel had to have me paged! Ha!

But when Ariel FINALLY caught up with me, he wasn’t meeting me, but Daryl Lord!!! Daryl was more than a bit obnoxious and playful, except in an extremely rude way, of course.

As we were exiting the airport, it got very ugly. Ariel was lambasting me over not only my strange behavior, but my rudeness towards his friend and my abrupt exit.

Daryl didn’t care. So, he grabbed Ariel’s expensive sunglasses, tossed them up in the air, and let them hit the ground!!!

Needless to say, they shattered into a million pieces!! Ariel was mortified!! So, he grabbed mine, and broke them!

Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well. So, my violent alter Dirk, came out, and proceeded to beat the hell outta Ariel!!! Right there in front of God and everyone!! Including the cops!

By this time, Derek came back and was mortified by what Dirk had done!!

The cops didn’t arrest me, thanks to Ariel. However, I had to hear about it on the ride back to Alpharetta! Ariel was screaming at me, as I leaned forward with the tears (and the apologies) rolling out in a confused and embarrassed torrent of sorrow and despair.

He dropped me off at my apartment, saying that he NEVER wanted to see me again! It was a bit later I realized that in my violent outburst and thrashing, I also had torn off his Star of David. Oy!

I spent the rest of the day and night in bed. I think we were supposed to do something together that night. Needless to say, THAT didn’t happen.

Morning came and I was still in bed, curled up in a fetal position. I heard the key in the lock (yes, he had a key to my apartment). It was Ariel, of course. He felt sorry for me, and made me get out of bed.

All I could do was apologize profusely, saying it would never happen again. And it didn’t.

I asked, no BEGGED for forgiveness, which he gave me. He made me shower, put my clothes on and join him and his little boy for ice cream, which I did.

So, we made up. We had sex. And things went on like they never happened.

And to this day, I am so ashamed over what I did to him.

And to this day, whenever I’ve seen him since and apologize for it again, he always tells me that he chooses to remember our happy times together, not the bad.

But I had to realize that I had a problem.

Following the Israeli Chase, there was the Javier Chase.

This occurred in a slight overlap as things were ending with Ariel, in December of 1995.

As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember NEVER telling one about the other. And to be quite frank, following Ariel, I had decided that I was done with men. And that’s when Javier appeared!

But let’s go deeper with Javier. Ah yes, the dreaded Javier story. I’ve already written about that. So, I am just going to post the link to that here.

The Javier/Jorge Christmas Story

After Javier, there was someone whom shall remain nameless since we are friends on Facebook. ROTFL! Gee, let’s see if he can figure it out if he ever reads this. 😂🤣😃😄

We’ll just call it the Post-Javier Chase:

Anyhoo, I wanted this guy DESPERATELY! Oh, Derek, as if you didn’t want the others DESPERATELY! 😂 This was back in the late 90s, probably starting around 1997. This guy was so handsome back then. Dark hair, like I like ’em. I availed myself to him (not that way), but I did everything I could to be near him (just like Phil, Charlie, and all the others before him). We hung out a lot together within the same friends’ group. There were a great deal of bar nights and dinners and restaurants and parties. But nothing happened. I guess he just didn’t get the hint. Or I was just too afraid to be rejected again to give him a hint. Fear of rejection, thanks to Phil. 🤔

After awhile, he disappeared. Turns out he moved away to California.

And then over a decade later, he returned. Around 2019, I went to a trivia night at Woof’s, and there he was. I was sort of shocked to see him. Afterwards, a couple of years into the pandemic, we started reconnecting and hanging out again, going to restaurants, seeing each other at the Whoreaway – er the now-defunct Hideaway.

There were even phone calls.

Also, I brought up the attraction I felt for him during the late 90s. Turns out he felt the same way!! 😱 I guess we were both too afraid to admit then. Oh well.

Then all the hanging out, et al, stopped this year, for whatever reason. And this time I say, go away. And stay away.

Next: The KF Chase. Initials to protect the not-so innocent. 😃

I believe we met at Oscar’s in 2002, during a most horrible time in my life.

He was my type.

He was sexy.

Short, a bit stocky, dark-haired.

(See a pattern here?? Hmmm Darrell? Especially Ariel? Perhaps Javier?)

Anyway, KF had those sexy, deep-set eyes, like Robert De Niro. A real man’s man. He claimed to be bisexual. Yeah. Right.

But he played a lot of Guessing Games.

He expressed interest.

• We went out a couple of times. He was fun.
• But then it turned into this back and forth.
• He escorted me to one of my many birthday celebrations back in the day, and admitted in front of God and everyone at the table, where we were having dinner (and it had to be over 20 people there), that he used to be a hustler. And that he had also contracted THREE venereal diseases! 🫨😱
• I chased after him mercilessly, even after all that.
• He wanted to have sex with one of my very best friends (male) on a tennis court while I watched.
• We all later found out that he had slept with half of the gay male population of Atlanta! So, many guys came forward and admitted that they had slept with him! Even my writing partner at the time was shocked to learn that HIS boyfriend had also slept with KF. I was shocked, too. But I suppose I shouldn’t have been.
• And I was SO jealous over hearing that!
• I believe it was around Christmas 2010, I even invited him to a holiday work party when I worked at Children’s Museum of Hell – er Atlanta. He took me, and when the party ended at 8 p.m. (don’t ask), I dropped him off at his car back at my apartment, and it was good night. AT 8 P.M.!
• He ended up going into the military and traveling overseas. And that was pretty much the end of that. Thank God.

The Colombian Chase – I met this one at the then Burkhart’s. He was short, Colombian, and had the most beautiful piercing eyes I had ever seen since Javier’s. As a matter of fact, he sorta reminded me of Javier. Except this guy’s eyes were darker and more piercing, one could even say almost devilish.

He would pop up at Burkhart’s from time to time, and eventually I introduced myself to him. HIs name was Luis, and it turned out he was a Pisces, about two years younger than I. We became friends, but it was obvious there was more there.

And yes, we did sleep together.

And things sorta took off from there. The next thing I knew I was asking him to help me move into Midtown to live with that fat bitch Tammy Faye. But that’s another story.

Anyhoo, he was kind enough to do that. From there, things just escalated. Because the next thing I knew, he was calling me up in the middle of the week, in the middle of the night to go out!!!

He LOVED to party! We went to the bars late at night. We even went to the sex club. That’s right. THE SEX CLUB!! And even though we didn’t have sex together there, he would watch me!!!! 😱😂😁

We were ALWAYS wasted!!!!! It’s a wonder I could function the next day. Fortunately, at that time, I was working full-time from home as a transcriptionist.

At some point in time, there was a crossover with Luis and KF. Actually, KF eventually went from being bareback ER BARBACK at Oscar’s to the doorman to being a bartender. (I predicted this would happen, too!) And this was during KF’s bartender phase. Whenever Luis and I would show up on a busy weekend night, because Oscar’s was ALWAYS packed on those nights, KF was generally sorta hostile to Luis. So, much so that Luis stated that KF was jealous that we were together, because KF wanted me for himself!!

And the two of them would sorta be mean to each other from that moment. So, essentially, I had two men fighting over me. 😂🤣

KF even said to me on more than one occasion that Luis was NOT good for me!!

Probably true. But I went ahead and did it just the same. 😂🤣😁

During the Christmas holidays, I got Luis turned onto Albert Finney’s Scrooge. He was always singing the song Thank You Very Much. You could tell it gave him such joy to sing that song. It made me happy to see him so happy. 🎄🎅

When we watched Scrooge together, he would come over. Take a shower. And get into bed with me. Naked. Nothing happened. I swear.

Which is ANOTHER story. You see, at some point Luis didn’t think I wanted to sleep with him or have sex with him anymore. He was a little rough that first time, and I told him so. So, we stopped having sex.

But then things grew tense between us, because we started to fall in love with each other.

And THAT became a back and forth thing, too. He said he loved me, but he was confused. He thought we should be friends. And this frustrated the hell outta me. And I guess this is when the chase truly began. And more back and forth stuff.

And some of my alters began to reappear. It was awful.

My alters would show up, and Luis would get drunk.

Together, we were really a mess!!!

We finally had a talk in my car about the whole thing, where the love was admitted, but he didn’t know if we should be lovers.

And so, I called him to my apartment, and told him I just couldn’t see him anymore.

He left, and I could tell he was very upset. I watched him through the window as he left my apartment, and I could tell he was crying.

But the separation didn’t last long!!! We made up, and we continued our toxic relationship.

This. Went. On. For. YEARS!!!

Then there was that fateful night, he called me and asked me to meet him at Oscar’s, where he admitted that he was HIV+! 😱

And then about a year after that, I got angry with him at the old B.J. Rooster’s and because of him, I got thrown out of the bar and BARRED from returning!! LOLOL But you know I came back, and they let me in. 😂🤣😂😁

But I texted him and told him to stay the hell away from me!!!!

And he did. We didn’t speak for a couple of years.

One night I ran into him at B.J.’s, and we were cordial to one another. I think he told me at that time he had a boyfriend.

But a year or so after that, he moved back to Colombia. Now, the problem with that was he was constantly telling me that if he moved back, he could be killed because of his political views. But so far, he is still alive and seems to be doing well. We are actually now friends on Facebook.

But I must say despite all the drama and the angst and the chasing, that a part of me misses him because he kept some stuff going, girl!!!

And I will also say that I can definitely see where I was at fault during the Colombian storyline. I was argumentative, needy, childish. I was a MESS!!! It’s good that we are at least FB friends.

The Chili’s Chase. Then there was this guy named Rossi when I worked at Chili’s back in 2006. Another cat and mouse game, and I was too stupid to play. Needless to say, NOTHING came of that either.

The Str8, All Chaser Chase – And then there was the time I fell for the str8 guy that I worked with, and it took me a while to figure out whether or not he was gay. And when I realized it, I STILL wanted to be close to him!!

• He flirted with me. At work. I know he did.
• He automatically started saying where he wanted to take me.
• He referred to me as his soulmate.

And that is all that I am going to say about that. For now.

As a matter of fact, this concludes Part 2. Come back next week for Part 3 as I tie all of this up!!! (But I can’t promise that the bow will be neat and tidy) tee hee.

But before you depart, please check out my new website – The Derek Store! 😁

Home

Remember, the third and final part to all of this is next week. So, stay tuned. And as always, be safe and mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Greetings, all!

Welcome back for a never-ending, fun-filled trip into my mind! 😂

I’m going there today, not that I don’t already in my blog posts.

But I really wish to discuss and elaborate on why I have chased after men I couldn’t or SHOULDN’T have.

Warning: This post is so long that it will be in three parts!! And VERY revealing!!

And as the above song by Daryl & John states, I wanted to be One on One with my guys. However, some of them didn’t want to be One on One with me.

Anyhoo, I opened Pandora’s Box on Halloween with a post talking about the chase of one of my “men.” Please click on the banner below to get some context:

Halloween! Season of the Bitch!!!

In the above post, I discussed my 1989 infatuation with my then coworker Phil Leonard.

But today, I’m going to examine ALL of my main “men” in what I call THE DEREK CHASE!!! (kinda like the movie and TV series The Paper Chase. Get it?! Oh never mind!) 😂

Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?

It all started in North Carolina.

Though, I have already discussed Phil, here are some highlights:

The Phil Chase – I followed him home, or at least made the attempt once. (I even got a speeding ticket after Thanksgiving 1989, rushing back from Wadesboro to Chapel Hill to see if I could follow him! Served me right!) And I did figure out where he lived, with a bit of Charlie’s Angels-like detective work and ingenuity.

I manipulated him – or tried to – on a couple of occasions. I did get him to come to my apartment to give him a Christmas present back in ’89. He showed up all right. With his dog. Woof!

I also manipulated him – or tried to anyway – to kiss me at PC on his 37th birthday in February 1990. He didn’t fall for it, though. DAMMIT! And he was very angry about it and called me out on my manipulation!

And all I really wanted was for him to take me to his heart. ❤️😓😁

Dave and Annie wrote a song about it. Check it out!

I did everything and pulled every trick in the book to get next to him. I played every love song that was popular back then, fantasizing about him being my lover. Particularly this one:

Because to me, he WAS my everything! That’s just how sick, twisted and deluded I was. And I can say that now.

The Charles Chase – But moving on. I have already discussed Charles Enzor, as well.

But here are some highlights:

I had more success with Charles, because he DID return my attraction. We used to dance together at both PC and CC – Capital Corral in Raleigh – both to the fast AND the slow stuff. And he did NOT hesitate for a moment to do either!

As a matter of fact, one of my fave slow dances with him was Sinead O’Connor’s version of the Prince song Nothing Compares to U. Rest in peace, Sinead. 😥

Because NOTHING compared to him. I mean, the man was the epitome of the Marlboro Man. He was the spitting image of Sam Elliott!

We used to close down both PC and CC, and he generally always walked me to my car, which always ended in a very steamy kiss. WOOF!! (I actually learned the term woof from him, which is now used rather extensively in the gay world!)

I tried to get him to come over, too, but it never happened.

I also called him – LOTS!

And I even figured out where he worked, passing by it as often as I could. So, I guess a bit of stalking on my part. I just never had the nerve to go in. He worked with his lover/roommate/best friend/whatever label Charles gave this guy (because it seemed to change every time I saw him). It was an art restoration and gallery.

There was a sort of sad, major climax to this tale, though.

There was that horrible night when I saw him around Christmastime, 1990. I hadn’t seen him in a while. And when I caught a glimpse of him, he had lost a great deal of weight. He was so emaciated and bone thin. So, I knew what the deal was: I realized that he had contracted the AIDs virus.

We did talk that night, but he did not confirm my suspicions of his illness. And yes, we danced, et al, like nothing had ever happened.

However, I spent the next day on my couch in tears!!

We continued to meet up with each other at the bars, until the Darrell Chase in 1991, which is coming up.

Later, I moved to Atlanta in ’93, and I NEVER told him I left. I don’t know why. And then on a return trip to N.C., and to CC (and with my Israeli Chase – whom you’ll meet in this story), I was told that he passed away. And I have lived with the guilt and the regret of all that ever since… 😓

But then there was Darrell Mitchell, who was a whole other story.

The Darrell Chase – My relationship with Darrell can be summed up with the above song by Eurythmics – Put The Blame On Me. Because everything was MY fault, according to Darrell.

However, there is much more to it than what the lyrics convey, but there is that one line that DEFINITELY nails it – “Where are you tonight? Are you sleeping on your own? I need to know where you are tonight. Are you sleeping on your very own? Tell the one that’s lying with you, to get right up and go back home.”

Yeah, I could have easily said this to Darrell. As a matter of fact, knowing me, I probably did. So, draw your own conclusions from those lines what you will. 🤔🤔🤔

At any rate, Darrell was my first OFFICIAL lover. I was around 24 at the time. He was 37. We met in 1991, somewhere sort of in the middle of the Charles storyline. And yes, we met at the very electric Power Company. 😂 As I’ve said before, it was my home away from home back in the day.

I first saw Darrell at the very-well lit end of the bar at PC. There was the whole cruising each other, at first, to gauge interest. The locking of the eyes and then looking away, and looking again to make sure there WAS interest. Then the actual meeting, followed by the light banter. And I think I asked him out to lunch or something like that, upon which he wrote on a napkin “let’s,” along with his phone number.

Yeah. That’s how we met and got each other’s phone numbers back during the Stone Ages! 😁😊😂🤣

We fooled around on our first date. And to cut to the chase, I technically lost my virginity to him on our 2nd date, in which he violated me. And for now, we will just leave it at that. Again, draw your own conclusions. 🤔

From then on, our sex life consisted of me asking – no BEGGING – him to wear a condom, which he consistently refused!! I don’t know, there was this thing going on at the time killing gay men, called the AIDS crisis. 🤔

He did acquiesce, but stupidly used Vaseline as a lubricant, which of course can cause a condom to rupture. And it did, which further sent me into panic mode!

And on top of that, he would forever talk about his exes, especially this drug-addicted, jailbird named Everette. He would tell me on more than one occasion that Everette was better built and better looking than both of us.

He also BRAGGED about having an affair with one of his UNDERAGE male students!!!

Whenever we were out, he would look at other men, and make the most disgusting and lurid remarks about them.

Because of his abuse (okay and my own STUFF), I splintered off from myself. By now, it is no secret that I called myself Daryl & Company back then. And as my other selves, I did some TERRIBLE things and said some TERRIBLE things to Darrell. And I own that now.

(Ironic that I called one of my alters Daryl and I was dating a Darrell, different spellings). Haha!

Being sort of religious – HA! – Darrell would call me “legion” from the Bible, because there were many (of me, so to speak). Hey! I only had three back then, as opposed to 13 now! 😁😂🤣

As a matter of fact, when I found out Darrell cheated on me (I found a letter from a Willie Terrell in Atlanta), I turned into Terrible Terence and plotted to drug him, tape record him and get him fired from his choral teaching job!!! 😱🫨

I didn’t follow through with it, thankfully.

Yet, I stayed. After the psychological, sexual and emotional abuse, and the cheating, I. Stayed. And I actually never STRAYED, oddly enough. And I definitely had plenty of offers back then.

We actually broke up towards the tale end of 1991. He sent me a Dear Derek letter. 🤣😂😂 He said he just couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever.

And that should have been the end of it. But it wasn’t. Because in early 1992, we reconciled. As a matter of fact, he contacted me. Nothing much had changed. Eventually, we fell back into the same old habits.

It was the summer of 1992 when things sort of came to a head, so to speak. An unbelievable denouement.

Darrell got a teaching job in Atlanta, where this Willie Terrell person lived. But before he left, he told me he got tested for HIV!! He was very romantic and loving, and we made love one last time. I say made love, because it was the most tender and loving I had EVER seen Darrell!!

Then he moved. And it was Over. Or was it???

Then I got the call from the Durham Health Department that someone I had recently slept with tested positive for HIV.

Well, who the hell else could it have been but Darrell????

I called him in Atlanta and confronted him about it, and he lied saying it wasn’t him. He didn’t have it. LIAR!!!!!

I went through (more) HELL because of him!!

After NUMEROUS tests, fortunately I didn’t have it. And I have NEVER contracted it, THANK GOD!

The Elliot Chase – But let’s skip over Darrell and move onto John Elliot. I tried to get close to him, but let’s just say his dog wouldn’t let that happen.

He was a professor at Duke, and for the life of me I don’t remember what he taught.

He was rather short, bearded, and his house was like a museum! And he talked about his ex, too, a Dante, who he would drone on and on about how this Dante cheated on him! Oh brother.

But are you bitches ready for this????? Apparently, Darrell and Elliot shared the same man – EVERETTE!! Well, not at the same time. But in discussing Darrell, of course, I brought up this Everette. And that is when Elliot dropped a bomb on me, by saying he, too, had been with Everette!!! As a matter of fact, I remember when Elliot told me that he once visited Everette in jail for drug possession, and he was in shackles!!!!

Oh boy, I can sure pick ’em!!

I decided in the summer of 1992 to fly to the Bahamas. WITHOUT Elliot. I don’t think he liked that. And we broke up afterwards. Oh. Well.

Then in July 1993, I moved to Atlanta, yes, where Darrell was also living!!

I ran into him, once back in ’93, at the then Burkhart’s. (Too bad I wasn’t in my car! Hahaha! My little joke 😂) And he acted as if nothing had happened!! And I kept my mouth shut when I shouldn’t have. And he touched me, and it absolutely made my skin crawl and cringe upon itself.

Fast forward to Valentine’s night 2001 – I found out on a date with another guy that someone had shot him in the face and killed him outside a gay bar in Augusta, GA. I read about this in The Southern Voice. Oh. Well.

That’s it, kiddies!

But before you go, check out my new website and business venture – The Derek Store!

Home

Come back next week when we take this journey into Atlanta! You won’t want to miss Part 2! Until then and as always, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hey, all!

I’ve decided that since today is Halloween, and soooooo many people really dig Halloween, that I would write a short and fun post on the subject. (Well, considering the story, maybe it isn’t quite so fun.) 🎃🦇👻

I am not necessarily as big a fan of Halloween, per se, as my counterparts, but I have certainly done my fair share of dressing up, both as a kid and as an adult. I have attended plenty of Halloween parties. And I have also gotten into trouble at Halloween. Here is such a story from 1989.

This occurred wayyyy back when I first came out. I was working at A Southern Season in Chapel Hill, in the bakery at the time, and if you’ve heard the story before, you know I simply referred to it as ASS. Because a lot of the people who worked there were just that: A bunch of asses.

And I recently learned that the place closed back in 2020 due to bankruptcy. Ha! Oh. Well. 😃

Anyhoo, it all started when I went to Andy Triana’s party. Andy and I were in the music department together at Carolina back then, and we were such good buddies. We were ALWAYS getting into trouble! At any rate, I started off dressing as a white man for his party. Or at least I TRIED to. I put on pancake makeup, donned a short wig designed for a white guy, and my father’s long leather coat. And off I went.

But where I really wanted to be was at the Power Company Halloween party that Phil Leonard had told me about. Because he was going to be there, too. Tee hee.

If I have never delved into the Phil story, he was 36 at the time, and I was 22. And I was madly in love with him. He also worked at ASS back then, but in the coffee section. He was so fucking sexy as hell! LOLOL He made going to ASS totally worth it!

Anyway, I ditched Andy’s party early on and off to the Power Company I went.

Oh I wrote a post about that joint, too, in talking about my other pal, Charles Enzor. Here it be. 😂🤣

Me and Charlie B.

I got to my home away from home, The Power Company (or PC as I used to call it), and there was Phil dressed as some sort of bird creature. And I had gotten rid of the makeup and was calling myself, James Brown, at this point.

Phil was very enthused to see me. We spent a lot of time talking and drinking. And drinking and talking. As a matter of fact, he really filled me in on the cast of characters at ASS. Talk about DRAMA! 🎭

And we danced. We danced to the fast stuff. And we even shared the closing slow number together, though he acted at first as if he was reluctant to do that. But he did it just the same. We closed the joint, and we walked outside together. And this is when it became my worst Halloween EVAH!!

For some reason, I spilled my feelings to him. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don’t know. But I told him how much I loved him. And that I wanted him to kiss me. He smiled and then he told me “No. I see us just as friends. As a matter of fact, I see us old, sitting in rocking chairs, together, as friends.” Well, I may be in the rocking chair, but you’ll be dead by then, buddy. I didn’t think that then, but I should have. 😂🤣

But get this, he kissed me ANYWAY! And yes, with tongue!!! It lasted what seemed like an eternity. And then he said good night, and that he would see me at work the next day.

He was parked close to the entrance of the bar. I was parked on that parking deck that I grew to know and love so much. And in the freezing cold, it was back to that wonderful friend, the parking deck, that I trudged to – in scalding tears.

Yes, tears. I had just been rejected. My first “romantic” rejection. But I think it was the kiss that put me over the edge. It was delicious. And wet. And warm. And sexy. And now when I think back to it, it was a kiss off.

Needless to say, I cried all the way back to my apartment. When I got home, I didn’t even bother to take off my clothes. I just curled up in a ball in the bathroom, still drunk mind you, and cried myself to sleep. On the floor.

When I woke up, I realized that I STILL had to go to work!!

And I was still on my bathroom floor!!! Yikes!!

So, I pulled myself together, showered and changed, and off to work I went.

Turns out the time had changed, too. We had fallen back, and I was a whole hour early for work!!! And one of my creepy coworkers who worked in the deli, and who was also gay, reminded me that it would have been worse if I had been an hour LATE. I never liked him.

I was a bit embarrassed when Phillip showed up for work later. I apologized profusely, and he assured me that it was all right. But it wasn’t all right. But a very long life lesson of not chasing after someone who isn’t interested in you. And a painful lesson to learn on Halloween of all nights!

Well, I still made my mistakes in that arena of chasing after unavailable men. Just not at Halloween. Tee hee.

That’s it. Short. And bittersweet.

But don’t leave until you’ve checked out my FIVE CBD webpage!!

Thank you all for stopping by. It really means a lot! Come back next week for yet another tale! Stay tuned!

Until then, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Or the WebMD Syndrome.

Hello, hello! And welcome back my dearest friends and readers!

So, just gonna dive right in here. Basically, all of my life, I have suffered a bit from hypochondria. And if you don’t know what that means, it means that you believe that you are sick and even possibly dying, when you definitely are not. It is brought on by underlying anxiety and fear.

But is it a form of OCD? We’ll find out in a moment…

Hypochondria or hypochondriasis (or health anxiety or illness anxiety) can take over not just your mind, but your entire life, too!

Even though it is all in the mind, I don’t want to say that it is just in the mind. In other words, I definitely don’t want to diminish the feelings of the hypochondriac.

When it starts in your mind, then you “feel” it in your body or think you do. The sensations. The feelings. Uh oh. You KNOW you have a problem. There is the if you think about it, focus on it, then it “manifests” itself in your body – type of thing.

We all know by now if you focus on something a lot, especially something bad or horrible, it does expand.

And that happened to me.

Starting as a child, whenever I heard about someone’s illness or particularly would see a sick and dying person on TV, I suddenly had that disease!!!

I call it the Dark Victory Syndrome. Wrote a post about it previously. Care to see it? Here it go! 🤣😁

The Dark Victory Syndrome

In the Dark Victory Syndrome post, I talk about how when I was a child watching the brain tumor movies, such as Dark Victory – first the remake with Elizabeth Montgomery, and then years later the original with THE Divine Bette Davis, any little headache made me think I had a brain tumor, too. After seeing the Elizabeth Montgomery version, I was forever going around the house reciting my age, birthdate, address, phone number, etc., to make sure I didn’t have any memory loss that could potentially point to a brain tumor or any sort of brain abnormality. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have blurry vision like Samantha did – er Elizabeth – I mean, the character. Honey, I was a mess!

For the most part, I got over it as I grew older. But I am here to tell you that for one, being diagnosed with high blood pressure back in 2004, did not help matters.

Any little twinge in my chest meant I was having a heart attack.

Any strange feelings in my head, I was having a stroke.

I could just up and drop dead at any minute!

Just to show you how powerful the brain and the mind are, I talked myself into going to the emergency room at Grady, at one point, because I THOUGHT I was having these strange sensations in my head, which made me THINK I was having a stroke. And turns out, of course, I wasn’t.

I wasted a 12-hour trip sitting in the ER for naught. But I suppose it’s better to be safe than to be sorry.

But this is the nightmare a hypochondriac faces.

A persistent cough means you have lung cancer.

An upset stomach means you have stomach cancer.

Aches and pains in your back and legs can mean some sort of muscular dystrophy or musculoskeletal disorder.

Eye floaters means you’re going blind. (the latest source of my angst!)

Any sort of dizziness or light-headedness could mean anything from a stroke to heart disease to multiple sclerosis. (Another of my latest angst after passing out at the Heretic a couple of months ago!)

And now, any little sniffle or cough or aches or pains isn’t just the flu, but it is COVID!!!!

You get the horrible, overthinking picture.

It’s awful.

And for the record, any and all medical tests come up NEGATIVE for said and above illnesses.

And child, don’t take to the Internet or WebMD to self diagnose yourself!! You REALLY will be in trouble, psychologically speaking that is.

So, my biggest “illnesses” thus far, (according to WebMD and the Internet 🤣) are:

1. HIV
2. Stroke
3. Heart attack
4. Blindness
5. Brain tumor

Of course I do not have any of these or have suffered from any of these. But in my mind I am on the verge, because of fear, worry and anxiety.

And a very good friend just recently pointed out to me it could be sympathy pains for anyone who is actually suffering or has suffered from a chronic disease. Well, it is possible, I suppose. In the mind of the hypochondriac, you can attach yourself to someone else’s illness and while feeling empathy for that person, suddenly feel like you ARE that person and you’ve got that illness, too!

Also, just think of the poor germaphobe who consistently suffers, thinking that any touch of a doorknob or the shake of a hand means they are going to catch something. (Think Howie Mandel!!) Now, THAT IS OCD! And if you have been following my blog, I do speak extensively on OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD is a brain disorder that has its roots in anxiety and fear. And I am here to tell you that when your obsessive brain attaches itself to something horrid, it just runs with it. Hence, I am tying it back to my earlier question – is hypochondria a case of OCD?

Update: According to sources, OCD and hypochondriasis are NOT connected! So, hypochondria is NOT OCD! And I do find that interesting that it wouldn’t be. But okay!

What causes this Devil called hypochondria?

Doctors have determined there are several causes of hypochondria:

1. Perhaps you or someone close to you experienced a serious illness or medical condition.
2. You already suffer from some sort of mental health disorder, such as anxiety, depression or a compulsive disorder.
3. As a child, you suffered from some form of neglect and/or abuse.
4. Or you have a “personality that tends to make everything worse than what it is.” Ding! Ding! Ding! This would be me!!

I want to talk about this a little bit more. And I have covered this in my above and previous blog post The Dark Victory Syndrome.

And please forgive me for being redundant, but all of my life I have had this death wish. No, I never wanted to die or desired to kill myself, but as far back as I can remember, once I completed a grade in school or got to said grade, I would say to myself, ‘Oh. I won’t make it to the next one. I’ll die.’ And then I would get to the next grade, get through it, and prepare to enter the next one, and say this to myself all over again.

For the life of me, I don’t know why I would think such a horrid thing.

This was when I was a young child. By the time I got to the 7th grade back in 1979, that sort of thinking kinda stopped. I now label it Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And that can be an entire blog post in and of itself. I don’t think I can write enough about that subject.

GAD = living under the belief and worrying constantly that something horrible is going to happen to you at any moment.

And even now, I am back to the – ‘oh my God! I think I’m going blind!’ And this is because of the eye floaters. And no, I am not seeing a lot of them, which in doing my WebMD research, if you suddenly see a lot of them and/or flashes of light, that could mean a sign of retinal tear or even retinal detachment, which CAN lead to blindness! When I researched eye floaters years ago and found the same thing, my hypochondriac mind went into overdrive!

What has brought me back to this thinking is I noticed a slight dark flash in my right eye – and I mean very slight – when I sometimes look up and down. And of course, I’m thinking the worst!

And yes, to be on the safe side, I went to the eye doctor recently, and everything is FINE!!! He said the eye floaters and even that slight flash is a sign of normal aging! So, in other words, I’m just old y’all!!

But again, this is exactly what I’m talking about, the hell a hypochondriac goes through.

But how does one treat such a distasteful monster?

Treatment options

In researching this topic, one of the treatment options I came across was cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT, is a form of therapy designed to reduce the symptoms of various mental health conditions, particularly anxiety disorders and depression. Its goal is to help you identify unhelpful and even intrusive thoughts and learn how to effectively deal with them.

For example, you have a fear of crowds and you are extremely anxious about them, then you would expose yourself to large crowds. In other words, you expose yourself to your fear.

And CBT can be very effective in helping patients suffering from OCD. However, we have learned that hypochondria is NOT a form of OCD.

Other treatment options include seeing a therapist to address the underlying issues. As I always say, therapy can be your very best friend. And there is no shame in your game of getting a professional to help you unpack your mental stuff.

And whether you believe in it or not, medications may also be prescribed.

Anyhoo, don’t leave until you’ve got your hunger satisfied by clicking on the banner below for DoorDash!!

That is it for now. Thank you for your patience as I have been on and off posting for a bit. The next time, let’s talk about Halloween!! Tis’ the season, you know!

Until the next time, please be safe and mentally well! 😉😊

Sources:

Photo attribution: Armin Lotfi – Man with bandages on face – Unsplash

Towfiqu Barbhuiya – Pills in hand – Unsplash

Brittany Colette – Man with Kleenex – Unsplash

Moe Howard from the Three Stooges short, Idiots Deluxe

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, everybody! Well, it is back to the hard-hitting stuff that could affect our mental wellbeing and health.

This week, it’s about rejection.

I did a blog post about this earlier this year, as a matter of fact. Please see below:

The Fear of Rejection Robbed Me of My Life

The above post was more general. Today, it is going to be specifically geared towards GASP!! 😱 love and relationships and romance. (Cue the violins) 🎻🎻🎻😁

Nobody but nobody likes to be rejected romantically.

And it has happened to all of us.

And no, Madonna, it is NOT the greatest aphrodisiac, as you stated in your glorious song, Forbidden Love. 😓😁😓😉

The past hurts, rejections, and romantic disappointments most certainly plays a key role in us acting like scared little crybabies today. Okay, I shall speak for myself. 😁🎻

When someone rejects us in that way, we feel unworthy, unloved, unlovable. We ask “well, what’s wrong with me?” “There MUST be something wrong with me.”

No. There isn’t.

People have the right to feel how they feel. And if they don’t feel an attraction to you, that’s okay. We most certainly don’t feel an attraction to everyone we meet, do we?

Sounds good. But of course, getting rejected STILL hurts!

But what do you do when getting rejected turns into a blow not just to your ego, but to your self confidence and mental health? What happens when it affects your overall self-esteem and mental wellbeing? Then it’s time to evaluate things.

Getting rejected, especially if it happens constantly, can become a bitter narrative in your head of why should I bother to even try again if I am going to get rejected anyway?

After it happened to me repeatedly, I just didn’t want to try anymore. I was afraid to put myself out there. I suffered from the “why bothers.”

Why bother when I am going to get rejected anyway?

Why bother when I am going to lose?

Why bother when I am only going to be told no anyway and not get what I want? Again.

As I said above, this rejection thing can turn into a broken tape being replayed over and over again in your head of “what’s wrong with me?” “Why doesn’t anybody want ME??”

Am I doing something wrong? Should I reevaluate myself?

And you do reevaluate yourself, and STILL it happens!!!

I am not going to rehash the ENDLESS and voluminous times I have been rejected romantically. We’d be here all day.

So, I will only mention the two most recent ones.

In 2022, I faced not one, but TWO romantic rejections. The first was at the beginning of 2022, and by someone I had dated 13 years prior who came back into my life. And yes, I think it was during a mercury retrograde, and I’m just going to leave that right there. 😉

The second occurred at the end of 2022, when after initially meeting someone for coffee, he told me right then and there that there wasn’t a sexual spark. Well, I never!! I wasted a trip out, especially when I was going to leave anyway when I thought he had stood me up!

Then I remembered what someone told me once that rejection means not you, not at this time. I suppose that lessens the blow a bit.

Or you can look at rejection as a good thing, that perhaps the thing you want isn’t good for you after all.

In the above two “romantic” situations, I now consider it a good thing. 😊

And to be fair, I’ve done it, too. Rejected someone romantically. And in some of the most horrific ways, particularly not calling someone back, which is now referred to as “ghosting.” Who comes up with these inane terms anyway?

As adults, it is definitely going to happen. But it is how we handle it that makes the difference. Are we going to move on and not let it bother us? Or are we going to sink into a deep hole of feeling not just rejected, but feeling worthless?

Will the rejection keep us from trying again?

I would never presume to tell anyone how to handle a romantic rejection, but I can sure tell you I’m much better able to handle rejection now than the first time it happened, and I was at the receiving end of Phil Leonard’s rejection at the Power Company back in 1989! We’ve come a long way, baby!

I would hope I wouldn’t let it bother me. The old me would have taken it extremely personally and would have cried, like that cold night in October 1989 when Phil Leonard told me he wasn’t interested in me romantically. I think the new me would be more angry, to be honest, and say “Well, what’s wrong with me?” 😂😂😂

But seriously, I just think I would be more adult about it, and develop a who cares mentality.

My new strategy is more of getting a feel for the person or situation first. See what their vibe is and where they’re coming from before I declare my undying love. 🤣😁😂

Feel the waters, as they say.

And then strike 😂 – er I mean, keep it light and airy and see if they want to hang out.

I don’t want this to sound like Derek’s dating advice, but I’ve been down this road too many times. The one thing I definitely don’t want to do is assume anything. I assumed too much in the past and misread signals.

I definitely do not want to play a scared little rabbit who let the previous jokers and tokers keep me from putting my toe back in the proverbial water. I don’t want them to have power over me.

Atlanta Men, Cliques, Tricks, and Apps

Now, I am going to talk about the Atlanta gay men. Le sigh.

Now, they say that gay men are the same all over. But are they? I wouldn’t know. I have only lived in North Carolina and Atlanta as an adult.

Not meaning to make generalizations – oh hell, yes I do — but Atlanta gay men seem to be very cliquish and into their little categories – the gym bunnies. The bears. The twinks. The white men who only prefer black men. The black men who only prefer white men. It is rather boring.

So, sometimes in trying to break into said categories, the rejection quota went up. In other words, if you don’t look like them or act like them, then go away. And no, I am not crying racism!

Times have changed. And so have the men. The Silver Daddies now all WANT to look like Santa Claus!!! Ugh!! And now EVERYBODY and their gay mama flock to the damn gym! And all of the endless gym pics with these suckers posing. EVERYONE does it now. It’s annoying and quite dull. And these pics are rampant on these dating “apps.”

Speaking of which, these apps are atrocious!!!!!! I don’t know where to even begin with that hot mess. For starters, it is very easy to misrepresent oneself on there. Can we say profile pics that are 30 years old?

Then you’ve got the ones who will CONSTANTLY, almost DAILY look at your picture. And you can tell because usually there is usually a visitors tab to see all the men who’ve viewed you. They look at your pic, yet NEVER say hello or cat, dog, kiss my ass or anything!

And in the middle of the madness, you actually DARE to say hello to any of them, and it’s like – cricket cricket chirp chirp. Nothing. No response. To me that equals rejection.

I can hear some of you now: Derek is BITTER! Easy buzzword to throw out there when it’s true what I’m saying! Just take a look around. You really have to distance yourself from the madness and rise above.

Or, again, as I like to say DETACH. My new favorite word.

And definitely go for it anyway if you feel that strongly. And never allow it to be a reflection of you or your worth.

Now rejection to me is like – “okay. Next?” If this one doesn’t work out, let me try the next thing and the next thing and so on and so forth. I will no longer allow it to rob me of my self worth.

And I most certainly will not allow it to stop me from going after what I want!

I think it’s almost like if you fall off a bike, you have to keep getting back on it.

Above and beyond anything else, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Do something fun for YOU. Better yet, treat yourself as if you are “dating” YOURSELF!

Do YOUR thing. The right person will notice. 😊

That’s it for today.

BUT WAIT! Before you go, a word from our sponsor! 😂

Don’t go away hungry! Click on the link below to get your DoorDash on!!

Come back next time as I delve into hypochondria! Oh I feel sick! 😁🤣😂

Until then, please be safe and mentally healthy – ALWAYS!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello and welcome back! As promised, I am keeping it light and airy for just a couple of weeks. And this week I am talking about soap operas! And the daytime soaps. If I delved into the nighttime soaps, we would be here all night!! 😂

Also please be forewarned that I will be speaking mostly about the ABC soaps, since they were the ones I primarily watched.

However, I became very interested in Another World, Days of Our Lives, and Young & the Restless, too!

And I do have a bit of knowledge about nearly ALL of them, the main ones anyway.

Now. I am going to take this time to answer my own question, which is the title of this post. Are soaps trash or revolutionary?

REVOLUTIONARY, BITCH!!! 🤣🤣🤣

They may be trash now, but back during their heyday – OMG!!! NOBODY missed the soaps!!! And I do mean NOBODY!!!

Housewives didn’t miss their soaps.

Kids out of school for the summer didn’t miss the soaps.

College kids across America scheduled their classes around the soaps. I don’t recall doing that, but then I got my first VCR in college and didn’t have to worry about it. College students caught the soaps in the student union, too!

And even husbands and men who worked night shifts, didn’t miss the soaps!!!

My mother brought in a portable TV on her job so she and her coworker could watch THE SOAPS!!!! 😂🤣😂🤣

People, no doubt, thought soaps were originally about the romance. However, there were MANY times soaps delved into some pretty heavy, real-life topics.

Back in their heyday, soaps were great storytelling vehicles, covering such topics as alcoholism, rape, sexual abuse, cancer, breast cancer, heart disease, eating disorders, DID (formerly known as multiple personality disorder), Alzheimer’s disease, the AIDS crisis, coming out stories, LGBTQ+ stories, prostitution, the mob, and the list goes on and on.

Soaps provided an opportunity to learn and talk about subjects we did not dare discuss. They taught us about certain diseases and ailments that were also happening to real people.

Okay. Don’t play with me, as y’all know at some point in time you watched them. And no doubt you even got hooked like I did. 😂

The whole legend of getting hooked on the stories because of your grandma is very true. That’s where I got my start. My beloved grandmother, Costella, would watch from 12:30 till about 5 p.m., watching both the ABC and NBC soaps. And whenever one of her gal pals would call or she was on the phone and her shows would start, she would ALWAYS end that call by saying, “I’ve got to go now. My stories ’bout to come on!!!” 😂😂😂

And my mother and aunt watched, too. Their soaps were mostly the CBS ones, and whenever they were together, they talked incessantly about Victor Newman, brilliantly played by Eric Braeden, from The Young & The Restless – Y&R. Oh boy, I will never forget what my mother would say about Victor Newman: “Victor can play some games.” 😂

As a child, I remember very vividly various scenes from the soaps. See if you remember or know what and/or whom I’m talking about:

Kim (played by the wonderful Kathryn Hays), from As the World Turns caught in a tornado!!!

Mary Kennicott (Susan Blanchard) visiting Jeff Martin (then played by her real-life husband, Charles Frank) in the hospital as a ghost on All My Children – AMC!!!

Victor Newman locking that poor man up in a secret room!! That poor man was Michael Scott, portrayed by Nick Benedict who played one of the Phil Brents on AMC and was a part of the whole Phil/Tara/Erica storyline!

YASSSSSS, HONEY!!! 😂😂😂

When I was a preteen, I began to think soaps were dumb and stupid. However, things took a dramatic turn (no pun intended) around 1980-81 when I was watching an episode of AMC, and Monique Jonvil (Gillian Spencer, who was the original Viki on OLTL!) was on the witness stand testifying in the Sybil Thorne murder case. In testifying, she revealed some things that made Nina Courtland (Taylor Miller, who has such gorgeous eyes) realize that she was not just her friend, but her MOTHER!!! And her father Palmer Courtlandt (the absolutely amazing James Mitchell) had lied to her all those years saying she was dead! I remember like it was yesterday Nina standing up, muttering “Mother?” and then collapsing!! Nina hit the floor in the wake of the news, y’all!! 🤣🤣😁😁

But it was the summer of 1981 watching General Hospital – GH – and the Ice Princess caper that truly got me HOOKED, when both Luke Spencer (yes, THAT Luke – Anthony Geary) and Robert Scorpio (sexy Tristan Rogers) shimmied across this rope suspended high above water to get aboard the Cassidine yacht!!!! Laura (the extraordinarily talented Genie Francis) had already snuck onboard. LOL

And the Cassadines wanted world domination, and to achieve their evil goal, they had plans to freeze the entire world, if necessary, starting with Port Charles, and Luke saved the day!!

So, soaps even delved into Sci-Fi!!!! Talk about revolutionary!!!

And from that moment on, I would catch both AMC and GH when I was out of school for the summer!! I skipped One Life to Live – OLTL because back then I thought it was dull, though I did catch some great moments when Marco (the incredible Gerald Anthony) and Karen Wolek, (played by THE Judith Light), hopped that train to go on the run in ’81!! 😁😊

Speaking of Karen Wolek and the phenomenally talented Judith Light, remember this iconic scene from below?? And what it was in reference to? And what Karen admitted to God and the rest of the world and all of Llanview??? There will be a clip of that at the end of this post. Tee hee.

And then there was the whole Echo DiSavoy mess on OLTL in 1983!!! That’s right, Kim Zimmer – yes, Reva Shayne – was on OLTL before she was on Guiding Light!!! Then decades later after GL ended, she returned to OLTL to cause more trouble for Clint, Viki, and Viki’s new husband at the time, Charlie Banks (sexy Brian Kerwin!!!)

My tune about OLTL changed during the summer of 1985 when Viki Buchanan (played by the PHENOMENAL ERIKA SLEZAK) turned into NIKI SMITH on the witness stand when Tina Clayton (the beloved Andrea Evans who just passed away 😓) was accused of murdering Harry O’Neill (Frank Converse)!!!!

See below:

As a matter of fact, I remember seeing bits and pieces of the Niki Smith saga unfold back in the day when Tina found the Secret Room underneath Llanfair, and she found out that she was not Viki’s ward, but in fact Viki’s half sister!!! And when confronted with the news, Viki remembered walking in on her father, THE great Victor Lord, in bed with her college best friend, Irene Manning, doing the deed! Ha!

This sent Viki into a tailspin and caused her to develop her split personality Niki.

In 1995, the story was rewritten to include several more personalities of Viki’s, and the true cause of her disorder was the fact that her beloved father, Victor Lord, MOLESTED her as a child!!! OUCH!

This revelation TRULY showed just how unbelievably and extraordinarily talented Erika Slezak is playing SIX different characters!!! And two of them were male!!

And Erika Slezak has won a total of SIX Emmy’s for her amazing work as Victoria Lord Gordon Riley Burke Riley Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks possibly Buchanan again when OLTL ended in 2012!

So, to say I’m a Erika Slezak fanatic is an understatement!!

But I digress.

Soaps also brought us pure fantasy and things that people would consider “jumping the shark,” a phrase I HATE! It’s a damn TV show, so what the hell do you expect?

Um speaking of… look at the pic below. Guess who this is and what is happening and which show this is from? Tee hee

Soaps went from being conversations that centered around the kitchen table over a cup of coffee; all the way to underground cities; heaven; hell; being pregnant and going over a waterfall and surviving, both mother and child; and even going back in time!! 😂😂😂 OLTL was the main culprit of all this!!! 😊😉

Yes, hunty, OLTL took Viki to heaven, Dorian Lord to hell, Viki to the Wild West to bring Clint back, and yes, Viki and the gang even went to the underground city of Eterna, buried underneath a mountain!

Tina (Andrea Evans) was the one who went over the Iguazu Falls in Argentina, pregnant! She survived and then she later found out her baby survived too! Oy!

I must give honorable mention to the Casey space alien story GH undertook in 1990. Yes, little Robin Scorpio (Kimberly McCullough who LITERALLY grew up before our very eyes on the show!!!) met an alien from outer space!!

Honorable mention to:

The Kay/Marge storyline starting back in 1989 on Y&R! Kay’s double, Marge, took over her life back then! LOLOL Years later Marge came back not to hurt Kay this time, but to beg Kay for her help. There was a mixup and Marge died in an accident, but everyone thought it was Kay!! 😁 Anyway, Jeanne Cooper portrayed Katherine Chancellor Sterling from the beginning of the show (1973) until her death (2013). Katherine (and Jeanne) kept that show on its toes!! And the Kay/Jill feud! PHEW!!!!

Mac (the stellar heavyweight Douglass Watson) and Rachel (the incredible Victoria Wyndham) and Iris (the FIERCE Beverlee McKinsey) from Another World!!! Iris did NOT like the fact that her beloved father, Mac, married much younger, former troublemaker Rachel Davis. Talk about DRAMA! It was the whole daddy-married- an-evil-stepmonster-that-I-hate triangle! It was also done on OLTL with Victor, Viki, and Dorian.

The tortured, yet very adventurous love story of Luke and Laura (Genie Francis) from GH. And don’t get me started on how TPTB of ABC and GH RUINED their story later on!!!

And the tortured love story of Doug and Julie (played by real-life couple Doug Hayes and Susan Seaforth Hayes) from the early days of Days of Our Lives – DOOL.

And Oh. My. God. MARLENA’S POSSESSION TWICE ON DOOL!!!!! And you don’t get any more revolutionary than that! Something straight out of The Exorcist!

I am quite sure Deidre Hall had fun with that one!! (And later being a serial killer on Days, too!!!) Pictured here with sexy AF Drake Hogestyn as John Black.

And who can forget about the great, romantic SUPERCOUPLES?:

Luke and Laura. Luke and Laura’s wedding brought in over 30 million viewers on November 17, 1981!! Yes, Laura married her rapist!!! 😱😱😱

Bo and Hope. (Peter Reckell and Kristian Alfonso) from DOOL!

Clint and Viki.

Mac and Rachel.

Josh and Reva!!! (Robert Newman and Kim Zimmer) from Guiding Light!

Angie and Jesse. (Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams) from AMC!

Greg and Jenny. (Laurence Lau and Kim Delaney) from AMC!

Cord (sexy John Loprieno) and Tina from OLTL!!!

And of course, I cannot leave this post without mentioning the grande divas of daytime – Erica Kane (Susan Lucci) from AMC and Dorian Cramer Lord (Robin Strasser) from OLTL!!!!!

And the soap themes!!!!! This may be John’s top soap themes, but they are not necessarily Derek’s top themes, in that order that is. But just to take us down memory lane. Haha!

In memoriam:

Sadly the soap world lost the amazingly talented and popular Jacklyn Zeman (who played Bobbie Spencer, yes, Luke’s little sister) from GH. Jackie had been on that show since 1977! Her character Bobbie went through a whole helluva lot on GH! Bobbie was a former teen prostitute who turned her life around and eventually became head surgical nurse at General Hospital and even married a doctor!

Andrea Evans (THE Tina Clayton Lord Roberts) from OLTL.

And John Aniston (yes, Jennifer’s dad), Victor Kiriakis, from DOOL.

Now for THE big scene featuring Judith Light (Karen Wolek on OLTL), when she testified on behalf of Viki Riley for murdering Marco Dane, which Viki didn’t do. And in testifying for Viki, Karen admitted on the witness stand that she was a prostitute for Marco!!! And her poor husband Larry (Michael Storm) and sister Jenny (Brynn Thayer) were sitting in the courtroom to hear this!! To say she shocked all of Llanview was an understatement. Well, Viki found out earlier that Karen was a housewife turned hooker for Marco Dane! 😊 Skip to 45:30 for the drama and the big reveal.

Please tell me what you used to watch in the comment section below.

Now before you go, click on the banner below to get your grub on – DOORDASH!!:

There is sooooooo much to write about the soaps that there is NO WAY I could cover it all in just one post. I am sure that down the road, I shall revisit this topic again.

At any rate, that is it for now. Next time, it is back to the harder subjects. Coming up soon, it’s going to be about rejection!!!!! Stay tuned…

Until then, please be safe and mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back, dear readers and friends!!

Today’s post is designed to be “light and airy” and just talk about things you do to relax. I am going to list the things I generally do to relax and/or activities I engage in to take my mind off things. Now, this post may sort of be a redo of what I have posted before, but if you are new to my blog, then they will be new to you. 😊

There are a number of ways to relax:

Meditation.

Exercising (not my favorite).

Reading.

Facials!

Mud baths.

Manicures and pedicures.

A walk in nature or just being in nature.

Having cocktails with friends.

And I cannot stress enough how music is such a relaxing tool for me. Whether I am listening to it, or playing it on my instruments, it is a great way for me to forget what a stressful world this can be.

I MUST start my day with music. I stopped turning on the news first thing in the morning a long time ago when I realized all they were showing was depressing stuff. After all, I will find out about the horrors of the world at some point during the day anyway.

Well, I cannot mention music without mentioning watching TV. I am a YouTube fanatic. My YouTube is now actually connected to both of my television sets. I watch most of my stuff on YouTube, as well as listen to my music on that platform. I have so many playlists of both music and TV shows and movies, I can’t keep count anymore. 😁😂

Sitting outside on my “lanai” (Golden Girls reference) is certainly one of my best ways to relax. I start this process in the spring when the weather FINALLY makes up its mind to turn warm and stay that way. I put on my ear pods and listen to music on my iPhone. I usually write in my journal of Great Ideas while outside. I normally write ideas for my screenplays. Add a nice cold beverage of my choice, and I am in heaven. 🌈🍹🍸

Speaking of writing, that is certainly one of my preferred ways to relax. I immerse myself in a make-believe world of MY choice. And I absolutely LOVE and enjoy writing my blog. I get a kick out of writing my gay soap opera, and now my new miniseries! That is correct. One of my feature film scripts has now turned into a full-blown miniseries!!! 😁😊❤️

Working on my scripts is so exhilarating!!! Now talk about being transported! I lose myself in my screenwriting. Right now, I am working on three different screenplays. One is my longtime Fabulous And Gorgeous script, which starts off in 1977. So, that means a trip back in time to the 1970s and everything disco! LOLOL 🕺🪩

I have another script that is actually a prequel to Fabulous And Gorgeous (I call it FAG. That’s right. I am taking that awful word back!!) Anyway, the yet untitled prequel starts off in 1934 and will go to present day, without hopefully giving too much away about the FAG script, which will eventually take us forward in time. This particular script will focus mainly on other characters not necessarily in FAG.

And then there is my Social Murder screenplay, which has absolutely nothing to do with the other two. (Or does it?) Tee hee. This script is set in present day and is a dark comedy/thriller. And it has to do with social media.

Oh goodness! I hope I am not giving too much away! 😂🤣😂

Honorable mention to relaxing in bed watching TV, with more emphasis on being in the bed. LOLOL Sometimes I don’t even pay attention to what is on TV. As a matter of fact, I set my TV to a timer, and fall asleep. That way the TV can turn itself off once I do. 😂😂

And yes, taking a nap is another way I relax. I am quite sure a number of us can relate to that one. There are so many thoughts on napping. Some people say that you should only take a 15-30 minute “power” nap. Maybe 45 minutes. Others say don’t nap at all because it could mess with your nighttime sleep schedule. I usually nap for a couple of hours or more! And nope. It doesn’t interfere with my regular sleep sleep.

It’s all good since the idea is to promote better, overall mental wellbeing. Being able to relax, I mean really relax is so good for not just your mental health, but your overall physical health as well.

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That’s it for today. Thank you for stopping by. Next week, I’m going to talk about soap operas. That’s right. Keeping it light and airy for a couple of weeks before returning to the heavy stuff, such as REJECTION! Hint. Hint.

Until then, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back, everyone who has dared to come back. Because the past couple of weeks have been a doozy talking about the NP – the narcissistic parent.

“A narcissistic parent will walk all over their family ― even their children ― to get their needs met.” – TRUTH!!!

This week I am going to talk about how to handle and/or deal with your NP.

Here are some ways you can deal with your NP, and in an effective way:

1. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST! Make sure YOUR needs are taken care of. You’ve taken care of the NP long enough.
2. Realize they are narcissistic and what they are up to. I am saying you don’t have to call them out on their behaviour. By all means if you feel safe to do that, then do it. But again, you cannot change the NP.
3. Let them go!!! Or rather, let it go. Move forward and rise above.
4. Develop positive coping mechanisms and skills. Try deep breathing exercises. Mindfulness. Exercise. Music. Meditation.
5. Set clear and defined boundaries.
6. In a calm way, let them know that you will no longer put up with their behaviour.
7. Detach. This is one of my favorite ones.
8. LOVE YOURSELF!
9. Seek therapy if necessary.
10. If you haven’t already, find out who YOU are!!

And here are some other ways to deal with your NP:

I believe one of the most important things to remember in dealing with an NP is to not challenge or argue with them. That will definitely make things worse. Believe me, I ought to know. You may have to simply disconnect from them. I would even say, if necessary, cut them out of your life.

Limit your time around them. They are extremely toxic, and there is no need to further damage your mentality by being around them. Believe me when I tell you that I do not communicate with my NP as much as I do with other family members.

And I think above and beyond anything else, LOVE YOURSELF! Know and understand that THEIR toxicity has NOTHING at all to do with you!

Also, remember that narcissists do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions, and they most certainly do not believe they are wrong.

I have said it before in this post, and I will say it again: Love YOURself!! Take care of YOURself!!

That is all I have for you today. I hope that you have enjoyed my 3-part series on the subject of the NP. Come back next week as I discuss relaxation.

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Thank you for stopping by. Join me next week when I talk about relaxation. In the meantime, and as always, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Valuable sources:

How Having a Narcissistic Parent Impacts Young Adult Mental Health