Welcome back, my dear friends and readers!!! We are just coming off yet another Pride Month. And I do hope yours was FANTABULOUS!!
🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
With the decks constantly stacked against us, especially where SCOTUS rulings and conservative Christians STILL attacking us, now more than ever, the LGBTQ+ community, particularly gay men need to come together to fight!
And considering last Friday when I posted my Stonewall/Marsha P. Johnson post, SCOTUS pulled a fast one and basically said it was okay for businesses to discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community based on religion. And on the final day of Pride!!! 😡😡😡
But anyway. I suppose when I came out, I expected it to be one big, grand GAY party. Lots of men, lots of sex, lots of love, and lots of support.
Um but that didn’t happen, not quite like that anyway.
I especially expected an immediate boyfriend, too. Definitely didn’t work out that way at first. Sure I most certainly have had my fair share of lovers and dates and boyfriends, but the support, though, that’s another thing.
There is nothing like having your “sisters” around you. And if you don’t know the gay lingo, ‘sister’ refers to your closest gay brothers. These are cisgender gay men. Just like when I say someone is “family,” that means they are gay, just like me/us.
And I have close “sisters” and gay friendships, plenty of those. But it seems, for example, when I am on certain gay platforms, okay like social media, the men are not supportive at all. Unless you look a certain way. In other words, if you work out in a gym daily, or the new thing is gray-haired gay men, and now long, Santa Claus-bearded gay men and Silverdaddies, etc., you’re in.
You receive all sorts of accolades related to LOOKS.
And before we go any further, this is NOT a crybaby post about how I don’t get any attention, because I get PLENTY of attention from men, thank you very much.
And I am trying not to make blanket statements. Forgive me if I do.
But I am talking about support that goes deeper than your looks or sex. I am talking about support where you need it most – and no not financially – but simply emotionally.
I will take that one gay group that I USED to belong to, as an example. Gay men would post innocent questions in the group, and I don’t believe they were seeking the typical validation. However, there were several very caustic and downright mean comments thrown at them.
And that wasn’t the first time I had seen rude comments like that.
I, myself, fell victim to it once when I posted a joking comment towards one of my gay friends also on this particular site. And someone I didn’t know, TRIED to make a mean comment to me. I simply laughed. Literally. 😂
And it isn’t just on social media or online forums.
We tear each other down, whether it is over looks, the gym, diet, our choice in fashion, our choice in dating.
And don’t get me started on the little subgroups I have noticed popping up over the DECADES since I’ve been out.
The bears. The twinks. The gym bunnies. The preppies. The chubby guys. The chubby chasers. The over 60 group. The under 60 group. The A-lister gays. And so on, and so forth.
It’s like this little hierarchy or categories we as gay men find ourselves in.
And honorable mention to gay men who find their loves and/or husbands. They act like no one else exists!
I am fortunate, because I pretty much stay off to myself these days! 😂😂😂
And when I do, I hang out with a group of great gay guys. But just like my dearly, departed friend Charles B. Enzor used to say – “keep it light and airy.” And I do.
And I think I see what Charles really meant now. Perhaps, the “keep it light and airy” attitude is to protect yourself.
But again, I am fortunate because there are a couple of gay men I know who are in my corner. And I am in theirs.
I do feel, though, like as a group overall, we as gay men can support each other more.
After all, once you leave the bars and the drinks behind, will your gay peeps really have your back if something horrible happens in your life? Think about it.
And the same applies across the board: Black people, women, lesbians, and the list goes on and on. We can ALL do better!
And gay men, remember we are more than our bank accounts, gym memberships, and penis size. We have a LOT to offer this world, and I really do believe this world truly needs us. And we are definitely STRONG ENOUGH!!!
Before you leave, though, please check out Sesame Care, which is an affordable and accessible direct-to-patient health care company. You don’t need health insurance, and you can schedule appointments in the comfort of your own home through telehealth!
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Thank you once again for stopping by. Until the next time and in the meantime, as always, please be safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I hope all of you are safe and well and celebrating Pride!
For Pride month, I am dusting off some old Pride posts from two years ago! (With some slight alterations 😊) And here we go!
I cannot believe that it has been 54 years since the Stonewall Riots happened. Now. I am sure many of you know about Stonewall or what it is and what it represents pertaining to the gay community. If not, here is a brief history lesson:
Way back in the day, starting in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, (I was only two years of age then, and clearly had no idea of what a Stonewall was), Stonewall Inn, which was then located in New York City on Christopher Street, was the site of riots, which led to the gay movement, which led to all of those Gay Pride parades that so many conservative Christians LOVE to try and infiltrate, interrupt, and protest. Ha!
Gay bars were subject to raids back then by the police – big surprise. But on that night/early morning of June 28, 1969, the gay community had had enough. And they pushed back. Hard. Fights broke out when the police arrived. Confrontations occurred within the bar, as well as outside on the street. The police arrested about 13 people, one being a lesbian who allegedly said to fight back. So, the already pissed-off crowd did just that, throwing all sorts of objects at the police. The pushback was so fierce that the police ended up barricading themselves inside the bar with some of the prisoners they had arrested. Some of the patrons outside, which by now included part of the neighborhood, set the bar on fire!! (There are accounts that say the police set the fire.) Fortunately, the police and prisoners were able to escape.
The fighting lasted for several days. But this led to what some call the beginning of the Gay Liberation Movement. The following year, on June 28, 1970, was the very first Gay Pride parade which occurred in Los Angeles. The Pride parades have continued to this day across the country and even around the world.
Marsha! Marsha! MARSHA!!!
And depending on whom you ask there is one name, in particular, that is given credit for the uprising on June 28, 1969. And that is Marsha P. Johnson, a fierce black drag queen, who was born Malcom Michaels, Jr. Some of the accounts seem to tell a different version of what happened that night and how Marsha was involved, but it is no doubt that her name has become synonymous with the Gay Liberation Movement.
“Johnson has been named, along with Zazu Nova and Jackie Hormona, by a number of the Stonewall veterans interviewed by David Carter in his book, Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution, as being “three individuals known to have been in the vanguard” of the pushback against the police at the uprising. Johnson denied starting the uprising. In 1987, Johnson recalled arriving at around “2:00 [that morning]”, that “the riots had already started” by that time and that the Stonewall building “was on fire” after police set it on fire.[11] The riots reportedly started at around 1:20 that morning after Stormé DeLarverie fought back against the police officer who attempted to arrest her that night.
Carter writes that Robin Souza had reported that fellow Stonewall veterans and gay activists such as Morty Manford and Marty Robinson had told Souza that on the first night, Johnson “threw a shot glass at a mirror in the torched bar screaming, ‘I got my civil rights'”. Souza told the Gay Activists Alliance shortly afterwards that it “was the shot glass that was heard around the world”. Carter, however, concluded that Robinson had given several different accounts of the night and in none of the accounts was Johnson’s name brought up, possibly in fear that if he publicly credited the uprising to Johnson, then Johnson’s well-known mental state and gender nonconforming, “could have been used effectively by the movement’s opponents”. The alleged “shot glass” incident has also been heavily disputed. Prior to Carter’s book, it was claimed Johnson had “thrown a brick” at a police officer, an account that was never verified. Johnson also confirmed not being present at the Stonewall Inn when the rioting broke out, but instead had heard about it and went to get Sylvia Rivera who was at a park uptown sleeping on a bench to tell her about it. However, many have corroborated that on the second night, Johnson climbed up a lamppost and dropped a bag with a brick in it down on a police car, shattering the windshield.”
And now that we are here at the 54th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, I am wondering what would have happened if Stonewall HADN’T occurred. Where would we, as an LGBTQ+ community, be today? Would the riots have eventually happened? Would they have happened elsewhere? Would police raids STILL continue?? Well, Atlanta sure saw one several years ago when the Atlanta Eagle was raided by police, which resulted in several lawsuits! THIS is part of why we do what we do!!
So, this is why Stonewall means a lot to me. I am touched by the fact that our community fought back instead of sitting on their behinds and taking the abuse straight society has perpetuated on us for EONS. We don’t want to fight you; we just want to be your equals. I know, to some, the parades are nothing but fluff, an opportunity to get drunk or naked and show off those gym-buff bodies or participate in debauchery, or whatever that means for you. However, there is always a deeper meaning, and I don’t want our community to ever lose sight of that meaning. And that is the freedom to simply be who we really are without fear, without judgment, without hatred. And without facing death.
And as much as I hate to say this, when it comes to thanking the military for my freedom, I don’t. I thank those wonderful people who led the way back in 1969, as well as the brave abolitionists and slaves who also had had enough!!!
And I don’t think we should ever take for granted how far we have come (marriage equality, etc.). We most certainly still have much farther to go. However, if it weren’t for the Marsha P. Johnsons and others on the night/early morning of June 28, 1969, we would still, no doubt, be harassed by the police and others without any consequences.
If you are wondering what does this have to do with mental health? PLENTY!! I cannot stress enough that it is very unhealthy and toxic to live in a world that caters to a majority, where there is no equality or a place for you at the table. So, in summation, however you celebrate Pride, remember to say a THANK YOU TO THE STONEWALL INN PATRONS for having the courage to risk their lives so that people like you and me can be free to be ourselves! HAPPY GAY PRIDE!!! 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
And remember, Pride is not just for one month, but ALWAYS!!!!!
BUT WAIT! Before you go, check this out!
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Click the banner ad below! And in the meantime, please be safe, and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
For the rest of the month, I am dusting off some old blog posts from last year pertaining to Pride. Today’s post was originally entitled For the Love of Pride, Please Stop the Microaggressions Directed towards the LGBTQ+ Community! So, you will see the word “microaggression” used a lot in this post. And I’ve done some retouches.
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Today’s topic pertains to the hatred and microaggressions that my LGBTQ+ community face.
And what is a microaggression? A microaggression is a big, fancy word that means “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority),” or in this case the LGBTQ+ community. In other, OTHER words, those little jabs and comments that str8 people make towards my community that are MEANT to be funny, but actually are not, but instead are very hurtful, harmful, toxic, misinformed, mean-spirited, downright rude, and just plain stupid. I see them as side, shady comments.
But at the end of the day, they are hateful and VERY prejudiced. And that is why I changed the original title to what it is.
And believe me, they take a toll on your mental wellbeing in having to either explain yourself over and over and OVER again. Or just simply having to hear them, making you feel less than or that you are not a real, worthy, or equal person (to your hetero counterparts).
I do not intend for this blog to be a finger pointer or a rant. (Okay, maybe just a little. 😂😂😂😂) But just some things for our straight allies to understand. So, you will have to forgive my tone. If it comes across as angry or “salty,” well, so be it. We’ll all survive. After all, the LGBTQ+ community has survived a lot of vitriol, hateful comments, and even death for eons.
I was inspired by the article by Huffpost entitled 14 Microaggressions LGBTQ People deal with All the Time. I have included the link at the end of this article as my source. But you know I had to include my own personal microaggressions.
There may be a crisscross between the Huffington Post list and mine, by the way. They listed 14, but I’m listing 16. (But there are MANY others!!) But, here we go:
Your “LIFESTYLE.” What the heck??? WHAT lifestyle? Is this The Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous with Robin Leach??? Because that is what I think of whenever a straight person says this, like we are making tons of money, living in fancy houses, and going on expensive vacations. It is totally ignorant and ridiculous. Is there a HETEROSEXUAL lifestyle? By all means, let me know. And it seems to be the go-to term to describe the LGBTQ+ community. However, I NEVER hear it when referring to straight people. It is rather tired and annoying.
From the conservative Christians or Christians period: “I love you. Just not your LIFESTYLE.” Again, what lifestyle? And do you know how condescending this is? As if anyone cares whether or not you LOVE us. All we ask is that you do not be condescending or cruel to us or, heaven forbid, hurt us. This implies that you are better than us, and that we should be pitied. You don’t have to “love us.” Just accept us for who we are, and that we most certainly aren’t going anywhere. Oh. And you don’t have to tolerate us either, which brings me to the next one.
I tolerate your LIFESTYLE or people like you. What are we? Annoying children that must be tolerated? Or perhaps we are your in-laws that must be “tolerated” whenever they come to dinner or come to visit. You have to put up with us?? Well, we’re not the majority. You are. So, who needs to tolerate whom???? Again, VERY condescending.
The gay bars. Here we go: Now, I remember inviting some of my straight female friends to go with me to the bars wayyyyy back when I first came out. I had one who flat out refused, because she “didn’t want to be seen in such a place.” Hey, that’s cool. Whatever. Over the years, I have certainly had my straight female friends, and even straight male friends, come with. Again, really cool. However, what I have seen over the past decade or so is that it appears to be a “straight invasion” into the queer bars. For God sakes’ WHY? It is nice to have visitors, but damn! You’ve taken over!!! Some people, especially the women, act as if they OWN the joint! I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed straight women, particularly, coming in and trying to take over! They are loud, rude, and very, very obnoxious! And even “handsy,” if you know what I mean. Keep your bloody hands to yourself! And whenever a great song comes on and I am dancing or another gay man is dancing alone, why do they feel a need to join you without asking for permission? Very annoying. Look at it this way, when you are in your own bars and a straight man comes up and starts dancing with you that you don’t know, how does that make YOU feel? And especially if he starts touching you. Same thing in a gay bar. And heck, there are gay men that I don’t like touching me. So, why would I want a woman to touch me? And please find another venue for your bachelorette parties! I understand you feel comfortable in a gay bar. But you are starting to make us feel UNCOMFORTABLE. Oh and for the record, I am not saying stay out. I am saying BE RESPECTFUL!!! So, don’t even begin to think this is misogynistic in any way. We gay men LOVE our hetero female counterparts. Heck, we ARE you in a lot of ways. But how would you like it if we started coming into your bars and coming onto and being overly friendly with your husbands and boyfriends??? I’ll wait …
“Is that your preference?” YES! My God!! Is being straight yours???? Why are straight people not asked these insipid questions???? LOL
One that I am surprised has come up recently is “How do you know you’re ‘that way’ if you haven’t tried it?” Meaning if you’re a lesbian, being with a man or if you’re a gay man, being with a woman. Well, trust me you know!!! How do you know you’re heterosexual if you’ve never been with your same sex? Also, there are PLENTY of gay men and lesbians who have been with the opposite sex and did NOT like it at all. It just didn’t feel right. So, then there’s that.
Speaking of “that way,” what does that mean to say that someone is “that way?” Which way? Is this a direction? Are we going someplace??
“You’re gay, so you are not a ‘real man’ or a ‘real woman.'” Hmmm okay, so define what a “real man or real woman” is. I’ll wait. So, is it just based on biology or science or whether or not you can procreate or desire to be with the opposite sex?? Believe you me, I know PLENTY of LGBTQ+ peeps who are more of a “real man or woman” than a lot of heterosexual people I know, because of the fact that they are simply brave enough to be THEMSELVES by facing microaggressions, hate, scorn, ridicule, danger or even death.
“Why would you want to be ‘that way’ when there are soooooo many women/men out there?” Well, why would you want to be “that way” (str8) when there are sooooo many of your same sex out there to choose from? LOLOL And I guess here is where I have to say it: YOU ARE BORN “THAT WAY!”!
And that brings us to “You weren’t born that way. God didn’t intend for you to be ‘that way’!” Seems like “that way” comes up a lot, huh? For as long as I can remember, I felt different. Very different. All the other boys around me were looking at the girls, talking about them in a suggestive manner. And I NEVER felt that energy. I was looking at THEM, the boys instead! LOL So, yes, I was born “that way.”
“The right man/woman can CHANGE you!” Um no. They cannot. A woman would not be able to change me from gay to straight. She doesn’t have the right – um – stuff 😂🌈 Not to mention there is ZERO attraction there. Yes, I think there are sooooo many beautiful women out there, but that is as far as it goes, acknowledging they are pretty or beautiful. But I do not wish to have sex with or be with any of them.
“I never knew you were gay. You don’t act it.” Or even the opposite. There are sooooo many effeminate-acting men out there who claim they are NOT gay. And I have met many of them, and I don’t think they are. And just for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with “acting gay” or if you’re a lesbian “acting butch.”
Making assumptions about gay people that are quite frankly stereotypical. In other words, lesbians must LOVE sports or look or act a certain way, and are handy with tools. While gay men LOVE musicals, love fashion, love to shop, and have great fashion sense, oh and can interior decorate like nobody’s business. Just dumb, dumb, DUMB! We all like different things! And can do different things. So, does that mean that straight women can’t be handy with tools or love sports and not have any fashion sense? And believe me, I know plenty of gay men who LOVE sports! I have never liked them, but there are gay men out there who do. And I can’t stand musicals, and I definitely am not a slave to fashion. As a matter of fact, in the spring and summertime, I prefer a T-shirt, shorts, and flipflops wherever I go!!
No homo by the “bruthas” when they hug you. Ugh!!! So, this implies that gay men find EVERY straight man attractive. And that is definitely a big NO!!! And again, very condescending to make the assumption that even from a simple hug, that we would even want you. Please do NOT flatter yourself. So, every time you hug a straight female, does that mean you want her or vice versa??? Just curious ….
This is sort of an old one from back in the day, but “Who’s the man and who’s the woman?” WTF???? Do you mean who’s the top and who’s the bottom?? 😂 Okay, first of all, we are both MEN! And with lesbian couples, they are both WOMEN! Enough said. There are no switched gender roles. So sorry to disappoint.
16. And I am going to add one as an actor having played GASP! – gay roles. And I’m throwing Atlanta under the bus, because this is where I heard this garbage. And this has been said by str8 male actors here in Atlanta. “You were playing yourself.” Okay. You homophobic JACKASS! As a str8 actor playing a str8 role, were you playing YOURSELF??????? Again, I’ll wait.
So, those are my 16 personal microaggressions and hateful, prejudiced and ignorant comments seen and heard consistently by the LGBTQ+ community. What are yours? I definitely want to know and how it has affected you personally. Leave me a comment below!
Source/Inspiration:
That is it for today. Thank you so much for listening to my rant. Continue to celebrate PRIDE. Be proud of who you are, and until the next time, please be safe and mentally well! HAPPY PRIDE!! 🌈🌈
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dearest friends! And HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!!
🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈
For all of my LGBTQ+ peers, I do hope your Pride is going extremely well!!
And that is what I wish to discuss this week. Actually, this is a redux of a post I previously published two years ago during Pride month. So, keep reading!!
Sissy!
Faggot!
Punk!
These were just a few of the names that I was called growing up in Wadesboro, North Carolina. These awful names hurt me. A lot. I was mocked and ridiculed by not only classmates and some of the neighborhood kids, but also in some cases teachers and other adults. And I didn’t know what I did to deserve it. Apparently, I acted like a “girl” when I was a child, which APPARENTLY warranted such abuse. But it wasn’t just the words that hurt. It was the attitude of society, of the entire world that may have hurt the most.
Trying to hide my identity was so mentally draining. I felt like Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman or rather Diana Prince, trying to hide the fact that she was actually Wonder Woman. I did everything I could to not let my secret be exposed – or rather – to try and prove everyone wrong, that I was NOT a sissy, faggot, punk! I didn’t do it by dating girls, though I did take one to my senior prom.
One thing I felt that I could do was pretend to like sports. So, I feigned an interest so that my then-best friend, who was really into sports, surely didn’t believe that I was queer. I NEVER liked sports. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I did like wrestling, because of the men in their tight trunks 🌈😂🌈😂🌈😂😂 I did develop a taste for basketball, mostly college basketball such as the UNC-Chapel Hill team and I, of course, later attended and graduated from UNC!
In secret, I would put a towel on my head and pretend to be a girl. I put on my aunt’s makeup and bra and heels and would parade around the house that way when no one was home. I worked the runway, honey, before it was a thing! But ahhhh the towel on my head thing. Let’s go back even further.
It started when I was very little. I don’t remember the exact age, but I would guess I was probably 6 years old. I would put a large bath towel on my head to represent my “long hair,” and then I would parade around the house and say “I’m a girl! Girl! Girl!” LOL I did this for YEARS! Well, at least for the first couple of years out in the open. I would even do it outdoors and walk around that way, and I didn’t care who saw me!!!! Heck, my aunt would even sometimes fashion the towel into a ponytail. I thought I was hot!! 😂😉😁😊
But the years went by, and I believe I was around 10 at the height of The Bionic Woman, (and yes, I definitely put my towel/wig on and pretended to be Jaime) when my grandmother and my aunt both started yelling at me to “take that mess off your head!” I felt hurt and crushed. So, I did what they asked. And that is when I started doing it in secret all the way through high school!!
When I look back on it, I wonder if they hadn’t stopped me and had encouraged me instead, if I would have become a drag queen or female impersonator. Or maybe transgender. 🤷♂️🤷🤷♂️🤷🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Taking a timeout for this brief endorsement.
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Okay. And we’re back.
Religion/Christianity Apparently Doesn’t Like Us!
“You’re going to burn in hell if you’re gay!”
“Mankind shall not lie with mankind! It is an abomination unto the Lord!”
More damaging rhetoric. And, of course, it comes from religion. And, of course, I have to mention it.
And nothing has changed in terms of how some “Christians” feel about homosexuality. How many times have I heard from straight Christians “I love YOU. Just not your lifestyle.” Lifestyle????? What is this The Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous? Is heterosexuality a LIFESTYLE??? Because I have NEVER heard it called that. And do you know how condescending it is to hear someone say that? They love YOU but not your lifestyle, as if being straight is such a superior, wonderful thing to be. Well, straight people have their privilege. The privilege of being able to walk down the street holding hands without receiving any stares. (Or hateful comments. Or even death threats). The privilege of having the benefit of the doubt and the assumption that you are straight. The privilege of being able to have and adopt children freely and without question. The privilege for being automatically understood, accepted, loved and never judged just for being straight. And the list goes on and on.
One summer visiting my folks and brother in D.C., I saw this Christian pamphlet on homosexuality and how wrong and abnormal it was and sinful, of course. Mind you, the pamphlet was in my parents’ house. From what I remember, it told the story of a young boy who was “lured” into homosexuality by an older man in a park. How. Stupid. As if that is how it happens. But it made it seem that is how homosexuality starts, from a depraved older man preying on boys. In a park.
That is NOT how it happens!!! Either you are or you aren’t. Yes, you are BORN THAT WAY! There is no horrific event that “makes” or “turns” you gay. Is there a single event that makes or turns you straight? I’ll wait. But reading that pamphlet made me feel even worse about myself. I felt guilty and ashamed. And alone.
And for the Christians reading this who feel the need to pray over me and my “lifestyle,” save the prayers for YOUR ignorance, bigotry, and stupidity. Yeah. I said it.
Toxic Media Images – It’s the Straight way or the HIGHWAY!
Now, let’s talk about the images we, as gay people, see on television, in the media, magazines, and in the movies, etc.
Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Pretty much the end of the story. Boy and girl live happily ever after, and raise their little family. Blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth. Everyone applauds and approves of such a union. Growing up, I never saw boy meets boy. Or girl meets girl. Instead the images and portrayals of gay men were always about us being made fun of, beaten up, or even murdered. No happily ever after. None of that. Later on, we eventually became the best friend to the heroine. Or the comic relief. We were the hairdressers TO or the confidante OF the female bestie. We NEVER got true love stories or happily ever afters of our own, I suppose, because we were seen as the joke, the clowns, the deviants in our secret homosexual world with our sick and sordid backroom sexual antics that were never spoken of. Only in whispers and stares. But gee. I wonder who put us there. Hmmm … 🤔😔
The Big Secret
Being gay, you’re the big secret. The awful thing that struggles first with your identity, but then after you realize who you really are, you must decide whether to either continue to keep it a secret or to come out to your family and friends and tell them the truth about who you really are. It is VERY stressful, to say the least. And some gays and lesbians cannot deal with all of this and fall into severe depression and even decide to end their lives. Gee, how many straight people end their lives over being … straight? Again, I’ll wait. Cricket. Cricket. It is horrible to think that you don’t feel your life is worth living, because you feel that you cannot be your true, authentic self. And that really hurts and is quite damaging to your self-worth, psyche and mental wellbeing.
Yes, it does take a toll on your mental health. You cannot imagine what it is like having to deal with all of this. And the older you are, I would suspect the more trouble you had coming out. I do feel like things are easier now for the LGBTQ community in terms of coming out and being accepted. Goodness! You have CHILDREN coming out now!!!! But there are hordes and hordes of people out there who will NEVER accept who we are. And people who will forever remain in the closet out of fear. Again, this is very damaging to your mental health and wellbeing.
In summation, growing up gay in a straight world was NOT easy. And yes, it really, REALLY SUCKED!!! The mental and emotional toll it took on me (and countless others) was devastating. This is why I encourage people to be themselves. I am a huge supporter of transgender rights and for people to be called or referred to whatever they wish to be called or referred to. You know, it is not for any of us to try and understand or judge. Just let people be and accept – not tolerate because that implies dealing with something repugnant and/or putting up with something you don’t really care about in the first place – people for who they are. Just embrace and accept people as you would expect them to do for you.
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Thank you for stopping by. And I do hope to see you all again soon. In the meantime, as always please be safe and mentally well!!!
Wait!!! And one more thing, do what you want, be what/who you ARE!!! 😊😊😊
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dear friends! I hope everyone is doing well and everything is going according to your plan!
“Feelings!!! Nothing more than FEELINGS!”
I am pretty sure many of you have heard the song, sung and covered by NUMEROUS artists. However, it first became famous because of Morris Albert back in 1975. (Though there is the controversy that he stole it from LouLou Gasté and was subsequently sued!!) But check it out anyway: 😂
The reason I am bringing this up is because for most of my life, I have been told that my feelings and emotions are bad. Rather, the negative ones are bad – such as anger, sadness, and yes, bitterness and hate.
But why are people so afraid of feelings and emotions, even their own?
We are given all sorts of mixed and rather toxic messages about our feelings and emotions, starting even in childhood.
As a child, when I was spanked, and started to cry, I was told “stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” Um well, you are inflicting physical pain upon me that hurts. So, yes, I am going to CRY!!! PLUS you are ALREADY giving me something to cry about in the first place!!! DAMN! Make up your mind!
Little boys are often told “don’t cry. Crying is for sissies.” Another horrible, toxic message given to boys and men.
Even young girls are being told to “toughen up. It’s a man’s world. So, you gotta show how strong you are. Show no weakness. Be and act like a MAN!!”
And then you get older, and you are told to not show your anger. “Don’t let things bother you. Don’t get mad. Are you mad? Why are you mad?” It’s ridiculous.
And don’t get me started on the whole hate thing. Okay, so definitely hating people, especially specific groups of people who are different than you, is NOT a good thing. However, if someone does something to you that is horrible, it is normal to hate what they did and even hate that person. You are allowed to feel that way. These are YOUR feelings! And there is nothing wrong with that!
I would say don’t get stuck in that feeling, though. But it is okay to feel how you want to feel. Just figure out a way to work through it.
As adults, we are constantly told “to be strong.” “Never let them see you sweat.” Blah, blah, blah. But I’m really wondering why these stupid things are said? Is it to better help the person feeling this way to cope or “feel” better?
OR is it because it makes others FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE??????????
So, this is a good timeout to do a little endorsement. So, please bear with me.
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Okay. Endorsement over. 😉😊❤️
Yep. Methinks that is what is mostly behind why people are against “certain” things, emotions, and yes, even people. THEY don’t want to feel uncomfortable.
It’s like people would rather see a train wreck (or car accident on the highway), rubbernecking and breaking their neck to see what happened – than to deal with someone who is expressing a “negative” feeling or emotion.
How many times have I been told – no LABELED – that I’m angry. I’m bitter. I’m letting something bother me. I’m complaining. ????
Honestly, this is how I tell a story! LOLOL I am very animated and dramatic (another of my labels). I feel like a fiery Italian (no offense at all to Italians!) telling a story, but others see it as bitterness, which is stupid. I don’t know how to tell a story without putting some PASSION behind it. I think it’s funny, but people take it TOOOOOOO seriously! Damn!
There are people, I know, who express themselves in the same way. As a matter of fact, they go even further than I do. BUT their friends and loved ones applaud them for “telling it like it is.” Me? What do I get? You’re angry. Okay. Thanks, a lot. Bitch. 😂😂😂
And don’t even be really enthusiastic or happy about something either, because people think you’re crazy, high or on something!
I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I know there are those of you who have been dismissed and, perhaps, STILL being dismissed or rather gaslit into believing that what you feel is not valid or correct or just in YOUR mind and not true or real. I say how you feel is how you feel. Doesn’t make you wrong or bad. It simply means you’re HUMAN.
And going back to the original question – why are people afraid of their own feelings?
I think it’s because they are afraid of showing any kind of weakness or deficit. Because if they show that, then they open themselves up to potential criticism, shame or ridicule.
And as a result, we have been conditioned to walk around like zombies, i.e. that we don’t let anything bother us. And to an extent, I can agree with that. But certainly not to the detriment of your mental health.
We don’t want to cry when we feel like crying. We don’t want to vent when we’re angry. We don’t want to say how we really feel. Why? Because we ALWAYS want to appear as though we ALWAYS have it together. And also, because we don’t want to come across as vulnerable. But guess what? We are.
I think experiencing negative feelings is a good thing. Maybe it means something in your life needs to change, including yourself.
I have learned that when there is something or someone bothering me, perhaps it is time to move on. Change something, even if that something is me.
Feelings are NOT bad!! Sure, hanging onto certain feelings isn’t a good thing. However, allow yourself to feel that emotion, and then deal with it and yes, move forward and upward. (If you have read other blog posts of mine, you know I HATE the phrase “get over it!!!!)
I am not suggesting you wallow in your feelings or get lost in them or stay in them. What I am saying is ALLOW yourself the opportunity to FEEL them. You never know what you might learn – about yourself.
That’s it. Off my soapbox now. 😁😉
Before you leave, though, please check out Sesame Care, which is an affordable and accessible direct-to-patient health care company. You don’t need health insurance, and you can schedule appointments in the comfort of your own home through telehealth!
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Thank you very much for coming back, my dear friends and readers. Next week, I am going to talk about PRIDE!!!! Gay that is. 😉 Stay tuned.
Photo attribution: Courtesy of Unsplash. Artists: Amin RK, Brock Wegner, Clay Banks, and Mubariz-Mehd Izadeh.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Greetings, everyone! I do hope you are all well! Welcome back!
I am going to start things off with a little endorsement. So, please bear with me.
Stressed? Can’t sleep? Need to calm down and simply relax? Then Five CBD may be the answer for you. Five CBD are gummies infused with THC, with a 5:1 ratio of CBD to other powerful hemp compounds. These gummies have several delicious flavors, too! Click on the banner below and check it out!
I’m back! Okay, that wasn’t so bad, now was it? 😁😉
Today, I am pondering whether or not it is possible to develop friendships on social media, particularly on Facebook.
I cannot believe that I am about to give social media its props, considering the number of bad things I can – and have said about it. But yes, I do believe it is possible.
And let’s face it, with everything going on right now in the news and the media, we could all use a friend wherever we can get one.
And with COVID still in place, it may even be safer to socialize – sometimes – online.
There are several people on Facebook, for example, that:
I have either gotten closer to after years of knowing them, though we were not close before.
Or friends and family who live at a distance.
To people that I have never even met, but yet we have formed a bond and a connection based on our communication on Facebook.
Sometimes it starts with a like or a love, or perhaps a message or funny video is sent via Messenger. Maybe it is the comments based on common ground, especially funny stuff. Or TV shows you have in common. Or music. After all, music makes the world go round. 😂
We bond over politics, music, TV shows, nutty and funny memes, and even serious issues. And it’s all good!
So, yes, you are forming bonds with people over shared goals and interests, which is excellent!
And as much I hate to admit it, I also became really good friends with people who are completely on the opposite side of the political spectrum than me!! GASP! 😮😮😮
Proof that really great music – hello, 70s and 80s – and amazing TV shows from the past, can bring people together, even if it is online.
And even people I went to high school with and even college, we’ve kept in touch on Facebook because of our shared love of music, TV, and the crazy memes I post!! If funny memes don’t connect people, then I don’t know what will. 😂😂😂
And I have been told that my posts give them life and make them laugh. GOOD!!!!
And as far as connecting it to mental health, I will speak for myself personally, the exchanges I have with my social media buddies actually make me LOL, and you know what they say – “laughter is the best medicine.”
And let’s face it, when you laugh you are giving your brain and mood a much needed boost.
In summation, I have formed some pretty close bonds with people online. And no, they are not unhealthy or toxic, but fun and free. We even correspond in some form or fashion daily, and I really love that.
Now, I know that for better mental health, it is probably good to take social media breaks every now and again. But when I do, I miss the interactions with my Facebook friends.
As a matter of fact, my Facebook friends have even told me that they miss me whenever I take a break from social media. And when they do likewise, I feel the same way. I miss them and their posts.
So, in my opinion, I think it is VERY possible to become closer with your peeps on social media!
And that’s a wrap for today, folks!
Before you leave, though, please check out Sesame Care, which is an affordable and accessible direct-to-patient health care company. You don’t need health insurance, and you can schedule appointments in the comfort of your own home through telehealth!
I can vouch for them, as I use them myself! 😊
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Thank you so much for joining me today in this brief post. I will see you all very soon. Please take care, and as always, be safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Before we get started, I want to talk about an affiliate program I have joined. So many Americans are not insured. It’s funny how we are forced to have car insurance to basically protect ourselves from others in the unfortunate event of an accident. However, when it comes to insuring ourselves, we are left to fend for ourselves, usually paying very high premiums and deductibles. This is where Sesame Care comes in.
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Now on with the show.
I am sitting back enjoying the Spring weather, and my little brain went to this topic about open relationships. To be honest, I have pondered this topic many times before.
But as I like to say, let’s take a deeper dive into the world of OPEN RELATIONSHIPS!!
Before I go any further, you will have to excuse me if I sound preachy or judgmental on the subject. It is not my intention. Believe me. I am simply giving my thoughts and opinions on the subject, and we all know what opinions are worth. At the end of the day, we will all do what we feel is right for us.
Also, please forgive me if my thoughts appear disorganized and rambly. I am doing this strictly in stream of consciousness style. 😊😉
“Essentially, we’re trying to find the perfect blend of intimacy, passion and commitment. To some people, the pros and cons of an open relationship are so balanced that they feel fulfilled in all three of those areas.”
Back in my gay day, there was no such thing as open relationships. Or rather we didn’t call it that. From what I recall, everyone I knew was trying to be in a monogamous relationship, myself included. I didn’t want to be with Tom, Dick, AND Harry. Or in my case Javier, Darrell, AND Israel at the same time. No, ma’am.
And of course, I’m exaggerating in terms of open relationships not being a thing, even back when I came out in 1989.
As a matter of fact, I want to say the first time I started hearing the term “open relationships,” particularly with regard to gay men, was in the late 90s/early 00s.
Though the terminology was new, well to me anyway, the concept has been around for a long, long time. I even remember back in the 70s, when I was a child, hearing about “swingers” and even seeing it on TV. One such program that tackled it rather humorously was the show Maude.
And the episode featured str8 people, of course.
I like the term “swingers” better than “open relationships,” by the way. The term “swingers” is so 70s, and if you know me, you know I love everything 70s. 😁😂
But no doubt someone along the way got offended by the term and wanted to change it. Le sigh.
And speaking of str8 people, in doing a little research, I learned that the idea of open relationships was first mentioned in a 1972 book entitled Open Marriage by George and Nena O’Neill.
Apparently, the O’Neills created a bit of a monster, because their intention was actually NOT to promote a sexual relationship necessarily outside of marriage, but rather that it was healthy to develop outside FRIENDSHIPS with other couples and/or individuals.
They did, however, discuss in one chapter in the book that open marriage COULD include SOME forms of sexuality with other couples.
However, people back then took that concept and really ran with it, and I believe this is where we get the idea of what is now known as an open relationship, whether gay, straight or bisexual.
So, back this up a bit, perhaps gay men got this concept from str8 people. I don’t know. That is surprising, though, since there are so many gay men who do not wish to emulate or copy anything str8 people do.
I personally don’t believe in open relationships. I have a saying:
If you can be committed to your job, your pet, going to the gym, your family, then you can certainly be committed to one person. Just my opinion.
Also, why not just remain single and play around?
I’m going to be bold to say that it all sounds like people are afraid to be alone.
There. I said it. PLEASE feel to agree or disagree in the comment section below. I truly want to start a dialogue on this.
And I am leaving out lesbians, because I honestly have never heard of any lesbians in open relationships, and that is not meant to be stereotypical. The lesbians I know who are in relationships, theirs are monogamous. But again, please enlighten me.
I can only speak from the gay male perspective since I am a gay male.
The Benefits of Being Open
To be fair, I am going to discuss what I believe to the pros of being open. Okay, so from what I am understanding one of the benefits IS actually sexual. If one person isn’t into sex that much or no longer wants to have sex with their partner, then the partner is free to be with other people.
It is possible to develop other interests and friendships outside of the relationship without jealousy or fear of losing the other person.
Some people say that it actually strengthens their relationship.
You can always return to home base safely without recrimination or fear of the other person walking away or leaving you. In other words, you will always have someone to go home to. So, you are never alone.
You have more of a variety to choose from. So, you’re not looking at the same face and body night after night after night. What is it they say that variety is the spice of life?
Perhaps it enhances your existing relationship and makes it more exciting.
The needs that your primary partner can’t give you may be fulfilled in someone else, and your primary partner is understanding about that.
No need to lie about what you’re doing. The partner already knows. So, it’s not like you’re cheating.
Let’s be honest, it’s really about sex. I know there are those who will argue with me on that. But you get to play out your fantasies, and you also get to have ALL of your sexual needs met, especially if your partner is unable to perform or doesn’t want to perform anymore, i.e. has lost interest, isn’t interested sexually in the things you are, and God forbid your partner is sick.
Monogamy? Ye or Nay?
I am finding more and more gay men who prefer open relationships. Some feel that it is close to impossible for men to be monogamous. And that monogamy is not a realistic goal.
I don’t think it is impossible to be monogamous or that it is unrealistic. As I stated earlier, if you can commit to your job, your pet, your workout routine, then you can commit to one person. But no judgments here. To each his own.
Other gay men say that it helps their relationship, and it even improves it.
So, I am going to try and be objective, though I am team monogamy.
But what if in an open relationship, emotions get involved and things become rather sticky and unpleasant when a third or more people are brought in?
I know of a gay couple who brought in a third person, and it ruined and, eventually, ended their relationship. One of them actually attempted to have a romantic relationship with the third-party person, and that eventually ended, too!
So, I just wouldn’t enter into an open or even a polyamorous or polygamous relationship unless I was fully prepared mentally and emotionally to do so.
Before I would ever enter into such a relationship, I would certainly lay down some ground rules and have certain boundaries. And some gay men in open relationships do set the “rules.”
If it were me, I would only “play” TOGETHER, and there are those open-minded couples who will only do that. They never go out on their own.
Secondly, I would insist on not sharing finances or even living space. Sorry, but no thanks. Because if we are open, I don’t see how we are in a relationship.
And most definitely, I would keep emotions and feelings out of it, including the relationship itself, but of course especially where the third-party people are concerned. I think in an open relationship, once someone falls for an outside person, then the game is over.
And also from what I understand, there are a lot, and I do mean a LOT, of sexless relationships out there, which is something else I don’t understand. Say one partner is just not interested in sex anymore at all, then they allow their person to go out and have their fun. But is that fair to you? Because, again, jealousy could come into play, no pun intended. And as much as people like to say they are not jealous, I really don’t believe them.
Come on, we’re human!
For me personally, I prefer to say that I am “open with myself.” That means, I am not interested in a romantic or emotional relationship with anyone at all. I wish to date around, which to me is a throwback to what I consider a 60s/70s attitude. There were PLENTY of people who were not committed to any one person. They “played the field,” which even as a child I thought was a good idea.
Why limit yourself? And why tie yourself down to one person?
Sounds to me like a case of wanting your cake and being able to eat it, too. And I know. I know. It’s cake. So, why not eat it?
Potential Risks
I think you’re taking some pretty big chances being in an open relationship. Hello! DISEASE!
I can hear the boos now.
No offense to anyone, but think of the risks you are taking, and I am thinking unwanted STIs and of course, once again, the emotional aspect of it.
Of course, there are prevention methods, such as condoms (which a lot of gay men prefer NOT to use. Can we say bareback? No thanks!) and now PrEP or Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, which is a medication designed to prevent the contraction and exposure to HIV.
So, when opening the relationship, just what are you opening it up to?
Only you can decide.
That is it for now. But I am already thinking there needs to be a part 2, since this is such a huge and very broad subject!
Again, these are MY OPINIONS! I apologize if any of you reading this feel that I am denigrating you. That is not my intention.
But you know there are open relationship-minded people who VEHEMENTLY condemn monogamy. So, then there’s that.
I do not think any less of anyone who makes the choices they make in their own life.
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Until next time, please be safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello, all of my dear friends! I do hope your Spring is coming along well!
As the title says, I would like to discuss why we allow other people’s rude and bad behaviour to continue.
I think part of the reason why we allow it to go on could be due to several reasons:
Fear. We are afraid of starting an argument or even worse – the confrontation leading to violence.
We don’t believe the offender will ever change – and perhaps you are correct in that assertion.
We are told and conditioned “that that is the way they are,” which goes along with perhaps they will not change.
Not wanting to make waves and hold these people accountable, which goes back to the fear of speaking up.
And possibly a whole host of other reasons why.
Regardless of the reasons, never, EVER blame yourself and think it is something you did or said or even didn’t do or say!!!
Before we go any further, I am going to include this very helpful video about not making excuses for other people’s rude and/or bad behaviour. Please click below!
And what is the old saying – “you are only teaching someone how to treat you.”
Oh and for the record, rudeness doesn’t have to be something that is tempered with anger or meanness. It can even be the quiet and little, subtle jabs that can sting just as badly and linger the longest.
Which brings me to insightful video number 2, about the sneaky ways people can disrespect you. Please watch!
Now, I have written a great deal of posts about people – my darling little Earth Things – for quite some time now. I suppose I’m doing it to try and understand their behaviour. Because as someone once said to me, “human beings are messy.” And that is certainly an understatement. Messy and complicated and just downright meh.
And of course, we have all run into people who are just downright rude and toxic, whether they are strangers or friends or even members in your own family.
And that is exactly where I’ll tell my own personal story – about my own family.
I am not going to say who it is, for once, but I will say that it is a rather close family member, whom I shall call Ted. Ted is rather disagreeable and can be downright mean. I have witnessed this behaviour all my life; however, it seems Ted has gotten worse.
And Ted has directed this negative energy in my direction more times than I can either count or remember.
Ted is also a full-blown – say it with me folks: NARCISSIST!!
Other family members who live with this demon have tried in the past to set boundaries and limits, with SOME success. However, Ted continues to cross those boundaries and say and even commit such heinous atrocities.
The only person who can truly keep Ted in check, as they say, is a person whom shall be referred to as Marion. Marion sets the law down with Ted, and Ted actually backs down.
As stated above, I have engaged in heated battles with Ted in the past, but it, of course, has done no good. I was told by other family members, on more than one occasion, to just not say anything where Ted is concerned. And I have learned to do just that. Keep my mouth shut. But is that doing any good? I mean, sure it keeps the peace. But is that good for everyone else’s mental health in the long run?
I can tell you that the other family members who live with Ted go on trips WITHOUT him, which I don’t blame them. They now only travel together when necessary and for family emergencies and special occasions.
I don’t even want to be around this person, because they are so toxic.
When it comes to phone calls, I just don’t call. I will call other members of the family, but not him. In the past, the phone calls would just erupt into fierce arguments.
And speaking of rudeness and toxicity, I am reminded of a post I did a couple of weeks back pertaining to rude coworkers. Please click on the link below for that post:
There should absolutely be no fear in dealing with these individuals. And I know a great many of you keep silent, myself included. But again, I ask the question is that doing anyone any good? Is that good for our overall mental health?
And as several of my posts this year, and in the past, have been stating, it is okay to steer clear of these individuals. Detach from them, my favorite new word to use in situations like what I am describing.
This isn’t a “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” sort of thing. But quite the opposite. “If you can’t beat ’em, delete ’em!!”
It may be easier said than done, particularly when it comes to family. But I am a firm believer in protecting your mental wellbeing at all costs, even if that means excluding certain family members.
And remember, if you feel that you cannot cope with toxic people and their extremely rude and impertinent behaviour, be it family or friends, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Now, if online therapy isn’t for you and the cost is too high, then a much simpler route is trying CBD/THC-infused gummies. Please click on the banner below for Five CBD+.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello! Hello! My dear friends! Welcome back to another round of what goes through Derek’s head! 😂😂😂
Stop assuming friendship with people, because they don’t care. And, therefore, why should you?
Having friends is wonderful, especially those you can count on. However, there are some people who don’t value friendship or it just doesn’t mean the same to them as it does to you.
And, in my opinion, it is time to back away – detach as I discussed in a previous post. And if necessary, cut them loose altogether.
I know, I get it. As we grow older, our needs change. Our priorities change. We get “busier” or that is at least what we tell ourselves and others. We just don’t have the same time as we did when we were younger or our friendship circle changes.
However, when you have been friends with the same group of people for years and suddenly they don’t seem to have time for you when they are not that busy. Or you are not getting the phone calls – sorry – the text messages, you used to, time to ask what’s up?
And I also get that people just simply grow apart for whatever reason, because of time or distance or what have you.
I have also had friends who thought they could walk all over me, because they assumed friendship. And I stupidly allowed them to do it in the name of said, so-called friendship.
Try that shit now, and I can promise you you’ll get your feet cut off. 😂😂😂
But I digress. I am going to tell another one of my boring tales to give you an example of when I assumed friendship when I shouldn’t have. And believe me I have more than one story.
This tale is about — well, let’s just call the bitch — Mother Devereaux. Several of you arleady know the story. So I will, for once, try and make it brief. 😉
I moved in with Mother Devereaux back in the summer of 2019, and I thought it was going to be a wonderful experience. I thought and ASSUMED this person would be the perfect roommate, because of their easy-going demeanor. We had known each other for over 20 years.
Oh this is actually a gay man, by the way, but I like to call him Mother Devereaux because of Golden Girls. I won’t explain further, as you can Google it. 😉
Well, things got rocky during Christmas of 2019. You see, I went to see my parents and brother in D.C. that Christmas. And at that time, the movie The Irishman, starring my main man Robert De Niro, had just come out on Netflix. And I figured that holiday would be a perfect time to watch it since I would have plenty of free time.
So, I went to D.C. armed with Mother Devereaux’s Netflix password so I could watch Mr. De Niro. Now, mind you, she GAVE it to me upon moving in. And she never told me that I couldn’t use it elsewhere. Plus I was paying for half of the bill.
So, on Christmas Day, I settled down to watch, when I suddenly got a text from Mother Devereaux, asking if I had used his password to log into Netflix. I texted back saying, ‘why yes I did. I’m about to watch The Irishman.’ I thought nothing of it, because I ASSUMED that he was checking to make sure. However, it went downhill from there.
He texted back asking didn’t my parents have a Netflix account, and I responded with no. That is when he told me that he didn’t want me using his password unless it was in the apartment. And I texted back saying that I didn’t think it was a big deal, because when he gave me the password, I ASSUMED I could use it anywhere. He hadn’t made any stipulations.
And he texted back saying something along the lines of he didn’t want his information stolen since he had already been through identity theft twice, which I knew about. And that it was a no-no for me to use his password info anywhere else.
I was beginning to simmer at this point, though. I texted him telling him that I was going to make sure that before I left to return to Atlanta, that I would erase his password and login info out of the Netflix account at my parents’ house. However, he still didn’t want me to use it. Okay, and so this is when I got mad.
On Christmas Day 2019, I called Mother Devereaux, who was actually at work, and cussed her out.
I told her that my family are not thieves and that NOBODY in my family was about to steal anybody’s password or identity. And that I ASSUMED that after knowing each other for over 20 years, that you would know and trust me better than that.
Besides, as I stated above he hadn’t told me that I couldn’t use the damn password wherever, and I could log in anywhere I wanted to. If I was going to dole out my password and login info to my roommate (and I now have another one), I would have a stipulation that you can only use it in the apartment. Duh!!!
Needless to say, after I finished letting her have it, I hung up the phone. I ended up watching my movie. And when it was time to return to DumbLanta, I erased all of the info out of Netflix so , heaven forbid, my mother or father or brother would decide to STEAL someone’s identity!!!!!! I mean, after all I am related to a den of thieves. Rolling my eyes fiercely!
So, upon my return to this wasteland called Atlanta, I got my own Netflix account and other streaming services, which is what I should have done in the beginning. I know. I know. Lesson learned.
I stopped paying for his bullshit, including Netflix and Disney and a few other things, too. I was just going to pay my half of the utilities and the rent, obviously, and that was it.
And when you fuck with my Christmas, you fuck with me, and THAT is a no no!!! Bitch. Just ask another former roommate.
But anyway, my point is I ASSUMED friendship. And I realize what a mistake I made. You should always ASK and not ASSUME.
Because how many times – HOW MANY TIMES – have FORMER friends ASSUMED friendship with me and did things or told me things without ASKING??? So, I am putting the “blame” about the above situation on myself, as well.
Friendships can be a trip and a half without the Louis Vuitton luggage. However, if you feel that you cannot cope in dealing with said friendships, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Well, that is it for today. I could go on and on AND on, on the subject of friendship. But we would be here all year.
At any rate, thank you for reading, and please join me the next time. In the meantime, please be safe and, as always, mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Photo attribution: Many thanks to Kitti Incendi-Haj, Rostyslav Savchyn, and Serhii Tyaglovsky.
This week’s topic is one, I am very sure, all of you have dealt with at some point in your working lives. Perhaps you are currently dealing with it.
On the job, there is always that one person (or persons) who think they know it all. Or who bring the party down with negative comments. They think they’re being funny, but they are mean and sarcastic.
Or that one person (or persons) who is “intimidating.” Or unapproachable or just plain rude.
Well, it is time to discuss these horrid people and figure out how to deal with them effectively.
I have been working steadily since 1985, after I graduated low school. I started out working, what was referred to as, work-study jobs when I was in college, and overall it was a very pleasant and groovy experience for me. The people I worked for and with, were super nice.
However, when I started my first “real” part-time job off campus in 1989 at A Southern Season, it quickly became a different story.
There was one particular character who ALWAYS had some smart-ass comment to make, and normally it was directed towards me. And it turns out, he was a gay man!! Well, that explains a lot right there.
And believe me, it didn’t stop with him on other jobs.
I encountered characters, over the years, who were just downright mean.
I won’t name names or corporations (well, I guess I did above – ha!). Just give some very basics. SO, GET READY!!!
And perhaps you have encountered some of these same types.
The Religious Bitch
Picture it. Durham, N.C. A tiny paper and products store, an offshoot of a much bigger conglomeration.
She was tall, thin and bony and very mouthy when it came to proclaiming her Christianity. Everything was of the Devil, including and especially Halloween. One day, she even accused the Devil of stealing her keys. 😂🤣
She once said to me that if she had anything to say to me, she’d say it to my face. And she said it very rudely. Gee, how Christian of her. (Rolling my eyes.) This was my boss.
Teaching SUCKS!!!
My principal was a nightmare. The kids were a nightmare. Enough said.
The principal HATED me for some reason. He even once tried to fight me. Literally.
He was VERY unapproachable, to say the least.
Administrative Assistant Really Means Admini Ass
Although she wasn’t my overall boss, she was in charge of our department, and we were administrative assistants. Essentially, we were gophers and the pee-ons for everyone else in the company, particularly the sales department.
She was a miserable person who, at that time, was living SEXUALLY with her first cousin. Yep. You heard me right.
She was horrible, as she was always correcting me and the other girl who worked in the department, and over trivial stuff.
So, Screaming and Shouting Gets You What You Want on the Job!
Ah yes, the military company I worked for. One of my coworkers was living with a woman who already had four children by four different men. I. Kid. You. Not. While employed there, he ended up getting her pregnant, too. Big surprise there.
But he was a very disturbed individual with a LOT of mental issues. It was not unusual for him to scream at our boss, who was also quite the toxic individual himself. Our boss was an idiot who relied heavily upon his employees, as he didn’t know what the KCUF he was doing.
Yet he considered himself an “entrepreneur” and had a lot of money. Entre-manure is more like it.
Anyway, this other person screamed at me, and of course I screamed back. 😂😁😁😁😂🤣
Which by the way, if the leadership is weak, then 9 will get you 10, the rest of the company is, too. Please see the next example.
Which brings me to the LAST (and hopefully last) toxic job of my life. Because I absolutely WILL NOT return to the hot mess I have described above.
I used to work for a place that was designed for fun, yet it was anything but.
There was one character who was just plain AWFUL to everyone. This lady had been there longer than anyone at that point and, therefore, she thought she was deserving of all the respect in the world. She felt that she was royalty, THE Queen Bee. And that everything should go her way or else the highway, and the rest of us should just bow down. And when it didn’t and we didn’t, she would complain to our boss (who by the way was very weak and ineffectual, as I described above). This woman would say VERY mean, condescending and unprofessional things in front of everyone.
She was the epitome of a bully.
I had a couple of run-ins with this person, myself, and it was brutal. I remember one time, in front of everyone, including our boss, I shut this person up quickly and told them “you can sit there and roll your eyes at me all you want to, I don’t care.”
All in all, this person who was also the oldest employee in our little group, acted the most childishly. She had to have her way at EVERY turn.
However, I hear that TPTB eventually fired this person. LOLOLOL
And a lot of people finally had had enough and left.
Oh. And don’t get me started on the people who tried to tell me that I didn’t want to be there. Well, first of all, neither did you.
Secondly, it’s none of your business.
And third and finally, when you are in a toxic environment, HELL NO you don’t want to be there! Why would you?? Your bad and negative energy is affecting me and others. Because I am here to tell you, that when you are on a job that respects you and wants you there and listens to you, you bring your very best.
I am happily in such an environment, where YOU are valued. And the higher ups WANT you there, and the leadership is VERY strong. And everyone is actually NICE!!! And it isn’t gossipy.
However, when you are in a despicable and even hostile work environment, where people are miserable and try to foist that misery upon you, and then blame you, you don’t care. No, you don’t want to be there. Tell me I’m wrong?
From the above scenarios, I hope you got the message.
And overall, you do NOT have to put up with this type of behavior. Ever.
On my current job, fortunately we don’t have these types of personalities. There are a couple of people who try to be bossy sometimes, but only a couple. However, the situation has been addressed, and the offenders have been dealt with.
So, if you’ve got a strong support network at work, utilize it. Let someone know. Complain. Hell, it is better than putting up with it. You don’t have to suffer in silence.
If you have a strong HR department, go to them!
Now, speaking of one of the current coworkers who received a little lecture, this brings me to another point that another coworker brought to my attention.
It was explained that this person “is just that way.” Well, the former coworker I was discussing at the so-called fun place, well that was the explanation for their behaviour, too. “That is just how they are.” And other employees who were, I am quite sure afraid of this person, enabled them. Big time.
Okay. So, I cry fowl (and bullshit) over the “that may be how you are in your own personal life,” but you don’t have to be an asshole on the job. There. I said it.
So, the current coworker and friend asked “why does everyone else have to cater to and bow down to someone else because that is the way they are?”
Good question. And I say, you don’t.
I would suggest calmly telling the offender, “I would like to talk to you for a minute.” Or “may I have a minute of your time? There is something I wish to discuss with you.” And then in the most gentle way possible, without anger (because I used to be dripping in anger like a poisoned dart – 😂😂), tell the person the problem. I actually just did this with one of my bosses!
Please check out this very insightful video on how to effectively deal with workplace bullies and nasty coworkers. There are actually TONS of videos like this on YouTube. Click on the link below:
Don’t put up with workplace bullies. It isn’t your fault that they don’t have a life and you do, because normally that’s where the problem is. They don’t have any real power in their personal lives, so they feel they can take it out on you in the workplace and on the job.
As I bring this post to a close, remember that we are not on our jobs to be belittled, aggravated, bossed around, pushed around, talked down to, walked all over or bullied. Hell no!! Advocate for yourself!! We are there to do a job. And it is understandable that everyone has a bad day every now and then. But don’t take it out on someone else.
Oh and sexual harassment of ANY kind, is NEVER to be tolerated whatsoever!!!!
As the above video states, in the end, you cannot change another person, which is also extremely important to remember.
A point to consider is that if you cannot cope with that annoying, toxic coworker and you need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Thank you once again for reading. I greatly appreciate the support. I really, really do. Please keep reading! And until the next time, please be safe and mentally well!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs, videos, or photos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
