Categories
mental health and well-being

Why Are People So Afraid of Their Feelings?

Welcome back, my dear friends! I hope everyone is doing well and everything is going according to your plan!

“Feelings!!! Nothing more than FEELINGS!”

I am pretty sure many of you have heard the song, sung and covered by NUMEROUS artists. However, it first became famous because of Morris Albert back in 1975. (Though there is the controversy that he stole it from LouLou Gasté and was subsequently sued!!) But check it out anyway: 😂

The reason I am bringing this up is because for most of my life, I have been told that my feelings and emotions are bad. Rather, the negative ones are bad – such as anger, sadness, and yes, bitterness and hate.

But why are people so afraid of feelings and emotions, even their own?

We are given all sorts of mixed and rather toxic messages about our feelings and emotions, starting even in childhood.

As a child, when I was spanked, and started to cry, I was told “stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” Um well, you are inflicting physical pain upon me that hurts. So, yes, I am going to CRY!!! PLUS you are ALREADY giving me something to cry about in the first place!!! DAMN! Make up your mind!

Little boys are often told “don’t cry. Crying is for sissies.” Another horrible, toxic message given to boys and men.

Even young girls are being told to “toughen up. It’s a man’s world. So, you gotta show how strong you are. Show no weakness. Be and act like a MAN!!”

And then you get older, and you are told to not show your anger. “Don’t let things bother you. Don’t get mad. Are you mad? Why are you mad?” It’s ridiculous.

And don’t get me started on the whole hate thing. Okay, so definitely hating people, especially specific groups of people who are different than you, is NOT a good thing. However, if someone does something to you that is horrible, it is normal to hate what they did and even hate that person. You are allowed to feel that way. These are YOUR feelings! And there is nothing wrong with that!

I would say don’t get stuck in that feeling, though. But it is okay to feel how you want to feel. Just figure out a way to work through it.

As adults, we are constantly told “to be strong.” “Never let them see you sweat.” Blah, blah, blah. But I’m really wondering why these stupid things are said? Is it to better help the person feeling this way to cope or “feel” better?

OR is it because it makes others FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE??????????

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Okay. Endorsement over. 😉😊❤️

Yep. Methinks that is what is mostly behind why people are against “certain” things, emotions, and yes, even people. THEY don’t want to feel uncomfortable.

It’s like people would rather see a train wreck (or car accident on the highway), rubbernecking and breaking their neck to see what happened – than to deal with someone who is expressing a “negative” feeling or emotion.

How many times have I been told – no LABELED – that I’m angry. I’m bitter. I’m letting something bother me. I’m complaining. ????

Honestly, this is how I tell a story! LOLOL I am very animated and dramatic (another of my labels). I feel like a fiery Italian (no offense at all to Italians!) telling a story, but others see it as bitterness, which is stupid. I don’t know how to tell a story without putting some PASSION behind it. I think it’s funny, but people take it TOOOOOOO seriously! Damn!

There are people, I know, who express themselves in the same way. As a matter of fact, they go even further than I do. BUT their friends and loved ones applaud them for “telling it like it is.” Me? What do I get? You’re angry. Okay. Thanks, a lot. Bitch. 😂😂😂

And don’t even be really enthusiastic or happy about something either, because people think you’re crazy, high or on something!

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I know there are those of you who have been dismissed and, perhaps, STILL being dismissed or rather gaslit into believing that what you feel is not valid or correct or just in YOUR mind and not true or real. I say how you feel is how you feel. Doesn’t make you wrong or bad. It simply means you’re HUMAN.

And going back to the original question – why are people afraid of their own feelings?

I think it’s because they are afraid of showing any kind of weakness or deficit. Because if they show that, then they open themselves up to potential criticism, shame or ridicule.

And as a result, we have been conditioned to walk around like zombies, i.e. that we don’t let anything bother us. And to an extent, I can agree with that. But certainly not to the detriment of your mental health.

We don’t want to cry when we feel like crying. We don’t want to vent when we’re angry. We don’t want to say how we really feel. Why? Because we ALWAYS want to appear as though we ALWAYS have it together. And also, because we don’t want to come across as vulnerable. But guess what? We are.

I think experiencing negative feelings is a good thing. Maybe it means something in your life needs to change, including yourself.

I have learned that when there is something or someone bothering me, perhaps it is time to move on. Change something, even if that something is me.

Feelings are NOT bad!! Sure, hanging onto certain feelings isn’t a good thing. However, allow yourself to feel that emotion, and then deal with it and yes, move forward and upward. (If you have read other blog posts of mine, you know I HATE the phrase “get over it!!!!)

I am not suggesting you wallow in your feelings or get lost in them or stay in them. What I am saying is ALLOW yourself the opportunity to FEEL them. You never know what you might learn – about yourself.

That’s it. Off my soapbox now. 😁😉

Before you leave, though, please check out Sesame Care, which is an affordable and accessible direct-to-patient health care company. You don’t need health insurance, and you can schedule appointments in the comfort of your own home through telehealth!

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Thank you very much for coming back, my dear friends and readers. Next week, I am going to talk about PRIDE!!!! Gay that is. 😉 Stay tuned.

Photo attribution: Courtesy of Unsplash. Artists: Amin RK, Brock Wegner, Clay Banks, and Mubariz-Mehd Izadeh.

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

Is it Possible to Develop Friendships on Social Media?

Greetings, everyone! I do hope you are all well! Welcome back!

I am going to start things off with a little endorsement. So, please bear with me.

Stressed?  Can’t sleep?  Need to calm down and simply relax?  Then Five CBD may be the answer for you.  Five CBD are gummies infused with THC, with a 5:1 ratio of CBD to other powerful hemp compounds.  These gummies have several delicious flavors, too!  Click on the banner below and check it out! 

I’m back! Okay, that wasn’t so bad, now was it? 😁😉

Today, I am pondering whether or not it is possible to develop friendships on social media, particularly on Facebook.

I cannot believe that I am about to give social media its props, considering the number of bad things I can – and have said about it. But yes, I do believe it is possible.

And let’s face it, with everything going on right now in the news and the media, we could all use a friend wherever we can get one.

And with COVID still in place, it may even be safer to socialize – sometimes – online.

There are several people on Facebook, for example, that:

  • I have either gotten closer to after years of knowing them, though we were not close before.
  • Or friends and family who live at a distance.
  • To people that I have never even met, but yet we have formed a bond and a connection based on our communication on Facebook.

Sometimes it starts with a like or a love, or perhaps a message or funny video is sent via Messenger. Maybe it is the comments based on common ground, especially funny stuff. Or TV shows you have in common. Or music. After all, music makes the world go round. 😂

We bond over politics, music, TV shows, nutty and funny memes, and even serious issues. And it’s all good!

So, yes, you are forming bonds with people over shared goals and interests, which is excellent!

And as much I hate to admit it, I also became really good friends with people who are completely on the opposite side of the political spectrum than me!! GASP! 😮😮😮

Proof that really great music – hello, 70s and 80s – and amazing TV shows from the past, can bring people together, even if it is online.

And even people I went to high school with and even college, we’ve kept in touch on Facebook because of our shared love of music, TV, and the crazy memes I post!! If funny memes don’t connect people, then I don’t know what will. 😂😂😂

And I have been told that my posts give them life and make them laugh. GOOD!!!!

And as far as connecting it to mental health, I will speak for myself personally, the exchanges I have with my social media buddies actually make me LOL, and you know what they say – “laughter is the best medicine.”

And let’s face it, when you laugh you are giving your brain and mood a much needed boost.

In summation, I have formed some pretty close bonds with people online. And no, they are not unhealthy or toxic, but fun and free. We even correspond in some form or fashion daily, and I really love that.

Now, I know that for better mental health, it is probably good to take social media breaks every now and again. But when I do, I miss the interactions with my Facebook friends.


As a matter of fact, my Facebook friends have even told me that they miss me whenever I take a break from social media. And when they do likewise, I feel the same way. I miss them and their posts.

So, in my opinion, I think it is VERY possible to become closer with your peeps on social media!

And that’s a wrap for today, folks!

Before you leave, though, please check out Sesame Care, which is an affordable and accessible direct-to-patient health care company. You don’t need health insurance, and you can schedule appointments in the comfort of your own home through telehealth!

I can vouch for them, as I use them myself! 😊

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Thank you so much for joining me today in this brief post. I will see you all very soon. Please take care, and as always, be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

To Be Open or Not To Be, That is the Question

Hello, my dear friends and readers. How goes it?

Before we get started, I want to talk about an affiliate program I have joined. So many Americans are not insured. It’s funny how we are forced to have car insurance to basically protect ourselves from others in the unfortunate event of an accident. However, when it comes to insuring ourselves, we are left to fend for ourselves, usually paying very high premiums and deductibles. This is where Sesame Care comes in.

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Now on with the show.

I am sitting back enjoying the Spring weather, and my little brain went to this topic about open relationships. To be honest, I have pondered this topic many times before.

But as I like to say, let’s take a deeper dive into the world of OPEN RELATIONSHIPS!!

Before I go any further, you will have to excuse me if I sound preachy or judgmental on the subject. It is not my intention. Believe me. I am simply giving my thoughts and opinions on the subject, and we all know what opinions are worth. At the end of the day, we will all do what we feel is right for us.

Also, please forgive me if my thoughts appear disorganized and rambly. I am doing this strictly in stream of consciousness style. 😊😉

“Essentially, we’re trying to find the perfect blend of intimacy, passion and commitment. To some people, the pros and cons of an open relationship are so balanced that they feel fulfilled in all three of those areas.”

Back in my gay day, there was no such thing as open relationships. Or rather we didn’t call it that. From what I recall, everyone I knew was trying to be in a monogamous relationship, myself included. I didn’t want to be with Tom, Dick, AND Harry. Or in my case Javier, Darrell, AND Israel at the same time. No, ma’am.

And of course, I’m exaggerating in terms of open relationships not being a thing, even back when I came out in 1989.

As a matter of fact, I want to say the first time I started hearing the term “open relationships,” particularly with regard to gay men, was in the late 90s/early 00s.

Though the terminology was new, well to me anyway, the concept has been around for a long, long time. I even remember back in the 70s, when I was a child, hearing about “swingers” and even seeing it on TV. One such program that tackled it rather humorously was the show Maude.

And the episode featured str8 people, of course.

I like the term “swingers” better than “open relationships,” by the way. The term “swingers” is so 70s, and if you know me, you know I love everything 70s. 😁😂

But no doubt someone along the way got offended by the term and wanted to change it. Le sigh.

And speaking of str8 people, in doing a little research, I learned that the idea of open relationships was first mentioned in a 1972 book entitled Open Marriage by George and Nena O’Neill.

Apparently, the O’Neills created a bit of a monster, because their intention was actually NOT to promote a sexual relationship necessarily outside of marriage, but rather that it was healthy to develop outside FRIENDSHIPS with other couples and/or individuals.

They did, however, discuss in one chapter in the book that open marriage COULD include SOME forms of sexuality with other couples.

However, people back then took that concept and really ran with it, and I believe this is where we get the idea of what is now known as an open relationship, whether gay, straight or bisexual.

So, back this up a bit, perhaps gay men got this concept from str8 people. I don’t know. That is surprising, though, since there are so many gay men who do not wish to emulate or copy anything str8 people do.

I personally don’t believe in open relationships. I have a saying:

If you can be committed to your job, your pet, going to the gym, your family, then you can certainly be committed to one person. Just my opinion.

Also, why not just remain single and play around?

I’m going to be bold to say that it all sounds like people are afraid to be alone.

There. I said it. PLEASE feel to agree or disagree in the comment section below. I truly want to start a dialogue on this.

And I am leaving out lesbians, because I honestly have never heard of any lesbians in open relationships, and that is not meant to be stereotypical. The lesbians I know who are in relationships, theirs are monogamous. But again, please enlighten me.

I can only speak from the gay male perspective since I am a gay male.

The Benefits of Being Open

To be fair, I am going to discuss what I believe to the pros of being open. Okay, so from what I am understanding one of the benefits IS actually sexual. If one person isn’t into sex that much or no longer wants to have sex with their partner, then the partner is free to be with other people.

It is possible to develop other interests and friendships outside of the relationship without jealousy or fear of losing the other person.

Some people say that it actually strengthens their relationship.

You can always return to home base safely without recrimination or fear of the other person walking away or leaving you. In other words, you will always have someone to go home to. So, you are never alone.

You have more of a variety to choose from. So, you’re not looking at the same face and body night after night after night. What is it they say that variety is the spice of life?

Perhaps it enhances your existing relationship and makes it more exciting.

The needs that your primary partner can’t give you may be fulfilled in someone else, and your primary partner is understanding about that.

No need to lie about what you’re doing. The partner already knows. So, it’s not like you’re cheating.

Let’s be honest, it’s really about sex. I know there are those who will argue with me on that. But you get to play out your fantasies, and you also get to have ALL of your sexual needs met, especially if your partner is unable to perform or doesn’t want to perform anymore, i.e. has lost interest, isn’t interested sexually in the things you are, and God forbid your partner is sick.

Monogamy? Ye or Nay?

I am finding more and more gay men who prefer open relationships. Some feel that it is close to impossible for men to be monogamous. And that monogamy is not a realistic goal.

I don’t think it is impossible to be monogamous or that it is unrealistic. As I stated earlier, if you can commit to your job, your pet, your workout routine, then you can commit to one person. But no judgments here. To each his own.

Other gay men say that it helps their relationship, and it even improves it.

So, I am going to try and be objective, though I am team monogamy.

But what if in an open relationship, emotions get involved and things become rather sticky and unpleasant when a third or more people are brought in?

I know of a gay couple who brought in a third person, and it ruined and, eventually, ended their relationship. One of them actually attempted to have a romantic relationship with the third-party person, and that eventually ended, too!

So, I just wouldn’t enter into an open or even a polyamorous or polygamous relationship unless I was fully prepared mentally and emotionally to do so.

Before I would ever enter into such a relationship, I would certainly lay down some ground rules and have certain boundaries. And some gay men in open relationships do set the “rules.”

If it were me, I would only “play” TOGETHER, and there are those open-minded couples who will only do that. They never go out on their own.

Secondly, I would insist on not sharing finances or even living space. Sorry, but no thanks. Because if we are open, I don’t see how we are in a relationship.

And most definitely, I would keep emotions and feelings out of it, including the relationship itself, but of course especially where the third-party people are concerned. I think in an open relationship, once someone falls for an outside person, then the game is over.

And also from what I understand, there are a lot, and I do mean a LOT, of sexless relationships out there, which is something else I don’t understand. Say one partner is just not interested in sex anymore at all, then they allow their person to go out and have their fun. But is that fair to you? Because, again, jealousy could come into play, no pun intended. And as much as people like to say they are not jealous, I really don’t believe them.

Come on, we’re human!

For me personally, I prefer to say that I am “open with myself.” That means, I am not interested in a romantic or emotional relationship with anyone at all. I wish to date around, which to me is a throwback to what I consider a 60s/70s attitude. There were PLENTY of people who were not committed to any one person. They “played the field,” which even as a child I thought was a good idea.

Why limit yourself? And why tie yourself down to one person?

Sounds to me like a case of wanting your cake and being able to eat it, too. And I know. I know. It’s cake. So, why not eat it?

Potential Risks

I think you’re taking some pretty big chances being in an open relationship. Hello! DISEASE!

I can hear the boos now.

No offense to anyone, but think of the risks you are taking, and I am thinking unwanted STIs and of course, once again, the emotional aspect of it.

Of course, there are prevention methods, such as condoms (which a lot of gay men prefer NOT to use. Can we say bareback? No thanks!) and now PrEP or Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, which is a medication designed to prevent the contraction and exposure to HIV.

So, when opening the relationship, just what are you opening it up to?

Only you can decide.

That is it for now. But I am already thinking there needs to be a part 2, since this is such a huge and very broad subject!

Again, these are MY OPINIONS! I apologize if any of you reading this feel that I am denigrating you. That is not my intention.

But you know there are open relationship-minded people who VEHEMENTLY condemn monogamy. So, then there’s that.

I do not think any less of anyone who makes the choices they make in their own life.

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Until next time, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

Why Do We Make Excuses for People’s Rude Behaviour?

Hello, all of my dear friends! I do hope your Spring is coming along well!

As the title says, I would like to discuss why we allow other people’s rude and bad behaviour to continue.

I think part of the reason why we allow it to go on could be due to several reasons:

  1. Fear. We are afraid of starting an argument or even worse – the confrontation leading to violence.
  2. We don’t believe the offender will ever change – and perhaps you are correct in that assertion.
  3. We are told and conditioned “that that is the way they are,” which goes along with perhaps they will not change.
  4. Not wanting to make waves and hold these people accountable, which goes back to the fear of speaking up.

And possibly a whole host of other reasons why.

Regardless of the reasons, never, EVER blame yourself and think it is something you did or said or even didn’t do or say!!!

Before we go any further, I am going to include this very helpful video about not making excuses for other people’s rude and/or bad behaviour. Please click below!

And what is the old saying – “you are only teaching someone how to treat you.”

Oh and for the record, rudeness doesn’t have to be something that is tempered with anger or meanness. It can even be the quiet and little, subtle jabs that can sting just as badly and linger the longest.

Which brings me to insightful video number 2, about the sneaky ways people can disrespect you. Please watch!

Now, I have written a great deal of posts about people – my darling little Earth Things – for quite some time now. I suppose I’m doing it to try and understand their behaviour. Because as someone once said to me, “human beings are messy.” And that is certainly an understatement. Messy and complicated and just downright meh.

And of course, we have all run into people who are just downright rude and toxic, whether they are strangers or friends or even members in your own family.

And that is exactly where I’ll tell my own personal story – about my own family.

I am not going to say who it is, for once, but I will say that it is a rather close family member, whom I shall call Ted. Ted is rather disagreeable and can be downright mean. I have witnessed this behaviour all my life; however, it seems Ted has gotten worse.

And Ted has directed this negative energy in my direction more times than I can either count or remember.

Ted is also a full-blown – say it with me folks: NARCISSIST!!

Other family members who live with this demon have tried in the past to set boundaries and limits, with SOME success. However, Ted continues to cross those boundaries and say and even commit such heinous atrocities.

The only person who can truly keep Ted in check, as they say, is a person whom shall be referred to as Marion. Marion sets the law down with Ted, and Ted actually backs down.

As stated above, I have engaged in heated battles with Ted in the past, but it, of course, has done no good. I was told by other family members, on more than one occasion, to just not say anything where Ted is concerned. And I have learned to do just that. Keep my mouth shut. But is that doing any good? I mean, sure it keeps the peace. But is that good for everyone else’s mental health in the long run?

I can tell you that the other family members who live with Ted go on trips WITHOUT him, which I don’t blame them. They now only travel together when necessary and for family emergencies and special occasions.

I don’t even want to be around this person, because they are so toxic.

When it comes to phone calls, I just don’t call. I will call other members of the family, but not him. In the past, the phone calls would just erupt into fierce arguments.

And speaking of rudeness and toxicity, I am reminded of a post I did a couple of weeks back pertaining to rude coworkers. Please click on the link below for that post:

There should absolutely be no fear in dealing with these individuals. And I know a great many of you keep silent, myself included. But again, I ask the question is that doing anyone any good? Is that good for our overall mental health?

And as several of my posts this year, and in the past, have been stating, it is okay to steer clear of these individuals. Detach from them, my favorite new word to use in situations like what I am describing.

This isn’t a “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” sort of thing. But quite the opposite. “If you can’t beat ’em, delete ’em!!”

It may be easier said than done, particularly when it comes to family. But I am a firm believer in protecting your mental wellbeing at all costs, even if that means excluding certain family members.

And remember, if you feel that you cannot cope with toxic people and their extremely rude and impertinent behaviour, be it family or friends, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

Now, if online therapy isn’t for you and the cost is too high, then a much simpler route is trying CBD/THC-infused gummies. Please click on the banner below for Five CBD+.

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

PHOTO ATTRIBUTION: Jonathan Borba

Categories
mental health and well-being

Stop Assuming Friendships with People. They Don’t Care.

Hello! Hello! My dear friends! Welcome back to another round of what goes through Derek’s head! 😂😂😂

Stop assuming friendship with people, because they don’t care. And, therefore, why should you?

Having friends is wonderful, especially those you can count on. However, there are some people who don’t value friendship or it just doesn’t mean the same to them as it does to you.

And, in my opinion, it is time to back away – detach as I discussed in a previous post. And if necessary, cut them loose altogether.

I know, I get it. As we grow older, our needs change. Our priorities change. We get “busier” or that is at least what we tell ourselves and others. We just don’t have the same time as we did when we were younger or our friendship circle changes.

However, when you have been friends with the same group of people for years and suddenly they don’t seem to have time for you when they are not that busy. Or you are not getting the phone calls – sorry – the text messages, you used to, time to ask what’s up?

And I also get that people just simply grow apart for whatever reason, because of time or distance or what have you.

I have also had friends who thought they could walk all over me, because they assumed friendship. And I stupidly allowed them to do it in the name of said, so-called friendship.

Try that shit now, and I can promise you you’ll get your feet cut off. 😂😂😂

But I digress. I am going to tell another one of my boring tales to give you an example of when I assumed friendship when I shouldn’t have. And believe me I have more than one story.

This tale is about — well, let’s just call the bitch — Mother Devereaux. Several of you arleady know the story. So I will, for once, try and make it brief. 😉

I moved in with Mother Devereaux back in the summer of 2019, and I thought it was going to be a wonderful experience. I thought and ASSUMED this person would be the perfect roommate, because of their easy-going demeanor. We had known each other for over 20 years.

Oh this is actually a gay man, by the way, but I like to call him Mother Devereaux because of Golden Girls. I won’t explain further, as you can Google it. 😉

Well, things got rocky during Christmas of 2019. You see, I went to see my parents and brother in D.C. that Christmas. And at that time, the movie The Irishman, starring my main man Robert De Niro, had just come out on Netflix. And I figured that holiday would be a perfect time to watch it since I would have plenty of free time.

So, I went to D.C. armed with Mother Devereaux’s Netflix password so I could watch Mr. De Niro. Now, mind you, she GAVE it to me upon moving in. And she never told me that I couldn’t use it elsewhere. Plus I was paying for half of the bill.

So, on Christmas Day, I settled down to watch, when I suddenly got a text from Mother Devereaux, asking if I had used his password to log into Netflix. I texted back saying, ‘why yes I did. I’m about to watch The Irishman.’ I thought nothing of it, because I ASSUMED that he was checking to make sure. However, it went downhill from there.

He texted back asking didn’t my parents have a Netflix account, and I responded with no. That is when he told me that he didn’t want me using his password unless it was in the apartment. And I texted back saying that I didn’t think it was a big deal, because when he gave me the password, I ASSUMED I could use it anywhere. He hadn’t made any stipulations.

And he texted back saying something along the lines of he didn’t want his information stolen since he had already been through identity theft twice, which I knew about. And that it was a no-no for me to use his password info anywhere else.

I was beginning to simmer at this point, though. I texted him telling him that I was going to make sure that before I left to return to Atlanta, that I would erase his password and login info out of the Netflix account at my parents’ house. However, he still didn’t want me to use it. Okay, and so this is when I got mad.

On Christmas Day 2019, I called Mother Devereaux, who was actually at work, and cussed her out.

I told her that my family are not thieves and that NOBODY in my family was about to steal anybody’s password or identity. And that I ASSUMED that after knowing each other for over 20 years, that you would know and trust me better than that.

Besides, as I stated above he hadn’t told me that I couldn’t use the damn password wherever, and I could log in anywhere I wanted to. If I was going to dole out my password and login info to my roommate (and I now have another one), I would have a stipulation that you can only use it in the apartment. Duh!!!

Needless to say, after I finished letting her have it, I hung up the phone. I ended up watching my movie. And when it was time to return to DumbLanta, I erased all of the info out of Netflix so , heaven forbid, my mother or father or brother would decide to STEAL someone’s identity!!!!!! I mean, after all I am related to a den of thieves. Rolling my eyes fiercely!

So, upon my return to this wasteland called Atlanta, I got my own Netflix account and other streaming services, which is what I should have done in the beginning. I know. I know. Lesson learned.

I stopped paying for his bullshit, including Netflix and Disney and a few other things, too. I was just going to pay my half of the utilities and the rent, obviously, and that was it.

And when you fuck with my Christmas, you fuck with me, and THAT is a no no!!! Bitch. Just ask another former roommate.

But anyway, my point is I ASSUMED friendship. And I realize what a mistake I made. You should always ASK and not ASSUME.

Because how many times – HOW MANY TIMES – have FORMER friends ASSUMED friendship with me and did things or told me things without ASKING??? So, I am putting the “blame” about the above situation on myself, as well.

Friendships can be a trip and a half without the Louis Vuitton luggage. However, if you feel that you cannot cope in dealing with said friendships, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

Well, that is it for today. I could go on and on AND on, on the subject of friendship. But we would be here all year.

At any rate, thank you for reading, and please join me the next time. In the meantime, please be safe and, as always, mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Photo attribution: Many thanks to Kitti Incendi-Haj, Rostyslav Savchyn, and Serhii Tyaglovsky.

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mental health and well-being

Stop Enabling Rude, Toxic Workplace Bullies

Hello, everyone! I hope all of you are well!!

This week’s topic is one, I am very sure, all of you have dealt with at some point in your working lives. Perhaps you are currently dealing with it.

On the job, there is always that one person (or persons) who think they know it all. Or who bring the party down with negative comments. They think they’re being funny, but they are mean and sarcastic.

Or that one person (or persons) who is “intimidating.” Or unapproachable or just plain rude.

You know the type.

a coworker touching an overworked person s head
Photo by Yan Krukau on Pexels.com

Well, it is time to discuss these horrid people and figure out how to deal with them effectively.

I have been working steadily since 1985, after I graduated low school. I started out working, what was referred to as, work-study jobs when I was in college, and overall it was a very pleasant and groovy experience for me. The people I worked for and with, were super nice.

However, when I started my first “real” part-time job off campus in 1989 at A Southern Season, it quickly became a different story.

There was one particular character who ALWAYS had some smart-ass comment to make, and normally it was directed towards me. And it turns out, he was a gay man!! Well, that explains a lot right there.

And believe me, it didn’t stop with him on other jobs.

I encountered characters, over the years, who were just downright mean.

a woman in black suit sitting at the table
Photo by Yan Krukau on Pexels.com

I won’t name names or corporations (well, I guess I did above – ha!). Just give some very basics. SO, GET READY!!!

And perhaps you have encountered some of these same types.

The Religious Bitch

Picture it. Durham, N.C. A tiny paper and products store, an offshoot of a much bigger conglomeration.

She was tall, thin and bony and very mouthy when it came to proclaiming her Christianity. Everything was of the Devil, including and especially Halloween. One day, she even accused the Devil of stealing her keys. 😂🤣

She once said to me that if she had anything to say to me, she’d say it to my face. And she said it very rudely. Gee, how Christian of her. (Rolling my eyes.) This was my boss.

Teaching SUCKS!!!

My principal was a nightmare. The kids were a nightmare. Enough said.

The principal HATED me for some reason. He even once tried to fight me. Literally.

He was VERY unapproachable, to say the least.

Administrative Assistant Really Means Admini Ass

Although she wasn’t my overall boss, she was in charge of our department, and we were administrative assistants. Essentially, we were gophers and the pee-ons for everyone else in the company, particularly the sales department.

She was a miserable person who, at that time, was living SEXUALLY with her first cousin. Yep. You heard me right.

She was horrible, as she was always correcting me and the other girl who worked in the department, and over trivial stuff.

So, Screaming and Shouting Gets You What You Want on the Job!

Ah yes, the military company I worked for. One of my coworkers was living with a woman who already had four children by four different men. I. Kid. You. Not. While employed there, he ended up getting her pregnant, too. Big surprise there.

But he was a very disturbed individual with a LOT of mental issues. It was not unusual for him to scream at our boss, who was also quite the toxic individual himself. Our boss was an idiot who relied heavily upon his employees, as he didn’t know what the KCUF he was doing.

Yet he considered himself an “entrepreneur” and had a lot of money. Entre-manure is more like it.

Anyway, this other person screamed at me, and of course I screamed back. 😂😁😁😁😂🤣

Which by the way, if the leadership is weak, then 9 will get you 10, the rest of the company is, too. Please see the next example.

This is Supposed to Be a Fun Job. NOT!!!

man in white dress shirt covering his face
Photo by Yan Krukau on Pexels.com

Which brings me to the LAST (and hopefully last) toxic job of my life. Because I absolutely WILL NOT return to the hot mess I have described above.

I used to work for a place that was designed for fun, yet it was anything but.

There was one character who was just plain AWFUL to everyone. This lady had been there longer than anyone at that point and, therefore, she thought she was deserving of all the respect in the world. She felt that she was royalty, THE Queen Bee. And that everything should go her way or else the highway, and the rest of us should just bow down. And when it didn’t and we didn’t, she would complain to our boss (who by the way was very weak and ineffectual, as I described above). This woman would say VERY mean, condescending and unprofessional things in front of everyone.

She was the epitome of a bully.

I had a couple of run-ins with this person, myself, and it was brutal. I remember one time, in front of everyone, including our boss, I shut this person up quickly and told them “you can sit there and roll your eyes at me all you want to, I don’t care.”

All in all, this person who was also the oldest employee in our little group, acted the most childishly. She had to have her way at EVERY turn.

However, I hear that TPTB eventually fired this person. LOLOLOL

And a lot of people finally had had enough and left.

Oh. And don’t get me started on the people who tried to tell me that I didn’t want to be there. Well, first of all, neither did you.

Secondly, it’s none of your business.

And third and finally, when you are in a toxic environment, HELL NO you don’t want to be there! Why would you?? Your bad and negative energy is affecting me and others. Because I am here to tell you, that when you are on a job that respects you and wants you there and listens to you, you bring your very best.

I am happily in such an environment, where YOU are valued. And the higher ups WANT you there, and the leadership is VERY strong. And everyone is actually NICE!!! And it isn’t gossipy.

However, when you are in a despicable and even hostile work environment, where people are miserable and try to foist that misery upon you, and then blame you, you don’t care. No, you don’t want to be there. Tell me I’m wrong?

From the above scenarios, I hope you got the message.

And overall, you do NOT have to put up with this type of behavior. Ever.

On my current job, fortunately we don’t have these types of personalities. There are a couple of people who try to be bossy sometimes, but only a couple. However, the situation has been addressed, and the offenders have been dealt with.

So, if you’ve got a strong support network at work, utilize it. Let someone know. Complain. Hell, it is better than putting up with it. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

If you have a strong HR department, go to them!

Now, speaking of one of the current coworkers who received a little lecture, this brings me to another point that another coworker brought to my attention.

It was explained that this person “is just that way.” Well, the former coworker I was discussing at the so-called fun place, well that was the explanation for their behaviour, too. “That is just how they are.” And other employees who were, I am quite sure afraid of this person, enabled them. Big time.

Okay. So, I cry fowl (and bullshit) over the “that may be how you are in your own personal life,” but you don’t have to be an asshole on the job. There. I said it.

So, the current coworker and friend asked “why does everyone else have to cater to and bow down to someone else because that is the way they are?”

Good question. And I say, you don’t.

I would suggest calmly telling the offender, “I would like to talk to you for a minute.” Or “may I have a minute of your time? There is something I wish to discuss with you.” And then in the most gentle way possible, without anger (because I used to be dripping in anger like a poisoned dart – 😂😂), tell the person the problem. I actually just did this with one of my bosses!

Please check out this very insightful video on how to effectively deal with workplace bullies and nasty coworkers. There are actually TONS of videos like this on YouTube. Click on the link below:

Don’t put up with workplace bullies. It isn’t your fault that they don’t have a life and you do, because normally that’s where the problem is. They don’t have any real power in their personal lives, so they feel they can take it out on you in the workplace and on the job.

As I bring this post to a close, remember that we are not on our jobs to be belittled, aggravated, bossed around, pushed around, talked down to, walked all over or bullied. Hell no!! Advocate for yourself!! We are there to do a job. And it is understandable that everyone has a bad day every now and then. But don’t take it out on someone else.

Oh and sexual harassment of ANY kind, is NEVER to be tolerated whatsoever!!!!

As the above video states, in the end, you cannot change another person, which is also extremely important to remember.

A point to consider is that if you cannot cope with that annoying, toxic coworker and you need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

Thank you once again for reading. I greatly appreciate the support. I really, really do. Please keep reading! And until the next time, please be safe and mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs, videos, or photos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

I’m in an Abusive Relationship. With Food.

Hello, everyone! I do hope you are all well.

Boy! What a year so far, huh?

I’m changing things up a bit today, because the topic of food and my relationship to it (and perhaps yours, too) FINALLY needs to be addressed.

I have a confession to make: I’m a foodaholic. I abuse food. That’s right. I am absolutely ADDICTED to food!

I absolutely LOVE it!! The greasier, the meatier, the junkier – the better. I have loved food since I was a child. I dare say that one of my favorite times was mealtime.

I have had my fair share of all KINDS of potato chips and doughnuts and pastries and hamburgers and hot dogs and cheeseburgers and French Fries and pizzas and cakes and pies and cookies and — DAMN I’M GETTING HUNGRY!! You get the picture.

And before some of y’all (vegetarians and vegans, no less) start going off on “your parents didn’t make you eat your vegetables?”

Yes, I had to eat vegetables, too. But they knew what vegetables I liked, such as corn and salads and string beans and all kinds of fruits, like bananas and GREEN apples (I loathe and despise red apples) and grapes and peaches and plums in the summertime. NO WATERMELON! UGH!! HATED IT!!

But let’s face it, I enjoyed the meat and the chips and desserts more.

Over the years, I developed a better taste for vegetables, but I certainly always had more of a fondness for the things we are not supposed to eat too much of.

I am just going to cut to the chase and say that at a certain age, I began to use food as a crutch and a coping mechanism. I realized over time, that I was an emotional eater, eating whether happy or sad or angry or glad. It didn’t matter. I used food to celebrate any personal victories and to cope with stressful situations. I was also eating in celebration of something. Or to just simply snack.

Speaking of, I am a BIG snacker, ESPECIALLY when I am watching television. There are certain shows that just bring it out of me, such as watching old soap operas or old movies. I feel like I MUST have something to crunch on while I am watching. Notice I said “crunch.” Hint hint – POTATO CHIPS!!! 😊😂🤣

In my teens, 20s, 30s and also mostly my 40s, I was very active.
In college I biked a great deal, because that was the main form of transportation at Carolina to get around campus. And I did a LOT of walking later in life, because I really enjoyed doing it.

The weather, however, in my 50s – okay and my laziness, too – sort of put a damper on that. I normally walk in the spring and summer on the weekends, but sometimes it would rain. And I do not do anything in the rain, as some of you by now know.

And I absolutely, positively love to DANCE!!! 🕺🕺🕺

Starting in 2008, when I did the fabulous show The Boys in The Band at Whole World Theatre in Atlanta, I really started gorging. I weighed around 170 pounds at the time. I was on such a high during the run of the show. All of the laughs and accolades and compliments I received while doing that show, made me want to go grab Wendy’s or McDonald’s in celebration afterwards.

And then of course, sometimes I went out to a restaurant with the rest of the cast and crew after the show.

So, I realized at some point down the road that I wasn’t weighing 170 pounds anymore. I was approaching my 180s. And then I hit the 180s and the 190s – and you see where this is going. And I remember thinking when I was in the 190s, I wasn’t going to approach the 200s. Come on! That mustn’t happen. That will NOT happen.

Then years later, it happened. 😒

I couldn’t believe that I allowed my 170-pound self to gain over 30 freakin’ pounds!!!

And I had no one to blame but myself.

It is not the food’s fault. It is mine. It is my gluttony, my emotional and stress eating. It is my absolute LOVE OF FOOD!!!! My abusive nature towards it. I jokingly say that food is my friend. Food doesn’t lie. Food and eating is something I CAN control, since I feel that there are MANY things in my life that I cannot control.

But deep down inside, I knew something had to be done.

So, like everyone else, I discovered the Keto diet. I figured, why not? I read about and studied it, and decided to give it a try. This was in 2019.

To cut to the chase, by the time 2020 (and the pandemic) hit, I was weighing 183!!!! I was soooooo happy! Certain clothes that I either couldn’t wear any longer or dare not wear any longer, I COULD wear!!

I remember that throughout most of 2020 and maybe even into 2021, I basically maintained that weight.

But then something happened. I fell off the wagon for some reason, and I don’t remember why.

I think it had to do with the fact that, for some reason, I couldn’t seem to get under 183. I wanted to be 170 again. But no matter how hard I tried, I hovered around that weight.

And I think that is when I derailed. Plus, there were certain events that happened around that time, such as funerals and holidays and such, and the food that I REALLY craved was right there for the eating. And so, I ate it. But I promised myself I would get back on the wagon and start over. And I did. But I would fall off again. And then I played a back and forth game of “Oh I’ll start THIS month or that month,” or “I’ll start at the New Year,” or “BEFORE my birthday,” etc., etc.

Promises, promises.

And last year in 2022 when I knew I was going to Europe for my birthday, I told myself that I would lose SOME weight before the trip. And of course, that didn’t happen. I took my over 200-pound fat ass across the pond. And I ate WHATEVER THE BLEEP I wanted, because at this point it was too late.

However, I realized upon my return, that I actually lost some weight because of all the walking I had done. I was at 210, and I was actually proud of that. 😂😂😂

But then I played the same back-and-forth game I played before the trip: I’ll start NEXT month. And again, I lost that game.

So, one day in the fall of 2022, completely exasperated and frustrated, I sat down and had a LONGGGGGGGGGGG talk with myself as to what the heck was my problem? Why couldn’t I commit like I did in 2019?

Why and how did I let this happen all these years?

I asked myself some hard questions: Why do you eat so dang much? What’s up, bitch? And I began to call myself out on my emotional-eating rollercoaster ride and my “what the heck” and “back and forth” attitude. I realized that I liked to eat in front of the TV and snack, etc.

And in January 2023, I got on the scale and saw that I was 221 pounds!!!!!!!!!

Oh HELL NAW!!!!!!

Something had to be done.

So, I continued those honest conversations with myself and realized that it was now or never. And that if Keto wasn’t working for me, to try either another diet or something else all together.

(And by the way, I don’t want to advocate for the Keto diet one way or the other and say, as some have said, that it isn’t sustainable. I couldn’t sustain it, but that doesn’t mean you cannot.)

So, I decided, first and foremost, that I was going to make eating better/healthier a habit. I have read a ton about how if you do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit.

I know this works, because I have been keeping a journal consistently since the end of 2001.

I also have been doing affirmations for several years now.

Both are now habits.

So, I approached my eating that way, too, starting with eating less in a day, with smaller portions. And I gave myself 30 days.

And it has been working so far.

After a couple of rough starts this year, and a major setback recently, I am proud to say that I now weigh 210!!! So, I have lost 11 pounds since January!

And no pictures, please. LOL Not yet.

My personal journey takeaways from all of this is a combination of willpower, telling myself I’m not hungry, trying to eat only when hungry, knowing my triggers, realizing that I am an emotional eater, and that I am a snacker especially when watching TV.

Please share with me your “battle” with food. And maybe battle is the incorrect word choice. But mine certainly has been a battle.

If you have tried to eat healthy or “diet,” which I am starting to dislike that word – I prefer “new way of eating” – and nothing has been working, then perhaps you should speak to someone. If you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

Thank you, once again, for continuing on this journey with me. Please feel free to leave comments below. And I will be back soon. In the meantime, please be safe and, as always, be mentally well.

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

It is Okay to Detach from People

Welcome back, my dear friends! I am back with something that has been weighing on my mind lately.

I have decided it is time to stop chasing after people, stuff, things, etc. Because I realize that it has gotten me nowhere. And I’m quite honestly sick and tired of it. And it has wreaked havoc on my mental faculties.

I have written about letting go of “stuff” and people in the past. However, I want to tailor this blog post to more specifically detaching and letting go of people.

To an extent, as a child, I wanted to be liked. Didn’t we all? And I wanted to be part of a group; I wanted to belong. Again, didn’t we all?

When you have been disappointed by people as much as I have, and you have been burned enough in that department – not to mention counting on people for certain things and they let you down – and even assuming friendship or assuming certain things about your friendship, you truly get sick of it. And so it is with great pleasure that I announce I am totally sole/soul alone!! 😁

The reason I call it “soul alone” is because of the Daryl Hall SOLO album, of the same name. Great album. Here’s the opening track – “Power of Seduction.”

Daryl, from time to time, felt the need to detach from John Oates, and that’s okay.

But I digress.

I have been doing a lot of affirmations surrounding no longer chasing after things and people and just relaxing and allowing things to just be as they are.

This is coming from a place of having too many expectations from people, and not having any of them met or fulfilled. I know that that is the death of your mentality to always want something from people, aka Earth Things, and particularly Earth Things you know, even your friends.

Well, I am at a place in my life where I am okay with being alone, with doing things on my own. Ha. I rhymed. 😂😁

This detachment is more of an internal detachment. It isn’t really a “leave me the fuck alone; I’m totally staying away from people” sort of thing. Well, not necessarily. Because obviously (and sometimes unfortunately) you have to deal with Earth Things at some point in time.

But cutting down on my interactions with them, and certainly cutting out the expectations and assumptions and presumptions is VERY good for my mental health. And I’ll bet it will be good for yours, as well.

Otherwise, you’ll be left waiting. Waiting for someone to do something for you.

Waiting for love.

Waiting. Just waiting.

Check out Madonna’s song about the subject of “waiting.”

When you detach or separate yourself, you truly are at peace. You create that space within yourself to rely on YOURSELF which is what we all should do anyway.

You not only create peace, but resilience and strength. Because people (or Earth Things as I like to call us), are all over the place. We have our own stuff to deal with, and it is fair to say that we are not always available, emotionally or otherwise.

When you detach, you cut out any hard feelings.

You protect yourself and your own mental wellbeing.

And you are happier.

Because being dependent upon someone else can be the pits.

But I think you gain so much more strength and maturity by simply detaching yourself from others, temporarily. Or just pull a Stevie Nicks and tell people to “STAND BACK!” 🤣😁😂

And it’s not like it has to be forever. Again, it certainly can be a temporary thing, because, again, there are times when we do need each other.

And this DEFINITELY applies to detaching from bad relationships!!!

I don’t wish to tell other adults what to do, but it goes without saying that if you are stuck in a toxic or dead-end or, heaven forbid, abusive relationship, to quote the Jordan Peele movie “GET OUT!”

Find the strength somehow to walk away and to let go – rise above and move forward.

I would suggest doing the same with toxic friendships, toxic family members, and toxic organizations and jobs. You get the idea.

It is, of course, easier said than done to “detach” from people and to walk away. But remember, if you feel that you need the strength and conviction to do so and you need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

Thank you all so much for diving into today’s topic. Please stay tuned for more posts. In the meantime, please be safe and, as always, be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

Dealing and Healing from Years of Trauma and Drama

Welcome back, everyone! Thanks for checking in.

This week’s topic is dealing and healing from years of trauma and drama. And what type of trauma do I mean? The trauma perpetuated on us by people, of course.

I know this sounds like another weepy, wimpy, you-can’t-handle-life kind of post, where it’s YOUR fault that you allow people to hurt you, walk all over you, or traumatize you.

However, when you realize in life that you are a people pleaser or, let’s say, come from a family who constantly puts you down or is toxic, and then that toxicity translates over into adulthood and others show up in your life who are just as toxic or equally pernicious, then you know EXACTLY what I mean.

These traumatic experiences can be anything negative that knocks you off your center, that you relive over and over and over again even if it is unintentional. It can mess with your mind and your personal security. You may feel low-esteem as a result or feel unworthy, off balance, afraid, nervous and anxious.

I also believe you can be traumatized for simply keeping your bazoo zipped and not saying anything to these virulent nutjobs, because you want to keep the peace and not make any waves or cause confrontations with said nutjobs.

Yep. We are going to start in childhood, because let’s face it – that’s where a lot of this junk starts. At least that was the case for me.

Bullying

Now. You know that I was going to go THERE.

First of all, being bullied is traumatic in and of itself. A bullied child may experience sleep disturbances, mood swings, insecurity, fear and anxiety.

And more often than not, these symptoms of trauma carry over into adulthood.

But there are other traumas, too, that can happen to a person later in life: Illness, a traumatic event such as rape or, heaven forbid a mass shooting, which I covered last week.

Other traumas can, unfortunately, include some type of ongoing abuse, such as spousal abuse or child abuse.

And there is the workplace. Let’s face it, but a lot of trauma can occur right there. A toxic workplace. A difficult boss. Difficult coworkers. Job loss. Threat of losing your job.

I think you get the picture in terms of different traumas.

But the question is – how do you cope? How do you heal from all this?

I think one of the first steps is realizing that you have, indeed, been traumatized by something or someone or some event.

Throughout a great deal of my adulthood, I was a very, very angry person. And I had no problem showing others that anger and vitriol deep within me. It actually wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that I was dealing with my pain body.

I go into what the paid body is in length in this previous post. Please click the link below.

The pain body is years and years of accumulated, unresolved hurts and disappointments that one carries around with them, without realizing it. And the slightest incident can trigger that person into venting all of these bottled up feelings in a torrent of pain, anger and malevolence. And yep. I was doing that. I don’t do that (as much) anymore now that I realize what it was. Hey, I’m an Earth Thing and still a work in progress. 😁😋

And that pain body can most definitely start in childhood. Oh yes, the childhood crap, such as neglectful parents, growing up and living in an environment where you are blamed for everything, growing up in an environment where you are constantly talked down to, feeling unsafe and unsure in your environment.

Please click the link below for the post I wrote on that.

What people don’t realize is that we are a cumulation of years of drama, disappointments, and trauma, making us who we are today.

But a lot of people don’t believe that and/or refuse to believe it or do something about it.

So, step one is acknowledging that you were traumatized.

I would say the next step in healing is figuring out what works for you in your healing process and journey.

Here are some ideas:

  1. Journaling and/or writing about what happened to you and acknowledging it. Give space and honor to the fact that dammit – I’m in pain from X, Y, Z. NEVER let ANYONE tell you to just GET OVER IT. No. Acknowledge it! Own it! No, you don’t have to stay stuck in it.
  2. Which brings me to another thought. Getting unstuck. Figure out those triggers. I think when you do that, you’ve already won half that battle.
  3. Suggestions: I will always but always suggest meditation. Sit quietly and reflect on your past and what happened. And then begin to make peace with the fact that you cannot change that past. You cannot change the people involved. And tell yourself you did NOT deserve the trauma and the pain that went with it.
  4. Another suggestion: Music is soooo helpful.
  5. So, are affirmations. For me, affirmations are now like breathing or drinking water. I find them very necessary to start my day and put me in a more relaxed and peaceful mood. Affirmations are like my gas to get this 55-yo vehicle going! 😎😅
  6. FORGIVE YOURSELF!! People are always running around saying to forgive others. Yes. Do it IF YOU CAN. It is sometimes easier said than done. I prefer to say RELEASE THEM. But definitely love and forgive yourself first and foremost, I say.
  7. Know that you, yes YOU are a valuable person worthy of everything wonderful and good in this world, and that no one has the right to tell you otherwise. They can, but screw ’em. 😉

And remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

That’s it, my dear friends and readers. Come back next time as I discuss detaching from people. Woo hoo! Talk about a way to heal from your trauma and drama. 😀

Until then, please be safe and mentally well!

SOURCES:

Photo attribution: Simran Sood

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Categories
mental health and well-being

Mass Shootings = Massive Fear, Anxiety and Trauma

Welcome back, my dear friends and readers!

TRIGGER WARNING: As the title suggests, I will be talking about mass shootings, gun violence, and death.

Ripped straight from the headlines.

“67 Mass Shootings in the U.S. so far in 2023” – Fox 13 News

“7 Dead in Shootings in Half Moon Bay” – New York Times

“2 Taiwanese Americans among the dead in Monterey Park mass shooting, officials say” – Focus Taiwan

“Authorities identify 72-year-old man as suspected gunman in Lunar New Year mass shooting” – Yahoo News

And the most recent: “3 students killed and 5 wounded after shootings at Michigan State University” – NBC News

67 shootings in 2023. In America, thus far. And it’s only February.

I hate to say this, but God knows how many more will happen by the time I post this.

This is pure INSANITY!! How much more are we supposed to take?

I just wonder how this mass shooting hysteria is affecting our mental health. I will bet you, not very well.

I feel like I am now on high alert whenever I go anywhere, but particularly the grocery store. The. Grocery. Store. In decades past, how many times have I gone to the grocery store as a child, a teen, a young adult, an old fart like I am now? And NEVER once did I think about a mass shooter or active shooter or whatever you choose to call them, coming into said store and shooting up the place like the O.K. Corral.

It has now gotten to the point that I pray for my safety (and the safety of my family and closest pals) whenever I/we go to the grocery store. THE GROCERY STORE!!

Let’s skip over grocery stores.

How about SCHOOLS????

I was fortunate to get through elementary, middle, junior and high school and college without a murderous incident occurring. Sure, back in the day, we had bomb threats when I was in secondary school – mostly it happened when I was in junior high – but they were just threats. Other kids trying to create chaos for no reason other than sheer boredom. But never once did I fear for my life because of school. Hell, whenever we had the bomb threats, that meant class was interrupted until the bomb squad arrived to check things out, of course without finding a doggone thing. And we had to evacuate the buildings and go outside and sit or stand in the grass. We LOVED it!

Anyway, it never crossed our minds, sitting out on that grass waiting for the bomb squad to give the okay signal, that a shooter could come into our schools and massacre us. Because it wasn’t happening on a near daily basis like it is now. It didn’t happen at all.

But our children today. How do they feel going to school knowing that it could happen to them? Are they living in fear? Because the headlines are one thing. The reality is totally another. And I cannot imagine going to school not only having fire drills and tornado drills. But an active shooter drill? Come on!

I mean, these kids must be frightened out of their minds. I know I would be. And if they are scared, the parents, I am sure, are besides themselves with terror, not knowing if this will be the day it happens at THEIR child’s school. To their child. Will their baby return home safely? FROM SCHOOL!

As much as I hate the term “new normal,” it would appear that this is our new normal. Unless something is actually done about this hideous problem.

Amongst the fear and anxiety surrounding these mass shootings, my BIGGEST fear is that we are becoming absolutely desensitized to the problem.

Oh. Yet another mass shooting. Let me pour my coffee. Return to my latest reality TV show. Scroll through Facebook or TikTok. Oh gotta get to work.

It didn’t happen to me. So, it doesn’t affect me. (Rolling my eyes.)

Not trying to throw out any conspiracy theories here, but what if that is the “plan?” Make everyday citizens so numb to this horror that we just continue in the endless cycle of our hamster-wheel lives and not do a bloody thing about it.

We become so blind to it all that we just accept it and stay stuck in this mess.

The thought is ‘Oh well. Nothing is going to be done. So, let me arm myself, too, like it’s the Wild, Wild West.’

What I wonder is how those, who have survived a mass shooting, are feeling. How are they coping? ARE they even coping?

Check out the source reports below that detail survivors of gun violence and/or people in general, who have experienced recurrent nightmares of a traumatic event.

And it is not unusual for people to turn to drugs and alcohol as a coping strategy in the wake of a horrifying incident.

Children, particularly who are affected, can also suffer from PTSD, eating disorders, interrupted sleep patterns, and anger, along with persistent fear. And, of course, an overall feeling of helplessness.

Even suicidal ideation.

And you know what? It isn’t just the children.

I think in order to return some semblance of sanity in the aftermath of an insane event such as a mass shooting, it actually may be necessary to seek therapy.

Or at least talk to someone about how you are feeling. Maybe even a group of people who have had similar and/or shared experiences.

And of course, heaven forbid, if you have lost a loved one due to gun violence, please talk to someone.

I do hope this madness stops so OUR madness over it can stop.

This was a tough one to write, and I am sure for all of you to read. We hear about it all the time in the news. So, thank you for allowing me to pontificate on the reality of such a horrible state of where things are now.

Reading and hearing in the news about yet ANOTHER mass shooting can either desensitize you or it can send you down the rabbit hole of fear or anxiety, wondering if you are next. However, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

That’s it for now. I hope to see you all back next time. Until then, and as always, please stay safe and mentally well.

Sources:

Photo Attribution: Thanks to Colin Lloyd, Simran Sood, Nsey Benajah, and Pablo Arenas for the photography.

DEREK’S DISCLAIMERI am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Derek Writes
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