This week’s topic is dealing and healing from years of trauma and drama. And what type of trauma do I mean? The trauma perpetuated on us by people, of course.
I know this sounds like another weepy, wimpy, you-can’t-handle-life kind of post, where it’s YOUR fault that you allow people to hurt you, walk all over you, or traumatize you.
However, when you realize in life that you are a people pleaser or, let’s say, come from a family who constantly puts you down or is toxic, and then that toxicity translates over into adulthood and others show up in your life who are just as toxic or equally pernicious, then you know EXACTLY what I mean.
These traumatic experiences can be anything negative that knocks you off your center, that you relive over and over and over again even if it is unintentional. It can mess with your mind and your personal security. You may feel low-esteem as a result or feel unworthy, off balance, afraid, nervous and anxious.
I also believe you can be traumatized for simply keeping your bazoo zipped and not saying anything to these virulent nutjobs, because you want to keep the peace and not make any waves or cause confrontations with said nutjobs.
Yep. We are going to start in childhood, because let’s face it – that’s where a lot of this junk starts. At least that was the case for me.
Bullying
Now. You know that I was going to go THERE.
First of all, being bullied is traumatic in and of itself. A bullied child may experience sleep disturbances, mood swings, insecurity, fear and anxiety.
And more often than not, these symptoms of trauma carry over into adulthood.
But there are other traumas, too, that can happen to a person later in life: Illness, a traumatic event such as rape or, heaven forbid a mass shooting, which I covered last week.
Other traumas can, unfortunately, include some type of ongoing abuse, such as spousal abuse or child abuse.
And there is the workplace. Let’s face it, but a lot of trauma can occur right there. A toxic workplace. A difficult boss. Difficult coworkers. Job loss. Threat of losing your job.
I think you get the picture in terms of different traumas.
But the question is – how do you cope? How do you heal from all this?
I think one of the first steps is realizing that you have, indeed, been traumatized by something or someone or some event.
Throughout a great deal of my adulthood, I was a very, very angry person. And I had no problem showing others that anger and vitriol deep within me. It actually wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized that I was dealing with my pain body.
I go into what the paid body is in length in this previous post. Please click the link below.
The pain body is years and years of accumulated, unresolved hurts and disappointments that one carries around with them, without realizing it. And the slightest incident can trigger that person into venting all of these bottled up feelings in a torrent of pain, anger and malevolence. And yep. I was doing that. I don’t do that (as much) anymore now that I realize what it was. Hey, I’m an Earth Thing and still a work in progress. 😁😋
And that pain body can most definitely start in childhood. Oh yes, the childhood crap, such as neglectful parents, growing up and living in an environment where you are blamed for everything, growing up in an environment where you are constantly talked down to, feeling unsafe and unsure in your environment.
Please click the link below for the post I wrote on that.
What people don’t realize is that we are a cumulation of years of drama, disappointments, and trauma, making us who we are today.
But a lot of people don’t believe that and/or refuse to believe it or do something about it.
So, step one is acknowledging that you were traumatized.
I would say the next step in healing is figuring out what works for you in your healing process and journey.
Here are some ideas:
Journaling and/or writing about what happened to you and acknowledging it. Give space and honor to the fact that dammit – I’m in pain from X, Y, Z. NEVER let ANYONE tell you to just GET OVER IT. No. Acknowledge it! Own it! No, you don’t have to stay stuck in it.
Which brings me to another thought. Getting unstuck. Figure out those triggers. I think when you do that, you’ve already won half that battle.
Suggestions: I will always but always suggest meditation. Sit quietly and reflect on your past and what happened. And then begin to make peace with the fact that you cannot change that past. You cannot change the people involved. And tell yourself you did NOT deserve the trauma and the pain that went with it.
Another suggestion: Music is soooo helpful.
So, are affirmations. For me, affirmations are now like breathing or drinking water. I find them very necessary to start my day and put me in a more relaxed and peaceful mood. Affirmations are like my gas to get this 55-yo vehicle going! 😎😅
FORGIVE YOURSELF!! People are always running around saying to forgive others. Yes. Do it IF YOU CAN. It is sometimes easier said than done. I prefer to say RELEASE THEM. But definitely love and forgive yourself first and foremost, I say.
Know that you, yes YOU are a valuable person worthy of everything wonderful and good in this world, and that no one has the right to tell you otherwise. They can, but screw ’em. 😉
And remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it, my dear friends and readers. Come back next time as I discuss detaching from people. Woo hoo! Talk about a way to heal from your trauma and drama. 😀
Until then, please be safe and mentally well!
SOURCES:
Photo attribution: Simran Sood
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
TRIGGER WARNING: As the title suggests, I will be talking about mass shootings, gun violence, and death.
Ripped straight from the headlines.
“67 Mass Shootings in the U.S. so far in 2023” – Fox 13 News
“7 Dead in Shootings in Half Moon Bay” – New York Times
“2 Taiwanese Americans among the dead in Monterey Park mass shooting, officials say” – Focus Taiwan
“Authorities identify 72-year-old man as suspected gunman in Lunar New Year mass shooting” – Yahoo News
And the most recent: “3 students killed and 5 wounded after shootings at Michigan State University” – NBC News
67 shootings in 2023. In America, thus far. And it’s only February.
I hate to say this, but God knows how many more will happen by the time I post this.
This is pure INSANITY!! How much more are we supposed to take?
I just wonder how this mass shooting hysteria is affecting our mental health. I will bet you, not very well.
I feel like I am now on high alert whenever I go anywhere, but particularly the grocery store. The. Grocery. Store. In decades past, how many times have I gone to the grocery store as a child, a teen, a young adult, an old fart like I am now? And NEVER once did I think about a mass shooter or active shooter or whatever you choose to call them, coming into said store and shooting up the place like the O.K. Corral.
It has now gotten to the point that I pray for my safety (and the safety of my family and closest pals) whenever I/we go to the grocery store. THE GROCERY STORE!!
Let’s skip over grocery stores.
How about SCHOOLS????
I was fortunate to get through elementary, middle, junior and high school and college without a murderous incident occurring. Sure, back in the day, we had bomb threats when I was in secondary school – mostly it happened when I was in junior high – but they were just threats. Other kids trying to create chaos for no reason other than sheer boredom. But never once did I fear for my life because of school. Hell, whenever we had the bomb threats, that meant class was interrupted until the bomb squad arrived to check things out, of course without finding a doggone thing. And we had to evacuate the buildings and go outside and sit or stand in the grass. We LOVED it!
Anyway, it never crossed our minds, sitting out on that grass waiting for the bomb squad to give the okay signal, that a shooter could come into our schools and massacre us. Because it wasn’t happening on a near daily basis like it is now. It didn’t happen at all.
But our children today. How do they feel going to school knowing that it could happen to them? Are they living in fear? Because the headlines are one thing. The reality is totally another. And I cannot imagine going to school not only having fire drills and tornado drills. But an active shooter drill? Come on!
I mean, these kids must be frightened out of their minds. I know I would be. And if they are scared, the parents, I am sure, are besides themselves with terror, not knowing if this will be the day it happens at THEIR child’s school. To their child. Will their baby return home safely? FROM SCHOOL!
As much as I hate the term “new normal,” it would appear that this is our new normal. Unless something is actually done about this hideous problem.
Amongst the fear and anxiety surrounding these mass shootings, my BIGGEST fear is that we are becoming absolutely desensitized to the problem.
Oh. Yet another mass shooting. Let me pour my coffee. Return to my latest reality TV show. Scroll through Facebook or TikTok. Oh gotta get to work.
It didn’t happen to me. So, it doesn’t affect me. (Rolling my eyes.)
Not trying to throw out any conspiracy theories here, but what if that is the “plan?” Make everyday citizens so numb to this horror that we just continue in the endless cycle of our hamster-wheel lives and not do a bloody thing about it.
We become so blind to it all that we just accept it and stay stuck in this mess.
The thought is ‘Oh well. Nothing is going to be done. So, let me arm myself, too, like it’s the Wild, Wild West.’
What I wonder is how those, who have survived a mass shooting, are feeling. How are they coping? ARE they even coping?
Check out the source reports below that detail survivors of gun violence and/or people in general, who have experienced recurrent nightmares of a traumatic event.
And it is not unusual for people to turn to drugs and alcohol as a coping strategy in the wake of a horrifying incident.
Children, particularly who are affected, can also suffer from PTSD, eating disorders, interrupted sleep patterns, and anger, along with persistent fear. And, of course, an overall feeling of helplessness.
Even suicidal ideation.
And you know what? It isn’t just the children.
I think in order to return some semblance of sanity in the aftermath of an insane event such as a mass shooting, it actually may be necessary to seek therapy.
Or at least talk to someone about how you are feeling. Maybe even a group of people who have had similar and/or shared experiences.
And of course, heaven forbid, if you have lost a loved one due to gun violence, please talk to someone.
I do hope this madness stops so OUR madness over it can stop.
This was a tough one to write, and I am sure for all of you to read. We hear about it all the time in the news. So, thank you for allowing me to pontificate on the reality of such a horrible state of where things are now.
Reading and hearing in the news about yet ANOTHER mass shooting can either desensitize you or it can send you down the rabbit hole of fear or anxiety, wondering if you are next. However, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it for now. I hope to see you all back next time. Until then, and as always, please stay safe and mentally well.
Photo Attribution: Thanks to Colin Lloyd, Simran Sood, Nsey Benajah, and Pablo Arenas for the photography.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dear friends and readers! I do hope this New Year is going well for you thus far.
One of the things that has always plagued me my entire life is fear of rejection, something I KNOW a lot of us have dealt with or perhaps are currently dealing with.
I call it being rejected and dejected.
When you put yourself out there at an early age and then find that people either laugh at you or reject or make fun of you, it is very easy to climb back into your shell and not do anything at all.
And it most certainly is no barrel of laughs when it happens to us in adulthood.
This can apply to everything under the sun from a special talent you have.
To someone you are attracted to.
And it hurts like heck to not be a part of something or someone.
And it hurts like a prickly porcupine when you want something – or someone – and you are turned down. You don’t get that job. Or that hot and potential suitor. Or an audition if you are an actor or singer for a part you really and truly want. Etc. Etc. and Etc.
Rejection is UNFORTUNATELY a part of life. And some ways it can be a good thing.
But when you feel hurt or depressed from it, it’s the pits.
And when it affects your overall self-esteem and mental wellbeing, then that’s the time to evaluate things.
Again, rejection itself actually is a normal thing. Well, not if you feel that way as a child. Totally different.
But as adults, it is definitely going to happen. But it is how we handle it that makes the difference. Are we going to move on and not let it bother us? Or are we going to sink into a deep hole of feeling not just rejected, but feeling worthless?
Will the rejection keep us from trying again?
That is how I feel about the rejection I have experienced in my life, particularly with regard to romantic relationships. I just didn’t want to try anymore. I was afraid to put myself out there. I suffered from the “why bothers.”
Why bother when I am going to be rejected anyway?
Why bother when I am going to lose?
Why bother when I am only going to be told no anyway and not get what I want? Again.
Surface level rejections can most certainly turn into a deep, festering wound of past rejections that linger over time.
Why do we feel rejected? Why do we feel bad about it? I think because we think it is a reflection on us, and that we feel we are not good enough!!!
The times I have been rejected or felt rejected, it carried itself over to later things and/or events in my life, leading me to give up before I even start.
So, yes I allowed the past rejections to rob me of trying again.
I also started feeling that everybody else can have something, but apparently not me.
But you know what I say now? Detach. Go for it anyway if you feel that strongly about something. And never allow it to be a reflection of you or your worth.
In 2022, I faced not one, but TWO romantic rejections. The first was at the beginning of 2022, and someone I had dated 13 years prior who came back into my life. And yes, I think it was during a mercury retrograde, and I’m just going to leave that right there.
The second occurred at the end of 2022, when after initially meeting someone for coffee, he told me right then and there that there wasn’t a sexual spark. Well, I never!! I wasted a trip out, especially when I was going to leave anyway when I thought he had stood me up!
Then I remembered what someone told me once that rejection means not you, not at this time. I suppose that lessens the blow a bit.
Or you can look at rejection as a good thing, that perhaps the thing you want isn’t good for you after all.
In the above two “romantic” situations, I now consider it a good thing. 😊
In summary, the way I look at rejection now is – “okay. Next?” If this one doesn’t work out, let me try the next thing and the next thing and so on and so forth. I will no longer allow it to rob me of my self worth.
And I most certainly will not allow it to stop me from going after I want!
Rejection of any kind on any level flippin’ sucks. But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it, my darlings. Thank you for reading. I greatly appreciate it. And I shall see you soon. But until then, please be safe and mentally well!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dear friends and readers!! Happy NEW YEAR 2023!!! Or as I like to say – Happy NEW QUEER! 🤣😊😁😉
I do hope the holidays were good for all of you, and that you were/are happy and safe and loved and above all else, mentally well!
So. Another New Year. Another Auld Lang Syne – as the Barry Manilow song suggests.
And so now what?
New Year’s Resolutions?
A promise to lose that weight?
Get healthy?
Start that business?
Get a better job?
Look for that special person to settle down with?
These are the typical things, I suppose, one may think about at this time.
Or is it just going to be the same old thing? Same old habits?
I grew tired of making New Year’s resolutions AGES ago. Instead, I really try very hard to make it a practice to incorporate what I want to do in my DAILY life. And I feel that it has worked out for me.
Is my life better? In many ways, yes. And then I feel like, no it’s not. I suppose it is all in the eye of the beholder, as one would say. No, I am not where I would like to be in life. However, I am building, what I would call, a solid foundation of at least specifically what I want out of life. Or at this age – THE REST OF MY LIFE! 😁😁😁😁 And a path and/or journey towards working on my goals.
I would like to encourage anyone reading this to do one thing. Just pick one thing this year, perhaps, you have ALWAYS wanted to do. And just focus on that for the entire year. If you feel you can handle two, then go for it. Three, have at it. And so on. The reason I say one, is just make it easy on yourself and don’t overdo.
And whatever that one thing is, perhaps consider that as your resolution. Or your personal change.
Or in my case – BUCKET LIST!! 🤣😁😉
Also, I would start by looking at your overall, current life and examine it and see how you feel about it.
Then see what is working for you and what isn’t.
Then I would start with the “what isn’t working for me” part and see what I could do to fix that, change that, or get rid of it altogether.
Because let’s face it, if something or even someone, such as a relationship or a friendship has outgrown its usefulness, then perhaps it is time to detach from it. (Notice I didn’t say the overused phrase “let it go!”) 😁😁😁
And again, just do one thing at a time.
Staying on track and keeping resolutions are tough. We have all tried and failed to keep them. But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or your problems go deeper than resolutions and you need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it. Short and sweet. Next week it’s all about the fear of rejection and how it affects our mental wellbeing. Until then, and as always, please be safe and mentally well! And the best wishes for a FABULOUS 2023!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Merry After Christmas/The Holidays/Post Season’s Greetings/Post Whatever you celebrate or don’t celebrate, etc. etc. etc.
I do hope you are all well during this time, that you are healthy and happy and doing your very best to survive.
Today’s topic – taking a break from social media, and the benefits behind it.
I decided over a month ago, that I was going to take a break from Social Murder. You know it as Social Media. LOLOL
I call it Social “Murder” because it seems to do just that, murder any chance of actually being social. To me social means carrying on conversations with each other, not plastering your life all over the place to get likes and emotional reactions.
I decided to take a break, because I was feeling icky over the whole thing. And yes, I was getting bitter over seeing everyone else go on vacations (mind you, I was in Europe in the Spring! 🤣🤣🤣) or get in a new relationship or a new job.
And also, it had gotten boring. I was seeing the same old shit. And I was posting the same old shit.
It was tiring and duller than watching a reality TV show. Yeah. I said it.
It is so easy to get caught up in the social media thing by either posting or simply scrolling through all the pictures and the likes and the posts of your so-called friends (I mean, are they really your friends if they simply depend on your likes?).
In taking my break, I learned a lot about myself. One thing I learned is that I don’t actually need it or really care what goes on in the lives of everyone on a daily basis, unless they are close friends. And even then I don’t need to know and see everything. I don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone. However, must I have everyone’s life shoved down my throat at every turn?
I mean, what did we do before social media? Did we not see each other in REAL time rather than on a platform that is potentially designed to breed jealousy and bad feelings towards others and yourself for not living up to the fake scenarios and standards we see on a Facebook? Let’s face it, all that glitters is not gold.
And if anyone says that they don’t feel the slightest bit or twinge of jealousy when they see something really wonderful happening to someone else on social media, they would be lying. I feel it from time to time, not gonna lie.
It’s natural. I can feel that twinge, that jab to the gut and yet still be deliriously happy for my friends at the same time. I jokingly say I hate you right now, but I am so exquisitely happy for you. Of course, I don’t really hate someone for having something great happen to them.
But I was starting my morning on Facebook as soon as I woke up, trying to see what I missed, reading the “news feed” like the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
What’s going on? Who did what to whom? Whose life is falling apart? Who got married? Had a new baby? Moved away? Who’s in the hospital? Got a new job? Whose relationship status changed from single to complicated?
By the way, I was also ending my night the same way – all the scrolling before bed.
It was damaging my mental wellbeing.
I was on sensory overload. It was overwhelming, and definitely not in a good way. Going to Disney World and being “overwhelmed” by ‘okay, which ride do I ride first?’ is normal and a good overwhelm. You are like a kid in a candy store.
Social murder, though, not so much.
One other thing I must share, too, is the negative comments and even fights I would engage in with people on Facebook, ON MY OWN WALL!! People who do not engage with you EVER until you post something they disagree with. They don’t even wish you a Happy Birthday, yet they can disagree with you on something you have posted. And I know we have all experienced that one!
And so I blocked and/or unfriended them, because I will do it in a hot North Carolina minute!! Who needs that kind of negativity?
Who needs fake friends in an already toxic environment?
And let’s not even go there over politics on social media! Ugh! No place for it, imo.
But during my break I rediscovered myself. I rediscovered that I was just as valuable a person whether I had good things happening to me all the time or not. Or better yet, whether I posted about those good things or not.
I realized I am still worthy of good fortune, and that I am not less than because I don’t post happy pictures all the time of what is going on in my life.
Not being bothered with trying to keep up with everyone’s life has been so damn refreshing. I can tell you that there has been a peace that has come over me as opposed to before when I was trolling Facebook and other social media.
What do people get out of treating other people’s lives as news? Who CARES??????!!!
I have heard many times how people love to live vicariously through others. How absolutely pathetic! You have a life of your very own. So, try living vicariously through your own life. How about using that Facebook time to do things for yourself, WITHOUT feeling a need to “share” with the rest of the world?
And here is what has been filling up my time:
Watching more YouTube LOL Heck, is that any better?? LOLOL
Cooking more. I LOVE to cook!
Reading more interesting articles online.
Formulating a plan for the rest of my life.
Discovering that there are things I wish to try. Suddenly, I want to learn the violin!
I know COVID is still a bear, but I want to go to festivals and symphonies and other outings I wouldn’t normally do.
And yes, writing more. I have the concept for two new screenplays that actually have to do with social media. Stay tuned.
It has all been very productive. And again, I don’t miss social media.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll take more breaks from it. Or stay off it altogether … 🤔
Check out this song by Pet Shop Boys on the subject. Very telling.
It isn’t easy out there keeping up with the Joneses, as they say, on social media. But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it for this week, my friends. Come back next week when I discuss what does a New Year really mean to you.
Until then take care and be well! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR 2023!!!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Greetngs my friends! I hope all is well with you as we slide deeper into the holiday season, which can be a post in and of itself! 😊😉
Be forewarned: This may actually be more of a spiritual (not religious) post rather than a mental health one. But it is all good.
And as such, I am NOT pushing any spiritual or religious beliefs on anyone. We all believe what we believe, and that is definitely okay.
All right. So. Slight beginning rant. I have ALWAYS HATED it when someone tells me that I need to let something go. First of all, you don’t know me and my emotional needs. So, how dare you say that to me? I can say it to myself, but somebody else saying that to me actually irks me. It’s like I can talk about my mama, but you can’t -kind of thing.
And what does that even mean, letting go? Let it go. Let something go. For one, I think it depends on what that something is. As far as mental health issues are concerned, it is easier said than done to let it go. Some issues are extremely deep rooted and harder to “let go” than others.
And what are we letting go? Bitter feelings? Negative emotions? Negative feelings? A person? People? What people think? A job? A difficult circumstance? The past? A love relationship? Family? Bad memories? Stuck patterns? Outdated belief systems? Fear? Worry? Neediness? Dependence on others?
Phew. What a list! And as you can see, “letting go” of some of that stuff is, again, easier said than done.
I think when most people say to “let something go,” I think they mean letting go of the past. And they would be correct on that one. Don’t dwell on the NEGATIVE past, as I like to say. It keeps you stuck and in pain, and angry. I oughta know. Overall, that isn’t good for your mental or physical health. (And people don’t bother to tell you that part either.) Focus on the things that make you happy here in the present.
And again, NO ONE tells you that part either. They just tell you to “let it go” without any instruction or tips on how to do that. That’s why when you tell someone to let it go, then you had bloody well be prepared to follow through on running your mouth, especially if it has NOTHING to do with you personally, and give them advice on how to “let something go.”
And by the way, I think it is okay to have fond memories of a happier past. Sadly, we can’t just live there anymore.
Secondly, HOW do you let something go? Let’s be honest, as stated above, the people who say that shit, aren’t giving you not the first idea as to how to let that thing you are supposed to let go, go. (Did you get that?) 😊🤣😂
It’s just word salad to them.
So, let’s figure out this letting go thing together.
One thing I have learned more and more about letting go is actually surrendering whatever your thing is. Or simply surrendering period. It is not giving up, actually. To me it is allowing a space of peace to come inside of you as you release your whatever it is you are letting go. I like to call it rising above and moving forward.
As a matter of fact, I have other alternatives or word choices than just the bland “let it go” crap.
Move forward.
Releasing.
Rise above.
Elevate.
Move (or elevate) to a higher consciousness.
Detaching.
I prefer rising above and moving forward as opposed to letting go. Because at the end of the day, what it is that is bugging you, bothering you, ESPECIALLY if it has something to do with the past, you don’t have a choice but to move forward.
Another way of letting go or surrendering or moving forward is to just stop trying so hard, especially if it is something that you want really badly. Like money. Or a relationship. Or a new job. No one is saying don’t put forth the effort, but you can’t let it be a stranglehold around your neck, choking you.
I also believe in no longer waiting on something or someone. This goes back to detaching. This is another way to “let go” or surrender.
And this is where I am going to bring in the Universe.
How many of us have read and/or heard about just letting go and letting the Universe? Or letting go and letting God? But what does that really mean?
I look at it as resting. Just stop. Just be. Put whatever your intention is out there to God or YOUR Higher Power or the Universe or Your Loving Spiritual Companion – whatever you wish to call it. Hell, I actually like Cosmic Santa Claus LOLOL.
And keeping in mind, there are people who do not even believe in a God or a Higher Power. And that is definitely okay, too.
At any rate, you don’t do anything. Obviously, if it is something that requires you putting in the work, then you must do that. For example, you have a big test coming up. Well, you must study. You can’t just go into the exam cold without having done that. That isn’t how the Universe works.
But then there are also things that are out of our control, such as someone’s illness. In that case you don’t have a choice but to surrender the outcome to the above entities mentioned above. Or surrender period.
Now. Let’s talk money. Show me the money, honey. This is and has been my biggest challenge as an adult. Not having money. Having money and foolishly spending it. Waiting for money, i.e. waiting to be paid. Wishing for money. Wishing I had MORE money. I think you get the picture.
So, I have finally decided to “let go” of money. Or at least I am trying very hard to. What do I mean? I am not going to allow it to control me. I am going to put in the work to have the money through my jobs, work, etc. But I am also setting an intention that I want to make $5,000 a month, net. I want to also be paid weekly as one of my income streams. Again, I am putting in the work to achieve these goals, but after that I am letting the Universe do its thing. I am not going to worry about it any longer. I am not going to force anything.
Which brings me to another point. Forcing the outcome.
I have been reading about how forcing the outcome or appearing desperate to the Universe does no good. The Universe will only see it that way, and you will actually keep yourself from getting what you want. You will actually end up blocking yourself from getting what you truly want. So, you gotta relax. Remember the pic above of the little boy just chillin’ in the middle of the leaves? Yeah. That. 😉
For me, it is some of the above, PLUS letting go of relationships and money and people. Just detaching and rising above the neediness and the waiting and the longing for something good to happen to me.
In summation, if all else fails, just focus on something else. Something that makes you happy if you are still struggling to “let something go.” Immersing yourself into a project or a new job or doing outreach work or volunteering, works wonders. And it is nothing new to “throw yourself into” something else to get your mind off your troubles, as they say. 😊
We have talked a lot about spiritual things today and about letting go. However, as stated above “letting go” is a lot easier said than done. That is why if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it for this week. Come back when I deep dive into feeling abandoned by your own family and its effects on you mentally and emotionally. Until then, and as always, be safe and mentally well.
Sources:
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Season’s Greetings, Everyone! I do hope all is well with you, and you are surviving the holidays. Because, child, I know it can be tough during this time. So, big hugz to all of you!
So, this week I would like to talk about something that probably has affected all of us in some way. And that is feelings of abandonment during your childhood by your parents and/or caregivers. (Yep. Just in time for the holidays. Sorry.)
So, consider this your trigger warning!
I like to place myself in the middle of my blog posts. Because, after all, if I am not willing to display myself and my mental imbalances, then why even do this to begin with?
So, consider me shining a light on this subject, using myself as a guinea pig. 😉😁
I know we have all heard it before that everything goes back to childhood and to some extent it is true.
Me in D.C., one month away from my 2nd birthday
With that said, I will not bore you with all of the gory details. However, I will simply start by saying when I was 5 years of age, my mother and father allowed me to move away from them in Washington, D.C., to live in Wadesboro, North Carolina, with my grandparents and aunt – my father’s parents and sister.
Me with Snoopy in D.C.!
As you have probably read in previous posts, my family life was not the most ideal. Though to be fair, I was given everything a little black child could want or hope for, even a promise with a trip to Paris (and I don’t mean the Paris in Texas) hahaha!
So, I did have a blessed childhood in terms of presents and gifts and cash and birthday parties, and Christmases, etc.
Me in Kindergarten in Wadesboro, N.C.
Whenever my parents would leave the foreboding and intimidating confines of Washington, D.C., to arrive in Wadesboro for visits, and then would leave to return to D.C., there was that feeling of abandonment that would creep up inside me.
I can say this now, but I felt this deep ache in the pit of my stomach and soul whenever they left. I would feel so empty once they were gone. And I cried an ocean of tears.
Okay. So, fast forward to now and upon me reflecting, I am beginning to understand why I have feelings of rejection or rather, a FEAR of rejection. And how I tread very carefully, particularly in personal romantic relationships. I don’t want to get hurt. But then again who does?
People who feel abandoned may react in different ways. I totally react as a bitch towards people and mankind sometimes. Not gonna lie. I stay away. I detach. I stay off to myself. Perhaps it is because I don’t want to get hurt. Anymore.
Now, I am totally ripping from one of the articles below that I have chosen as a source, some of the emotional difficulties that are commonly experienced by adult children of abandoning/emotionally unavailable parents (caregivers):
Abusive relationships
Anxiety Disorders or symptoms
Attachment Disorders
Borderline Personality Disorder
Care-taking and Codependency
Chaotic Lifestyle
Clingy/needy behavior
Compulsive behaviors may develop
Depression
Desperate relationships/relationships that happen too fast
Disturbances of mood, cannot self-regulate and experiences emotions in extreme
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Lack of confidence, self-esteem issue
May be poor at self-soothing
People-pleasing behaviors to detriment of self.
Poor coping strategies
Promiscuity
Relationship problems
Trust issues
And I fit nearly all of them.
And in relationships, romantic or otherwise, when it all goes wrong, I ask myself “What did I do wrong? What have I done? How can I fix this?” I am sure that a lot of us have felt that way before.
And I sometimes I think why do I feel a need to put on a show in public and “act?” Is it because I want to be liked? Or loved? To get attention because I am still trying to get my parents’ attention, but seeking it elsewhere as an adult?
In truth, I was not abandoned. My mother felt it best that I live with my grandparents, because as she tells it now, she didn’t like how my father was treating me. She thought his approach to discipline was a bit heavy handed, so to speak, which I can definitely see. And she didn’t want him “beating on me all the time.” She, in essence, did it to save my life. And maybe that’s being a bit overly dramatic, but that is how I see it now.
Again, I am shining a light. I am not blaming.
Anyhoo, leaving a child can certainly make that child feel unwanted. And I can understand a bit what adopted children may feel, though I was not adopted. But in a way, yes, I suppose I was.
And yes, there were times when I didn’t feel wanted by either my parents or my grandparents. And that translated into, once again, personal relationships.
And not just romantic ones.
I have felt the rejection in friendships, as well.
You do what you can to bridge those gaps in friendships. You invite them places. They can’t go for whatever reason. All right. You call them. They don’t call back. You TEXT them. It takes them DAYS to respond if they respond at all.
You see pics on social media where they are at the bar. Or a restaurant. Or on a trip and a local one at that, and they didn’t invite you.
And speaking of the romantic relationships, potential or otherwise, lately it’s been “I don’t feel an attraction.” Or “I think we should just be friends.” And I’ve said it, too.
But I wonder if the through line is the feelings of abandonment and rejection I felt as a child?
I am going to answer in the affirmative for myself. I do link it back to childhood. Maybe if my parents had raised me, I would feel differently. But then again, if they didn’t pay me any attention, I probably would have still felt abandoned.
And I haven’t even tapped into the emotional abandonment. Well, that one came from my grandparents and aunt. Whenever I would act up or become seemingly too much to handle, my grandmother would retort “I wish your mama and daddy would take you back!”
So, there was the fear of abandonment. And that actually hurt me the most.
But then there were also the threats that my grandmother was going to leave. And as I now know, over my grandfather’s affairs. Child, 1002 Montgomery Street was a hot mess back in the day!! Please click on the link below to read that story:
I am not mad at my family or upset with them (anymore) LOLOL I am simply putting the pieces of the puzzle together so that when these negative feelings crop up again, and surely they will, I will know where they come from and how to deal with them in a mature manner.
Feeling abandoned can be extremely tough, especially during the holidays. And here I am writing about it at this time! But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it, everyone. Next week, I am going to talk about taking a break from social murder, I mean social media. 😉😊 Stay tuned! Until then, please be safe and have a wonderful, Merry whatever you celebrate or don’t, at this time of year, and Season’s Greetings, etc.!!
Sources (and great reads that go more in depth on the subject. Please read)!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I have decided that since it is Thanksgiving time, that I am going to keep it light and airy and post my top 25 things I am grateful for.
Thanksgiving shouldn’t be the only time to give thanks. I personally think you should give thanks on a daily basis.
As I have learned over the years, being grateful – I mean, honestly and truly grateful for what you already have, brings more into your life. It does work!
This post is designed to be short and sweet. So, we’ll see.
I am alive and healthy.
I have a warm, safe place to live.
I have plenty and I do mean PLENTY of food!
4. I have several friends I can talk to and count on.
5. I have strong, personal and spiritual connections with several people.
6. I have wheels! i.e. a workable, running, reliable car! Thanks to my brother!
7. I have work that I love and enjoy FINALLY!
8. I am so grateful for my blog and my readers!
9. I am so thankful and happy to be creative.
10. I am thankful that I write.
11. I am grateful for my work schedule that allows me LOTS of flexibility during my day and/or week.
12. I am so thankful for my favorite watering holes where I get to meet up with my friends and acquaintances and simply drink and chat.
13. I am grateful for being a Gen Xer and being my age!
14. I am grateful for old soap operas (that really help my mental wellness!)
15. I am grateful for The Golden Girls.
16. I am grateful for The Three Stooges.
17. I am grateful for I Love Lucy.
18. And I am truly thankful for the laughs that they provide.
19. As a matter of fact, I am so thankful for all the retro TV of my life and TV channels that provide them!!
20. I am thankful that I can play several musical instruments.
21. I am so thankful that I can cook for myself!
22. I am thankful for affirmations that help and guide me and keep me motivated and sane.
23. I am thankful for a loving Universe and Loving Spiritual Companion/Higher Power that guides me and keeps me safe and protects me.
24. I am thankful for gadgets, such as laptops, computers, phones, my own washer and dryer, etc. And they work! Thankfully!
25. And I am especially grateful for music in my life!!!
Please tell me what you are thankful for below in the comment section.
As I like to do with every post, I end with if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Please come back next week as I tackle really letting go – Universe style. Until then, as always be mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I would like to give a shout and credit to Ted Owens and Pro Church for the wonderful pics!!
Greetings my dearest friends! Welcome back! I do hope you are all doing well or as well as can be.
I hope to keep this short and sweet. Ha! That’s a hot one.
I really feel a need to discuss the current political climate in the wake of what is/has been going on.
This is intended to be a rant/stream of consciousness post.
As of this writing, the November 8 election has already taken place.
And I am proud to say that the “Red Wave” wasn’t a wave. More like a drizzle. 🤣🤣🤣
The Democrats are maintaining control of the Senate. The House is controlled by the Republicans (unfortunately), meaning Speaker Nancy Pelosi will have to step down and hand the gavel over to Rep. Kevin McCarthy. Ugh!
But I want to talk about how all this political garbage – and it is GARBAGE – starting way back when a certain reality TV star rose to the Highest Office in the Land and thoroughly mucked it up. Starting in 2016 on that dreary particular November night, this country lost its soul. It really did. And we haven’t gotten it back since, even with President Biden being in office.
So, hang on, because I am not going to sugar coat things. I am going to get VERY political, and I don’t mind stating off the bat that I am true blue, if you know what I mean.
This post is really coming from a mental health standpoint.
This country has descended into absolute madness over this shit.
The most recent is the attack on Paul Pelosi, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi’s husband. And yes, we all know now that it was politically motivated. I don’t need to go into all the details about it, but just a quick recap, a rather unhinged trump supporter (oxymoron), somehow got into the Pelosi home and attacked Paul. With a hammer. This individual kept shouting “Where’s Nancy?” over and over and again. He arrived with zip ties with an intent to take Nancy hostage and break her kneecaps. Yes. You heard that right. Anyway, fortunately, Paul was able to get on the phone with 911 and contact the police. They arrived and caught this nut, and Mr. Pelosi was taken to the hospital and is now recovering, thankfully.
So, is this where we are in the grand old USA? We are now physically attacking politicians who do not agree with us? We are now inciting violence and threatening people? The Republinuts are showing up at polling places with GUNS (and knives) to intimidate voters?? And this is all coming from the so-called “right,” the MAGA Republican Party.
This MAGA nonsense is like a cancer in the soul of this country. I am sorry – not sorry – but when you have to lie and cheat and threaten and attempt to steal an election and demand a recounting of votes over and over and OVER AGAIN, claiming that the election was stolen from you, when you know doggone well you lost, you need therapy like yesterday. You need to seek help and free yourself from this CULT, because that is what it is. You have truly lost your mind.
There are people in this country, right now, who are literally frightened for their lives because of this mess. People of color, the LGBTQ community, Jewish people, women, etc. who feel that they do not have standing or a voice or security or safety in this country anymore. It is truly a horrible time, in my opinion, to live here. The level of hatred in this country is mindboggling and sick.
I am quite frankly sick of seeing and hearing about certain politicians and former so-called politicians. They are doing NOTHING (well, that too) but inciting this propaganda and rhetoric and instigating this cult mentality.
And speaking of cults, I wrote extensively about them back in the spring. Please click on the link here:
To me, that is exactly what is going on. I feel we are in the age of a cult mentality in politics where it is all or nothing at all, do or literally die. Follow one leader blindly no matter what he or she says or does. No right anymore. Just a whole bunch of wrong. And that is such a dangerous way to live. To say that our democracy here is at stake is definitely an understatement.
And how has this affected me (and others as I am learning)?
My hostility has risen.
My trust of others has taken a deep dive.
I have lost longtime friendships over this.
I am fearful. A bit. But really I am more angry that this sort of thing has been allowed to continue with hardly any repercussions.
I have become more political than I ever have in my life!!!
So, let me actually start with number 5, becoming more “political.” For all of my life up until 2016, I never paid that much attention to politics. I did vote, but I was like whatever. I sort of half paid attention to the presidents throughout my lifetime. I paid more attention as an adult as I started voting on what their issues were, etc. But until #45, past presidents weren’t talking hate or nonsense or utter foolishness. Not to mention they knew what they were doing and how to run office!!! They were not being divisive until 45. Bush was a total idiot, don’t get me wrong, I was never afraid for my personal safety as a result of him being in office. I wasn’t fearful until 45. It was like seeing the Rise of Hitler all over again. I swear to God after that thing, that malignancy was elected, I was afraid to even leave my house at first. I have NEVER felt that way in my life ever!!! Afraid to leave my house?? Hell no!
But back to being more politically aware. I became aware that yes, apparently democracy IS a fragile thing. That I should REALLY pay attention to EVERY candidate. Pay attention to what I believe in. Pay attention to what is being said. And definitely get out and vote!!
And perhaps that is the lesson from all of this. Or at least part of the lesson. Voting and being aware that freedoms over in the Grand Ole U.S. of A can be taken away.
But I am sure those of you reading this are just as sick and tired of all of this as I am. Will we ever get back to normal? Probably not, unfortunately.
When politics becomes a mental illness in and of itself or you are starting to become mentally imbalanced because of politics – just like religion – that is a problem. A huge problem.
Better yet, when it becomes an out and out CULT, that is a serious problem and HUGE red flag.
And dangerous. Don’t forget dangerous. With the political violence and the threats and the armed nutjobs at polling stations. When is enough enough?????
And who storms the U.S. Capitol of the United States???? Was it worth it? Was it really? I think not.
But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it for today, my friends. Come back next time as I keep it light and airy and delve into my 25 things I am grateful for, since it will be the Thanksgiving holiday. Until then, please be safe and mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hi this is your boy/girl Derek back with another dope post on mental imbalance. (Pardon my attempt to sound hip. 😉) I hope you are all taking care of yourselves, both mentally and physically.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I dove into the fascination with serial killers, horror movies, and the true crime genre. See link below:
This week I am deep diving into families. But more specifically, how family secrets and turmoil can destroy your psyche and mental wellness.
I am just going to go there and state my own personal story. So hang on for a wild, yet possibly familiar, ride.
When I was about 20 years of age back in 1987 and home for summer break from UNC, my grandmother sat me down and told me the truth of what had been going on in our household for decades and, yes, since I was a child. What she would reveal would be so shocking and disturbing that it would destroy me and push me into indescribable anguish, torment, and mental illness.
This story actually goes back to the 70s. So, we shall start there.
I was absolutely fascinated that my grandfather worked at McLeod Plywood & Company in Wadesboro, North Carolina. For some unknown reason, I referred to it as “the box factory.” So, as a child I would go around saying that my grandfather worked down at “the box factory.”
So, natch, I was thrilled when my grandfather would take me there. And I believe he only took me there maybe once or twice, and I met several of his coworkers, including a woman named Millie Rae Johnson. Mille Rae seemed nice enough. I remember her having very dark skin and wearing thick, coke-bottle type glasses.
Well flashforward to the late 70s/early 80s. I ended up going to school with a kid named Zane Johnson starting in 6th grade in 1978. Zane was pretty quiet, but nice. I liked him, and that isn’t an easy thing for me to say about anyone I went to school with back then, especially anyone from the 6th grade. Let’s just say 6th grade was particularly tough for me.
Anyhoo, Zane and I would go on to become friends and classmates throughout junior high and high school, and we graduated together. As a matter of fact, we shared several A.P. (advanced placement) classes, especially in high school.
Now along comes Jason Johnson. (As you will see the Johnson name fits quite prominently in this story). I do remember Jason from junior high because of band. Jason also played the trumpet like me. And Jason was one grade above both me and Zane. And it turns out that Zane, though one year younger, was actually Jason’s uncle. 😱 Hey, it happens. Oh. And Mille Rae Johnson was Jason’s mother. I never knew how Zane was related to Millie Rae, though.
By the time we all got to high school, Jason and I began to get closer because of our shared band and trumpet connection. And by my junior year/Jason’s senior year, we were pretty tight. We shared so many laughs out on that marching field in Wildermuth Stadium, which figures prominently in today’s story, too. We played next to one another as a matter of fact. One of Jason’s favorite phrases was “the Gap Band” referencing the huge gaps in the clarinet section during practice when they weren’t getting the moves right. 😂🤣
Me in one of our MANY parades in Wadesboro.
But I digress.
And finally to cement this little picture that I am setting up, enter little Alexander. Now, Alexander was actually Jason’s younger brother and, therefore, also nephew to Zane, my classmate and the younger son of Millie Rae. And Alexander was one year behind me and Zane. So, at one point in both junior high and high school, all four of us were in school together. Me, Jason, Zane, and Alexander.
Did you get all of that? Okay. On with the rest of the story.
While I was close with both Zane and Jason, I wasn’t close at all with Alexander. As a matter of fact, I found Alexander a bit odd, especially his behaviour towards me. He didn’t call me the homophobic names the other kids had called me. I mean, he may have behind my back. But he just seemed to always try and ingratiate his way into my life, well at school anyway. Whenever I was around Zane and/or Jason, Alexander would sort of saddle up to me and try and have a conversation, but he always seemed rather glib, as if he knew something I didn’t. And boy would that turn out to be true.
The strangest of the strange came when Zane and I graduated from low school in 1985. It was tradition that the graduation ceremony was to be held in Wildermuth Stadium where we played all of our home games. And it was a very, VERY nice stadium! Huge! And I was looking forward to it. However, it rained, and the ceremony had to be moved to the gymnasium at the last minute. (One of the many reasons why I loathe rain to this day).
In the event of inclement weather, each graduate had only four tickets to use, because our gym wasn’t going to hold everyone whereas the stadium would. And my grandfather, aunt, mother, father and brother were in attendance. (Grandmother didn’t attend because of problems with her legs and her fear of climbing those stadium steps). But that would still mean one of my family in attendance wouldn’t be able to see me graduate. Damn! All those years of torture in school and someone was going to miss me getting the hell outta there. FINALLY!
However, everyone was able to see me graduate that night, because Alexander gave his ticket to my grandfather, which I thought was thoughtful, yet strange. Why would he do that? He didn’t know my grandfather did he? Well, I suppose so since he was Millie Rae’s son. I suppose they met that way. But didn’t that mean he would also miss out on seeing his Uncle Zane graduate?
So, now that I have set up the backstory, flashforward back to that dreadful summer of 1987, when my grandmother – as the Gap Band song suggests – “dropped a bomb on me.” She told me to get my senior yearbook, which I did, because she had something to tell me. I got the yearbook, and she told me to turn to the page that had Alexander on it. And so I did, but I had to ask why. My grandmother said something that would forever rock me to my core:
MY GRANDDADDY WAS ALEXANDER’S FATHER!!!
PAUSE. CRICKET. CRICKET. CHIRP. CHIRP.
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID SHE JUST SAY????
“Whaddya deaf? I heard her from here!” (Golden Girls’ Sophia quote 😂😂)
My grandfather was actually Alexander’s biological father. Not only that, but there was a girl named Maddie, too, that was his daughter. I couldn’t believe what my grandmother was saying to me.
And Millie Rae, his coworker, was the mama, which meant my grandfather had had an affair with this woman, his coworker!!
My grandfather, who raised me, had been having affairs behind my grandmother’s back for YEARS!! And I never knew it.
When my grandmother found out all of this, she was LIVID naturally! As a matter of fact, she told me about a confrontation she had with this Mille Rae person on a shopping trip to Belk’s uptown Wadesboro. My Aunt Eva was with her at the time and from what I understand, she had to hold my grandmother back, if you catch my drift. LOLOLOL
Part of the hilarious exchange between the two, that my grandmother always told me, went something like this:
Millie Rae: You got any proof! You got any proof! [That the children are my grandfather Frank’s].
Costella: Yeah, them bastards you have to look at!
Ouch! My grandmother didn’t play, honey! 😂😂😂
Afterwards, it all made sense. The fights between my grandparents. (She went after him with a butcher knife, she threw hot water on him, and she went after him with a broom)!! The strange things that were said in that house, i.e. my aunt saying “if I ever see her in that car, I’ll snatch her out of it myself!” So, it turns out that this mystery woman who was going to get snatched was Millie Rae!
You see watching my grandparents go at it like it was the Friday night fights made me think growing up that that is what you do in a relationship, and so when I was older and in personal romantic relationships, that is what I did: I yelled and screamed. I resorted to harsh words, sarcasm, manipulation, and even physical violence! I was horrible. And I know that now. But I learned it at home.
Also, when I was a child and my grandfather and I would go somewhere together, upon our return, my grandmother always asked me “Did he take you to his girlfriend’s house?” I always thought she was joking. She always said funny stuff. But apparently she was NOT joking about this.
She even went on to describe in painful detail how he had inflicted her with syphilis on at least three different occasions!!! Dear GOD IN HEAVEN!! Perhaps a nearly 20-year-old me shouldn’t have been told any of this, but it was like watching my very own soap opera unfold in my own house right in front of me!!
Anyhoo, after my grandmother’s confession, I felt sick and stunned. And angry. Very, very angry with my grandfather. Putting all the pieces together, I realized why my grandmother was always on edge and fearful and anxious. And well, angry towards my grandfather. I always found it quite strange that she would just blow up at him for no reason. Well, now I knew the reason.
I hated my grandfather after that. I mean, there were other reasons to hate him before for the way he had treated me over the years. But this was the straw that finally broke the proverbial camel’s back, so to speak.
I felt betrayed. I felt that my life was a lie at this point. Though he was a mean sonofagun, I thought my grandfather was righteous, at least in his own way, and that he wasn’t capable of infidelity. Boy, was I wrong. I mean, he was the deacon of our church, and he kept his Bible open at his place at the table. Always.
And so, this was the beginning of me turning against religion. That fall of 1987, I left that horrible cult I was in. But it didn’t end there. (Please see the links to those posts below).
And I know. I know. “But it isn’t religion’s fault.” No, it isn’t. But I get so sick and tired of hearing how pious people are or try to act, and they have these skeletons in their closet. Just come out and admit you are human and, therefore, fallible like the rest of us. You are NOT God or Jesus or Buddha, etc.!!!
Starting in 1989, I came out. But I also began to dissociate from myself. I “split” into other selves much like Viki did on One Life to Live upon finding out about her father’s sins. I was a walking Three Faces of Eve and Sybil all rolled into one. And it was in 1989, that I started going out to the gay bars and calling myself Nick or Daryl.
My alters came about as a coping mechanism. I also drank a lot back then after finding out the truth.
I was a mess.
But I know that I am not the only one, because it happens when you believe your family life is one way when it is entirely different.
My grandfather would NEVER come out and admit to me what he actually did. It all came from my grandmother, whom I suspect could not take it any longer. You see all my grandfather would say to me about it is “I know I did wrong. But my family never suffered.” The hell we didn’t!!!! My grandfather’s double life caused such horrendous STRESS in our household. My grandfather’s sick secret damaged the mental wellbeing of our entire family, particularly my grandmother, my aunt, and me.
My grandmother was depressed. A lot. She seemed to be fine one minute and the next, she seemed to be quite the Debbie Downer. I often felt that she was just miserable, and I never knew why. I take that back. I even sensed as a child that my grandmother was unhappy because of my grandfather. And now I know exactly why.
My aunt to this day cannot handle the truth of what my grandfather did. She refuses to acknowledge it or even discuss it.
My father decided that he wanted to speak with his baby sister, the illegitimate one. So, he obtained her number somehow and contacted her. They met and had lunch or whatever, and I believe, according to my mother, met one more time because I think she and my brother were there. And according to my mother, it was a disaster because my father ran his mouth about all kinds of stupid, unrelated things. After that, my new aunt never contacted him again, and my mother believes it was because of him.
My aunt got on the phone with me one Sunday and told me about my father’s meeting with this girl, etc., and she just was NOT having it. She kept going on and on about why my father felt a need to dredge up the past. Apparently, both the son and the daughter came to the house in Wadesboro wayyyy back in the day, and my aunt threw them out. Oh and another thing, the story now goes that Alexander was NOT my grandfather’s child and, therefore, not my uncle. I find that hard to swallow, because when my grandmother pointed him out in my high school yearbook, she noted the resemblance to my grandfather, which was undeniable, in my opinion.
Living in that house, I thought the reason why everyone was so angry and miserable was MY fault. THIS IS ANOTHER ASPECT OF HOW SICK FAMILY SECRETS CAN AFFECT YOU!! You blame yourself.
My point is that keeping such secrets can make YOU feel sick. You feel out of your body, which is exactly what I felt back then, which led to me splitting off from myself.
And I am using this platform to tell all, because I am not protecting anyone’s secrets anymore, meaning my family’s. This is not about revenge, but to tell how this affected me and how it can affect all involved.
My grandparents are now dead, and I am sure those of you reading this are asking why bring this up now? My need to bring this to light is, again, NOT about revenge, but about healing. Mine. And my family’s. This revelation hurt me and my family in more ways than you can even imagine.
My overall point, if I haven’t driven it home by now, is that family secrets do NOTHING but hurt all involved. Discuss it. Talk about it. Admit you are wrong if you are the culprit behind or harboring a huge family secret.
And let me just say in summary about my situation, that if my grandfather had been totally transparent, I could have gotten to know my new uncle and new aunt. We could have all had a wonderful relationship all these years, but I was robbed of that chance. Could I contact them now? I could. But I really don’t see the point now. I don’t know. Maybe too much time has passed. Or maybe one day I will.
I have struggled all these years to forgive my grandfather, but it is very hard to do so because of the collateral damage.
I am totally ripping from the below article/source 5 Reasons Why Keeping Family Secrets Could Be Harmful. OMG! I fit every single one!!! Please read! As well as 7 Dangers of Keeping Family Secrets.
If you see yourself in this very revealing article, please don’t suffer alone. If you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Thank you so much for joining me on this very personal journey. I will be back next week with another article, about politics. YIKES! But in the meantime, as always, be safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
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