My friends, hello and greetings and salutations! Thank you for joining me on my 5th and final part of my series on religion and its effects on mental health and wellbeing.
Thus far, in case you missed it, I have given you, basically, the good , the bad, and the ugly about organized religion. Please see below what you have missed, thus far, in previous posts on the subject:
I shall endeavor to make this final part short and sweet! Actually, I could go on and on AND ON for days on this topic.
I do not have a particular subject for this one. This is more of a summation. I hope I have shown you, if nothing else, the effects that organized religion can have on mental health and wellness overall.
I think one thing I forgot to say, and make VERY abundantly clear, is that if a particular religion makes you feel bad or messes with your head in a very negative way, then I would absolutely question that religion. Others may disagree. In my case, it WORSENED my already existing OCD, which I didn’t know at the time.
Also, when organized religion is in the hands of the wrong people who use that religion to hurt people, then that is very toxic and potentially even dangerous. Religion should make you feel GOOD and uplifted. And it should never, ever be used as a weapon to belittle or hurt others.
For example, judging people for their looks or what they wear or their hairstyle or how they choose to live their life, especially when they are not hurting anyone.
Reminds me of the song Prince wrote for Patti Labelle entitled “Love 89,” that adequately covers what I am trying to convey. Check it out:
I also do not think religion should be used to run a town, city, government, or a country. No matter what anyone’s religious beliefs are, religion should stay out of government and politics. However, we are seeing the rise of right-wing Christian extremism in this country, for example. Funny, how we are not seeing a rise in Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist extremist ideology in the U.S.
Everyone does not believe the same, obviously, and to say that a nation should allow the government or governing bodies to be run based only on any religious doctrine is insane. You cannot and should not force someone to believe what you believe.
To me, that is a mental illness when you believe you have the right to do so.
Organized religion in the hands of the uneducated and the powerful can be an extremely toxic and even deadly thing. But don’t take my word for it. Just research history.
This series was in no way designed to get ANYONE to drop their religious beliefs. However, one should, again, think that if there is ever a moment when you feel your religious beliefs are harmful to you or to anyone else, perhaps you should rethink them.
I would offer this to any religious and/or devout person:
First of all, you don’t need a religion to make you a good person. Read that again and take all the time you need.
Secondly, just because you consider yourself a religious and/or devout person does NOT make you a good person. By all means read that again, and take all the time you need.
In MY opinion, if you as a religious person are not trying to help make this world a better place for someone, and you are just proselytizing and breathing fire and brimstone, and you are just seeking heaven’s gate, no pun intended, then I do not believe your beliefs are worth much. We need your SERVICE not your LIP SERVICE!
And for goodness’ sakes, please do not use your religion to hurt, belittle or denigrate anyone! The lasting effects on someone’s mind and psyche can be quite harmful, destructive, and devastating!
And abortion and the LGBTQ community is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Yes, I went there! And speaking of homosexuality –
Another “rant” on homosexuality and religion. It is unconscionable the negative effects on mental health and the psyche that religion and PEOPLE professing certain organized religions have to say on the subject. I am talking words, tenets and beliefs that have hurt the LGBTQ community and quite honestly have caused MANY of my LGBTQ and nonbinary brothers and sisters to self harm and even to commit suicide. Once again, WORDS MATTER! And this kind of destructive hate towards the LGBTQ in the name of religion and/or God, etc., is EXTREMELY HARMFUL AND TOXIC AND ABHORRENT!
After all, homosexuality is certainly nothing new. Just do a little research and history, and you will see that it was the “Christians” who came along and ruined an otherwise natural – YES, NATURAL – comingling of men with other men, and women with other women.
And if there are any of you who are struggling with your homosexuality or bisexuality, etc., AND your religious beliefs, I want you to know and understand that your feelings are VALID. And you should NEVER feel ashamed for who and what you are, regardless of how you were raised or any religious doctrine. I am not your Higher Power or God or any of that, but believe me, I’ve been through all of this when I was in my own cult of hell. And do not suffer the way I did, mentally and emotionally, over the “taboo” subject of homosexuality and the Church. You are how your Higher Power made you. And in my opinion, NO RELIGION IS WORTH YOUR SANITY! Enough said.
Okay. NOW I’m done with my rant. 😊
I do realize this could be a multi-part series in and of itself – homosexuality and religion or homosexuality VERSUS religion or however you wish to look at it. Perhaps down the road.
As I close out this series, remember if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
So, to answer the original question of is religion helpful or harmful and toxic – I think it can be both, if not handled properly.
And that wraps up my series on religion and mental health. Please feel free to leave me a comment below. So, come back next week as I discuss what happens when you unjustly label someone. Until then, and as always, be mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my friends! Are you ready for Part 4 of our favorite topic – religion??? Stay tuned …
TRIGGER WARNING!! Part 4 is going to REALLY deep dive into the very TOXIC and DARK side of religion. The stories and some images you may find disturbing. As a matter of fact, I am going to be quite transparent: This part was so disturbing for me, that that is part of the reason why it has taken me so long to post part 4. This literally makes me sick to my stomach.
But I digress. So, far I have given you Parts 1 and 2 of my experience with organized religion.
But before we begin, I wish to also add that it isn’t religion’s fault (though some tenets of religion appear to be stricter than others). It is the PEOPLE, who follow these particular religions and who take them to the EXTREME.
And yes, one of the most harmful ways that religion can be toxic is if it goes into extremism, i.e. when it turns into a cult. Or you feel frightened to do or say anything for fear it will upset your God and send you to hell. Or when you feel that your religion is the only and correct way to God. Or you think God wants you to do something horrible for his love. Or heaven forbid, you feel the need to hurt yourself or others. Killing in the name of religion is just pure sick.
Get ready, because we are going to deep dive into religious CULTS!!
Cults – Jacked Up Jonestown
Jim Jones – I shall not call him Reverend! – circa 1977
And I am going to start with something from the past that I have always found truly disturbing: The Guyana Jones Tragedy.
The first movie – that I remember – on the subject was released in 1980, starring James Earl Jones and Powers Boothe as Jim Jones.
I remember it in real time. And it started with one of my 6th grade teachers, Mr. Smith, way back in November of 1978 who, in graphic detail, described the events that surrounded the actual mass suicide. If you have never heard of any of this, then let me back up.
His name was Jim Jones. He started off as a small-time minister in Indiana.
It didn’t take long before his ministry grew, and quite large, too.
He was very charismatic, to say the least. Now, as a child I do remember hearing about him in the news, but I don’t recall being alarmed about him. It wasn’t until he moved his entire church to Guyana in South America, where things began to take a decidedly dark and deadly turn.
Some of the bodies from the mass suicide.
Jim Jones built his temple in Guyana and named it Jonestown, of course. These people were made to work hard to build this temple and keep it going.
Rumors began circulating of Jones physically, mentally and even sexually abusing his parishioners. I am telling you these people would do ANYTHING for him.
Things only got worse from there as he dissolved all the marriages in Jonestown. Some people thought this was okay; others did not. Anyone who resisted were severely punished. And Jones took advantage of this by having sex with some of the women, even impregnating some of them.
But it didn’t end there. He also had relationships with some of the men, too.
News of this traveled around the world, and we began to see all of this unfold.
In November of 1978 , Senator Leo Ryan from California and newscasters went to see all of this for themselves.
They questioned Jones and some of his parishioners, who claimed that everything was fine. They did offer the parishioners an opportunity to return with them if they were not happy or if they were being mistreated in any way. And some of them took them up on their offer.
This did NOT sit well with Jones. So, he did the unthinkable. He ordered them killed as they were leaving, including Senator Ryan. Some of his men went to the airfield just as Senator Ryan and others were about to board their plane and shot and killed them, including those who wished to return with them.
But that wasn’t the end of it. He ordered the rest of his parishioners to drink poisoned Kool-Aid to end their lives and meet him in Glory. And they did.
And this is where the phrase “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid” or so and so “Drank the Kool-Aid” comes from. Now you know.
And my 6th grade teacher, Mr. Smith, told us horrible tales that day in class surrounding this. He even told us of a little boy who refused to drink the Kool-Aid. He was beaten until he threw up, and he was forced to eat his own vomit. I have no idea how Mr. Smith would even know something like that. But let’s just say that that day in class, I was thoroughly shocked and disgusted.
Cults – Hellish Heaven’s Gate
Marshall Applewhite
And do you remember the outer space cult where that weirdo said that some spaceship was coming to get the members? And they, too, drank some sort of poison and laid down in their beds to die and wait for said spaceship?
Quick backstory: Back in the 1970s, Marshall Applewhite was a music professor, who allegedly engaged in a homosexual affair with a student. He was fired.
It was after this that he met Sharon Nettles, whom he had a strong connection with, and whom he later stated was his platonic soulmate.
They even eventually ended up living together, that is after she left her husband and children.
They bonded over their shared belief in UFOs, spirituality, and the New Age movement.
Soon, Applewhite began spreading his beliefs with Nettles by his side.
It was long after that they felt they were two witnesses mentioned in the Bible in Revelations. (I am assuming they believed they were two of the 144 witnesses mentioned, but I digress).
Before long, they also believed that they were Supreme Beings – aliens. They even changed their names: Applewhite became Do and Nettles became Ti.
As most cults do, his following grew – to about 100.
In 1983, Nettles passed away.
Applewhite explained this as her passing on to the Next Level, and that she had ascended to a spaceship and received a new body and that he and his followers would do the same. He “symbolically married” his followers, and later stated that they were to look at him as Jesus Christ.
Flashforward into the 90s, where Applewhite’s group took on several changes, including surgical castration as Applewhite believed that sexuality bound beings to their bodies and kept them from ascending to the Next Level. He also made his followers adopt short haircuts and unisex clothing to reinforce a nonsexual identity.
In October of 1996, Applewhite and his followers rented a mansion in California. They learned that the Comet Hale-Bopp was soon approaching. Applewhite believed that Nettles was aboard a spacecraft that was following the comet, and her plan was to meet up with them.
In March of 1997, Applewhite and his followers began recording, essentially, goodbye videos in which their intention was to commit suicide in order to join the passing comet.
Most members took alcohol laced with barbiturates and then placed bags over their heads.
They wore Nike shoes (said to be Applewhite’s favorite shoe) and black uniforms with patches that read “Heaven’s Gate Away Team.”
A bag that contained a few dollars and a form of identification was placed beside most bodies.
The deaths occurred over three days; Applewhite was one of the last four to die. Three assistants helped him commit suicide, then killed themselves.
Cults – Wacky Waco
David Koresh
And let’s not forget Waco, Texas. And Vernon Wayne Howell, aka David Koresh.
In 1981, Vernon Wayne Howell moved to Waco, Texas, after being thrown out of his church congregation for trying to convince the pastor of his church in Houston that God wanted him to have his daughter for a wife.
In Waco, he joined the Branch Davidians, a religious movement founded in 1955 by Benjamin Roden.
In 1983, Howell claimed the gift of prophecy. He also stated that God wanted him to father a child with Lois Roden, whose deceased husband Benjamin had been the leader of the cult. Lois was in her late 60s.
In 1990, Howell legally changed his name to David Koresh.
As with all cult leaders, he began to state that he was some sort of Messiah. In Koresh’s case, he thought of his himself as a spiritual descendent of King David from the Bible.
Koresh was able to establish his headquarters at the Mount Carmel Center after a rather lengthy and strange battle with George Roden, the son of Benajmin & Lois Roden.
In the early 1990s, allegations of sexual and physical abuse of children began.
Much like Jim Jones a decade plus before him, Koresh dissolved marriages and began having sex with the women, including underage girls, although he was legally married to Rachel Jones – and impregnating them.
He forced the men to be celibate while engaging in sexual activity with their wives.
It was reported that Koresh had fathered over 13 children, several with underage girls.
A siege began on February 28, 1993, when over 70 agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms came to the compound to inspect under suspicion of illegal arms and weapons.
A shootout ensued.
A fire was started – allegedly by Koresh – which caused the compound to burn to the ground.
Koresh was shot and killed. It is reported he died by his own hand.
Over 20 people perished in the compound, including women and children, mostly by gunshots.
Sexual Abuse in the Church
And don’t get me started on the sexual abuse that has occurred in the Catholic Church with priests and young boys and girls! Heck, the Catholic Church isn’t the only one.
I am reminded of the story of a former friend who was sexually propositioned by her preacher when she just 13 years old!!
And you have already read for yourself the sexual abuse in the cults listed above.
And again, it is not just the Catholic Church. The following is taken from an NPR broadcast of Terry Gross this year – 2022 – about a scandal in the Southern Baptist Church:
“This is FRESH AIR. I’m Terry Gross. A sexual abuse scandal has shaken up the Southern Baptist Church. A report issued just over a week ago confirmed that survivors who came forward alleging they were sexually abused by church leaders, ministers, workers and volunteers were ignored or silenced by church leadership and often disparaged. Meanwhile, the church kept a secret list of over 700 offenders. The list was even kept secret from most of the church’s leaders. This new report was commissioned by the Southern Baptist Convention in response to a series of articles investigating widespread sexual abuse in the church. The series titled “Abuse Of Faith” was published in 2019 after a six-month investigation by a team of reporters from the Houston Chronicle and the San Antonio Express-News, a team headed by John Tedesco and my guest Robert Downen, a reporter for the Houston Chronicle. “
My Religious Grandfatherand His Effect on My Mental Health
I have already talked about my experiences with religion in college. Well, I need to go even further back than that.
So, I was forced to go to church growing up. Sorry, but there is no other way to put it. For as long as I can remember living with my grandparents and aunt, I went to church every Sunday in some form or fashion. I revealed an old saying in Part 1 that my grandmother would always say – “As long as you live in this house, you are going to church.” And I did.
Where does my grandfather fit into all of this? Well, he would have his Bible wide open at his spot at the kitchen table. Good thing, right? Sure if that is your thing. However, I considered my grandfather to be the meanest thing walking!!
Oh my God where do I start:
He belittled me at every turn.
His favorite phrase to my grandmother was “that boy is going to be sorry when he grows up,” meaning I was going to amount to nothing.
When I got my license, he grew tired of driving grandmother to get groceries. So, his new favorite phrase was “why don’t you get your grandson to take you?”
Speaking of licenses and driving, he made it a pure nightmare when he taught me. He made me so frightened to even drive. It took me a while before I was truly comfortable behind the wheel. Talk about being a backseat driver!!
But all of the above is nothing compared to the fact that my grandmother revealed in 1987 that he had had an affair with one of his coworkers that produced not one but TWO children, one of which I went to school with and didn’t even know it!
She also revealed the fact that he gave her syphilis and had had other affairs!!
And I could go on and on and on and ON! My point is that for someone who was the deacon of our church – DEACON! – and so religious and God fearing, he was a mean, nasty, cheating son-of-a-gun. (And I haven’t even delved into his plotting against me!) And my other major point is that he made me feel unloved and unheard. I felt as if I was this thing that he tolerated and that I was bothering and inconveniencing him, which caused my self-esteem to plummet. He made me feel small and less than.
And to this day, I STILL feel at times that I am inconveniencing people or that I am unheard, like nobody is listening to me. Or that I do not matter. Wahhhhh! I know sob story. No not at all. I am definitely looking for no sympathy. It is what it is. Because I know I am a goddamn beautiful DIVA!!! 💕
Homosexuality
Well, you can just forget about any religion accepting same-sex relationships. In pretty much all of them, it is forbidden, taboo, and considered sinful – despite the fact that homosexuality is found in the animal kingdom!! Also, based on most religions, homosexuality is considered “unnatural.” Yeah, try convincing the typical homosexual, bisexual or lesbian of that.
For some reason, homosexuality has been considered THE greatest sin. To this day, I have no idea why homosexuality is often preached against and talked about when it comes to religion. Funny how we hardly hear anyone preaching from a pulpit the evils of child molestation or abuse, despite mounting and voluminous evidence of seeing it, especially in the Catholic Church. Just sayin’.
The Effects of Organized Religion on Mental Health
In a great number of organized religions, human beings are thought of as being sinful, evil, good-for-nothing creatures with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, except to follow and practice said religion and worship said God. Over time, this could cause some individuals to feel like they are unworthy, have poor body images, and extremely low self-esteem. And this was definitely part of my problem.
Sometimes practicing a particular religion can lead to obsession, anxiety and depression. In my case, it was true. I was always worried about going to hell. I became obsessed with mental thoughts that popped into my head about the Holy Spirit and my fear that I had blasphemed against it. I also know for a fact that I was depressed in some way because of these fears and obsessions.
Other examples of negative effects of religion:
Some other often overlooked negative effects of religion could include being more judgmental of others and stacking them up against your own religious views.
There is a possibility of having a more myopic view of others. In other words, through your judgmental religious lens, you are more likely to see things as just black and white, without seeing the gray areas in certain things, i.e. being narrowminded.
And there is the possibility of not empathizing with other people, because of your narrow religious view.
And the damage done by horrible religious experiences can be long lasting and quite devastating. Reports have shown that some people from strict religious backgrounds are suicidal. Others turn to drugs and/or alcohol and even sexual promiscuity to cope with the demons – no pun intended – from being a part of a religious household or cult.
I split into several identities to help me cope.
The Results of being in a Toxic Church
Also, in some religions, it is a God all or nothing at all. In other words, EVERYTHING must be geared towards that religion and its God. Nothing secular allowed – from music to television shows to the way you dress. And just forget about having sex, unless it is within the boundaries of marriage – between a man and a woman, of course. I don’t know about other religions, per se, but I can tell you that this is extreme Christianity right here.
Some of the resulting damage from being involved in a toxic church is the view that you think you need to separate yourself from others because you believe you are too good to be around them. In other words, the whole “you are of this world and, therefore, a sinner and you are not good enough to be around me.”
Rebellion and Exodus from Organized Religion
There are reports and studies that show that people raised in extremely religious homes, rebel against their upbringing, because it was too strict. I have a friend who is the same age as I, whose father was a minister. And in their household, they were not even allowed to have a TV! They couldn’t listen to secular music (sound familiar?). And his mother could not wear pants or makeup!!
When his father died, the mother immediately went out and bought a television set, makeup, and pants! LOL
Well, that is going to do it for this rather difficult topic. I do hope if you are a person who is a former or even current religious person, that you have not been too triggered. And if so, always remember that there is help for you. Please click on and follow the link below:
Next time, I will conclude all of this with a 5th and final part to this ongoing saga. Feel free to leave me comments down below. And until then, and as always, please be mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello, my dear Mind Benders! Welcome back for Part 3 of a very taboo subject: RELIGION!
NOTE: I will not be speaking about any particular denomination or branch of religion, i.e. Islam, Christianity, Judaism, etc. But I shall, instead, keep it very broad. Thanks!
As I have already discussed in both Parts 1 and 2 on the topic of religion, I delved into MY personal story about religion. Keep in my mind that my story may be different from yours. These two parts state my journey and personal experience. And my experience, quite honestly, was horrific. Please see the links below:
So, to be fair, I want to now touch on the positive benefits of practicing a particular religion.
There are people in this world who rely on religion for comfort and peace, as well as to connect with others and to have a sense of belonging or even a social outlet. And there isn’t anything wrong with that.
They do not force their religion on others, and it honestly makes them better people. Some religious-minded people rely on prayer for guidance and not necessarily to ask for anything for themselves. And aside from lay people, you do have priests and nuns, preachers and other religious folks who truly are good people. It is too bad that the really evil ones sometimes overshadow the good ones.
Aside from the fanatical and mean (yes, mean!!) religious people I have known in my life, there have been those whom I have seen a light glowing brightly within or around them. Well, not literally. But they are so gentle and peaceful, the way I envision religious people SHOULD be. They are almost like angels, and you want to be around them. You even feel safe around them. Unfortunately, I can probably count on one hand the number of those religious people I know personally.
Ex-President Jimmy Carter – A Great Example of a True Christian (imo)
One such individual I consider to be a religious and good man, and an example of a true Christian, is ex-President Jimmy Carter. When he was President, the poor man was maligned and walked over, in my opinion, by everyone. He was disrespected and was not thought of as a good President. The worst of his presidency was, no doubt, the Iranian Hostage Crisis that began in 1979 and ended in 1981, and that subsequently ended his presidency.
However, many years after that nonsense, we see that Jimmy Carter truly is what you would call a Man of God. Everything from him building houses to his peacefulness and calm demeanor exemplify what a Christian really is. He is nothing like the fire and brimstone, dramatic, over-the-top, hateful, showman-type charletans that we see today. And it is the latter that actually turn a lot of people off from religion.
Religion Can Play a Role in Better Physical Wellbeing and Mental Health Overall
There are studies that show that practicing a religion can play an important part in promoting overall good mental and physical health. Prayer and meditation are the keys to feeling an overall sense of wellbeing. People state that religion gives them a sense of comfort, peace and hope, all of which connect to the brain and mind which in turn gives you a boost of positivity and a feeling of happiness. This in turn boosts relaxation in your body which is always a good thing for you. People with a healthy dose of spirituality have less stress and generally overall good health.
Furthermore, people who have a HEALTHY view of religion and spirituality, actually seem to live longer, are more compassionate, and healthier. There is nothing at all wrong with possessing a good spiritual life. Turning to prayer and meditation can be very, very helpful.
There is also the notion that the practice of religion (or spirituality) can reduce suicidal ideation, as well as reduce drug and alcohol abuse. This all goes back to promoting an overall positive and healthy mental wellbeing.
Sense of Belonging and Structure
Religion can bring a sense of community, where you are around like-minded individuals. And that is a good thing when you feel that you are part of a group who understands and gets you. This gives you a sense of belonging.
The rituals often associated with religious practices can provide structure, as well as routine. Also in the middle of all of this, one is better able to deal with difficult life situations, which is something religion has often provided for individuals, a sense of comfort during the most difficult and trying times.
Meditation and Mindfulness
One of the components of religion that I actually like is the practice of meditation and even mindfulness. Prayer can, of course, accompany this practice, and I don’t just mean prayer where you are simply asking for “things.” But prayer for peace for yourself and others. Prayer for comfort to those who may be going through a difficult time – SUCH AS UKRAINE!! Or the families of the children slain in UVALDE, TEXAS!!!
And going back to meditation, meditation is certainly a very helpful tool in simply allowing you to clear your thoughts. It can also be helpful to just sit in silence and not think anything. You would be surprised how much guidance you can receive by just being quiet.
I’m in Heaven
One of the most obvious positives of practicing a religion is the belief that when you die, you get to go to heaven or have some eternal reward for following said religion. This seems to be the most widely accepted notion across the board regardless of what type of religion you are practicing. Get through this life, follow the rules and rituals of said religion, and then when you pass away you get to live in paradise. It is very possible that this is the main reason people practice religion. My thought (and opinion) is that so many people practice religion simply for what they can get out of it for themselves, i.e. the eternal reward.
Hope and Inner Guidance
I am also going to say that another huge positive benefit of religion is guidance. Sometimes you can’t get the answers from another person. You have to turn inward to yourself or better yet, to whomever or whatever your Higher Power happens to be. A lot of people find comfort and solace in this, again, especially during horrendous, difficult times.
I also call this hope, which I mentioned earlier. Religion can give you that, as well as peace. Again, when life seems like it is falling down around you, and you do feel powerless, turning to your religion of choice can be that one thing that gives you some hope that things will get better. And that leads to inner peace.
Well, that is it for now. I do hope you found this post helpful. As always, please leave a comment below, if you so desire.
And remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
I do hope you will join me for Part 4 of this series on religion as we delve into the dark and even dangerous, harmful side of it. Until then, as always be safe and stay mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
NOTE: I am about to dive into some EXTREMELY personal stuff. I have never told anyone else in my life what I am about to reveal – except to medical professionals. So, here we go!
As I began last week, after having joined this cult back in 1985 – United Fellowship of Christians or UFC for short – I began experiencing the strangest thing: I was hearing voices. When I look back upon it, I wonder if I was going through some sort of schizophrenic break. Very possible. For example, whenever I would see a woman, in my head I would call her a bitch. I wouldn’t mean to; it would just pop out!! I wouldn’t say it out loud like Tourette’s Syndrome, thankfully, but I was still absolutely mortified!!! I had always looked upon women as my greatest friends, since I felt such a strong kinship towards them, not romantically, but like … sisters. So, color me surprised when this detestable phenomenon began occurring. It was the beginning of my OCD and intrusive thoughts. And it was about to get worse.
Did I uninentionally blaspheme the Holy Spirit????
In the midst of all of this, my thoughts began to center on a particular song that I really enjoyed, secular of course. The song is a Culture Club song entitled “Dangerous Man.” See part of the lyrics, that my OCD brain focused on, below:
“Martin (meaning Martin Luther King, Jr.) had the Devil just like anyone can. He spoke words they were frightened to mention.“
Waking Up With the House on Fire from which Dangerous Man is taken
At the time, it just so happened that we were studying about blasphemy of the Holy Ghost in the Bible and that how if anyone does this, you were damned to hell for eternity. Well, when I thought about how much I loved and sang that song, my brain twisted it into I was blaspheming the Holy Ghost, because a man as reverent and religious as Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. did NOT have the Devil. He had God in him. I was so frightened over this that I went to Pastor G for help and guidance. He assured me that was not what I was doing. But it really bothered me to think that.
So, the blaspheming thing was settled, but my mind continued to call women bitches, which sent me further into a tailspin.
I got to a point where I couldn’t even look at women for fear that these awful thoughts would pop into my mind. Much like today with the bisexual OCD, which I will be discussing at length coming up.
My Family Becomes Annoyed With My Christian Conversion
And as if all of the above wasn’t bad enough, over time even my own family got sick and tired of me being so religious.
I would come home on break and preach to them about what they watched on TV and what music they listened to. (It’s a wonder I didn’t talk about the food they ate!!) And if you can imagine, that didn’t sit too well with ANY of them!!! Especially my grandmother who sort of set this whole thing in motion to begin with. When I began preaching to her against watching soap operas, she basically let me have it LOLOL And rightfully so!
It got so bad that everyone in the family began to say that this church was taking advantage of me and Big Daddy, and that we were being brainwashed. And that they were taking our money (yes, I was tithing my 10%). They were now “preaching to me” that this church was not good for me and to find someplace else to go!!
I believe I also began to question whether they were real Christians since they didn’t seem to be as “strict” and as in line with “the Word” as this particular church. I think this was the absolute last straw for them. They were now preaching to me to leave this church – IMMEDIATELY!!
They weren’t the only ones. Other close friends of mine at the time began telling me the same thing, particularly Teresa. As a matter of fact, she and some of her witch cronies accosted me over religion. And I didn’t appreciate that to say the least. But I digress …
At one point, I even tried to convert my Jewish friend, Becca, to Christianity! LOLOL When I look back upon this period of my life, I was truly obnoxious. I mean more so than usual 😉
The Entrance of From Luxury to Heartache
Oh but wait. Sometime in the Fall of 1986, Culture Club released their From Luxury to Heartache album. And I just had to have a listen. At the same time, Culture Club appeared on an episode of The A-Team entitled “Cowboy George.” Well, I just had to see the episode, too, which I did. In secret. And I just had to buy the cassette, especially since in the episode, Culture Club debuted two new singles: “God Thank you Woman” and a single they had already released entitled “Move Away.” And both were HOT!!!!
To show you just how sick I was, I would buy the cassette (from Record Bar — yasssss!!!), listen to it in secret – (Big Daddy mustn’t find out!) and then I would feel so guilty that I would snip it up and throw it away. And repeat the process, because I loved the cassette so damn much!! It was soooooo good! Some of their best work since Colour By Numbers! So, why WOULDN’T I want to have it????
Big Daddy Trades Church Sunday for Basketball Sunday
After nearly two years of this insanity, Big Daddy began to not go as much, which was totally a surprise. Mr. “I’m going to live right from now on.” He traded in all of those Sunday services for Carolina Tarheel basketball Sundays as some of the games conflicted with church. Can’t say I blame him. During all of this time, we tried to make all of the UNC basketball home games. As I recall some were on Sundays. The football games we always made since they were all on Saturday. Funny how sports was okay with God but not secular music and television programs. Hmmmm 🤔
It was also around this time that Big Daddy started hanging around different friends who were NOT a part of our church or any church for that matter. I remember one such character whom we shall call Teddy. Teddy would come to our room and hang out. There were even a couple of times I would come home to find him sprawled out on my bed, which I didn’t like.
Big Daddy began to slowly but surely pull away from the church and do his own thing. Again, I can’t say I blame him. I think it was all wearing thin for him. But I felt stuck, because at this point I was so knee deep into the hoopla that I had even started going to morning prayer at 6 fricking o’clock in the fricking morning!! And I had long since been a member of the praise band, switching back and forth between trumpet and clarinet. I was REALLY stuck.
It All Falls Apart and Comes Tumbling Down So, after two years of this nonsense, I realized I had had enough. I had had enough of Big Daddy and his bullshit. (There were other problems, too, believe me – such as him coveting my belongings and food!!) I had had enough of that church. And I had even had enough of pursuing my major, which was pharmacy.
So, the first thing was I decided I did not want to live with Big Daddy any longer. So, when it came down to choosing housing situations, I applied for a single room. I wanted to live alone, which I should have stuck to all these years, but THAT is another story!
Big Daddy didn’t seem to balk at the idea. As a matter of fact, I think he wanted to move in with his new sports buddy Teddy, and I think they did.
I ended up moving clear across to the other side of campus in a single room in Old West, the northern part of the campus this time. Far, far away from Morrison, and that church, and the madness I had endured for the past two years.
I even changed my major from pharmacy to music education.
Mass Exodus
In the beginning of the new school year, back in the Fall of 1987, I decided to attend a back-to-school party that my old dorm Morrison was throwing. So, I was able to visit with Big Daddy and Teresa, who both still remained there. When visiting Big Daddy, the subject of the church came up, and Big Daddy told me that he wasn’t going back. Not only that but his sister Betty and her friend and a couple of other people weren’t either. I was shocked, to say the least. Not so much with Big Daddy since he was practically absent most of the previous year. But Betty was a shocker.
I told Teresa the news, and she was elated to hear that, to say the least.
So, no more of that church. No more cult. No more pharmacy as a major. But a new major instead, music education.
And that is the end of this particular story. Needless to say, the next two years at Carolina were MUCH freerer and a helluva lot more fun. But then again, in the fall of 1989 I came out, but you already know that part of the story. 😉
Oh and I continued my love of secular music. ❤️😂 And yes. I bought back my cassettes and tapes!!!
That will do it for this time. But I will be back with a Part 3 of religion. Because don’t just listen to my story or the bad side. Let’s hear some good.
And always, remember if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it for now. So, until the next time, please be safe and mentally well!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back my dearest friends! I hope all is well with everyone.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
Today we are REALLY going there. So, be prepared. You may or may not like what I have to say on the subject. So, hang on!
For many, religion is a source of comfort. And yet, for many, religion is a source of scorn and ridicule.
For others, religion is the source of some of their deepest pain.
For some, religion is simply a joke. And yet, for some religion is the only thing they have to get them through.
Everywhere you turn there is religion. It is either displayed in what people wear or in what they say or what we see in the media and/or on television.
And religion is not just about a church. Or a synagogue. Or a mosque or a temple. To a lot of people, religion is a way of life.
From “The Color Purple” FILMED in and around my hometown/county in North Carolina!!
I dare say there isn’t a person alive – or at least that I know of – who hasn’t been touched in some way, fashion or form by religion.
But as the topic title suggests, is religion actually helpful or harmful? Can it actually be detrimental to our overall mental health? Let’s do a deep dive, starting with my own personal experiences with religion.
My Personal Story with Ye Olde Religion
As stated in my most recent blog post, from day one of my life almost, I was affected by religion. And not in the most positive of ways. Check out that blog post below:
In summary, I wrote about how when I was just a wee lad, I cracked open The Bible, turned to the end, and read parts of Revelations. We’ve all done it if you were raised in the Christian faith. But anyway, I was absolutely HORRIFIED, not to mention terrified by what I read in there. OMG!!! The End of the World, Armageddon, The Lake of Fire, etc., etc., etc. I was scared to death!! One could say that was my first experience with religion. And my OCD, which of course I didn’t know I had at the time, was immediately TRIGGERED and off to the races.
So, fear was the underlying theme for me where religion is concerned. And that is NOT a good thing for anyone’s mental wellbeing. But moving on …
Afterward, it was off to church EVERY Sunday, not because I wanted to and enjoyed it. But because of my family. My Grandmother’s speech from time to time was “as long as you live in this house, you are going to church.” And so, I did.
On occasion, she also stated rather emphatically, if I was disobedient “that the Lord is going to shorten your days!”
At our church, the 1st and 3rd Sundays were just Sunday School. So, my aunt and I would come home around 11:30 a.m., while Granddaddy and Grandmommy stayed for services to listen to the associate pastor preach.
On the 2nd and 4th Sundays, we had to stay for church services to hear the main pastor of our church, which of course meant we were practically there all day!! To be brutally and utterly transparent, I was ALWAYS BORED out of my skull (not to mention HUNGRY)! That is until the spirit hit the ladies of our church, and they would jump up and down, titties bouncing. I always laughed at that. No offense to anyone. I did think it was rather amusing, though.
The Religion in My Life Takes a Decidely Dark Turn
So. My grisly little tale continues in the Fall of 1985, when I went off to The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill to begin my freshman year of college. I had just graduated from low (high) school back on June 7, 1985, and was EXTREMELY excited to begin my new life away from home. I felt so grown up at this time.
To add the cherry on top of the proverbial sundae, I was attending UNC with seven of my fellow graduates from high school, people I had grown up with and some of whom I had started with back in elementary school. One of those friends I ended up rooming with, someone I will refer to as “Big Daddy.” (I started calling him that because of The Benny HillShow, which we both absolutely were nuts over! It was very popular back when we were in junior high, so popular that we even played the theme in the 9th grade band!)
But I digress.
Big Daddy and I settled into our cramped little dorm room in Morrison on the Southside of campus, initially with a third roommate. This guy ended up in bunk beds with Big Daddy. Fortunately, after just a few weeks, he was gone, and I was left with my best friend in the whole wide world, Big Daddy. You may throw up now. 🤣
Things started off pretty good, that is until a return home for Fall Break. A bit of backstory: Big Daddy’s sister, whom I shall call Betty, was one year ahead of us in school. Betty also attended UNC, and this would have been her sophomore year.
You see, my family and Big Daddy and Betty’s family rode together to and from UNC. In OUR car, mind you. And as we were getting ready to leave to return to UNC, my grandmother brought up the subject of church. OMG what did she do that for? She wanted to make sure that since I was “raised in the church,” that I continue to go to church. And that is when Betty piped up and said that I could attend with her. As a matter of fact, both Big Daddy and I could.
So, when we returned to school, that following Sunday, me and Big Daddy went to church right along with Betty. The name of the church was called United Fellowship of Christians or UFC for short.
The first time was the strangest experience I have ever had in a church. It was so … weird. I could tell right off the bat that it was one of those holyroller places. It was actually nothing like my home church, which I realized after this storyline, that I appreciated just how … well, boring and free my church actually was.
Anyhoo, I remember vividly at the end of the service, that the pastor – whom I shall refer to as Pastor Greg, Pastor G for short – asked everyone to close their eyes. He proceeded to ask if we were to die, where did we think we would spend eternity – in heaven. Or hell. If you felt that you were heavenbound, raise your hand. Now put your hands down. If you were unsure or thought you were going to hell, to raise your hand. Okay, put your hands down. I’m pretty sure I raised my hand on the heaven part. But heck, I wasn’t even sure about where I was going. LOL I didn’t think about it. I didn’t care. I was only 18 at the time.
Well, he asked us to open our eyes and for those who had raised their hands and felt they were going to hell, to come up front for him to pray over. Color me shocked when I saw Big Daddy’s large form get up and head for the front!!!!!
I remember thinking ‘what is he doing?’
Pastor G prayed over him and the others who stood before him. Then church was over. Afterward, Betty introduced me and Big Daddy to some of her church friends. Big Daddy received pamphlets and such from other members of the church. And that was that, and we left. Big Daddy and I went to have vittles at one of the campus dining halls. As we were getting our food, I remember he distinctly said something that sort of chilled me to the bone:
“I’m going to start living right from now on.”
I don’t remember my response to that, but I could sense that something changed in him and was about to change between us. Or some big change was coming. Boy, I had no idea just how big.
Derek’s FIRST Descent into Madness
I have this hanging up in my bedroom. Describes me perfectly! Read on …
So. I did as my grandmother had instructed; I attended this stupid church. But I went through hell because of it. No pun intended. Let me just fast track and cut to the chase. I mostly did it not just because of or for Costella, my Grandmother, but because Big Daddy did it. And I wanted so desperately then to fit in, even at the cost of my mental health. Back then everything he did, I did. And I feel there should be a blog post on that alone!
The first thing that occurred was Pastor G saying that ALL secular music and TV shows were of the Devil and that we should be listening to Christian music and watching Christian television programs. So, that meant all those years of Dynasty that me and Costella shared were suddenly OUT! (Fine with me over Dynasty, because I think it was around this time of the horrid Moldavian plot. Oy! It SUCKED!)
That is also when I started snipping all – and I do mean ALL -of my cassette tapes that I had amassed starting in junior high and throwing them all into the trash!!!!!! That one REALLY hurt!!!
It didn’t take long for me to be totally and completely sucked into this “cult.” That is exactly what I refer to it now.
Sure I could have left at any point in time, but because Big Daddy was involved, I felt I had to be in order to preserve our friendship and roommate status. I was absolutely brainwashed!!
And then the voices started …
And I am going to stop here, because I feel this is a good ending for Part 1, a cliffhanger! 😉
So, stayed tuned for Part 2 next week!!
But please don’t suffer the way I did. If you feel you cannot cope or handle whatever you are going through, please seek help from a professional. Click on the link below.
I shall see you all the next time!! Be safe and mentally well, as always!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my friends! This post comes with a TRIGGER WARNING!! Let’s get started!
“And in the news, another school shooting. Eight children dead.”
“A family of four found shot to death inside their home. The killer is identified as the father, who then took his own life.”
“The stock market takes yet another tumble.”
“Gas prices soar YET AGAIN!”
“COVID deaths have skyrocketed!”
“Unarmed black man shot dead by police in front of his family.”
“There is yet ANOTHER COVID variant discovered in ______ country!!!”
“Vladimir Putin invades Ukraine, then places his nuclear forces on high alert!”
You know the drill. And this is just the tip of the so-called iceberg, believe it or not. How many times do we hear crap like this either in the news or see it on social media or hear it from friends? I mean, I am nearly 55 years young, and I have heard and/or seen this type of stuff all my life. Heck, even the Bible has passages that are downright depressing.
How are you expected to cope with this sort of thing? How does the above make YOU feel? Do you just gloss over it because you are so used to hearing news like this? Or do you sink into the depths of darkness, lack of hope, and fear?
The myriad of answers may range from everything such as ‘I pray and turn it over to God’ to ‘this is depressing’ to ‘I overeat or drink because of this’ to ‘I don’t pay any attention to it anymore.’
And In the News …
I do not tune in to the news anymore. That has been my modus operandi for probably two decades. Oh I catch the headlines and I do tune in every now and then. But I haven’t just sat and watched an entire news program in a very long time, hell no! It is way too depressing for me. I have done it recently off and on just to break my routine of watching other programming that I find much happier and cheerier than the news of yet another black person shot dead by the police.
Speaking of The Police, the very popular rock group wrote a song about how indeed the world is running down. Check it out!
The Police song says it
The Effects
But I am really curious as to how all this negativity affects us on a day-to-day basis.
I would bet anything that depression is perhaps the number one resulting factor from all of this. And/or fear and worry.
And definitely anxiety. On here, I have discussed my generalized anxiety disorder, as well as my anticipatory anxiety. I just cannot bear all the negativity all the time, because then it sits in my mind and I begin to believe that it will happen to me. So, in other words, it does NOT help my GAD at all.
In summary, hearing/seeing these headlines on a daily basis can place you in a heightened state of anxiety, fear and depression.
Are We Becoming Immune?
BUT
What if you have heard all of this garbage all your life and you start to become immune to it? I mean, what if you just don’t care anymore? I am sure there are those out there like that who are simply becoming desensitized to it all. ‘Yeah. Heard it all before’ sort of attitude.
Another school shooting. Okay.
Another earthquake killing thousands of people in some country. Okay.
Another COVID death. Okay.
And no, I am not saying it is okay. NONE of it is okay. But I can only imagine that after hearing the same horrible news over and over, you almost come to expect it. And see it as nothing new.
I think I am starting to become desensitized to all of the bad news. And I don’t mean that I don’t care, but when you hear it over and over and OVER AGAIN, it does lose some of its feeling and impact.
And of course, the latest is Putin essentially threatening nuclear war. Gee. Where have I heard that one before? Oh that’s right, during the 80s with the Cold War and the U.S.S.R. and living under the threat of nuclear war breaking out at any moment.
Ever since I was a child, I have been exposed to extreme negativity and depressing news. I remember even reading Revelations in the Bible. And if that didn’t scare the literal hell out of you, I don’t know what will. It sure did it to me, the threat of an Armaggedon and the End of the World. Over the years, I just got sick of hearing it. And this whole thing with Putin, I am almost like whatever, dude. (But GO UKRAINE!!!!! Prayers to you and President Zelenskyy ❤️)
The Possible Coping Strategies
Now, there are those individuals who are not so lucky as to just brush it off.
People who may not have the most positive and/or effective coping strategies, may succumb to the following:
Overeating – my personal fave.
Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. No judgments here.
Drugs. Again, no judgments.
Sex.
Suicidal ideation.
Sleeping a LOT.
To name a few.
So, let’s see what we can do to minimize the fears and the negativity that the world can bring us.
Derek’s Quick Tips for Dealing with the Wordly BS:
I have spoken about it extensively and will continue to do so – listen to MUSIC! Set aside time to just listen to music that you really enjoy. Or play it if you are an instrumentalist. I start my morning off by listening to music. NOT THE NEWS!!! OMG! Talk about getting depressed quickly. So, I just don’t do that.
Nature. Take a walk outside. Nature to me is so grounding and soothing. And it is even helpful when there are few people around!!
Dance! Dance! Dance! I’m a 70s/80s kid, proud Gen Xer. So, dancing has been and will always be a part of my life. It relieves the stress.
Meditate. I like to sit quietly. No TV or music or noise. And definitely no SmartPhone. Just quiet and solitude. A big plus is if you can do this outdoors. So, I sit on my balcony, and thankfully the weather is getting warmer.
Pray. I put this one out here, because I find it to be effective. No, I am NOT a religious person. But you do not have to be to simply pray and ask for peace or to simply be thankful.
Speaking of, be grateful for what you have. Gratitude has helped my life TREMENDOUSLY! I still keep my Oprah gratitude journal. I am now in my 21st year of keeping it (them)!!
Rest/sleep. Hey, there is nothing wrong with just taking a nap or a snooze. I would be concerned that if you are sleeping a lot, that that may be a sign of depression. However, grabbing a few minutes to an hour or even two, isn’t bad.
Exercise. This seems to be a popular one for lots of people.
However, the above are not the only ways to deal with the stress of living around negativity. I am sure that you may have other creative ways to cope. I read a lot. Mysteries is what I am still stuck on – Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew!!!
That’s it for today. I hope I didn’t depress y’all too much.
But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Thank you for checking out today’s blog post. As always, please be safe and stay mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Welcome back, my dearest friends who are battling some sort of mental imbalance, but charging through bravely just the same! You’ve got this!! Today’s topic is the dreaded emotional pain body!
I first learned about the pain body through reading Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. Many of you are probably already familiar with Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. He is the author of numerous books, and is also known as sort of a New Age spiritual guru.
My copy of the book
I was first introduced to Mr. Tolle way back when on the OprahWinfrey Show. I find Eckhart Tolle’s teachings very sound. He has also been instrumental in helping me deal with my intrusive thoughts. He has spoken extensively on that topic, as well. But more on that in another post.
The pain body is an accumalation of decades of emotional pain one has endured and encountered in their life. This pain can be anything from disappointments to emotional abuse to neglect and even physical violence. The feelings and pain from all of the above, if not dealt with, can result in one becoming very angry or miserable or even depressed.
And as Oprah describes in the above clip, it is like a tiny, seemingly insignificant thing can trigger this pain body, resulting in a total overreaction of what was done or said.
All of this emotional pain can be caused by family members, friends, coworkers, bosses, even lovers and partners. So, in other words just about anybody can inflict emotional pain upon us, obviously, and cause us to develop this pain body, without us even realizing it. And just about anybody can trigger it, even without realizing that that is what they are doing.
According to Eckhart Tolle, the pain body can manifest as turbulence, depression, fear, heaviness, or anger. It is past pain that is very much alive. Eckhart goes on to say that you carry it around with you; however, you are not always aware of it.
Also, guess where a lot of this pain starts: Childhood. Big surprise there.
Another example of the pain body taken from another Eckhart Tolle book entitled The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightment.
As long as you are unable to access the power of the Now, every emotional pain that you experience leaves behind a residue of pain that lives on in you. It merges with the pain from the past, which was already there, and becomes lodged in your mind and body. This, of course, includes the pain you suffered as a child, caused by the unconsciousness of the world into which you were born.
This accumulated pain is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind. If you look on it as an invisible entity in its own right, you are getting quite close to the truth. It’s the emotional pain-body. It has two modes of being: dormant and active.
A pain-body may be dormant 90 percent of the time; in a deeply unhappy person, though, it may be active up to 100 percent of the time. Some people live almost entirely through their pain-body, while others may experience it only in certain situations, such as intimate relationships, or situations linked with past loss or abandonment, physical or emotional hurt, and so on. Anything can trigger it, particularly if it resonates with a pain pattern from your past. When it is ready to awaken from its dormant stage, even a thought or an innocent remark made by someone close to you can activate it.
My Own Pain Body
The above passage describes me to a T! I overreacted in relationships with my family and most definitely in intimate relationships, and sadly even with friends. Most recently back in October of 2021 with friends.
I can testify to the power of the pain body, because it is hardwired to any emotional triggers I associate with people hurting me from the past.
For example, someone picks on me or needles me, albeit innocently. However, sometimes I will get very, very angry and unleash a torrent of venom and hatred. That is the pain body, my pain body.
Another example is if I feel that someone is talking down to me, that can also bring out my pain body. During my childhood, I felt that a lot of people, particularly my own family, were condescending towards me, as well as other adults, especially certain teachers.
One of the things that Eckhart Tolle teaches about the pain body is being aware of it. And of course, being aware of the triggers that can bring the pain body to the surface. I did not know for years that this was what I was doing, allowing my pain body to resurface because of the thoughtlessness of others or simple innocent remarks. Now, that I think about it, I believe the alters were/are my pain body. There is so much anger and resentment that I have built up over the years, that I used my “other selves” (my pain body) to take over and wreak havoc upon myself and most definitely upon others.
Responding to the Pain Body in Others
So, now that you know about the pain body and what it is, what if you recognize it in others? How in the name of all that is holy do you deal with someone with a very pronounced and distinct pain body?
Well, Eckhart Tolle advises that when dealing with someone with an extremely strong and ever-present pain body is just to simply do and say nothing. He goes on to suggest in trying to engage with a person in the possession of their pain body may make things worse. I know this to be true, because when I have been in the middle of my pain body, someone trying to argue back with me does no good. It just simply adds “fools to the fire,” as I like to say.
Eckhart states that if necessary, walk away from the situation. Keep in mind, that any of this can still make things heated. Unless the person who is observing the pain body in action knows how to label it and say “this is your pain body speaking.” If only someone had said that to me, I think things would have been much different.
Check out the clip below:
But How Do You Get Rid of or Deal With/Lessen Your Pain Body???
According to Eckhart Tolle, the first thing, again, is to be aware of your pain body and to catch it when it arises before it goes into your mind and when it is an emotion. Again, a relatively minor thing triggers a blow up. Or as Oprah says, a small thing happens and you blow up. LOL You feel a negative emotion as it arises and you realize this is what is transpiring. But also recognizing what your triggers are. He says that the knowledge of the pain body is the awareness of it. The pain body cannot control your thinking. So, therefore, it cannot control your actions. In other words, be present and aware.
I hate to keep tossing videos at you, but if you wish to really get an in-depth knowledge of how to heal your pain body, check out this video. It is a little lengthy, but worth it.
In summation, as Maya Angelou once said – on The Oprah Winfrey Show tee hee – people can be like pecking ducks. Perhaps this pecking is through jokes or sarcasm directed towards you or offhanded comments, cutting remarks, or out and out criticism and anger towards you. I look at it as they peck at you and peck at you until there is nothing left, except a torrent of negative feelings and emotions coming from you. That’s right, your pain body. And it is a wonder that people explode in response to this sort of behaviour. But it is up to us to call it out and control and be aware of our own pain body.
You can rest assured that we will be discussing more of the pain body in later blog posts. 😉
As I always say, if you find what you are going through too tough or you identify with this article, please talk to someone. If you believe you need a professional, try online therapy. Online therapy allows you the opportunity to speak with a professional in the privacy of your own home. No need to drive to an office. So, click on the link below and check it out.
That is it for today. If you identify with this post, please shoot me a comment down below. And until the next time, and in the meantime, please be safe and mentally well!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Also, I do not own the copyrights to any videos or books appearing in this post.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Depressive mood. Unhappiness, displeasure. Weight loss. Fearfulness. Sleeping problems (wake up early) Guilt feelings. Suicide thoughts. Indecisiveness. Attribution of the problem: sickness. General. Low vitality. Burnout. Anger, aggression. Low pleasure. No weight symptoms. No fearfulness. Sleeping problems (difficulty to fall asleep) Guilt feelings. No suicide thoughts. Indecisiveness (complaint) Attribution of the problem: work. Work-related. Moderate vitality.
Hello, my friends who are fighting whatever mental imbalance you are fighting! Hang in there! So, today I decided to tackle something I honestly don’t have a lot of knowledge or expertise in, but is VERY prevalent and very real for a lot of people – and that is DEPRESSION.
Before I continue, I want to go on the record by stating this post is basically stream of consciousness on my thoughts about the subject of depression. I am by no means an expert on the subject. And by all means, feel free to weigh in and add your thoughts in the comment section below if you are a person who does suffer from depression. Thank you!
I look at depression as being in a very, very sad state. However, I have learned over the years that it is much more than that. I have learned that the difference between sadness and depression is that sadness can be just a short period of time. We all have sad feelings from time to time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean those feelings stay with us. With depression, those feelings stay with us much longer to the point of affecting our everyday lives.
I have been depressed before, because of circumstances or life events or even just life in general. And I do not consider myself to be a depressed person. But there are those who suffer greatly from it to the point of needing medication.
But then there is burnout, something I do have a lot of experience with. And yes, I am absolutely burned out, and I am not talking about a house. I know that feeling only too well, where you are exhausted – mentally and physically.
Perhaps you feel that you cannot go on. I do have all of the motivation to conduct my business, but I feel just blah sometimes. As Lucy Ricardo would say, “I feel like a real slob.” Sometimes I really don’t wish to do a damn thing. Do you ever feel like that? This pandemic has not helped by any stretch of the imagination. This truly sucks!!
To be honest, I don’t feel like going to work now thanks to the hell this pandemic has reigned down upon us, with all of its restrictions and masks and social distancing. And vaccinated and boosted people are still getting sick. I am both vaccinated and boosted. Does that mean I am going to get it (again), too? Now that is VERY depressing!!!!
Now for some deeper dives.
Depression
As I see it, depression, again, is a deep feeling of loss and sadness. It can be brought on by so many factors: Job loss. Loss of a family member or friend through death. The breakup of a relationship or friendship. A move to a new town or place. A pandemic. There are so many things that can make someone depressed.
But what if everything is going well, and you are STILL depressed? I am no doctor, but I believe this is when we get into clinical or chemical depression rather than a cause and effect sort of situation.
However, depression brings up a whole heck of a lot more feelings than just the generic sad feeling. There can be feelings of hopelessness, irritability, or even thoughts of suicide, as well.
My Personal Experience and Bout With Depression
Giving an example from my own life – and there are many on the subject of depression – there was a point in time when I thought I was going to prison. Gasp!! That’s right. PRISON! This was back in 2002, and I am not sure how many people know the story, with the exception of my immediate family. But to cut to the chase, I was let go from my then employment. As revenge, I deleted files from my computer that I had created. Little did I know that that was a federal offense.
I was later arrested and faced charges of criminal trespass, which I had never even heard of. Oh it was a mess! The waiting was torture!! I did fall into a very deep depression. It was the only time when I really didn’t want to eat, and that most certainly is not like me!!! I lost a bunch of weight. I slept a lot. And unfortunately, my personality disorder returned. I dissociated big time! It was awful!!!!!
The face of someone who turned to other personalities to help me cope.
I agonized for months wondering if I was going to spend the next 10 years in prison. Well, at least I would have had a boyfriend. 😂🤣😍 Fortunately, it all worked out, because $5,000 later to an attorney, I was fortunately able to get out of the charge and even had it expunged from my record. But the depression was very real. And I cannot believe that was 20 years ago.
Burnout
To me, burnout is lacking the energy or motivation to do anything. You just feel tired and lethargic. I would imagine work is, perhaps, the number one source of burnout. And I can see why. Going to the same place everyday – or at least five days out of a week, if you’re lucky. Some people go more than that and work long hours, which can certainly lead to burnout. But going to this place where you don’t want to go in the first place, dealing with people you wouldn’t even piss on let alone be trapped with for eight hours a day or more. I mean, let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we? Anyhoo, putting up with corporate BS from people who don’t have anything better to do with their lives than be a total bitch or bastard at work. Did I nail it or what?
My Own Personal Burnout
My burnout stems from the fact that I am just tired of working. And I really would like to be retired. I am not kidding about that. I know that we all get sick of working, but this pandemic with its restrictions has made me really think about this hard. This year, I am turning 55, and to me that is a nice retirement age – though unrealistic considering I definitely don’t have the funds to do so adequately. Damnit!!!
The Feelings from Both
Depression
Depressed mood
Unhappiness
Lack of motivation
Fearfulness
Sleep problems
Suicidal ideation
Lack of hope
Feeling down
Don’t feel like doing anything
Feeling extremely fatigued
Feeling stressed
Guilty feelings
Weight loss
(Again, I am not an expert on depression. The above list is a compilation from sources, as well as my own personal experience and thoughts on the matter. I defer to people who really suffer from depression.)
Burnout
Lack of motivation
Doing the same thing over and over again with no break
Not able to relax
Sleep problems
Feeling stressed
Anxiety
Feeling fatigued
No fearfulness
No suicidal ideation
Typically work-related
Guilty feelings
No weight symptoms
I see from the above list (the source listed below), the similarities have to do with feeling guilty, having sleep problems, lack of motivation, feeling stressed, and feeling fatigued.
Where they differ appears to be with regards to weight where with depression there is a potential for weight loss, whereas with burnout that isn’t necessarily the case. Also, there appears to be no suicidal ideation with burnout. And of course, just because someone is depressed, doesn’t necessarily mean they have suicidal thoughts, either.
Also, burnout seems to be more work-related. Though I would argue it could be anything where you are doing the same thing over and over again with no break.
Another difference would be with depression, there may be a prevalence of fear, whereas with burnout that doesn’t appear to be the case.
Okay. I JUST said it to myself after taking a break from working on this post. “I’m tired.” Why am I tired? What am I tired of or from? And am I really tired? The best way for me to answer my own questions is that I feel like I need some sort of a break. I suppose I should explain the reference of me being “tired.” I have to work in about 45 minutes, remotely thankfully. But I don’t want to. It isn’t the Zoom, though I can understand that people are burned out from logging into Zoom. I am not. I feel that this particular job, which isn’t my main job, is tiring mentally in so many ways.
Okay. Let’s unpack this some more. With this particular job, the boss is a bit too micro managey for my taste. Also, I feel shut down whenever I give my opinion. I feel as though I am being told what to say just to keep things “faux positive.” This truly tires me out. There is way too much hand holding, and I don’t care for that at all. So, yes I am tired and perhaps a bit BURNED OUT!!!
But I do not wish to leave on such a negative note. Some tips to help with either burnout or depression:
Talk to someone about it. It can be a friend who is a good listener or a professional.
Step away from the problem (if it is burnout).
Take a walk.
Listen to music.
Read.
My personal favorite BREATHE!
I know that with depression, it isn’t that easy. That is why I strongly urge speaking to a professional. Please follow the link below.
Again, please forgive my rambling and stream of consciousness on the matter. By all means, feel free to disagree with me or tell me your own personal experiences with either depression or burnout in the comment section below.
That is all I have today, my dear friends. So, until the next time, and as always, please be safe and mentally well!!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello, my pals! And welcome backl! I do hope this new blog post finds you well in the New Year! I know the Omicron is a BEAST! But hang in there. I really do believe we shall prevail!
At any rate, I have decided to wade the waters of when your mind constantly thinks something bad is going to happen to you. I may have come across a concrete name for it: Anticipatory anxiety. Although, there could be other ways to describe it – catastrophizing or my new one – “futurizing” – where you (well, your mind) conjures of these worst-case scenarios that could happen in your life. Mine is blindness as I have discussed previously, all because years ago I went down the rabbit hole of researching eye floaters, which I do have. And ever since then, it has been sort of stuck in my head off and on that ‘Oh my God! Having these things could lead to blindness!’ which is such a rarity. However, my brain latched onto it anyway. So, this is just an example.
I entitled today’s blog post The Dark Victory Syndrome, because the backstory for me is that when I was about 9 years old back in 1976, I saw the FABULOUS Elizabeth Montgomery of Bewitched fame in the remake of Dark Victory, which the effervescent Bette Davis had starred in back in 1939. Well, at 9 years of age, this was my first encounter with the movie. I did not know at the time about the Bette Davis original.
Well, to cut to the chase [SPOILER ALERT!!!!] the movie is about a woman who discovers that she has a brain tumor. She experiences all of the horrible symptoms of a brain tumor: Severe headaches, double vision, and extreme dizziness, and Elizabeth’s character even takes a nasty tumble down a flight of stairs at a party. The character goes in for tests, and the doctor, portrayed by Sir Anthony Hopkins of Silence of the Lambs delivers the crushing news that she has a brain tumor. She is operated on, but the doctor who has fallen in love with her realizes that her situation is terminal and is only able to remove part of the tumor. He does not tell her the truth (and why Michelle Lee’s character who is Elizabeth’s bestie knows and she doesn’t is beyond me!!). Eventually, she will experience blindness and then later die.
Following the surgery and going on with her life (and sporting a HORRIBLE wig!!), she later realizes that the doctor (and Michelle Lee) kept the truth from her. She is rightfully pissed with both of them. However, she decides to forgive them both, even to the point of being in a relationship with the doctor! Well, Hollywood likes to romanticize things, of course. Sadly, she does begin to experience some of those same symptoms she does at the beginning.
I am saying all of this as the setup to say that when I saw this movie, Derek didn’t focus on the romantic aspect. Oh no. I focused on the brain tumor. I thought ‘Oh my God! Samantha – which is what I called Elizabeth’s character LOLOL – has a brain tumor, maybe I do, too!’ That is when I began checking my memory to make sure I could remember important details. I would silently say to myself my name, my address, my phone number, and my birthdate. It was awful!!
I also made sure that I could see clearly. Any headache I would get would just make things worse for me as I would obsess even more, thinking I had said brain tumor!! To quote Lucy Ricardo, “I was a mess!”
It took me MANY years later to realize that I had an obsessive mind and that I was suffering from recurring and intrusive thoughts, which is the reason why I started my blog. I now know that I am not the only one suffering from this.
Anticipatory Anxiety and Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Now, let’s talk about the anticipatory anxiety, which I did “research.” But it didn’t make things worse this time; it actually made things even clearer. Again, I wish to stress that I am NOT a medical professional by any stretch of the imagination. However, what I have been researching makes total and complete sense.
Anticipatory anxiety can be described as worrying excessively about something stressful that you have to do in the future, i.e. a presentation, visiting family especially at the holidays, a talk you have to give, an exam you have to take, etc. I also look at it as being afraid of possible future events that COULD happen, but again chances are they won’t, as I described above. For example, for me it is going blind. Back in the 80s, it was a fear of nuclear war. And according to one source, anticipatory anxiety isn’t a mental health diagnosis on its own, but it can appear as a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder is worrying about everyday life. It is “marked by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events for no obvious reason. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can’t stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school.”
I have suffered greatly from generalized anxiety disorder, aka GAD, ever since I was a child. Again, the fear of losing my memory, my eyesight, dying, nuclear war, etc. GAD can be inherited. It is possible that I may have inherited it from my grandmother, whom I believe suffered from the same disorder. My grandmother CONSTANTLY worried!! For such a strong, fierce, Bible-believing woman, she was afraid of something bad happening. She always worried about me just simply playing outside when I was a kid. The entire neighborhood was treated to her crooning my name to make sure I was nearby.
Because of my issues with GAD and anticipatory anxiety, I developed the intrusive thoughts due to my overall feeling of dread. If I haven’t already disclosed in earlier blog posts, I remember as far back as the age of 7 always saying to myself that I wasn’t going to make it to the next grade. And so on. And so on. For some reason, I thought I was going to die. Well, obviously that never happened, because I went all the way through not only high school and graduated, but college as well and graduated from that. All the way to 2022 where I am sitting and writing this blog. 😂😉
To tie all the pieces together, because there are many, and going back to “The Dark Victory Syndrome” as I like to call it, you think of a catastrophe. You then worry constantly about that catastrophe possibly happening to you to the point of anticipating it. And then the intrusive thoughts begin. This is how I look at this horrific puzzle of the mind.
In summation, I want to offer hope for this horrible condition. If you feel that things are too tough to handle, there is always help in the form of therapy. And if you don’t wish to drive into town for an office visit, there is always online therapy. Please follow the graphic below and check out the options. It could work for you.
Well, that is going to be it my friends. Again, please be mentally well and also physically well due to COVID and the latest strain known as the Omicron. Be safe!! And I shall chat with you next time!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Also, I do not own the copyrights to any of the YouTube posts, music, film or TV.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hello dear readers and friends! Welcome back for the final chapter in this woebegone tale of love from yours truly 😀😁😊😋
The phone call
Javier and I continued corresponding on the phone throughout February of 1996. Of course he had to call me since he had no phone. My life as an acting intern at the time was pure HELL, and his phone calls and letters always cheered me up. (Well, there was one such strange letter he sent me about the frog and the scorpion, the one where the frog allows the scorpion to ride on his back across the river. But the scorpion ends up stinging the poor frog to death. Apparently this is from the movie The Crying Game. And Javier asked me in the letter what did I think it meant. Cryptically, he said it meant what it said! I should have known from that!)
He would usually call once a week and when he did, that call carried me rather happily through until the next week. We talked a lot about us, and it wasn’t long before he was talking of moving to Atlanta. Now, I did “nada” to encourage this. He came up with that idea on his own. I wasn’t about to discourage him, though. I loved the man, and I wanted to be married to him more than anything in the world. Well, as married as two men could be in this country at that time, the land of the free, where all men are created equal. NOT! I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. He assured me that it was. Anyway, I was going to be Mr. Derek Ratliff-Muro-Cortez or something like that!!! Or so I thought.
We talked about him coming down to visit in February. He promised he would. Then there was Valentine’s Day. I sent him a great, big old card proclaiming my undying love. I did not receive a card, not even a phone call on V-Day. It didn’t matter because I knew he was coming. Right? The Friday night he was supposed to arrive, he called up saying he was not going to be able to come because (1) he had been sick and (2) his car wasn’t going to make it. To say I was extremely disappointed was an understatement!
.
“Okay, back up Javier. You were sick?” He explained to me that he went to the clinic, and they gave him 3 shots in the butt!!! I immediately had a flashback to the time I discovered I had syphilis about six months into my sojourn in Atlanta, and the three shots I had received in the posterior assets. Long story for another time.
“Do you have syphilis or HIV, Jorge?” He told me no, he had the flu. I explained to him that I had gone through the syphilis thing, and it sounded like that with the three shots deal. As far as his car was concerned, he told me there was no way his car could make a 6-hour trip like that. I wasn’t hearing any of this.
Well, I gently told him how disappointed I was, especially in not receiving a call or a card for Valentine’s Day. He was silent. He then told me that he had shown my card to Hector, and Hector had remarked to him that he was lucky to have a man like me for a boyfriend. How nice, but I wanted Javier with me. But that wasn’t THE phone call.
THE phone call came on February 28, 1996, between 12noon and 1 p.m., because sometimes he’d call me during his lunch. I was extremely glad to hear from my man. I remarked that his English was much better. He said it was because he was talking to me. Well, he had also been going to school all this time! I hadn’t heard from him, and I was worried that I had been dumped. He laughed and said no, that if he were going to dump me he would stop calling. How comforting. (Well, he DID stop calling!!!!) He was at work, but it was a new painting job, because he had gotten fired from the other one. Oh. Then he told me that he wouldn’t be able to move to Atlanta because of his nephews. He would have to take them with him, and he just couldn’t do it. And he even used Israel’s old phrase “I’m just not free.” Well, okay so he wasn’t able to move down; it didn’t mean the end of our relationship, right? He never said so, so when I got off the phone with him I really didn’t think too much of it. I should have, because that was the last time he called me.
THE SEARCH FOR JAVIER MURO/JORGE CORTEZ
Just to sum it up, my acting internship fell apart during their production of Three Sisters. But that wasn’t the only thing that fell apart.
Following Three Sisters and when I had time, I decided to at long last, return to N.C. and ask Javier why he hadn’t called me. Dumb. Very dumb. I actually believed that maybe he had gotten deported. Or perhaps even hurt and in the hospital. So, I booked a motel room on the outskirts of Durham, and left on Friday April 19, 1996, for Durham, N.C. I was thankfully escaping Freaknik, telling myself ‘Yes, this is what and why I am escaping.’
I’m a damn good sleuth, just like Nancy Drew!
I got there and checked into the Howard Johnson off Hillandale and immediately began my search. In my motel room I began calling all the area hospitals such as Duke Memorial, Duke General, and UNC Memorial. None of them had either a Javier Muro or a Jorge Cortez listed. ‘Okay. I’ll ride over to his apartment.’ I thought. It was dark by the time I got to Juniper Street. I ascended the metal steps that you could break your ass on and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again. Still no answer. Okay. Out of the corner of my eye I could have sworn I saw someone peeping out of the window. I left and went back to the motel to rest. The plan was to go to The Power Company that night. Surely I’d run into him there.
I got to The Power Company and made my way into the night. I went upstairs to the upper bar and looked around. No Javier. I went back downstairs and searched in the dyke side, the white boy’s side, the mixed side, and the black side. No Javier. I went downstairs to the lower bar. NO JAVIER!!! Okay. So, I went back upstairs, ordered a drink, and sat in the mixed side. Soon, an older gentleman, who claimed to be the CEO of a major computer corporation, joined me. He tried to pick me up, and under normal circumstances I would have gone along with him. These weren’t exactly normal circumstances. When I think back on it, I should have. I slid out of the proposition, and he soon left me alone. I finished my drink and left.
The next morning, which was Saturday, I decided to head back to Juniper. I got over there convinced that someone would be there. No answer when I knocked. Just as I was leaving I noticed a family preparing to go somewhere. I decided to ask them where the leasing office was. I figured I could at least find out if he had moved. Again. I learned from the mother that the leasing office was located on the boulevard and that it wouldn’t be open again until Monday. Damn! But all was not lost. I wasn’t leaving until Monday anyway. As I was leaving, I jotted down the number to the leasing office, which was located on the side of one of the buildings in the complex. I decided to try yet another angle. I remembered that Javier had written me once and told me that his friend Rafael worked at a fast food Chinese place at Northgate Mall. I hopped in my Corsica and headed for Northgate.
Nancy Drew on the case of the missing Javier/Jorge
I got to Food Court and searched in vain for this Chinese restaurant. I did eventually find the Chinese restaurant, Formosa. No Rafael. Okay. Time to head back to the motel and regroup. I took a nap when I got there and decided to eat and go back to Juniper Street. When I got there, I noticed a light on in one of the rooms. ‘He’s home!’ I thought. I calmly walked up those metal stairs and knocked. The door opened, and I was staring face to face with some Hispanic guy I’d never seen before.
“Hello.” I said.
“Hola.”
“Is Jorge Cortez at home?”
“Huh? Jorge? You mean Javier?”
“Yes.”
“He moved.” The guy replied.
“Moved? Where?” WTF???
“I dunno.” The guy stammered. I obviously had awakened him from his nap.
“Does he live in Durham? Chapel Hill?” I asked, the desperation rising in my voice.
“He in Durham.” He replied. We were at last getting somewhere.
“Where in Durham?”
“I no remember.”
“Please try. Is it near here?”
“No, it near Duke.” Okay that’s better.
“Do you remember the name? The apartment number?” I continued.
“I’m sorry, I don’t.” This was like getting blood from a turnip.
“All right. Gracias. Does he at least come by here? Have you seen him?”
“Oh. Si!”
“Good I want to leave him a message.” I quickly got a pen and paper from my car and left my phone number and hotel room number of where I was staying.
“If you see him, please give him this.” I said.
“I will.” The tiny guy replied.
All right. So at least he hadn’t been deported. And he wasn’t laid up somewhere in some hospital. But the question was why hadn’t he called? Then I thought ‘Maybe he’ll be in Raleigh!’ So, off I went: TO CC!!!!!!
No, he wasn’t there either. Midway through the evening I decided that the little asshole just wasn’t worth it. It FINALLY began to sink in that yes, I had been dumped. The oldest game of not returning calls now known as ghosting. We didn’t have a name for it back then. LOL
I began to drink rather heavily, and soon I found myself across the street at Legends. I wanted so desperately to pick someone up, to get picked up, and this is when I noticed this cute Hispanic guy standing a few feet away. I was in the dance area at the bar, and this guy was standing on the other side of the bar. I began smiling at him, and he noticed me and began smiling back. The next thing I knew I was motioning for him to come to me. He shook his head and pointed to where he stood. What the hell, I was tipsy and I didn’t care. I went over to him and began talking to him. His English was not good at all. He was cute though, but he looked awfully familiar. I managed to find out his age, which was 25, thanks to his companion who stood next to him. The companion looked familiar, too. Well, I continued flirting with the first guy, but I liked the way the 2nd guy looked as well until I looked at them both and said, “I know both of you.”
“We’re friends of Javier’s!” the interpreter said.
OH SHIT!!!!!!! IT WAS RAFAEL AND HECTOR! No wonder they looked so familiar! I didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or relieved to have found a true connection to Javier. I just dove right in.
“Where is Jorge? I haven’t heard from him. I understand he moved. Where?” I asked.
“Yes. He lives in University Apartments near Duke.” Rafael replied. YES!!!!
“Which apartment number?” I asked. Rafael thought a moment.
“2-C.” WONDERFUL!!!
“Thanks, Rafael.”
Me, Rafael, and Hector as The Three Investigators. I’m Jupiter Jones ROTFL!
Soon after our exchange, Hector and Rafael left, and I was left armed with this valuable piece of information. ‘I’ve got you now Jorge Cortez or Javier Muro or whatever you’re calling yourself!’ I thought.
The next day the plan went as follows: I checked out of the motel, and I went to Orange Grove Baptist, the same church Teresa, Javier, and I went to back in January. Afterward, I changed clothes at the park (the same park I went to with Javier when he confessed who he really was, and the same park I went to after my HIV test that time when I thought I had it. I quess this park has seen a lot of action) and set out to find University Apartments. After asking directions, it finally dawned on me that I knew where it was. Many years ago back in the summer of 1989 when I attempted to drive to a friend’s house, I ended up on that road in front of a series of apartments. I remembered that one of them was University Apartments!!!!
I got there, parked in front of the apartments, and went around back in search of the C-building. I found it and nervously made my way inside. I looked at all the doors to see which one was #2. Turned out it was upstairs, so I climbed the stairs and stood nervously outside the door. ‘Knock, dammit.’ I thought. I did and heard a female voice ask, “Who is it?” ‘It must be Maria!’ I thought. ‘But where’s the accent?’
“It’s Derek.” I replied. The person came to the door and opened it. Well, it wasn’t Maria. This chick was an older-looking lady.
“I’m sorry. I’m looking for Javier Muro.”
“No one by that name lives here.”
“Well, thank you.” The disappointment was rather high. I left thinking that Rafael did say 2-C. I decided to see if the leasing office was open, so I walked all the way to the front. No dice. Sealed tighter than Fort Knox. ‘What am I going to do?’ I thought. I headed toward the back again and entered the B-building, thinking Rafael meant “B”. I went upstairs to 2-B and was about to knock when I noticed the name “Jackson” on the door. I also heard voices inside. Very American. I guess it wasn’t Javier’s apartment. I was getting very frustrated with the whole thing. Not B. Not C. Maybe D? I tried that and knocked, but no one was home. Maybe Javier’s place? Hmmm. I looked at my watch and noticed that it was nearly 5 p.m. I knew Teresa, who was in D.C., would be back soon, and I figured I should just give up and go there.
I was leaving the D-building when I noticed a guy who looked sort of familiar coming out of the G-building. He was Hispanic, attractive, in his early 20s, but he wasn’t Javier. Yet there was something vaguely familiar about him, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it …
I was walking down the sidewalk to my car when I swear to God, a voice in my head (not to be confused with the other voices in my head) told me to drop my keys and pretend to pick them up as I turn around. After I did all of this I noticed a heavy-set female in the distance at a clothesline hanging sheets. I walked slowly towards the female, and the closer I got the more I realized that she, too, was familiar. She kept staring at me like she knew me, too. It was Maria! When I got close enough she said, “Derek?” I responded with, “Maria?” She smiled and then walked up and hugged me. I dispensed with some small talk and then asked what I was dying to know:
“Where’s Javier?”
“He spent the night in Cary. And he’s sleeping.”
So, he was inside! FINALLY! All of my detective work had paid off. Nancy Drew would be so proud!!!! Maria took me inside to “2-G!” Rafael meant “G!” (Either that or he was trying to throw me off the scent.) Once inside, I also saw the same guy who had walked out of the G-building previously. He was one of Javier’s nephews, which explained why he looked so damn familiar!
Happier times
Maria led me to one of the bedrooms, and she went to get a chair from the kitchen for me to sit. She then sat on the floor and smiled at me. I just assumed that she had gone to wake Javier when she got the chair. I stared at her for a second, then I told her that I thought Javier was there. Miscommunication. Turned out that in her broken English, she was actually telling me that Javier had spent the night in Cary and that he was still in Cary! He had gone to a party and had stayed over. He was coming back that day. She promptly informed me that Javier didn’t have a boyfriend, as far as she knew. Thanks for the info, Maria. I asked her when he was returning. She figured he’d be back around 8 p.m. that night. I told her I’d be back, but first I left Teresa’s number where he could reach me.
I caught up with Teresa at her apartment around 6 p.m. and began to explain to her why I was there and what had happened. We were interrupted by a visit from a friend of hers, Sharon. Without shame I told my tortured saga of Jorge Cortez. Midway through the story the phone rang, Teresa answered it and told me that IT WAS JAVIER! I calmly walked to the phone.
“Jorge! How are you!”
“Fine. And you?”
“I’m fine. Jorge, I need to see you. Where are you?”
“I’m at a pay phone and then I gotta get some groceries, but then I’ll be home later.”
“Do you mind if I stop by to see you later?”
“No, I don’t mind,” he replied.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Are you really sure?”
“Yes.”
“I mean it is all right?”
“Yes!” He sounded a little irritated. I guess it was all right.
We set a time of 9 p.m. I got off the phone with him and told Teresa and Sharon what had happened. I also explained that I was leaving to meet him. Teresa told me that she’d see me tomorrow. I chuckled and said that I’d be back that night. She said no, she’d see me tomorrow.
I was late arriving at University Apartments. I went to the same outside door to G-building I was at earlier that day, but this time it was locked. I should have taken that as a sign. I knocked and knocked and knocked until a short, sexy little man wearing no shirt came to the door! It was Javier, and damn he looked good!!
‘I am not going to let him seduce me. It is over. I am going to tell him off and then I’m going to leave. He’s going to have to have a damn good reason for not calling me, to make me stay!’ I thought.
He opened the door, and smiling, he immediately hugged me.
“Why did you come to the back?” He asked.
“It’s really the only entrance I know.”
He led me upstairs to 2-G and to his bedroom. The same seat that Maria had for me was waiting for my confused ass to plop down into. So, I parked it and Jorge sat on the floor opposite me, staring at me wide-eyed. I just jumped right in, telling him that I wasn’t going to put up with his not calling me anymore, that basically I had had to look for him, and I did it to say good-bye. He sat there in silence. Then he said, “Give me another chance.” I looked at him, for I really didn’t know what to say. He then told me that his brother, the father to his nephews, had been murdered in Mexico! I sat in stunned silence! I don’t remember the details of Javier’s story, but I remembered what I had thought previously about that good reason. I guess this was it. I asked why Rafael, Maria, or Hector hadn’t said anything about it? He told me I would have to ask them.
Well, I gave him that 2nd chance and we made up. He stood up, walked over to me, and sat in my lap. We kissed and then we stood up. He grabbed my ass, and I picked him up and we ended up on the floor, rolling around smooching. He then asked if I was hungry and wanted to get something to eat. I told him sure, then we took off for Ham’s on Franklin Street. As we were leaving the building, Maria, Rafael, and Hector, who were outside at this point, stared at us.
While we were there, Javier kept asking me if I noticed anything different about him. I studied and studied and studied and studied him like he was a piece of sheet music I had to sightread at All State. I couldn’t tell a thing. Finally he told me he had shaved his eyebrows in the space between his eyes where it connected. Okay. He didn’t order anything to eat, just Coke, no ice. By the time we left, it was close to midnight. I didn’t want to leave him, so we drove to Carrboro Park. We couldn’t get in because the gate was up. So, I parked outside the gate, and he and I talked.
I wanted to know more about his brother. He didn’t say a whole lot about him. He had brought a Spanish magazine with him and began to read aloud from it. Something he read kind of reminded him of his brother, and he sort of teared up. I touched him and we looked at each other. Soon we were in each other’s arms again, kissing and nibbling. I suggested we get in the back seat. We did; he pulled off his shirt, and I undid his pants. And yes, we had sex. Afterward, we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Bright and early the next morning we drove to Teresa’s. Javier stayed in the car while I went inside. I was a bit embarrassed because she had been right; I did stay out all night with Javier. She had company of her own; a man was asleep in her bedroom. She didn’t waste time. We said our good-byes there, and I promised I’d call once I got back to Atlanta. Then I took Javier home.
Javier helped me take my bag inside so I could shower and change. After he showered and changed, he came back clad in only a towel. He shyly put his underwear on underneath the towel and took the towel off. I remarked on what a magnificent body he had! His legs were so muscular, and his stomach had ripples! And his chest was slightly built! I told him we should go swimming sometime. He grinned. I noticed a picture of his 3-year-old daughter, Jessica, and remarked that she was going to grow up to be a heartbreaker like her father. He laughed.
After we both got dressed, we dined in high style at the Waffle House on Hillsborough. He then asked me to take him to check on his car. It wasn’t ready so we drove back to Carrboro Park, where we walked and talked and spent one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced in my life.
Carrboro Park
He told me that one day he’d like to build a house in Mexico. I would never want him to leave. We walked around the park until we got to the spot where I broke down in October 1989 after Phil rejected me. If only Javier knew… We laid a blanket out, and I got my boom box, and we lay on the blanket. It was midday and yes, there were people there. It did not stop us from kissing each other. I remarked that there was a couple there, and they saw us. I then asked if he cared. He said no, because it was his life. Good answer!!
Our conversation consisted of me possibly wanting to move to California some day and him not wanting to. And I also proposed to him and told him that if it took 1 year, 2 years, 5 or 10, one day we would be married to each other!
My theme song for him
We continued kissing, and soon Jorge stretched out in my lap and fell asleep. The strains of SWV’s You’re the One For Me could be heard coming from my box. It just didn’t get any better than that. I was so in love, so deeply, fully, madly in love with the man who called himself Jorge Cortez!
After the park we went to the Northgate Mall and hung out. I then took him to check on his car. Still not ready, so we headed for his apartment. In front of the McDonald’s on Morgan Street, I asked him if we were still committed to each other. And he said yes. I also made him promise to call me.
He said he would. Outside his apartment, we said our good-byes. He didn’t want to kiss in front of his building, so I took him around the corner of his apartment building in my car where we shared what was to be our last kiss. I then brought him back to the front of the building after I made him promise he’d call me. Once again he said he would. He then sat on the stoop outside his building and watched me pull off for Atlanta. Good-bye Javier. BECAUSE THIS TIME IT WAS GOOD-BYE!
As I pulled away, I got this feeling that it was over, that it should probably be over. I made a promise to myself that if he didn’t call me within a week, that I would deem it over and go on with my life. AND A WEEK WENT BY AND NO PHONE CALL!!! GOOD-BYE JORGE CORTEZ/JAVIER MURO!!!!
So, that was pretty much that. However, what was VERY strange is that I DID continue to run into him. The day we buried my grandmother in February of 1998, afterward I went to CC in Raleigh and saw him at Legend’s!! We chatted. He supposedly had a boyfriend at this point. However, he stuck to my side like glue the ENTIRE night! Come to think of it, I had no idea where the boyfriend was. And other people noticed and thought we were a couple.
Later that year in 1998, I was working for a certain touring troupe, which shall remain nameless, and we actually traveled to Raleighwood!! I did get in touch with him then, and he actually came to see me perform! Also, later that summer, I traveled back to North Carolina to do a show at Snow Camp and ran into him at a club in Greensboro. One time only the entire summer. I believe he gave me his number, too, which I called and he had already moved!!!
And a couple of years after that, oddly enough, I started running into him in Atlanta!!! Once was during one of our gay pride celebrations at Piedmont Park. And another time actually at the club formerly known as Burkhart’s. (And he had the NERVE to give me his number, which I never used. At this point, I knew how the game was played!) What was stranger, is that my brother was visiting that weekend, and I had dragged him to the gay bars with me!! LOL He and Javier actually met!! On the ride to the Eagle, I told him how Javier almost ended up being his brother-in-law. Yeah. Right.
From August 2002, one of the times he ventured to Atlanta – FINALLY!
Another time I even ran into him at Taco Cabana, the picture from above, where he told me he was going to move to Atlanta. 😂😂😂. And of course that NEVER happened. That night, he also told my friends that I had changed. That I was ‘mean and I used to be sweet and kind.’ What. Ever. I suppose dealing with men who make promises they don’t keep has a tendency to do that to someone. 😁🙂🤩
And I was to later learn that a friend of mine’s ex-boyfriend had a brief encounter with Javier! He actually SAW the twin once and thought it was Javier! I can’t make this stuff up! Me and this guy spent a lot of time swapping stories about Javier/Jorge!
In summation, when I read over all of this, it actually makes me sick to think that I was so stupid and so gullible. You see, all of the above is part of the reason why I am still single and don’t fall for men and their lines any more. Bitter party of One?? Perhaps. But I don’t have time for foolishness like this, because it is not good for my overall mental wellbeing.
And to this day, I have no idea where he is. And I don’t care. Actually, just for funsies last year, I decided to look him up on Facebook. And I found that he lives in Arizona, but the year of his profile pic was from 2017 or 2018. So, he could still be there. Or somplace else. He, of course, enjoyed being nomadic. Wherever he is, I do wish him well, though.
More recent pic of the man, the myth from circa 2018
I learned A LOT during this experience. For one, NEVER chase after a man. Also, accept that when it is over, it is over, as well as accept things at FACE VALUE, i.e. the use of another name, not returning phone calls, excuses, etc. And most importantly, that I am a damn good super sleuth!! Especially that one!! LOLOL
Well, that is going to wrap up this sad, sad tale, yet a great learning lesson. I will be back in TWO WEEKS with another post. So, be on the lookout. Until then, please be mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
