Category: mental health and well-being

Welcome back, my dearest friends! Hoping you had a great holiday and Happiest of New Year’s!!

As promised, here is Part 2 of my Javier story from 26 years ago! Enjoy!

Jorge would call me, and we chatted incessantly on the phone for what seemed like hours, though they weren’t really.  He had to use calling cards to call me from a pay phone.  He would constantly ask in his broken, yet sexy English, “When you come here?”  He knew all about my then-acting internship and how hard it was for me to get away.  He missed me, and I missed him terribly.  However, we did get a chance to be together the weekend of January 19, 1996. 

I arrived at The Power Company around 11:30 p.m.  I was brimming with excitement as I stood in line to get in. After I finally gained entrance, I made my way into the crowded bar and upstairs to the mezzanine to see if I could spot him.  While there, I saw him on the dance floor.  Oh, how I loved to watch him dance, the way he moved.  It was part erotic in a cute, boyish way.  Part methodical, part slave to the music.  He was wearing dark slacks, red shirt, and a black vest.  He looked so good!  I kept watching, staring until I noticed he wasn’t dancing alone.  There was some black guy dancing with him!  Shit!  Suddenly, I was struck with a twinge of jealousy.  ‘What the hell?’  I thought.  Well, I didn’t exactly freak out like that, but I was still curious as to who that guy was.  Had Jorge  replaced me that quickly?  I somehow remained calm.  I guess all those years of experience with Darrell and Israel had prepared me for such shenanigans.       

I coolly made my way to the dance floor to get a closer look.  They weren’t touching, which was a good sign, but Jorge at one point had his back to him, like he wanted him to freak him from behind (or so I thought), but the guy never did.  Another good sign.  I got to the floor and stood near where they were dancing in hopes that Jorge would see me.  He didn’t, so I got on the dance floor and danced near them.  I got so close to him and actually touched him before he realized it was me.  (I later realized Jorge really couldn’t see that well in the dark.)  Child, his face was like daybreak at dawn when he realized it was me.  He grabbed me and hugged me tightly.  He grabbed his coat from the floor nearby and without a word to that other guy, he took my hand and led me upstairs to the upper bar, and we sat down on one of the couches. 

                “I didn’t want to interrupt.” Me still being calm, cool and ever so collected. 

                “Whaddaya mean?” 

                “That guy you were dancing with.”

                “Oh, him.”  He laughed.  “No, that ‘s the boyfriend of my friend Hector.  No, I was waiting for you!”  With that he leaned towards me and we shared a steamy kiss. 

He smelled so good and he tasted even better.  We kept kissing and pulling back and looking into each other’s eyes and smiling.  I WAS IN HEAVEN!  Unlike Darrell Mitchell, Jorge’s eyes never drifted away from mine to look at anyone else.  And I never let mine drift away either. 

As we chatted, he kept squeezing my hand and looking at me.  I could feel his soul slowly creeping into mine, and I didn’t want it to end…EVER!  He asked me if I wanted something to drink.  I asked for a Coke, and when he brought two Cokes back, it was then that I learned he likes his without ice.  We continued our conversation, then we went to dance.  He had this wonderful way of dancing where he moved his feet with small steps and swung his arms outward in a circular motion.  I couldn’t help but copy that, the way I used to copy Charles’s rotating hips when he danced …

Our evening at The Power Company was magical!  And my God, we closed the place.  We shared a lovely slow dance, and I was finally with a partner (with the exception of Charles) who wanted to slow dance with me.  We ended up downstairs in the video area on the sofa, cuddling until they told us we had to leave.  We went to coat check to get our coats, and Jorge couldn’t produce his ticket.  They wouldn’t get his coat, and I was ready to do battle for my man.  Did I say that?  Damn straight I did!  😂🤣 Jorge began to pull me away, but suddenly the coat check girl, who saw how fiercely determined I was for Jorge to get his coat, gave it to him anyway.  Then we left. 

We got to his car first, and we were trying to figure out what to do next.  We were at his trunk when I noticed a bumper sticker that said Culican Sinaloa.  He told me that it was his hometown.  I then asked about Maria, Hector, and Rafael, and he said that he had told them he was coming to The Power Company by himself because he was meeting me.  He didn’t want them tagging along.  A man after my own broken, yet rapidly mending heart.  We got into his car then we drove to mine, which was parked on the bar level of the deck.  He parked, and then I retrieved a gift from my car that I had made for him.  It was a copy of this Love Sounds tape I had made for myself years ago.  It contained a lot of slow, romantic songs from artists such as Lisa Stansfield, Hall & Oates, Janet Jackson, and Kenny G.  He was overjoyed that I gave him the tape.  He smiled, staring soulfully into my eyes as he leaned forward and kissed me sweetly yet again.  He then put the tape into his deck, and soon we were listening to Lisa Stansfield’s You Can’t Deny It.  We began kissing passionately and by the time we got to the 3^rd cut on the tape, Kenny G’s Songbird, we were – well, let’s just say it’s again PRIVATE! 😁😀🤣😂😅 

It was North Pole outside, but oh so Cancun inside. Turns out we both had colds, but I was NOT about to let that stop me from returning to North Carolina to see Jorge. And apparently, it didn’t stop Jorge either.  He had been painting outside in the cold, poor baby.  But I didn’t care how sick I was; I wanted him. 

We collapsed in a sweaty heap into each other’s arms.  We were positively drenched in an ocean of wet!  And Jorge ‘s windows were steamed, I kid you not.  We soon fell asleep in each other’s arms listening to Songbird.  The tape had looped back around.  As a matter of fact we ended up sleeping there in his car the entire night.  And every now and then I would awake and hear the strains of Kenny G’s Songbird coming from the stereo.  It was amazing how I picked up on that song.  No, his stereo wasn’t broken.  I would slightly hear the other songs in my slumber, but for some reason I would only clue in to that particular song. In my sleepy, dreamy state I decided that that was OUR SONG. 

We awoke to the sun breaking into the car later that morning.  Jorge sat up and kissed me.  He then stared at me, smiling sleepily.  Oh, I must have looked a sight!  I don’t think he cared.  I told him I couldn’t believe we’d spent the entire night in his car.  He told me he was glad he could spend it with me.  AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                “Te quiero mucho, Jorge!” 

                “Te quiero mucho, mi nino.”  He smiled. 

I asked him what he was doing that day. He was supposed to have worked, but he took off just to be with me.  I told him I wanted to go back to Teresa’s and shower and change, and then I would be back to pick him up, because Teresa and I were supposed to meet my friend Becca in Raleigh.  I wanted to pick him up early enough to steal some alone time with him. 

After returning to the apartment and getting some rest and showering, I returned to Juniper Street in Durham to pick up Jorge. We spent the day together simply walking around and talking.  I showed him Carolina’s campus, and we walked through my favorite place, the arboretum.  He was wearing his white coat, the one that had gotten accidentally locked up in CC last month, the night I met him. We had a remarkable conversation about – SEX!  He admitted to me that he had bought a box of condoms, just in case!  😍 I marveled at meeting someone who thought ahead and who was also willing to use condoms unlike some other bastard I knew and despised, my first boyfriend, Darrell. Anyway, we left soon after to get Teresa, and head to Raleigh. 

In Raleigh, we had dinner with my friends Becca and Teresa at the Olive Garden. The evening was fabulous as the girls got to know more about Jorge, and I played footsy with him under the table.  I was overjoyed to have this moment with my 2 best friends from N.C. and a new man that I liked a lot.  Jorge hardly touched his meal.  His stomach was nervous.  So was mine.  Being around him gave me not just butterflies but Mothra, and I loved it!            

We finished up and after dropping everyone off at their respective places, Jorge and I decided to return to Raleigh.  We stopped for gas, and he paid without me asking.  We went through Durham, however, and stopped off at the Community Park because he had something to tell me.  He said he wanted to be honest with me.  I guess this was coming from me having told him that I was going to be honest with him, that there was no need to lie about anything.  What Jorge admitted to me was that his real name was Javier Muro Aguirre.  There was no Jorge Cortez, except he had a twin brother, and his name was Jorge!  I really wasn’t too surprised, considering the night I met him I saw his full name on his driver’s license, Javier Muro Aguirre. 

So, he was really Javier Muro.  Of course I asked him why the pseudonym.  He hated the name Javier. Just like I hate my first name, William.  

“Why?”  I asked.  “After all it is such a beautiful name.”  He just didn’t like it.  I told him I understood, because my first name was William, and I really hated that.  He still wanted me to call him Jorge.  I nearly launched into my entire split personality story, but decided against it, remembering the damage it had done to my relationships with both Darrell and Israel.  For some odd reason around Jorge I was at peace, and I didn’t feel a need to splinter off into other personalities.

We continued on to Raleigh and CC, where I glimpsed Phil and paid no attention to him. Javier and I sat at one of the small tables and watched the moving bodies on the dance floor, that is when we weren’t watching each other.  We were listening to tunes such as These Sounds Fall into My Mind by the Bucketheads and that Spanish-sounding song Magic Carpet Ride.  We were hugging and holding hands and being quite romantic, until we joined those sweaty, gyrating bodies on the floor.  They were playing Mariah Carey’s Fantasy.  Yes, it was like a fantasy, a sweet, sweet fantasy baby!  They were playing a real funky remix that slowed down to a halt in the middle, then sped up.  Jorge and I held hands the entire time, gazing into each other’s eyes longingly.  He never took his eyes off me, not for a second, and I never took my eyes off his.  There was this strong, STRONG connection between the two of us that I had NEVER experienced with another PERSON ever!!!!  We continued to gaze into each other’s eyes until we melted into a very deep SOUL KISS that seemed to last for a wonderful eternity.  As a matter of fact I could have spent an eternity locked in his arms like that.  We broke from our kiss and I spoke.

                “How do you say ‘I want to make love to you’ in Spanish?”  He smiled then he whispered, “Yo quiero hacerte el amour.”  I repeated it to him.

                “Yo quiero hacerte el amour.”  He smiled and repeated it back to me.

We then kissed once more, left the dance floor, got our coats, and walked out of CC hand in hand.  At the door, he helped me into my coat.  What a gentleman!  He held the door open for me, too.

We decided to go back to his place, because Hector, Rafael, and Maria were not supposed to be there.  Thankfully they weren’t, so Jorge led me into his bedroom.  The lights went out, except for the TV and we began staring at each other.  I slowly began to peel off his clothes, beginning with his coat.  Then I began unbuttoning his shirt, as he did the same for me.  He slowly slid out of his shirt, and he helped me get out of mine.  We hugged each other tightly, then I unbuckled his pants and unzipped them.  He let his pants hit the floor.  I pulled his yellow boxers down until they were around his ankles.  He proceeded to unbuckle and unzip my pants as well.  Soon we were both naked, standing in front of each other eagerly anticipating the next move.  We just fell into each other’s arms and fell onto the bed. 

We began to make love on top of his bed.  Such energy he had!  It was like having an aerobic workout my heart was pounding so hard!  We were all over each other.  I was on top of him; he was on top of me.  We were in the throes of passion, when suddenly we heard someone try to enter the room.  (Fortunately, Jorge had locked the door.)  Rafael, Maria, and Hector had returned and we were banging on the door!! I could hear Maria’s voice sputtering Spanish left and right!  Jorge and I got off the bed and began dressing quickly.  When we were dressed, he unlocked the door and Maria stormed in followed by Hector and Rafael.  She was pissed, but Hector and Rafael were amused.  When they saw me there, they knew the 411.  Maria, however, kept right on yelling in Spanish.  Javier gave her a look and quietly threw out a couple of phrases as we were leaving.  Outside the room he told me what she had said.

                “I’ll have to use Clorox to clean the sheets!”

                “Well, that’s not very nice!”

                “Oh, she was just joking.” 

                “No, she wasn’t.” 

I was not surprised that she would say something like that, because Jorge told me once that she was jealous of me.  I don’t know why.  Javier had assured me there was nothing between the two of them, and I believed him.  (Well, girl you know how men are, particularly Mexican men and their big women!)  But the question was where were we going to go to be alone?  Perfect solution:  A motel!     

We hit the Durham streets and headed toward the boulevard in search of  a motel.  The Carolina/Duke Inn was booked solid, so we tried the Travel Time Inn across the street from Darryl’s.  No telling what the clerk thought when he noticed Javier in the car.  Nope.  I was finally involved with someone who was single.  Ha!! At last we were together again uninterrupted. We went upstairs, undressed, and crawled into bed. 

I awoke around 7 a.m.  I had told Teresa that Javier and I would be accompanying her to church that morning.  While he was in the bathroom, I called her and told her we were still coming, but I had to take him back to his place to change. 

Outside at the car, Javier held my coat for me, and he opened my door and held it for me, too.  Teresa watched all of this with disbelieving eyes.  We made a stop in Chapel Hill, and he even helped Teresa wash, clean out, and vacuum her car.  He didn’t seem to mind.  After that we went to eat at a Chinese restaurant at University Square.  Javier shocked both of us when he picked up the check!  

Afterwards, we got back to Teresa’s, and Javier and I decided to go to the movies.  We ended up at Timberlyne and decided to see Eye for an Eye, with Sally Field and Kiefer Sutherland.  I paid for the movie since he had paid for dinner.  Once we found our seats, Javier helped me out of my coat, and I helped him out of his.  There was no one else in the theater yet, so we had carte blanche to do what we wanted.  We sat in the very back so we could be alone and smooch.  We immediately sat close and held hands and kissed.  I looked at him and marveled at how sexy he was.  His eyes were so beautiful, brown, and sparkling; his lips were thin, yet sensuous; his moustache was missing this time (he shaved it off by accident), yet he still looked so good; and his eyebrows were bushy and connected, sort of like Eddie Munster, except Javier was much better looking.  And his smile was probably his best feature, the way he sort of half-smiled.  I found that soo sexy for some reason.                

We were enjoying ourselves when we began to realize that people were filing into the theater.  Soon the previews were rolling, and Javier and I settled back into our seats holding each other’s hands.  Though I did want to see the movie, we ended up kissing in the middle of the movie several times.  One of my eyes was on the screen, the other on Javier, until I gave up and totally gave him my 100% undivided attention.  I began to realize that my feelings for him had really begun to take off and grow.  They were getting deeper and deeper and stronger and stronger.  I had been falling for this man basically since I met him.  He had wanted me to stay with him on this trip, but I had politely declined, not because I didn’t want to sleep with him in his bed, but because his place was way too crowded.  Suddenly, Javier announced that he had to go to the bathroom.  I smiled at him and said okay.  When he returned I noticed he had two drinks with him.  The little devil had bought us drinks without even asking if I wanted anything.  How thoughtful!

                “Two Cokes.  No ice!”  He smiled sweetly.  I nearly started crying, because it was one of the most thoughtful things that any man had ever done for me.  It was then that I knew exactly how I felt about Javier Muro/Jorge Cortez: 

I WAS HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!

Hopelessly in love with him!  REALLY IN LOVE WITH HIM!  CRAZY IN LOVE WITH HIM!  After he sat down again and he kissed me, I whispered it to him.

                “I love you.”

He smiled at me, and I think he blushed.  He pulled me into yet another steamy kiss. 

                “Te amo, mi nino.”  He whispered in the dark.

                “Te amo, Javier.”

I never thought I’d ever feel that way about another man again, but I did.

After the movie, and being the gentleman that he was, he helped me back into my coat and I did the same for him.  After we left the movies, I took him for a ride around UNC’s campus.  He began telling me about his life in Mexico and how he was a cop.               

“A cop?”  Registered shock hit my face. 

                “Yeah.” 

                “And what would you do if you were a cop here in your squad car and you pulled me over for speeding?”  I asked, with a devilish gleam in my eye.  “Would you give me a ticket?”  I asked. 

                “If you liked me I wouldn’t give you a ticket, but if you didn’t like me I’d have to give you a ticket!”  He chuckled.  I smiled back at him. 

                “I love you.  I mean Te Amo, baby.”  I whispered.

                “Te Amo, mi nino.”  He then leaned over and kissed me.

After trips to the bookstore and Caribou Coffee, we ended up at The Carolina Coffee Shop on Franklin Street where I learned more about Javier.

When he was 15 years old, his mother shipped him off to the army.  Why?  I never knew.  I don’t think Javier knew why.  I figured with him being a Cancer and Cancer males were especially notorious for loving their mothers and getting along with them, that he and his mother got along.  Javier said he did not get along with his mother.  Oh, well blew that theory.  Growing up with 8 other brothers and sisters, which included a twin brother, was not always easy.  In school and at home, people confused him with his twin.  Whenever the real Jorge got into trouble at school and at home, Javier was the one who got blamed.  A whack up side his head at home by pops.  I don’t think he got along to well with him either.                

At any rate, Javier spent five years in the Mexican Army, and while he was there he ended up (1) falling down a hill and breaking a bone and (2) falling out of a helicopter!  A man after my own heart, one as danger-prone as I!  After he got out of the Army at about 20, he became a cop for 2 years.  I think it was towards the end of his stint as a cop that he met the woman who bore his daughter, Jessica.  But it just wasn’t meant for him to be a family man or for him to be straight.  He was introduced to homosexuality following a motorcycle accident, the accident that broke his right leg.  Maria helped him out back then when he couldn’t get around. Towards the end of his recovery, a male friend took him to a gay club and well, the rest is history.  He came to the U.S. early in 1995 and lived with a cousin in L.A.  He hated it.  When Hector called up and suggested he move to N.C., he gladly went.  Lucky for me.  

 Javier chatted incessantly, and it was so much fun just listening and watching him talk and talk and talk.  He was so animated! 

“Don’t let me talk so much.  You tell me something.”

                “All right.  Te amo.”  I smiled.

                “Te amo, baby.”  He dropped his eyes and lifted his head and smiled.  I just let him talk on.  It was the accent.  Awww, mushy, icky shit, I know but how many chances do I get?                  

I paid the bill and we left.  We walked down Franklin practically arm in arm.  Once we got to where BK Lounge used to be (Burger King), we were arm in arm.  We crossed the street just like that.  The time had come for me to take him home, and neither of us wanted that.  After we got back to Juniper Street, I asked him to give me another photo of him, and I promised I’d send him one of me.  He gave me a picture of him when he was in California, a photo of him in a tree, his feet propped against the limbs, and he was wearing a white “husband beater” tank T-shirt and olive slacks.  He really looked ethnic in that photo.  His hair was a little longer and he had his moustache.  He was so sexy!  At first I didn’t think it was him.     

                “Is this your brother?”  I queried.  He punched my arm and said, “No.”  I took it and I hugged and kissed my new (and hopefully last) lover.

                “I’ve got to go.”  I whispered.

                “I know.”  He whispered back.  Once we got outside and while we were standing on the landing he looked at me and said, “I’m starting to hate Atlanta!”  Those words rang in my ears like the blare of 1,000 trumpets.  I was beginning to hate Atlanta, too.  It was separating me from the man I truly loved!!!! 

                “Goodbye, Javier.”

                “No goodbye.  Hasta luego.  Until the next time!”

                “All right.  Hasta luego.  Until the next time.”  I smiled.  With that I climbed down those metal steps, climbed into my car, and drove off into the night as he watched from the landing.  And as I drove off, tears formed in my eyes and streamed down my face.

                “Hasta luego, Javier.”  I missed him already. 

Okay, so this ends Part 2. If you’re enjoying the story thus far, come back for the third and final part next week! Until then, as always, be mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Good day, my friends! Welcome back for another rather personal, yet light-hearted – light and airy – story from my past. My own little Christmas story, without the BB gun. 😂

My gristly little tale – kidding – started on my usual return home, back to North Carolina, for the holidays. The year was 1995, and I was already living in Atlanta. Back then, I would return to The Power Company in Durham to hang out and stay with my friend Teresa rather than get a hotel, because I’m a cheap Taurus. Ha!

It was December 23, 1995, and after hanging out with Teresa, I set out for The Power Company (which still featured prominently in my life at this time, following the Phil, Charles Enzor and Darrell storylines!). Please click on the Charles Enzor link to see last week’s post talking about The Power Company, on which I probably should do a blog post LOLOL 😂🤣

Anyway, before I left, I remember joking to Teresa that maybe I would go out and meet a Hispanic guy and end up with Hispanic in-laws. At this point in my story, I was starting to really desire Hispanic men in a big way!

Anyway, I arrived at The Power Company and no doubt parked on that same deck where I shared MANY kisses with Charles. The memories came flooding back of him and even Phil, but mostly Charles. However, I didn’t wish to involve myself with anyone at this time. My relationship with the married man of two years was over, and I did not want to meet anyone. That was most certainly not my intention. LOTS of backstory that I promise to cover in another blog post down the road. 😉😀

But anyway, I paid the usual cover and entered the bar. The first thing I did was enter the main bar. There are three floors to The Power Company: The middle main bar with the dance floor; the downstairs part with coat check, a bar, a bookstore, and a huge video screen and lounge area; and the top bar and mezzanine.

As soon as I entered the main bar, I was surrounded by the thump, thump, thump of the bass, pounding from the enormous speakers pumping out whatever dance song was hot at the time. (It could have been the above song, which was hot at the time.) I wanted to get my cocktail, which I believe at the time was still Brandy Alexanders or Kahlua and Cream. Fancy! So, I went up on the mezzanine and into the top bar and got my drink. I sat down, first, on one of the many rather cushy and comfy couches surrounding the top bar. My first thought was actually, ‘maybe I’ll run into Phil.’ But this time as a friend, not trying to pursue him. That was over. My how I’d grown up in the past six years! LOLOLOL

The top bar had a huge window that stretched across the length of the bar so you could look out onto the dance floor and see all of the hot guys grooving and vogueing. I watched the show for a while, and then I went back to the mezzanine to further observe, peruse and survey to see who I knew, something I often did there in the past.

My eagle eye finally caught a former trick from when I lived there. I recognized the face, but the hair was different, much shorter.  But I knew that because he hadn’t worn his rock-star type hair real long since that first night I met him at The Power Company six Christmases ago!  I suddenly had a flashback to Christmas 1989!  I remembered when Nick took over that night and slept with Ricky Mann at the Heart of Durham Hotel!  I snapped out of my catatonia and made my way over to Ricky and spoke.  He looked up and grinned, then we embraced.  He was there with his cousin, who was black.  Don’t ask.  Okay.  Ricky, who was white, had black in-laws.  Brief introductions were made.  Tony was his name, and before long we were on the dance floor.  At first we were dancing, but soon Tony disappeared and it was just Ricky and me.  There was one time we were standing on one side of the bar – where the lesbians normally stood – taking a break when I first laid eyes on HIM.                

He was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen at The Power Company, EVER! Hell anywhere! He was short, slender, had dark-hair, dark eyes, and a hint of a moustache and goatee.  He looked Mexican.  Oh, God HE WAS HOT!!!  He was on the dance floor, and he was wearing this bone white coat that hung slightly below his ass.  I noticed he was dancing with this tall, heavy-set girl, and I wondered if they were together together.  I didn’t care, because while I was talking to boring Ricky I kept stealing glances at this guy. 

This is how the night went on, me talking to Ricky while simultaneously checking this guy out.  The bar had thinned out, which STILL left a rather huge crowd of people in the bar. Ricky and I were dancing, and I noticed that this guy was dancing alone.  And he was so cute.  He was still wearing his coat.  I would try to dance near him, and of course he noticed me.  I wanted him to say something, but he never did.  At least I got a glance or two out of him.  Well, Ricky and I eventually tired and sat down facing the dance floor on the opposite side of the bar. I noticed that my guy from the dance floor and his female companion had returned and together they ended up standing exactly above Ricky and me. Hmmm.  Could it be I was being spied upon?  Could it be they were not together together?  Hmmm!

Ricky and I sat and talked, and it didn’t take me long to realize that Ricky was quite depressed.  I tried in vain to shake him out of it, but to no avail.  He just wanted to be miserable.  I tried to ask why he was feeling so blue.  His response?  Loneliness,  mostly due to the holidays, which is understandable. I tried to seduce him, figuring maybe that would cheer him up.  No good.  He was too far gone. So, I kept turning around and staring up at that sexy guy, exchanging glances with him.  He had the darkest, sexiest eyes.  It was sort of hard to tell in the dark if he was actually staring back at me, but when the strobe lights hit his handsome face, I could tell that he was. 

Ricky and his depressed state were getting on my damn nerves! It was hard to believe that this was the same man who picked me up six years prior.  He was a shell of his former self, complaining that he had gotten old and fat.  While he was throwing the pity party for one, I managed to get a smile out of that guy because I smiled at him.  I wanted so much to say something to him. 

Finally Ricky’s cousin came over and announced that he was ready to go.  Ricky and I exchanged hugs and wished each other a Merry Christmas.  And then they left, leaving me to stare up at Mr. Moustache. At one point, though, when I was glancing out at the dance floor pondering what to do, I noticed that his female companion was pushing the sexy guy out the door, literally!  He was leaning back against her, resisting her as if he didn’t want to go.  In that instant I felt sad, yet good at the same time.  Sad because he was leaving, but good because he obviously wanted to stay, maybe because of me.  I thought to myself, ‘Oh, well, he’s gone.’  So, I waited another 5 or 10 minutes, then I left, as well. 

I was heading for my car (this time I was able to get a space in front of the club as opposed to the deck) when suddenly from out of nowhere this big, tan Cadillac came barreling through the parking lot nearly striking me!  I instantly turned around and noticed it was him!  That sexy guy was driving!  He apparently never left, though his female companion was in the car with him.  Did he stick around because of me?  I wanted him to stop, but he kept on driving.  Christ, he was fucking beautiful!  But I thought, ‘Oh, well.  Who cares?  I’ll never see him again.  I’m through with men anyway!’  I had just broken up with my married man.  I didn’t need the aggravation.  However, that night on Teresa’s couch, I dreamt about that mysterious stranger …

The next day I did not mention the guy or the dream to Teresa.  I figured I just dreamt about a really hot guy and that was that.  Teresa and I had breakfast and hung out that day until nightfall, then I got ready for Capital Corral.  We had planned to leave together at 8 a.m. the next morning to go home for Christmas.  That meant I was supposed to cut my trip to CC short.  Except it didn’t happen that way …

I got to CC and for some reason, I thought that maybe I’d run into Mr. Moustache again, though it was unlikely that I’d get a 2^nd chance.  However, I was proven, like, SO WRONG when I realized lightning can strike twice.  I was posing near the entrance to CC, and he walked by me into the area where the pool table was located near the barber’s chair where Charles sat that time I fed him and Victor popcorn all those years ago …  Memories …  And now Charles was gone…forever.   

Anyway, I knew I had to say something to him, because what if I didn’t get another chance?  Moments later I saw him standing by the entrance to, I suppose was, the ladies’ room.  I walked up to him and stood there a moment behind him.  Then I tapped him on the shoulder.  He turned around and smiled at me.  Oh God he was as gorgeous as ever!!!!  Those dark piercing eyes, that moustache and goatee, and that jet black hair that looked just a little slicked back.  He was definitely Mexican, and he was most definitely HOT!!!!!  I then opened my mouth for the very first time to speak to him, praying I didn’t say something stupid or sound stupid:

                “Hello?  How are you?” 

                “Fine.  And you?”  He replied with a thick accent I found incredibly sexy. 

                “I’m all right.  Do you mind if I ask you how old you are?”  (Dumb!) I was in the company of such gorgeousness, I didn’t know what else to say.    

                “Guess!”  Oh he was sharp.  I stared at him for awhile.  He looked to be in his 20s, maybe mid-to-late. 

                “27.”  I guessed.

                He smiled and said he was 24.

                “You carry yourself older.” (Dumb and dumber) But isn’t that what everyone told me? 

I continued.  “My name is Derek.  What is yours?”  I asked eagerly.

  “Jorge.” 

Jorge.  Jorge.  Jorge.  So, his name was Jorge.  What a beautiful name for such a beautiful, little man.  He was wearing a tan, long-sleeve cotton shirt and matching tan jeans.  I asked him if he wanted to sit and talk, because clearly he was interested from the way he continued to grin this cute, sexy little half grin and cock his left eyebrow up.  He said yes, but he wanted to tell his friends first.  We marched up onto the dance floor where his female friend and about 3 or 4 other Mexican guys were sitting or standing around the blocks up there.  Jorge said something to them in Spanish, and then they all looked at me and began checking me out.  They must have thought he was going to take me somewhere and duck my brains out!  No, instead we went back into the main pool area and sat on the couch behind the pool table.  This is where I began to get to know Jorge. 

 I learned his name was Jorge Cortez and yes, he was from Mexico.  He had only been in the United States about 6 months, having first gone to live in California with relatives.  He hated it until a friend suggested he move to N.C.  He liked N.C. much better.  He was a painter, no not Rembrandt.  He painted buildings for a living, working for some company in Raleigh.  I noticed a bracelet that he was wearing that bore the name “AGUIRRE.”  I asked him about that, and he explained that it was one of his names.  We continued to talk, and I boldly asked him if he had a boyfriend.  He smiled and said, no.  He then asked me the same, and I told him, no not anymore.  I told him that I had just broken up.  And that is all I told him.  And to this day that’s all he knows about that.  He said he had broken up, too.  He then launched into this very strange tale about his ex.  He told me he dated this guy for about 6 months, but it took a bad turn.  He said that the guy called his parents in Mexico and told them that Jorge was dead!  That wasn’t very nice.

During the entire time we were talking, I was holding Jorge’s hands.  I looked up and saw Phil standing near the barber’s chair!  I remember thinking ‘Eat your fucking heart out Phil, and choke on it, bitch!’  I should have realized the two of them looked an awful lot alike… perhaps I do go after the same type of guys.

We continued to talk until I asked him if he wanted to come sit in my car and talk some more.  He smiled and agreed to go out to my car and talk.  It was so cold outside.  The chill in the air reminded me of previous December nights at CC.  Yes, one in particular:  The night I saw Charles, and he was so emaciated. But that was a black, ICE COLD night.  No, this one seemed to have a little warmth in the air.  

We got to my car and I stared at the small figure standing and shivering at my passenger-side door.  He was oh, so gorgeous!  I was grinning like a naïve schoolboy about to have his first kiss.  I must admit I was a little nervous and didn’t know what to expect.  I opened the door for him, and he climbed in.  I decided to do like that Italian kid in A Bronx Tale starring Robert De Niro where his son, that kid, lets the black girl into his car.  This older guy had told him if he wanted to know if this was the one, walk behind the car, and if she leaned over and unlocked the driver’s side for you, you’d know.  Guess what?  Jorge did!  Silly I know.  But what was that, again, about Hispanic in-laws? 😉

Anyway, he got inside my car and we continued to talk.  For some reason he ended up showing me his driver’s license, which said “Javier Muro Aguirre.”  His license showed that his birthdate was July 13, 1971 – A Cancer.  Compatible with my sign, Taurus.  Of course I asked why his license said “Javier Muro Aguirre” and not “Jorge Cortez.”  His explanation:  His entire name wouldn’t fit on there, and I believed it.  Uh-huh.  I didn’t care who he was.  I just wanted to talk. Besides, you know I was no stranger to giving out other names.        

I told him I was from Atlanta and he grimaced.  “That’s a long way,”  he said.  “Oh yes,” was my reply.  He told me that his wicked ex- boyfriend resided in Atlanta.  I didn’t care about that either.  (Years later, I met a guy living in Atlanta, who also knew Javier. They hooked up a couple of times, but this was AFTER I was with Javier. Interesting …) 

He continued to stare deeply into my eyes.  His stare washed over me like slinky silk.  He was drawing me in little by little with his gaze.  We continued to talk, and it didn’t seem to matter the subject.  Just listening to him turned me on.  His accent was very thick, and I found myself melting. 

                We got on the subject of Spanish, and I got him to teach me some Spanish phrases. 

                “What do you want to say?”  He asked me smiling. 

                “Ummm.”  I thought a moment.  “I know.  How do you say ‘You are handsome’?  Because you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen.”

                He looked at me as if I was joking, then he said, “Yeah right.”

                “No, I mean it.  So, how do you say ‘You are handsome?’

                “Tu eres hermoso.”  He whispered seductively. 

                “Tu eres hermoso.  Now, how do you say, ‘I think you are cute’?”

                “Yo pienzo que eres muy guapo.”

                “Yo pienzo que eres muy guapo.  How do you say, ‘I like you’?”

                “Te quiero mucho!”  He whispered smiling at me.

                “Te quiero mucho!”  and I meant every syllable.

He smiled at me as I said, “I’d better write all of these down.”  I reached into my armrest and pulled out a pen and my notepad and with his help, jotted down the phrases.

                He then told me, “There is one you forgot.”

                “Oh?”  I whispered hoarsely.

                “Si.  Te amo; I love you.”  I got so wet when he said that. 

                “Te amo.”  I repeated. 

                “You are learning so fast!”  He smiled sweetly.

                “I have a good teacher.”  I replied, smiling back at him.  And then I said, “Te quiero mucho.”

He responded with “Te quiero mucho, mi nino.”  He told me that ‘mi nino’ meant, my baby as in my little boy.  I hadn’t been someone’s baby since – all right since the married man, but it sounded nice and felt so natural coming from Jorge.

 I said “Te quiero mucho” again to Jorge, and he responded in kind.  I couldn’t stand it anymore.  Between his accent, his smoldering good looks, his smile, and his piercing brown eyes, I just couldn’t stand it.  I had to kiss him.  We leaned closer to each other and then it happened, the spontaneous connection.  Our lips were the first to touch.  Then our tongues began searching each other out in our mouths.  It was pure bliss!!!

He would pull back and stare soulfully into my eyes and whisper “Te quiero mucho, mi nino!” I repeated the phrase.

I WAS HIS!!!

Whatever he wanted!  He suddenly maneuvered himself across me to the lever of my chair.  He reclined me back and then lowered his small, but wiry body over mine.  We continued to make out and talk and whisper Spanish phrases to one another, until I realized I had to go back to Teresa’s.  We were leaving to return to Anson County that morning!  I told Jorge I had to go.  And I swear to God he looked into my eyes and with tears in his eyes whispered, “Don’t go.”  IT BROKE MY HEART!  I wanted nothing more than to stay with him.  I’d rather stay and get to know this handsome stranger who called himself Jorge than face my family with their pressures and demands and bullshit.  I told him I had to go, but I didn’t.  Not quite yet. We kissed some more, ok lots more. 

Several million kisses later, I glanced at my watch and was shocked to see that it was 5 a.m.!!!!!  Omigod!  I hadn’t meant to stay out that late.  Being with Jorge just stopped time.  I told him I really had to go.  We kissed one more kiss and then he realized he had to get his coat, which was still inside CC!!  We crossed the street and pulled on the door only to find it locked.  Poor Jorge’s coat was locked inside, his friends had left him, and there wasn’t a soul in the parking lot.  Our cars were the only ones left, my Corsica and his tan Hoop-D.  I had to pee so we went into the dreaded dirty bookstore and into the video area.  More memories, mostly Nick ones, but they didn’t bother me because I was with Jorge Cortez er Javier Muro!

We walked back out into the colder-than-a-witch’s titty air, and I stared at him shivering.  Poor baby had no coat on, and he was freezing.  So, I did something I would normally not do; I took off the ski jacket I was wearing and draped it around him, though he protested.  When he saw I meant it, he smiled and thanked me. 

“Gracias.” 

We then hurried across the street to our cars.  I took him to his, and he returned my coat and got in.  He tried to crank his car but it wouldn’t start!  He kept on trying but no deal.  He looked so sad.  For a split second I thought he’d planned it just so he could spend more time with me.  How silly, but how romantic.  I couldn’t just let him stand out there to freeze.

                “I’ll take you home!” 

                “Gracias.  Thank you.” 

 So, we climbed into my Corsica and took off.  He lived in Durham, so it was on my way and we could be together longer.  On the way, he snuggled up to me really close.  I loved it, because for some reason it felt as if we were an old, in-love couple and that we had been together for years.  It felt really nice.  We once tried to kiss, but then he advised me to keep my eyes on the road since I was about to run off of it!  So, we settled for snuggling.  Anyway, we took the Durham Freeway and got off at the Alston Avenue exit.  He directed me down this dark street with rows of houses, then suddenly he told me to pull over.  It was time.  He was HOT!  I was HOT! 

 Let’s just say that what happened next was VERY private. 😂😘

Afterward, we continued on our way to his apartment, which was Juniper Street Apartments located on Juniper Street.  We parked, smooched a little more, and then went up the metal stairs to his apartment.  He had told me that he lived with his female friend Maria, and friends Hector, Rafael, and his two nephews.  Damn!  We were quiet as we walked into the kitchen and sat.  We stared at each other for a full minute; we smiled, and then I suddenly asked for a picture of him.  He thought a moment, then he found this picture of him taken at Christmas, perhaps the year before.  This is the picture from above. I thanked him for the picture, telling him I’d have to send him a picture or 2 of me.  So, we exchanged addresses, and I gave him my number since he had ran up a $1,300 phone bill calling Mexico!  He had no phone, so he had to use a pay phone! All of this before cellphones!

He walked me back outside, and he promised to call me.  We hugged and then I climbed down the stairs to my car, got in and pulled away.  He stood at the railing staring down at me smiling… longingly.  I missed him already!

By the time I got to Teresa’s, it was 7 a.m. and daybreak.  We were supposed to leave at 8 a.m. for Anson County.  She was already up, but still in bed watching TV.  I apologized for not being back sooner, but she just gave me a knowing look. 

Anyway, back home I was on such a high, because all I could think about Jorge.

When I returned to Atlanta, everyone I was around at that time knew I was in love. Everyone said how I was “beaming” and “glowing” like a Roman candle. And it was all true! LOLOL And later that week after meeting Jorge and right before New Year’s Eve,  there was a message from Jorge on my answering machine (how archaic!!!) saying:

“This is George …I mean Jorge Cortez.  I just called to see how you’ve been.  And I think I love you.  Or something like that!  Bye!”  It was so cute!

 So, that was the beginning of the Jorge Cortez Movie!!!! 

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That is it for now, my dear friends. Stay tuned for Part 2 of the story. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas, Season’s Greetings, Happy Holidays and whatever you do or don’t celebrate. Be safe and enjoy, and above all, be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back my fellow friends in the fight against mental illness and for mental wellness!

I am honoring my promise to keep things light and airy during Christmastime, and I shall. And speaking of the phrase “light and airy,” that is what today’s topic is about – or rather, the person from whom I got the phrase: Mr. Charles Baxter Enzor.

I first met Charles at The Power Company, a gay bar in Durham, N.C., way back in 1990. It was during my Phil phase (which is another long story – which I shall also endeavor to keep brief someday 😂). Anyhoo, I was hanging out with people I met at the bar that night, and another friend, Herman Best, when I looked across the bar, and I glimpsed this rather hot and sexy, silver fox, who bore a striking resemblance to Sam Elliott! I couldn’t help it, but I found myself drawn to him, and I was so bold back then, that I decided to go over to him and say hello.

He was sitting alone on a stool at the foot of the stairs that lead up into the top part of the bar. I should insert here that I was NOT myself that night; I was one of my alters – Nick Montraire!!! And I hadn’t realized that until I saw the manuscript in which all of this is detailed (I kept journals detailing my experiences with Charlie B). Anyway, it was NICK, the slut, who approached him. We had seen him before at the bar. So, it was Herman and Nick who went up to him. I introduced myself as Derek (confused??? 🤣). Oh Charles was absolutely sexy! He had a thick, bushy moustache and salt and pepper hair that hung almost to his shoulders. He was a Hollywood dream! And as I said before, he bore a very striking resemblance to Sam Elliott!

Well, “Nick,” Herman, and Charles chatted for a while until Herman decided to rejoin the other two guys we were with earlier, THANK GOD! Thought he’d never leave! That just left Nick and Charles.

Fortunately, during the course of the conversation, Nick vanished and I reappeared. And I learned that Charles was an ex-limousine driver from Charlotte. He was in art restoration. When I told him that I was a Carolina student, he admitted that he, too, had attended Carolina years before. Charles said that he was 38 years of age; I was a mere child of 22 at the time. I was just coming out at the time. I had only been out about six months or so when I first met Charles.

We chatted for a long time that night. And I – Derek – made it a point to look for him every Friday night at The Power Company, as that is when he said he was normally there. And so, over the next several months, we did run into each other.

Well, fastforward to the Friday night following my birthday in May 1990 when I ran into Charles.  We chatted again as always, and we had a great time talking and dancing.  Oh, what a fantastic dancer he was!  Charles could really move those hips of his, around and around in a circular motion to the music.  It was so erotic! 

Anyway, as the bar was closing, I was about to say good night to Charles when he asked me where I parked.  I told him that I had parked on the deck.  He offered to drive me to my car, and hell yeah I accepted!  When we got to where my car was on the deck, I fully expected to thank Charles, get out of the car, and that would be that.  However, Charles never gave me that chance.  I couldn’t believe my ears over what Mr. Man had to say:           

“Finally, we are alone!  No Herman!” 

“Yeah, I know.  He’s your friend, but I didn’t want to be rude.  But he has been getting on my nerves!”  I explained. 

“He’s not really my friend.  I know him through another friend.  And Herman gets on my nerves, too!”  He chuckled. 

“I’m surprised to hear that.” 

“Don’t be.  It’s true.  But enough about Herman.  I finally have you alone, which is what I’ve been wanting to do for a long time!” 

The next thing I knew he kissed me!  (And I didn’t have to BEG him the way I did Phil the previous year!!) Our lips touched, then his tongue found its way inside my mouth, and my mouth graciously accepted!  Our tongues played with each other for a bit.  Then Charles would pull back, look at me, smile and go “Woof!  Baby!”  (So, I knew about the whole “Woof” thing before it was a thing 😁.) Then we’d continue kissing.  I was in pure heaven!  Finally, one of my dreams was coming true, and I didn’t need a plot, scheme or a faux alter to make it happen.  Charles was actually attracted to ME!  He obviously had felt the same way I did; he had wanted to get me alone as much as I had wanted to be alone with him. 

We stopped kissing after what seemed like an eternity, and we began talking again.  During the course of our conversation, I learned that he was from a small town three hours away from Chapel Hill called Fair Bluff, N.C.  I also learned that he worked at JR Short & Sons, where he did the art restoration.  In actuality, he did a lot of running around for his roommate John Short, who owned the biz.  Charles had been working there for the last 10 years or so.  He began doing that following his stint as a limo driver in Charlotte in the late 70s.  He and John owned that business together, too.  This is when I learned that John and Charles had actually been lovers!  Duh!  He told me that they were no longer lovers, more like roommates.  I didn’t question it any further than that. 

Over the next 2 to 3 years, for the most part, I spent as much time hanging out with Charles at The Power Company and The Capital Corral (more affectionately known as CCs in Raleigh located on Hargett Street) as I could. We had several little adventures/misadventures, and it was all such a blast!! So, much fun!

I remember how I would run to him with all of my adolescent problems with my college friends back then. He always took the time to listen to me, a messed-up twink who was still coming out, and he never dismissed me. We would dance and kiss, and kiss and dance some more. One of the biggest lessons I learned from him was to keep things “light and airy” between yourself and people. That way you don’t let them get too close and too comfortable, (and you don’t get hurt), a lesson I would forget over the years in my endeavors to be – close to people.

Needless to say, after all the dancing, kissing and wanting to be with Charles, I was in love with him. I couldn’t deny it. Hahahaha. I even finally admitted to Charles that I wanted to sleep with him. However, he sort of put me off, because in retrospect, I think he was afraid of giving me something. And I don’t mean a diamond ring.

You see, it was in December of 1990 the day before his 39th birthday, when he returned from a business trip in California, and he showed up at The Capital Corral looking extremely emaciated and exhausted!! He did not look like the same sexy and husky man I knew. In my heart I knew he was sick. I had never seen him look so thin and gaunt. When we talked, he said that he had had the flu and a sore throat, several times over the course of the last couple of months. But I knew.

I remember driving home that night being so depressed. The next day on Sunday, I couldn’t get off my couch. I canceled my private trumpet lessons that I was teaching at the time, and I did not go into work. I cried all day. I realized that part of the reason he was putting off sleeping with me was not because he didn’t want me, but because he was afraid he’d pass AIDs on to me. He even almost once said so!! Sitting in the piano room at the Capital Corral, we were talking about sleeping together and even planning it, but he said “I don’t want to be the one to give you …” and he stopped. And I asked what? And he never told me, and I never pressed the issue. Because again, deep down I knew.

Eventually, I ended up in a rather abusive relationship with Darrell Mitchell. So, I didn’t see much of Charles. Darrell and Charles did meet one night when we were all together at The Power Company, and Darrell was IMMEDIATELY sooooo jealous of Charles. He would even taunt me and say I wanted to be “with my old man.”

Following an HIV scare with Darrell (among other horror stories) and him moving to Atlanta, (and before I, myself, moved to Atlanta), I reconnected with Charles. It was then that Charles admitted that he did, in fact, have AIDs. I didn’t tell him I suspected as much. I just listened to him.

I moved away to Atlanta in 1993, and I never told Charles I left. And I don’t know why. I could have certainly called him. To this day I don’t know why I did that. Upon a return to North Carolina (and The Capital Corral), I learned from a former friend of Charles that he had indeed passed away in 1994. I was deeply saddened – and guilty – that he was gone and that I never told him I had moved away. What is so ironic is that I was with ANOTHER boyfriend (the married one) who had traveled with me back to N.C. for a visit!! I seem to have a penchant for learning of the death of former boyfriends/love interests when I am with a current beau!! WTF???

But Charles Baxter Enzor was gone. My only regret is that I never said goodbye …

Anyway, Charles had such a profound effect on my life, to the point that I even based one of my characters in my web series on him!!! The hunky, limo driver from North Carolina.

I still think of him fondly. All the nights we spent dancing and talking and yes, kissing, were magical and heavenly. I wouldn’t trade my time spent with him for the world, even if it was just as friends, bar friends. But I don’t care. It meant so much more to me than that.

I wish he was still here, because I often wish I could run to him with my problems LOL! He was a great listener and advice giver, something I have sorely lacked all. These. Years.

And as of the writing of this post, today is his birthday. He would have been 70 years young.

Here is one of the songs we used to dance to, “Nothing Compares to You,” Sinead O’Connors’s version, not Prince’s. And yes, we danced in each other’s arms.

Well, that is it for today, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane with me. Until the next time, and as always, please be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

TRIGGER WARNING: I talk about an active shooter scenario in this post.

Hello, my fellow bent minders and friends!

This month, I am going to keep things “light and airy” since we are in the holiday season. Some posts may or may not have anything at all to do with mental illness. The December posts are designed to be fun. And some blog posts may actually be about Christmas! Ho! Ho! Ho! So, stay tuned!

But this first one, as we start off the month of December, is on one of my very favorite topics: Dreams!

I had these dreams earlier this year, around summertime, I think. But they were so vivid and memorable and worth noting. So, stick around …

The first one started in my hometown of Wadesboro, N.C., near my house.  I was walking down the street, and the next thing I knew this rather cute guy, dark-haired and moustached, was walking next to me.  I think he had a ballcap on.  Anyway, it seems we were walking to J.R. Faison Elementary School, the school that served as the hub for all buses heading to the elementary, junior high and high schools. 

The next thing I knew, we were on a bus heading God knows where.  Suddenly, this guy wanted to … well, you know – 😉😉. And we did and nobody seemed to notice. 

Flash forward to Atlanta several years later, and I find myself walking – or rather stumbling -down Piedmont toward where Smith’s Olde Bar is (or used to be???).  I don’t pay attention.  Anyway, there were a row of condos there, and one of them was mine.  I assume I was coming home from the bar, probably Hideaway, but I was soooo drunk.  I managed to make it home, but I couldn’t get in at first.  Suddenly, the door opens and it is this same guy.  Apparently, we are partnered and have been for several years at this point.  And it seems he was at the bar with me, but left me there because he wanted to come home, and I didn’t.  He wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t too happy either.  The next thing I knew we are upstairs in a fabulously decorated condo, and in bed. He is naked, and well, we – you know.  😉😉. 

Flash forward to what appears to be my college alma mater – UNC Chapel Hill.  And I think we were at Hill Hall where I spent the majority of my time there in the music department.  There are a lot of students around, and he is working as a janitor, I think, because he wore a uniform, and he was carrying in lots of bottled water and appeared to be mopping and sweeping.  I was trying to get his attention, but he wouldn’t talk to me.  No matter what I tried, he ignored me.  And the kicker is it was our 15^th anniversary, and I kept trying to talk to him about what he wanted to do, but he continued to ignore me.  Then the dream ended. 

The next dream a couple of nights later started off with the current object of my love – a different guy than the previous dream and whom shall remain nameless. In this dream, he won $9,000 in some lottery game, I don’t remember which.  The next thing I know I am his chauffeur, and he wanted to go to Jimmy Dean’s restaurant, which I thought was very, very strange.  We started off on a bike, a two-seater, with him in the back, which turned into a car.  We pull up to the drive-thru, which I don’t even know if Jimmy Dean’s has a drive-thru, and he orders.  Then he is in the seat next to me, kissing me.  He tells me that he knows that I love him, and he loves me and why don’t I just marry him.  I say yes. 

Then the dream shifts to the two of us working a concert, whose I don’t know.  But the place is packed.  We are handing out programs, and he is on one level and I am on the one above.  Something told me in the dream to watch out, because there was going to be trouble.  Sure enough there is an active shooter.  All the people around me duck for cover, as do I.  But he ends up shooting several people, and he escapes.  I panic and run to the lower level to discover that my lover was one of the victims!!!  And Maxie Jones, from General Hospital, was his doctor😂🤣😅.  (Believe me, this character is NOT a doctor on the show!!) He was shot in the chest, and she was applying pressure to stop the bleeding.  I sat there and held his hand and kept telling him, through tears, to hold on.  I mean, it was something out of a soap opera.  Of course.  But he appeared to be dying.  He was not responsive, but after all my begging and pleading, (and Maxie’s brilliant work LOL), he squeezed my hand.  I was beyond overjoyed, screaming rapturously as he squeezed my hand over and over.  He was going to be okay.  Everyone around us applauded. 

Then fast forward to him leaving the hospital with me by his side.  He was leaning on me, but I think he was on crutches, too, which was also odd.  I mean, why not a wheelchair?  And we were walking.  But anyway, he said that God told him that I was supposed to take care of him and live with him and love him forever.  I said yeah, right.  And there was funny banter back and forth between us as we went along.  Then suddenly I was in front of this woman or man, I don’t remember which who said the strangest thing, that we are the exact same souls we both have always been through time, but just in different bodies during this lifetime.  Those were the words.  Then I wake up, pondering things …  

The next dream had me in an episode of Charlie’s Angels, which isn’t a shock.  I dream this all the time.  But what was strange was – well, let me tell you.  It is the Season 4 episode “Angels at the Altar,” yes with Shelley Hack, and of course Kim Cattrall of Sex and the City fame guest starring as Kelly Garrett’s best friend.  Well, the cast is there, including Bosley, and I guess I’m an honorary angel.  I remember Cheryl Ladd wanted to go swimming, and Shelley Hack and David Doyle were just kinda hanging out.  So, I started talking to my favorite angel, Jaclyn Smith.  The subject of pregnancy came up.  So, I brought up her son Gaston, and I said to her – wasn’t he born in 1979?  And she said no.  It was 1982. 

So, later when I was awake I realized it couldn’t have been 1979 since she was on the show at the time, and that would have been close to impossible.   So, I looked it up and sure enough, Gaston was born March 19 – in the year 1982!! I nearly fell out.  How could I have known that???? Insert Twilight Zone theme here …  

I am just wondering what is going on in my mind to conjure up such fantastic and incredible dreams. Hmmm I think it bears closer examination down the road …

But at any rate, that is it for today, my friends. I do hope you enjoyed this.

By all means, if you have any thoughts on the above dreams, leave me a comment below. Also, tell me about your strange dreams.

And until the next time, and as always, please be mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  I am now an Amazon Affiliate! So, there are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, my fellow friends of the mind!

I trust and hope that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

And this is, actually, what this post is about. No, not Thanksgiving, per se. But about giving thanks daily for what you have. Very simply, this is about gratitude. And I promise to keep it brief. 🙂

Are you grateful for what you already have? Or do you feel that something is missing or lacking?

One of the things I have learned over the years is to be and to remain grateful every day for what I already have. Every day is not only a gift, but also a gamble. Yes, you heard me. One never knows how a day is going to unfold, and we certainly hope it doesn’t unfold in a horrible, bad or even tragic way. And for reaching the end of a day relatively unscathed, I am always thankful.

Expressing gratitude is a terrific mood booster, too. It increases and improves your mind and makes you happier. You place yourself in a mindset of joy when you think about those things that make you happy and that you already possess. Think about it: Keeping your mind on things that make you feel good and happy HAS to improve your mood, put a smile on your face, and make you feel wonderful. That happy feeling most certainly gets your mind off the dark and/or intrusive and horrible thoughts that may pass through your mind. And that is definitely a good thing!

Staying in gratitude and thankfulness does not have to be about possessions or money either. It could be something as simple as good health. Or delicious food. Or your family and friends. Flowers. Nature. Earth. Your favorite TV show, movie or song. A kind word or a simple hello from a stranger at the grocery store. It’s all good!

I learned from watching Oprah Winfrey that when you focus on what you already have, you will have more. It magnifies. But when you focus on what you lack, that is what you will experience, the lack. So, yes, I am going to focus on and be thankful for what I already have. Whenever I simply thank my Higher Power, God, angels, spirit guide, the Universe, The Powers That Be – whatever your terminology is – I receive more.

By the way, you do not need a particular religion to express gratitude. Gratitude is universal, and it transcends any particular belief system. Nope, you don’t have to be Christian, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, etc. to express your thankfulness. Heck, you can most certainly be agnostic or atheist, too!

I even keep a gratitude journal, where I Iist at least five things EVERY DAY that I am grateful for. And yes, I got the idea from Oprah Winfrey DECADES ago. It has certainly magnified my life experience in such a positive way. It keeps me from focusing on the negative all the time. I started doing a little bit of it back in 1999 and off and on in 2000. But it was late 2001 when I started doing it every single day, and I have kept up with it ever since!! That’s right – 20 years!! And I have even kept up with it during the pandemic!!! And I still have all of my gratitude journals. The funny thing is, I also write what has happened to me during the course of that time, too! LOL

I ratchet up my gratitude even when I am disappointed. If something that I expect to happen doesn’t happen or I don’t get what I want, I refuse to let it bother me. At least I don’t let it bother me for long. I shake it off and tell myself thank you anyway, for what I already have.

How you can remain grateful:

1. Count your blessings.
2. Just say thank you out loud or to yourself.
3. Keep a gratitude journal as the one I outlined above.
4. When you feel bad or down, think of at least one thing you are grateful for.
5. Then go for two, then three, all the way up to 5 or even 10 things that you are grateful for.
6. Do affirmations that circle around what makes you happy.
7. Pray and/or meditate.
8. Enjoy and appreciate nature!
9. This may sound awful or even cliche, but always remember that no matter how bad you think you have it, someone else has it a whole lot worse. And therefore, by the Grace of God …
10. Just simply close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

So, what are you thankful for? Tell me in the comment section below. And remember to always remain grateful. There is always something to be thankful for, believe me. And what better way than to keep a gratitude journal by expressing your Best Self!

Until the next time, and as always, be mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Greetings, my friends! Welcome back to another post about mental wellness! Yours and mine 🙂

So, from last week’s post, music is not the only form of entertainment that can have a positive effect on your mind, body, and overall health. It turns out television, film, and theatre can also have positive effects on our psyches. See last week’s post below:

I cannot think of anyone who doesn’t have a TV set in their house. And technology has gotten us to a point that we can view just about anything at anytime now, even on our computers and phones. With the advent of YouTube, streaming services, and yes, still cable, we have the visuals at our fingertips, so to speak.

And because I have a theatrical background, I most certainly cannot discount the positive benefits of live theatre.

One could argue that too much TV watching can be detrimental to you in some way. But I shall only discuss how it can keep you and help you to remain calm, stay sane, get your mind off things, and literally take you to another world. (Speaking of, anybody remember the old soap opera of the same name???) Ha!

Anything involving the arts SHOULD transport you to another world. Whenever I watch something, whether it is live theatre or a movie or TV show, I expect to be transported to another time and place. I expect to be told a story, to be lost in the moment. I desire to forget all about MY life, my struggles and troubles. I want to see their struggles and troubles. I don’t need to be reminded of mine. LOL But TV and film can do much more for us than that.

Educational

Yes, television and the movies can be quite educational. And anything that educates us, definitely improves our minds. TV and film can take us into worlds that we didn’t know existed, can show us different cultures and countries, languages, and how other people live. TV and film can also give us insights into our own bodies and how they work and about diseases and disease prevention. Television can even simply show us how to do mundane tasks and chores effectively.

Shocker of shockers, but you can even learn from watching soap operas. Back during the Golden Age of Soaps – the 60’s, 70s, 80s and 90s – viewers learned about diseases such as breast cancer, diabetes, HIV and AIDS, and even mental disorders, including depression, suicidal ideation, bipolar disorder, and even DID (dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder). Viewers also gained insight into socially relevant issues pertaining to drug and alcohol abuse, spousal abuse, prostitution, and even the negative effects of smoking.

Of course, other daytime television programs such as talk shows, gave us an even deeper dive into the above subjects with real people. So, here’s to Phil Donahue, Oprah Winfrey, Geraldo, and Sally Jessy Raphael (loved her glasses!!!) and Montel Williams, to name a few. And yes, I went old school LOL

Honorable mention to educational channels, such as The Discovery Channel, Planet Earth, and The History Channel. And shoot, I love a good documentary about famous and well, infamous people, too.

But let’s not ever forget the fabulous PBS channel, and old school shows such as Sesame Street, The Electric Company, and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, to name a few. These shows taught you your ABCs, your numbers, and different languages such as Spanish. They taught us grammar skills and even taught us how to get along better with our neighbors and how to appreciate their differences. Hey, I grew up on those shows and learned quite a lot!

Total escapism

Naturally, most of us watch television and movies for simple pure escapism. But that’s okay, because that is great for our minds, too. As I stated above, this pure escapism can relax our bodies and minds, getting our minds off our own problems and bringing us into a total state of a healthier being. And what great way to do that than to laugh. That’s right. Your fave comedies can promote happiness and good health, because as they say laughter is the best medicine. And laughing releases natural endorphins or your feel-good chemicals, which can promote not only a healthier brain, but a healthier heart, too. So, tune into your favorite comedies and laugh it up! If this clip from I Love Lucy doesn’t make you laugh, then there is something wrong with you!!!

Become an actor in YOUR favorite show!

One thing I have done my ENTIRE life is pretend I am certain characters on TV or in the movies. I have acted out many scenarios, especially my soaps, to see if I can do it and be just as convincing as what I see on TV. Or to see what acting choices I would make in the same situations. Sometimes I turn it into a masterclass of emotions, i.e. will I cry in the moment, get angry, etc.

And playing or pretend is great for the mind since it enables you to use your imagination and creativity. And it is loads of fun! I started way back with The Bionic Woman, Charlie’s Angels, and Wonder Woman! Yep, I was Jaime Sommers, Kelly Garrett, and Diana Prince twirling, et al! LOL And I even made the neighborhood kids act out the episodes right after they aired. Oh tremendous, TREMENDOUS fun! I should have known I would later turn to acting and directing 🙂

Ain’t Nothing Like Live Theatre

I got my acting start doing theatre, and it was the best training ground EVER! I mean, other than acting along with the TV! Delving into different characters, the audience response, and the flying by the seat of my pants was actually excellent for my mind and brain. I developed skills which kept my mind sharp and active. After all, you are having to learn lines and deliver them on the spot from memory. And if you go up on a line, you have to figure a way out of that jam!

But from the audience’s perspective, visual arts and aesthetics is a great moodlifter, too. Not to mention you are immersing yourself in culture, while at the same time still learning something perhaps you had no prior knowledge of, the same way television can work towards educating you.

You gain a greater appreciation for the arts, I think, through attending theatre and other visual arts shows. And anything that promotes a greater understanding, is great for your brain, too.

And then there is the laughter! There is nothing like live laughter from the audience. And it’s real, not canned laughter like you get from some TV shows! And overall, of course, laughter is great for your health.

One of the Family

When I think back on the shows that have changed my life or that I have really gotten into, I think of the ones where I feel like I am a part of that TV family. Soaps are the perfect example of this. Watching my “stories” gave me insight into someone else’s melodramatic life LOL And I literally grew up with so many soap characters, I mean we are talking DECADES of time watching children who were born on the show, watching them grow into children, teens, and even adults! That is mindblowing to me!

And all of my primetime shows I grew up watching – The Brady Bunch, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, et al – just watching the characters and their antics was highly entertaining and very funny. And speaking of The Brady Bunch. It was like I was a member of the family, going through all of their shenanigans, troubles, heartaches, joy and fun. When they were lost in the Grand Canyon, I was lost in the Grand Canyon, too!!

So, I am also saying you feel a sense of belonging with your TV family. And anytime you feel like you are a part of something, that you belong, definitely promotes good mental health and wellbeing.

Stress Relief

Film. Television. Visual arts. Theatre. All of those are wonderful stress relievers. Whether you are the actor or the audience, you are allowing whatever stresses you out, whatever horrors are on your mind, it gives you a moment and space to let it go. You are suspended in time for 30 minutes to an hour or two hours or more. You are not thinking about your problems, your job, your finances, your relationships. You are entering someone’s world.

Inspiration

I think anything that inspires you in a moving and positive, enthused way is amazing for your mental health. And watching television as a child definitely inspired me to become an actor later in life. I wanted to do the things I saw Jaime Sommers do in The Bionic Woman. Later, it was all about Erika Slezak’s Viki Buchanan on One Life to Live that cemented the deal. I do not regret my decision to become an actor. It has been one of the most thrilling and rewarding things I have ever done, besides my interest in music.

Well, my friends, that is it for now. I hope you enjoyed this post. And as always please be safe and mentally well! Until next time – ta!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Oh and don’t forget to check out my underpriced products below LOL Some great Black Friday sales! 🙂

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hello, my fellow ment binders – er bent minders! 🙂

Welcome back to another round of “I’ve got this in the fight for my mind!”

I have decided to keep it light and airy today, as a dear old friend used to say. And I promise to keep it short. Today I wish to discuss music and its positive effects on our hearts, souls, and yes, our minds. Madonna also said that “music makes the people come together.” 🙂

I start my day with music (and affirmations), and I do the affirmations to the music, which is a great boost for me energetically. And I also listen to music while I work, if I am working from home. Actually, I am listening to music right now as I write this post, of course. LOLOLOL This is what I am listening to at this moment, Hall & Oates’s I Don’t Wanna Lose You:

This is how important music is to my existence: I exercise to music. I clean to music. I write to music. I hate exercising and cleaning anyway. So, the music keeps me in a good mood and enables me to complete those chores I detest. Writing to music is not only helpful in setting the mood for whatever I am writing, but it also helps the words just flow onto the page! When I am working on my web series, which is set in the 1970s, I typically will play 70s music to set the scene and get the feeling, emotion and tone of that era. It is really helpful.

Good music makes you feel wonderful. In my opinion, music is SUPPOSED to make you feel. Period. And think. Music can recharge you. And of course make you want to DANCE! (Nothing beats terrific dance music, ESPECIALLY DISCO and 80s music!!!) Great music should take you on a rollercoaster of emotions – happiness, sadness, anger, etc. Great music should tell a story. But again, truly great music makes you feel something, especially if it makes you feel tremendous joy, happiness, and love.

Remember the old saying: “If music be the food of love, play on.” This is actually taken from Shakespeare’s play Twelfth Night. And I could not agree more with the sentiment. When I think of my favorite songs, this certainly applies. I become so enraptured in my music that it is not only like food or love, it is actually like breathing. Not only do I listen to it, I play it on a musical instrument. (My trumpet currently, as my poor clarinet and flute need to go to the shop). 🙁

Music has most definitely gotten me through the darkest moments of my life. I truly believe that I would not have survived those dark times without music to uplift my mood or console me or just simply to soothe me. And Daryl Hall & John Oates are artists I can always turn to to cheer me up! By the way, studies have shown that listening to music can actually aid in keeping depressive states away and bring you to a more positive state of mind. So, thanks Daryl and John, et al!!!

Quite often my needle gets stuck, so to speak, on certain songs for months! One such example is Culture Club’s The War Song, as if some of you couldn’t guess.

Another of my very favorite artists is Annie Lennox of Eurythmics. From day one back in 1983 with the release of Sweet Dreams, I was mesmerized by the then orange-headed, androgynous Annie. I am still a super, huge fan to this day. I feel like she is singing her songs about me. It’s as if she is my spirit animal, and we share the same feelings and emotions, especially over heartache and loneliness and, yes, bitterness. Check out one such very bitter song, one of my favorites by her without Dave Stewart, Bitter Pill.

On to other songs that match my exact feelings and emotions at that moment. Check out Janet Jackson’s Lonely, because I have felt that way too often in my life.

Or feelings of definite rage, pain and anger, such as displayed in Tears for Fears Shout.

But it’s not all a Debbie Downer, as there are songs that are electric and bring me joy, such as Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun!!

Music also has healing properties, too. More and more studies are showing that music therapy is quite helpful in the healing process, everything from depression to lowering blood pressure to pain management to even cancer!! I know for a fact that listening to music has helped in lowering my blood pressure. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure back in 2004. And from that moment on for a very long time, I was always afraid of the doctors and nurses checking my blood pressure at the doctor’s office. It was always slightly elevated, sometimes even on medication. So, I decided to start singing before going to the doctor, and miraculously it helped!!!

And of course, music is definitely good for the mind and the brain. Studies show that music is excellent for placing your brain in a positive state of mind. It can also stimulate brainwaves and promote alertness and better concentration. Classical music, believe it or not, is great for reducing stress, boosting your memory, fighting depression, improving sleep, sparking creativity, and even reducing pain!!! Bring on Beethoven and Mozart!!

Well, my friends, that is it for now. Do me a favor and leave me a comment below with some of your favorite songs. Which songs lift you up? Which songs make you sad? Which songs do you just love to dance to??? Let me know. And until the next time, be mentally well, always. And let the music play!!

P.S. 70s/80s/90s music still remain the best, especially the 80s!!! 🙂

Sources: Please check out these articles on the healing properties of music.

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER 2: I do not own the copyrights to any of the above-mentioned songs. They are just for your listening pleasure. And mine. 🙂

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Mini disclaimer: Today’s blog post may come across to some of you as rambling and all over the place, because my thoughts are definitely all over the place on this topic. So, please bear with me. Thanks!

Big greetings to all of my friends! Hope you are well and happy!

As the headline states – is dealing with other people driving us insane, to utter madness?

I am writing this post, because of all of my DECADES of dealing with human beings. I know I am focusing on my negative experiences, such as dealing with the overly religious people, the people who were mean to me and who tried to bully me and belittle me, and the human beings I had to act a certain way around or say certain things to. It was soooooo tiring. I am absolutely tired of it. This is why I desire to be alone more and more. I even have a desire to live away from people out in the country somewhere. And I NEVER thought I would feel that way. I just feel now that people are in my way. I even go to the grocery early in the morning to avoid the crowds. And yes, I even take social media breaks. And that is okay!

People – earthlings – or “earth things” as I like to laughingly refer to them, can be EXTREMELY complicated. Simple yet complicated at the same time because of emotions and belief systems and their underlying “stuff” or “baggage” that all of us come with. It can be VERY arduous to handle.

So many different personalities to deal with on a daily basis. So many different ideologies. Different energies emanating from different people. It can be so mentally draining and such a mindblower. But I suppose the world would be boring if everyone was the same. However, sometimes at the end of the day after dealing with all of the people madness, you just wish to be alone and chill. (And no wonder so many people prefer animals/pets to other people)!

But speaking of different energies, I firmly believe that you can tune into the vast energies of others. It happens all the time. Some people may be very happy when you see them. Others can be very sad or depressed. Others angry. Others just simply blah. I can almost tell the state of an earth thing when I see them. And we pick up on those energies, and they can permeate through us and, definitely, affect us, too.

But some people’s energies can be too much to bear. Whether they are that chatty person who will not shut up.

Or the nagging person who will not shut up LOL

That family member who is always making caustic statements that they claim are just joking comments.

Or that sort of “friend” who does that sort of “joking,” which quite frankly pisses you off.

Your partner or loved one or significant other who is constantly putting you down.

Or the partner or significant other who is not independent at all, but clingy and cloying.

The buttinsky in-laws.

The noisy neighbors!!

What about those coworkers who are rude, inconsiderate, talk your ear off, or bring all their drama to the workplace????

Also, in managing these divergent individuals, you may find yourself watching what you say so as not to make them angry.

Or question you.

Or belittle you.

Now, there are basically four types of earth things that I cannot stand to deal with:

1. Overly religious people. (I feel like I have to walk a tightrope around them, watch what I say.)
2. People who talk too much. (They never let you get a four-letter word in edgewise. They are draining and often put me to sleep as I tune out.)
3. Those individuals who must belittle you constantly. (They think they are being funny; they are just being obnoxious.)
4. Humans who correct EVERYTHING you say, i.e. again, you feel you must watch what you say around them. (Another set of a draining bunch, the know-it-alls. I don’t like being corrected as it is, but these people take it to an extreme!)

I want you all to know that I am not in any way blaming anyone else for my/our problems. But one thing I have discovered about life and people in general, is that it can be rather laborious to have to navigate around and through other individuals, whether they are your family, close friends, your more personal and intimate relationships, and just people in general.

The other thing I have definitely learned is that sometimes it is not life or even life circumstances that bring us down. It’s the people.

I am also going to be transparent in saying I know for a fact that I have been a challenge to deal with due to all of my problems and mental imbalance and neuroses. I used to take my mental horror show out on others, which is a big NO NO. (And unfortunately, I just did it again, which will be another blog post.) We should NEVER do that. But I know sometimes, we unfortunately do. I have allowed my emotional instability and nonsense to affect everyone from family to close friends to even strangers. It was horrible. So, I am putting myself out there first and foremost.

And, of course, there have been MANY times I have been affected by humans and their whatever. We all have.

And so addressing the question again, is dealing with people making us insane? Or maybe insane is a strong word. Edgy? Cautious? Careful? Nervous? Anxious? Crazy?

I asked a friend and frequent reader of my blog what bugs him the most about people. His answer was their selfishness. I can see that. There are those individuals who CLEARLY only care about themselves. For me, it is the tiny ways in which people show their selfishness. Whenever you are at the grocery store and they want to block the aisles. Or they are in their car and another car is on the other side of a two-lane road or street, and they decide to hold a conversation from their cars. Of course, there are bigger ways people show their selfishness, such as thinking of themselves rather than the needs of others.

I also find the expectations and pressure people put on us extremely draining. There are the expectations from family, friends, PARENTS, and yes, even children and significant others. You try to match said expectations and live up to them, which is intricate, wearisome and downright exhausting.

The best one can do in this situation is to breathe, take a step back, and realize that you can only expect the best of yourself, and that you do not have to live up to the expectations of others. Children, of course, are different I would imagine. But also, as long as your children are provided for and well cared for and nurtured, I think you should still make sure you are taking care of yourself, too.

Ending on a positive, try gravitating to those individuals that energize you, prop you up, bring a smile to your face. THOSE are the people I wish to be around.

However, it is okay to be by yourself to refresh. Reframe. Recharge. And we need to seek the comfort of ourselves from time to time to simply regain balance.

Well, this is the end for today. I hope you enjoyed this post, and I look forward to seeing you next week.

As always, please be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back for another round of the Battle of the Minds!!

As I discussed in my last post, I decided that enough is enough. I am beyond sick and tired of these recurring and intrusive thoughts that have marred my entire life. It is now WAR!!!

Please see last week’s post below for Part 1.

Fear

Before we dive in, I definitely think one component of this whole thing for me and for anyone else suffering from recurring, bothersome thoughts is fear. I have discussed this previously. I personally think that fear is at the root of intrusive thoughts. Think about it. If it was something great and wonderful that crosses our minds, we wouldn’t mind that at all. And actually, we look at good thoughts more like daydreaming rather than being intrusive or bothersome.

So, I am challenging myself (and you, as well) to face those fears. Whatever is troubling you or being intrusive, etc. FACE IT. Have the courage to face it head on. Perhaps that will lessen the thoughts.

Now. How does one declare war on their own mind? Very simply: It is like a “we’re mad as hell, and we’re not going to take it anymore!!” mindset, no pun intended.

And how do I plan to engage in a battle with my own mind?

By being more vigilant as to what I will and won’t allow into my thought processes. It has been said that we cannot control what we think. And to some extent that is true. However, I do believe that you don’t have to fall for the negative thinking or go down the rabbit hole, as I like to put it, of a negative thought. Just don’t feed the monster.

For example, if I think ‘oh my God! What if one day I will go blind,’ I have three choices (probably more than that), but here are my top 3:

1. You can talk back to that thought and say ‘no I’m not’ or ruminate on it, which actually makes things worse.
2. Just ignore it.
3. Think about something else.

Talking back to your intrusive thoughts

This may sound strange, but it is true that we talk back to our thoughts. We wonder ‘why did I think that?’ which takes us down the rabbit hole of ‘there must be something wrong with me for thinking that thought.’ This is when we get into ruminating over our negative, intrusive thoughts, which gets us into trouble. I know it has gotten me into trouble lots of time.

I have read many articles on the subject of intrusive thoughts, and that is the one thing they all say you should never do is engage with these horrible thoughts. That is only going to make them worse and stick around much longer. So, in other words, don’t talk back to them (or in this case, “think” back to them – ha!). Just let them pass through your mind. Which brings us to the second point.

Ignore them

Easier said than done, I know. But you can do it. We have sooooo many thoughts that pass through our minds every single day, that when you think about it, there are those that we ignore. They are so quick and so fleeting, that we don’t even think about them. For example, you may think “I need to go to the store.” Okay, you realize that and don’t even pay attention to it anymore. So, how come we cannot do the same with a horrible thought such as ‘I could just run over that small child’? Oh how gruesome, but our brains are wired that when something like that comes into our minds we feel grotesque, evil, and strange. So much so that we want to turn this awful thought around and around and around in our heads. We want to know WHY we even thought that. We wonder if there is something wrong with us. And no, actually, there isn’t. It is our minds. And as I have realized we are NOT our thoughts.

Think about something else

I discussed in yet another blog post a while ago about changing the channel in your mind. If you feel like you are stuck, change that channel. Think of something else. Allow your thoughts to be flooded with another, more positive, happier thought. For example, ‘I could just run over that small child’ or ‘oh my God! What if I go blind,’ why not think of beautiful flowers? Or a trip to Europe? Or eating good food? Who says we have to be stuck on the horrible thinking?

And if you are having trouble thinking of something else, distract yourself with music. Try talking to a friend. Watch television. Read a book. Be around people. Something/anything to get your mind off things. By the way, check out the blog post where I discuss changing that channel and other helpful tips in dealing with your intrusive thoughts. Please see below:

Affirmations

You’ve heard of them PLENTY of times by now. Why not use them in your/our battle against intrusive thoughts? I do them EVERY day, and I find it helpful. When all else fails, I will fall back on them. One of my personal faves is “no person, place, THOUGHT, feeling or thing has any power over me.”

But here is a list of some affirmations that I use daily that are more in line with mental health issues:

1. I no longer allow my thoughts to interfere with my life.
2. My mind is unstuck and normal and working properly.
3. I refuse to worry or obsess needlessly.
4. I am no longer fearing the future, and I am not catastrophizing anymore.
5. I will not let my thoughts bother or upset me.
6. My mind is clear and free of fear.
7. I am no longer allowing recurring and intrusive thoughts to hold my mind hostage.
8. Stop being afraid of your own mind.

These are just some of my own personal affirmations. Feel free to use them or create your own.

Another way I am amping up the fight is to simply meditate even more. I go inside my mind and picture the best possible images I can. I even see myself going way outside of my body into outer space and seeing swirls of smoke (I’ve heard meditation gurus say to visualize balloons to represent your thoughts. So, choose whatever you like). The swirls of smoke represent my negative thoughts that I just allow to move seamlessly past me. I have no connection to them. I pay no attention to them as they float by.

And regardless of your belief system, prayers can also be helpful.

Overall, I have decided to not allow myself to be eaten alive by my own mind. It is a struggle, yes, but manageable. I truly do believe that sometimes it is an extreme deep dive into your consciousness and also even your own life and what is going on with you. ALWAYS check in with yourself to see how you are feeling, holding up, etc. Keep fighting the good fight.

And, of course, if the battle is too much, by all means seek professional help.

Again, I wish to thank all of you for reading and continuing with me on my/our journey. And until the next time, please be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hello there, all my dear friends following this blog!!

Things are going to get a bit strange. So, hang on. Today, I am declaring war on my own mind. That’s right. You read it here. It’s a showdown. Derek v. Derek’s Mind!

By now, you all know I suffer from intrusive and/or recurring thoughts. These thoughts are like a scratchy and broken record that just won’t turn off!!

And I have had enough of this shit! I realize that I have been tolerating this long enough. I have been putting up with it and suffering in silence. I have allowed my mind to just go off the rails for far too long. I have already spoken at length about my intrusive thoughts, thoughts that have plagued me for YEARS. Hell, for DECADES! Since childhood.

However, they have gotten worse. I personally believe it is because of the past four years. And we all know what happened the last four years. So, it is of no surprise that that would be such a major trigger.

I am going to take a deeper dive into these thoughts. So, here is a timeline of the horrors that have gone on in my mind. I am hoping that this will help someone else who may be suffering from this rather strange disorder.

Before we start, I revealed some of these recurring thoughts in my last post. Please see below.

Anyway, the time has come to finally once and for all stand up to this crap and face ALL my fears from the past, and now in the present. This means WAR!!!

A Dresser Drawer, Derek???

My earliest scare and subsequent thought(s) that got stuck in my mind was wayyyyyy back when I was living in Washington, D.C., as a child, and I was dreaming that the dresser drawer in the living room would come to life in my nightmares. And it would tickle my back. Strange, I know. But I lived in fear of going to sleep at night. And this was one of the things I obsessed about, referring back to some of my obsessions from last week’s post. I would even talk to this chest of drawers during the day to try and understand why it was attacking me at night. I was so frightened and talked about it so much that my mother even considered taking me to see a psychiatrist!!! Sometimes I wish she had …

Of Course I would obsess over DEATH!

My next memory of vivid intrusive thoughts was when I was living in North Carolina, and I began obsessing over death for some strange reason. I was in about the 1st grade, I think, when this started. I always thought I would not make it to the next grade, and I don’t know why. I don’t remember ever telling my family about this one. I just suffered in silence. And every movie about death and dying that I saw on TV made the thoughts worse. One such movie was Dark Victory with Elizabeth Montgomery, not the Bette Davis one. I feared that everything that happened to Elizabeth Montgomery in this movie, would happen to me. So, when Elizabeth’s character developed a brain tumor, so did I. She lost her memory and so did I. She had blurry vision and so did I. And so on, if you catch my drift. It was a nightmare. (But Elizabeth turned in a bravura performance, though – LOLOLOLOL)!

And this is where the fear of memory loss came in during this time. I remember constantly saying to myself over and over my name, my address, my birthdate, the names of my parents, grandparents and aunt to make sure. I did these little check-ins. So, in hindsight, I guess this was my compulsion, going back to the previous post from above – “Possession Obsession.”

At the Height of Things

Next up was the height thing starting in about 7th or 8th grade where I thought I would NEVER grow taller. All my other classmates suddenly were GIANTS compared to me, including the girls. But my growth spurt hadn’t happened yet. So, what did I do? I stuffed my sneakers with socks so I would appear taller. I thought I was taller because of doing it, but I probably didn’t appear that way to everyone else LOL!

And for the record, I did get over this one, because suddenly later in life I was taller than everyone else. And to me, suddenly other people were short!! LOL

WAR!!!!

Let’s skip to the 80s and high school and the Cold War between the U.S. and Russia. Oh. My. God. This was the time I thought we were all going to get nuked off the face of the map!!! Those of you alive back then know exactly what I am talking about. And everytime I would visit my parents and brother in D.C., I lived in constant fear that a nuclear war would break out, and we would all be dead. And of course, the movie The Day After didn’t help ease my fears or quell my intrusive thoughts over the matter. And there were other such movies of that theme back then, such as Threads and Testament, but The Day After was the WORST!! It was so graphic!!

Around this time, Culture Club released one of my absolute favorite songs by them, with one of THE BEST videos EVER! (Sorry Michael Jackson’s Thriller). I think the song and video depict this horrible topic quite well. Check it out.

Losing my RELIGION!!

Ugh! This storyline picks up when I started college.

Quick backstory: When I entered UNC-Chapel Hill’s hallowed halls back in August of ’85, my grandmother was immediately on my back to go to church. After all, I had been forced – yeah. I said it. – FORCED to go to church every Sunday from the time I started living there in 1972 to go to school. And my grandmother wanted to make sure that I continued to do so. So, I ended up going with my then friend whom I referred to as “Big Daddy.” His sister, who was a year ahead of us, was attending this church known as United Christian Fellowship. So, I went with them. Oh my God that turned out to be a HUGE mistake. Let’s just say it turned out to be a cult. True, we could come and go anytime we wanted, but the rules were so strict. We couldn’t have anything to do with the “world” at all. No secular music or TV programs, which meant no more Culture Club or Hall & Oates, et al or soap operas!!!! I was in pure HELL – so to speak.

So, it didn’t take long for my mind to begin to spiral out of control. And at the very center of this was actually another Culture Club song entitled Dangerous Man. There is a line in there that goes – “Martin had the Devil just like any man can,” and I began to suspect that I had blasphemed the Holy Ghost. I just knew that by singing that particular line in that song that I was going to burn in hell for eternity, because according to the Bible, that is the one sin you can never be forgiven for.

So, I went to the pastor of the church at the time and told him my fears. He actually convinced me that I was not going to burn in hell because of that. But I needed that validation. Eventually (and thankfully), I left that church! And later, organized religion all together!

Hey, but the song that started this is HOT! Needless to say, I am well past that nonsense, and I have continued to enjoy this song and sing that lyric ever since. LOLOL Check it out!

Insanity and Sexuality

Skipping ahead to 1999 when on a road trip with some friends back to North Carolina, I saw an astrologer whom I had seen previously before I moved to Atlanta. Well, I decided it would be fun to see him again. Big. Mistake. To cut to the chase, he told me two things that frightened the hell out of me: That Atlanta and several other American cities, especially New York, would be destroyed in a nuclear war. Yeah, so THAT old fear came flooding back. But actually the most troubling one was when he told me that I was bisexual. BISEXUAL??? WTH???

Needless to say my mind went into yet another tailspin. I hadn’t declared myself as bisexual since I was 13, and even then I felt more homosexual. I guess I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge my true homosexuality at that age. But by 1999, I was 32 years old and VERY homosexual!!! I had had several lovers and many, many, MANY tricks and same-sex encounters. And I never once had been with a woman nor had I desire to be with one. I never even masturbated thinking of a woman. It had ALWAYS been men.

But then after the session with my astrologer, I began questioning myself. What if I really was? And that is when the intrusive thoughts began. Every time I would see women from that point on, it would pop into my head something sexual about her. It got to a point where I didn’t even want to be around women for a period of time. Fortunately, that first bout didn’t last very long, and I was able to move forward and continue to have sex with men and not even think about any women. I was also able to maintain my friendships with women with no problem of the thoughts.

However, many years later it crept up again. And it was worse than the first time. Just awful things that would pop into my head about women. I couldn’t even watch TV shows or movies when women would appear in a scene, because my mind raged out of control. What if I want to kiss her or have sex with her?? And on and on and on. It got to the point that I sought psychiatric help, not because I doubted my sexuality, but because I was actually annoyed over the thoughts. At this point, I had been doing research – yes online – about recurring and intrusive thoughts, and I knew that I was not alone.

And to be honest, over the past year and a half of isolation, the problem came back again! Thankfully, I am at a point where I am like NO! We are not doing this again.

I can’t see. I can’t see! I CAN’T SEE!!! I’ve Got My Eyes Closed! (old Three Stooges joke)

Then there are the fear of blindness thoughts. Years ago, again, stupid me had to conduct research online about my eye floaters, a common occurrence of people who are near-sighted, which I am one. But what I read on the subject caused me to go into yet another of my mental tailspins: If the eye floaters worsen or there are suddenly a lot of floaters in your eyes, it could mean retinal detachment and eventual blindness. And ever since then every now and then, I will think I am going to go blind. And awful thoughts will pop in my mind saying that I even WANT to experience blindness, which is not true! And these are the recurring thoughts that dominate my mind at this very moment of me writing this!! It is pure torture. And I am considering seeking professional help again.

What’s more in my study of manifesting the kind of life I want, I’ve read that if you focus on something a lot, it expands. So, these intrusive thoughts of blindness don’t help with that.

I know I am not going blind and that I have nothing to fear, but my mind tells me otherwise.

So, my friends, I have said all of the above to say again, I am officially at war with my own mind. I absolutely REFUSE to continue this way.

Please allow me to stop there, as this will need to be continued in a Part 2 next Friday.

In the meantime, remember you’ve got this journey, and stay and be mentally well always!!

And especially to my intrusive thought sufferers, hang in there. You are NOT your thoughts!!!